Author's Note:
Hello, quick update day today :) Thanks so much to the following beautiful people who gave me feedback after my last update, you made my week and also made this faster update possible- Raingirlkm, SophieQueenOfTheWorld, The Yoshinator, kakashifan1792, MountainLord-92, Vincenth, Ella Unlimited, ConfusedSoAmI, TheWickedHeart, RandomCitizen, AmandaDesiree, silentnightDW, EmmaMarie, Ahsilaa, XxCupcakeAssassinxX, Darling-Stardusted-Traverser, allonsylotr, MayFairy, KatieTheBaka, Scholar of Imagination, skidney, Dragoneisha, Theta'sWorstNightmare (x 2), Imorgen, Son of Whitebeard and Arts and Crafts.
To RandomCitizen - Thanks so much for the review. Yes, Allie feels a lot of guilt that she had to be the one to betray Charlie, and therefore confirm his twisted view of the world before he died!
To AmandaDesiree - Thanks for the wonderful compliment in saying that the story reads like a real episode, I appreciate that very much.
To SilentNightDW - Hey there, I was so happy to hear from you, it's great to know that you've been enjoying it :)
As I said to a few people in the review replies, this is a chapter of angsty fluff, or fluffy angst, whichever way you'd like to see it, so I'm a bit worried about it, because I'm not good at writing that sort of thing. Hopefully everyone thinks it's OK. It also basically finishes off the Charlie "story arc" and gets us started on the next adventure.
- Chapter Eleven -
"Ready?" the Doctor asked.
He was standing at the door of the TARDIS, his hand on the latch, looking over his shoulder at his two companions.
Allie and Larry exchanged a look that was a mixture of excitement and apprehension.
"Ready," they said simultaneously.
The Doctor flung the door open and stepped outside. Taking a deep breath, and crossing her fingers on both hands behind her back, Allie followed him, with Larry bringing up the rear.
What she saw was so mind-blowing that she knew her life would never be the same again.
The TARDIS had landed on what appeared to be a large, lumpy island of rock, floating through space. All around them, there was darkness, sprinkled with infinite pinpoints of starlight, shining in the distance, like diamonds scattered across black velvet. And directly below them was a spectacular swirl of ever-changing colour, more beautiful and more intense than anything Allie had ever imagined - enormous, billowing clouds of glowing gas, whirling downwards in dizzying celestial spirals, as far as the eye could see.
The Doctor was standing at the very edge of the rocky outcrop, a tall, thin figure silhouetted against the glorious backdrop of colour, his hands in the pockets of his long brown coat as he stared out at the view. Awestruck, Allie and Larry moved up to join him, both of them being very careful where they put their feet.
"Wo!" Larry murmured, his eyes as big as saucers. "Just...wo!"
The Doctor gave him a grin. "Not bad, is it?"
"Where...where exactly are we?" Allie asked, wondering if she should pinch herself, just to make sure she was awake and not dreaming.
"Exactly? Well, if you want to be absolutely exact, we're on an asteroid, a relatively small, random piece of rock, floating through the constellation of Canthares," the Doctor answered. "More generally speaking, though, we're overlooking a the remains of a massive star that grew too old and underwent a sudden gravitational collapse. In other words, a supernova."
"But...we're in space! Don't we need spacesuits...or something?" Larry protested incredulously, looking like he was about to hyper-ventilate. "I mean, I'm breathing! How am I breathing? And what about the cold? Space is cold, isn't it? We should be frozen!"
"The TARDIS is projecting an environmental shell around us," the Doctor explained in amusement. "It's like a forcefield or a bubble. We're safe as long as we're inside it."
Larry visibly relaxed at the reassuring information. "Well, that's a relief."
"Just don't go too near the edge. Once you fall in there, there's no coming back."
Allie flinched a little at the warning. Despite the magnificence of the once-in-a-lifetime view, she was unable to forget the reason they were there, and her heart felt heavy in her chest.
Larry must have felt it too, because he shuffled his feet and cleared his throat uncomfortably. "I suppose I'd better go and get him then."
"Yeah," the Doctor replied. "That'd be good."
