"I imagine it's a positive experience, being able to see me on days when you're supposed to be in lessons with Claire." Jesse said as a greeting, closing the book he was reading and giving Rachel a smile that was equal parts smug and endearing. Or maybe it was only smug, but smug on Jesse St. James was almost endearing.

In any case.

"I know it's a surprise," Rachel acknowledged as she sat down and gave him a weak smile. "Considering I opted not to book us a rehearsal space."

It was Tuesday, and Claire had cancelled their afternoon session to watch rehearsals of a NYADA dance troupe that were staging a showcase after midterms. Claire wasn't part of the troupe, but she had mentioned something about staking out the competition or something to that effect. Instead of joining the dancer, Rachel had asked Jesse if he was available to meet up with her, and he had agreed. She had offered coffee instead of music lessons, though, which was why they were seated at a coffee shop that Jesse had indicated, a place that was cozy and sparsely populated, with mismatched furniture and softly-playing college radio music wafting from speakers and was situated a few blocks from the studio they usually met in.

Jesse tilted his head to the side as he regarded the girl. "I take it this is a social call."

"In a way, yes." Rachel nodded.

"And in other ways?"

Rachel didn't answer. Instead she focused on the book on the table, the title of which she couldn't see from her vantage point. She glanced up at Jesse. "I never pegged you as someone who reads a lot."

Jesse gave a small laugh. "Well, certainly not when I was at Carmel." His smile was almost self-deprecating. "Turns out I like reading, if it interests me."

Rachel had to smile back at that comment. "I can't believe I still have a bunch of things to read before midterms, considering I'm in a performing arts college."

"Mmhmm." Jesse hummed. "How's that going?"

"The reading?" Rachel clarified, and at his nod, shrugged. "It's... going. I suppose I should be glad that basic subjects like Math and Science are offset by classes such as History of Music and Arts."

Jesse grinned. "I'd much rather read about that, too."

Rachel grinned back, relaxing into their familiar banter even as she felt the gravity of what she really wanted to talk to him about weighing her down.

"I enjoyed your video upload from last night." Jesse remarked.

Rachel looked up from her perusal of the laminated sheet that served as a menu, which had been lying on the table.

"It must have been an interesting experience, singing from The Nightmare Before Christmas so close to summer." Jesse noted.

"I figured you would appreciate the effort." Rachel admitted.

Jesse, who was also reading through the menu, glanced up at her. "That's a flattering notion, but my opinion should be the least of your concern when choosing a song."

"You always comment on my insistence in choosing pop songs." Rachel reminded.

"Because most pop songs are simple." Jesse countered. He leaned forward, lowering the menu back onto the table. "Your voice is far and beyond the capability of most pop singers. You're doing yourself a disservice singing songs that don't challenge you. If you're going to be trite in your song choices, you might as well sing something more personal." He paused. "Do you still write songs?"

Rachel blinked, startled at the sudden inquiry, having previously been ready to defend her preference towards pop songs. Instead, she found herself being a little introspective as she considered how to answer.

Songwriting had been an outlet for her during her junior year, when she had discovered that she wasn't as close with her fellow glee club members as she liked to believe, and she had once again been dumped by Finn. Quinn had been reinstated to her status as head cheerleader, and Kurt, who was probably the closest thing she'd had to a friend - even though back then they were more friendly acquaintances than anything - had transferred to Dalton Academy as a response to Dave Karofsky's bullying. She was a girl with an abundance of feelings, and after a summer of developing what she'd thought to be a friendship with Quinn and Kurt and being in a dating relationship with Finn, having all those relationships removed had left her bereft of companionship (at the time she considered Mike and Noah her closest friends, but Mike had Tina and Puck tried to keep his distance since Finn kept harassing him about Puck's friendship with her).

Most of her songwriting efforts had been an abject failure, the use of a rhyming dictionary being one of the obvious failures of the endeavor.

Yes, maybe she shouldn't have feigned helplessness with Finn and citing My Headband and Only Child as examples of her work, but she'd been desperate. She had known that the biggest flaw in the Quinn-Finn relationship was that Finn was basically useless except for his status as quarterback as far as Quinn was concerned, and she had figured that if she could remind Finn how essential he had been to her, she could get him back.

Not that Finn had been particularly encouraging. In fact, in retrospect Rachel had to concede the point that the only person in Glee Club who had actually been helpful regarding writing their own compositions had been Quinn, even if Quinn had admitted to her once it was because she had been adopting a "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" approach to Rachel.

