My face hurts?
As thoughts went, it wasn't particularly profound, but in her sleep-addled state she was barely managing to string words together at all, let alone form complex thoughts. Which was odd, since she couldn't quite recall what she'd been doing the previous night. Or how she'd even ended up here – wherever 'here' was.
Clearly 'here' was a bed, which ruled out a dig site. It wasn't a too-small single, which ruled out college, and it wasn't her own overly-large one at the house, either. That probably meant she was in a hotel somewhere, or perhaps on board a ship. Had she made a discovery and partied a little too enthusiastically? It wasn't really her style, but she'd done it a couple of times in college. Maybe she'd been part of a big discovery, or maybe something had finally come of the dig site on Therum-
Therum. Mother. Saren. The Geth. The Reapers. Shepard. The meld- oh, Goddess-
Memory came flooding back with a rush, and she tensed, bracing herself for the inevitable wave of grief and sorrow.
It never came.
There was a sadness, yes, but not a blinding one, and she barely managed to stifle a giggle of joy as she realized that the emotional roller coaster she'd endured since the falling out with her mother years ago had been... not removed, but muted, altered from a devouring monster of regret and anguish into a quiet but somber reminder of things lost. Yes, her mother was gone, and she would never again hear her call her 'little wing' or get to watch her smile when she rushed through an explanation of a new discovery... but it didn't cause her to seize up with grief.
Goddess, this is amazing, she thought, as she sifted through the memories that before would leave her barely choking back tears instead only prompted a wistful smile.
To make matters even better, without the cloud of pain with each memory, she found that there was more to to be gleaned from them – the exact expression on her mother's face at the end, the quirk of Shepard's lip when she fought the krogan while rescuing her... little details that had been drowned out by the volume of her feelings now stood out much more clearly in her mind.
She let herself enjoy the experience for a few more minutes before giving herself a little shake. She could explore all the ramifications of what they'd done later, after she had a chance see Chakwas about her lip and thank Shepard for, well... everything. Rescuing her, making her comfortable, trusting her, giving her a choice, including her in the plans, and now, salving her mental wounds.
I wonder what Shepard will think of it, she thought, stretching beneath the fleece blanket Shepard had apparently tossed over her cot the night before. I hope she does not regret her decision, as- wait.
This isn't my cot.
She froze in place, her heart starting to race and her breath coming shallow. She wasn't in her bed. Her memories of what happened after the meld were fuzzy, at best, as the sudden absence of pain the previous night had allowed her sleep deprivation to catch up with a vengeance. She'd assumed Shepard had taken her back to medbay, but if she hadn't-
Moving as little as possible, she tugged the fleece blanket down from her eyes and looked around.
It was Shepard's room, all right – two uncomfortable chairs, a desk, a terminal, some personal storage, and the bed she was now resting on – but that was not the most important feature. That honor rested with the young human woman lying not half a meter away, flat on her back with an arm draped over her eyes and a thin sheet covering her lower body.
Several thoughts ran through Liara's head in quick succession.
The first was shock and alarm: She had, apparently, just slept with the Commander, in the literal sense if not the more euphemistic one the phrase typically referred to. While she did have an excuse – she'd just endured one of the most taxing experiences of her hundred plus year long life – it was still completely out of character for her to simply pass out in another person's bed, especially when they were still using it.
This was followed almost immediately by her mind reminding her that, in fact, the half-naked woman lying across the bed from her was profoundly attractive. Not beautiful as most asari would define it, perhaps, but the combination of a small yet well-toned body and the clever mind Liara knew lay behind her eyes made her insides flutter... and not in an unpleasant way.
But there was more to it than that. During the day, when she was awake, there was always something stilted about her expressions, her body language. It was deliberate, for lack of a better word. Not so much that she'd have been able to call it out after seeing her in passing, but after having learned a few of her secrets, she could pick out the differences in her movements and physical expressions from others. Here, now, while she slept, those were gone. Her arm was not tossed over her eyes in an effort to convey exhaustion or weariness, but as the result of an unconscious movement to shield her gaze from the ambient lighting that filled the Normandy during prescribed daylight hours. Her visage was not carefully shaped into a mask to convey precisely the impression she wanted, it was simply her face; young, relaxed, and at peace.
Storming in on the tail of thoseparticular observations was guilt. She'd asked for and received a huge favor, committed the faux pas of passing out in the bed of the person who'd granted it, and was now in the process of ogling the person who'd helped her while she slept.
Shepard gave a small shudder and began to rub her eyes, while Liara panicked and quickly averted her gaze, staring pointedly at the ceiling while her mind helpfully filled in mental imagery of Shepard waking up.
"Liara?" Shepard murmured, her voice still rough.
She swallowed and tried to coax her heart into something resembling a normal beat. "Yes?"
Shepard rolled over to face her. "How'd you sleep?"
For one so heartless, she is certainly concerned for my welfare, she thought absently. "I... slept well," she admitted. "Better than I have in a great while, thanks to you."
She heard sheets rustling next to her. "It worked, then?"
Liara nodded. "It did. You have an amazing mind, Shepard, even if it is... different."
Shepard hummed. "You know, I'm not sure what to say to that. Thank you, I guess?"
And of course, it is not a normal conversation with her if I do not place my foot firmly in my mouth at least once, she thought bitterly.
Apparently picking up on her discomfort, Shepard reached out a hand to touch her on the shoulder. "Hey," she said. "You're going to bore a hole in my wall if you stare at it any more intently. What's up?"
Goddess, she has no idea, Liara thought in a daze. "I... you are wearing... little," she managed at last. "I did not wish to offend, or, or..."
