DISCLAIMER: I own nothing from the Naruto universe but I do have an imagination of my own.

Thinking

Biju, etc. speaking

Biju, etc. thinking

Emphasis

"You - you carried me over the threshold?" Naruto asked in either amazement or bewilderment, he wasn't sure which. Her incredible blue eyes were wide and twinkling, and she was blushing again, her pretty mouth open in shock but with a little grin added. He nodded his head sheepishly and looked away. He felt her arms wrap around him. Looking down at his little wife, his heart began beating rapidly at seeing the sweet smile on her face as she looked up at him. That look changed as he realized she was now looking with eyes lidded at his masked lips. He looked at hers - so full, pink, and lovely… Without further consideration, he bent down and met those sultry lips with a kiss.

Oh gods, how she wished that mask was gone!

Even though it was still on his face, she could feel the passion coming from the Hatake. At least that's what she hoped it was. How he could convey that through a mask? That was a mystery: one she either wanted to solve with lots of practice, or not to be forced to deal with a mask anymore as she was being kissed breathless. ...Through a mask: grrr.

Kakashi's arms were wrapped around her as he moved them up and down her back. Her own hands were pulling his shoulders down to her as her heart beat wildly. She felt one of his large hands creep up her side and moaned. His hand left her side and even though her eyes were closed, she felt that hand move to his mask. Her knees went weak.

And she hit the floor. Looking around for her husband, she realized she was alone, save for a small pile of leaves on the kitchen floor. What the fuck?! He'd sunshinned out of there, mid-kiss! Right before the good part, where she'd finally get those actual lips - not the masked ones - on her… well on her anything! She was willing! Realizing she was sitting on the floor with her mouth hanging open, she did the only thing she could think of: she screamed and had a veritable tantrum that would make any toddler proud.

Gai was beginning to get worried: he had been looking for his eternal rival for two days now. He knew the silver-haired nin was back from a recent mission, but no matter where he tried, he couldn't find him. Not even at the Memorial Stone! He had checked Kakashi's apartment, the Jonin lounge, the bars, even the unyouthful dens of iniquity which he knew Kakashi disliked - ever since that incident... He was about to report his rival's obvious kidnapping but decided to check the Stone one last time. Finally there, he would have been relieved if it weren't for his rival's extremely strange behavior.

Kakashi was pacing. He wanted to go to the Stone, confess his latest sins, and wait for the retribution that would hopefully come sooner rather than later. But he just couldn't stand in front of it - to stand in front of his team… Kami-sama: I can't face sensei! He grabbed his hair and pulled. Opening his eyes, his vision was filled with green. Of all the things I need right now. Kakashi unceremoniously plopped down in the grass, facing away from the Memorial Stone.

"RIVAL!" Gai began, trying to lift his friend's youthful spirits. Receiving no response, he realized that something was really wrong - or newly wrong - he wasn't sure which. Kakashi was not pulling out or holding his precious book which the man swore fanned his flames of youth - well, his rival described it as fanning his flames of sexuality: same thing, Gai figured. He also wasn't running away! Coughing anxiously, he tried again. "Eternal Rival! What dims your flames of youth on this most glorious of days?"

He realized Kakashi was looking at him - directly at him! There were no hip and cool comments, no denials… He would weep tears of joy had his old friend not looked so discontented. "Are you alright, Rival?" Gai finally asked.

Kakashi sighed heavily and dropped completely to the ground, three limbs were haphazardly strewn out, while one arm covered his eye. "I got married, Gai-kun."

"How youthful! Why wasn't I invited? Did you at least save me cake?!" If he didn't, Gai was going to give him a challenge that would nearly kill this masked bastard who didn't think to invite him to the ceremony. He knew damn good and well that he was Kakashi's best friend, even though his rival would rather die than admit it: the fucker! Gai slapped himself hard in the face for thinking such unyouthful thoughts and words.

Kakashi stared blankly at his closest and strangest friend as the man hit himself. He should give him a hard time about hitting himself again at what had to be his internal monologuing but just didn't have the energy. Where was death when you needed it?

"At least tell me who the lucky girl is!" Gai asked in exasperation. He watched Kakashi groan and roll over, planting his face in the grass. "Rival. What has happened?"

"Minato-sensei's daughter, Gai. I married Naruto-chan. Hell, I didn't even know she was a girl…"

"Ew," Gai accidentally mumbled, catching Kakashi's attention. "As much as it pains me to admit, you are a well sought-out fellow. Why did you marry someone so… homely?"

"No, no, no," Kakashi began, waving his hand in dismissal.

"... someone so... Boyish?" Gai continued.

