Chapter 26; Arya's Story
Characters of the Chapter
Arya Stark Junior Grey Warden
Brandon Stark, also known as the Three Eyed Raven, mage advisor to the court of King Jon
Daenerys Targaryen, The Mother of Dragons, the Khaleesi of the Great Grass Sea, the Unburnt, the Breaker of Chains, Queen of the of the Andals, the Rhoynar and the First Men of the South, Queen of the South Kingdom of the Twin kingdoms and Protector of the Realm
Jon Snow, also known as Aegon Targaryen and Jon Stark, King of the North Kingdom of the Twin Kingdoms
Nathaniel Howe Commander of the Grey in Westeros
Sansa Stark, Lady of Winterfell and the Eyrie, Wardeness of the North
Thom "Blackwall" Rainier Senior Grey Warden, assigned to Westeros
"So, here we are at last. The moment of truth." Arya said as the Grey Wardens rode slowly through the army camp, her eyes fixed on Winterfell.
"Still feeling nervous?" Blackwall asked as the two brought their horses to a halt while Nathaniel and the others rode on.
"Yeah. I try to tell myself I should not be. It's not working." She said.
"You know, if I had a sister that I had not seen or heard of in years I'd be elated to see her again." He commented.
"Even if she had vanished without a trace and when you finally see her again she turns out to have joined the Grey Wardens?" She asked.
"Even then. Perhaps especially then." He assured.
Arya could not help but smile. "Thanks. That makes me feel a lot better. Hopefully it will go as you say."
"If you want to leave this until later... we could always go elsewhere. " He then said.
"No. I've been putting this off for long enough already. It will be awkward as all hells, but I might as well get this over with now. No good will come of delaying it any further And it's not as if part of me hasn't wanted to do this all along." She said. "And there will be enough camping in the wilderness in the days and weeks ahead. A chance to sleep on a real bed is worth even an awkward family reunion. We need supplies and a proper rest before moving on. It would be selfish for me to deprive you of that because I got cold feet."
"The last time I was here was when we were facing off the dead. I remember wights pouring over those walls like water… And I remember riding off with the Hound after the battle, thinking I was seeing the place where I had been born for the last time. For many years that was exactly how it was. It seems everywhere I go in Westeros there is some bad memory just waiting for me." She contemplated after a brief silence.
"Surely there are good memories around as well?" Blackwall said.
"There are. A lot of them here." She admitted. "But the good memories are not as many."
"Come on. I have a lot of catching up to do and I'm not going to be any closer to being up to date standing here." She said then and the two urged their horses onward, catching up with the others with a quick spurt of speed.
They found the gates closed and a pair of guards standing watch, one rather thin and another rather fat. Nathaniel dismounted and went to speak with them.
"Greetings. We are Grey Wardens. I am Nathaniel, our commander. We are on our way to a mission of great importance, and as such we would appreciate a chance to rest at Winterfell before continuing on with our journey. And the opportunity to trade for fresh provisions before we have to carry onwards." He said to the guards.
"What in the Seven Hells is a Grey Warden?" Asked the thinner of the two, frowning.
"Mercenary company most likely. Winterfell is closed to visitors until we are told otherwise. And we have little enough food for our own without giving it to random strangers who come asking. If you want to get hired come back when it's spring. Plenty of work for sellswords then." Said the fatter.
"We aren't mercenaries, and as I said we are on an important mission." Nathaniel said, a slight irritation in his voice now. "If we might be allowed to speak with the King or the Queen, or perhaps Lady Sansa if those two are unavailable. We would like to present our case to the people in charge, so…"
"Those people are way too busy to spend any time being bothered by the likes of you. Just who in the hells do you take yourselves for?" The fatter guard interrupted. "Now on your way, go. Or next we won't be asking nicely."
"I can't believe it… you two!?" Arya said, riding to the forefront just as Nathaniel was about to continue arguing. "You were here the last time I came home. I thought for certain the dead had chewed you to bits. Or that the Orlesians would have gutted you. At the very least I expected that you would have been told to find some other job. But no. Here you two are, at the exact same job, somehow managing to be on watch on the same day I return home. If I left right now and returned in a few years would you two idiots still be there to greet me when I came back here?"
For a moment the guards seemed confused. Then their eyes went wide as they recognized her. "Lady Arya!? Forgive us, we did not see… we did not expect… where did… it's been…" The fat one stammered.
