A/N: Welcome to the head of one Turkafinwë Tyelkormo. Take your meds (he didn't!) and proceed with caution.
7
Celegorm lay sprawled on the grass, arms folded beneath his head, with the sounds of the waking world soothing him into a semi-conscious state. But sleep would not come and it had refused to come throughout the whole night. Try as he might, he could not quiet his thoughts, not even after counting every star he could see in the sky many times over and naming them each. Anger still festered inside him and simmered under a slow burn, but at least the lid did not threaten to blow right off any longer.
He'd spent the entire night prowling the grasslands like a caged animal suddenly set free, straying further from camp than he should have. But the night held no dangers to him. At least no greater danger than breaking loose and doing what rage drove him to do against those ungrateful bastards he had been assigned to watch over. As his resentment grew and pride awoke to remind him who he was, Celegorm knew that he would tear any Dwarf to shreds, should one cross his path, sense and caution and carefully laid plans be damned!
Before dawn, Amrod had tracked him down and brought some food, but Celegorm could not take a single bite, not with his stomach still in knots. He took a drink and sent his brother back, telling him to pack up camp and start the day's journey whether Celegorm returned or not. Since he could not keep his ire from rising even at the thought of seeing another bearded flea-bag, he would likely roam around the convoy on foot and hunt until he could contain himself enough to prevent a murderous rampage. Of like mind, but unwilling to leave Amras alone, Amrod left the food and disappeared back to camp.
The untouched food had been overrun by ants and they made quick work of the unexpected feast. Celegorm watched them in the first light of dawn and then amused himself by following the trek of a cricket across his chest. But those small distractions did little to help him forget why he was all alone in the middle of nowhere.
He could not be at his father's side and he hadn't been there to keep Eru knew what disaster had befallen his family because he had to guard a bunch of dirty, smelly, uncouth and petty Dwarves! Hate bubbled inside him and Celegorm ground his teeth hard, cursing the Dwarves and the thankless job that his father had laid upon him. He should never have accepted it. Why hadn't Nelyo stayed behind, with his endless patience and his limitless diplomacy?! Or Káno, who wouldn't know insult from kindness if someone yelled it in his ear? Why did it have to be him and why had he not knocked those little bastards flat on their backs sooner?
'Who do they think they are?!' he thought furiously. 'Who in Mandos do they think they are and what do they take me for?! If only I could tell them… if only I could go there and tell them and then slit their miserable throats while they cower in fear before me!'
He had contemplated sneaking back to camp and quietly getting the job done. The Dwarves would be none the wiser. His brothers would listen to him and at least stay out of it if they did not wish to get their hands dirty. Why should they have to babysit a bunch of ungrateful bastards who still treated them like dirt after everything Celegorm and his kinsmen had done for them? Why not dispatch them and let the carrion birds take care of the rest? It was a small miracle Thorin and his motley crew had survived in the wild so long and they would have been worm-food long ago if not for the protection they scoffed at every chance they got.
Celegorm could take the map and the key from Thorin. His father and Nelyo knew their secrets and the way into the mountain. Why not just go there without the noisome Dwarf rabble and at the end of the day, Smaug didn't even have to be killed, merely lured out and kept out while they searched for the Silmaril. They'd figure out something to bait the dragon with and if the opportunity showed itself, they would kill it. After all, that miserable mortal Turin had been able to kill Glaurung all by himself. The whole House of Fëanor would have no trouble with one of Glaurung's lesser spawn.
'But nooo… I can't do that!' Celegorm grumbled to himself. 'Father forbade it. He says we don't do that anymore' the Elf huffed. 'He says we must be diplomatic about this and I can just hear him in his high and mighty voice, lecturing me about how to hold my temper in check and think of all the work we've done thus far. How wonderful… If only father hadn't done the idiotic thing of actually befriending one of those pests. Of all the unthinkable things, he's gone and taken a liking to Thorin Oakenshield and now he means to make him King under the Mountain in the foolish hope that somehow, that angry midget will forgive him for lying. And stealing his Arkenstone. Father should wake up and smell the roses, Thorin doesn't give a damn about him and he would feel no gratitude toward anyone even if help came for free. He probably thinks the ground he walks on is holy and we exist for the sole purpose of serving him.'
