DISCLAIMER: Pretty Little Liars and all its characters is the intellectual property of others. Some characters used in the writing of this fic belong to PLL. Events that transpire, will transpire and have transpired in this story are entirely of my own creation.
Thanks for the reviews and for not losing interest in this fic. Apologies for the long wait and for rarely replying to your tweets.
sampledbeats, WeAreLife, allyfrae, Rudy Maro, andreaburjas, crunchy-crush, Karla05full, Llovesarah, danniegurl143, subway20, and MikkiT... Thanks for the PMs.
So I've been toying with the idea of splitting this chapter into two parts for some time now, hence my tweet yesterday. Well the poll has closed and 75% of the 44 people who cast their vote (thanks for participating, btw) wanted me to go through with making this chapter a "two-parter". I hope I can post the other half soon. But for now here's the first half.
PART THREE: "Non Progredi Est Regredi"
~ To not go forward is to go backward. ~
CHAPTER FIVE (PART ONE)
"Nah. Too formal." Spencer commented, referring to the black velvet off-the-shoulder top Emily was thinking of donning. It was the third outfit that her friend showed her since she got there but from the looks of it they were no closer to finding the 'right' clothes for the girl to wear today.
Emily sighed and rummaged through her cabinet again as she looked for something a little less formal to wear. She finally took out a green, long sleeve top and held it up to show to the girl who was lying on her stomach while reading a magazine on her bed.
Spencer nodded thoughtfully. "That could work." She said until Emily turned the top around to show that it was backless and her eyes grew wide. "I take it back. No. Too sexy." Spencer declared, shaking her head. "Anyway, Melissa offered to let us stay with her and Adrian the entire summer. Which is perfect because that's the only way we can afford to go there."
Emily reluctantly browsed through her clothes again, not really paying attention to what her friend was saying. Jai could show up any minute now and she didn't want to make the girl wait. "How about this?" She asked, holding up an orange shift dress this time.
"Whoa. Are you trying to blind me? No. Too bright." Spencer answered while making a face. "Just wear something simple, Em. I can't believe you're having a hard time finding something to wear."
"I'm not." Emily protested, returning the dress and looking for something less distracting in her wardrobe. "I just want to make sure I look... presentable."
Spencer let out a laugh. "Right. Are you sure it's not because you're nervous? After all-"
"Yes. I'm sure." Emily interjected, finally settling for the simple lavender v-neck tee she knew she looked good in and quickly changing into it.
"Finally." Spencer quipped. "So. Now that you've got your attire figured out, can we please focus on our plans for the summer? I really think you should come with us to Hawaii." She coaxed, giving her friend a pleading look.
Emily sighed. "I don't know. I don't want to ruin your summer vacation again." She hedged.
"Hey. You didn't ruin anything. We wanted you there, sober or not." Spencer reassured her friend. "You could really use a break with everything that's happened."
"I just think it'd be better if I stayed here. Spend more time with my mom and dad." Emily added lamely.
"You're a good daughter, Em. I'm sure they won't mind if you spent your summer in Hawaii." Spencer assured the girl. "Come on. Sun, sand, and sea with your three best friends in the whole wide world? It has to be better than staying here with-"
"Spence..." Emily interjected and sighed. "Fine. I'm not making any promises but I'll think about it." She said, making her friend smile.
"That's all I'm asking." Spencer replied just as her phone rang.
Emily went back to changing her clothes as the girl answered the call, tuning out the conversation as she put on a pair of skinny jeans before walking over to her dresser to check her reflection.
"That was Aria." Spencer told her friend after she hung up. "She said they're just about to leave Hanna's. Apparently our friend had the same problem as you. She couldn't decide what to wear so she had to change clothes several times." She added with a pointed look.
"Seriously? She couldn't decide what to wear to go shopping?" Emily asked, shaking her head wryly.
"Yeah. Go figure." Spencer said as she stood up. "Anyway, they're probably going to be here in ten minutes so I'm gonna go powder my nose or something."
Left to herself, Emily stared at her reflection again before blindly reaching for her lip gloss. She carefully applied the cherry-flavored stick then smacked her lips together, the fruity scent and sweet taste triggering a memory.
Eight Months Ago...
Emily took a step back to check her reflection in the bathroom mirror and smacked her lips together just as she heard the bedroom door open and close. She ran a hand through her hair and checked her reflection one last time, the scent and taste of her cherry-flavored gloss lingering on her lips as she stepped outside.
"Hey. You look nice." Spencer complimented in greeting as she placed her bag on the study table. "Heading out to somewhere fancy?"
"Thanks." Emily replied, walking over to her side of the room to get her bag. "And no. I'm not meeting Jai. I'm just grabbing a late dinner with some of my teammates." She told the girl and rolled her eyes at her friend's obvious attempt to pry. "How was dinner with your future in-laws?"
Spencer groaned. "The food was good. But the conversation was way too serious." She answered as she took a seat on her bed. "I think all that talk about my plans and Connor's plans and our plans after college gave me indigestion." Spencer complained, making a face as she rubbed her belly. "Connor's mom can give my mom a run for her money. I mean, come on. We're just sophomores. We still have two years before graduation, woman. Chill."
Emily laughed. "Look on the bright side. At least you don't have to worry about his parents not liking you." She pointed out.
"Oh I was never worried about that. Parents love me." Spencer told her friend confidently. "I've just never been someone's girlfriend long enough to make future plans, you know? It feels kinda weird. But in a good way." She hurriedly added.
"Jai and I... we used to stay up for hours dreaming about our future. We just laid on her bed or talked over the phone about who we want to be, where we want to go, what we want to do." Emily reminisced, smiling at the memory. "Until one of us falls asleep, that is."
Spencer studied her friend thoughtfully before leaning backward. "Speaking of Jai. I passed by Barclay Prime on my way to meet Connor and his parents at the Warwick Hotel and I saw her seated by the window." She informed the girl, referring to the fine dining steakhouse near Rittenhouse Square. "She's still waiting for you to show up in case you were wondering."