"…a very long time. I know. Just what I was saying. But now I'd like to see my family if they are home." She finished for him.
"Yes, yes of course. Please, come with us and we will bring you to them right away. But these others…" The thinner one said.
"… Are with me. If you turn them away, you turn me away. I'm sure my family would be *very* pleased to hear you had gone and done that, no? Now open the damn gates and let us in." She said.
"Nicely done." Nathaniel commented as the grey Wardens rode through the gate.
"Thanks. There's some advantage in being related to the family that owns the place. Plus we were in luck I had met those two idiots before and they remembered me." She replied.
"Oh, by the way, if at some point you are offered bread and salt make sure everyone eats some of it. It's a local tradition to tell you that guests are welcome and under the protection of their host. It tells you that your hosts won't harm you and you are not to harm them. It would be very rude of you to refuse." She added.
"Blackwall and I are aware of the custom. We'll make sure everyone else knows too. Good of you to remind us." He said.
They brought their horses to the stables, then headed in the direction of the main hall. The guards were guiding them, but in her case there was hardly any need. Even after eight years of being elsewhere she knew this castle like the back of her hand. Everywhere she looked she saw places and people that brought back memories, both good and bad.
On the way here she had noticed the enormous blackened remnants of the Orlesian camp still visible despite the snow. But inside the castle there were little signs that the castle had been laid siege to, although she did note that the outer gates had looked rather new. Maybe they had been battered down during some Imperial assault, then rebuilt. She did not know. She lacked a lot of specifics about what had happened during the siege, but she was glad that her old home had for the most part survived.
The biggest change was the people. There were a few familiar faces here and there, but most were new. He noticed quite a few of the former watching as the entourage walked past and the latter were also lured by their reactions. Those more familiar to her were whispering in the ears of the unfamiliar ones, and one by one their eyes were widening in awe. She tried to tell herself most of them were watching the Grey Wardens in general. With their uniforms of white and blue and silvery steel they made for quite an impressive sight. But she could not pretend that most of their eyes were not fixed specifically on her. Nor could she pretend not to hear them whisper her name despite their attempt to keep quiet. And the other things they were saying about her besides:
"The slayer of the Night King."
"The Hero of Winterfell."
"The Savior of the North."
Even "The Princess that was promised."
Maybe that was inevitable that this happened. In the South she still had a chance of going unnoticed, her name meaning nothing to any of the people there. But in the North very few people would have forgotten the one whose dagger had ended the long night before it had even had a chance to truly begin. If anything her story might have grown into something rather disproportionate as it had passed from storyteller to storyteller over the years. She might have preferred for that not to happen. She had never sought to be hero. A fighter, yes, but not a hero. That was just a byproduct of trying to do some good and protect her family. But there was no help for her reputation. She just had to live with it.
The whole castle would know of her return within the hour. The rest of the North probably in a week or two. She just wanted to get to tell her family she was home before anyone else. They deserved to get those news from her rather than second hand from someone else.
They were brought to the great hall, where they found her family at dinner. The sight of them made her heart leap to her throat, leaving her unable to move or speak. She noticed the Dragon Queen amongst the others and a child of seven or eight she did not recognize. But so fixated she was on her siblings that for the moment those two barely registered.
As the group filed into the hall her family paused in their eating and regarded them with some puzzlement. Her hesitation left her hidden behind the backs of the other wardens.
"Yes? What is it?" Jon asked.
The two guards began to stammer out an explanation before Nathaniel spoke out. "My name is Nathaniel, Your Grace. I am the commander of the Grey Wardens in Westeros. There is someone who has come to meet you. Later there are matters of importance to discuss. But that can wait for a while."
"Someone? Who?" Jon asked.
The Grey Wardens stepped aside, revealing her. With Jon and Sansa the reaction was almost immediate. Thy both stood up at the same time in astonishment. Bran gave a very small smile imperceptible to anyone other than Arya, but no other reaction. Daenerys took perhaps the longest to recognize her, giving her a long look before her eyes widened in surprise as well. The boy of course did not recognize her at all, but from the reactions of the adults he could tell that this one was someone significant.
A stunned silence reigned in the hall. Arya was left standing there, mouth opening and closing repeatedly as she tried to think of something to say. The whole way here she had been thinking of what to do and say when this moment came. But now that she was in the moment all her thoughts and ideas had deserted her.
