AN: Hello, friends, and welcome to another installment of 'Killing Me Slowly.' If you're into the whole 'ball gowns and chandeliers' aesthetic like I am, this next chapter might be right up your ally. Warning: there will be a bit of a time jump, but please bear with me.
Disclaimer: I don't own Tangled. Although, come to think of it, Tangled basically owns me. And now, let the drama ensue.
Chapter 4: Wake Me Up When November Ends
THREE MONTHS LATER
"Remind me of why we have to go to this thing again?"
Eugene shrugs into the deep blue jacket he'd worn for Rapunzel's coronation, probably the nicest, most expensive article of clothing he'll ever own, and considers how that day feels like it belongs to another lifetime. Or maybe a figment of his imagination, when his life was relatively normal and happy.
"I'm only going for Rapunzel, because she asked me to be there. And you're coming with me, because they gave me a plus one, and I'm not about to deal with Prince Charles," Eugene sneers the name. "Alone."
Lance had all but gagged when Eugene had told him earlier that day that they would be attending a ball – a ball thrown by the king and queen to honor their daughter and Prince Charles' impending marriage, to be exact. In the last nearly three months, Eugene's relationship with the prince had gone off the tracks long before it truly had the chance to get on them. Their egos inflated, fighting over the same girl, the two men may as well have been oil and water.
"I understand that. What I don't understand is why I have to wear this stupid outfit." Lance tugs distastefully at his collar, which is already suffocating him, and it's only been ten minutes. He's dressed similarly to Eugene, in his best boots, nicest pair of pants, and a matching maroon overcoat.
Eugene stops fixing his hair in the mirror long enough to give his friend a look that says, 'Quit complaining, because the love of your life isn't getting married in a week.'
"Look, there's probably going to be some fancy alcohol at this thing, and a lot of young, royal girls who are itching to enter their stage of rebellion. Maybe you could find yourself a girl /not/ from the bar tonight?"
"Hey! What's wrong with the girls I find at the bar? You found the princess in a sketchy ass tower, remember? With an evil witch who tried to kill you and pretended to be her mother for her /magical hair/ that healed you back to life?"
"Why do you always have to bring that up?"
"C'mon, buddy." Lance pulls at Eugene's jacket, turning him away from the mirror so they can face one another. He places each hand on both of Eugene's shoulders, shaking him slightly. "Think of Flynn Rider! He never would've stayed in one place for so long, for some girl, just to watch her be married off to someone else. You should've known this kind of thing was bound to happen, sooner or later. I mean, she's a princess. Flynn wouldn't stand around, all pathetic and butt hurt. He'd go in search of a new adventure!"
If Eugene was being honest, he wasn't feeling very adventurous as of late; to be more precise, he wasn't feeling much of anything at all.
"I'm not that person anymore, Lance." Eugene gives his friend a hard look with arms crossed over his chest, slightly offended. "And Rapunzel isn't just /some/ girl. She's /the/ girl, the best I'm ever going to get. You've been here long enough to know that."
"Okay, /Eugene/. But you can't lie to me. I know your old persona's been calling your name. I know you've been itching to steal something, at least once. I mean, it's been a year. And probably even longer since you've gotten /laid/. And even longer than that since we've done a job together, just the two of us. You may have been out of commission for a while, but there's still plenty to steal, and still plenty of other fish in the sea."
"Okay, /Arnwaldo/. And what do you suggest we do? Resort back to our lives of crime? Because I think we've got it pretty good here." Eugene pauses, grimacing slightly. "Aside from the whole arranged marriage dilemma."
"That's actually exactly what I was going to suggest we do. I mean, think about it! Two bachelors, on the run, enough money to get that private island you always wanted!"
The island he'd /wanted/, emphasis on the past tense. There were many other things Eugene cared about more now, bigger things, like finding a way to get his princess back, or maybe just trying not to get thrown out of the palace by the council. Eugene couldn't lie, at least not to himself. Part of him wanted to do something insane: get blackout drunk, steal something really important (two things he hadn't done in many months), or grab Rapunzel, leave the palace and never, ever come back.
But he knew he couldn't do that, nor would Eugene ever be so evil as to take the once-lost princess from her parents for a second time, or from her kingdom that had fallen head-over-heels in love with her. He was selfish with her, but not that selfish.
