Chapter 10
Monday passed very slowly, until the evening when Harry reported that Dumbledore had asked him to start lessons with Snape. Despite Hermione's very real distrust of Snape (as even though she was now meeting with Bellatrix herself, she had never quite forgiven Snape for his obvious familiarity with the dark witch), her interest was piqued. She immediately got every book she could find on the subject of Occlumency, which weren't very many. Hermione was also greatly disappointed to find that while there were many mentions of the goal of the discipline, there were no instructions on how to accomplish it or teach it to oneself. She wondered if it were related to meditation and by Wednesday evening could be found in the back corner of the library whispering "Ohmmm" to herself in frustrated tones.
It was particularly hard to meditate when all Hermione could think about was her upcoming lesson with "Professor Black," and on top of that nerve-wracking anticipation, she was now wondering if there was any way to ask Bellatrix to teach her Occlumency. She had just about perfected the script she would follow, when Harry returned from his first lesson, exhausted and slightly broken from Snape's intrusion into his thoughts. It did not take Hermione long to realize that she could absolutely not ask Bellatrix to teach her to close her mind, as she would see right into Hermione to realize that she was not who she claimed to be. On the heels of this came the deep understanding that if Hermione were to preserve herself at all, she WOULD need to learn it. On her own, and quickly. Thus, it was up to her bed to "ohm" herself to sleep, using the soothing chant to attempt to ward off her fear. If Snape could see so easily into Harry's head, how easily would Bellatrix see into her own?
Thursday dawned bright and cold, and though Hermione lay staring at the ceiling for too long, eventually she accepted that she'd have to get out of bed before she had all the answers she sought. She desperately wanted to seek out Dumbledore, but felt that she would be overstepping, and that he'd placed his trust in her and expected her to manage. During breakfast, however, the headmaster did something that was an infrequent habit – he came down and walked among the students.
Hermione's heart rose in her chest when Dumbledore approached her and her group of friends, until she realized that he was probably coming to check up on Harry. However, he did not engage any of them in personal conversation (perhaps Umbridge was watching?), and generally gave pleasantries and encouragement to all. As he left, however, he wished them all well in their studies, and then said, "and do all try to be as prepared as young Miss Granger here, would you? She is always ready for her classes, an admirable trait." Hermione stared after him, heart swelling once again. He knew, and he had been giving her advice after all. She could not stop her beaming smile, even if it increased the amount of ribbing her friends were giving her for being the Teacher's Pet.
At quarter till midnight, Hermione put on her warmest clothes, pretended that she didn't notice how tight the jumper was, donned her thickest cloak, and set off. She felt incredibly excited to see what Bellatrix was going to show her this time. Lyra! she reminded herself. For some reason, since finding out for sure that Lyra was a softer, calmer side of Bellatrix, Hermione had started thinking about the older woman exclusively in the dark witch's name. She did not know why she had put Lyra to the side in favor of Bellatrix, and she didn't think she wanted to know. Enough of that for now, Hermione chided herself, Roxanna, it's time to go to work!
Hermione's approach to the boathouse did not allow her to see the opening of the little building onto the water. When she turned the corner and saw the figure standing there, her back to the young witch but her stance and hair unmistakable, she couldn't help her startled yelp. The woman did not turn, but her shoulders began to shake ever so slightly with mirth. Hermione huffed in false indignation, and waited for her teacher to face her.
When the dark-haired witch turned, Hermione immediately saw the bright, open eyes of her "Professor", and not the black, terrifying glance of the Death Eater. She noted her fleeting disappointment, decided to put that under a rock for the time being, and tried not to show her own giddiness.
"I'm pleased to see you as well, Roxanna," came the honeyed tones that Hermione had missed. "However, we must do something about your startle reflex. It's really rather embarrassing."
Hermione smirked, aiming for sheepish but coming off a bit cocky. "Is that tonight's lesson?"
"Ooo, look who's New Year's Resolution is to be a grown-up smartass!" The older woman teased her back, and Hermione shivered slightly.
No, I think it might be something different than that…
At Professor Black's raised eyebrow, Hermione had a slight moment of panic. Did she hear that? Can she read my mind?
Raised eyebrow turned into a smirk of her own, but a second later the dark witch let her off the hook. "Let's get to work. What is energy?"
Hermione was startled a second time, this time by the abrupt shift from flirtation to business. She thought a moment, then answered, "I'm not sure, exactly. It's what allows things to move, or it can move things, but I'm not really sure what it IS."
"What is the muggle textbook definition?"
At Hermione's incredulous look, the dark witch sighed. "Come now, we both know that you read them, as you look for knowledge everywhere. And even the savages have figured out a thing or two about the world they live in."
"Ok… umm… I think they say that energy is the ability to do work."
Bellatrix harrumphed. "See? Savages. What IS it, not what can it DO? They miss everything. No, energy is not the 'ability to do' something – it IS something. Think. Surely you can do better than they can."
Hermione thought. And while part of her mind raced to every other book she'd read, the larger part of it stayed where she was, with this woman of unequal talents who was so connected to her environment that she could choose which cells to take water from. This raven-haired witch was both powerful and primal, and Hermione knew that whatever answer she came to, it could not be something from a book. She began to think aloud.
