DISCLAIMER: I don't own anything from the Naruto universe.

Thinking (+ flashbacks, Naruto speaking to Kurama in her mindscape, etc.)

Emphasis

Bijuu, etc. speaking

Bijuu, etc. thinking

"I really am sorry," Naruto said as she rubbed her husband's shoulders. He was ignoring her, reading his smut, but at least allowing her to touch him. "I know I shouldn't have lost my temper."

Kakashi groaned when she began rubbing a particularly tender spot under his shoulder blade that he always had trouble with. He breathed in deeply as the relief yet good pain hit him, then stopped immediately, smelling her arousal. Honestly, she had a higher sex drive than he did, and that was saying something nowadays. "Back off, Naruto."

Naruto pouted and whirled away from him, turning on the television. She knew why he was so mad at her, but that didn't make it any easier! Wrestling was on, so that was cool, at least. She grabbed her orange throw from off of Kakashi's legs, spun around, and threw herself on the sectional. It didn't take her long to begin praising one of the wrestlers to the television itself since Kakashi was ignoring her. She could tell that her good cheer was pissing Kakashi off, but what was she supposed to do now? She was under a modified house arrest/probational period but never asked for Jiraiya of all people to be her caretaker!

A knock on the door stopped her pity party. "Shikamaru?"

"Don't go anywhere, Naru-chan," Kakashi called after her. Maturely, she stuck her tongue out at him and went outside.

"Come with me," Shikamaru said quietly. He sunk down low and Naruto followed his actions, wondering what was going on.

"Oooo…" There was a fight going on! A fight between the Sannin! She and Shikamaru knelt behind a large boulder that Kakashi hadn't moved yet and watched the two go at it from a distance. She applied chakra to her ears - but only for a moment or two.

"Dammit, Tsunade! How… how fucking could you?" Jiraiya sounded absolutely betrayed. Naruto squeezed her brother's hand, wondering if they should be listening after all. "Do you realize what I could've - what I SHOULD have - and he's… he's gone."

Oh God - Jiraiya was crying. Naruto quickly led Shikamaru away, feeling her own eyes welling up. She wiped the tears away and tried to stop sniveling. It was totally STUPID: but the vibes and chakra Jiraiya was putting out really affected her.

"I'm sorry, Naruto. They were yelling and throwing jutsu at one another when I arrived: neither of them even noticed me and I walked straight up to the door! For fuck's sake, what's going on between them? And what did you do?"

Naruto grimaced. "I may have tried to kill Danzo."

"What?!" Shikamaru was shocked and yet not. He let out an involuntary chuckle. "I hope they gave you a medal," he joked. "Tou-san was bitching more than usual about you, so I guess that's not the case."

Naruto shook her head sadly and led him back into the house. Kakashi glared at both of them then brought his book up in front of his face.

"Will you brush my hair?" Naruto asked Shikamaru, putting on her best puppy-eyed expression.

Shikamaru stood staring at her for quite some time, trying to will her to stop looking at him like that. Kakashi was throwing a little Killing Intent his way, but he could also feel Naruto's and Kurama's super warm chakra all around him. "Fine." He watched as the idiot skipped up the stairs, took a breath, and threw a quick grin at his brother-in-law.

Kakashi pointed a finger gun at him, shooting him - fortunately without chakra - before going back to his porn.

Naruto skipped back with her weird hairbrush that only had a few teeth, (a normal one had no chance of making it through her crazy, spiky hair,) and sat down on the floor between his knees. "Troublesome."

"Mou, I've had a hard day."

"One you created," Kakashi snarked from behind his book. He heard her sniffle pathetically and let out a loud sigh. Having a terrifying wife sure was irritating. He'd had to control her outside of the council room, using his Sharingan. Oddly enough, even though she was taking on a red chakra cloak and it looked like she was growing a tail, once inside of her mindscape, he found the Kyuubi just staring at him from behind those bamboo trees idly before the fox told him to fuck off.

And he could've sworn that the Kyuubi had company - but that was ridiculous!

Naruto collapsed in his arms after he used his borrowed eye. Jiraiya put a seal on her and she only had enough energy to flip Danzo off.

That didn't help anything.