"I know." Emily answered, the feeling of guilt returning at the thought of deliberately standing up Jai everyday. It's been a week since the girl asked her to make a choice and she wasn't proud of it but she was no closer to making one. It was keeping her up until the wee hours of the morning and while she wanted to get mad at Jai for putting her in this position, she knew deep down that the girl was right. "Jai's not one to give up so easily."
"Okay. Well, do you know how long she waits for you everyday?" Spencer asked. "Because I pointed her out to Connor on our way home and he remembered almost hitting her with his car a couple of nights ago. Don't worry. No one got hurt." She reassured her friend when Emily's eyes widened in alarm. "He said it was around ten when it happened and that he was really exhausted. He came from visiting his parents at the hotel and she was coming out of the restaurant just as Connor rounded the corner. Good thing he stepped on the brakes before Jai could cross the street. He was tempted to yell at her for not looking but decided against it when he noticed that she was distracted. Did you know that she sits there until the restaurant closes?"
Emily shook her head. "No. I mean, I just thought she'd wait for an hour or two. We didn't really talk about it." She admitted.
"Well, like you said, she's not one to give up so easily. And it's really no surprise considering how much she loves you." Spencer added. "Look. I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. It's just that I feel for her. She's sitting there waiting for you to either make her happy or break her heart and I'm no expert but that's terrifying. I know it doesn't seem like it because ever since we've known her she's always been this laid back, put-together girl but I know deep down she's a mess. Just sitting there every night waiting for you to show up. And even then, having to hear who you'd choose is nerve-wracking. Why don't you just choose her? I don't see your mystery girl making this amount of effort." She pointed out. "Does she even know what Jai's asking you to do?"
"I don't know. Maybe?" Emily answered, suddenly engrossed with double-checking the contents of her bag.
Spencer frowned. "Maybe?" She repeated. "How could she not know? Did you not tell her?"
Emily sighed. "Spence, you're making it sound so easy but it's not. Okay? I don't want to do it over the phone. That seems informal. But I don't know how to tell her in person without sounding like I'm expecting her to do something about it." She explained.
"Well aren't you?" Spencer asked. "Isn't that the point? I don't know this girl but it kinda seems unfair that she has no idea that Jai asked you to choose. Although to be honest, I didn't know there was a choice to make in the first place. You refuse to talk about what's going on in that head of yours and while I understand you want to figure things out for yourself, I don't want you to forget that I'm here."
"I know that." Emily said, her tone apologetic and grateful at the same time. "I'm sorry I've been so secretive lately. It's just really-"
"Complicated." Spencer finished. "I know. That's what you keep saying. And like I keep telling you, I'm here for you. Whatever choice you make." She reassured her friend.
"But?" Emily asked, feeling like Spencer was holding something back.
"But... you can't even tell us the identity of this other girl you're seeing and I think we both know the reason for that. You're not sure." Spencer gently explained. "And if that's the case then maybe the choice isn't that hard to make after all. Which begs the question, what are you still waiting for?"
Emily raised her hand helplessly and sighed. "Certainty."
"I don't get it. Why can't they just print more money if there's not enough to go around?" Paige asked, scratching her head in confusion as she and Reese walked toward Stouffer College House. "This really sucks. Barely into the semester and I'm already having a hard time understanding this whole Monetary Economics thing. How am I supposed to pass the subject?"
"By studying." Reese said wryly. "But to answer your question, it all has something to do with the government's gold reserve. Don't worry. I'm sure you'll get it once your professor explains it in class." She reassured her friend when the girl seemed even more confused.
Paige groaned. "At least one of us thinks so." She replied. "Is it too late to drop the course?"
"Don't you dare do that!" Reese reprimanded. "Dropping the course won't make it go away. It's a required subject." She reminded the girl. "Don't get too worked up about it. That's why we have these study groups."
"I guess." Paige uttered blankly.
"So. Have you figured out what to do yet?" Reese asked, trying to change the subject. "It's been a week since your best friend dropped that Emily bombshell on you."
Paige sighed. "You don't have to remind me. I'm torn, Reese. I don't want to give up on her but either way, I know Jai won't give up without a fight." She explained dejectedly.
"Have you talked to Fields since you found out about the ultimatum?" Reese inquired.
Paige shook her head. "No. I don't know what to say." She confessed. "I mean, where do I even start? Hey, I heard Jai asked you to choose. How's that coming along?"
Reese gave the girl a sympathetic look before her expression turned to one of amusement. "Well, you better come up with something. Fast." She added as she motioned for her friend to follow her gaze.
Paige's breath caught in her throat when she saw Emily crossing the street toward them and she gave Reese a panicked look, mentally asking the girl for help.
"Fields. Fancy running into you this time of night." Reese said in greeting once Emily was near enough to hear her. "Making the most out of the semester before I start calling for dodgeball practice every night?"
"Nice to see you, too." Emily shot back, smiling at the girl. "Don't worry. I didn't forget about the house cup."
"Good. Because you and Hastings are my best players and this being my last year and all, I really wanna win that cup." Reese whispered conspiratorially. "Practice starts Monday night at nine. Don't be late." She added sternly.
"I won't." Emily promised before focusing her attention on the silent girl standing next to Reese. "Hey."
"Hey." Paige repeated, waving her hand awkwardly.
Reese looked back and forth at the two girls then exhaled loudly. "Well, then. I guess that's my cue to exit." She said, giving her friend a meaningful look. "You kids behave, alright? No more fighting." Reese ordered as she wagged a finger at them before leaving.
"I'm guessing she knows what's going on?" Emily commented while watching Reese walk away.
"Not everything." Paige admitted. "You, uh, headed back to Harrison?"
Emily nodded. "From dinner with my teammates." She added. "You?"