Nodding, Larry turned and vanished back into the TARDIS, his shoulders hunched morosely.
Hot tears stung Allie's eyes and she blinked them away, focusing on the spirals of luminous cloud twining below them. "Doctor, do we have to do this?"
"You know we do," he said gently. "He'll never change, Allie. And we can't risk him being roused from dormancy again, he's much too dangerous. We only just managed to stop him this time. Next time, the human race mightn't be quite so lucky."
"It's just...throwing him into a supernova seems so...cold and uncaring. Even if he is dead."
The Doctor tilted his head back, thrusting his hands deeper into his pockets, a rueful expression on his face. "It's not really, you know," he said softly. "It's not all bad. He gets to fly free, out there, into all that magnificence. You just need to think of it as an honourable funeral."
She took another cautious step forward, transfixed by the swirling nebula. She tried to imagine it, falling out into all that colour, all that glory, all that majesty. Flying free. She had to admit that, as funerals went, it would be one worth having. They hadn't been able to do much for Charlie while he was alive. His poor, misguided existence had already been far too twisted by the evil and inhumanity of those two awful old men, Reuben Loew and Josef Manheim. But at least they could give him this one last thing...an honourable funeral. She supposed it gave her some comfort, some tiny amount of relief from the guilt of what she had done.
"It is beautiful," she said. "Beyond beautiful. I can hardly believe I'm standing here. It's like that scene in the movie 'Titanic', where the girl stands at the front of the ship and feels like she's flying. Only better, a million times better."
The Doctor chuckled. "I saw that movie. Biggest load of nonsense ever. It was nothing like the real thing, believe me. Either of them."
"Either of them?" she asked, looking sideways at him in bewilderment. "What do you mean, either of them?"
"The Titanic that smashed into the iceberg in 1912 or the Titanic that nearly smashed into Buckingham Palace, Christmas before last, take your pick," he replied nonchalantly. "I should know, I was on both of them."
Allie couldn't help laughing. From anyone else, the claim would be completely preposterous, but from the Doctor, she didn't doubt it for a minute. "Now why am I not surprised by that?"
He gave her a cheeky wink. "Still, if you're going to do that scene from the movie, you should do it properly!" he said. "No half measures on board the good ship TARDIS. Here, take my hand."
Curious as to what he meant, she reached out to him and felt the cool, strong touch of his fingers curling around hers. He smiled at her reassuringly, his brown eyes twinkling.
"Now, close your eyes."
"Doctor..."
"Uh-uh, come on, close 'em!" he insisted.
Reluctantly, she allowed her eyelids to fall shut. It made her feel very vulnerable, sensing all that empty space yawning around her, just a hair's-breadth away, but unable to see it.
"Okay, keep them closed. No peeking." His arm came around her waist and she felt him gently manoeuvring her around in front of him. She could feel the warmth of his chest pressed against her back. "Do you trust me, Allie?"
The answer to that question was easy. Too easy, really, considering the length of time they had known each other. But the truth was, she'd already given him her trust a long time ago, almost from the very beginning. Being with him made her feel safe and protected, in a way that she never had before.
"Always," she replied, without even having to think.
In response, his hands took hers and moved them outward from her body, until they were stretched wide, as if she was flying, in exact imitation of the iconic scene in the movie.
"Then open your eyes," he said in her ear.
She did as he said. With a stunning shock, she realised she was poised on the very edge of the asteroid, the flamboyant gases swirling in a rainbow of shifting colour right beneath her. One slip, one mis-step, and she would fall into eternity, swallowed without trace by the immense, spreading gases of the nebula. The only thing holding her back from instant death was his grip on her hands.
But strangely enough, she wasn't frightened, even though the panoramic sight before her was almost more glorious, more alien, than she could ever hope to bear. It really did feel like flying - flying with the Doctor, out amongst the stars – and it was impossible to be scared, with his hands entwined with hers, his breath lightly stirring the soft tendrils of hair coiled around her ear. Instead, it was right, perfectly and wonderfully right. She gave an inarticulate gasp of wonder, unable to express the incredible sensation of lightness and freedom she was feeling, as if every unhappiness in her life had been left far behind. Joy and awe swelled inside her, as clear and pure as crystal.
