Rachel wondered if this was what the college experience was really supposed to be like, catching up on her reading at any given opportunity, because free time was increasingly becoming a luxury. As it was, she was reading through one of her textbooks while she waited in a nearly-empty hallway near the classroom of her next class, currently still occupied by the previous class.
High school had been easy, compared to this. Back then all they had to do was attend classes, but so far college demanded so much reading and rehearsals on top of the lectures.
She had morning dance sessions with Amy, Claire, Janet and Marco before her classes, study groups during her free periods, rehearsals with the rest of the dance troupe after school, and that ended late. If she had time (and schedules permitted), she met Jesse, who had been a moderate hit with her friends when they met him, although Amy and Anton insisted they needed to spend more time with him to see if he was really an adequate match for her. Between her last class and dance rehearsals, she squeezed in time in one of NYADA's music rooms to get some vocal practice in, since she and Jesse had agreed to postpone their sessions at least until Claire's preview was over.
The whole school/rehearsals/what-was-free-time program was not unlike her schedule back in Lima, before she dedicated the majority of her time to Glee Club. At least this time she went to school with the people she trained with, giving her some semblance of a social life.
It was nice, though, to be fully involved in school and performance, even if she usually ended up exhausted when she got home.
Living with Shelby wasn't the major adjustment she had expected, since they only really saw each other at the beginning and end of the day. Since Beth woke up late and slept early, she hadn't really been able to socialize with the toddler. Shelby, on the other hand, had insisted on sharing breakfast and a nightcap of hot tea, to bookend their day with some time together, but the older woman hadn't brought up the subject of boys or dating (not that Rachel was on the lookout for that topic of conversation, especially with Shelby). They talked about their days, how rehearsals were going for Rachel and the goings-on in Shelby's daycare.
It was nice.
Her dads didn't agree with that opinion, and luckily they had been on their way to a late dinner when she had told them over Skype one night. For them Shelby had been the manipulative shrew who had broken a legal and moral agreement, breached ethical protocol to meet their daughter, and subsequently damaged her emotionally.
It was an exaggeration, but one Rachel couldn't entirely refute.
But they had agreed that the closer distance to NYADA, as well as the safer commute and neighborhood, was a fair exchange to letting "that woman" come in that much contact with their daughter.
She and Shelby didn't talk much about the bigger subjects, like what had gone on between them when they had first met, or Shelby's abrupt departure from Rachel's life on two separate occasions.
But their developing relationship was enough of an indicator that if things worked out for them, they would have the future opportunity to do just that.
In the meantime, Shelby was a parental figure Rachel hadn't known she had wanted in New York.
But Shelby, for all her help with Rachel's schoolwork - the woman's input on what a teacher would look for in essays and the like were beyond valuable - still could not add hours to any given day, which made Rachel need to do her reading between classes.
Thankfully, she was well ahead in her reading, which meant she could take notes and do her revisions at a later date. Rehearsals were also supposed to be ending early today, to allow for the beginning of Spring Break, and she had her date with Jesse that evening. She was feeling pretty good, even more than usual for a Friday.
Until she felt a shadow loom over her, and a very familiar voice spoke up.
"You've been avoiding me."
It hadn't been a full week, and yet Rachel was surprised that Kurt had sought her out already. Honestly, she was surprised he had sought her out at all, since, as she'd noted to Jesse, he usually didn't do that until she came around to apologize or extend an olive branch first, and she had no desire to do so this time around.
Despite Claire's advice not to allow her conflict with Kurt destroy their friendship, the other part of Claire's advice, that Rachel be willing to fix things but not compromise her belief of right or wrong, had struck even more; in high school and especially in Glee Club, when Rachel had been in conflict with someone, there was no shortage of people who were willing to tell Rachel what she had done wrong. Heck, Kurt and Santana had just proven that a few nights ago. But Claire seemed to operate on the belief that everyone was capable of right and wrong, and trusted Rachel to know the difference.
Because she knew she had done nothing wrong - and it was an absolute truth, a feeling she had become unaccustomed to, considering how she was so willing to manipulate events to her advantage in high school - but this time, she knew with absolute clarity that there had been no wrong-doing on her part, since their fight had started by her substantiated defense of Claire, and she was unwilling to compromise the truth of that just so she could make up with her best friend.
Did she feel sad that defending her new friend meant her longtime best friend wasn't accessible to her? Absolutely.
But it wasn't as if she felt his absence as she would have in high school, since they don't share any classes, he had been spending more and more of his time with Adam and his show choir while she had focused on her voice and dance lessons with Jesse and Claire. And with her full schedule, she hadn't really had the time to sit down and be lonely.
That was another thing: she wasn't lonely. She was getting to be on friendlier terms with the people in her various study groups, and she had Claire and Amy. Through Amy she had met Anton, as well as some other members of the troupe, and she and Anton had introduced her to another freshman, a boy named Christian (concentration: music), who she shared a few classes with but had never actually spoken to before. And outside of school she had Jesse, who had promised to introduce her to his friend and roommate that weekend.