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Shepard glance down. "Oh, yeah. You came in right before I got into bed, so I didn't have much on." She paused, then frowned. "Is that an issue? You mentioned that asari were comfortable with it when we were in Chora's Den dealing with Finch."
Of course she would remember an offhand remark made during a tense showdown, she thought. "No, I mean... I would not wish to, to insult you by... being distracted," she said miserably, her blush becoming almost painful in its intensity.
"Distracted?" Shepard asked, canting her head to the side. "... wait, by me? You mean-"
Liara saw the woman's eyes go distant, and realized with a start what she was doing. My memories! Oh, Goddess, she knows what I think of her- oh, no, no, no, no...
Shepard flitted through the moments she'd pilfered from Liara the night before, her mind half on autopilot. They were still alien to her, the emotions that went with them still far more intense than anything she'd endured before, but with the benefit of time and context, she began to notice patterns.
They didn't start off intense, which when compared to the moments around them, might have explained why she hadn't picked up on them the first time. But now, in the quiet of her cabin, with nothing else, they stood out.
It started subtle: A vague sensation of relief and happiness whenever she featured in Liara's mind, as if the asari was able to relax and lower her guard around her. This intensified as the days and weeks advanced, to a surge of quickly-stifled joy whenever she poked her head in the back of the medical bay, to an almost painful yearning whenever Shepard was doing something in her presence. It didn't even need to involve Liara – her merely being nearby was enough to cause it.
Then everything flew into disarray after Feros, and doubt, fear crept in... then faded, only to be replaced by an even more intense longing, if such a thing was possible.
Desire.
Her mind flashed back to Chakwas' warning about bonds, and how difficult they were to stop from forming, even if one knew they were false.
So she's interested in you, Shepard thought, and not just physically. What do you do with that?
The first thought was the simplest: Remind the poor woman that she was, physiologically, not capable of reciprocating in the way that evolution had trained her to expect, and help her adjust to that truth. She could adjust her behavior if necessary to avoid deepening the lopsided bond that was forming, and they could continue with their mission without extra hassle.
Except... she didn't want to do that.
That thought startled her. She didn't want to stop spending time with Liara. She'd come to enjoy their talks, her company, her combination of naivete and wisdom that came from being a century-old shut-in, and, yes, if she was being honest, her appearance as well. Going back to what she'd had before – a life based around her work, with only books and her violin for company – struck her as... lonely. Dull, especially in comparison with the revelations about people that Liara had been able to grant her.
And why shouldn't you continue? She thought to herself, almost petulantly. It's not like she doesn't know exactly who and what you are by now. If she still wants to throw herself at you, well, that's all the better, isn't it?
She would have to be careful, she knew. At her core, she was nothing more than a black hole, a bottomless abyss of want that would, if left unchecked, devour everything and everyone in a vain attempt at filling itself. She'd gotten as far as she had by shackling it, binding it with logic, reason, and cold self-interest, but none of those things would change what she really was when they were stripped away.
But she had no desire to live the life of a monk, locked away in a cell for her entire existence, especially when the blue alien trying to vanish into the bed next to her had just jingled the keys.
When opportunity knocks, the very least one can do is answer the door... and see if your visitor has the right address.
She was doomed.
Completely, utterly, and without any possibility of escape.
This could not be passed off as a simple misunderstanding, or a mistake from an alien that did not understand a human. She could pretend that she made a mistake in person, but within the meld... there were no lies. Which meant that her... infatuation... with the young commander was laid bare before her, and there was thing she could do about it.
"Liara?"
She flinched at the sound of her name. "Y-yes?" she managed.
The human eyed her, head tilted slightly, as if to get a different perspective on her face, or somehow make sense of something incomprehensible.
"I'm..." she frowned, chewing on the corner of her lip. "You... love me?"
Liara let the breath she'd been holding in an explosive sigh. "I don't... I mean, I can't deny that... that I'm attracted to you," she said, her voice barely above a whisper. "A lot. And I know it doesn't make any sense. Goddess. I know what you are. I just... I can't help it! You're beautiful and smart and funny and kind and I should be running screaming but every time I do I realize I won't be able to be with you and that hurts and-"
"Liara."
It wasn't much – just her name, really, nothing she hadn't heard on Shepard's lips a hundred times before – but it still managed to derail what modicum of order was left in her mind, and she trailed off, staring helplessly at the topless woman sitting next to her.
The human didn't lifted a tentative hand, reaching out to cup her jaw, and she shivered at the touch. "Y-yes?" she stammered.
"Do asari kiss?"
Liara blinked at the question. "Uh, yes," she said. "I mean, there are lots of nerve endings, and-"
"Good," Shepard interrupted, before pulling her close and pressing her lips against Liara's own.
For a moment, Liara didn't realize what was happening. Her mind, already flying in six different directions, couldn't really cope with the addition of a seventh – especially a seventh accompanied by the most wonderful and overwhelming sensations, ones that threatened to drive everything else out of her head.
Then it sank in.
Shepard is kissing you!
What she wanted to do was let her eyes half-close, maybe hum in pleasure, offer a little tongue or playful nibble like they did in the holos, all while reaching her hands around the back of Shepard's head to pull her closer and prolong the absolutely heavenly feelings roiling in her chest.
What she actually managed was a surprised squeak, followed by hurling the commander's bathrobe that had been draped over her arms across the bed in a too-fast attempt to reach around her, then she overbalanced from her seat at the edge of the bed and collapsed face-first into Shepard's chest.
I was wrong, she thought, trying to ignore the sensation of her cheek pressed against the soft human skin, this, truly, is the pinnacle of embarrassment.
"Well then," Shepard said, her voice surprisingly deep and loud from the direct contact, "Was that panicked attempt to get away, a surprised reaction to my, ah, advances, or a sudden overwhelming fascination with my bosom?"