"Going to a study group with Reese at Stouffer. I parked near Harrison." Paige explained as she vaguely gestured behind them.
"Right." Emily uttered while trying to come up with something else to say. "So-"
"How's it going?" They asked at the same time, making them laugh awkwardly. Emily then motioned for the other girl to go first.
"Uh, still swamped with school and sports stuff but otherwise I'm okay." Paige replied. "You?"
"Same. But with MUSE and my job at the cafe in the mix so I win." Emily added wryly. "Oh. Hey. How did that meeting with your adviser go by the way? Are you any closer to declaring a concentration?"
Paige shook her head. "Nope. Still undecided. I'm starting to think I'm not cut out for anything but sports." She lamented.
"Come on. Don't say that." Emily gently reprimanded the girl. "I'm sure there must be something else you're interested in. You just need to explore your options."
"Actually... there's this thing my adviser suggested. It's called the Sophomore Career Exploration Series. Apparently there's one every semester." Paige divulged. "He said the participants go to New York and DC for business site trips to tour company facilities, meet with executives, and attend Q and A panels. I'm thinking of going."
"Well, if it will help you make a decision you definitely should." Emily encouraged.
Paige bit her bottom lip anxiously. "Want to come with-?"
"Jai asked me to choose." Emily blurted out at the same time.
"Yeah. I, uh, know." Paige confessed. "She told me about it last week."
"Oh. Okay." Emily uttered. "Um, so... what do you think?" She asked, suddenly growing nervous.
Paige took a deep breath before replying. "I think... that as much as I'm against what Jai did, she's right. You have a choice to make." She admitted reluctantly.
"And?" Emily prodded. "Is that it?"
"Yeah. I mean, what else do you want me to say?" Paige asked, confused.
"Nothing. I guess I just thought you would plead your case or something." Emily answered hesitantly.
Paige scoffed. "You mean unlike Jai who's been spending her nights just sitting around waiting for you to show up at some restaurant, right?" She shot back, her temper suddenly flaring. "Yeah. She told me about that, too." Paige continued when the girl gave her a surprised look. "She was a little vague as to the details but I get her point. It's her grand gesture to win you back. I think it's lame."
"At least she's doing something." Emily remarked as she tried to keep the hurt out of her voice.
"Yeah, well, I'm not Jai, Emily." Paige reminded the girl. "I think you're mistaking me for her again."
"No. I'm not. I know exactly who I'm talking to right now." Emily argued.
"Good. Because I'll never be her." Paige stated firmly. "Either you want to be with me or you don't."
Emily stared at the girl, unable to believe how the conversation turned out. "Wow. At least now I know that's what you really think." She retorted. "I'm gonna go. Reese is probably wondering where you are anyway. Goodnight." Emily managed to say before walking past the girl.
Paige sighed in frustration as she watched Emily leave. She knew she just screwed up. Paige wanted to run after the girl to apologize but it won't make any difference. Because she knew what Emily wanted her to say. She just wasn't sure if she should.
"Of course you should!" Kayla answered before dropping her chopsticks inside the takeout box she was eating from. "And I hate to say this but you were sort of being a douche. I can't believe you said those words to her. Either you want to be with me or you don't? Come on."
Paige groaned. "I know." She uttered, running a hand through her hair in exasperation. "You don't have to tell me. I know I screwed up, okay? Can we please talk about something else? Like how your classes in Drexel are going or how cold the weather is." Paige suggested as she channeled all her frustration on a piece of orange chicken by piercing it harder than she intended with her chopstick.
The two girls were seated in the living room of Kayla's apartment on Monday night, having dinner while catching up on things. Paige was actually about to head out in the hopes of finding something to eat when Jai's sister knocked on her door and she couldn't say no to free Chinese takeout from across the hall so she gladly abandoned that plan to join the girl instead. She just didn't think their conversation would veer toward her, Emily, and Jai. Though she should've seen it coming, really. Kayla baited her with the promise of Shrimp Egg Rolls and she fell for it.
"Oh no way. You're not getting off that easy." Kayla said, shaking her head firmly. "So? Why did you say those words to her?"
Paige sighed. "Look. It's not like I'm not doing what Jai's doing. I'm waiting for Emily to make a decision, too." She answered defensively. "Only unlike your sister I'm doing it at the comfort of my apartment. Or, you know, running laps in Franklin Field." Paige added, slightly embarrassed. "Just because I refuse to spend my nights nervously waiting at some fancy restaurant doesn't mean I don't want her to choose me. We all deal with things differently."
"Okay. So... why not tell her that instead of acting like an arrogant jerk?" Kayla pointed out.
"Gee. Thanks." Paige shot back wryly. "I don't know. Because I ruin things. That's what I do." She said, seemingly defeated. "Besides, your sister has a point. I'm just going to end up hurting Emily down the road and I don't want to do that. Maybe it's better this way."
"Paige, you love her. I don't need to tell you that. And now you have a chance to actually be with her. You don't have to hide your feelings anymore so don't throw away that chance just because you're scared." Kayla admonished. "We both know the last thing you want to do is hurt her."
"Yeah, but I might hurt her unintentionally." Paige clarified.
Kayla's eyes narrowed into slits. "So what you're saying is, you're giving up your chance to be happy now because someday you might hurt her? That doesn't even make sense!" She exclaimed. "Did it ever occur to you that she might hurt you, too? Why give up on Emily for something you're not even sure of?"
"Wait a minute. Why are you on my side?" Paige asked, confused. "In all of this. Why are you rooting for me and Emily? Jai's your sister. You should be rooting for them." She reminded the girl.
"I'm not taking sides." Kayla countered. "I know this sounds selfish but the situation, which sucks by the way, affects me, too. I care about all of you so even if it seems impossible I want everyone to be happy when this is all over. That's what I'm rooting for." She confessed. "The reason I want you to fight for Emily is because I don't want her to be with Jai by default. I want them to be together because she picked my sister when she was faced with a choice. Don't you think you owe it to yourself to find out? If she chooses you, you get to be happy with her. If not, you get to move on with no regrets because you know you did what you could to keep her."