"See?" he murmured. "Like I said, not all bad."
Just then, there was a muted clunk behind them, and the beautiful moment was shattered like a fragile pane of glass. The Doctor took an instinctive step backwards, bringing Allie with him, steering her away from the hazardous edge, returning them both to the safety of solid ground. For a brief instant, she was bewildered and disoriented, her sense of loss so acute that she scarcely knew where she was, as if she had just woken from a dream. Then, as she and the Doctor both turned together, she saw Larry carefully edging a handcart out of the TARDIS doors, on to the rocky surface of the asteroid. And strapped to the handcart was the familiar terracotta figure of Charlie the golem.
"Whew, sorry I took a while. He's not exactly a feather-weight!" Larry exclaimed, pushing the handcart over to them, oblivious to the fact that he had interrupted anything.
Allie's gaze fell on the golem's face and she returned to reality with a harsh jolt. A renewed wave of sadness enveloped her. It hurt to remember that she was the cause of Charlie's final expression of pain and sorrow; to know that he had trusted her and she had betrayed him, however necessary it had been.
"How are we going to do this?" she asked in a choked voice, looking up at the Doctor.
"We'll just tip him over the edge, and let him go," the Time Lord replied. "He'll be drawn into the heart of the explosion."
She nodded, fighting to hold back the tears that welled in her eyes. Leaning over, she kissed the statue on the cheek in final farewell, his clay face cold under her lips. "Goodbye, Charlie. I'm sorry we have to do this. I'm sorry there was no other way."
Together, Larry and the Doctor pushed the handcart to the edge and tilted it. Slowly and deliberately, just as slowly and deliberately as he had moved in life, the golem slid away from them and fell out into space, his clay figure dark against the brilliant curtain of colours.
Allie couldn't stop the tears coming now, streaming down her face as she watched him fall, his shape growing smaller and smaller, until he was nothing but a small black speck, floating further and further away into the swirling nebula. Fly free, Charlie...fly free, forever...
Suddenly - so suddenly that it startled her - Larry began reciting in a clear, powerful voice,
"Do not stand by my grave and weep
I am not there, I do not sleep.
I am a thousand winds that blow.
I am the diamond glint of snow.
I am the sun on ripened grain,
I am the gentle autumn rain.
When you awake in the morningʼs hush,
I am the swift uplifting rush
Of quiet birds in circled flight.
I am the stars that shine at night.
Do not stand by my grave and cry,
I am not there, I did not die."
The words trailed away, hanging heavily in the still air. Both Allie and the Doctor looked at Larry in surprise and he gave an embarrassed cough. "Sorry," he mumbled. "Just thought someone should say something profound, since it was sort of a funeral and all, you know?"
"That was beautiful," Allie said, genuinely touched. "Thank you, Larry."
"Yeah, well," he replied, his voice gruff and his face turned away. "That's the poem I think of when I remember Kathy. It helps, sometimes."
For just a few moments, the three of them stood there silently, gazing out into the magnificence of space, each of them absorbed in their own thoughts. Even though the Doctor had said that Charlie didn't have a soul, Allie still found herself saying a silent prayer for him, as she imagined him tumbling into the fiery heart of the supernova. Larry, she suspected, was thinking of his lost sister. And the Doctor...well, to be honest, she had no idea what memories the Doctor was revisiting. But, from the bleak look on his face, it couldn't be anything good.
Eventually, as if by common consent, they all turned and headed back towards the TARDIS, leaving the spectacular vista behind them. Allie was glad. It was absolutely the most splendid and dazzling thing she had ever seen. But, after a while, it felt like it was too much for her limited human vision to cope with. An awesome place to visit, perhaps, but not somewhere she wanted to linger for any length of time. The TARDIS, on the other hand, while equally alien, felt warm and welcoming to her, like a safe, comforting haven. Every time she walked through the doors, she felt as if the time machine was glad to see her, as if she had come home after being away for a long time.