'Pot calling kettle black, Turkafinwë? father would say to me if he were here and damnit, I wish he were. Because I am an even bigger fool than he is. I've made an even bigger mistake and how Curufin would laugh if he saw me now… Sulking and grinding my teeth to powder because my little pet bit me. He told me time and time again to be careful and not get too caught up in this game of tame the little Dwarf. He knew that no matter how many times I would feed the little lion, it would still bite my hand and he was right. You always get too damned attached to your pets, next thing you know, you start treating them like real people and then you're heart-broken when they prove themselves to be nothing more than heartless little beasts, he said and I never listen, even though Curufin knows best.'
'But no matter, at least I know what to do from now on. At least now I know better than to lower my guard so much. And if anything good came out of this incident, it's the guilt that I no longer feel. These friendships are such an unwanted complication and Curufin was right yet again. Why go through the woe and hand-wringing and gnawing guilt that keeps you up at night? You're not here to make friends and least of all not among a bunch of resentful little creatures that would not know your worth if it hit them in their enormous noses. He was so right and I cannot wait to tell him… if only he were alright and I knew that they are riding toward us full speed. Curse the Dwarves and curse the wizards and curse everything that crosses my path this day! '
"I have to kill something," Celegorm told the growing day around him. "And then I will go back to camp with a huge smile on my face, like nothing ever happened. I've given them the satisfaction of seeing me so affected for too long."
He sprang to his feet and fingered his knife. It was the only weapon he had on him and it would make the hunt much more difficult, but that would be no problem. On the contrary, it was precisely what he needed there and then, some hands-on bloodshed. With a feral grin, Celegorm sniffed the cool morning air and started off in search of prey.
…
He returned to the others before nightfall, carrying a young buck on his shoulders and sporting what anyone in their right mind would recognize as a manic grin. A whole day on the hunt, shutting himself down to everything else but instinct and making such a splendid kill had cooled Celegorm significantly. As he strode toward the camp his companions were just beginning to set, he felt ready to face anything with a smile on his face.
Well, almost anything… if only he did not feel the sudden urge to choke several of the Dwarves with their own braids as they greeted him with careless smiles and even dared joke about the end of his hissy fit.
'You have not seen me in a hissy fit,' Celegorm nodded and laughed at Nori's perpetually cheeky smile. 'But if you do, I guarantee it'll be the last thing you see.'
'Oh, father's pet. Eh, I mean friend,' he tilted his head and gave Thorin a less rabid smile. 'You see too much, Dwarf. How about I put those lovely blue eyes of yours out? I just might, if you don't quit studying me so carefully.'
'Little mouse!' Celegorm could not help baring his teeth at the sight of Kili and even that irredeemable idiot had the sense to feel danger and scurry out of the way.
'Careful now, you're overdoing it,' Celegorm cautioned himself as he set down his catch close to the pit that Bofur and his brothers were digging for the fire. 'You're alright,' he gave Bofur something that hopefully passed for a genuine smile. That one, at least, had never been gratuitously mean and neither had his brothers. Celegorm thought that Bombur felt grateful for no longer taking the brunt of his companions' cheap humor and Bifur… Bifur had to stay alive long enough for Curufin to have his fun when finally revealing to the Dwarf that he spoke Old Dwarvish fluently.
"You alright, lad?" Bofur said around the stem of his pipe.
"Sure, is there some reason why I shouldn't be?" Celegorm replied with a broad grin.
"Er… well, you've been gone for quite a while. And I know that this rabble can test anyone's patience to the limit sometimes, but nobody means you ill."
'Right… right. The exact same way I wish you all the best luck in the world,' Celegorm shrugged one shoulder.
"It's alright. I did take some offense, there's no denying that, but I should have known better. Once I was off, I thought I could take the opportunity to look around and see what is ahead of us. And catch some game, why not? Now, if only my brothers would stop pretending they have something else to do and get here to prepare the game. I won't be doing any of that this time. I need some rest, I've been on my feet since, I don't know… yesterday morning?"
"We'll see to it," Bofur ushered Celegorm away from the dead animal.
The only thing that prevented Celegorm from shoving the Dwarf off was Bofur's wide eyed expression when he saw that the buck's throat had been cut and the Dwarf marveled at the skill that must have accomplished such a feat. Celegorm accepted the praise graciously and then sought Thorin out to relay one last observation before the Elf planned to find a comfortable spot and sleep until morning.
"I saw something strange this afternoon as I made my way back," he said to the Dwarf, acutely aware that Thorin still eyed him intently and had hovered nearby while Celegorm surrendered his catch. "On the southern horizon, there was something like a cloud hovering very close to the ground. I don't know what to make of it, the best explanation I can think of is a dust storm over Dagorlad. But if the winds pick up and bring it all the way here, it might be unpleasant. I thought it grew closer before sunset but now there is not enough light to tell."