Emily bolted out of Williams Hall on Tuesday morning and quickly made a beeline for the direction of the quad. Her professor in Introduction to Financial Accounting dismissed them ten minutes past the actual time that their class was supposed to end so now she was running late to meet Spencer for brunch before they head back to Harrison. Spencer, to study for an exam; her, for her shift at the cafe. Good thing the quad was just a block away.
Please don't be mad. Emily mentally pleaded as she waited impatiently for the 'WALK' sign at the intersection to turn green. Spencer hated tardiness among other things since her friend was raised to be punctual. It annoyed the hell out of her when people made her wait and would point out the use of a watch and an alarm clock to Hanna whenever their other friend ran late. Although technically this wasn't her fault so Emily hoped just this once her friend's ire can be easily swayed with a big slice of dark chocolate cake.
Emily brushed past several groups of students once she got to the other side of the street but almost ran into someone so she stepped to her left to avoid them, only for her to bump into another person instead. She was about to apologize to whoever it was but her mouth went dry when her eyes met Jai's blue ones.
"Well, that was close." Jai uttered in greeting and gave the girl an amused grin. "I meant for that other person. Good thing I was here." She quipped.
"I am so sorry. I was in such a hurry I didn't see you there." Emily explained. "Are you okay?"
"Yup. Still in one piece." Jai assured the girl. "Don't sweat it. I didn't see you either. Next time I'll be sure to stay out of your way, though." She promised. "Or, you know, leave early for my next class so I'd have a head start from this crowd. That could work."
"Yeah. You should try that." Emily bantered. "Where are you headed anyway?"
"To a snooze fest. Also known as Intro to Experimental Psychology." Jai answered, brandishing a heavy textbook in front of the girl.
"Wow. That sounds so smart." Emily commented.
Jai rolled her eyes. "Believe me, it's not. It's just a bunch of lectures that I end up falling asleep in the middle of." She confessed. "So there. I'm running late for my nap time that's why I'm in this crowd. What about you? What's your excuse?"
Emily laughed. "Same." She replied. "Not... for your class." Emily hurriedly added when Jai seemed confused. "I'm having brunch with Spence. Which I'm running late to by the way thanks to my professor."
Jai cringed. "Oh no. That can't be good. But it wasn't your fault so maybe you could try negotiating with a big slice of dark chocolate cake. That should do the trick." She suggested.
Emily shook her head in amusement. "That's exactly what I had in mind." She revealed. "You know my friends so well."
"Well, they're important to you and you're important to me so..." Jai trailed off as they stared at each other awkwardly. "Oh, hey, I know that film!" She exclaimed when she spotted a DVD on top of the books Emily was carrying. "It's a classic tale of a woman who's completely torn between her past, present, and future with two men." Jai continued before giving the girl a curious look. "You're not using that by any chance to make a decision, are you?"
"What? No. Of course not." Emily answered, her eyes growing wide. "No. It's for my Gender and Sexuality Studies class. Turns out West's girlfriend has a copy so I didn't have to rent it. I'm returning it to him when I come in for my shift at the cafe later." She explained.
"Oh. So you're writing a reaction paper on it?" Jai guessed.
"Sort of. It's more of an analysis actually. On whether or not the woman made the right decision, what were the factors that affected her decision, and if I would make the same choice or a different one if I were in her place. I have to justify my choice but I have to cite my references as well. Otherwise it'll be easy." Emily said wryly.
"And they can't have that. This is college." Jai quipped. "Well, I've watched that film countless times. I could help you with the pros and cons of her decision if you want." She offered.
"Thanks but I think I'd rather make the choice by myself. I want to be able to write my paper without outside influence. Does that make sense?" Emily asked hesitantly.
Jai nodded. "Yeah. Totally. You need to put yourself in her shoes after all. I just thought I'd offer." She told the girl with a small smile.
"I'm almost done with it anyway." Emily continued, feeling like she had to explain herself. "Just a few more paragraphs I need to expound on, couple of footnotes to add, and I can make it in time for the deadline."
"Which is?" Jai prodded.
"This afternoon." Emily answered with a groan. "I know." She said when the girl seemed surprised. "You of all people know I don't usually cram but I've been so busy lately with school and MUSE and swimming and work... and then dodgeball practice for the house cup started last night and it was brutal. By the time Spencer and I got back to our room my muscles were sore I just didn't have the energy to get up and-"
"Breathe, Em." Jai interjected, touching the girl's arm soothingly. "You don't have to worry about acing that paper. You have a knack for writing so I doubt you won't get an A plus."
"I'm... not that good. But thanks for the vote of confidence." Emily said wryly.
"Hey. I'm not lying. You write great papers." Jai insisted. "And for what it's worth, whatever happens, my confidence in you won't change. I'll always be your biggest fan. Next to Pam and Wayne of course."
"And I yours." Emily promised. "Next to Kayla and Logan."
Jai winced. "Ooh... I don't know about that. Sometimes I feel like you believe in me more than my dad does." She said before letting out a small laugh.
Emily bit her bottom lip nervously. "So... you think we can be friends if things don't turn out the way you want?" She asked. "Not that I've made up my mind or anything. I was just wondering."
"Well, I'm not gonna lie. It's going to be hard to be just a friend to you and see you around with Paige. But yeah, we could try." Jai said after a moment of silence. "Is that the answer you were hoping for?"
Emily gave the girl a relieved smile. "Yeah. I know I'm going to sound selfish for saying this but I don't want us to be strangers. There's too much history between us." She admitted.
"I agree." Jai replied. "I can't imagine not being a part of your life either. So yeah, I can try to be your friend if that's what you want. I'll be mature about the whole thing." She promised. "But until you've decided what becomes of us, I'm not losing hope that I still mean something more. I can be your friend. Doesn't mean I want to be just your friend. After all, I'm Peter and you're Deirdre." Jai said confidently, tapping the DVD cover before walking away.