"Hello Jon. Sansa. Bran." She finally managed. "Poor and inadequate" she thought at once, but nothing else came to mind.
"Arya." Jon said hoarsely. He walked around the table and stood before her. He took gentle hold of her shoulders and looked at her like he was afraid she was some mirage that would disappear any second now.
"That's me." She said quietly, managing a smile.
With that Jon caught her in a tight hug, which she returned. When they parted Sansa had rounded the table as well, and she and Arya embraced in turn.
"Welcome home." Jon said, all smiles. "Robb, come meet you aunt Arya." He motioned at the boy, and Robb hesitantly walked to her. Arya knelt down and smiled at him, while Robb looked uncertain what to think about this woman who he was told was his long lost aunt.
"Hello. So your name is Robb? It's a good name. It was my brother's." She said, trying to break the ice.
Robb simply nodded cautiously and said nothing.
Arya smiled again. "It's alright if you don't trust me yet. You don't know me. I'm just some stranger that came out of nowhere, claiming to be your aunt. Perhaps with time, when you learn what I am, you'll trust me then. But you can take your time."
Jon continued to smile at her, pleased to have her home at long last. But then there was a slight frown as well. "Arya, where have you been all this time? Almost a decade, and we never had any word from you. What happened? Why didn't you send any messages?" He asked. Arya was relieved to hear no anger in his voice, just insistence; a desire to understand.
"I… I…" Arya stammered, standing up again, eyes cast down, the joy of meeting her nephew and her family fading away. How was she ever going to explain this?
"Why are you in a Warden uniform?" Sansa asked.
"Because… I am one of them." Arya said.
"What? When did you…why did you…?" Sansa said.
"I thought I had made myself understood when I told you the Right of Conscription did not apply in Westeros?" Daenerys addressed Nathaniel, her tone accusatory.
"She is not conscripted. She's a volunteer. And her recruitment did not occur in Westeros." Nathaniel said.
"He's telling the truth. This was my choice." Arya said.
"Really? And how did that come to be? What have you been up to all these years?" Jon asked.
"…It's a very long story." Arya said.
"Well, its winter, we aren't going anywhere and I don't think we had anything specific planned for today. I think this is as good a time as any for long stories. And this one I think I'd like to hear." Jos said.
"Yes, definitely." Sansa said.
"For bringing my sister home Winterfell's hospitality is yours. You said there were other matters you wished to discuss, and we will, as soon as we are done talking with her." Jon told the other Wardens. "You two. See to it that bread and salt is brought to them." He commanded the two guards that had escorted them here.
"If we could have the room?" He said then and with that people began filing out. Robb looked at his father to see if he was to leave as well, to which Jon nodded.
Arya noted that the boy was apparently already used to leaving a situation when adults were having private conversations, likely a product of his princely upbringing. A day would come when he would be included in such conversations, but that time was not yet. "Just as well." She thought. Her story was likely not one fit for his ears. Good thing Jon understood this also.
It did not escape her notice to see two guards who had been standing watch in the hall have their eyes on the young prince the moment he began to leave, nor the eyes of Jon, Daenerys and Sansa on the guards to ensure they were doing this. Quite a different experience from what she remembered form her own childhood, where they were allowed to roam the halls of Winterfell freely so long as they attended to their lessons and remained within the confines of the castle. Clearly security measures had been increased in the wake of the ongoing war and what she had heard of assassins sent to Winterfell by the Orlesian Empire. But these thoughts brought another pang of guilt for not being there when it had all happened, and she quickly put them out of her mind.
Daenerys was about to leave as well until Jon stopped her by gently placing a hand on her shoulder. "Stay. Please. You're family. You've a right to." He told her. Daenerys nodded, a slight smile on her lips, and stayed put.
Jon offered Arya a chair. "So… tell us what has happened since last we saw you." He said as he and the others seated themselves, Arya seated opposite to them.
For a moment Arya said nothing. "I'm sorry. I'm not sure where to start."
"I'm no expert on storytelling, but I hear a story is best started in the beginning." Sansa said.