Which meant Eugene was left with two incredibly unappealing choices: leave the kingdom with Lance, returning to his thieving ways, or stay here in the palace with Rapunzel to endure this shitstorm for who knows how long. Although the first option sounded admittedly a little enticing, Eugene knew the second option was the right thing to do, at least until he figured out his next move. Besides, he didn't have the emotional strength to call it quits on his relationship with Rapunzel quite yet, despite the looming presence of Prince Charles.
Eugene still loved Rapunzel, after all, with a love that was deep and desperate, and if he was going to go down, he was going to go down swinging. She was the truest thing he'd ever known, the closest Eugene would ever get to a soulmate – if soulmates were more than folklore and really had some truth to them, Eugene wasn't sure. Regardless, he wasn't ready to let that go, because Eugene knew he'd never find anything that would even closely replicate loving her.
Which meant staying in the palace to help her through this horrible time, even if it would only hurt Eugene to stay.
It had already been almost three months since the Prince of Maddoline had arrived and begun living in the palace, wreaking absolute havoc where Eugene was concerned. The council, completely unwilling to budge, in spite of the princess's lengthy pleas, wanted Rapunzel to have a chance to 'get to know' her fiancé before they all but shoved her down the aisle. Preparations were already far underway, and Eugene had heard in passing just that morning, as two of the maids gossiped while he was on guard duty, that Rapunzel had a final dress fitting the other day. Apparently, the dress was breathtaking. And when Eugene pictured Rapunzel in a white dress that /he/ wouldn't be the one to take off of her, his stomach lurched, and he started to feel a little queasy.
Actually, a lot queasy.
"I can't do that, Lance. I can't up and leave, I changed my /life/ for this girl. I'm not that person who just leaves anymore. Maybe that's the person you used to know me as, but… I have to stay. For her. At least for now."
"Man, I don't know why you're torturing yourself like this. I mean, I /really/ don't get it. It seems like a lot more hurt than its worth, if you ask me. Once the princess is married, they're not going to let you see her at all anymore."
Not like they /had/ been letting him see her lately.
It were as though everyone was doing whatever they could to keep Eugene far away from Rapunzel in the recent weeks. What with the wedding preparations and the iron fist of the council, Eugene had spoken to Rapunzel maybe a dozen times in the last twelve weeks, and mostly just in passing. She visited him in the guard's quarters in the evenings when she could, but only for a few minutes at a time before Cassandra would swoop in. She would remind the princess of how much trouble she would be in if she were to be caught alone with Eugene, in his bedroom, as an engaged woman. So, they would say goodbye with a brief kiss on the lips, and then he wouldn't be able to see her for another week or so.
Eugene could feel his princess drifting away, running through his fingers like water. He knew it wasn't her fault, any of it, but being away from her for such long periods of time was driving him insane. He'd gotten so used to being with her every day for an entire year, and Eugene felt like he was operating on low functionality without her. He was only going through the mandatory motions now: work, sleep, sometimes eat, and repeat. There was nothing to be excited about in his life anymore. Rapunzel wasn't there to eagerly show Eugene the latest painting she'd done of Maximus and Pascal, to comment on how good the warm sun felt on her face, or to remind him that life was /so/ much better without shoes. The thought of never hearing her say such things to him again was incredibly depressing.
The council was slowly but surely dragging Rapunzel from him, and the thought of her completely disappearing from his life, after all they'd been through together, was enough to make Eugene want to jump from the nearest balcony, as morbid as it was. Eugene often wondered what he really had to live for if he didn't have her. He'd completely turned his life around for her, after all, and Eugene wasn't sure if he even knew who he was anymore when Rapunzel wasn't around. He was alive right now /because/ of her. He felt pathetic for it, that he'd let a girl basically determine his identity after years of being Flynn Rider, who hadn't been defined by anyone but himself, but it was reality. Sure, Eugene had Lance, and he had his job as a guard. That gave him some purpose, but not much. Eugene was pretty sure that would run out soon enough too, if the council had anything to do with it.
It was as if everything they put their hands on, died.
"No one's holding you here with a gun to your head, Lance. You're more than welcome to return to your old life, hopping from prison to prison, if that's what you really want. But I'm staying." Frustrated with his friend's honest words, Eugene turns back to the mirror, straightening his collar.