"Ugh. My muscles are sore. I think I need a massage." Reese said, arching her back and groaning in pain as she walked alongside Paige to head to the parking lot of Franklin Field Stadium after track practice.
"I think you need to retire. That's a sign of aging right there." Paige quipped. "Ow!" She suddenly exclaimed, stopping to rub her left arm when the girl punched her lightly.
"Not too old to land that punch." Reese countered with a smug grin. "Got any special plans tonight?" She asked as they resumed walking. "Are you going to sulk in your room? Stare off into space? Wallow in a corner? Maybe ponder on that encounter you had with Emily?"
"Funny." Paige retorted. "And no, I'm not getting a massage with you tonight."
"Who said anything about getting a massage together?" Reese asked with a laugh. "I just asked if you have plans not if you wanted to get a massage with me. Pay attention!"
"Whatever." Paige uttered, slightly mortified. "It doesn't matter anyway because my answer is still no. I don't have plans tonight. I wanted to ask Emily to meet me so I could apologize to her in person but I don't want the conversation to be a disaster like the last time so I'm putting that off until tomorrow. I haven't organized my thoughts just yet." She admitted. "I'll probably do some light reading before calling it a day."
"Light reading? That sounds boring. Do it some other time. Perhaps this weekend." Reese suggested. "Tonight, may I propose having dinner with me instead at that newly-opened Indian restaurant in Rittenhouse Square?" She asked, raising a perfectly sculpted eyebrow at her friend. "Totally on me of course."
Paige laughed. "It better be. What? No date tonight?" She teased.
"Well... I am paying so we could consider this a date if you want." Reese offered, pretending to mull over the idea as she bit her bottom lip to keep herself from laughing out loud.
"Oh in your dreams, Patrice!" Paige shot back as she pushed the girl lightly.
Reese narrowed her eyes. "You're lucky I like you so I'm gonna let that one slide." She said, her tone grave. "Next time you're gonna pay a dollar for saying my birth name."
"Patrice." Paige taunted.
"Oh come on!" Reese exclaimed. "Now you're just being mean. Just say yes already. I'm craving for macarons and I could use the company."
"Macarons?" Paige repeated, confused. "I hate to break it to you but last time I checked there are no macarons in an Indian restaurant." She pointed out.
"Duh. Of course I know that. But there's a store near it that sells them. It'll be like hitting two birds with one stone. Come on." Reese pleaded.
Paige frowned. "You have weird food cravings." She commented. "Fine. So long as I'm not eating rabbit I'm in. They're cute and fluffy and I wanted one for a pet when I was a kid." Paige explained when the girl gave her a curious look.
"Okay. Well, how do you feel about lamb?" Reese asked while trying to keep a straight face. "Was Mary your secret childhood heroine? Did you imagine you were Mary and that you were best friends with that little lamb?"
"No." Paige answered innocently. "I just don't like the taste of lamb. Don't laugh!" She reprimanded Reese when the girl began to giggle. "Now who's being mean? It's not funny!" Paige admonished but her friend kept laughing.
"I'm sorry. I just keep... imagining you... wearing a dress... and a hat... holding a shepherd's staff..." Reese explained in between short breaths. "Then there's that little lamb just standing next to you. It's so funny!" She managed to say before breaking into laughter again.
"Yeah. It's hilarious." Paige deadpanned. "Are you done making fun of me and my childhood? Because I'm-"
"What?" Reese asked when her friend suddenly stopped talking.
"Hold on." Paige said, raising one finger when she felt her phone vibrate so she took it out of her pocket to see who just texted her. "It's Emily." She told Reese as she read the short message several times. "She's asking if we could meet tonight around eight PM." Paige continued as she hastily typed a reply.
"She tell you why?" Reese asked, the laughter in her voice completely gone when she noticed the sudden change in the girl's posture.
Paige shook her head. "No. Just that she's almost done with her MUSE meeting and that she wants to talk after." She said, sending another message before pocketing her phone and looking at her watch. "It's quarter to eight. Reese-"
"I guess I'm having dinner by myself tonight." Reese interjected then gave her friend an understanding smile. "Go."
"I'm sorry. I'll make it up to you some other time." Paige promised as she fished around for her car keys inside her duffel bag.
"You better. Because I'm not letting you bail on me on that Indian restaurant." Reese shot back. "I just hope Cafe Prima still has some turkey sandwich left for me tonight or it's grilled cheese and tomato soup again." She added wryly. "Now gather your thoughts and go see what she wants."
Paige gave her friend a grateful smile then broke into a run toward her car. She was about to go inside when she heard Reese calling out to her so she turned around to face the girl.
"Good luck!" Reese hollered encouragingly and waited for Paige to leave before going her separate way.
8:20. Ten more minutes. Jai thought when she saw the time on her watch. She looked around the well-lit restaurant to casually survey the crowd again, aware that she was still the only diner seated by herself considering the place was packed for a Tuesday night. The staff probably thought she was pathetic for insisting to be sat on a table for two every night that she's been there but she didn't mind. So long as Emily remember and decide to return to the life they planned together, she would brush off the whispers and sad looks they've been giving her. Because this was where their future became real for them. Granted, they were only fifteen or sixteen around that time, but it was the start of what their life could be like after high school. At least for her. The things they dreamed of in their vision board when they were just thirteen began to feel real when they came to UPenn for a campus tour and this was the place they went to afterward to celebrate. She won't give up on them so easily. She can't lose her. Not when Emily's the only thing that makes sense in her life right now.
