A little insight on what Edward had done since he'd left Jasper's office. There might be triggers, so proceed with caution.

After leaving Bella in front of Eclipse, Edward walked toward the beach. He didn't plan on stopping, because if he did, he'd return to her. He kept justifying his decision in keeping Bella away, but the best reasoning was that he didn't want to turn against her.

Edward knew exactly what therapy would do to him. He could already envision himself having raging fits and nights of wallowing in self-misery. Bella shouldn't be witness to that, or be in the wrong place at the wrong time. He wouldn't be able to control himself.

"Monster…because you'll become a monster in my eyes if you ever hurt me so deeply," Angela's voice echoed loudly in his ears.

Thinking of Angela, gave Edward a nudge to visit her grave again.

He stopped by a liquor store and bought a bottle of whiskey, before walking to the cemetery.

Edward sat on the marble stone of Angela's grave, trying to remember which member of his family had dealt with all the details of the burial. Edward had made it as far as the cemetery's gate back then. After puking his guts out against his car's rear, he had Felix take him back home.

That night, Edward had emptied half of the contents from a whiskey bottle.

Now, as he lay against the cold stone, he realized what an idiot he had been.

Drinking was never the answer. He should have learned his lesson in college, when he'd begged Siobhan to hit him harder for the easy way he had it in life. Siobhan should have never accepted playing his dangerous game, but she was a sadist. She had loved seeing him in pain, no matter the reason he wanted that pain.

The months after Angela's death had led him back to his old habit, but this time Edward was already hurting. He didn't need any external factor to induce pain on his body. The alcohol had given the illusion to soothe the ache.

Uncapping the bottle, Edward took a pull.

He thought about opening up to Jasper, having Jasper make him question himself in regards to that night…

Was it really the truck driver's fault? If that was true, why didn't Edward feel furious and ready to track him down and have him locked up?

Had Edward believed for too long that he was the one guilty?

Survivor's guilt, Jasper had called it. Of course, Edward hated himself for walking away from the wreckage with some scratches and no lasting damage.

Edward closed his eyes, drinking for several minutes. When he opened his eyes, the blurry headstone reminded him that the other life deserved more than this. He had to make the right calls and add an inscription for the fetus.

Edward refused to think of it any other way. The thing had been too underdeveloped to be called a baby, or have a specific sex allotted.

He could remember the shock and happiness of finding out Angela was pregnant. They had planned to invite the family over at the beginning of March, after the ultrasound that told them what they were expecting.

"Fuck." He curled against the marble top, hugging his jacket closer to his body.

July nights were not supposed to be chilly, especially in Southern California.

Edward refused to believe he could feel a presence near him.

During the night, he emptied the bottle of whiskey, mulling over his future. He was going to keep seeing Jasper, because he wanted to get better.

And the first thing he did when he'd feel better, was to contact Bella. She had no obligation to him, but part of Edward hoped she'd wait for him. He'd learn how to be a better boyfriend, and find balance between the dominant and the boyfriend inside him.

"Edward!" His name being called sounded foreign to his ears.

It was morning.

His head was pounding, due to the alcohol he'd ingested the previous night. He was still lying across Angela's grave.

"Edward." Jasper's voice resounded with authority.

"What do you want from me?" Edward grunted, not ready to move an inch.

"By whose standards did you judge your drinking problem when you told me you weren't back to your old ways?"

Perfect. Jasper was trying to play that card. Edward fought against the frightening desire inside him, ready to obey to Jasper's words.

"It's different." Edward chose to answer. It was different, he'd realized it the previous night.

"You're right. It's different – it's worse now!" Jasper snapped. "Do you think this is what Angela would—"

He saw red. "DON'T!" Edward made to lunge at Jasper, but equilibrium wasn't his friend that morning. He stumbled, falling on his knees in front of his friend. The irony wasn't lost on him.

"From this moment forward, if you taste alcohol again, you'd wish you never wanted to know what pain is."