"No! Damn it, Gai." Kakashi stood up from his prone position lazily, dusted off his pants, and moved as far away as he could from the Stone while still staying in the area, Gai following his steps. He began whispering, "She's… gorgeous: that's not the issue. It's just, she's sensei's daughter, and I never got to know her or had anything to do with her life. I met her, and we immediately got married."

"How… youthful?" Gai understood now about Kakashi's feelings a bit. His rival was definitively the Master of both Ninjutsu and Guilt and had trained in Guilt even more than he, himself, trained in Taijutsu. Considering that again, he challenged himself to out-train Kakashi in both fields but kept his mouth closed.

"Oh, she's youthful alright. Come to think of it, I think you two would get along." Kakashi immediately realized he shouldn't have said that especially as Gai's eyes lit up with glee - his eyebrows doing that happy dance that scared children and most civilians. "Maa, I - I nearly pulled down my mask, Gai." He shook his head, "She could have seen my face!"

"She is your wife, ne Rival?" Gai asked in confusion. He wasn't sure if it was actually a Hatake Clan thing or just another one of Kakashi's odd quirks that kept the man masked until he was married. He had always thought it was the latter, thinking that his rival was making the excuse so that no one would see his face, ever. After all, Kakashi had sworn that he would never marry, ever since he could remember.

So why did he do it? And with a stranger?

"Hai, hai. But she's young, Gai, and this was arranged. In a day!" He added darkly. "How will I ever face sensei or Kushina-nee, especially now that I lost control like that?" Kakashi stared at the ground, obviously pained.

How much control did you lose, Rival? Gai thought darkly. "Would you like to talk about it?" Gai asked quietly.

Kakashi did. He proceeded to tell the green-clad man about his first meeting with the Hokage and his sensei's jinchuuriki daughter, their very brief "courtship" thus far - if one could even call it that, considering they were married immediately upon meeting one another- and finally, how the bastards on the Council wanted to whore out the young woman or force her to wed the last loyal Uchiha.

Gai was enjoying Kakashi's tale, even if his rival wasn't - although he could detect a slight smile upon the Jonin's masked face through much of it… That was up until he spoke of the desires of the Council - when he became infuriated. "Despicable! Unyouthful in the most egregious way! You will not be alone in protecting her, Rival!" He looked at the Hatake with absolute sincerity and grasped his shoulder hard. Kakashi winced but Gai continued: there were important things he had to convince his rival of, "You did the right thing, and I commend your actions. You are truly in the Springtime of Youth!"

Kakashi watched Gai break into tears, and quickly looked away, making sure to miss the sunset genjutsu that would inevitably follow. Thank Kami Gai's lookalike minion wasn't here or it would be even worse!

"Ne, Kakashi-kun… I don't understand what you were telling me about your mask." Gai saw a blush form above said mask and all he wanted to do was burst into his own flames at the sight. He kept his composure, however, as he reminded himself that his rival had mentioned "losing control". Kakashi rarely lost control, and when he used to all those years ago, it usually meant one would hear the sound of a thousand birds - whether or not the Hatake would actually Chidori someone. He was positive his rival had not acted so unyouthfully - and deadly - in front of his wife. Nearly positive…

"Maa, I kissed her, Gai," Kakashi said softly. Gai laughed loudly - and obnoxiously - earning him a glare from the Copy Nin. Gai held up his hands in surrender but continued chuckling lightly.

"So what happened then, Rival?"

Kakashi got a puzzled look on his face. "Maa, I guess I sunshinned the hell out of there."

"NANI?!" Gai screamed before forcing the Hatake to explain what happened in as much detail as he would reveal. Gai stared at him for a long time before beginning to slowly shake his head. "You should prepare a will," he said seriously. "I will miss you, dear friend."

Kakashi let out a bark of laughter at his friend's over-the-top answer. "I think you're overreacting, Gai," he replied, giving him an eye-smile.

Gai only looked at him in grave disappointment and sadness. "Rival," he began gently, "you have most unyouthfully left your bride in the middle of a kiss. Perhaps her first kiss, and in the most unyouthful of ways… That's doubly unyouthful if you didn't understand before."

Kakashi began to laugh again before his eyes widened in realization. It all played out again before him: carrying her over the threshold, looking into her eyes, bending down to kiss her… Naru eagerly kissing him back as they pulled each other as close to one another as possible… The sound she made - that memory made him half-hard. ...Naru's knees going out as he held her up in one hand as he reached for his mask with the other: Oh Kami, no! He had left her hanging! He'd only been thinking about how he was debauching her, but she - Oh no! What must she think of him leaving? His breathing sped up as he felt another one of his panic attacks coming on.