Liara twitched, then pulled back to stare at the grinning human. "The second one," she said, relieved to no end that the commander seemed to bear her no ill will over the complete fool she'd made of herself. "I was not- that is, I did not think you... felt the same," she finished faintly.
"I don't," Shepard said easily, and Liara flinched. Does she not-?
"Oh, don't look at me like that," she said with another half smile. "You know as well as I that I don't feel things like you do."
Right. Of course, Liara thought, resisting the urge to slap herself upside the head. "I meant that... that you would be interested in me... like that," she finished lamely. "Unless I am misreading...?"
Shepard's smile faded, and she let out a long, slow sigh, while Liara bit her lip and waited.
"You already know that I am not a... loving individual," Shepard said at last, and Liara nodded. "I'm quite literally incapable of it, and likely will be for the rest of my life, however long or short that may be. I enjoy your company, Liara, but you must understand that I do not, will not, and cannot love you. Not in the way you seem to love me."
Liara nodded slowly, not trusting herself to speak and not wanting to interrupt the woman.
"If in spite of that, you still want to involve yourself with me... well. Let us say that I have a voracious appetite for new things, and that you represent a treasure trove of them. New ideas, new points of view, new sensations-"
Shepard's gaze drifted momentarily downward, drinking in the curves of Liara's still-clothed body like a merchant might appraise a fine antique, and she fought the urge to turn and cover herself.
"-and new feelings, too," she finished, meeting her eyes and tapping the side of her temple gently. "If you are willing to enter into what will inevitably be a broken, dysfunctional, and one-sided relationship with a psychopath... well, I certainly won't stop you, not when I have so very much to gain."
"I do not believe it will be one-sided at all," Liara argued with a scowl of her own. "I have just enjoyed the first truly restful night in years, thanks to you. You saved my life, treated me like a person when everyone else treated me like a stepping stone in their plan, listened to me, helped me with my problems, and worked around my failings. Even if it was all done to, to manipulate me, that does not render any of what you did less kind!"
She winced slightly as she realized how loud she'd gotten while Shepard chuckled and shook her head. "Alright, alright, I concede," she said with a smile.
"Good," Liara quipped, then blushed. "I mean... I look forward to... being..."
She trailed off, not quite able to put to words what she was trying to say.
"Lovers?" Shepard prompted, then frowned. "No, that's not quite right. Is there a word for 'desperate damaged people engaged in an ill-advised codependent romantic entanglement?'"
She let out a nervous laugh. "If there is, I do not know it."
"I'll check my thesaurus later, I suppose," Shepard said, then leaned back against the headboard and closed her eyes.
It was then that the magnitude of what she'd just agreed to began to sink in.
She'd just argued her way into a relationship – and yes, at their ages, sex would be a socially and personally expected part of that – with a self-proclaimed monster who didn't love her, after having her mind radically altered by the same monster at her own insistence the night before.
Goddess, what if I don't love her? What if she just... projected her desires onto me?
She bit her lip again, wincing as the expression poked the barely-sealed wound she'd inflicted on herself the previous night.
Space, she needed space. Shepard was a hunger, taking everything around her and reshaping it to a form of her pleasing, and she needed to decide if... if that was something she could accept happening to her.
If I stay here, she will change me, as surely as the sun rises on Thessia, Liara thought faintly.
That scared her, yes, but what scared her more was how little she feared that... and how much of her wanted it. Wanted to be something else besides a shy, sad, daughter of a fallen matriarch, and how easily Shepard could help give that to her.
"S-Shepard?" she stammered.
The human opened a single eye and peered at her without moving her head. "Yes?" she asked.
"Is it... do you mind if we... take things a little slowly?" she said. "Do not misunderstand me; I want this, I just..."
Shepard shifted, sitting upright and nodding. "You need some time to adjust."
Liara nodded fervently, relieved the human apparently understood. "Yes, precisely."
"I'll be honest, Liara," Shepard said, turning to face her with a lopsided smile, "this is brand new territory for me, as well, and I wouldn't mind some time to process what it means before charging forward, either."
Goddess, of course it is, Liara thought with another mental facepalm. The woman, by her own admission, has never done something like this in her life... and she doesn't have anything to provide a reference point, either!
Liara smiled back at the human. "Then shall we agree to muddle our way through at our own pace?"
"Yes," Shepard said simply, and Liara let out a breath of relief. "I do have one immediate question, however," she said.
"Oh?"
"What shall we say to the crew?" Shepard asked.
"I... would prefer to say nothing, at least for now," she hedged. She wasn't sure she wanted their condemnation or congratulations just yet.
"I will point out that it is now..." Shepard glanced at the clock on the wall, "... just after noon, and as such it will be very obvious that you spent the night in my room."
"Oh," she managed faintly. "Will they... are they going to tease?"
Shepard shrugged. "Depends on what you mean by teasing," she said. "Joker will crack jokes as usual, and somebody will win the pool depending on what we tell them, but I doubt anyone will be mean about it."
Liara thought it over. "That is... not as bad as it could be."
"That was my sentiment," Shepard said. "If you'd like, I can speak to the folks having lunch, and the universe's other form of FTL communication will ensure everyone knows before you're done in the shower."
"Other form of FTL...?" Liara blinked in confusion.
Shepard sighed. "Human joke. 'The only thing that can go faster than light without element zero is gossip,'" she said. "The commander is in a relationship with the archaeologist? That's juicy gossip, right there."
"I... see," Liara said. "What do you think would be best?"