Lance was right, in a sense, at least about what Flynn Rider would have done in such a sticky situation as this one. If Rapunzel were any other woman he'd known in the past, Eugene surely would've been on the first ferry out of Corona, disappearing into the foggy night, selfishly unwilling to work things out. That's what he did – he left people high and dry, just like he'd abandoned the Staggington's to have the crown all to himself.
Then again, that decision wasn't the best example, because it had led Eugene to Rapunzel.
Regardless, his past self would have been unwilling to fight for anything that didn't directly benefit his cause – that was what /Flynn Rider/ would have done. If Rapunzel were anyone else, he wouldn't have considered her feelings at all – after all, he'd left Staylan at the altar, though that was ages ago, and a completely different situation. Eugene cringed every time he thought about it, only because he'd almost married someone who wasn't Rapunzel, and that thought made him sick to his stomach.
It was a testament in itself to how much Eugene had changed, that he was willing to stay in the midst of Rapunzel's wedding to another man, if only not to stress her out more during such a difficult time. Because he loves her, and the thought of her being upset matters more now than how upset he feels.
"I think you're making a big mistake, buddy, and I wish I could convince you otherwise. But whatever you decide, I'm sticking by you. Only to make sure you don't kill yourself or something. Or worse, that you don't murder the prince."
Eugene thinks for a long moment, considering that Prince Charles 'mysteriously' disappearing doesn't sound so bad. He turns back to Lance, appreciative that his friend is at least trying to make him laugh.
"Lance, have you ever been in love? Like, really in love?"
"Absolutely not. I've seen some beautiful women in my day, don't get me wrong. But I've never taken the full plunge, felt the big 'L' word, and I'm not sure that I ever will. That stuff's for suckers."
"Then it makes sense that you don't understand why I'm staying. And you're right, I am a sucker. A really, really big sucker."
No more than an hour later, Eugene is standing with Lance in a crowd of people in the palace's massive ballroom, used for celebratory events such as this one. Just like everyone else in the room, Eugene is eager for the princess's big entrance. The music starts up and she appears at the top of the long staircase which leads into the ballroom from the upper level of the palace, and Eugene feels his breath catching in his throat.
Rapunzel adorns a brilliant emerald dress, satin to the floor and gracefully flowing behind her as King Frederic escorts her down the marble staircase. He smiles down at his beloved daughter, patting her arm lovingly as they walk. Eugene swears King Frederic's smile looks sadder than it does happy, but what does he know? He supposes, Rapunzel's relationship had been incredibly stained with her parents in the weeks leading up to this moment, for the role they'd played in her unexpected marriage. Regardless, they were still a family that loved one another very much, and Eugene understood that Rapunzel couldn't stay angry with her parents forever.
Every head in the ballroom has turned, memorized in a moment by their princess — every set of eyes in the room is upon her, including Prince Charles', much to Eugene's dismay. Rapunzel catches Eugene's eye in the crowd with a little smile, and for a split second, he feels completely at peace, forgetting that anything aside from her, and the way that she looks so beautiful right now, could possibly matter.
Eugene's smile fades when King Frederic reaches the end of the staircase, where Charles is patiently waiting for them. The king passes his daughter off to the younger man with a short kiss to her cheek. Eugene knows that Rapunzel will have to spend most of the night with the wretched prince as they reinstate themselves as an engaged, soon-to-be-married couple into Coronan royal society.
But that's okay, because Eugene is happy just to look at her for a whole night.
After an hour or two of enjoying an array of good food and some kind of fancy red wine that he can't remember the name of, Eugene splits away from Lance, promising his friend that he'll find him again later. Knowing Lance, he won't have a problem mingling with the many young women attending the ball, so Eugene doesn't feel so guilty about abandoning him for a while. Eugene hopes to find Rapunzel, if only to hear her sweet voice for a few moments.
He does locate her, rather quickly considering the overly-crowded ballroom, talking politely with a few expensively dressed girls who look to be around her same age. Eugene walks up to the conversation confidently, smiling down at her with a simple bow, only because she just looks so darn pretty. The girls surrounding her don't hold a candle to Rapunzel, at least, not from his biased point of view.
"Hi, Blondie."
"Hello, Eugene." The princess smiles back, and the girls huddled around her sigh, batting their eyelashes at him, though he barely even notices their presence.
It's just her, and only her, and no one could ever compare.