"I will find Asuma-kun to properly prepare a wake for you, former Rival," Gai said, shaking his head sadly as tears formed in his eyes. "Do not fret: we will not go over the top. We will limit it, like the Winter's barely-present flames of your past Youth…"

"I'm not old!" Kakashi suddenly blurted out.

"Your youth is. As are your hair and tastebuds," Gai said with complete sincerity, looking at his rival as if he were already dead. Kakashi stared at him in disbelief before once again flopping down on the ground.

"Maa, what am I going to do, Gai?" Kakashi nearly whined.

"What can you do, Rival? Prepare for the afterlife, say your goodbyes…" At Kakashi's look of dismay, Gai took in a very deep breath, nearly sucking in the leaves that surrounded them. "Unless your wife is filled with nothing but Springtime, your ass is… shall we say, grass. And she will undoubtedly be the lawnmower of your previously…"

"She's got the Kyuubi," Kakashi said with dawning horror.

"You're screwed, rival! Although now that you've mentioned the fox, I must amend my statement." Kakashi looked at him with hope which Gai instantly dashed. "Perhaps the demon will assist her in the mowing of your unyouthful, insipid flames and ass."

Kakashi was grateful for Gai's advice, and for simply listening - he really was - but right now he had to save his skin! Dragging the Green Beast along with him, he headed into the hardware store. "I need a lawnmower, stat!" he yelled. Thank Kami for Gai's odd speech patterns, analogies, and such. Sensing his confusion, Kakashi explained. "Naru-chan likes gardening, and the estate's grounds are a mess. She'd have to re-engage her army daily to even get a fraction of the weeds pulled, and that's not to mention the absolute disaster that the training area's grounds are now! It'll be great to train on once we get it under control, but right now it's hopeless!"

"Thus the need for a lawnmower," Gai agreed, although he didn't quite understand why his wife had an army. "Alright then: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A MOW OFF!"

Gai began offering terms to the Hatake for the challenge who was acquiescing to his every desire for once. Gai's tears of happiness began to flow as a salesman paled at the duo's contest. The clerk was glad for once that he was being completely ignored.

"...and if I do not win, I shall run 100 Laps around the village, and if I cannot complete the laps, I will do 700 squats! I swear this to you, Rival, even if you are already dead!" Kakashi shook his hand happily as the civilian salesman began shivering. Suddenly he saw a sunset that almost immediately disappeared as he realized the silver-haired gentleman had slapped the bowl-cut fellow soundly on the back of his head.

The two very strange customers - even for shinobi - stood in silence in front of the store's three most powerful riding lawnmowers, one in each available color. "It has to be orange," the shinobi with less than a quarter of his face showing declared.

"Green," demanded the green-clad man.

Is that spandex? The salesperson wondered, aghast.

"Orange," Kakashi darkly replied, releasing a little Killing Intent to get his point across. The salesman backed up into the wall behind him. He watched as the two men argued between themselves before the shinobi with the bowl haircut issued a desire for a janken-pon contest. For a moment he wondered if he had died and done something so horrible that it landed him here with these… interesting characters. The masked man denied the other's new challenge, walking up to his foe, as he used his partially-gloved index finger to poke him in his green chest. He deeply feared a fight would break out that would damage his uncle's store. He had been told stories by his coworkers of an insane red-headed kunoichi who used chains to fling around rental-only, large power tools as she screamed at the now-deceased Uchiha Clan head, many years ago. He could only hope the situation in front of him would not turn into another Legend of Ironmongers.

"Look, Gai: we're trying to keep my wife from killing me! It has to be orange! She's obsessed!"

The Taijutsu master glared at the copy-nin as if daring him to lie about this. Seeing his rival look him directly in the eyes with no tells present, he relented. "Fine. I'll buy a second mower. Think of it as a wedding present," Gai sniffed. The two men argued further without heat before Kakashi relented. It was a huge estate, after all, and a second mower might not be needed, but it could actually help - especially now while there was so much debris and tall grass to cut down.

Turning toward the salesperson who had eased closer to them, Kakashi grinned. "Maa, it might be a good idea to get some other things, too," Kakashi said, telling the associate all about the estate's lawn issues as the man tried not to drool. It looked like his commission would be well worth what he had been forced to witness! His day was not over, though, as the two shinobi argued over every single item they eventually purchased - whether because of color, brand, or something else he didn't understand. And how many janken-pon challenges had he witnessed? And these were a subset of their challenges "of youth?" Oh, how he wanted to tell the silver-haired shinobi to go back home to his apparently psychotic and murderous wife, but he endured, finally finishing the transaction mid-day.