Arya laughed at that. It was true enough. But where was the beginning? Where had the seeds of this story truly been planted? Pondering this Arya reached out and poured herself a cup of the wine her family had been having with their dinner. She emptied that cup with a few gulps for encouragement, then poured herself another. She considered for a brief while longer, then began telling her story:
"On the day King's Landing was taken, I was there. I had gone there to kill Cersei. The Hound… Sandor was with me, hunting his brother. With the city preparing for an assault we got into the Red Keep without much trouble. Most of the guards were at the walls, and what remained in the keep couldn't tell us apart from all the civilians that had been permitted inside the castle. As the dragon was burning the Iron Fleet and assaulting the walls, we found Cersei, confronting her and her Hand on a staircase leading up one of the keep's towers. She had probably intended to flee when she realized the battle was lost. She only had her Queensguard to protect her. They did try to stop us, but aside from the mountain they weren't much of an obstacle for the two of us."
"And the Mountain?" Jon asked.
"He hadn't attacked with the rest. He wanted to face Sandor on his own, I'd wager. When he and Sandor saw each other they had no interest in anything else. Cersei tried to order the Mountain to stay by her side. When her Hand tried to enforce that order, the Mountain killed him. Bashed his head open on a wall and threw him down the steps. With that Cersei realized there was no one left to defend her. She took one look at me, and fled back up the stairs. I chased after her, while Sandor faced his brother."
"You didn't stay to fight with him?" Sansa asked.
"No. Maybe I should've, but I didn't. I was too starved for my own vengeance. And I doubt he would have appreciated my intervention." Arya said, a look of regret on her face, before resuming the telling:
"I cornered her on the top floor of the tower, where she had been observing the battle unfolding. Once she understood there was nowhere to run… she begged me to spare her."
"She begged you? I have a hard time picturing that." Daenerys said.
"Indeed. Doesn't exactly sound like her." Sansa added.
"I couldn't believe it myself when it happened. This haughty bitch incapable of humility, or mercy, or guilt? Arrogance personified. And she was on her knees, begging for me let her live, something I would have thought she would never do. Not that I was going to be deterred despite my surprise. When it became clear that she was not going to survive she pleaded instead for the life of the child inside her. That was almost enough to make me listen. I considered taking her somewhere and letting her live long enough to give birth, then putting an end to it. But... in the end she had hurt far too many people, my family included. I had waited for my vengeance long enough, and I would wait no more."
"Well, damn…" Jon quietly breathed.
Arya nodded before continuing. "I put Needle through her heart. A quick end, like I have been taught to give. Perhaps she deserved worse than that, but after what she had asked I just wasn't in the mood. I just wanted to get it over with. But as life left her eyes what I had just done hit home. I had killed an unborn child. Whatever the crimes of the mother, the child was an innocent. I had expected to feel a sense of completion, something. Instead I just felt hollow, and regret for a life I should not have taken, that didn't get to live at all. With that I just… fell apart somehow. Some dam broke inside me, and all the hurts that had happened to me, all the things I had done… just poured out of me in a torrent. "
She chuckled. "You should have seen the bawling mess I turned into. It was pathetic really."
"Well, just as I managed to get myself together enough to consider leaving, Euron Greyjoy found me there, having survived the destruction of his fleet. He figured out what I had done quickly enough, and he was very, very offended. He had wanted Cersei as a personal prize and I was a thief who had stolen it. That man had never been on my list, but I did what I had to do to defend myself. He was good. Faster than you would think too. Toughest damn fight of my life to date. He very nearly killed me. Left a nice long scar on me to remember him by. Right here." She said, tracing a line from her left shoulder to just beneath her neck.
"Well, obviously since I am sitting here telling you a story, I won that fight. I found Sandor's body on my way out of the tower, along with that of his brother. I don't know exactly what happened, but… it looked as if Sandor had had to douse his brother in lamp oil and set him on fire. Gods, he had overcome his own fear of fire to do it. I knew how badly he feared it. To show such bravery in his last moments… I hope I can show half as much when it's my time."
"So it was you who killed Cersei and Euron? We spent a lot of time investigating that matter you know. Sent for a Maester to examine their bodies and everything. But at no point did any of us think to connect you or your disappearance to this. Nor did any of us guess that Sandor Clegane had been there, though he had vanished around the same time as well. We did find his body but at the time we had no idea it was him." Daenerys commented.
"I'm not surprised. He had been very badly mauled. I only recognized him because of the armor he wore." Arya replied. "When I saw his body… I almost broke down again, because on some level I understood that it was my fault."
"His brother killed him. What makes you think you had anything to do with that?" Sansa asked.
"Aye, his brother did the killing. But I had left him there, alone. We could have fought his brother together. Had I been there, had I not been so consumed with my need for vengeance… maybe he could have survived." Arya said.