The Doctor took off his coat and threw it over one of the coral roof supports, before going straight to the console and moving around it, flipping switches and pulling levers. Allie watched him. Naturally, she didn't have the faintest clue when it came to flying a TARDIS. However, even in the short time she had known the Doctor, she got the impression that some of the adjustments he made to the controls weren't always really necessary. It was a reflex action, something he did when he needed to think, or when he had to push something difficult to deal with into the back of his mind. It was almost as if just touching the console made him feel better, more in control.
"Don't suppose your ship has a bathroom?" Larry asked. His voice was very low and he appeared pale and rather subdued.
"Through that door, up the corridor, third door on the right," the Doctor replied.
Larry nodded and walked across the console room, vanishing into the maze of white corridors beyond. Allie hoped he wouldn't get lost. She had sneaked a look through the doorway earlier and there had been passageways leading off in a dozen different directions and all of them had looked the same.
"Do you suppose he's all right?" she asked the Doctor, who was still busy fiddling with some buttons on the console. "He looked a bit peaky."
"Probably just a touch of space sickness," he shrugged. "Everyone gets it, their first time in space."
"I haven't," she reminded him.
He glanced across at her with a smile. "Ah, but you're the unflappable Allie Castiel! That gives you an unfair advantage."
"Oh, shut up, Travelling Man!" she said laughingly, her cheeks colouring faintly with embarrassment at his teasing. If anything, the whole episode with Charlie had shown she was anything but unflappable, however often the Doctor chose to say it. If she had been, perhaps the whole thing wouldn't have upset her so much.
Trailing her fingers along the railing, she walked up the ramp to the console and sat down in one of the yellow jump seats, gazing up at the motionless glass time rotor, still worried about Larry. "He told me all about his sister Kathy, you know. How he lost her to those Weeping Angels. It must have been hard for him. I think it bothers him a lot more than he lets on."
"Yeah, I know," the Doctor replied, his eyes once more fixed on what his hands were doing. "I couldn't save her. Sometimes, there's just nothing I can do. Some things just have to happen, whether I like it or not, and that was one of them. Being in the TARDIS is probably bringing it all back for him. He'll be fine, once I get him back home to his Sally Sparrow."
As he spoke, he pulled down a heavy-looking lever and the time rotor began to oscillate with its customary wheezing, groaning sound. Without being told, Allie realised that meant they were taking off.
Back home. The thought was like a blade in her heart. Holding on tight against the jolting motion of the ship, she turned her face away, not wanting the Doctor to read the reluctance in her expression. Now that Charlie was gone, their adventure was nearly over. The Doctor would return her and Larry to Earth, like a couple of unwanted packages, and then he would leave, because he was a traveller, and that was what he did. She would never see him again. Larry would go happily back to his life with Sally Sparrow. And Allie would be left alone, to mop up all the damage Charlie had done. Just thinking about her ruined, snow-filled shop made her feel tired and dispirited. How she was going to explain it all, she had no idea. Especially to the extremely cynical Detective Chief Inspector William Bell.
"I suppose I'd better start thinking of a really good cover story," she said lightly, trying to make a joke of the situation, too proud to show how she really felt. "I've got one hell of an insurance claim waiting for me to sort out back home."
For the first time since they had re-entered the TARDIS, the Doctor stopped moving, his hands remaining still on the console. "You could always...stay."
Her heart skipped a beat. "Stay?"
"Here. In the TARDIS. With me," he clarified. Slowly, he turned to face her, one eyebrow slightly quirked in a quizzical fashion. "We could travel together, see the Universe. Wherever you want, anywhere in time and space. Your choice."
Allie was so stunned at the suggestion that she could hardly breathe, let alone speak. The two of them, together, travelling in this incredible ship, towards infinite horizons and untold adventure... It was all too surreal, too perfect. How could any of it even be happening to her? She was no-one, nothing, just an ordinary girl from London, and here he was, offering her the universe on a silver platter.
"I mean, it's okay if you don't want to," the Doctor said hurriedly, obviously misinterpreting her silence. "The last few days have probably been fairly traumatic for you, I know. But it's not always like this, I promise. It's not all giant blowflies and insane golems. There are beautiful things out there too, fantastic, wonderful, brilliant things, just waiting for us to come and discover them. We can find them all, Allie, if you want...together."
