I'M ALIVE! Mostly…
Disclaimer: I don't own zombies or Ranma ½.
Akane's POV
"Alright! I've always wanted to eat one of these things!" Ranma exclaimed. We, meaning Ranma, Ryu, and I, were at a nearby café getting ice cream.
"Don't tell me you've never had ice cream?" I asked
"Guys would never eat this kind of stuff. It'd be embarrassing," Ranma remarked offhandedly. Of course, he was in his girl form.
"Although I already know which idiot put that idea in your head, being a little more guarded with your tongue would be nice," Ryu grumbled and Ranma had the decency to look embarrassed. He then promptly scarfed down his ice cream like a wild animal.
"If you're going to pretend you're not a guy to eat ice cream, you could at least have the decency to eat it like a normal girl," I remarked
"Leave me alone," Ranma muttered and then something on the TV caught his attention. "Hey, I've been there!" Ryu and I looked and saw that there was an 'Amazon' village in China that was being filmed. Then suddenly a portion of the wall was knocked down and there stood a girl with purple hair.
"Sh-Sh-Shampoo!" Ranma stuttered
"You know that girl?" I asked him and the girl looked at Ranma and then pointed one of her weapons at him and said
"Ranma die."
"Yo, Shampoo, when did you get-" But he was cut off by the girl named Shampoo trying to crush him by her mace things. "Why can't you get over it and leave me alone already!" With that, Ranma threw some wall hangings at Shampoo and he bolted.
"Ranma?" Shampoo wondered, I pointed her at the hole she had made in the wall, and she dashed off. I then gave Ranma the all clear.
"Did you have a fight with her or something?" I asked
"It's kinda hard to explain," Ranma groaned
"Well we have nothing but time, at least until that Shampoo girl shows up again, so you can explain," Ryu deadpanned
"Awfully cute, wasn't she?" I joked
"Yeah right!" Ranma exclaimed and then the café owner started yelling about the damages. We decided it would be a good time to leave. On the way home, Ranma grabbed some hot water, changed back to a guy, and told us the story of what had happened.
Apparently, just as Ranma and Mr. Saotome were freshly cursed, they wandered into a village of Amazon warriors. While there, the Amazons were having a tournament of some kind. Ranma then told us that he and Mr. Saotome accidentally ate the prize food and to make up for it, he had to fight Shampoo, who had won the tournament. He won with only a single kick. Then Shampoo gave him something called 'The Kiss of Death'. Ranma told us it was a kind of promise to hunt him down and kill him and she had done just that throughout all of China.
"And now she's found you in Japan. It's your own fault you know," I remarked, "At least the girl trying to kill you is cute."
"Oh yeah, that'll do me a world of good when I'm dead. I'm sure Pops will find great comfort in the fact I was killed by a cute girl," Ranma replied sarcastically
"I don't think he'd care one way or the other," Ryu quipped as we entered my house.
"If you two are trying to make me feel better, you're gonna have ta-" Ranma suddenly shut up and it didn't take me long to see why. Shampoo was sitting in the living room while sipping tea. Mr. Saotome in panda form was trying, and failing miserably, to hide under the table.
"Hello, Ranma, Ryu, Mr. Saotome brought over a friend," Kasumi said and then Shampoo began to scrutinize Ranma. She quickly discovered that he was a guy, for the moment anyway, and wrote off the same name as a coincidence. Then Shampoo attacked Ryu and I.
"Ranma, where is she?" Shampoo asked
"I haven't the slightest clue," Ryu answered
"I don't know," I told her
"You hide Ranma. You two must DIE!" Shampoo then swung her weapon and we dodged out of the way, but she tore a hole through the sliding paper door.
"DO YOU MIND?! I'D LIKE TO SEE MY NEXT BIRTHDAY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" Ryu roared
"OK, you've done enough damage!" Ranma shouted and with a snap kick, broke one of her maces. It then landed on her head and knocked her out.
"Looks like you're in trouble again. You just defeated her in your male form," Ryu pointed out
"Now she'll be after both my guy and girl sides!" Ranma cried and then Shampoo came to. Ranma was too shell-shocked to run and then…Shampoo hugged him?
"Wo ai ni." Shampoo said
"It's you I love?" Kasumi translated. I didn't know she knew Chinese. Then Shampoo kissed Ranma on the lips. Ranma totally froze up and my temper got the best of me, so I threw one of Shampoo's maces at him to…help.
"Was that really necessary?" Ryu asked me and I just shrugged. Shampoo then glared at me and I glared right back until I got tired of it and stormed off.
Ryu's POV
"What's all this ruckus?" Mr. Tendo and Kasumi tried to explain what was going on, but she failed miserably. Unfortunately, for Ranma, Mr. Tendo didn't notice this and Shampoo snuggling up against Ranma wasn't helping his case along. Only Ranma could get into a mess like this.