Shepard shrugged again. "Depends on what you want. If we say nothing, they'll assume we slept together in the euphemistic sense. If we tell them the truth, you should prepare for condolences from pretty much everyone. If we tell them a lie, well, that depends on the lie."
"Let us tell them the truth, then," Liara said firmly. "The mention of my mother does not drag my heart into the ground, not since last night. I would prefer unnecessary condolences to a reminder of a lie or the assumption that we did something we did not do."
"'The simplest lie is the truth,'" Shepard quoted, nodding. "Works for me. Shall we?"
"We shall," Liara said, then paused. "Although I would recommend clothing, first."
"Details, details," Shepard said, rolling out of bed.
A few minutes later, the door hissed open to reveal Doctor Chakwas with her fist raised to knock.
She glanced at Shepard, then Liara, then blinked. "Good morning, you two. I was beginning to worry."
You worried I might have done something, you mean, Shepard thought. "As you can see, your concern was unfounded. Is there still lunch, or did the marines eat it all?"
"There's still lunch," Chakwas reassured her. "Liara, you look... rested," she said, her voice almost surprised.
"I am, for once," Liara said from behind her. "You may thank the Commander for that."
"Oh?" Chakwas raised an eyebrow at Shepard.
"I'll tell you later," Shepard said with a meaningful jerk of the head toward the mess that had gone suspiciously quiet since the door to her cabin opened.
"As you wish," Chakwas said, then lowered her voice. "You do realize that, regardless of whether you did or not, everyone is going to think that you-"
Shepard sighed and nodded. "I know, I know. I'll talk to them before I get food."
"I think I will take this opportunity to make for the showers," Liara said from behind her.
"Go for it," Shepard said, shifting to let the asari by before looking back at chakwas. "Okay. Impromptu press conference, then lunch. I'll give you the full rundown in private."
Chakwas nodded. "Very well, Commander."
"So, Commander," Joker said while Shepard walked to the front of the room, his voice almost sing-song, "do we get to pay the pot out?"
Shepard put her hands on her hips and sighed at the pilot. "That would depend," she said, "on what the wager was for."
"For you and the doc sleepin' together, of course," one of the less tactful marines called from the back of the room.
Shepard glared at the man, who despite his lack of social graces, at least had the good sense to look chagrined. Joker had earned the right to tease; he had not, and speaking out was a minor – or major, depending on the officer – faux pas.
Not to mention potential insubordination.
"First, that's not really any of your business," she said, rubbing the bridge of her nose in exasperation, "and second, does this pot of yours have an entry for 'traumatized scientist who killed her brainwashed mother wanted someone to hold her while she cries?'"
A silence fell over the room.
Shepard glowered at the assembled crew. "A few days ago, she renounced most of her claims to her family's fortune in order to deny those assets to Benezia. Twenty hours ago, Liara helped me kill her mom. Twelve hours ago, she was told that she was no longer welcome with the rest of her family. She has, quite literally, sacrificed or lost everything she ever had in order to help us stop Saren."
Making her way toward the stack of plates and the lunch buffet, she continued her admonishment. "Last night, she came to me and asked for help with nightmares. I know that in the military we're supposed to pretend we don't get them, but luckily for her mental health she's not a soldier – she's an archaeologist, and as such had no qualms seeking advice and counsel. I lent her a sympathetic ear and my thoughts on the matter, and we both ended up falling asleep around oh three hundred."
There was some shifting gazes. She was violating several norms, she knew – both in candidly discussing something that soldiers held as deeply personal, and in the admission that there was a fallible individual behind the stoic mask – but it was that candor that would help jar them into a less... caustic mode of interaction with the asari.
She hoped.
"Now," she said, putting the condiments down and setting her hands on her hips while she glared at the soldier that had spoken up earlier, "does that answer your question, private?"
"Uh, yes ma'am, apologies ma'am," he said quickly, his gaze directed pointedly at the bulkhead across from him.
"Good," she said, and headed over to the medical bay. "I'll be with Chakwas if anybody needs me. Oh, and Joker?"
She paused halfway through the medical bay door and leaned back with a grin.
"Uh... yes, ma'am?" he asked.
"Have fun figuring out whether or not you need to pay out your betting pool out or not."
With that, she stepped inside.
Of course, it would have been preferable if Chakwas had already been there, but the doctor had gone to make sure Liara was okay. Not discreet, perhaps, but that didn't bother Shepard. As the old adage went, trust, but verify.
"Welfare check of our young archaeologist go well?" she asked when the door opened, without looking away from the heated argument brewing in the mess hall.
"Was I that obvious?" Chakwas asked in reply, settling down at her desk with a plate of her own.
"It's what I would have done," Shepard replied with a shrug, reaching for a chip as she did.
They ate in silence for a few minutes, Chakwas tapping some notes into her terminal while Shepard simply enjoyed the murmur of argument outside the medical bay.
"You're going to make me ask outright, aren't you," Chakwas said finally.
Shepard grinned. "Yes. Yes, I am."
Chakwas gave another long-suffering sigh. "Shepard, did you have sex with Liara?"
Shepard opened her mouth to answer, then shut it, tapping her jaw thoughtfully. "You know, I'm actually not sure," she said, a little surprised.
Chakwas raised a single eyebrow.
"I don't know what qualifies as sex to an asari," Shepard explained. "Did we share a bed? Yes, but only in the sense that we both slept in it together. Did either of us find sexual release? No, definitely not. Did we have a tremendously intimate sharing that ran far deeper than any one night stand I've ever had? Yes."
She opened her hands, palms up, and looked at Chakwas. "Is a meld deep enough to change a person's outlook on life like sex to the asari? I don't know."
"Is that what you two did? Share a meld?" the doctor asked.