"I got out of the keep through secret tunnels I knew of. I didn't feel like talking to anyone I knew at the time. Too much turmoil in my head that I needed to sort out. And I had no desire to explain what I had done to anyone. Not long after those events my wounds went bad and I got very, very sick. So sick I knew I wasn't going to get better on my own. I managed to find a family of healers in King's landing who took me in. Not as good as a Maester obviously, but better than nothing, and all I could find on such short notice." She said.
"Generous of them to help you. I hear people in King's Landing are often not the type." Jon commented.
"Generous? Not what I would call it. They took every last bit of coin I had as *payment* and I have no doubt they would have stolen anything else of value I owned if I had not hidden it all before seeking them out." She countered.
"Anyway, the sickness that had gripped me proved a difficult case indeed. For weeks I teetered between life and death, and no one knew for sure which way I was going to go. I don't know how I pulled through that, but I did. Some stubborn part of me just refused to let me die. As soon as the family were sure I was going to live and could stand on my own two feet they kicked me out of their house to fend for myself. Nothing personal on their part really. They made their living by treating the sick and injured and I had taken up space for too long and eaten too much of their food."
"After I was well enough I tried looking for the last name on my list, one by the name of Ilyn Payne."
"The one that executed your father I hear?" Daenerys said.
"The very same. On the orders of *King* Joffrey." Arya said, the word king said with such a sneer it made clear her opinion of that particular monarch. "A few inquiries later I found out he had died of dysentery of all things, with no one to even properly note his passing. I wish I had go to him first, but no such luck. With that I realized my list was complete, everyone left on it dead, either by my hand or because of something else. I came to the shocking conclusion that in killing her I had killed my own purpose. And… as a result… I didn't know what do with myself anymore. I mean, what does a person who has lived for vengeance for so long do once their vengeance is theirs?"
"One starts again. Builds a new life for themselves." Jon offered.
"That was more or less the conclusion I came to. But even so I was at a loss on how to do that. I had lived for my vengeance for so long I didn't know what else I was for if not that. Maybe things would have been different had I chosen to leave my vengeance behind. Then I would have taken the first steps myself, instead of having circumstances make the choice for me. But why would I have done that? I was never going to without someone pushing me, and there was no one there to do that. Well, maybe Sandor, but with him after his own revenge something really dramatic would have had to happen to make him try to deny me.
"I stayed in King's Landing, surviving and trying to sort things out. For the longest time I didn't have a good answer for myself. I was a hollow, broken creature that could keep itself alive but didn't know who it was or what it wanted anymore. Those healers could cure my body, but there was nothing they could do to fix a wounded soul."
"Why didn't you just come home?" Jon asked.
"I could have done that. And I'm not saying I wasn't considering it. But even if I had gone home that would not have not solved my problem. I wasn't going to marry, and at the time it seemed there was going to be no more war in Westeros, so I could not serve as a soldier even if you allowed it. And you are not one to use assassins, Jon. Sansa here might but I doubt you'd let her. And I'm not sure if I would want to be that either. So I had a home to be sure, but I'd have been just as bereft of purpose here as I was in King's Landing. A home wasn't what I needed."
"If you needed a new purpose we could have still helped you look. Do you for a moment think we would not have? We were your family. And you just left us behind, without as much as a word of goodbye." Sansa said.
"I know. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt any of you with that choice. But with everything that had happened, everything I had gone through… I had to get away from all of it. Just drop everything and make a completely fresh start for myself, without any baggage, any ties, any memories of the past holding me back. I… I think I was running away. Not what I would choose to do today, but at the time it felt like the only way I had a chance of getting my head on straight." Arya said.
"That's enough of that. She's home now." Jon said to Sansa. "Please, Arya, continue." He then said to the younger of his sisters.
"Well, I had concluded that I needed to leave everything behind, I decided to see what was west of Westeros. No one knows what lies in that direction except ocean. I wanted to be the first to see what lay beyond our maps. But I didn't have a lot of money, especially not after those healers. And hiring a good ship and a crew crazy enough to sail it into the unknown proved to quite an expensive endeavor. I'm sure you would have provided me with both had I asked it of you. But for reasons I already explained I didn't want to come to you. So I got to work, earning, begging and stealing coin to build up towards my objective. But that was a very slow process. So slow in fact that before there was even the slightest chance of accomplishing it, the Thedosians showed up. With their arrival I altered my plans. I didn't have enough money for a ship of my own, but I did have enough to get myself a cabin. And Thedas… there was a part of the world no one in Westeros had been in yet. I'd have room to wander, to explore this strange and exotic new continent. I'd see places, and things, and people I could not have ever imagined. With luck while there I'd find a new reason to be."