Let them talk. Jai told herself. In a few minutes Emily would walk in and they would immediately realize why she has been waiting for days. She was trying her best to appear calm ever since she got that text from Emily but her legs were a dead giveaway as they bounced restlessly under the table, telling her she was a nervous wreck. Emily said she would be there around 8:30 and she couldn't help but feel apprehensive. Does that mean she already met with Paige? Or are they going to meet after? Was Emily just dropping by or was the girl staying? Jai didn't have it in her to ask all the questions that have been bothering her because Emily's answers would only make her even antsier.
You're the one who made her choose. Get it together! Jai mentally admonished herself and tried to calm down by taking several deep breaths. She knew Emily finally came to a decision. The girl wouldn't have asked to meet with her just because. Jai wasn't sure if their encounter earlier that day gave the push Emily needed to make a choice but she hoped it made the girl consider giving their relationship another try. Emily won't throw away the years they spent together just like that. Right? She and Paige can't possibly have what they do. Trust. Respect. Honesty. Commitment. Love.
In an effort to stop herself from fidgeting and keep her mind preoccupied, Jai opened the menu in front of her and browsed the list she was close to memorizing even though she knew she wouldn't be able to eat anything tonight. She just wanted to order something so the servers would stop looking at her like she's just there for the complimentary appetizer.
"Let's see... how about a Kale Salad? It has cheese, pine nuts, and... nope. Hate currants." Jai said, making a face. "Lobster Bisque. That should keep me warm. Except it's heavy." She muttered under her breath. "Ceylon Tea it is."
"Jazz." Jai was about to call the attention of a server across the room when a familiar voice made her look in front of her instead and she immediately tensed up when she realized who it was.
"You look lonely. Mind if I join you?" Cesca asked as she walked over and pulled backward the chair opposite where the girl was seated.
"I do, actually. That seat's taken." Jai answered curtly. "I'm waiting for Emily."
Cesca rolled her eyes. "Of course you are. Why else would you be sitting here with those?" She asked, glancing at the bouquet of roses on the table next to the girl. "Don't worry. I'm not here to crash your date. I just had dinner with a friend." She explained before showing the brown paper bag she was carrying. "This one's for my roommate."
"Then I guess you better get going." Jai replied, not bothering to hide her eagerness for the girl to leave.
Cesca shrugged. "She can wait. Emily isn't here yet, I don't mind keeping you company." She offered as she took a seat next to her friend instead.
"I really don't have anything to say to you." Jai said, her tone cold.
"But I do." Cesca shot back. "You hurt my feelings last time we talked. You practically called me a liar. Why do you refuse to believe what I told you about Emily and leech?"
"Stop calling Paige a leech!" Jai spat, fighting the urge to hit the girl even if her hand was balled into a tight fist.
"Why do you keep defending her?" Cesca asked incredulously. "Why won't you believe me?"
"I already know about them, okay?" Jai replied, her voice low. "And yeah, you may have been telling the truth but that isn't reason to call Paige something she's not."
"Then you owe me an apology." Cesca demanded.
Jai sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't believe you. You're not a liar. There. Happy? Now will you please leave?" She said as she gestured toward the entrance.
"Not until you help me understand why you're being stupid." Cesca replied. "If you already know the truth, why are you still having dinner with Emily?"
"Because I love her." Jai stated like it was the most obvious thing. "I can't just give up without a fight. Finding out about them didn't change my feelings for Emily." She explained. "But I have to know if she still feels the same way about us so I asked her to choose. I think she's finally going to give me an answer tonight."
"What? That's even more stupid. Why would you do that?" Cesca asked, confused. "Save Emily the pain and just tell her about leech. Paige." She hurriedly corrected herself when Jai shot her a death glare.
"I'm not playing dirty, Cesca. I'm not gonna rat out my best friend's secret just so Emily chooses me. That's Paige's business." Jai argued. "She still blames me for what happened last time. I'm not saying anything this time. And it's because I love Emily that's why I asked her to choose. I don't want to play second fiddle to my best friend."
"Have you thought this through?" Cesca asked, brows creased. "What if she doesn't choose you?"
"Then I'll respect her decision and try to be her friend." Jai answered. "Whatever happens I'm sticking around. I'm not gonna let Paige hurt Emily more than she already has."
Cesca wordlessly studied the girl for a second before finally getting up. "Well then, good luck." She said as she picked up the paper bag from the table, knowing she can't do anything to change Jai's mind. "I hope for everyone's sake Emily chooses you."
"Do me a favor and drop the act." Jai called out before the girl could get far. "Stop pretending you care about Paige. We both know that's a lie."
"And here I thought you meant it when you apologized earlier for accusing me of being a liar." Cesca chided. "I'll see you around."
Jai sighed in frustration as she watched the girl leave. For a second she actually felt bad for being cold toward Cesca but then she remembered what the girl did and her anger came rushing back. Breathe. Forget about her. She told herself then glanced at her watch to check the time again. 8:30. Moment of truth. Jai thought, touching the roses anxiously.
"What I'm really trying to say here is that I was wrong for biting your head off and for that I'm sorry." Paige uttered sincerely. "I know there's no excuse for my behavior but I hope I can get you to listen to what I have to say now." She continued, reminding herself to maintain eye contact as she prepared to deliver the speech she managed to come up with on her way to meet Emily.
"I'm not gonna lie, I came up with this on my way here so bear with me if I end up rambling." Paige cautioned. "I know you and Jai have history." She began, aware that her voice was trembling. "Not that I'm saying that we don't. But ours... well, ours mostly comprised of bickering and mocking each other." Paige said wryly. "Your history with Jai is way better. So that's going to be hard to top. But... things between us are different now. I mean, I know you don't love me but you said you like me a lot, right? So that counts for something. And you know I'm in love with you. Like, madly." She confessed. "And if you're confused about being with Jai then that means I still have a shot. I'm sorry it took me a while to figure that out."