She wanted to shout out 'YES!', wanted it so badly that it hurt. But there was one thing she needed to ask him first - one thing which had been nagging at her since the confrontation with Charlie, and which still stood between them, holding her back from agreeing to accompany him. Stepping close to him, she looked up into his eyes, biting her lip nervously.
"Back at the shop, Charlie said...that you had many deaths weighing on your soul," she said softly. "And you didn't deny it. What did he mean?"
His jaw tightened and his brown eyes were suddenly much too bright, as if they held a thousand unshed tears. Allie thought she had never seen so much suppressed pain in a person's face before. For the first time since she had met him, she saw the latent danger inside him, just as Charlie had said, and she was afraid. All at once, she wondered if he would turn away in anger and refuse to answer the question. Maybe she had pushed him too far, maybe he would be furious enough to rescind his offer to come with him and just dump her back on Earth at the first opportunity. However, remembering that beautiful, perfect moment of trust between them when he had held her suspended over the supernova, she stood her ground, unable to just let it go, whatever the consequences. She had trusted him. If he really wanted her as a companion, now it was his turn to trust her.
"Please, Doctor, before I travel with you, I need to know what he was talking about."
He sucked in a deep, shuddering breath and ran his hands over his face in a weary, resigned gesture. Then he replied in a low, curt voice, "My people didn't just die in a war, Allie. I killed them. Every last one of them. I didn't have any choice. The war turned them into monsters, even worse than the creatures we fought. They would have destroyed the Universe to ensure their own survival. And so I stopped them, because I was the only one who could. Charlie was right, I'm no innocent – their deaths are a part of me now, and I carry them with me, wherever I go. But that's my burden as the last of the Time Lords. I don't expect anyone else to shoulder it, least of all you."
For an instant, Allie hesitated, paralysed by shock. She didn't know what she had been expecting him to say, she only knew that wasn't it. But then she reached out and squeezed his hand, accepting the truth of his reasons without question and filled with compassion for what he must have suffered.
"Thank you for telling me. A few days ago, I might not have got that," she admitted quietly. "But now, after what I had to do to Charlie, I think I have some small idea, even if I can never completely understand what you went through. I'm so very sorry, Doctor."
He looked down at their fingers entwined together, his eyes still full of dark memory, and his grip tightened on hers, as if he was drawing solace from her touch. "Yeah, me too. For both of us."
His fingers were so tight on hers that they were almost painful. Allie could almost feel the rage and anguish and sorrow flowing from his past through his touch. She wanted to hug him, but somehow she knew not to. His grief was too raw and too jagged; the sort of grief it was too hard to acknowledge to yourself, let alone to another person. Even though he had freely answered her question, it was clear any kind of overt comfort would be an intrusion and would not be welcome.
"So," she said brightly, trying to lighten the conversation before their sudden feeling of empathy evaporated and things grew uneasy between them. "This travelling in the TARDIS thing - are you sure it's not all giant blowflies and insane golems?"
He gave her a lop-sided grin, grateful for the reprieve. She could visibly see him retreating back behind his usual bubbly persona, sloughing off the sadness like an old, unwanted skin, and her heart ached for him.
"Not all the time, no. Decision time, Allie Castiel. Are you in or are you out?"
"I guess you'd better count me in," she smiled.
"Ha!" he shouted in jubilation. Raising their joined hands above her head, he spun her in a series of complicated pirouettes around the console, leaving her dizzy and breathless and laughing. "Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the Doctor and Allie, the new Team TARDIS!"
Reaching into his pocket, he withdrew something and hung it around her neck. "There you go, Miss Castiel. Your very own TARDIS key. That makes it official."
She looked down and saw the ordinary Yale lock key dangling from a slender white cord. Her very own key to the front door – official, indeed. With a delighted burst of excitement, she picked it up between her thumb and forefinger, gave it a kiss for luck, and then slipped it down the front of her shirt.