Then Scarlet stomped back into the room and the flash in her eyes were a clear danger sign. I also notice the second Scarlet entered the room again; Shampoo threw herself over Ranma possessively. I was prepared for a major blow up and I didn't have any ideas on how to defuse the situation. Which was why I was very surprised when Scarlet asked to see me in the dojo. Alone.
"Can't I at least bring someone along as a witness?!" I shouted
"NO!" Scarlet barked
"Goodbye, cruel world, parting is such sweet-"
"NOW RYU!"
"Yes ma'am."
Ranma's POV
As I watched my only hope get dragged off by Akane, I could only hope my own death would be swift and painless. But before Mr. Tendo could kill me, Shampoo held up a book and gave it to him. Unfortunately, it was written in Chinese so he tossed the book aside.
"The laws of the Amazon Tribe are as follows," Looks like Nabiki's back, "In the event an Amazon is defeated by an outsider and that outsider is a woman, the Amazon must kill her. However, if the outsider is a man, the Amazon must make him her husband." Nabiki translated, or she read the Japanese translation in the book itself.
Somehow, I ended up with the job of explaining to Shampoo that she couldn't just waltz in and try and marry me like it was nothin' because of some rules from back in her home village. Unfortunately, everything I said seemed to go in one ear and out the other. Maybe Ryu would have some ideas. So I escaped Shampoo and went over to the dojo.
"Hey Ryu, you still alive?" I asked
"I don't know. Ask me in the morning," Ryu groaned
"Is Akane still mad at me?" I asked
"Not really. She's more pissed that Shampoo was hanging all over you," Ryu explained and then I told him what we had found out.
"So do you have any ideas?" I asked hopefully
"I do have one idea. It'll mean making Shampoo really upset, but at least she'll go back to only wanting to kill you," He answered
"How do you plan on doing that?" I asked
"Elementary, my dear Watson. We simply convince Shampoo that you really are a girl," Ryu explained like it was the simplest thing in the world.
"How are we gonna do that?"
"It'll require some misdirection, a few smoke bombs, and Dr. Tofu's help. Now here's the plan…"
That night I was on the roof, hoping that Ryu's plan would get me killed. Finally, I worked up the nerve and splashed myself with water. I then hopped down and went searching for Shampoo. It didn't take long and before I knew it, I was running for my life. I spent most of the night that way, but it was all part of the plan. Shampoo had to believe I was well acquainted with moving fast while I was a girl if the plan was going to work.
The next morning, I had the misfortune of being found in bed with Shampoo as a guy by Akane. She must have snuck in during the few hours I got of sleep. But Akane didn't bother to ask me about; instead, she splashed me with cold water and nearly blew the plan. Thankfully, Shampoo was too sleepy to notice the cold water. I managed to duck into the bathroom and change back, but then Shampoo found me and tackled me. If she doesn't wanna kill me, she wants ta kiss me! I can't wait until we help her make up her mind.
Eventually, I was able to escape to school, but Akane was giving me the cold shoulder. I decided not to press it until I had Ryu for backup. But since we were late, I didn't get a chance to talk to him until lunch and then weird things started happening. Like Shampoo breaking down another wall.
"Boy-type Ranma, hello!" Shampoo exclaimed
"Hey Shampoo, next time could you use the door?" I asked and she nodded before placing a silver platter in front of me.
"Dutiful wife make husband delicious lunch: canton style pork with hibiscus!" Shampoo declared and then lifted the lid. We all looked at the 'pork' part of the meal for a moment before Akane, Ryu, and I all burst out laughing.
"Poetic justice is served!" Ryu crowed. Somehow, Ryoga had managed to get himself cooked up in Shampoo's meal. He wasn't dead, but he was in a world of hurt. Ryoga then woke up and decided the best thing to do would be to try and bite me. But he didn't get the chance as Akane got out her mallet and smacked him to who knows where.
"What so funny?" Shampoo asked
"We might explain it one day," Akane answered and then Shampoo gave Akane the Kiss of Death!
"Obstacles are for killing!" Shampoo declared and then she grabbed Akane and bolted. She managed to lose me and Ryu after awhile, but we eventually found Akane. She wasn't dead, just knocked out. Eventually she woke up.
"You should be more careful!" I shouted
"Do I know you?" Akane asked and I thought I had heard her wrong, but then she asked again.
"Scarlet, do you remember who I am?" Ryu asked worriedly
"Of course Ryu! Why wouldn't I?" Akane asked
"Do you know who he is?" Ryu asked, pointing to me
"No. Should I?"
"Well that's just wonderful. Selective amnesia," Ryu sighed
"But why me?" I wondered
"I don't know, but something tells me Shampoo is behind this," Ryu said and we decided to take her to Dr. Tofu as soon as school was over. When he got a look at her, he told us that Shampoo had used something called the Xi Fa Xiang Gao Shiatsu attack. Then Pop came in while in panda form and tried to tell us what he had seen. But his hands were full so he couldn't use his signs. So I just used hot water on him. He told us Shampoo had used the attack in five seconds flat. Dr. Tofu then explained that the Xi Fa Xiang Gao selectively erases memories.
