Greetings People of Earth; this intergalactic broadcast is not brought to you by aliens!

Disclaimer: Area 51 doesn't hold any alien corpses and I don't hold the rights to Ranma ½.

Akane's POV

I had decided to go down to the indoor skating rink with P-chan to get our minds off the heat wave Nerima was experiencing. While I was skating around, some of the girls signaled me over and talked to me about joining the skating club. That's when I remembered I had left P-chan on the ice. So I went searching for him, only to find that he had gone missing again. Sometimes I wonder if Ranma isn't right about P-chan having a sense of direction as bad as Ryoga' there was only one thing to do; track down Ranma and Ryu so they could help me find P-chan before he wandered too far.

Ranma's POV

I had been trying to eat when suddenly Akane burst into the restaurant, dragging Ryu by the ear. She then marched straight up to me and then broke down crying. I've said it before and I'll probably say it again, but I have no freaking clue about girls!

"Cut that out Akane!" I protested, but then she told me that Ryoga in P-chan form had gone missing. I guess that explains why Ryu is here. Doesn't explain why he's being dragged by the ear though.

"Scarlet, could you please let go of my ear. I'm sorry for making a bacon joke about P-chan already!" That answers that question. Akane then told us that witnesses had seen Ryoga get pig-napped. That's when a girl walked in with P-chan in her arms.

"That was easy," I remarked

"P-chan!" Akane exclaimed and went to retrieve Ryoga's pork butt.

"Who are you? Go away; this is Azusa's little Charlotte!" I've read enough manga to know that when someone refers to himself or herself in the third person, they're crazy, the bad guy, or both. But the fact that she named Ryoga 'Charlotte' gave her a pass in my book.

"No, this is my pet pig, P-chan!" Akane asserted and just when it looked like a fight would start, a young man picked Ryoga out of Azusa's grasp and gave him to Akane.

"You give her back, you…you…" Azusa spluttered and then began to beat on the guy while yelling at him to give her back her 'Charlotte'. She first hit him with her fists, then a frying pan, then a chair, all while trying to explain that the girl was a thief and was just about to hit him with a table when he snapped.

"WOULD YOU CUT IT OUT YOU IDIOT?!" The guy roared and then Azusa walked up to Akane.

"If you won't give Azusa back her Charlotte, then I challenge you!" Azusa shouted and Akane was ready to take her on, but then Azusa told her that it would be a figure skating challenge. Then one of the girls from class said that the guy and Azusa were the 'golden pair'; supposed masters of martial arts figure skating.

"I'm Azusa Shiratori," Azusa informed us

"And I'm Mikado Sanzenin," Mikado said

"Akane, you should try to out-skate these two, they're the best of the best," Another classmate warned

"So what if they are?!" Akane shouted and somehow I knew that this wouldn't end well for me. I'm starting to think the only reason Ryoga has for existing is to screw up my life. Then that Mikado character tried to 'apologize' for his partner by kissing Akane. So I flicked a pickle at him. I don't know why I did it, but I couldn't take it back.

"I've received your message of challenge," Mikado told me and then set the time and place of the match. With everything settled, I walked out of the restaurant.

"Well that was interesting. Why was I dragged along again?" Ryu wondered

"How was I supposed to know P-chan had been kidnapped by a kleptomaniac who happened to drop by the restaurant Ranma was eating at?" Akane asked

"Now don't go thinkin' I was jealous of you or anything," I said from on top of the fence, "I just couldn't allow a pervert like that to live."

"Why would I think you were jealous?" Akane asked

"Suave guys like that just give me the creeps, that's all," I remarked

"Then if you don't mind, I'd like to be the one to kill him!" Ryu volunteered and that caused both me and Akane to look at him funny. "What? I'm not allowed to want to disembowel him?" We chose not to answer him.

"Overprotective much?" I quipped

"Like you said, an obvious playboy like that can't be allowed to live!" Ryu protested, "Or we could settle for castrating him." He remarked as an afterthought

"Cast- what?" I questioned

"He means neutering him," Akane answered, "Not a bad idea on the whole." OK, I am officially surrounded by weird people…of course; I do change into a girl with cold water, so I can't really talk.

Eventually, we made our way home and Akane and I told everyone what had happened. Of course Nabiki was full of snarky comments about us getting along as a pair for the figure skating challenge. Then who should walk by but Ryoga in his human form.

"Let me skate with you!" He demanded, "Akane, let me be your partner!"

"Oh and how do you know about this whole figure skating business, Charlotte?" I asked Ryoga and he hit me in the head.

"Who are you calling Charlotte?!" Ryoga shouted and eventually we decided to skate for the right to be Akane's partner. So we all headed to the ice rink the next day.

Ryu's POV

I decided it would probably be best to hang around the rink for the duration of this figure skating business to make sure nobody got seriously hurt again. Unfortunately, for Ranma and Ryoga, who I didn't know was around, they both sucked at skating. So much so that they couldn't take a single step on the ice. I've seen kids that are four do better on their first try!

