No cool and/or lame opening jokes today. I'm too busy geeking out over who Disney picked to direct Star Wars!
Disclaimer: The Force is not with me and neither are the rights to Ranma ½.
Ranma's POV
For whatever reason, Kasumi had made Dr. Tofu some dinner and asked me to take it to him. Then Akane insisted that she come too. When I asked her about it on the way over, she said she wanted to see the expression on Dr. Tofu's face.
"So you say, but are you sure it isn't because of…well…uh…" I stuttered
"Oh, you jealous Ranma?" Akane asked
"You must be kidding," I replied and we got to Dr. Tofu's clinic. When we gave him the bowl, his glasses didn't fog over, but it was we knew he was half way there when he went into the bathroom instead of the kitchen. His next stop was to the window.
"Look at him Akane, he's…hopeless," I whispered and she giggled. Dr. Tofu eventually made his way to the kitchen and we got comfortable. We sat around for a few minutes before suddenly a little old lady with a wood box burst through the sliding door! The box alone was almost as tall as I was!
"What was that noise?" Dr. Tofu asked and entered the room. He saw the shrine and said he already had one.
"You can't have forgotten me already?" The old lady asked and then popped opens the shrine, "Hiya son!" She's Dr. Tofu's mom?!
"But Mother, you could have at least called first!" Dr. Tofu exclaimed
"So I forgot. Come here and pay your respects to your Father," Mrs. Tofu ordered and we looked at the picture in the shrine. Dr. Tofu really took after his old man as far as looks go. We all paid our respects and then Dr. Tofu asked his mom why she was here. That's when we found out Mrs. Tofu was trying to get Dr. Tofu hitched. She had even brought match-making photos. The first picture had a tomboy even more buff than Akane was. When I said this to Akane, I got elbowed in the gut.
"That girl won the all Japan pelvic contest you know, and a member of the pelvic pride society, and soon she will have a singing career with the song 'The Big Hips Blues'!" Mrs. Tofu informed us and then went on about how big hips bore healthy children and so on.
"Mother, I have no intention of getting married any time soon," Dr. Tofu told his Mom and then she rushed to the shrine and cried to Mr. Tofu. Mrs. Tofu then tried to hang herself from the same place Betty was hanging from. Dr. Tofu then tried to stop her from killing herself.
"Please stop! Dr. Tofu is already in love with someone!" Akane shouted and all heads turned to her. That's when Kasumi decided to walk into the clinic. What was the point of having me go to Dr. Tofu's if she was gonna do it anyway? Dr. Tofu's glasses then fogged over and he started acting goofy, as usual.
Mrs. Tofu then asked Kasumi if she and Dr. Tofu were, 'special friends' and she said no. Mrs. Tofu didn't seem to like that answer.
Akane's POV
As soon as I got home, I went to Nabiki and told her what had happened. All she seemed to care about was Dr. Tofu's nest egg.
"You'd better not be thinking of extorting money out of him!" I exclaimed
"Extort? I'm wounded. Do I look like the type to extort?" Nabiki asked
"Do you really want me to answer that? Or better yet, I can call up Ryu for help in answering that and I'm sure you'll enjoy his choice of adjectives," I deadpanned
"And I'm equally sure Ryu will enjoy being dragged out of bed to insult me. It's almost midnight Akane," Nabiki countered
"Fine then, get out of my room so I get to sleep," I grumbled and she left
Nabiki's POV
I had a plan. It had been somewhat slow business lately and I needed something to do, if for no other reason than pure entertainment. And a crack at that nest egg of Dr. Tofu's wasn't a bad thing either. It was with these things in mind that I entered Dr. Tofu's clinic that afternoon.
"Hello? Anybody home?" I called and Dr. Tofu popped his head out, "Doctor, have I got a deal for you." I then got him to take me to a restaurant and offered to play the part of his girlfriend for 600 yen an hour. Of course, it was all in the name of setting his poor, dear Mother at ease.
"You're going to charge me?" Dr. Tofu asked
"Akane tells me your Mother is a tough nut to crack. The 600 yen is after tax," I told him and he agreed. I then felt a craving for some sweets and ordered them.
Ryu's POV
We were walking home when suddenly Scarlet told Ranma and me that she was going somewhere and to not follow her. So of course, we tried to follow her, but she stopped us pretty quickly.