"I'm sorry to interrupt, but do you think I could steal you away for a dance?"
He extends a hand to her, trying his best to be smooth, not wanting to disappoint Flynn Rider in this moment.
"Of course you can steal me away, Eugene." Rapunzel replies, a slight blush of pink growing on her cheeks. He loves making her blush.
"Excuse me." She nods politely to the group of girls, who are already whispering and giggling amongst themselves, looking Eugene up and down.
She places her small hand in his, and Eugene leads Rapunzel to the dance floor, wrapping her in his arms, reveling in the feeling. It had been so long since he'd touched her last – since he'd kissed her, since he'd smelled the lavender scented soap she always used, since he'd lovingly held her face in his hands.
"You look… absolutely beautiful, Blondie." He whispers in her ear, which only causes her blush to deepen.
"You look handsome, yourself, Eugene. I recognize your outfit."
"Yeah? You like it?"
"I do." She giggles a little, remembering how she'd accidentally knocked a glass of wine onto the same pants Eugene is wearing tonight, on the night of her big coronation dinner all those months ago. "It looks like you got the stain out."
"Yeah, I did, thankfully. You never know when you'll need an outfit to wear to your girlfriend's marriage celebration."
He'd meant it as a joke, trying to keep things light-hearted for her, but Rapunzel sighs deeply, her face growing serious. Eugene twirls her under his arm, and she spins away from him for a moment, before he pulls her back into his tight embrace.
"You know this isn't how I wanted things to be, Eugene." She speaks so quietly, he can barely make out her words above the sound of the music and the loud laughs of the many guests around them, most of whom are at least five or six alcoholic beverages deep. "I've missed you lately, so much."
"I know, I know." Eugene swallows, willing himself not to get emotional, not in front of all these people. "But let's not talk about that right now. Let's just enjoy one interrupted moment together."
"Okay." She whispers, tucking her head under his chin, as they sway together to the sound of the live music.
The moment lasts about ten seconds.
"Excuse me, Princess. May I cut in?"
"No, you may not."
The uptight Prince Charles glowers at Eugene, and the two men look one another up and down with dull eyes and deep frowns. He really couldn't have given them one dance?
"I was asking the princess."
Rapunzel looks around the room, her grip tightening slightly on Eugene's shoulders, and he can tell that she's nervous. Everyone is watching, everyone's eyes trained curiously upon the trio. Every guest in the ballroom, her parents, even Mr. Sinclair – everyone is curious of who Rapunzel will choose to dance with — her soon-to-be husband, or Corona's most notorious ex-thief.
Everyone had heard the story. The story of how the infamous Flynn Rider had saved the lost princess from a tower, fallen in love with her, and had been allowed to stay in the palace despite his extensive list of crimes. There had also been whispers, whispers all over the kingdom, about the prince that had arrived from Maddoline – the prince who had wreaked havoc on the princess's love story. Most of the whispers stated that Prince Charles was very good-looking, smart, and best of all, incredibly rich. Which would only benefit Coronan society once the marriage was finalized.
Many of the village people wondered why their princess had put up such a fight against the idea of marrying Prince Charles. It would help the current financial situation of her kingdom, after all. Besides, doesn't everyone /want/ a prince?
Then again, most of the girls who saw Eugene around the kingdom understood Rapunzel's apprehension to marry Prince Charles completely. After all, Eugene was heartbreakingly handsome, in a more rugged, bad-boy-turned-good-guy kind of way.
Everyone /also/ wants a man who's willing to change for them, and that was exactly what Flynn Rider, or more accurately, Eugene Fitzherbert had done for the princess.
"I suppose one dance couldn't hurt." Rapunzel says finally, sheepishly, looking to Eugene, trying her best to ignore the look of disappointment in his eyes. All she'd done lately was disappoint him, it seemed.
"I'll find you." Rapunzel whispers in his ear quietly before allowing Charles to wrap an arm around her waist, spinning her away from Eugene to the time of the music. He's left standing there alone on the dancefloor, feeling like something sacred was just taken from him.
Maybe this is how all those people felt when Eugene had stolen something from them, something of value to their lives. Ironic.
Leaving the ballroom, desperate for some fresh air, Eugene steps out into the main hallway, where some guests are milling about. Everyone is talking, laughing, and sipping on expensive champagne, as if life is something to be celebrated right now.