"If you can get your hands on the herb extracts that were used, we might be able to reverse the process," Dr. Tofu suggested, so I grabbed Akane and took off to find Shampoo.
Ryu's POV
Why Ranma had felt the need to snatch up Scarlet was beyond me. But not three minutes after he left, Shampoo came marching into the clinic. Dr. Tofu explained that she was going to be staying at the clinic for awhile. This would complicate the plan, but I could work around it. Mr. Saotome bolted and Shampoo left too. So I decided to follow Shampoo on the assumption that she would eventually go to Ranma. I was right and Ranma wasted no time in interrogating Shampoo.
"Where's the stuff you use on Akane?!" He shouted, but Scarlet distracted him by asking if he was a cheer or a movie remake. Then Shampoo tried to use the Xi Fa Xiang Gao again, but Ranma thwarted her. He even managed to snatch a bottle of extract. Ranma then tried to use it on Scarlet, but it didn't work. But he did manage to get rid of Shampoo.
With Shampoo out of the way, we called Dr. Tofu over to examine the extract. When he got there, he explained that the extracts Ranma had grabbed were the wrong ones. We had a bottle marked 110. To get Scarlet's memories of Ranma back, we needed a bottle marked 119. Thankfully, Dr. Tofu had the list of ingredients. Unfortunately, Kasumi walked in and Dr. Tofu shredded them before we could stop him.
"Thanks for nothin'," Ranma grumbled and now we had to go hunt down Shampoo. So we went looking for her; but we didn't look long. She was dangling the formula 119 right in front of our faces.
"Ranma, why you so nice to Akane?" Shampoo asked
"Well let's just say nobody likes to be forgotten about, OK?" He replied and she turned and ran. So we went after her. Sometimes I wonder if hanging around Ranma is good for my life expectancy. I'll either die some stupid death in one of these fiascos, or get to a ripe old age because of how much exercise I get.
"Give us that shampoo!" I shouted and then Ranma managed to grab her leg and she dropped a bottle. We went to pick it up, but it turned out to be a decoy. She then dumped a bunch of decoys on us.
"Hand it over Shampoo!" Ranma demanded and then Shampoo realized she had dropped the real thing on us by mistake. But by the time we learned that, it was already back in her possession. Shampoo then opened the top of her blouse and stuffed the formula 119 down between her…parts.
"You want?" Shampoo asked in a suggestive voice
"You think you can stop us that easy?!" Ranma yelled
"She stopped me that easy," I muttered
"Well not me! I'm used to women's bodies, OK?!" Ranma shouted, but his beet red face gave him away. But Shampoo wasn't taking any chances and started screaming. And boy could she scream! So Ranma offered a trade. If Shampoo gave him the formula 119, he agreed to 'kill girl-type Ranma'. Ranma countered by saying 'half kill'. He was mincing words, but if we got the 119, then it didn't matter. Looks like we'll have to step up the modified plan.
The next day was Saturday and a real scorcher at that. That was exactly what my plan needed. So it was time to act. Ranma dumped himself with cold water and we went to find Shampoo. When we found her, she had the formula 119 in her hand and was scanning the area. It didn't take long for her to spot us.
"Girl type Ranma, I kill!" Shampoo exclaimed
"Wait Shampoo, we got something to show ya!" I shouted
"What?" She asked impatiently
"You know about Jusenkyo, right?" I questioned
"Yes," She answered curtly
"Well, it's easier to just show you," I said and then turned on a hose. The warm water in the heated hose turned Ranma back into a guy and then I turned the hose away so the water could start running cold.
"Aiya! Is boy type Ranma! But if Jusenkyo curse, that means…"
"That's right, Ranma is really a girl. If you don't believe me, feel the water from this hose. It's cold and that's what triggers the curse," I said
"It…it not true! Ranma arien!" Shampoo cried while dropping the formula 119 in shock.
"It's true…I'm really a girl," Ranma said
"I KILL!" Shampoo screeched and attacked furiously, but then she suddenly stopped. "I…kill…" She said again, but this time there were tears in her eyes and she then bolted.
"What…was that?" Ranma wondered
"I think…we actually broke her heart. I didn't think she had gotten so attached to you," I answered and suddenly I felt immensely guilty. But if nothing else, we had gotten the formula 119. We took it back to Scarlet and used it on her. It worked and she remembered everything and then we told her what had happened.
"You could probably catch up with her. I mean, she was awfully cute," Scarlet quipped
"Leave me alone. I don't feel like arguing with you right now," Ranma said and with that headed to his room.
"I think I'll be going too. I think we messed up." So I headed home and tried to forget the heaviness in my heart.
And so, the complete opening Shampoo arc in one chapter. WHO IS AWESOME?!