"So you went to Thedas?" Jon asked.
"Uh-huh. That's where I have been for most of the time I have been gone. Sadly, I had taken too long getting there, spent too much time in a seemingly futile effort. On the journey there I ended up doing the one mistake a person who is looking for herself should never do: I gave up. By the time I made it to Thedas I had convinced myself I didn't care about finding a new purpose anymore, that I didn't need one."
"So what did you do there?" Sansa asked.
"Well, I had to make a living somehow. And I wanted to see the sights. So I started to work as a mercenary, figuring that would let me do both. Early on I understood that there was never any shortage of work in Thedas for people who know how to use a blade. And that happened to be something I was trained to very well. A few successful tasks later I had developed enough of a reputation to pick the jobs I wanted instead of the other way around. I never joined any group and only worked with others when the job required it. I settled into this hand to mouth existence. When I had coin I spent it on myself in short order. When I didn't have money I worked to gain more. Saw a lot of Thedas, a corner of the world unlike any I had experienced. Had a lot of adventures and met a lot of people. Killed many of them, became friends with others." Arya said.
"I didn't know it then but I was unhappy. I still lacked a purpose, and was trying to fill the void with short term indulgences, trying to convince myself that was what I wanted. And I had fallen into… what I would call battle slumber. I paid little attention of what I was being asked to do. So long as the pay was good and I didn't have to do anything involving children or animals, the rest didn't matter. I did a lot of things I'm not proud of, both on jobs and outside them. I don't think I was a very good person at the time."
"So how did you go from that to being a Grey Warden?" Sansa asked.
"I was just coming to that. So one evening I was at the Gnawed Noble tavern, one of the nicer taverns in Denerim, Ferelden's capital. I was falling over drunk. And I don't quite remember how, but I ended up in a fistfight. I do seem to remember I did something to start it. Not the first time that happened, though this time turned out to be totally different. The whole thing sort of escalated, became this big involved thing with lots of people drawn in for gods know what reasons. I don't think any of us remembered what the fight was about after a while. Along the way I wound up partnered with a man I didn't know. I say wound up, because I sure as hells didn't plan on it. We just happened to decide not to punch each other and somehow started fighting together. Ended up being the last two standing. We thanked each other for the help and introduced one another, and I learned that his name was Blackwall." She said.
"After that… I vomited on his boots and passed out." She added in a deliberately anticlimactic way, making Jon suppress a laugh.
"I expected that to end up like most such nights do: with me waking up in a cell of the local guardhouse, facing a fine and probably an angry tavern owner wanting compensation for the damage inflicted to his property. Instead I found out that Blackwall had already paid my fine and my share of the damages. He had even surrendered his room to me and had found himself somewhere else to sleep. That kind of generosity was very unusual to me, so of course I sought him out to thank him and to find out what his angle was. We ended up chatting quite a bit, and in the course of that he told me that he was a Grey Warden. I wasn't going to get his generosity go unrewarded, so eventually I asked if there was something that I could do in return. Happily enough there was a mission he was doing for the Wardens he could use help with. So I agreed to join him in that mission for free. First time I had agreed to do that mind you, but as far as I was concerned he had already paid me."
"Do you think getting your help was why she was so helpful to you?" Sansa asked.
"It smoothed things over, sure. But that wasn't why he did it according to him, and I trust him. Meeting me was quite an accident after all. He had no way of knowing if I would offer my services to him in return." Arya said.
"So why did he do it?" Jon asked.
"He said that he was just impressed how I handled myself in a fight, especially considering how drunk I was at the time. He also said that I reminded him of himself when he was younger. He never said it in so many words, but I think he recognized how lost I was, and he took pity. He never tried to tell me what to do with my life, but perhaps he was secretly hoping that with a bit of kindness I would be open to being mentored, steered towards a better path, like he had been steered once." She said.