"Let's review, shall we? Ranma, who obviously can't skate, vs. Mikado, a legend. There's no way Ranma could possibly lose!" I exclaimed with fake brightness. Looks like P-chan is as good as Azusa's. But that didn't mean I couldn't get a good snicker or two at how epically Ranma and Ryoga managed to hurt themselves.

Eventually, Ranma got ticked off about some kindergartener offering to teach Ranma how to skate. So he took of his skates and dashed into the men's room, taking great care to step on Ryoga's prone form.

"Ranma, how dare you?!" He barked at his arch-enemy/rival. But Ranma paid him no mind. This prompted Ryoga to take off his own skates and chase after Ranma. He went into the bathroom, but only Ranma in his girl form and P-chan came out. I guess Ranma KO'd Ryoga and left him in the men's room.

Now that Ranma was a girl, he decided it was OK for Scarlet to teach him how to skate. Moreover, I'm just chopped liver.

"Stand up straight; you're a man, aren't you?" Scarlet asked

"R-Right at the moment, I'm a woman!" Ranma protested and I could only think how lucky he was that his dad wasn't around to hear him say that. Never mind; there he goes skating with the kids in his panda form.

"If I did this as a guy, I'd look dumb," Ranma remarked after his dad had passed

"Newsflash, doing it as a girl doesn't make you look much better. If you were trying for the cute-n-clumsy thing, maybe; but we all know you'd rather die than try something like that," I quipped and Ranma glared at me.

That's about when Azusa popped up and kicked Scarlet from behind.

"You did that on purpose, didn't you?!" Akane shouted at the brown haired girl. Then Azusa deflected Akane's rage by pointing out that Ranma was sliding away at a rather alarming rate. Then he crashed right into Mikado. Pervert + Ranma in girl form = someone's going to get killed. And it sure won't be Ranma. Fortunately, for that Satyromaniac, Azusa kicked him before he could make any moves on Ranma.

"Do your girl chasing later, it's time to practice the Assault of a Hundred Foes," Azusa told Mikado and they put us off to the sidelines while a bunch of guys in hockey equipment charged them. I wouldn't have thought of doing the Assault of a Hundred Foes could be done on ice, but Azusa and Mikado seemed to do it with ease. Those two might fight constantly, but they were something else when skating together. They kicked all one hundred of their butts in nine seconds flat.

"P-chan?" Scarlet wondered and I followed her gaze and saw that P-chan was being hunted down by several girls. I guess pig hunting was in season or something. Scarlet went after P-chan, but Azusa snagged him first and put a collar on him. The collar was also locked onto P-chan and Azusa had the key. So to up the stakes, the key would also be part of the prize. I guess it was to make sure Akane and Ranma didn't duck out.

Meanwhile, Ranma was flailing around for a few moments and then snagged by Mikado before I could help her get her balance back.

"Let go of me!" Ranma ordered, but Mikado ignored him and then kissed Ranma full on the lips. Thankfully, Scarlet and I were the only ones from School at the rink, but both of us got bug eyed from the shock. A guy had kissed Ranma! And effectively signed his own death warrant. Ranma had frozen up from the shock as well and Mikado continued the kiss until he had to come up for air. Mikado then set Ranma down and after a few zombie-like movements, the shock thawed into pure confusion-fueled chaos in his mind and she bolted off in tears.

"To be moved so by my kiss, such a pure and innocent girl!" Mikado exclaimed and I just didn't have the heart to tell him that he'd likely be dead in the next minute or so.

"You'd cry too, if you'd realize who you just kissed," Scarlet muttered and the Mikado said something about 'toying with a young girl's emotions' and 'being ashamed of himself'. I barely resisted the urge to face palm. Then Ranma stormed back out onto the ice in his male form. I could only hope that there would be enough of Mikado left over for me to dish out some minor punishment. The look on Ranma's face was truly scary and it was plain that he was out for blood.

"MIKADO!" Ranma roared, "FIGHT ME RIGHT NOW! I CAN'T LET YOU LIVE!" I could understand how Ranma felt, only it must be a lot worse for him because he was a girl at the time. So not only was he kissed by another guy, but while he was in a body that he didn't really consider his own.

"For the first time, in my whole life, I'M REALLY MAD!" Ranma bellowed and punched the ice so that it cracked all the way to where Mikado was standing.

"I don't know what you're angry about, but for the sin of damaging the rink, you must die!" Mikado exclaimed and that's about when I saw Ranma's worthless father sitting on the sidelines, eating, and watching this whole thing. SHOULDN'T HE BE AT LEAT TRYING TO COMFORT HIS SON?! THIS COULD SCAR RANMA FOR LIFE AND HE'S SITTING THERE FILLING HIS FAT STOMACH! Then Karma came for him in the form of Azusa deciding she wanted his rice ball. It was only a token gesture until I could really rip the fat panda a new one, but I appreciated Karma's stopgap measure.

Next chapter contains secrets coming to light, a battle to the death, emotional scarring, and a new panda-skin rug. Be sure to keep a lookout!