"Yeah," Shepard nodded. "Liara came to me and said that she couldn't handle her feelings any more, and that she wanted to borrow my perspective on life for a time. I agreed, we had a very deep meld, and both passed out on my bed almost immediately afterward. We spoke briefly when we woke up about what we had experienced, and then decided to get food."
"Why do I feel," Chakwas said slowly, "like you're leaving out a great number of important details?"
"Because I am," Shepard admitted. "Old habits die hard, doctor, and frankly, I'm still working through the details and their consequences myself. I will say that I finally discovered what you meant about bonds, and that Liara and I have agreed to explore a... well, 'romantic relationship' doesn't quite fit, but I don't think there really is a good phrase for it."
Shepard's gaze shifted to meet Chakwas, and she gave her a lopsided smile. "I may find myself in the position of needing to avail myself of your wisdom in the future."
"Oh?" Chakwas asked. "In what regard?"
"I am many things, doctor, but 'experienced with people' is pointedly not one of them. I can cite any number of ways people humans are supposed to interact, but..." she trailed, off, gesturing vaguely.
"In theory, theory and practice are the same, in practice, this is not the case," Chakwas quoted, and Shepard nodded. "I will happily answer any questions I can – and that applies for Liara, as well, although in the name of full disclosure I must admit that she has already done so."
Shepard cocked her head. "Really?"
"Oh, yes," Chakwas said. "Shortly after you began spending your evenings with her, in fact. She wanted some insights into your nature, which – given the context in which she asked – I was willing to provide."
Shepard chewed that one over for a moment. "Is that allowed?"
"Please, Commander. It's not like I handed out your medical records. I merely gave her advice about how to best speak to a friend."
"A friend," Shepard repeated, half to herself, while her mind drifting to some of the memories she'd inherited from Liara the previous night. "Yes... yes, I do believe that fits," she said.
Chakwas smirked. "And this from the woman who claimed not to engage in friendship."
Shepard opened her mouth paused, then shut it with a sharp click of her teeth. "I... was wrong," she admitted. "I didn't understand. I still don't understand everything. But I know more than I did, and I'm always grateful for that."
Chakwas let out a long, happy breath. "If a little while with Liara gave you that much clarity, I may need to write a recommendation that you visit an asari therapist in the future."
"You would not be the first to suggest it," Shepard said, and Chakwas quirked her head at her in question. "Shiala, on Zhu's hope, said that I should find an asari to help. She... pitied my existence, and wanted to help me."
"I am surprised that- oh, hello, dear," Chakwas said as the medical bay door hissed open to reveal a freshly-washed Liara. "Enjoy your shower?"
Shepard smiled at them both. "I did, yes. Shepard, I take it you've been explaining the situation to Chakwas?"
"The broad strokes of it, yes," Shepard confirmed.
"Despite my urging for more information," Chakwas chided her gently. "Really, how many centuries will it be before people learn to tell their doctors everything?"
"When the doctors lose their reputation for wanting to open your head up to see how you work," Shepard shot back.
Chakwas gave her a withering glare. "While I'm well aware there are doctors with less compassion than you possess in this galaxy, Commander, I would think that you would know better of me by now. Besides, I am less worried about you-" she shifted her focus to Liara, who stiffened slightly, "-and more about her."
"Me?" Liara asked.
"Yes, you," Chakwas said, although she softened it with a smile. "Shepard is a soldier, an N program graduate, and on top of that is physiologically incapable of forming the first-order trauma associations that result in stress disorders. She has also not recently received experienced the loss of her immediate family, an attempted kidnapping, personal betrayal, and dramatic alterations to her living conditions. If you were a soldier in my charge, dear, you would be going through a mandatory psychiatric evaluation along with bereavement leave and financial counseling and support. As a civilian-"
She spread her hands in the air, then tutted in frustration. "Well. Needless to say, I worry for you, and I hope Shepard is not using both your position and her considerable skill in manipulation to have you make a decision that, in a different situation, you would never even consider."
Liara frowned in thought, then smiled sadly. "You may be right. In fact, I believe you are right... and yet, it does not matter, because we are not living in a galaxy where Saren stayed loyal, my mother was not corrupted, Eden Prime was not attacked, and I continued my research in peace. Those things are lost to us. I can only live in the galaxy we do occupy... and make the best of it where I can."
Chakwas pursed her lips, then nodded. "Very well. I still wish you two – yes, both of you – would tell me what your schemes are, but I suppose I will have to satisfy myself with the knowledge that you both know where my office is, should something go awry."
"Thanks, doc," Shepard smiled at the older woman. "I'm going to go get seconds. Either of you want anything?"
"No, thank you," Chakwas said. "Not all of us have the metabolism of an overexerting biotic. Besides, I need to take a look at Liara's lip."
"My what?" Liara said, raising a hand to her mouth, only to wince in pain as her fingers brushed the self-inflicted bite wound from earlier. "Oh. I must have bitten it...?"
"Well, I suppose that beats Shepard being responsible," Chakwas muttered, and Liara's face darkened at least three hues while Shepard laughed.
Shepard left them alone after that, as Liara had expressed interest in thinking things over for a while, and Shepard still wanted more lunch. The mess had mostly emptied, although the crew members on KP hadn't quite gotten around to tidying up the sandwich buffet just yet, so she snagged another half before sitting down across the table from Joker.
"So," she said through a mouthful of second lunch, "did you pay it out, or not?"
The pilot sighed. "Mulligan. Gave people their wagers back. Too many complaints, I didn't want to end up with a broken leg. Or, well, another broken leg," he said, gesturing at the lightweight cast still wrapped around his ankle.
"And started another one, I assume," Shepard said.
"Commander!" Joker protested.
