AN: I'm alive! Please read the AN at the end :). What's just happened: Lily, James and Sirius went to attack Dearborn's house.
Chapter Thirty-Six: Pain Pays the Income of Each Precious Thing
When Lily woke up the next morning she was alone, but the blankets had been tucked tightly around the curve of her back. She stayed motionless for a long moment, her eyes still closed, breathing in the spicy, slightly ashy scent that belonged to James and James alone.
She eventually managed to pry her eyelids open. The lashes were matted together with crusted tears – strange; she did not remember crying – but she felt infinitely better. The bed was warm, her body refreshed, and her mind rejuvenated. She had only done what she needed to do. It would not be so difficult next time.
Filled with new resolve, Lily sat up and swung her legs off the bed. It was getting close to nine a.m. Bellatrix had to be getting desperate to know what had happened last night. Changing into new robes of blue silk provided by Narcissa the day before, Lily hastily brushed her teeth and padded down to the dining room.
"Good morning," she said as she entered.
She stopped short as the grouping of people around the table looked up. There were more than she had expected; Bellatrix, Narcissa, Rodolphus and Lucius were all still there, along with Karkarov and an elegantly rumpled Sirius. Lily furtively scanned the seats for James. Not there. She suppressed a sharp surge of what might almost have been disappointment. He had held her for so long last night, and it had felt so warm… she had wanted to see his face again, if only to know what he thought of her breakdown.
"The conquering warrior returns!" Bellatrix said exultantly, bounding to her feet. "Come, sit!"
Lily's lips twitched unintentionally at the sheer enthusiasm in her sister's voice. She allowed herself to be folded into a chair.
"Hardly a conquering warrior, Bella," Sirius drawled. "A little far, don't you think?"
"Have some toast," Bellatrix said, ignoring him. She thrust several pieces of browned bread onto Lily's plate and shot a look at Rodolphus, who dutifully pushed the butter down the table towards them. Amused at the unspoken communication between husband and wife, Lily began eating.
There was a silence as she was chewing, but the minute she swallowed Bellatrix pounced. "How did it go last night?"
"Yes, tell us," Narcissa said, almost eagerly. Even Lucius seemed interested.
"Well," Lily hedged, "surely Sirius has told you most of it already?"
"Alas, she seems not to consider me a worthy bard," he said. The look he shot her glimmered with something undecipherable. "It seems the tale I told her, of you fainting at the sight of blood and induced to perform a Crucio with only the greatest encouragement, failed to meet with her approval."
Lily's eyes narrowed imperceptibly. She had not fainted, but neither had she cast a single spell on Dearborn last night. What was Sirius playing at? He had told two lies, one which would help her and one which wouldn't. To play for time, she took a sip of tea, swirling the hot liquid around in her mouth for long seconds, thinking frantically. She had the chance to tell her own story. It was going to have to be an excellent one, to both fool the Dark Lord and get her what she wanted.
"As you very well know, Sirius, I certainly didn't faint," she said with studied unconcern. "I admit I needed a little bit of help for the Crucio, though. It was my first time."
"Perfectly understandable," Narcissa murmured. Her tone was only lightly mocking.
"Yes, indeed," Bellatrix agreed readily. "But this is excellent, Lily! Your very first mission for the Dark Lord. What an asset you'll be!"
"Yes," Lily said. Her appetite had fled, and she pushed a piece of half-eaten toast around on her plate without eating it. Hopefully she had managed to walk the fine line between uselessness and competence. Too much of the former, and she'd be shut out of the inner circle; too much of the latter, and she'd be expected to take the Mark, forging a soul-deep connection to the Dark Lord she certainly did not want, no matter how far she was prepared to go in her plan to get what she wanted.
"She won't be an asset. She's absolutely useless," Sirius announced abruptly.
Lily jolted. As one, the entire table turned to look at him. He looked back at her unblinkingly, his eyes glittering, studied unconcern in every line of his lithe body. What the hell was he playing at now?
"Would you like to repeat that?" Bellatrix inquired sharply.
He lifted one shoulder in a lazy shrug. "I said, she's absolutely –"
He broke off midsentence as Narcissa, rising to her feet, knocked over a teacup. It teetered and spilt, the brown warmth soaking rapidly into the pristine white tablecloth.
"Dear me!" she said. Her voice was smooth with insincerity. "My deepest apologies to the table; we had better depart to finish breakfast elsewhere. I must go and see to a new tablecloth. Do come with me, Lily." She swept off without looking behind her, the rustle of her silken silver robes the only sound in the dead silence she left in her wake.
Wordlessly Lily followed her. Why on earth had Sirius tried to throw her in the deep end like that? Whatever her cousin was playing at, it could be nothing good. Thank God Narcissa had been there to stem him; who knew what might have come out of his mouth, otherwise? Filled equally with bemusement and irritation, she lengthened her stride to catch up with her sister.
Lily spent the morning pacing the house restlessly. To her surprise, she had not yet been called to give an accounting of the night before to the Dark Lord. Instead, Bellatrix had told her to amuse herself, with the bracing remark – no doubt intended to be encouraging – that she would probably see him at lunch. Bored, Lily wandered through the corridors. She saw nobody on her travels, not even Sirius or James. How was she going to find Marlene like this?
She gave up at lunchtime and descended to the dining room, lightheaded at the prospect of encountering the Dark Lord. Her mental shields were ironclad, and she had rehearsed her tale of last night countless times in her head. Initially, she had not planned to pretend she herself had cast a Crucio; Sirius could not be counted on to corroborate her. Yet for inexplicable reasons of his own, he himself had been the one to pretend she had done so, allowing her to weave a new story of the night – a story where she took part in the torture, her hands as bloody as the boys'.