"In any case we did the job together as agreed, and that turned out to be the start of a friendship between Blackwall and me. After the first job I worked for him and the Wardens several more times, more and more as time went by. In the process I learned a lot about what Wardens are and what they do. And I was intrigued. They are a family of sorts, brought together not by blood, but by shared experiences. And I learned about the things they fight. My journeys with them brought us to dark places, evil places, but they did a lot of good, and I helped. Their cause felt more worthy than anything I had done in a long while. The more time I spent with them, the more I became aware of a feeling of longing within me. I didn't just want to work with the Wardens in passing, for coin. I desired to have the comradeship they had for one another. I desired for their cause to be mine as well. I desired to have a reason to be again, through them. So inevitably I talked to Blackwall about joining up and becoming a Warden myself." She continued.
"So he accepted and you became one of them? Is that what happened?" Jon asked.
"No. He actually turned me down that time. Said I didn't know what I was asking for and before I made that choice I should understand what it entailed, what was required for one to actually become a Grey Warden. So instead I started to work exclusively for the Grey Wardens, moved to live at their base they had in the Arling of Amaranthine. I learned a lot more about the Order and what would it take to become one of them. Some of it because it was explained to me, some of it because I have gotten damn good at figuring out secrets over the years."
"So what is needed to become a Grey Warden? The way you are talking about it seems there is more to it than signing a paper and swearing an oath." Sansa asked.
"I'm sorry, I can't tell you. There are a number of things that are not to be spoken of to anyone who is not a Grey Warden. That is one of them. But nothing that I learned made me change my mind, and eventually I asked again to join the order. And this time I was accepted. Turns out that for all that I had learned I didn't truly understand what it meant to join the Grey Wardens. Something like that you have to live through to understand. Still, I don't regret the choice I made. If I was asked to do it again now that I do know, I would." Arya said.
"How long has it been since you joined them?" Jon asked.
"Not long. I guess I have been a Warden for about a year now. Still a junior member of the order, but one of them even so. Served most of that time in Amaranthine, came here just after the war with Orlais. That's more or less the story." She finished.
There was a silence in the room, the occupants unsure what to make of Arya's tale or how to proceed from here.
"Was… was there ever a moment while you were away that you thought about coming home?" Jon finally asked.
"Yes. After I heard about the Orlesian invasion. When I heard I asked to be allowed to come here and fight for you. To protect you. It was enough to bring me back the first time I was off wandering the world, and it would have been enough to bring me back now. When my superiors in the Wardens told me that I couldn't I argued with them. Very loudly, very rudely. I was planning on coming here anyway, of sneaking away and finding a smuggler to bring me to Westeros, even knowing disobeying orders could land me in serious trouble with the Wardens." She said.
"But I take it you didn't carry out those plans in the end?" He said.
"No." She admitted quietly.
"Why?" He asked, frowning.
"…You once told me of an incident when the War of the Five King's had just started. You wanted to ride South to fight with Robb. To rescue me, Sansa and our father and to put a sword through Joffrey's throat. You wanted it so badly you deserted the Night's Watch and rode off, even knowing that you would be executed if you were caught. But your friends in the watch found you first, reminded you of your duty, and brought you back. That was more or less what happened with me. By that time I already had other friends than Blackwall in the Wardens. People that had joined the same time as me. They were no fools and they had heard all about the argument I had had with my bosses. They figured out what I was about to do and confronted me about it, reminding me of my responsibility as a Warden. Blackwall was already in Westeros at the time, but he wrote to me as well. I wanted to tell them all to go to hell, but reluctantly I agreed to stay put. I was made to choose between two duties, just like you. And I chose." She said.
"But that doesn't mean I was in any way happy with that state of affairs. I spent every day hunting news about the war, worrying myself sick, unable to focus on anything else. My friends had to talk me down over and over again to keep me from running away. I understand if that seems like excuses. I wish I had been allowed to come. Maybe I should have regardless." She added.
"I wish you had been allowed to be here as well. Sure could have used you. But I remember the choice you mentioned. It's not an easy one. I respect the decision you made." Jon said.
Sansa nodded her agreement as well, though Arya could see a hunt of hidden reservation in her eyes. "That was quite story. I didn't expect you to come home a Grey Warden. But I must say you look well."
Arya returned the smile. "I am well. Whole once again, just in time for the reunion with my family."
"I was more than a little worried about coming here you know. I thought you might be angry for me being gone for so long without any word from me. I thought you might hate me. I'm glad that isn't the case." She added then.