Shepard raised an eyebrow. "I'm not hearing a 'no,' here, flight lieutenant," she said.
Joker met her eyes for nearly five seconds before glancing down and sighing. "Okay, maybe. But it's less crude this time, I swear!"
"Do I want to hear what it is?" she asked.
"Um," Joker said, "probably still no."
She sighed. "Then keep it quiet, and make sure nobody bothers Liara about it."
"Aye aye, ma'am," Joker said, then tried to twist around on the bench to look at the medical bay. "Um. She is okay, right? She seemed... pretty lost yesterday, ma'am, not going to lie, and what with the pool and the crowd and everything..."
He trailed off helplessly.
What do you know, he does have a heart, she thought. "You know I'm not the right person to ask, Joker."
"Yeeeaaaah..." he squirmed. "I get that. I guess I was just hoping for, I dunno, insider knowledge."
May as well throw the poor man a bone, seeing as he actually feels guilty over this, she thought. "Look, Joker, I won't pretend that your jokes don't rub people the wrong way from time to time, but I am reasonably certain Liara's reaction is more 'confusion' than 'anger' or 'injury.' If you really want to score some points with her, apologize in private sometime and make sure she knows that you – and the rest of the crew – appreciate her and want her here. I think she worries about being a burden, sometimes.
"Yeah," Joker said distantly, looking back over at the medbay once again. "Yeah, I think I know how that goes."
Shepard hummed and swallowed the last remnant of sandwich. "I'll let you think over how to talk to her in private. What's the holdup for getting back to the Citadel, do you know?"
Joker turned back to face her, relieved to be dealing with more practical issues. "We're ready to depart whenever, ma'am. The Alliance rescue team blew past us while you were sleeping, slowed down long enough to get some of the details from Pressly before hitting Noveria."
"How much did he tell them?"
"Not sure," Joker shrugged. "I think he gave them a sealed dispatch with the details so they would know what they were getting in to, but beyond that you'd have to ask him."
"Duly noted," Shepard said. "Alright, Joker, as soon as you finish your lunch, set a course for the Citadel. I'm going to go call the Council and let them know what happened."
"Aye aye, ma'am, and for what it's worth, you have my sympathies," he said.
"The chains of commanding strike again," she grumbled, then stood. "Better get to it."
"Commander," Sparatus said as soon as the link established, "we're receiving some disturbing rumors from Noveria, as well as a distinct lack of an official report from you. You apparently got involved in another corporate political battle? As enjoyable as hunting middle management may be, Commander, I am sure you recall that your primary task is tracking Saren, not correcting problems with corporate governance."
Shepard resisted the urge to sigh at the turian. She wasn't sure why he insisted on wasting time with quips, but it was at least a constant, and she'd learned to just set aside meeting time in her schedule for them. "My involvement in Noveria's governance was necessary to gain access to the research facility Benezia was hiding in," she explained evenly. "It was preferable to shooting everyone."
Sparatus muttered something under his breath that the microphone didn't pick up.
"I am more interested in hearing what occurred," Valern said, pointedly ignoring the turian. "We have had difficulty inserting agents into Noveria, and as such have little idea of what takes place there. Your report would be greatly appreciated."
Shepard pursed her lips. "Councilors, forgive me for asking this, but is this line secure? And are you alone?"
The Councilors exchanged glances, and Tevos nodded slowly. "We are in our private chambers on the Citadel, Shepard. It is as secure as technology can make it. Why?"
"Because what happened on Noveria is going to be a problem," Shepard said grimly.
"Explain," Sparatus ordered.
Shepard nodded and began counting off points on her fingers. "First: Benezia was on Noveria, and we were unable to bring her in peacefully. She and her retinue were slain to the last."
Tevos sighed, a hint of sadness in her voice. "Unfortunate, but not wholly unexpected. I'm sure you did your best."
"We did," Shepard confirmed, then continued counting. "Second: Saren is possession of a warship that predates the extinction of the protheans. It is the same vessel that attacked Eden Prime, and features incredibly advanced armaments and defenses. We don't believe that he has access to more of these vessels or the ability to manufacture them, but his geth allies have clearly already begun to copy parts of the design in their vessels, so that may change soon."
"You have proof that the protheans were driven to extinction?" Valern asked. "I was unaware that was accepted consensus among historians."
"Before their sudden vanishing from the galactic stage, then, if you prefer," Shepard said. "My archaeologist believes they were driven to extinction, and having seen several of their worlds, I am inclined to agree."
Tevos raised a hand. "We can table that particular discussion for another day, I believe," she said.
"Of course, Councilor," Shepard said, privately grateful that the salarian hadn't managed to derail the conversation with an argument over ancient history. "Third, we have reason to believe – and we have a large amount of evidence supporting this conclusion – that among the technologies Saren gained from control of his vessel is a limited form of brainwashing, and that he used this technology on Benezia."
Tevos' eyes snapped to Shepard and narrowed. "Are you certain of this? Do you have proof?"
"I'm not sure what would constitute proof," Shepard said. "She was clearly not speaking as the recordings of her did for most of our encounter, and during our battle she seemed like she managed to fight off some kind of conditioning long enough to share a meld with her daughter, Liara T'Soni. She also gave us a large amount of useful information, of which we have successfully confirmed portions of."
Tevos frowned, then sighed. "Not what I would prefer, but more than I expected. Thank you, Spectre. Please, continue."
And if I had been thinking more clearly, I wouldn't have killed her the way I did, Shepard thought angrily. The biotic maneuver she'd used to end Benezia's life was quick, quiet, and effective – which is why it she'd trained in it. It also had the unfortunate downside of destroying the brain of the target, which made doing any postmortem analysis of the mind next to impossible. Usually, this wasn't an issue, but now...