Paige took a deep breath and moistened her lips before continuing. "I guess what I'm trying to say is - and I should've said this sooner - but what I'm trying to say is... I'm in. I'm willing to fight for you, too. I'll come clean to Jai. Tell her everything that happened while she was gone and that I'm serious about you." She professed. "I know she's going to be even more pissed. But I'm willing to risk it because I'm sure that what we have isn't some fleeting thing. If you give me a chance, I know I can make you happy. I swear you won't regret it." Paige uttered sincerely. "I'll apologize to Jai no matter how long it takes for her to forgive me if it means we get to be together. Just... tell me you're willing to take a chance on us because I really, really want to be with you." She avowed, her heart pounding like she just ran several laps. "So... what do you think?"
Bam! The sound of a door swinging open made Paige visibly jump in surprise and she blinked at her reflection in the mirror as she struggled to get her bearings. She made it to 3730 Walnut Street just a little past eight and not seeing Emily anywhere, she decided to make a trip to the bathroom first to calm her nerves. And now I'm late. She thought when she checked the time on her watch and saw that it was already 8:20.
Paige stared at her reflection for a few more seconds before finally heading outside to meet Emily. She quickened her pace when she caught sight of the girl by the entrance but slowed down when she realized that Emily was in the middle of a conversation with Zach. The girl hasn't seen her yet since Emily's back was turned to her but Zach did and he said something that made Emily look behind her briefly. Paige watched them exchange a few more words before Zach bid the girl goodbye and her palms began to sweat when Emily started to walk toward her.
"There you are. I was about to call you but Zach cornered me." Emily told the girl anxiously. "You said in your text you were going to the bathroom first. That was fifteen minutes ago."
"I know but, uh, there was a line 'cos there was only one stall working." Paige lied. "Sorry. Have you been waiting long?"
"Kinda." Emily admitted. "I'm just... I have to be somewhere else by eight thirty." She explained as she checked the time on her watch. "Let me make a call first then we can-"
"You don't have to do that. I can give you a ride." Paige hurriedly offered. "I'll drive you wherever it is you're going. We can just talk on the way over." She suggested.
"I don't know." Emily hedged.
"Come on. Let me make it up to you." Paige coaxed. "Besides, I have something I want to say and it might take a while. This way we get to talk without you being super late." She pointed out when she felt Emily's reluctance to go with her.
"Okay." Emily said after a beat and followed the girl wordlessly.
"Where to?" Paige asked once they were both seated inside her car.
Emily cleared her throat nervously. "Barclay Prime." She replied. "It's near Rittenhouse Square."
Paige nodded. "Got it." She said before starting the engine and shifting the gear to drive.
The two girls rode in heavy silence for a couple of minutes, with Paige glancing at Emily every now and then while the other girl just kept her gaze outside the window. She tried to summon the courage to start a conversation but every time she opened her mouth to speak, Paige saw Emily's shoulders tense like the girl knew what was coming so she didn't. But when they stopped at a red light Paige finally decided to break the stillness and faced Emily. They have to start talking at some point.
"So... does Zach think we're still together?" Paige inquired. "Seemed to me like he put an end to your conversation earlier when he saw me. I didn't mean to interrupt anything."
"You weren't." Emily assured the girl. "It just so happened that our conversation was about to end when you showed up."
"Good to know. For a second there I thought he said he was going ahead because your girlfriend's waiting for you." Paige quipped awkwardly.
"He wouldn't say that. I, uh, already told him we broke up over the summer." Emily confessed, looking away. "And he didn't see you. He was actually looking at Maureen. I didn't even know you were standing there until I turned around to see what got him distracted." She explained.
"Oh. Okay." Paige said, mortified by her assumption but then her brows creased. "Wait. Why is he avoiding Maureen? Aren't they a couple?"
Emily shook her head. "Not anymore. I don't know what happened exactly but I heard it was a messy breakup." She divulged. "Now he's seeing this girl he met at a party at the start of the sem."
"Wow." Paige uttered before they both grew silent again. "Um... anyway, so long as we're alone I just want to take this opportunity to… apologize for what I said last time." She slowly continued when she saw the other girl inhale sharply.
"Oh. That. It's fine." Emily replied, visibly relieved. "I shouldn't have put you on the spot like that anyway. Just forget about it."
"Yeah, but still..." Paige trailed off. "What I'm really trying to say here is that I was wrong for biting your head off and for that I'm sorry." She uttered sincerely. "There's no excuse for my behavior but now that -"
"I'm sorry, too." Emily interjected. "Let's just leave it at that." She told Paige, the memory of the encounter making her feel humiliated all over again.
"I guess we're both sorry." Paige quipped, clearing her throat nervously when the girl's expression remained somber. "So. What did you want to talk about?" She asked instead of continuing her speech just as the light turned green. "You wanted to meet?" Paige reminded Emily when she saw the girl's confusion. "I'm assuming you wanted to talk about something."
Emily returned her gaze outside the window. "It's nothing, really. I just want to spend time with you." She said after a beat.
"You sure?" Paige asked, brows creased.
"Yeah." Emily answered. "Don't worry about it." She told the girl with a strained smile.
"Okay." Paige said even if she was not convinced. "How was your day?" She then asked, changing the subject instead.
"Exhausting." Emily replied as she placed the book resting on her lap next to her. "I barely made it to my Gender and Sexuality Studies class this afternoon since I had to cram to finish my paper on that film analysis I told you about."
"At least you were able to submit it on time. That's one less paper to worry about this semester." Paige pointed out. "So. Who did you choose?"
"What?" Emily uttered, taken aback by the girl's question.
"From the film?" Paige clarified. "You had to write a paper about Deirdre's choice, right?" She reminded Emily. "So who did you choose for her? Who got the girl in the end?"
Emily fidgeted with her seatbelt uneasily. "Her fiancé." She answered, the heavy silence that followed punctuated by the sound of their breathing.
"Oh." Paige muttered as she rounded a corner. "So you sided with the author. Peter and Deirdre. Like it was supposed to be."