"Everything has energy… even rocks have energy pulsing in their atoms. But energy is also what helps us to be alive, what helps everything thing to be alive…" She could sense her teacher's growing excitement.
Looking into the older woman's deep eyes, swallowing hard, Hermione ventured her best understanding. "Is energy the soul of a thing?"
"Yes! Well, sort of. We could discuss what a 'soul' is for a long while as well, but yes. Energy is the essence of a thing, and living things have more of that essence. Every tiny thing has energy, but it is the energy of itself, not of what it was before."
"What do you mean?" Hermione was excited now, too, and even though they had done no magic and were standing out in the cold having a philosophical discussion, it felt heavenly.
"Think about it. Everything was once something else. You and I were once dirt, plants, even the food that we eat. The things that make us up were things over and over before us, and will be again over and over after us. But the energy that we have, that is ours. It travels to us in a straight line, and it will leave us when we use it, to drift away out to the universe." Bellatrix had reached out to grasp Hermione's hand in hers, and with her other hand pointed up to the stars. Hermione could not see her eyes, but had a feeling they were shining just as brightly.
"That's amazing. I'd never thought of it that way."
"Of course not. That's what I'm here for." At the teasing, Hermione took her hand back and turned away slightly, not really hurt, but not wanting to be made fun of, either. "Ah, I'm kidding, young one. Don't be so serious. The mysteries of the universe make children of us all." Bellatrix reached out and tugged on a curl of auburn hair. "Now, what does this have to do with magic?"
Hermione turned back again, eager to try to please and confident in her answer. "Magic takes a lot of energy, and it's exhausting! But I think we can take the energy from other things instead of from ourselves! Like we did the water in the aguamenti spell!"
The dark witch nodded, "Not bad. But also not complete. It is true that we can learn to take the energy to power our spells from our surroundings, but you ignored the fact that magic IS energy. And when you cast a spell, you spread a bit of your essence, or the essence of something else, around like ripples in water."
A lightbulb went off in Hermione's head, and without thinking she blurted, "Is that why everyone's magic is slightly different? Why we have a magical signature, because it's part of our essence?"
Bellatrix did not seem to notice Hermione's stepping into private territory, and answered delightedly, "Yes! Precisely! And a witch or wizard who is well-versed in magical signatures can not only tell who cast a spell, but what that person's mood and intentions are as well. Most people don't pay attention that carefully, but the information is all there, out in the open like a secret revealed."
Hermione's teenage brain immediately went to all sorts of things she'd prefer not to reveal, and at her blush, the older woman laughed. "But it IS possible to manipulate it, just as we do so often with our words. Here, let me show you. Close your eyes."
Hermione raised her eyebrows in disbelief, took one look at the gentle, but serious look on her teacher's face, and closed her eyes. She heard Bellatrix mutter the warming charm, and immediately felt warmer, as if she were relaxing by the fire in the Gryffindor lounge. She heard the warming charm again, and this time she was warm, but uncomfortably so, as if she were both too warm and about to throw up at the same time. She opened her eyes and the uncomfortable feeling disappeared, but the wary student couldn't help but give a slightly fearful look at her instructor. "It's ok. One more, then I will be done. Close them." She closed them.
Hermione heard the warming charm, and it was pronounced no differently than it had been before, but this time she felt warm in a different way. Like the first, comfortable sensation, but also in a more intimate way, as if she were being held by caring arms and made to feel safe. Hermione allowed herself the indulgence to stay quiet with her eyes shut, but when she started to feel the spell evaporate, she opened them quickly. She found the raven-haired witch smiling slightly at her, with an unreadable expression on her face.
"Umm… yeah. I see what you mean. Those were really… different."'
"Would you like to try? Not on me, I mean. I am not quite ready to feel the mood swings of a teenager." Bellatrix's voice had taken on a hard edge, just slightly, but it was there. "You can practice on a plant, and while it may not feel the difference, you will."
Hermione's heart was beating wildly. She had not yet recovered from the feeling of being embraced, and now she was being asked to try to willfully manipulate her spells to conceal her thoughts, mood and intentions. All she could think was that any attempt would do the opposite, and lay everything out there in the open. She wasn't even sure what she thought or felt, and she certainly didn't want Bellatrix to figure it out first.
"Uhh… erm… maybe not quite yet?" Hermione didn't think that Bellatrix would be pleased with this answer. She was a demanding teacher, and Hermione's comfort did not seem to be at the top of her concerns. To her surprise, however, the dark witch merely nodded curtly.
"It's late anyway. You should get back before your absence is noticed. And I have matters to attend to."
Hermione was surprised at the cold dismissal, but turned to leave quietly. The sound of Bellatrix's voice stopped her.
"Roxanna. You did well tonight."
Hermione turned back to face her beautiful, dark teacher. She nodded her thanks tentatively.
"And next time. Next time you WILL work hard."
She nodded more eagerly, this time with a smile on her face that lasted all the way back to the castle and back into bed. With nary an "ohm," but with a decidedly strong feeling of warmth and safety, Hermione fell fast asleep.