And that's when everything went very, very wrong. All at once, the whole TARDIS lurched sideways, as if a giant hand had swatted it playfully. Both the Doctor and Allie were thrown violently against the opposite wall. The lights flickered wildly, and a great wind seemed to rush past their faces, as if they were caught in the middle of a tempest. Then, as suddenly as it had come, the disturbance was gone. The TARDIS righted itself and the lights resumed full strength.
The Doctor jumped to his feet and hurried over to the control panels, rapidly scanning the instruments.
"What was that?" Allie asked, sitting up and gingerly examining her scraped elbows.
He didn't answer, but he was obviously agitated, spearing his fingers through his spiky hair and muttering fiercely under his breath. "It doesn't make sense. Everything's fine. Apart from a few hiccups in the auxiliary stabliser monitors, and that couldn't cause a major malfunction." Then, slapping his hand flat on the console, he said to the TARDIS, "Come on, old girl, what's wrong with you?"
Barely as he spoke, there was another lurch, this time in the opposite direction. The Doctor snatched at the edge of the console and managed to save himself, but Allie found herself flying through the air once more.
"Doctor, do something!" she exclaimed, massaging a bruised shoulder.
"I'm trying!" he gritted out, his fingers moving like lightening over the various controls. "In the meantime, get a good grip on something!"
Just then, obviously disoriented, Larry stumbled back into the room through the inner door. "What's going on? Are we under attack?"
The Doctor held up his hand, gesturing for silence, his face strained. "Sssshhhhhh! Listen!"
For a moment, Allie couldn't hear anything at all. But then it came again, a sonorous clanging which seemed to be reverberating from the very heart of the TARDIS itself. There was something horribly ominous about the noise, something that chilled her to the bone.
"What is it?" Larry asked, his voice scarcely audible.
"It's the cloister bell!" the Doctor answered grimly, his hands moving even faster over the controls now. "Twice in a day - that has to be a record even for me! It means the TARDIS is in very grave danger. And so are we!"
With that, he disappeared under the console, levering one of the inspection panels off and tossing it aside. Allie held on to the closest railing just in time to avoid another lurch. Larry, unprepared, was flung back against the door frame and lay still. A steady stream of blood trickled from a nasty head wound. Desperately, Allie ran over and grabbed him, clinging to one of the jump seats like a limpet and anchoring them both to safety before the TARDIS could pitch them off their feet again. His eyes were closed and he appeared to be out cold, despite all her efforts to rouse him. All she could do was to hang on to him and hope for the best.
Then she happened to glance up at the exterior scanner and her face paled. "Doctor!"
"Yeah, yeah, I know," he replied impatiently, his voice muffled from under the console, where he was lying on his back, only his long pin-striped legs and his Converse sneakers visible. "I'm working on it. Kinda busy here."
"Doctor, will you just look!" Allie insisted, her voice escalating into panic.
In response, his head finally popped up over the side of the console. "What?" His eyes widened dramatically as he followed her line of vision to the view-screen. "Oh, blimey."
Where before there had been nothing but star-sprinkled darkness on the screen, a huge spacecraft was reforming itself, apparently out of nothing.
"So that's it!" The Doctor was moving again now, his agile fingers punching in codes on the space time coordinate panel.
"What's it?" Allie shrieked.
"It's a city ship in warp drive!" he replied distractedly, still busy. "It's re-materialising in this sector and we, like everything else nearby, are being sucked against its hull!"
Allie stared in horror at the monolithic ship bearing down on them. "We'll be crushed!"
"Not...if I can...re-materialise...on board the...ship! HOLD ON!" the Doctor shouted, one foot up on the console to support himself as another violent tremor shook the TARDIS. Using all his strength, he slammed down one of the larger levers, and the time rotor gave a piercing screech. Allie held on to the jump seat with one hand, and clung fast to Larry with the other. The atmosphere seemed to contort weirdly and then fold in on itself. She could still hear the cloister bell tolling, but she couldn't see the Doctor any more. Everything was shimmering like a heat mirage and the pressure on her lungs was unbearable.
Feeling as if her head was about to explode, she opened her mouth and screamed silently in agony.