"We will keep an eye out in the morning," Thorin nodded. "I meant to ask you if you are…," the Dwarf hesitated.
'Concentrate, Turkafinwë! Concentrate and tell the Dwarf exactly what he wants to hear.'
"Alright? Yes, I am. Quite well. A little solitude will do wonders sometimes. I ought to apologize for throwing such a temper tantrum over nothing."
"Not over nothing. I would take terrible offense if someone did that to me and retribution would be… swift," Thorin said with a small smile.
"Oh, if it is retribution you are worried about, then please put it out of your mind. I mean to do no such thing. Admittedly, I am a little upset with your nephew, but we will work it out between us. Besides, it's silly to waste time and energy over such childish spats. We've greater things to worry about."
"That is true. But I will apologize on behalf of my nephews and the rest of these unruly Dwarves. I trust they know better now."
"No, no… It would be a shame if anyone had to keep his humor in check because of silly Elvish sensibilities," Celegorm chuckled, gleefully picturing the dressing down Thorin Oakenshield must have given his company while he'd been away.
"Some sensibilities are not silly, even if they are Elvish," Thorin smiled.
Celegorm acknowledged that with a smile so false he was surprised it did not ooze off his face right away. He excused himself and brought up the need to rest, hoping that everyone took it as a sign to stay away and not disturb him. He hadn't exactly been right to think that he was ready cohabitate with the Dwarves again and not react violently. Maybe sleep would restore some of his mental faculties, the Elf thought with an inward grin.
As he went in search of his horse, meaning to retrieve some of his belongings, Celegorm's eyes fell on his little lion and he cringed against the instinctive need to comfort Fili when he saw the young Dwarf giving him a deeply dejected look.
'Gods damn you, focus! You can't just walk up to that little cub and whisk him up in your arms like nothing happened. What do you do when your pets have been errant? What will teach them more than harsh corrections? That's right… a little bit of indifference.'
Celegorm's eyes skipped over Fili and not a single muscle on his face twitched when Fili called out to him. Nor did he acknowledge the Dwarf when Fili ran after him. Very, very calmly and smirking on the inside, Celegorm picked up his bedroll and searched for a suitable spot a little distance away from the bustle of camp. With Fili on his heels, following him quietly like a beaten puppy.
Celegorm set down his bedroll and stretched his tired limbs, feeling the weight he'd had to carry on his shoulders for many miles. He cracked his fingers, then popped a stiff joint in his neck and laid himself down on his side, facing away from the anxious looking Dwarf.
He was beginning to doze off when Fili started singing softly and even with his limited knowledge of Khuzdul, Celegorm could tell it was a lullaby. He bit his lip against a fit of hysterical laughter and forced himself to ignore the chanting, but to no avail.
"What are you doing?" he growled at last, still facing away from the Dwarf.
"Singing and hoping it will help you sleep? You said I have a soothing voice."
"Shut up and go away. That will do wonders for my sleeping," Celegorm groaned.
Fili did not sing anymore and Celegorm could picture his sad face vividly. But some minutes later, as the dusk grew deeper and crickets began to sing, Fili was still there, sitting on the grass and sighing from time to time.
"What are you still doing here?" Celegorm muttered.
"I need to speak with you."
"Well, I don't. I'm tired. Go away, I need to rest."
"Please?" Fili inquired softly and Celegorm felt him tentatively touching his shoulder. He willed himself not to flinch or whirl around and start shouting Fili's head off.
"Why?"
"I want to tell you how sorry I am about what happened and how worried I was about you while you were gone and we didn't know what was going on with you," Fili said in one breath.
Celegorm made a non-committal sound and shifted, trying to make himself more comfortable. He could not fight against the warmth that bloomed in the pit of his stomach when Fili took off his cloak and covered him with it.
"Now what?" the Elf groaned.
"You don't have a cloak anymore, because of me. I know mine is too small, but maybe it'll help a bit."
"Fili, please leave."
"No."
Celegorm snorted and rolled his eyes. What a ridiculous scene and what fun for whoever was within ear-shot!
"No?!"
"Not until you hear me out and you forgive me."
"Good luck with that."
"Please? Listen to me, at least. And please believe me when I tell you that I really didn't mean to insult you. It was a poor joke and it's the last time I ever listen to my brother when he wants to mock someone. I promise. All I wanted was to distract you. I know you're very unhappy and I understand it so much better now, after I talked to your brothers."