If wishes were horses, beggars would ride. No sense in dwelling on might-have-beens... especially when the real bombshells haven't landed.
She took a moment to glance at her omni-tool, reviewing the brief notes she'd prepared, then sighed. "Councilors, before I touch on the final – and most important – aspect of this meeting, I feel I owe you something of a confession," she said.
Sparatus' eyes narrowed. "Oh?"
"You chastised me earlier, Councilor Sparatus, for getting involved in corporate politics once again when my current task is hunting Saren. You were correct; I have been getting involved in corporate politics. I have several deep and profound concerns over how both the Spectres as an organization and the Systems Alliance as a political body function, and the potential ramifications the collision of those two issues have for the future of my species."
She spread her hands, almost pleading. "Councilors, you had me swear an oath to uphold galactic security. I am attempting to do so, but I fear that unless there are drastic changes made, any illusion of galactic peace will quickly evaporate. This might not spell doom for your peoples, Councilors, as you are protected by traditions, strong militaries, mutual defense agreements, and well-established colonies... but humans are newcomers, and we do not have most of those things. We rely on the peace and prosperity of the galactic community for our continued well-being far more than you do."
She eyed them, doing her best to judge their reactions to her speech, and was shocked to see not anger, or condemnation, but... amusement, as if all three of them found her confession to be funny. It would have angered her, were she the angering sort, but instead it just left her confused.
"Interesting," Valern said, tapping his jaw. "Very interesting. I'd say she almost has it."
"Indeed," Sparatus nodded. "Are you going to tell her?"
"I do not see why not," Tevos said, and leaned forward on her podium. "Commander – Spectre – what do you think the greatest power in the galaxy is right now?"
"I'm sorry?" Shepard blinked at the apparent abrupt change of topic. "Well, since you're asking, I will assume it isn't the obvious," she said, stalling for time while her mind raced.
The greatest power in the galaxy from a martial perspective is likely the turian combined fleets, but they don't act alone. The salarians have the best intelligence network, but it's hard to turn that into results without boots on the ground. The asari have wisdom, biotics, and a fiendish technological advantage... wait.
All of those things require resources that the governments do not produce. That means contractors, subcontractors, civilian designers, corporations, and money. Lots and lots of money. Where the money goes, businesses follow, and when businesses get involved...
She nearly smashed her palm into her forehead. Of course. It was obvious, and she was a fool for not having seen it already.
"You don't have the Spectres in bed with galactic corporations for our benefit," she said, a little dazed. "You do it for yours. We're not just 'practicing our skills' or 'making contacts in the galactic community,' we're setting up the intelligence sources you need to keep an eye on the people who don't answer directly to you... and our agency keeps them in line."
Tevos smiled, but there was little warmth to it. "You are the long arm of the Council, Shepard, but yes, the organizational structure of the Spectres is no accident."
"In the last thirty years," Valern recited, "there have been a grand total of two major armed political conflicts: The Relay 314 incident between the Systems Alliance and the Hierarchy, and the Batarian Hegemony's drawn-out departure. In that same time span, there have been no fewer than sixteen incidents with nongovernmental organizations taking action that required the assignment of a Spectre in a combat role."
"The galaxy is a big place, Spectre," Sparatus said wearily. "It is all too easy for a group in search of more profit with no concerns about what they do to get it to set up a quiet, out-of-the way research laboratory to experiment with biological warfare, artificial intelligence, cloning, or any other kind of dangerous or abusable technology."
"The Spectres are our first and last line of defense, as the induction ceremony goes," Tevos said. "It just so happens that in today's galaxy, the largest threat is not from the united species governments, but from those governments' suppliers."
"I'm afraid, then, Councilors, that I will need to be raising Councilor Valern's count to seventeen," she said grimly.
"Ah, yes, the original purpose of this call," Sparatus said, a little of his snark returning. "Do go on."
"I will be blunt," she said. "Some time ago, the Binary Helix corporation discovered a dormant rachni egg on an asteroid near the edge of their former territory. They successfully incubated it, and discovered that it was not just a drone egg, but a queen, and began breeding rachni in the hopes of using them to produce shock troopers for Saren."
The Councilors gaped at her.
"Furthermore," Shepard continued, "as far as we can tell, Binary Helix had accomplished this goal some time ago, and had even moved live drones and warriors to other research laboratories for evaluation. However, they appear to have had difficulty with controlling them. When we arrived at the facility on Noveria, the rachni had overrun it, killed many of the inhabitants, and wrecked a large portion of the equipment. We were able to clear most of the drones and warriors out from the facility with a combination of careful ground combat, the Normandy's main guns, and an appropriated neutron explosive, but we cannot guarantee that we killed all of them. We called for an Alliance rescue and recovery team for the survivors, warned everyone else not to go up there, and returned to the Normandy to prepare to return to the Citadel."
She checked her omni-tool's notes and smiled faintly. "As you can understand, this report took slightly longer to prepare."
"Spirits," Sparatus groaned. "Rachni?"
"Are you certain they were rachni?" Valern asked. "It is conceivable that they were artificial constructs or some other modified organism-"
"They were rachni," Shepard interrupted. "Liara T'Soni, my archaeologist, as well as Urdnot Wrex, a krogan battlemaster, both confirmed their appearance as matching what they know of rachni. All of Binary Helix's researchers referred to them as such, and the queen herself called herself one."
"You spoke to the queen?!" Sparatus sputtered. "Shepard, your people did not live through the rachni wars- ours did. The only thing that creature deserves is the business end of the largest weapon you have."