"Now what're we gonna do?" Ranma wondered
"I don't know about you, but I'm heading up to the rooftops. She won't think to look for us up there," I said and we both headed up. We tailed Scarlet all the way to Dr. Tofu's clinic. I dug around in my backpack until finally I pulled out what I was looking for.
"What the heck is that thing?" Ranma asked
"My version of the extendable ear. Probably not as good as the original, but it works. Unfortunately, I only have this one," I told him as I placed it on the roof. I then heard as Scarlet claimed to be Dr. Tofu's lover and it sounded like someone was examining her hips.
"Hey Ranma, are there any crazy old bats who are obsessed with hips you know?" I asked him
"That's gotta be Dr. Tofu's Mom. She's been tryin' ta play matchmaker for Dr. Tofu," Ranma answered and then Scarlet left. Then Nabiki got thrown into the mix. If I knew her, she was getting Dr. Tofu to pay her to pretend to be his lover. I very much enjoyed hearing Nabiki scream when Mrs. Tofu tested Nabiki's hips.
With the information, we had been looking for gathered; I told Ranma good night and headed home to plot.
Akane's POV
I had been practicing in the dojo when Ranma walked in.
"So you volunteered to be Dr. Tofu's wife," Ranma said and walked up to me. I couldn't think of anything to say, "Congratulations!" Ranma exclaimed, "You can't cook, you're not much of a looker, the one thing you do have is brute strength! Plus, you've got the biggest pair of hips in all Japan!" Then he sauntered off singing the Big Hips Blues.
"Thanks for nothing you jerk!" I yelled at him, but restrained myself from beating his face in like I wanted to.
The next day I got an invitation from Mrs. Tofu to a party. Of course I had to go, but when I got there, Nabiki was too. It would seem Nabiki was also pretending to be in love with Dr. Tofu and now we were going to do some ritual Mrs. Tofu showed us. It was basically a little song and dance and then I would have to try and shove Nabiki off of a pedestal using our rear ends. This might not end well.
Ranma's POV
"Uh oh, Akane's going to win this for sure," I muttered while watching
"That's why you're going in too!" I heard Ryoga shouted and before I could do anything about it, I was doused in water. The stupid pig then somehow slipped me into a frilly, pink dress. But now that I was dressed, I decided I might as well try and fix this mess.
"Who are you?" Mrs. Tofu asked
"Oh, Mother Tofu, it is I, your future daughter-in-law! I've come to stand by my man!" I declared in a breathy voice. I then ran over to Dr. Tofu, "We were engaged long before these two tried to sink their claws into him! Isn't that right, darling?" All the time, I felt Pop's beady eyes glaring at me.
"You lunatic!" Akane shouted and moved to crush me with that pedestal. But I had more important things to worry about. Like Mrs. Tofu feeling up my hips. She seemed to like my hips the best. She said they were 'strong like a man's, but soft enough for a woman'. I don't know why, but I felt a bit of pride in that statement. That's when Kasumi showed up carrying a plate of fish. Dr. Tofu's glasses got all foggy and he told his mom he'd chose the girl he wanted. I was worried, as Dr. Tofu was likely to do just about anything while in that crazy state, but he ended up picking Betty. He then started dancing with her.
The next day Mrs. Tofu said good bye. She even got Kasumi to walk with her and Dr. Tofu to the train station.
"Hey Ranma, why did you volunteer to be one of Dr. Tofu's fiancés?" Akane asked
"I…uh…well…you know what? I have absolutely no idea. It must've seemed like a good idea at the time, but I just don't remember," I admitted
"Are you sure about that Ranma?" Ryu popped up from nowhere asking
"Ah! Where'd you come from? Or better yet, where were you last night?" I asked
"Collecting smiles," He answered cryptically
"Not again Ryu! Just make sure Nabiki doesn't get her hands on it," Akane told him
"I learned my lesson from the last time. It's well hidden," Ryu assured her
"What's well hidden?" I asked
"I videotaped all of last night," Ryu told me
"You what?!" I shouted
"Keep it down! Anyway, it's not for blackmail. It's for my own personal amusement," Ryu assured me, "And if Nabiki tries anything I'll remind her of what a fine squawk she has," Ryu snickered
"Just leave me out of it," Akane sighed and then headed back into the house. I followed as I needed to get that stupid dress off.
As with in the manga, I'll do the P-Chan kidnapping before Shampoo arrives, not the other way around.