Fucking asshole. The things that bandaged fucker was insinuating and straight out saying about his little wife infuriated him. Then, of course, his wife attacked the Elder in the hallway and he had to defend the old fucker. Not cool, Naru-chan. He lowered his book and glared at the big Nara brat. He could feel the jealousy rising up within him again, even as Shikamaru called Naruto stupid after she said something, but felt better when his Naru grabbed the hairbrush and began beating her brother with it. He snickered and began reading again, unsure if he liked his wife's hair better all combed out or wild and crazy.

She was beautiful either way.

"So how did your date go with Temari?" Kakashi's ears perked up, although he still hid behind his book.

"It didn't," Shikamaru said gloomily. "I got a note from her that Baki-sensei made them leave early. She won't be back until the final stage."

"Did she say anything about the date?"

"Just that she was sorry that she couldn't make it."

Naruto looked up and was glad to see the smirk that had taken over her brother's face, but his expression was still funny to her. "Gosh, you are such a brat!"

"Yet I'm not attempting to murder Elders."

"That guy sucks," Naruto said as she glared at the imaginary Danzo in front of her. "He totally deserves to die," she continued, pouting childishly as she crossed her arms under her chest.

"I know, Naruto. I know. Maybe not by your hand, though?"

Naruto reflected on it and moved to stare at the palms of her hands. A part of her dreamt of putting a Rasengan right through that Danzo's stupid face, then the only thing she could see was that Ame Genin's face and blood - and... She quickly got up to vomit and began washing her arm. There's so much blood!

Shikamaru ran after and stood watching his sister in the bathroom worriedly. He'd heard from Sai that Naru had lost it in the Forest, but found it incredibly hard to see her like this: she was worse than he'd her seen in a long time.

Naruto's PTSD had been so bad when she was younger. Both of them had it, having lived through and died in the Fourth Shinobi War, and neither of them could get help for it since their situation was so impossible. He always figured that Naruto's problems were even worse than his as a result of her and her clones being on so many battlefields all at once.

All of those memories from all of those horrors and battles scarred her so badly.

Plus there was her early childhood in this lifetime...

When she first came to live with them, back when her memory was absolute shit, she woke up screaming from nightmares a lot. She made excuses to his parents that it was from stuff she couldn't remember, but Shika was glad - and honored - that she'd told him the truth. He was also glad that she remembered almost nothing about that now.

He began to approach his sister but felt Kakashi's gloved hand on his shoulder.

"Naruto," he said quietly. She turned and grabbed her husband, sobbing silently into his chest. "I'm just gonna go, imouto," Shikamaru said, giving Kakashi a pointed look and a nod. His brother-in-law nodded back to him, then picked Naru up to carry her upstairs.

"Something's wrong with Ero-Sennin," Naru said once upstairs.

"Something's wrong with you," Kakashi said, then reprimanded himself for not phrasing what he meant properly. "What I want to know is what's going on?" And why do you want to kill Danzo so badly? Kakashi could admit that he wished the old Warhawk would just go die, too, along with the other two Elders, but Naruto seemed to have a particular grudge against him.

"I did something bad and I just... Keep... SEEING it," she grimaced, her teeth clenched as she stared at her hand.

There was a knock on his open bedroom door and Kakashi glared at the man who'd interrupted them. The Toad Sage looked like shit! "Jiraiya-sama," he "greeted" him, making sure to keep the growl out of his voice even though he was highly annoyed at being seen like this in his bedroom, cuddling his little wife - and just when she was opening up to him.

"Sorry to intrude," Jiraiya said awkwardly. "Naruto," he began before blowing out a big breath of air, "I heard what you just said. Does this have something to do with that Ame team?"

Obviously, it did, if Naruto's horrified expression was anything to go by. "How did you know?"

"Lady Angel wants information."

"Oh... FUCK!" Naruto exclaimed before she began to shake all over. "What have I done? Oh my God! What have I..."

"Jiraiya-sama," Kakashi snarled, "This is NOT the time!"

Jiraiya nodded his head but met his goddaughter's eyes. His "goddaughter." Yes, technically, that she was, but still... "I'll meet you in the morning for training, Naru-chan. We'll talk about it more then."