And Jesse, of course, who had encouraged New Directions to sing their own songs for Nationals in New York. She wondered if he ever regretted suggesting that, since it had been their composition "Pretending" that had gotten Finn and Rachel back together.

Not that Finn had written it himself, even though he'd said he did. The boys had all contributed to that song, as she would learn from Mike months later.

She digressed.

"Not lately, no." Rachel finally answered, after they had given their food order to the waitress.

"That's a shame. How about song arrangement? I recall you enjoying doing that." Jesse said.

Rachel shook her head. Rearranging Britney Spears' ...Oops I Did It Again into a pseudo-jazz number didn't count, since she knew it hadn't really worked.

"Hmm."

Jesse's frown was enough for Rachel to know he wasn't happy hearing any of that. She didn't like knowing she was disappointing him. "I'm sorry."

Jesse blinked, his expression showing his confusion as he frowned at her. "Why are you apologizing?"

"You're disappointed."

He shrugged. "I'd rather you challenging yourself instead of relying on me to force you into it, but there's no need to apologize. It's not like you're doing things on purpose just to offend me."

"Oh."

An uncomfortable silence followed, since they both knew exactly why Rachel had felt the need to apologize. The reason was six feet four inches tall and lived in Lima, Ohio - Rachel knew that Jesse was of the opinion that Finn Hudson often treated his relationship with Rachel as a hassle, that him dating her should be a privilege for her; and when she said or did something that he found contrary to him or his opinions, felt that it detracted from him in any way, it was her fault and never his.

It was as good a segue as any, she supposed.

She waited for their coffee to arrive, grateful that Jesse had chosen an isolated corner of the shop and that there was a reasonable din to their environment. It was the perfect mix of private and public.

She watched Jesse mix his coffee, and as he began to stir, she took a sip of her own cup of coffee before she spoke again. "I broke up with Brody."

If her gaze had been any higher than his cup of coffee, she would have missed the momentary pause in his stirring. But her gaze never lifted, and she had seen it.

"I see."

Rachel looked up, frowning at Jesse's lack of a reaction. "It wasn't working out."

Jesse nodded. "I'm sorry to hear it."

"You're sorry?" Rachel echoed.

Jesse shrugged. "Breakups are hard. That's just a universal truth."

Was he being serious right now? Rachel reined in her frustration, and deciding to bite the bullet, asked, "Are you dating someone?"

Again with the momentary pause. Jesse glanced at her, his blue eyes guarded even as he answered, "I'm dating, yes."

Oh. Well. Rachel tried to quell the disappointment. She had known, right? She knew he wasn't sitting around writing Jesse + Rachel with hearts in... whatever writing material he had.

Didn't hurt any less.

In a small voice, because any louder and she knew her voice would give away her disappointment, "Did I make myself unavailable?"

Jesse frowned. "Unavailable?"

Rachel nodded, struggling to find her footing conversationally, after that bombshell. "Before Brody and I started our relationship, when we agreed to not be exclusive because I had caught him... I guess you could call it cheating, but he wasn't, he said I made myself unavailable." Rachel looked up to look at Jesse. "Did I do that? Did I make myself unavailable?"

"You had a boyfriend." Jesse reminded gently. "You were in a relationship, Rachel. You were unavailable."

"It was an open relationship."

"That's not the point."

"And now that I'm not in a relationship?" Rachel pressed.

Jesse visibly hesitated, before he took a deep breath and exhaling it. "I was under the impression this arrangement between us was professional and friendly, and not in any kind of romantic vein."

Rachel could only stare at him.

"And as for making yourself unavailable?" Jesse continued. He sighed. "As far as I'm concerned you haven't been available since Nationals in New York."

Oh.

Rachel frowned at that piece of information, and found herself at a loss for words. She had never seen it that way: getting engaged and nearly marrying Finn, maybe, but he was talking about way before that, he was talking about Nationals in New York. Since Nationals? It had been a small moment in time, she had asked him to stay in Ohio so she could focus on Nationals but then Finn had surprised her onstage during their duet by kissing her.

And it hit her.

Jesse had told them it was awkward and unprofessional while Finn had described it as the Superman of kisses. And she had stood there, silent, not agreeing or disagreeing, the shock and - let's be honest, humiliated horror - of being kissed in the middle of a performance not having worn off. Later on, after the furor had died down, Jesse had pulled her aside and told her that the kiss onstage in the middle of the performance can just be Finn being asinine, his ineptitude forcing them out of the competition; It didn't have to mean anything, if she didn't want it to.

