Chapter 30.

I still love comments and reviews, and if it wasn't for your continued support I would have abandoned this project a long time ago. As it stands, I not only want to see this to its conclusion, but I feel I owe you guys at least that much. It's a good incentive to write and keep improving on this story. I want to extend my gratitude to you all about that again and again. This is possible because of your support. Latest edit July 27th, 2015. Cheers and Enjoy. P.S. I felt like Blue Foundation - Eyes On Fire (Zeds Dead Remix) is the perfect song to go with this chapter.

"What the haran(1), Torian?!"

Torian grunted, brows quirked at a fast approaching and upset Corridan.

"An entire squad, really?"

"Yes?"

"Yes? That's it? Oh, so polite too!" Corridan rubbed his forehead with both gloved hands, doing his best not to form fists. "Hey, Torian! I don't want to bury my best friend just yet. Yes?" Corridan said the last replicating Torian's usual inflection.

Torian began rolling his eyes and Corridan pointed a menacing index finger at him.

"Don't do it."

Torian exhaled and counted to five, Corridan could test his patience. "Cor."

"Yes?"

"Overreacting?"

"I disagree."

Torian scoffed and shook his head from side to side. This time he did roll his eyes. "Not my mother."

"But I am your brother. What kind of habits have you been picking up since trooping with the Champion?"

Torian frowned, anger beginning to simmer at the bottom of a pit like the embers of a stubborn fire that would not die even with the rain.

"Effective habits."

"You mean suicidal ones, 'cause you could have died."

"Didn't."

Corridan crossed his arms and frowned now as he leaned all his weight on his right leg leaving his left light and ready. "Oh, famous last words, can I use it for your obituary or would you prefer it on your tombstone?"

Torian laughed. "Mandos don't do graves."

Corridan sighed. "You get the point."

Torian sighed. "Problem?"

"Why are you here, Torian?"

Torian tried not to let it hurt that his oldest and perhaps only friend was asking him that question.

"We're Vode(2)."

Corridan softened at that and let his arms fall, relaxing his stance. "Yea, and as your vod(3), I have to remind you that you came here a month ago leaving behind a stunning woman. Really, if you don't want her, may I?"

Torian's head turned away with the same speed as a strike. "Not worthy."

Corridan sighed, all hints of his attempted mirth replaced with worry. "Says who, Torian?"

Torian looked at Corridan. "Me. The clans. Mandalore."

Corridan frowned. "Kriff them all! I haven't heard a thing about this."

"Would have."

Corridan's face twisted in an emotion Torian rather not name. To be pitied by Corridan was too much. He stood and walked away.

"Torian! Wait!"

Torian didn't wait, he kept walking as he swallowed his pride, his rage and his melancholy.

Corridan watched his childhood friend's back disappear towards the sleeping quarters of their transport ship. Kevain, a new recruit from Clan Kovas walked up to a desolate Corridan.

"You okay, boss?"

Corridan sighed, but then looked Kevain in the eye. "Kevain, you're new, what do you think of Torian?"

Kevain frowned. "Boss?"

Corridan shook his head. "No tricks, just be honest, what do you think of Torian Cadera?"

Kevain nodded and looked thoughtful for a moment. He looked back at Corrdian.

"I've heard some things about Clan Cadera, mostly about what happened two decades ago. From what I hear that was Torian's old man. I bet that must have sucked."

Kevain sighed and looked away from Corridan as he went on.

"He's one of the strongest warriors I have ever met, and I've been through a couple of Clans myself. He's reckless, but I think his head's in the right place. Too bad he doesn't realise that not all of us are gonna be as hard on him as Ordo was." Kevain shrugged. "My sister was on Taris when he reclaimed Cadera's honour. She won't stop asking me to introduce them. It's kind of annoying."

Corridan sighed and tried not to let his feelings get the better of him as Kevain strode off. No, Torian did not realise that other Clans had very different opinions on him and how he should have been raised. When Corridan had found out it had taken a good month of straight hunting just to work out all the rage. But Mandalore was from Clan Ordo, so it had made sense. Never mind that Clan Ordo had taken some of the most casualties during that clash of ideals which made it the worst place to raise Torian. What had made him the angriest was that selfish voice within him that was grateful that Torian had been assigned to Clan Ordo regardless. Without that, Corridan would not have had Torian as his best friend.

Three whole months, two since the incident with the enemy squad and one since he had left the Mantis. Corridan hadn't let it go. Wasn't going to let it go. He saw it as a symptom of a self-destructive disease, one he had always accused Torian of. Torian took refuge in the obscure parts of the ship they had been travelling on. The Leviant was a larger cruiser type ship than the Mantis, Torian found he missed the creaky old bird. She was homier than the Leviant. But the Leviant had hammocks, and Torian loved those. Torian curled up with his blanket on his usual hammock. Instead of sleeping he was remembering.

Three months ago her hair had begun to grow out, longish and even messier than usual, she had looked stunning. How long must it be by now? Her hair grew so fast.