Naruto laid under her warm orange covers with her very special black notebook, thinking evil thoughts. So far she'd written down 24 possible pranks that were entirely new. She knew that the majority of these pranks could get her arrested, but right now she didn't care. She needed to teach a certain Jonin an important lesson.

Just as she let out an insanely evil laugh, a noise caught her attention. Stretching her senses, she realized Kakashi had the balls to come back. Wondering just how badly he needed those anymore, considering his previous actions against her, she began fervently writing notes in her prank planner again. Then she realized he wasn't alone. Naruto walked down the stairs of her new home, reigning in her chakra so that she did not shatter the floor beneath her due to her anger. Kurama pushed her to take terrible actions as he watched from within her, displaying a vicious tooth-filled grin that would scare anyone to his or her grave. She peeked out the living room window to blurs of orange, silver, and green speeding across the lawn in front of the garden she had marked off and planted earlier. Gai-sensei…

Standing on the porch watching the idiots race one another in what was no doubt a challenge, she sighed unhappily. Suddenly the big silver blur stopped and a smaller streak of green and shiny black came racing toward her. It had been so long since she'd seen the man, she nearly fell backward as he came to a stop directly in front of her and dropped to his knees. She could barely understand the Taijutsu master as he cried and wailed about not killing his beloved rival. As he carried on begging, she had to hold in her laughter at the spandex-wearing man - and Kami, was that a sight for sore eyes he was, (meaning that her eyes were already sore from looking at him.) She shook her head as he continued, looking up to see Kakashi watching her from a big orange and now slowly-moving lawnmower. She let out a light laugh: she couldn't help it.

"So you will forgive him? That is so youthful of you, Naruto-hime! In fact, I believe you may be the very pinnacle of youth! Springtime holds no comparison to your beauty or benevolence and… Oh! Gomennasai, Naruto-hime! I have failed to introduce myself! How could I be so unyouthful, particularly in front of a most beautiful blossom such as yourself? I shall run 100 laps around your estate after finishing our mow-a-thon, and if I cannot complete that, I will…" Naruto pressed her hand against the kneeling man's shoulder, shaking her head.

"There's no need for that," she began.

"Of course there is!" Gai said, jumping so high that he hit the roof of the porch. He was also very close to her now: too close! "I've done it again!" he said as tears once again filled his eyes. "I will do 1,000 push-ups to make up for my…"

"You will not," Naruto stated calmly as she patted the crazy man's shoulder. He looked at her in awe - as she noticed Kakashi had, too, when she looked up at him. He'd even stopped his mowing and was now sitting on the machine, staring at her with a wide eye. She didn't get what that look was about but understood fully that when the two of these men got together that anything could and probably would happen, so meh.

"You - you are most youthful, sweet sunflower!" Gai finally responded, making Naruto blush. "Back to the beginning: I am Maito Gai, Konoha's Sublime Green Beast of Prey, Eternal Rival of your husband!" His thumb came up, right in front of her nose as he winked and offered her a nearly blinding smile as a pinging sound filled her ears.

Did that sound come from his teeth - or was it part of an audible genjutsu? It had been so long since she had seen the man, whom she had always liked very much - he was hilarious after all, not to mention very powerful, too. Plus he and Lee had to be the most motivational people she had ever known - certainly more than her leave-a-girl-hanging husband/former sensei who was moseying his way towards her warily now. Gai apparently noticed the dangerous look she gave her husband and continued ranting about whatever the hell he was saying, becoming louder and more frantic as he went on. Naruto finally looked away from Kakashi and gave Gai's words her full attention, realizing he was begging her to forgive her mean old husband. - Her words, not his: she didn't see any youth in Kakashi at the moment.

Sighing and patting Gai's shoulder again to make him stop, she gave up. "Can I make you something to eat or drink, Gai-san?" Trying to ignore his tears and cries of wonder over her youthful flames of something or other - as well as when he denied wanting anything from the kitchen - she gripped his arm. "It's alright, Gai-san. I'm going to ignore you and make something anyway, so come in once you're both finished." She turned towards the door before turning back and offering some words of honesty regarding what he had been saying. "By the way, Gai-san, I'm really not all that," offering him a bitter smile before re-entering the estate, Naruto began to cook.

Kakashi and Gai looked at each other in wonder, each for his own reasons. Gai thought his rival was the luckiest S.O.B. on the planet, and while Kakashi might have agreed had he known Gai's thoughts, he was just blown away that his little wife had somehow calmly made his eccentric, unrelenting rival stop and desist - more than once! Finally, Gai stepped up to assist in forming a plan that would make their dinner bearable and perhaps even help Kakashi in getting back into Naruto's good graces. As they went back to continue their challenge, Kakashi thought about how much he fucked up earlier today, wondering what he should have done instead.