Choi Young did not have an answer for her. What he began to feel was so new, he could not remember the last time he wished to hold a woman. He refused to believe that the last night was just a striking fantasy, a foolish dream of unrequited yearning. Nothing ever felt more real.
General Choi Young was not a person who allowed himself to run freely with his emotions. But ever since her met her, he started to follow a new logic, a logic of feelings. Everything he did with her, he did because it felt right, because not doing it would go against the most natural order of things and because he was not fighting against his heart, he was following it. But when she trembled in his arms, the way she looked at him after the kiss, the way she asked him so helplessly, he was regretful for being so impulsive. If he considered it rationally, the kiss was a mistake, it slipped his lips, it took him by surprise and hurt her. That kiss should not have happened. He should have walked out the door, like they planned, and never looked back. If he could only turn back the hands of time, go to the exact moment before he agreed to her help, go to a place where he still had control over his feelings, the time, when he was a general of Woodalchi, cool, controlled and emotionless.
"Please forgive my insensitivity. I'm not used to dealing with women," he looked ashamed.
Eun Soo was still dumbfounded. So, it is not just her, who has this longing, this need that made no sense whatsoever in this situation. Am I losing my mind? Is it a dream? Am I heading toward a black hole that will suck me in and eat me alive? Why on earth I am at the mercy of THIS? Though it was just a kiss, the world seemed to have shifted its axis, coming into place. It was just a kiss, not her first one, just a kiss, but her entire being felt connected to him. She knew it was not about sex or attraction, she was long past that, because it was JUST A KISS. It was for a simple reason that she got a glimpse of what he felt when their lips touched. A part of him was already inside her, his energy flowing through her body mixing with hers, an enlightening and spiritual experience she could not yet fully comprehend. He kissed her because he needed to let her know, because he was following the same sense that led her to him – they had to be together.
"You… Do you like me?" she looked at him anxiously.
"Imja, I…" the words stuck in his throat. He wanted to say, "I do, I like you, I am falling for you," but saying it seemed harder than moving a mountain; his heart trembled as the words formed. His eyes moist with tears, reflected a pained struggle, love and confusion.
Tenderly, he lifted her on her feet, "Are you all right? Can you stand?"
"A patient is worrying about me, what an irony," Eun Soo smiled through the tears. "You don't have to answer, it's better if you don't. It does not matter anyway, since you are leaving." She looked at him lovingly, "Just know that I care about you and hope you will be safe."
Eun Soo opened the closet door, got a man's jacket out and handed it to him, "Put it on, the mornings are chilly in Seoul." "A scarf" – she lifted on her toes and looped a grey wool scarf around his neck, "to be warm".
The moment has passed. The instant when they could have changed their destiny is in the past, and in the present, they are back to where they were, following the blueprint they set for themselves. Victim of this choice, Choi Young could only watch for now; he did not deserve this kindness after being such a coward.
He wanted to stop her, take her hand and tell her how much he wants to come to her. He wanted to explain that he is not used to sharing his heart with others and that he does not talk about his feelings, because he tries not to have any. He wanted to tell her that there was a time when the pain was so strong that he wished to be dead and that meeting her was a precious gift that he did not know how to accept. He wanted to scream at the top of his lungs that being with her made him feel like himself, like he finally found what was missing. If he could speak, if he could talk!
"Here, all ready," she was dressed and started to put on her boots. A few more steps and they would be out the door, should she stop him, should she tell him to stay? Just for an extra day or two so that they both could at least figure out what was growing between them. Should she be selfish or altruistic? Which one would it be, if she asked? Does she need to offer him to stay here, in this world with her, because he is the stranger and she is his guide? She really did not know how to proceed.
Choi Young changed into the sneakers, blankly staring at her, his whole body a manifestation of powerlessness: head down, hands hung by the sides, his tall figure slouched.
"Don't forget your sword."
"Yes", he picked it up and looked at the sword, thinking that he no longer felt lost without it.
The distinctive beep of the security alarm sounded and the door opened, almost hitting them.
"Unni, I'm home," and a couple, glued to each other, squeezed through the doorway into the apartment. Both Choi Young and Eun Soo backed out of their way. He looked at her with a question mark written in his widened eyes. The couple kissed loudly and only after that they noticed the two people staring at them.
"Oh, you finally brought a man home, good for you!" cheered the girl. "Oppa, Eun-Soo-ya Unnie got a boyfriend."
Eun Soo did not protest, only confirming the outrageous statement that Choi Young was her boyfriend. But how else could she explain his presence in her home in the morning, wearing another man's outfit.
"Oh, it looks just like my jeans, and a jacket," remarked observantly young man.
"Hello, I'm Moon Hee Jun," he offered a handshake to Choi Young whose first reaction was to prepare for defense.
Eun Soo came to his rescue. "Don't be shy, shake his hand," and she grabbed the guy's palm and purposely exacerbated her movement as a demonstration for the stranger, shooting a look at Choi Young to follow suit.
"Hello, I'm Choi Young", he bowed and then tentatively repeated the handshake move.
"Easy, easy", exclaimed the man, shaking the hand after a crushing general's grip.
"We were just going out," hurried Eun Soo and pulling Choi Young with her, she escaped. The door closed behind them and they could here giggling and more loud kisses.
"Is everybody so open about affection in your world?"
"No, not everybody. There are different degrees of affection that can be displayed in public and in private. Look at me, I'm like a social studies professor. I will teach you all about affection later," and she blushed, thinking about the kiss and the double meaning of her words.
"I'm looking forward to it," responded Choi Young playfully.
Now this time around, Eun Soo was not laughing. She looked up at him incredibly seriously, "Stranger, what do you want to do? It's your call."
"Do we have to go to the Hwata's gate right now?" his last attempt to stall. The king, the duty, his life before her - they all seemed like a distant dream, in this world with her - he finally was awake, and he wanted to stay awake as long as possible.
"Is there a place that you like? Can we go there?"
Eun Soo understood that he wanted to spend more time with her, although he could not explicitly admit his feelings, he was trying to show her how he felt. A few more hours with him was not something she could refuse.