Her eyes had been large and sharp and so bright. It always made him pause, but she had been angry with him. Raidre had a particular way of getting angry. It took time to simmer and finally boil over. In the midst of her 'simmering' phase, Raidre would fool almost anyone into believing that she was unaffected by the conversation. She never fooled him. Maybe he just paid too much attention, but there were signs. A flushing of cheeks, a distinctive pulsation at the carotid arteries on either sides of her neck. It was rare to see them pulsating at all, never mind both sides!

If you wanted to see, you could spot a lot about a person based in their body language. She had been following him to the docking bay. He'd just shown up with his pack and told her he was leaving. She grabbed his arm as she caught up to him and forced him to face her. A frown creasing her brows together. Worried.

"I think I have a right to know why you're leaving."

Her voice always felt like velvet and cool silk all at once. He had looked at her at the sound of her voice, pack slung on one shoulder and ready to depart. He'd been silent for a long time, and she had remained patient. He was always impressed and in awe of her for that.

"Not worthy."

She frowned at him, eyes more sharp than ever. "Use complete sentences please."

He frowned back and she sighed.

"Listen, I usual get you, but this is important so I don't want to misunderstand. Humour me and elaborate, please?"

Torian swallowed but nodded. "I'm not worthy of being part of your crew."

Her frown deepened. "What the hell did I say to give you that impression?!"

Torian did his best not to laugh at her genuine surprise, it made her scrunch up her face in the cutest way, but a smile still escaped him. Any mirth vanished quickly and was replaced by wistfulness.

"You're hand."

She clenched a fist and her jaw. She groaned and rubbed her forehead with a hand. They'd had many discussions on this topic as they finished their job on Hoth. And it must have dawned on her that her dismissiveness had done nothing to absolve him of whatever lingering guilt he harboured on this topic. Though now she knew it was far more than just lingering.

"That was NOT your fault." she began.

"Yes-"he began, but she cut him off.

"Neither of us could have predicted that a Jedi was going to follow me to Hoth."

"If I can't protect you-"he tried to interject.

"I'm the shabla haran(4) champion of the great hunt, Torian! Some of the jobs we take are really dangerous, no one can protect me from them, and it's our job to get in harm's way!"

How much her use of the pronoun 'we' had cut him at that moment.

"Then I'm just slowing you down."

"You're not listening to me."

Her eyes lost their edge and grew wide instead. He had never seen this expression before. Defeat, she had lost and saw no way out. He had never seen her lose at anything before.

"You're cutting me off." he added after a while of mutual silence.

She pulled herself back, it was a subtle thing. It was not as if she took a step away from him or anything. But more of an emotional pulling away. In that moment he realized that this had hurt her. Perhaps more than he knew and he regretted it. He regretted it more than anything he'd ever done before. He found himself walking back to her, closing the distance between them pack forgotten and discarded on the floor. He took booth her arms in his hands and saw tears in her eyes. Tears she was doing her best to hold back. Torian had thick skin, he had never really been bothered by the insults, or the injustices he had been subjected to in his short life, but this he felt like a hot vibroblade, both cutting and burning.

If he had any doubt of his unworthiness, this confirmed it.

He didn't deserve this woman.

In his time on the Mantis he'd discovered many sides to her, sides to her he had never guessed would be there. She cooked for her crew and baked for their birthdays. Caring, thoughtful and considerate. When it was time to celebrate she took them out to feast and partied it up. Generous. She was fair and understanding which explained how she could develop a friendship with people so different from each other. Honourable and versatile. Gault and Mako were polar opposites and yet they worked together under her leadership and guidance. Charismatic.

There was a warmth to her that drew him in like a moth to a flame. She was dangerous because she was everything he wanted and then some.

"I'm sorry for cutting you off, please continue."

She whispered because she feared if she raised her voice she would lose control of it. Her being polite was too much. His grip on her got tighter.

"Get angry."

She laughed without humour. "Why? So you can feel justified in leaving?"

He hadn't thought that far. And she was right. Shab…

She shook her head, her hair swaying and concealing her burns every time she got to the extreme right side of her shaking.

"No, you don't get to have my anger. You want to leave? Go. But you're doing that all on your own. You have people here who care about you. Who'll miss you and worry about you. You get to take that with you. No one chased you, or told you to leave, you're leaving us all on your own."

"Not worthy."

"You're the only one on this ship who thinks that."

She had pulled away from him and he knew he would never forget that confrontation. How she had turned her back on him and walked away. How he had stared at his back-pack for what seemed like a long time. He'd finally left, feeling hollow. Mako had called him over 100 times since his departure, even Gault had dropped him a line or two, but Raidre remained stubborn and silent. He'd even gotten a couple of messages from Aiden. That had done a lot to boost the Mandalorian's morale. Aiden was adamant about joining clan Cadera when he was old enough. The kid sent frequent holo calls and gave detailed accounts of his training regiment, always asking Torian's opinion and seeking his approval. It was new and odd but Torian found he was growing even fonder of Aiden for his sincerity and genuine need to be like Torian. The last holo call had brought tears to Torian's eyes.

"So when will I be ready to join clan Cadera?"

Torian had frowned and shook his head. "Don't want to join Cadera. Better clans out there."