"Arya, there is no state of the world where that would ever be true. Winterfell is your home. For as long as there are Starks living within these walls you'll always be welcome here. We're just happy to have you back here with us." Jon said.
"But this is not just a reunion is it?" Daenerys asked, having been contemplating in silence for some time. "Even during wartime Wardens would not be out in this number to escort a single person, especially one that by all accounts can handle herself. Particularly seeing as they are neutral and don't fight in our wars, a fact which has irked me to no end. And Nathaniel… he is much too busy to be escorting anyone around, even one such as you. He mentioned something about having important matters to discuss. The Wardens… you're on a mission. Is this related to the reports we have heard of darkspawn north of the wall?"
"You know of them already?" Arya asked, surprised.
"It's true. Nathaniel was going to tell you all about it, but it looks like he doesn't need to." She then confirmed. "We are going beyond the Wall to investigate. We are to find out where the darkspawn came from and how many they number. Destroy them if we can. But it's a long journey from King's Landing, so I suggested we stop here to rest and gather supplies we need before pressing forward. For me one of the reasons was of course that I figured it was high time I visited home and let you know I'm still alive and well, before continuing with this mission."
"Wait. Continuing? You'll leave again? But you just got home! Please don't go." Sansa said, almost pleading.
"Stay, please." Jon echoed.
"I'm sorry, I can't. I have responsibilities now." Arya said.
"I can talk with your commander. I sure he can be made to see reason. You can be released from your oaths and…" Jon offered.
"No." Arya said firmly, catching the others by surprise.
"I chose this life with both eyes open. But that means I must attend to the duties that come with it. I won't shirk them. I refuse to." She explained.
"And what of your duties to your family?" Sansa said in challenge.
"This is her choice, and it is made. We must allow her to go." Bran said, speaking up for the first time during the entire conversation.
"Bran, she's your sister too." Sansa argued.
"And so I respect her right to walk the path she chose for herself, as always. You should do so as well. It is not our place to detain her." He replied. Sansa and Jon cast their eyes down, realizing that Bran was in the right. Arya gave a nod of thanks to Bran, which he returned.
"It will be several days before we continue on our journey. Time enough for us to catch up. And I'll be able to come back afterwards. I already have Nathaniel's permission to stay at Winterfell until spring should the mission be complete then. With luck we will wipe out the darkspawn in short order. I'll be home quickly in that case. But if this is bigger, more than us wardens can manage on our own, then my fellow wardens are going to need me. Then every one of us will be required to make sure we get to come back to warn you and lead the fight against those things. I can't just abandon the Wardens any more than you could the people of the North. Not even for the sake of a reunion. Please understand that. And I'm not vanishing again, that I promise. My duties will take me away at times. Perhaps very far away and perhaps for very long times. But from now on so long as I live I'll always find my way back here eventually. And from now on I'll keep in touch." She said.
"… You only just got home after more than eight years elsewhere. I think we are all of us still trying to accept this as real and not some dream. It will be hard for us to watch you leave again so soon, even if it's your duty to go. But for your sake we will try to come to terms with it. I ask that you be patient with us in that. It has been a long time since we saw you last, after all." Jon said after a moment of silence.
"Now that you are here though, would you join us for dinner? I think there is enough for you too. We'll of course have food and drink sent to the other Wardens as well." He added.
"In that case gladly." Arya said with a smile. "While we eat it would be prudent to discuss with Nathaniel about our expedition, what we will be needing there. I'll fetch him for you." She said then, stood up and departed.
"Well, that was… something. I can't claim to know her well. Even when we were both here last we were in the same spaces only a few times, and we never really talked. But she seems rather different than last we saw her." Daenerys commented when the door had closed.
"Very different." Sansa said. "I tried to imagine what her homecoming would be like many times over the years. This was never what I pictured. Right now I'm not even sure I know her anymore. It seems like every time she goes away and comes back she's more a stranger."
Jon did not entirely share Sansa's sentiment, but even he was very surprised by this. He turned to Bran. "How long did you know that she was coming home?" He demanded.
"For quite some time." Bran said.
"And you didn't think it worthwhile to mention it to us?" Jon asked.
"…She came home and told you the story of where she has been, just as I had foreseen she would. There was nothing I would have had to add to that. The only meaningful difference was that this way she got to tell you her story herself and meet you on her terms, which is as it should be. So what exactly would you have had me tell you?" Bran replied.
To that none of them had a response.