So she had friends. They didn't share the bond or history she had with Kurt, but then she and Kurt hadn't started on the best of terms, either.
So had she missed Kurt?
Rachel looked up to gaze upon her friend. "Avoiding you would mean I've been actively side-stepping being in your presence, which I assure you I haven't been."
"You knew where I'd be."
"Which I don't usually go to." Rachel returned, not even bothering to note that he also knew where she could be found since he had approached her, after all. "I've been busy, that's all."
"With your new friends?" Kurt drawled, with just a hint of bitterness and sarcasm in his tone. He sat down near her, and regarded his friend. "I've seen you, you know."
Oh, now that he was taking the moral high ground and approaching her first, he acknowledged their drive-by the other day? Rachel didn't say anything to that, careful not to jump to conclusions and tempering her own instinct to reconcile with him, as well as wanting to hear him out.
Kurt adjusted his bag on his lap, in a show of casualness, and cleared his throat. "I hear Claire has been doing a good job at rehearsals."
"She's wonderful." Rachel confirmed, smiling fondly at the memory of Marco's dreamy sigh during the previous night's rehearsals, after Claire had performed the show's highlight and solo number, which had had the entire room breathlessly riveted.
"Janet said Claire's been confirmed to do the first show." Kurt noted.
"The preview." Rachel corrected. "Yes."
"But the real lead is still doing the rest of the show." Kurt continued.
Rachel sighed, because Kurt wasn't telling her anything she didn't already know, as well as things she could have told him in the first place if he had been willing to listen. It didn't escape her notice, though, that he didn't refer to Amy by name, considering it was her role that was the point of contention.
But she still considered the fact that he had made the effort to approach her as a good sign, and didn't say anything.
"I guess things worked out, after all."
"I guess," Rachel drew out slowly, unsure, as she had no idea what Kurt meant exactly.
Pause.
"Are you going home for Spring Break?"
"I'm not sure. I don't think so. I want to be here for the preview, but my dads also said they might be home." Rachel admitted. "You?"
Kurt nodded. "It'll be nice to go home."
"True." Rachel conceded, suddenly missing her old room. On the other hand, and she didn't dare tell Kurt, a part of her dreaded going back to Lima and have to deal with everything that was part of Lima: her absent fathers, Glee Club, Finn. New York was comfortable, now. She was wary of what awaited her back in Ohio.
When Rachel didn't say anything, Kurt went on talking. "We've missed you at the loft."
Rachel smiled weakly. "That's sweet of you to say, but... I sincerely doubt Santana would say the same."
Kurt glanced at her, smiling. "You know she's taken your bed as her own."
"I figured."
Kurt paused, and turned his body to face her completely. "Okay, Rachel, look: we both said things that were a little harsher than we intended in the heat of the moment. We've been friends for a long time and are we really going to let something as petty as a misunderstanding come between us?"
Rachel didn't answer. Instead she studied him for a long beat, trying to find in his statement an apology for what he had said to her Monday night.
"Rachel?"
Rachel sighed, and shook her head. "Claire's my friend."
"Yes, and that's fine, I'm sure you two have a lot in common."
Considering the last thing he had said to her about Claire was that he thought the older girl was willing to step over other people to be a star, that wasn't even anywhere near a compliment that it could have been.
Rachel frowned at him. "That's it?"
Kurt looked confused. "What's it?"
"That's all you have to say?" Rachel asked, wearily. "You attack my friend - attack me - with a baseless accusation, and days later you deem it acceptable to speak to me again, and that's all you have to say?"
"No need for heightened theatrics, I'm just saying everything's worked out, after all, even if Janet's still got the short end of the stick. You didn't need to move out just to prove a point."
Unbelievable. Seriously. He was unbelievable. She had thought he had been unreasonable when he had given her the cold shoulder when she had signed up to run for Class President last year, as a measure to pad her college application, but in retrospect she knew she could have talked to him first, or even better, asked him to endorse her as his Vice President, and run the ticket together. Or that whole episode with Midnight Madness, which she still couldn't believe she'd taken the bait so willingly. Granted, in hindsight she could admit that maybe she had pushed him to the limit by pulling the same stunt she did with her dads after any triumphant performance, a stunt they (maybe not-so-endearingly) called the Princess Diva Routine, a stunt that her dads probably only tolerated and definitely wouldn't have been found adorable by anyone who didn't raise her. Still, it wasn't as if he would even be in NYADA if she hadn't coerced him to take as many chances as he could.
And now this? She could even ignore his whole jab at her and her penchant for drama regarding moving out of the apartment, which was becoming less and less likely to be temporary if he continued being like this, but he was still on Claire's case about stepping in and Janet still relegated to the role of understudy. It told her that not only was Janet not telling her friends the whole truth even after days of full rehearsals, but Kurt apparently hadn't bothered to learn further information about what had happened.