Naru whimpered and nodded her head. Before he could leave for her old bedroom she managed to ask him "Are you okay?"

"Of course I am," Jiraiya smiled goofily, but it didn't reach his puffy eyes. "I am the Great Toad Sage, you brat." He glared at Kakashi then rolled his eyes. "You're both brats. Goodnight."

There was a screech from the next room, Naru's old room. "Good gods, who the hell decorated this awful room?!"

"It's got toads to keep you company!" Naruto yelled back. Kakashi just shook his head at the two of them: they were both ridiculous.

"Good! I'll need them to protect me from this orange torture!"

Naruto pouted and looked at Kakashi before rubbing her eyes and face. "Sorry." Her hands sped through the signs for the summoning jutsu. "Kuchiyose no Jutsu." An orange toad poofed into their bedroom, making Kakashi sigh. He summoned his dogs who surrounded him and his wife to comfort her more as he laid down beside her: they always made him feel better. "Gamamichi, I need you to go stay with Jiraiya." She pointed to the next room; it was obvious that the rather cool-looking toad - for a toad - was excited to help her. "He's being a baby."

"Gotcha, Naru-sama!" Michi hopped away, obviously surprising Jiraiya as the man shrieked. "Whoa! Who decorated this room?! It's so cool!"

Naruto began to quietly laugh as she listened to Jiraiya trying to shoo the very agreeable and dependable toad away. When everything became quiet, Kakashi got up to shut and lock their door.

Bull got out of the way and let him lie back down. "Naru-chan, I'm here if you want to talk about it." He kissed her hand and fingertips and waited for her to say something, but she only eventually shook her head and buried herself closer to him. He sighed as she traced her fingers down and across his abs, raising his shirt up. He sat up, took it and his mask off, then wiggled his eyebrows at her. "Ya want to do it?"

"You're fertile," Kurama sneered, totally disgusted that he had to say such a thing. He was not sharing space with brats until after this whole damn Akatsuki thing was over, and even then the thought pissed him off. Being squished against a brat was no fun.

"GAH!" Naruto cried out. "NO! No, no no no!"

"Well fine! I was just asking. Damn," Kakashi mumbled the last curse.

"NO, I mean... Well... Do you have any condoms?"

"Keep it in your fucking pants, Uzumaki!"

Naruto blushed bright red and looked away from her curious husband.

"Does that mean you're not pregnant?"

"WHAT?! Of course, I'm not pregnant!"

"Well," Kakashi said, tilting his head cutely - just like one of his ninken, Naru thought - "We've been going at it pretty hard and constantly since that first time. We've never used protection." Naruto still looked baffled but he was sure she understood human sexuality. Doesn't she? "And you were throwing up earlier."

"Wha - No! And how are you so easygoing about this?"

Hmm. That's a good question. Kakashi shrugged his shoulders. "No, I don't have any condoms." A sneaky thought crept into his mind and he smiled broadly.

"What?"

"Punishment. I am planning your punishment!"

"You are such a pervert."

"What? I wasn't being... Oh, actually maybe I was!" He wiggled his eyebrows at her again and popped her on the ass when she got up to wash her face.

"You're ready for puppies," Pakkun said as if he were the Sage of Puppymaking, Kakashi thought grimly.

"No, I'm not. I just thought that maybe..."

"She was pregnant," Bisuke finished his sentence for him as his tail wagged wildly. Kakashi shrugged his shoulders then froze at realizing that they might be right. "No, no, no. It's too fast. I'm too fucked up to be a father!"

"Shut up, Kakashi," Pakkun said dispassionately to his pup/boss as he rolled his eyes. He and the others moved so that Naruto could crawl back in beside her mate. Boss sure is smitten. He watched them kiss, smiling at each other, feeling his little doggy heart warm. He turned around in circles to get comfortable in the bedding, approving that his entire pack was wagging their tails, too.

He'd bet that if Kakashi had one, it would be wagging!

The next morning, Kakashi was panicking at the realization that he'd have to make puppies in the next few years.

"I think that you might take yourself way too seriously!" Naruto gave him a wink as Kakashi slumped, still holding his nose through his mask.