Idiots. Delusional idiots.
Eugene leans against the wall for a few minutes, people watching, listening in on a conversation about the expensive dresses worn that night by Corona high society, custom-made by some of the most famous dressmakers from all around the world. That conversation is incredibly boring, so Eugene scoots over to a group of dapperly-dressed men in their mid-twenties, who are probably the sons of council members or something. Great, a new generation of people who can ruin his life. In his eavesdropping, Eugene hears one of the men make a comment about how good the princess looks tonight.
Finally, a conversation Eugene can get behind.
"Fitzherbert!"
Eugene, distracted by the nearby conversations, only rolls his eyes when he finally notices the pompously dressed prince that's stalking toward him.
"I will say, I was really surprised to see /you/ here tonight."
Prince Charles stands before Eugene, a smug look on his face.
"I was invited. By Rapunzel." Eugene does his best to appear as bored as he possibly can, not in the mood for the prince's tantalizing.
"Ah, well. I suppose, if I've noticed anything about our princess in the last few months, it's that she does have a hard time letting go of things. She's always looking for some sort of charity case, isn't she? Sweet girl, though."
Eugene pushes himself off the wall, stepping closer to the arrogant prince. He wills himself not to ball his hands into fists at Charles' comments, but it's not working so well.
"You know, she didn't really want to dance with you. It was a pity dance."
"Or maybe she's starting to warm up to me, despite how much you'd hate for that to happen. In case you've forgotten, this is a ball celebrating /my/ marriage to her, Fitzherbert. My marriage that's only a week away?"
"You know what..." Eugene almost chuckles, shaking his head. "You're not even worth it."
He turns to leave, but Prince Charles' voices continues to rupture his ears, and Eugene is sure he's going to have a fully developed migraine by the time the night is over.
"Oh, but I am. And Rapunzel will come to her senses about that. With time." Charles concludes with a nonchalant shrug.
It's annoying to Eugene how sure of himself he is. It makes the prince look completely delusional.
"Maybe she'll marry you, because she's literally being /forced/ to. But she'll never love you." The former thief scoffs and turns again to leave, knowing the best thing to do with his consistently rising blood pressure is simply walk away.
Flynn Rider wouldn't have, but Eugene Fitzherbert would, and that's who he would be right now, for her sake. He'd walk away, because Charles isn't worth it. He's not worth even a hair on Rapunzel's perfect head.
"She will. Mark my words, she'll realize what you really are, Fitzherbert: no good. And then she'll realize what I can be for her. She's just a little... naïve right now. I mean, what can you really expect? Given her circumstance, the poor thing. You were the first man she's ever met. Of course she's going to /think/ she loves you."
Eugene whips around, angry.
"How dare you question Rapunzel's intelligence?"
Raising his hands in mock defense, Charles shakes his head.
"Oh, I'm not insulting the princess. Not at all. She's actually quite smart, considering."
Considering what, that she'd been locked away in a tower for eighteen years? Eugene thinks to himself. That doesn't automatically make her incompetent and an inadequate judge of character.
Charles continues standing on his soapbox, no matter how much Eugene wills him to get down. It had been a long three months, and he'd about had it with the arrogant prince, always making comments about Rapunzel's hair being too short, about the palace not being as big as his own home back in Maddoline, and how it would be best if Rapunzel simply returned to the ally kingdom with him. /That/ would happen over Eugene's (and probably, King Frederic's) dead body. It had been agreed upon by the council and Maddoline's own legal team, that Charles would integrate into Corona society, though he didn't seem convinced that was the best option.
"None of this is /her/ fault. She's simply been brainwashed her whole life. But I'll fix that for her."
"She's not /brainwashed/, not anymore. If anything, she's just trying to send the message that /she doesn't like you/."
For a third, and what he hopes to be the final time, Eugene turns around quickly to leave. But not quite quick enough.
"Well, she must be. Because no one could actually be stupid enough to want a washed-up thief, good for nothing, freeloading orphan like you."
Okay, so Charles knew about the whole orphan thing. Low blow.
He had also insinuated that Rapunzel was stupid, and that wasn't about to fly. Eugene feels a slight smile creep onto his face, because he knows this guy can't be serious. Doesn't he know who he's dealing with?