"I am intrigued that dialogue was possible at all," Valern sniffed. "None of the records from the war indicate that the rachni were capable or inclined toward speech."
Shepard sighed. Without them having seen the video feed, this was going to sound insane, but... it wasn't like she had much of a choice. "The rachni herself co-opted one of Benezia's dying commandos and used her as an avatar. Through her, we were able to communicate, albeit briefly."
"Briefly because you killed her after getting what you needed, I hope," Sparatus said.
Shepard made sure the wince she was feeling did not show on her face. "No. I let her go."
"You WHAT?!" Sparatus exploded, his arms actually leaving the pickup of the communicator. "Shepard, do you have any idea what you've done? How many generations before they overrun the galaxy?"
Depends on whether or not you do something about it, Councilor, she thought to herself. "I make a point of not committing genocide when I can possibly avoid it," she said mildly. "Besides, Councilor, she is – at least for now – trapped in the Pax system. There is only one relay out, and we will be leaving more than a few stealth drones watching it when we depart."
She allowed herself a small sigh. "And as you will see in my report, I had reason to believe she was not interested in violence. Her memories of the war were... muddled, at best, but she appears to harbor no ill will towards us as a result of the war and professes to only wish to leave alone in peace."
"I hope you're right, Shepard," Sparatus said grimly. "It will be our children's children who will pay the price if you're not."
"Or perhaps us," Tevos corrected with a slight smile. "I agree, however, that making any decisions now would be in error. We will need time to review your report, as well as discuss these events among ourselves before we can commit to any course of action regarding the rachni."
Valern scowled. "I have several immediate concerns," he said, "unrelated to this rachni queen, I assure you," he said to Tevos, who was looking like she wanted to shush him. "How many people know about the rachni? How likely is a panic to spread? We must also decide what to do with Binary Helix, as well – if what you say is true, they were knowingly working in full support of a traitor to resurrect a scourge of the galaxy."
"Shepard? You were there; what are your thoughts?" Tevos asked.
"As far as I know, the people that know about the rachni are the members of my crew, the researchers working for Binary Helix, the crew of the rescue vessel, and the Systems Alliance high command. I can say with confidence that nobody on board my ship will leak this, and I believe I can say the same for the rescue vessel and Alliance Command, but..."
Tevos nodded. "But it is impossible to know what Binary Helix will do. I understand. For now, please keep this information private to avoid causing a panic, and we will mount our own investigation into Binary Helix."
Shepard frowned. "Respectfully, Councilor, that may not be sufficient," she said. "I was able to deal with ExoGeni because they were motivated by greed, but I have concerns that most if not all of Binary Helix's board may be under Saren's direct control... financial, or otherwise. I would at the very least detain the senior members for interview."
"Unfortunately, Shepard, you've stumbled across one of the weaknesses of our current arrangement," Tevos sighed. "While the Council has concerns about the rapidity with which you trample over the status quo, we do, by and large, approve of the actions you have taken thus far in hunting Saren. However, there are those who do not approve of what you do... and they are already arraying forces against you. Nothing direct – they are not fools – but by voicing objections to your conduct, claiming bias against their businesses, and accusing us of harassing them through you the actions you take. In the end, the Council's power is great, but it all depends on the willingness of its members to enact its will. We would prefer to avoid being put into a situation where we are required to pick bluntly between unity and justice."
In short: I've made enemies, and because those enemies have lots of money and the ears of politicians who decide whether or not their species is going to participate in the Council's leadership, if I piss them off too much, they'll lean on their bought politicians to cause issues for the Council. Wonderful.
"I see," Shepard said, her voice as dry as a desert. "So in the interest of honesty, what will you actually do?"
Valern cleared his throat. "I believe you are familiar with the intelligence operations of the STG," he chided. "We will hand the task off to them, and they will ensure that any agents – willing or unwilling – of Saren are apprehended. Until they make their determinations, Shepard, you are not to pursue any member of Binary Helix for any reason related to this."
"Understood, Councilor," Shepard acknowledged. That would be problematic, but in all likelihood not a huge issue, at least in the short term. It would need to be addressed eventually for the good of the galaxy and her place in it, but the bulk of the damage with regards to Saren had already been done: He already knew the data Benezia had extracted from the rachni queen's mind, and the loss of the rachni as shock troops could be offset by increased production of geth mobile platforms.
"In the meantime," Tevos said, glancing at Valern to make sure the salarian was finished, "I believe we have done what we can here. If you would send us your report for this mission as soon as possible, we will review it and meet with you again when you return to the Citadel."
Shepard bowed her head briefly. "I will send it before we jump," she promised.
"Then I believe our business is concluded," she said. "Until next time, Spectre."
Aren't they just a happy, well adjusted couple?
Aheh.
Next up: A brief visit to the Citadel to find out where to go next and to allay Shepard's fears that the Council is going to sack her for her temerity to do what they told her to do, followed by a lovely daytime expedition to Vermire.
A note for the curious: While I may play some games with pacing (Shepard's kiss, knowledge of Vermire, etc.) and veer wildly into the woods with regards to motive, the actual events will continue to follow the story of the games for the most part.
Additionally, while I never ended up implementing the "cutting room floor" for this story, I am going to put together a "side quest" fic consisting of events featuring the characters from this work. This will be canon, and feature things like hunting Dr. Saleon for Garrus, dealing with the slimy politician on the presidium, and the first encounter with Cerberus. It's mostly because I want to keep the main fic relatively focused, while still having a chance to explore some of the fun character interactions that are a huge part of what makes Mass Effect (and its fan fiction) enjoyable. Expect the first one of these to go up sometime in the next couple weeks, after which I will be attending Burning Man once again and will be out of contact until next month.
Until next time,
- Hamhammer