Honestly, the shinobi nail polish she was putting on didn't smell THAT bad and he was the one who bought her the red color! She padded over to her husband and kissed his masked cheeks, still feeling guilty over her reactions at the council meeting - and after it, when she tried to jinchuuriki-poison/kill Danzo/pull out his hidden eyeball - that had caused her probation. Kakashi was partially in charge of her but supposedly couldn't be fully trusted. Utterly ridiculous: Kakashi was one of the most loyal ninjas in Konoha! Now Jiraiya was staying with them and was supposed to be accompanying her wherever she needed to go until the Chunin Exams Final when he wasn't around.

Kakashi was not pleased.

In addition to the non-pregnancy thing, he was also all worked up over promises he said he'd made to her when she was sleeping, but she trusted him?! What was she thinking?!

He'd explained to her about the Hatake genetics, their relation to the Great Ten-Tailed Wolf, and she was interested, agreeable, and understanding. Although... She told him that the fox said that the wolf was just a myth. But that was bullshit: that fact and story had been passed down in his family for centuries! And what did that stupid fox know? And why was it listening to their conversations?

Did sensei have to deal with stuff like this?!

Kakashi had never enjoyed having others in his home - his den, lair, or whatever one wants to call it - and never had. He never allowed sensei or Kushina-nee into his flat willingly, never asked Gai or Tenzo to come over for a drink. So he was still more than a little upset with Naru-chan for splaying so much Killing Intent that the entire civilian side of the council, as well as the Elders, lost their bladder control. Some had even lost what had been in their bowels. Not that he wanted to think about it again. No, when that happened he'd nearly keeled over from the smell, which wound up with her under temporary house arrest and probation. After she attacked Danzo.

"The Kyuubi must be removed and transferred! We don't know what could happen if she loses control, or Kami forbid, dies in childbirth!"

Danzo's words just before Naruto went foxy echoed in his head: they were absolutely repulsive. First Danzo wanted to force his love to have Uchiha babies, then he did force her into this marriage to him... Kakashi felt sick, thinking about what happened to Kushina-nee possibly happening to his beautiful wife.

"Your seal is much more powerful than your mother's. It does not have the same weaknesses that hers did. Your chakra reserves are also even more vast. That, combined with the Uchiha DNA…" Kakashi shook off the memory of the day he'd met his little wife: the day he married her. The Sandaime's words were reassuring - well, apart from the whole Uchiha thing.

If he had to admit it, and he wouldn't, what he'd learned about the council's planning for her with Sasuke of all people was one reason he disliked the brat. Although there are many reasons to dislike him.

Black eyes spun to red as a young man sneezed, waking up, after having his ass kicked by his new ANBU master.

"Wake up, Sasuke-chan," the ANBU agent with the blank mask that even lacked eyes, said as he grinned over him. Of course, his wide smile was hidden by his mask. "That was a genjutsu! You didn't even realize it. Man, you suck!"

Sasuke groaned but got up, hating this individual with his entire being, no matter how oddly familiar he felt.

.

He looked over at the bedside table on the side that Naru-chan slept on and realized that the drawer was open. Hearing her turn on the shower inside their en-suite bathroom made Kakashi wait a moment, before seeing what she now had in there since he moved his things out of it. Paper, Icha-Icha - Gods he loved this woman - and a journal along with something that smelled like flowers which he nearly threw away after finding it didn't match anything that smelled like Naru or had since he'd known her.

It's like she was made for me, he thought fondly before shaking himself.

God, he was a lovesick fool!

Knowing that he needed to retreat downstairs to the Toad Sage, Kakashi made a shadow clone. "Maa, keep an eye on Naruto-chan, figuratively. If I find out you've been in there with her naked, I'll be pissed." As he was about to walk out their bedroom door, he glanced back at his shadow clone, while wondering what kind of sense the instructions he'd just barked out really meant. His doppelganger just shrugged at him, so he blew off the idea of how he didn't care what he told himself oftentimes so that probably meant that his shadow clone wouldn't either.

Aside from Naruto literally scaring the piss out of more than half of the council, many good things had actually come of the meeting.