Lily need not, however, have concerned herself. When she entered the dining room she found it distinctly devoid of the Dark Lord, and imperceptibly her body straightened as the strain left her shoulders.
"Lily, there you are," Bellatrix called imperiously. She had positioned herself at the head of the table, which boasted a new stainless cloth, and Lily bit back a smile at Lucius Malfoy's determinedly impassive face. No doubt he was fuming at the usurpation. Her sister and brother-in-law, both overbearing personalities, had never quite managed to see eye-to-eye.
She folded into the chair Bellatrix waved her into and flicked a glance over her fellow diners. Unlike the morning breakfasts, which were more akin to a buffet, lunch was a formal affair, and almost every seat was full as people waited to be served. Sirius sat across from her, toying with his cutlery; James was absent.
"It's time for you to meet more people," Bellatrix said. "These are our lord's servants, and they must know your name. Here are the Carrow siblings, Alecto and Amycus –" a dark-skinned brother and sister, their gazes flat as they nodded at her – "Corban Yaxley" – a man slightly older than her, his dark blond hair falling in a curtain round his face – "Flavius Flint" – who had truly terrible teeth –
The list went on. Lily dipped her head mechanically at each new face as they went around the table, then frowned as they arrived at one which seemed rather more familiar than the others.
"And you probably know Severus Snape," Bellatrix said. "Graduated only last year, didn't you, Snape?"
"Yes," he said. His voice was low, emotionless, but Lily shifted at the shine of his dark eyes as they rested on her. He was a sallow young man, thin almost to the point of boniness, with a hooked nose that dominated his features and black hair which gleamed greasily in the sunlight. Yet there was a quick, sharp intelligence in his face, and he examined Lily with unsettling closeness, as though he could spear straight through her mind. She was glad to move on.
Introductions done, they got to eating, having been served by a single house-elf Narcissa had managed to scrounge up. Lily made a mental note to ask her what had happened to the rest of them; after all, a house as wealthy as the Malfoys ought to own more house-elves than they knew what to do with. She was just licking the last of her consommé from her spoon when a thud, followed by a low groan sounded from somewhere in the hallway outside.
As one, the room stiffened. Its inhabitants froze, hands creeping towards wands as they turned, waited to see what the doorway would disgorge.
They did not have to wait long. Lily's fingers tightened around her wand handle, then loosened in shock, as Remus Lupin appeared in the entrance. It was however Remus as she had never seen him. His face was covered in a pale grey sheen of sweat and the bruises around his eyes were not just purple but black, the built-up blood swelling outwards in mottled bulbs. He was wearing the same clothes as when Lily had seen him last, but they were dark with mud and filth, and ragged rips adorned the fabric. Lily exhaled in an airless wheeze. What the hell had happened to him? He stared into the room, eyes distant and unseeing.
Lily heard a sound. It took her a moment to identify it as a snarl of pure fury, and another moment to identify it as originating from Sirius. Her cousin's face was transformed with rage; he pushed back from the table in one violent move, jumping to his feet.
"Greyback," he said.
It was not a question, but Remus nodded, his eyes clearing as they landed on Sirius.
"No," he said. He had to clear his throat before he could speak, and when he did so it was in a low rasp, as though his vocal cords had undergone prolonged abuse. "No – Padfoot…"
Ignoring him, Sirius turned to Lily, who had also risen without realising it. "See to him," he said harshly. Without waiting for her acknowledgement he stalked out of the room.
The entire table of Death Eaters stared at Remus. A slow simmer starting in her blood, Lily rounded the table and threw herself at him, barely managing to catch him as he swayed and fell. She staggered under his weight.
"Cissy, we need a Healer!" she snapped.
Her voice broke the spell. Narcissa jumped up, and even Bellatrix held her tongue as they levitated an unconscious Remus to the nearest sofa. After last night, Lily had not thought she had any sensitivities left in her, yet nausea still touched her throat as she gently peeled Remus's robes away from his skin. In places they were glued together with blood. Claw marks scored his pale flesh.
She closed her eyes and began murmuring charms to help until the Healer could arrive.
AN: First of all: I'm alive! I am very sorry to leave you all hanging like this, particularly since I appreciate that it was the middle of a pandemic so sudden disappearances might be more concerning than usual. I and my family are fine, and I hope all my readers are too :) I would love to hear from all my old friends and reviewers (and new ones too of course) so I know you're good!
To explain my disappearance last summer, basically what happened is that I started suffering from a LOT of stress about what I would do after I graduated from uni. It was the end of my second year; I had only one year to go and absolutely nothing lined up for after graduation. Plus then all the news article were about how the graduate jobs market had collapsed because of COVID. I'm not someone who writes fanfic to release stress. I can only write when I'm not stressed, and I was in a pretty bad mindset where I spent every waking worrying about my employability. That unfortunately meant no fanfic writing.
Things are thankfully a lot better now! I've been offered a job with a law firm which will start in a couple years, after I finish law school first (which starts in September). Knowing what I'm doing next with my life has relieved a lot of pressure and I feel happy writing again. My time is slightly strained because I'm also doing an internship this summer, but I can make it work. In other life news, I graduated from uni last month!
Story news: this is a filler chapter, and I'm sorry for that. However, I wanted to update sooner with a shorter chapter rather than make you wait longer for a longer one, as it's been such a while since the last one. I promise you'll like the next chapter :D