In a moment, Eugene has suddenly turned and swings. He feels his knuckles split with a hard /CRACK/, connecting with the younger man's nose. Charles stumbles back, surprised, holding his nose in shock as blood begins to pour down the front of his shirt.
But what Eugene didn't expect was for the prince to lunge back.
Always on guard, Eugene sidesteps him easily, but Charles is faster than he would've guessed, and he clips Eugene on the side of the head with a poorly aimed fist. Eugene tackles him to the ground, and the two men roll on the marbled floor for a long minute, both fighting to get the upper hand.
Eugene gets in another masterly aimed punch to the prince's jaw, before he hears the most awful sound he ever could have heard in that particular moment.
"Eugene Fitzherbert, what — what on earth are you doing!?"
Eugene feels a hand at his collar, yanking him roughly back and to his feet.
Rapunzel.
She's standing there all pretty in her satin gown. And all kinds of pissed off.
Uh oh. In hindsight, maybe Eugene shouldn't have thrown that punch.
"What are you /doing/?" She demands again, looking up at him with shock, confusion, and worst of all, disappointment.
She lets go of his collar, and Charles rises from the ground, a hand to his heart. Guests are already filtering into the hallway from the ballroom, interested in the commotion.
"Princess, he /attacked/ me —"
"Save it, Charles." Rapunzel doesn't bother to look her fiancé in the face as he cradles his gushing nose, but only stares at Eugene in anger.
Well, Eugene supposes, even if she is mad at him, he needs to appreciate the little victories where he can get them.
"Eugene." She repeats. He can tell she's trying to keep her cool the best she can in front of her guests. "What were you thinking?"
"I guess... I guess I wasn't." That's all Eugene can say, his voice dull. What's the point in making excuses? Sure, Charles was being an ass, pushing Eugene to the brink purposefully, but he chose to throw that first punch. He'd known full well what he was doing.
"This is a /ball/." Rapunzel lowers her voice. "With a lot of important people. Like the council? Who can make it very hard for you to continue living here?!"
"I'm sorry." And he is, truly. "I wasn't trying to embarrass you. But Charles —"
She interrupts him before Eugene has the chance to explain.
"You should be sorry. Because now there's blood all over the floor, and someone's going to have to clean it up."
"I'll clean it up."
"No, you won't." The princess sighs deeply, pinching the bridge of her nose for a long moment before looking Eugene in the face, studying him closely for any outstanding injuries. "Are you okay?"
Well, at least he knows she still cares about him, even if she does think he's incredibly stupid and completely irrational.
"I am now."
"Okay." Rapunzel says simply, throwing her hands up in defeat. "I'm going to bed."
Rapunzel strides away quickly, the full skirt of her dress /whooshing/ behind her, her bare feet padding loudly on the marble floor in the hallway, which has gone dead silent. He thinks about chasing after her, but doesn't want to cause an even greater commotion than he already has.
Eugene wipes an excess bead of sweat from his brow, a scowl etched across his handsome face as he watches her go. At least his nose isn't broken, like Charles' surely will be. Eugene notices that the prince has disappeared from the crowd, probably to nurse his ego in the nearest bathroom.
Eugene is relieved when the king and queen, and their still-stunned guests, are ushered back into the ballroom with hushed whispers. He knows he'll probably get a firm talking to from King Frederic tomorrow, what with the hard look the king shoots Eugene before reentering the ballroom. Right now, though, Eugene is too tired to care.
The music starts up again in the ballroom, but Eugene knows he isn't completely off the hook when he sees Cassandra stomping toward him.
Great. The last thing he needs right now is another battle.
"Good job, bird brain! You made a huge scene!"
"What was I supposed to do, Cassandra? He was being a total dick! I'm kind of trying to defend Rapunzel's honor, because apparently I'm the only one who will around here."
Cass's typically hard features soften, only for a moment. For the first time, Eugene sees the empathy she has for him in her eyes, the sadness she feels for their current situation.
"You know, Eugene, as much as I hate this marriage thing, and as much as I would love to be able to fix it for her, being in an eternal pissing match with Charles isn't going to get our Rapunzel back."
With that, Cassandra is jogging after her best friend, trying to catch up to the upset princess, who is already far down the hall, probably cursing Eugene's name under her breath as she goes.
Eugene is left there alone in the main hallway, sore, beaten down, and knowing he's an absolute idiot.