He hadn't even bothered to consider that dance rehearsals were starting early and ending late, which could have been a factor in her relocation.
She thought back to her conversation with Quinn on Tuesday night, and the Yale student's assessment that Kurt, while he was undoubtedly protective and supportive of his friends, could still sometimes tend to be callous and insensitive to others, especially people who didn't belong in his inner circle. Kurt, after all, hadn't called out his step-brother after Finn had thrown Santana out of the closet, or how he himself had accused Quinn - who had been kicked out of her own home, suffered a then-undiagnosed bout of postpartum depression, and had at the time just been through the experience of realizing the baby she had given up for adoption was utterly and truly someone else's and possibly had lost the opportunity to be involved in her life (or that she would soon be fighting for her life from a car accident) - of being ignorant of real-life difficulties in the aftermath of David Karofsky's suicide attempt.
He hadn't even bothered to take Mercedes aside to at least explain why Rachel had been so sensitive and adamant about West Side Story last year. She knew she had been an entitled brat about that whole thing, as Jesse had already pointed out to her, but maybe it wouldn't have been so acrimonious if someone could have acted as a go-between between her and Mercedes.
She loved him, she did, but she couldn't just ignore that he couldn't even apologize to her or admit he was making a hasty judgment on Claire, who had never done anything to him.
Rachel exhaled in exasperation and chose to cut her losses, deliberately choosing to avoid further confrontation since there was no way she could react to this conversation calmly. "I have to get to class."
"What, now that you have other friends you're quick to discard your old ones?" Kurt sniped.
Rachel shook her head in annoyance. "Up until this week I was perfectly fine maintaining both my old and new friendships. You're the one who's making a big deal out of choosing one or the other."
Kurt shook his head in dismay at the dismissal. "I'm just saying-"
"No." Rachel surprised them both by interjecting. She gathered her things, biding her time to carefully consider what she wanted to say, before she stood up and turned to look at him. "I've said it before, and I'll say it again: Claire is my friend. I've had very few friends my entire life, and for the past few years you've been the most important one of all, but if you're not going to apologize for everything - anything - you said to me the other night, or the fact that you didn't say a word when Santana basically told me that without the two of you I'm still just the loser with no friends in Lima, then right now, we don't really have anything to talk about."
Kurt stood up as well, his own ire raised by Rachel's attitude. "Fine, just walk away, Rachel. Keep sucking up to your new so-called friends, let's see if they'll stick around when they find out how high maintenance and exasperating you can get."
"Strange, because they think that it's the most entertaining part of my personality." Rachel retorted. "In fact, you know what? It's funny how you were fine with me working with Claire until this happened. Or do you want to talk about how you were so disdainful of my friends when this conversation started? Is that it? How is it you're allowed to have new friends and I'm not, Kurt?"
"Of course you're allowed to have friends, I just wish you'd be smarter about the people you choose to be around." Kurt pointed out. "One of your supposed friends threw Janet under a bus for Claire, and we all know Claire Beaumont's obviously not afraid to do the same. Is that really the kind of people you should be associating with?"
"You know, I can take everything you dish at me? I've been doing it my entire life from everyone in Lima. But don't talk about my friends that way. And you're supposed to be my best friend." Rachel remarked, disappointed and dismayed that this was happening between them. "Just a few weeks ago you told me that I'm a diva because of my talent and ambition, and I have friends who are just like that and appreciate the same about me. Something I thought you did, too. Has that changed? Was that just lip service? We say we're best friends and say we'll stick together through thick and thin, but sometimes I wonder if that's really how you see me or if we're still the two glee kids in tenth grade having a diva-off and you just tolerate me."
"Oh, now it's my fault?" Kurt asked dryly.
"That's not what I'm saying at all!" Rachel protested, shaking her head. "You're not saying anything new, and frankly I don't have time to indulge whatever victim card you want to play this time. Have a nice day, Kurt. I have to get to class."
"Fine, Rachel. Just walk away! Pretend you're not channeling the girl who did Run Joey Run with your, how did you put it? Pathological need to be popular. Well, look at you now, sitting at the cool kids' table."
"Don't." Rachel cut him off sharply.
Kurt stopped abruptly, surprised at the tone Rachel had used, and eyed her warily.
"Did you know, for the first time in a really long time, I'm honest to goodness happy? I'm stressed, I'm exhausted, I have a pile of things to read and not enough time of day to study, but I have friends, I'm dating someone who actually understands me, my relationship with Shelby is improving, I have professors who give criticism that I can take with a grain of salt because I know it's being said with good intentions; I'm studying in one of the top performing arts schools, Broadway is literally a block away, and I'm in the city of my dreams."
"Well, congratulations," Kurt said sarcastically. "You must be so proud."
"That's just it." Rachel smiled sadly. "I am." She sighed. "And it hurts to know my best friend can't see that, or be happy for me."