Aiden frowned. "I only want to join Cadera. I only want to be Mandalorian if I get to be your brother."

Torian had chuckled at that. "All brothers, Aiden."

"Not good enough, Cadera and brothers!"

The kid would not be deterred. Not that Torian could call him kid for much longer, he had begun his growth spurt and Torian feared he would be looking up to Aiden soon rather than the other way around. It had felt good, to have his name be a coveted thing rather that a vile one. He wondered if Jicoln would be proud of him, he already knew that his mother was. He still felt excitement over the prospect of rebuilding Clan Cadera but had no idea where to start. Torian had been too young to recall any of his mother's clan-mates. He toyed with his holo.

He missed her. It burned when he was reminded of her. And now, with this new idea, an idea he had never dared to entertain, he could only think of her. He opened the holo, its light illuminating his lonely hammock. And dialled in her coordinates. He readied the recoding, but what to tell her?

He pressed record. "Hi, been fine. How's the crew?"

He pressed stop, and growled as he deleted it. He attempted three more recordings before he threw the holo away. He curled up even more on his hammock. Trying to feel comforted by it, but falling short. He hated the sound of his voice, had nothing interesting to say and couldn't even manage to come up with a worthy apology. He stared at his holo from his hammock for what felt like hours, unable to sleep or even relax.

He groaned and got out of his hammock to retrieve the damn thing. He sat back down and stared at it in his hands. He would never be satisfied with anything he said or wrote her, but he needed to write to her, to hear her voice. What he would have given to be able to touch her and smell her. He missed her smell. Manda(5), he just missed her, all of her.

Corridan was right, what was he doing here?!

For sure there was a line-up of all the other Mandalorians who wanted to fill his now vacant spot. He punched in her coordinates again and wrote her. It wasn't even close to adequate, but if it got them talking again he'd be satisfied.

Aiden wants to be part of clan Cadera. Feels good, but not worthy yet. Still too damaged to be a good leader.

He sent his message before he had the chance to feel embarrassed by it and delete it. He thought about that for a long time before drifting into a sound sleep as he lay in his hammock. His sleep was short however. The Leviant docked on Nar Shadaa. He picked up his gear and pack, ready for what was now his last mission with Corridan and company. That's when he noticed he had a message. He almost jumped on his holo!

"Woah! Torian, did ya lose something?"

Kevain asked as he walked in.

"No."

Kevain nodded but he rose a quizzical brow at Torian. "Oh-kay, Corridan sent me to come get, you, we just docked. We'll be doing this one together."

Torian groaned. After the whole squad thing, Corridan had been assigning different vodes() just to watch Torian and make sure he didn't do anything too heroic.

"Again?"

Kevain shrugged embarrassed. "Hey, it could be Drova."

Both of them groaned, Drova was such a stiff!

Torian smiled. "Yea, it could."

Kevain raised an arm at Torian, bent at the elbow, fist curled. "Come here!"

Torian rolled his eyes but knocked his forearm to Kevain's. Kevain grinned. "Now, who's your favourite babysitter?"

Torian groaned and pushed the other man away as they both exited his corner of the sleeping quarters. Kevain tightened his jetpack and glanced sideways at Torian.

"So I noticed you packed your stuff…"

Torian almost stopped. "Yea, going back."

"Ah." Kevain said nothing more for a while, then glanced at Torian's holo. "You gonna get that?"

Torian pulled out his holo and read its message. It was from her and that made him stand still. Kevain took a couple of steps before realising Torian was lagging. He turned back and was almost shocked to see his brother holding his breath.

"Bad news?"

Torian shook his head. "She answered."

"You WROTE to her?!"

Kevain raced back and tried to read Torian's holo, but the blond Mando turned his holo off before the younger mando'ad(6) could read it.

"Aww, come on! What she say? What did YOU say?"

Torian blushed, he hadn't meant to share his worries with Kevain, but the guy was good at ferreting information out of people!

"Told her 'bout Aiden."

Kevain nodded. "Aha, and? What else? What did she write back?!"

Torian felt sad, he was going to miss the team, especially Corridan and Kevain.

"Read it later, mission first."

Kevain looked at him, mouth wide and frowning with disappointed. "Come on, dude! You're killing me!"

Torian smiled. "Personal."

"Argh!" Kevain pulled his bucket on and so did Torian. "Fine, be that way. You suck by the way!"

Torian sighed and Kevain put an arm around Torian's shoulders. "Alright, so I got this stellar plan to win over ANY woman! Let me share it with you…"

They walked out together to the main deck, Torian half paid attention, but his mind kept flashing back to her response. It had been short, but it had meant a lot of things. She didn't hate him, maybe she had missed him too and maybe she would allow him to join them again. He pulled out his holo discreetly when they were being briefed on their next mission to glance at her message again:

Torian, we're all damaged.

NOTES:

1 .Hell.

2.Brothers, plural.

3.Brother, singular.

4. I'm using it like Bloody hell!

5. As close to God as you can find in Mando'a.

6.You guys know what this means by now! In fact, I am going to stop end noting it as of THIS chapter!