All she had to do was say it out loud, and to tell Finn the same.

Jesse had tried to give her a way out, and she had chosen Finn.

The next day she and the rest of New Directions had flown home to Lima and Jesse had stayed behind. At the time Rachel had been too preoccupied to ask for details.

After that the next time she had seen Jesse was at Nationals in Chicago. And months later, when she had needed help, she had called him, and he had answered.

"That's not true." She managed to croak out, even though she knew it was, at the very least, partially true.

"That's beside the point."

"No, it isn't." Rachel insisted. "I'm not with Finn anymore. I broke up with Brody. I'm not unavailable. I'm moving on."

"I've heard that before." Jesse reminded.

Rachel glanced away, composing herself in the face of Jesse's matter-of-fact stance in their conversation. "So if this isn't about winning me back, why are you here? Why do you mock them? Why do you want me out of my relationships, if you don't want me?"

Jesse sighed. "That's not the point."

"Is this all just a game to you?"

Jesse's gaze sharpened at the accusation, the first real reaction she had gotten thus far. His voice had an edge to it as he uttered, "It's not a game."

Rachel sat back, putting distance between her and that gaze.

"Rachel." Jesse leaned forward, refusing to let her off after she had started this conversation. He looked at her meaningfully. "It's not a game. I'm here because you asked. Because I care about you. This means something to you, and because I care about you it means something to me, too. And I like doing things for you. I can do nice things without any kind of ulterior motive." Pause. "Save for the inevitable talented costar, but that's neither here nor there. It's not a game."

"But if you care..."

Jesse ran his hand over his hair, and Rachel smiled sadly as she remembered calling him out for his Danny Zuko move when he got nervous. Was he nervous now?

"Of course I care. And if I were the same shallow and weak-willed boy I used to be? We wouldn't be having this conversation." Jesse finally admitted.

Rachel had to smile at that, even though it quickly faded as she noted, "But you won't."

"I won't." Jesse confirmed.

"I don't understand." Rachel admitted.

Jesse's lips curled to a bemused smile. "Have you ever heard the adage, 'fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me'?"

Rachel nodded, and wondered where he was going with this.

Jesse took a sip from his cup of coffee. "Some people subscribe to the three-strikes-you're-out approach. I'm a fool me once/fool me twice kind of guy."

Rachel was sure her confusion was obvious.

Jesse smiled patiently. "I never lied about how I felt about you."

She was really confused as to where he was going with his rapid turns of conversation.

"Let's be very clear on that. I never lied about how I felt about you." Jesse repeated. "I was told to approach you, but everything that happened after was very real. Including the part where my show choir director told me my scholarship to UCLA was dependent on my winning Nationals. I told you once that I traded love for a fourth National Championship but what I didn't tell you was that I basically traded love for my future."

"You could have told me that."

Jesse's laugh was wry, almost bitter. She didn't need her extensive background in music properties to recognize the pitch and timbre of his voice. "Would you have listened? Would you have understood that choice? That love doesn't fix everything? You'd tagged me as the villain of your story and that's fine. I deserved that. But I never lied to you."

"What does that have to do with us?"

"To be clear that there was an 'us'. It wasn't a ploy, it wasn't a trick, it wasn't a lie. It was, in fact, very real." Jesse grit out. "So real, that I came back to fix things, to make amends. I apologized, repeatedly, and I thought you understood."

"I did understand." Rachel insisted. "I do."

"But you don't." Jesse corrected, softly. "If you did you wouldn't throw in my face repeatedly how you don't know how much of our dating past was real."

"I never-"

"You said that, almost verbatim, in Chicago." Jesse reminded. "And you keep questioning my motives. Before you protest your innocence, let me remind you that you did it, just a moment ago."

Rachel's interjection died on her lips.

"So I know you still don't believe me." Jesse concluded.

"I believe you." Rachel said softly.

Jesse leaned back in his seat, his gaze falling down to his cup of coffee. "None of it was a lie. Not to me."

Rachel regarded him sadly, realizing now that when she said she'd broken his heart too, she hadn't realized the extent of the damage she had caused.