Edward nearly snorted in his palms covering his face. "I know pain." Whip lashes biting against his skin. Heartbreak. The agony of losing two innocent lives due to his controlling nature.

"Not the kind of pain I'm going to inflict on your ass."

A shiver went down Edward's spine. The pull to accept one of Jasper's early offers came to the forefront of his mind.

Edward needed a break from his head and all the guilt consuming him. Jasper would know exactly what to do.

If there had been anyone else before him, Edward would have never considering shattering all the walls.

His hands shook as he placed them on his knees, taking the most submissive stance known to humankind.

"You once promised me to help if I ever need it. Pull me under, Jasper. Please." Edward dared calling his friend on his name, because it was something they had agreed to do the other times they had dabbled with a scene.

Jasper's hand stroking his hair, had Edward relaxing. But as fast as he was ready to fall into subspace, a place he hadn't been since college, he heard the sound of feet running. He wouldn't have broken the stance, if he hadn't recognized the sob erupting from the running figure.

"Bella!" He stared in horror after her retreating figure. Edward turned his eyes to Jasper's, reeling back at the stormy blue he met. Jasper looked conflicted, yet still in character.

"Shhh." Jasper combed his fingers through Edward's hair. "I've got you, Edward."

Edward wanted to run after Bella, but his body was cemented at Jasper's feet. Mind over matter. He had to heal.

"Do you want to talk to me?" Jasper asked, quietly.

Edward kept his eyes on Jasper's, knowing that even Jasper was playing it by ear. He'd do anything to make Edward feel comfortable.

"My safe word is monster," Edward said, ignoring Jasper's rueful smile. He could still remember asking his friend for advice, when Angela had come up with that word. Edward had been sure he'd fucked up before they had done anything.

Jasper nodded. "Should I repeat my question?"

"Pull me under, please."

Jasper pursed his lips, his eyes narrowing. "Not without hearing a sound reason."

"I can't deal with this. I need…help." Edward gulped, taking a shaky breath. "And not the kind of help you can offer me at the clinic."

"Do you really think that's the answer?"

"Yes."

"What do you expect me to do with you when you're under?"

"Make me forget." Edward licked his lips. "The paddle is probably still my favorite." He was transferring Jasper all his control.

"No," Jasper said loudly.

The finality in his voice, made Edward jerk back as if he'd been slapped.

"I'm sorry, Edward. But this is the wrong path." Jasper sat in front of him. "Sit. Tell me what's on your mind."

Edward held his position, clenching his fingers around his knees. He'd thought this was the only way to sort out his life in that moment. It was the only way he knew.

The last time he had felt lost, surrounded by fake people who only wanted to be his friends because his last name was Cullen, he'd had Siobhan.

"I need this, Jasper," he rasped out.

One of Jasper's warm hands covered Edward's on his knee. "Why do you think you need to be punished?"

Edward swallowed hard. His mouth was suddenly dry at the ghost of the feeling he'd use to have when he had let go in Mistress Siobhan's room. "Freedom from my demons."

"That's where my psychology degree comes to play, man. Not my authority as a Dom."

"Help me," Edward begged. "I was too proud to accept your help when you offered it in the beginning. Now, I'm going to lose the reason to keep living if I don't deal with what happened that night."

"Bella's not going anywhere. That girl cares for you more than you think. Did you know that she was so determined to make you see that you need her in order to heal, that she went to your house this morning? Then she came to me, asking if you'd spent the night with us, before she threatened me for hurting you with my methods for healing you."

"She did?" Edward felt as if a hole had been punched in his stomach. He couldn't breathe. He held his position, taking ragged breaths.

Jasper nodded solemnly.

"I think I'm falling for her," Edward admitted in a small voice.

"Don't fight these feelings, Ed. You deserve happiness."

"I'm so fucked up…" Edward dropped his head, glaring at the dried earth.

"She's pretty fucked up, too, in case you haven't noticed. But the difference is, Bella has found a reason to keep going."

"She's my reason to keep going."

"Then, fucking man up and face your problems. It's not too late to sort out your life, Edward." Jasper cupped his shoulder. "And this isn't the answer."