1. Senju Tsunade brought copies of her grandfather's journals that backed up the original village charter she brought that had been altered. Civilian members were supposed to equal shinobi clan members in the council, so by the time the next meeting rolled around, the Civilian Council would be down five voting members.

2. The Uzumaki clan wasn't technically considered a clan of Konoha, but Tsunade swore she had documentation that made an Uzumaki a permanent member of the general and shinobi Konoha councils, much like there was a spot open for the positions of Jonin Commander or Head of T&I no matter if that person was from a clan or not.

3. As the last member of Konoha with Uzumaki blood over 18, Tsunade-hime made Jiraiya-sama the Uzumaki designate, something that Jiraiya hadn't even whined about. Well, not until he was assigned as Naruto's minder for her probational period - but his complaints were mostly about being stuck with Kakashi.

4. Uchiha Sasuke would have to wait until he was either promoted to Jonin or 18 before taking his seat on the council, rather than what was specified in the fake charter.

5. Naru's parentage got out - thanks to her and Jiraiya's big mouths - and some civvie councilmen seemed either impressed or wary of messing with her now. Hopefully, they would give her some respect.

And not get her killed.

No, he couldn't allow that.

"You got an issue, brat," Jiraiya said to him as he sat at the table eating pancakes. One of Naruto's clones - as usual - was cooking up a storm. She - it - gave him a bowl of miso soup and a quick kiss on the cheek after making sure that the real Naruto wasn't around. Kakashi blushed furiously behind his mask and kept his head down as he put up a genjutsu to cover his face. He still swallowed the soup whole, which was sad. Naru's soup was really good!

"Damn idiot," Jiraiya mumbled as he glared at the Hatake pervert that had taken his poor sweet Naru-chan's innocence. It was unbelievable that the guy was still running around with that mask on. His brand, I guess. He wondered if Naru-chan had ever seen his dumb pale face. Jiraiya, himself, hadn't seen it since the kid was a toddler. A mean toddler. Poor old Sakumo, having to deal with Kakashi's shit...

Sakumo was like him, always getting crap because of the color of his "old man hair." He chuckled just thinking about it, eating Naru's delightful smiley-faced pancakes. She came over and piled more on his plate, carefully putting bacon and sausages on the top pancake to make the smiley face and its bacon hair. "Thank you! You're an excellent cook!"

"Thanks!"

"Alright Silver-brat, you got a new mission. Naruto, I need to speak with your... husband," he said as he glared at the Copy Nin.

"So uncool! ...Slaving over a damn stove and you just dismiss me like..." *POOF*

"Sorry about her," the real Naruto yelled from upstairs.

"I didn't know that was a shadow clone! Girl's too fucking talented; just like her old man." Jiraiya sighed, suddenly looking like he had aged twenty years. He stared down into his pancakes as Kakashi watched him, wondering what in the world had caused Jiraiya to look so miserable. Feeling uncomfortable, Kakashi moved to the island to fetch himself some pancakes. As long as these western-style things didn't have syrup, they were pretty good. He stacked bacon all over his pancakes before putting eggs on top of all of it, hot sauce on top of that, then put another pancake on top.

"Breakfast sandwich," Kakashi explained, giving the Sage a grin as he inhaled part of the delicious food.

"Damn pervert," Jiraiya muttered ironically. "Here's the deal. There's a faction in ROOT that wants to follow you."

"What?!"

Jiraiya nodded his head as he munched on a slice of bacon. "Sai-brat provided intel that we've got more disciples..."

"Icha-Icha?!"

"That's right! Apparently, that weird kid got a bunch of other ROOT ops reading it; now they're exploring their sexuality, that kind of shit. Woodchuck told me."

"Tenzo," Kakashi confirmed. "Hmm. What does that have to do with me?" Half of his breakfast sandwich literally disappeared into his digestive system. "Since Danzo ordered me to kill the Hokage, I've tried to avoid ROOT."

"Sensei's a senile idiot. Tsunade agrees and wants to overthrow the government." Kakashi began choking on his food. "She won't do it," the Sage continued, crossing his arms over his ridiculously large chest. "She's a liar."