Yes, they have talked about this before, and she had forgiven him, but maybe a part of her still held on to that hurt, that betrayal. Maybe it was the fact that his actions came alongside with Shelby's rejection of her as a daughter, but she held on to her hurt feelings almost fiercely.

It was at that point a feeling of dread crept up Rachel's spine, points of the conversation piecing together and she began to understand Jesse's tangential thread.

"You would understand why I'd feel slighted at the realization that I was the one being lied to."

"I never lied to you." Her defensive answer came quickly - too quickly - that even Rachel knew it wasn't completely true.

"The same way you told me before that you were ready to move on past Finn?" Jesse questioned.

Rachel faltered.

"I would have - I have forgiven Run Joey Run; I have always asserted that I can understand the thrill and enjoyment of having the competing affections from three individuals. It was misguided, but I can understand your motivation." Jesse expounded. "That our relationship was so easily cast aside and forgotten the moment Finn wanted you back? Not so easily ignored."

Rachel remained silent. She had wanted to hear Jesse's side of things and, well, she was getting it. She had forced him into this conversation, so she would take it.

"One year later, I pursued you. I came back and pursued you. And you told me you wanted to concentrate on Nationals. Because I respect you, because I respect your ambition, your choices and your boundaries, I respected your request for time and distance while you were in New York. To concentrate on Nationals, you said." Jesse glanced down quickly, and took a deep breath. "I came to New York because I couldn't stay away, but I was honoring your choice to focus on the competition."

She wanted him to stop, but she knew that deep down she wanted to hear his side. Deep down, she needed to hear it.

Jesse's smile was deprecating. "Apparently none of that matters when Finn throws away your chances at winning."

"I wasn't lying." She said softly, quietly, repeating her assertion and hoping that the more she said it the more it would be true. She hadn't been lying, but maybe her actions told more about her motivations than what she believed.

"But you weren't telling the truth, either, were you?" Jesse prodded. "When you said you wanted to focus on Nationals, when you asked me to keep away. It wasn't me, but it wasn't about you, either. It was never about you. You were biding your time and strung me along until Finn made a move."

She couldn't even protest that he was misinterpreting things, because that was exactly what had happened. She hadn't intended it to be so, but the facts spoke for themselves.

"When that happened," Jesse recalled, "I got it. I wasn't the guy you wanted. And maybe I never was."

Rachel sniffled, and swept the back of her hand to wipe at the tears in her eyes, unaware of when, exactly, she had started to cry. It wasn't true, she wanted to tell him, he was wrong - so wrong - but felt that maybe he needed to say this out loud. She could tell him otherwise, and prove him wrong later, but first she wanted him to say his piece. He needed to say it, and she knew she needed to hear it, too.

Jesse sighed, and glanced up at her, reaching into his pocket and handing her his handkerchief. "It sucks, but it is what it is. And that's OK. Because I'm the guy who can help you achieve your dreams. I've always believed that, that's never gone away. That's why I came when you asked, that's why I'm here."

"So I don't even get to have a say in this?" Rachel asked tearfully, dabbing her eyes with the cloth in a useless attempt to curb her crying. "You decide all that, and that's it?"

"Am I wrong?" Jesse countered gently. "The fact of the matter, Rachel, is that I can't be swept up in you, be caught up in the chase and the thrill of nearly getting you only to realize you don't really want me. Not again. I can't do that again. If that's what you want, then this can't work. But I'm here for you, whatever you need. I can be a source of support and help or whatever else you need to help you achieve your dreams."

She had to remind herself that she had asked for this. She had wanted to know how he felt about her, and she got it.

Knowing she had started this didn't help in getting the tears to stop.

She was distraught, and angry, and sad, but she was glad that he didn't try to come near her to wrap her in his arms to comfort her because they both knew that after what he had said, she would feel that she wouldn't deserve it. And that's how she felt: if he stepped up, if he comforted her right now, she would feel that it would be the injury to the insult of him choosing not to pursue her. To wrap her up in his arms was a comforting and intimate gesture, and she had already stomped on his heart one too many times to deserve his comfort.

It was embarrassing, of that she had no doubt, to be a girl crying in the middle of a coffee shop. She also knew for a fact that lesser people would have left her alone to cry by herself, having been left alone in the past on a stage, in the middle of a hallway, in the middle of a freaking out-of-town Christmas tree lot. Lesser people would have left her, to avoid the burden of being stared at accusingly for having made the sad girl cry.

But Jesse sat there patiently, and it meant so much more than she could ever tell him.