"It worked for me before," Edward argued. Though, at the same time, he remembered how it all had backfired at him when Siobhan had put too much pressure on him.

"Dealing with your problems in subspace is the worst way to handle it. Only natural submissives can do this – you're not one of them. And if you want to bring up how I helped Alice in the beginning, I want you to know that I took a chance. It had been the only way I could think of that would help her."

Edward clenched his fists. "I was getting better," he spat. "I could think of Angela without pain ripping through my chest. I could say her name without the desire to stab myself. I could even get in a car, I fucking started driving again…"

Jasper's hand clenched on his friend's shoulder. "Then you were faced with a part of your past that you didn't even try dealing with – the baby."

Edward looked toward the grave, feeling a surge of anger consuming him. A sound close to a sob left his throat, full of despair and anguish. "I ignored its existence. It was as if the fetus never existed, while I tried to cope with Angela's death."

"I want you to stop this right now," Jasper authoritative tone made Edward turn to face his friend. "Think of that poor soul as a baby."

Edward shook his head. "It will make it real."

"Edward, he was real. You couldn't see the baby, which gives you the illusion that it didn't exist…but he was very much real."

Edward slumped forward, and Jasper caught him, rubbing his back soothingly as Edward finally allowed himself to grieve the other life that had perished that fateful night. Jasper kept whispering encouraging words, reminding Edward it was all right not to be all right and that such traumas left deep wounds, but time would heal them.

Time passed slowly as Edward got a grip of himself.

"Let's take you home," Jasper said quietly. He supported most of Edward's weight, as they walked away from the grave.

"Will the numb feeling ever go away?" Edward asked, warily.

"Eventually. When the memories threaten to drown you, you have to think of your happy place."

Edward's happy place was right in front of him as they stepped out of the cemetery. Bella was curled into a ball against the rear wheel of Jasper's Toyota.

She scrambled to her feet when she noticed them, then rushed toward them. She stopped abruptly a foot in front of Edward, rocking on her feet, her hands twitching at her sides, and her eyes wild with worry.

"Come here," he said in a rough voice. She was too much. Even though she wanted nothing more than to comfort him, she respected his boundaries. It said a lot about her character.

Bella threw herself into his arms, and Edward squeezed her tightly. He felt like he could breathe easier again. The weight he'd felt pressing on his shoulders when he'd foolishly thought subspace would save him, lifted the moment he was in Bella's arms.

Edward met Jasper's eyes over Bella's head. He finally understood the look in his friend's eyes. Jasper had known all along how important Bella was for him, but Edward had been blind to see it himself. Jasper had been waiting for Edward to see it for himself.

"I hate to rush this, but some of us have to be at work," Jasper drawled.

"Fuck. What time is it?" Edward pulled away from Bella, unwillingly. He patted his pocket for his phone.

"It's close to eleven," Jasper answered. "I suggest you take the day off."

Edward rolled his eyes. "I've already missed more work days than I care to admit."

"And the company hasn't gone to shit. Let Ben deal with it. Want me to call Ben and tell him that you're not okay to go to work today?" Jasper challenged.

"What about Ben? I've been thinking only about how I feel…what about him?" Edward glared at his friend. "Maybe he needs some time off, too. I'm going to work."

Bella rubbed his bicep, watching him with concern in her brown eyes. "I'll drive you," she offered. "But my car…"

Jasper groaned. "Get in the truck. I'll drop you by at my house."

Bella climbed in the back, and Edward turned to Jasper, who hadn't moved from where he was standing.

"Thank you, Jasper." He hugged his friendly. "I have no idea what I'll do without you."

"I'm always here if you need me," Jasper promised.

Things are looking up for them. =)

PS: for that guest reviewer (she/he knows who they are), please just shut up if you have nothing better to do. Or leave a signed review so I can answer your questions. And if you want to flounce my story, you better remember we, fanfiction writers, do this for fun. You would never have the guts to flounce a published writer.