Kakashi's eyes widened for a moment at the statement but he wasn't going to ask... After finishing his food, he washed the dishes while Jiraiya dried and cursed his existence in Naru's life. "You're gonna take over the Icha-Icha ROOT faction."

"Nooooo," Kakashi purposely made his voice whiney. "I don't wanna."

"And we're having a family dinner tonight. Better tell Naruto. Where the hell is that girl?"

"I'll get her." He needed to get away from these terrible assignments. Reaching their bedroom, Kakashi glared at his shadow clone. His doppelganger was trying to assure his little wife that she'd do a GREAT job at giving him a blowjob even though it was her first time. He quickly barged into the room and flung a shuriken at the cocky bastard while Naruto squeaked. Receiving its memories, Kakashi groaned because now he had a hard-on. This was why he didn't use shadow clones for personal things.

"I wasn't going to do it!"

"Hmph. Come with me, Naru-chan," Kakashi ordered, taking her hand and pulling her off the bed. He gave her a quick kiss before thinking better of walking around in this condition, sitting back down where she had just been and rubbing his temples, trying to will away his new problem. "This sucks. Don't kiss or love on my shadow clones." Jiraiya arrived at their door, glaring at him again. He knew the old man would cock block him, but he was actually a little relieved. Who knew that the Toad Sage was such a turn-off? "I need Naru-chan to go to the store with me. She's gotta buy something: it's punishment."

"Fucking Hatakes," Jiraiya groaned while turning around. "Meet me in the back when you're done, Naru-chan. And grab some shit for dinner tonight: there will be five of us!"

"Kay!"

"Oh, gods no; please don't make me do this," Naruto whined. She knew her face - probably her whole head - was as red as a beet.

Kakashi grinned behind his book and masks as they entered a large grocery store that he was sure would be friendly to his little wife. "Punishment, Hime. Or I could think of something worse... Plus we need them."

"Shit."

Naruto repeated what Yoshina-kaa-san always told her in her mind like a mantra: "When you're mature enough to have sex, you're mature enough to buy protection." Yoshino never had a problem buying condoms or other things, so neither would she.

Oh man, it's so embarrassing, though. Realizing that the condoms were behind the pharmacy counter, she groaned. "Ohayo, clerk-san!" She looked at Kakashi and decided to get back at him for pranking her like this. It feels like a prank anyway. "I'd like to buy your biggest, widest, longest condoms! Can you give me a recommendation? I've heard that ribbed ones were really good, but I need something to go around a really big..."

"Chocolate," Kakashi said, completely nonplussed.

"What?! Chocolate?"

"Oh," the clerk turned even redder than Naru had just been. "Yes of course. Chocolate - uhh - flavored."

Naruto bit the groan that was about to come out of her mouth and nodded her head, forcing a grin to her horribly blushing face.

"Taicho, Blondie," came a familiar and annoying voice.

Naruto wanted to hide in the corner, while her husband just absently waved from behind his porn. "Guys," he greeted. "Tenzo, come with me please."

A weird, obviously-ROOT person came up to Naruto, following her inky teammate - way too closely. "I would appreciate a report on how accurate the flavor representation is to the real thing, Uzumaki-san. And if the condoms you're getting are indeed large enough."

"Oh God: somebody kill me," Naruto groaned. "Sai. A little help here?"

Meanwhile, Kakashi had pulled a tomato-faced Tenzo into the corner. His kohai was apologizing all over himself, but Kakashi shushed him and placed a seal on the floor, right in front of the watermelons. "Tenzo, what's this about a potential rebellion within ROOT?"

Naruto listened as Sai and his ROOT friend talked and talked about what they'd learned from Icha-Icha and popped open a soda. The guy Sai brought with him was so weird, she doubted he'd ever get laid, although he had a lot of interesting ideas for what he'd do if it ever happened. Ones that shouldn't be discussed openly in a grocery store, though.

"Naruto," Shukaku said, meeting her in her expanded mindscape. Kurama was sitting up and giving his brother a concerned look, and Naru couldn't tell what Chomei's expression was, but things seemed serious. "There has been an attempted coup in Suna."

"What?! Oh my gosh, is Gaara okay? His siblings?!"

"Yes. They have joined to move against that father of his," Shukaku sneered.

"Holy shit!"