"You what?! What did they tell you?"
"Ambarussa told me the truth about the danger your father and your brothers are in," Fili leaned closer and lowered his voice. "I know it's Sauron they've gone to fight and I understand why you're all so worried. I'd be insane with it if I were in your shoes."
"Stupid little brothers be damned! Everyone's gotta have at least one!" Celegorm growled, whirling around and startling Fili. "They had no business telling you that!"
"But I had to know. I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you to stay with us when they are out there and…"
"Be quiet!" Celegorm hissed.
"I won't tell anyone. I already promised and you wouldn't even have to ask me. I will not tell Thorin because I know what he would do. If I were him, I would turn us back around and run south until my legs gave out beneath me. I would not let you face that danger alone," Fili said and although he averted his eyes, Celegorm could tell he spoke the truth. And such words were not easy to say for the proud young Dwarf.
The Elf sighed, feeling large chips of his anger melting away.
"You would do that?" he inquired softly.
"Have you not done the same for me and more? But no, it's not about repaying any debts, I would follow you into any peril because you are my friend. Truly and no pretense. Please believe that."
"Hmm…," Celegorm shook his head pensively.
"You have to believe me. And forgive my stupidity," the young Dwarf pleaded and try as he might, Celegorm could find that nothing else but endearing.
"I don't know. I may forgive. But I believe my little brothers have pointed out that I am very slow to forgive. And I never forget," he said, giving Fili a hard look.
"Yes, I know that, too. And I will do my best to earn that forgiveness," Fili promised, his eyes bright in the waning light. "Because you never forget, Tyelkormo, I want your memories of me to be good ones, not… like this. A long time from now on, when I'll live only in your memories, I want you to think fondly of me."
Celegorm felt something snap inside him with such a painful twang that he had to squeeze his eyes shut. He drew a shuddering breath and sat up amid the rubble of his hastily-erected defenses.
'To Mandos with it all! I am gone! I am done for!' he cried to himself, grabbing Fili and hugging him so tight that Fili squeaked in surprise. 'Oh damn you, how can a little thing like you have such a big heart and such a way with words?! How can you do this to me?' Celegorm asked within the confines of his head, while he clutched the young Dwarf to him and petted his unruly mane. But the hair in question brought back what had landed them in such a predicament to begin with and Celegorm chuckled, unwilling to let Fili go. Not that the Dwarf protested in any way. On the contrary, he held on and laughed softly, relief coursing through him in a way that Celegorm could actually feel. The Elf had an inkling that their eyes were not entirely dry and held on a moment longer, trying to get himself together.
When Fili sat back, he wiped his face with both hands and sighed deeply, making Celegorm want to hug him indefinitely. But he had to catch himself and behave and remember that Fili was neither a child nor a furry little animal, no matter what Curufin claimed. The Dwarf was his friend and maybe all the murderous thoughts he'd entertained had been a huge overreaction. Maybe all he needed to do was accept the shitty humor of the Dwarves for what it was and perhaps, serve them a bit of their own medicine. Gods knew, he was probably the most skilled Elf in Arda at coming up with withering remarks.
But there Fili was, smiling bashfully and giving him such a hopeful look...
"Peace?" he asked.
"Peace," Celegorm sighed happily. "And quiet too, I really need to rest. But… I think I can do so much easier now."
"I hope so," Fili smiled warmly. He leaned over Celegorm and rearranged the cloak over him as the Elf settled back down on the bedroll.
"You… mean to stay here while I sleep?" Celegorm blinked up at him.
"If you don't mind… I will go and fetch something for you to eat when the others are done cooking the game you brought. You must be starving, I don't think you've eaten anything all this time. Should I wake you when the food is done?"
Celegorm closed his eyes and nodded. He'd been so angry and insane that hunger had come and passed and returned only to disappear unnoticed. But he needed to sleep more and lay on his side, head resting on his folded arm. He yawned and settled in the most comfortable position, smiling when he felt Fili's fingers stroking his hair gently.
"You took out the braids…"
"Of course I did… Don't remind of them me after we've just made peace on that matter," Celegorm muttered.
"I'll make it up to you, I promise."
"Start by singing again, maybe? You really do have a soothing voice."
Fili began murmuring the lullaby again and continued to pet Celegorm's hair gently. The combination had the Elf drowsing in a matter of moments and his last thought before falling asleep was wondering exactly who was taming who between the two of them.