Emily exhaled. "Yeah. I think Deirdre did the right thing by choosing to give their relationship another shot." She replied. "They just have so much history between them and the love is still there. It was always there." Emily added, her gaze set on the road in front of them.
"Unlike with the other guy." Paige deduced.
"I'm not saying she doesn't care about Jason. It's just that with him, things were uncertain and she's the kind of woman who valued having plans." Emily explained.
Paige nodded thoughtfully. "So basically what you're saying is that Jason isn't ambitious enough. Did you consider the idea that maybe he's willing to start making plans for Deirdre?" She pointed out.
"I just think it's better for her to see things through with Peter." Emily answered.
"You mean it's safer." Paige countered bluntly, startling the girl. "They're not even in love."
"What are you talking about? Of course they are." Emily insisted. "I told you the love is still there."
"Yeah but loving someone isn't the same as being in love with them." Paige argued.
"Well, she doesn't even have either of that with Jason so I think she was right to choose Peter in the end." Emily stated matter-of-factly.
"You think she doesn't love Jason?" Paige asked, surprised.
Emily shrugged. "I just know she feels something for him. I mean, it couldn't be helped. Jason was there for her the most when everyone else thought she was insane for refusing to believe that Peter perished in that fire." She explained. "I think more than anything she's grateful to Jason for that."
"But it's not enough to start something with him rather than go back to her fiancé." Paige concluded.
"Yeah. It isn't." Emily answered in agreement. "And to be honest, I don't think it's right to be with someone out of indebtedness. They both deserve better. But it's not just about love. As with any relationship there were other things Deirdre considered in her decision to go back to Peter. All of which I agree to."
"Right." Paige uttered, a feeling of dread coming over her. "Well, I'm sure you made a sound argument in your paper. I give it an A plus." She managed to quip as her hands gripped the steering wheel tighter. For some reason she now knew what this night was all about.
"I hope so. I need to maintain my GPA." Emily told the girl anxiously just as they slowed down.
"Here we are." Paige said, stopping a good distance away from a well-lit restaurant since there were other cars parked ahead of them. She glanced at the dashboard clock then gave Emily a weak smile. "Don't worry. You're just a few minutes late for your dinner with Jai."
"How- did you know?" Emily asked, looking away.
"I didn't. I figured it out just now." Paige replied. "You're choosing her. Like you chose Peter for Deirdre. That's why you really wanted to meet."
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner. I didn't know how." Emily said apologetically. "I'm sorry you had to drive me all the way here before I-"
"Hey." Paige interjected. "I was the one who offered, remember?"
"Which you wouldn't have done if I told you sooner." Emily negated. "I really wanted to tell you, Paige. I thought I could do it back at MUSE. Rip the band-aid off. But when you were finally standing in front of me I just... I chickened out." She admitted helplessly. "I mean, we got into an argument the last time we talked. I guess I wanted to spend just a few more minutes with you and get the chance to iron things out before you start hating me again."
"I don't... hate you. I just wish you told me I was handing you over to my best friend." Paige confessed. "What makes this place so special, anyway?" She asked, pretending to study the establishment outside so she wouldn't have to look at the girl seated next to her. "It seems fancy."
"Yeah. It kinda is. This was where we had dinner with Logan after Jai's campus tour." Emily revealed.
"Well, then, you don't have to worry. You've fit in before. You'll fit right in again." Paige assured the girl when she noticed Emily's apprehension. "You're even dressed for the place." She added, smiling faintly as she took in the three-quarter-sleeve crochet lace shift ivory dress the girl was wearing.
"I'd be in jeans and a shirt if I hadn't come from a meeting." Emily said wryly.
"They'd still let you in." Paige promised before looking outside again. "I almost forgot how much you and Jai love going to places like this. Sorry we never got to have a fancy dinner date. Takeouts and pizzas kinda came with the whole secret thing." She quipped, glancing at the girl.
"Don't get me wrong. I love dressing up and going to fancy dinners every now and then but takeouts and pizzas tend to be romantic, too." Emily confessed. "We got to be alone so don't apologize. Besides, I was the one who wanted to keep things a secret."
"Right." Paige uttered faintly. "Do you... do you regret it?" She asked after a moment of heavy silence passed between them.
Emily's brows creased. "Regret what?" She asked in reply.
"That night. In the rain. The night we first kissed." Paige answered, her voice hoarse. "Do you regret it now that Jai's back?"
The two girls sat in heavy silence once again, Paige holding her breath in while Emily squirmed under the girl's gaze. But just as the latter finally opened her mouth to speak, Paige shook her head emphatically.
"You know what? Don't answer that. I don't want to know." Paige said as she forced her hands to stop trembling when she realized how terrified she was to hear the truth. "Forget I asked. You should go anyway. Jai's probably wondering where you are."
Emily studied the seemingly composed girl for a moment, trying to rack her brain for something else to say but she came up with nothing so she thought it best to just leave. She nodded wordlessly, as if thanking Paige for the ride, then turned her back to open the door but stopped short when she heard the girl call out to her.
"Em?" Paige uttered for what she felt would be the last time.
"Yeah?" Emily answered, facing the girl.
"I never stood a chance, did I?" Paige asked with a sad smile.
Emily gestured helplessly. "Jai's back. I thought I would never see her again but now she's here. Alive. It's a miracle and it's what I wanted, remember? To have her back." She reminded the girl.
Paige nodded. "Of course I remember. It was the night of our senior prom." She recalled. "You said you'd give up anything just to have her back. I just never thought it would mean me."
"Paige, I'm not-" Emily began but the girl shook her head firmly.
"You don't have to explain anything. I get it." Paige said even if she didn't and studied the girl. "You look really beautiful, by the way." She uttered affectionately. "I just want to tell you that one last time without meaning it as a friend." Paige said, a wistful smile tugging at the corner of her lips as she took in Emily's features. From the way her eyelashes fluttered, to the way the warm air from the heater gently blew wisps of the girl's silky hair, making Paige want to reach out and tuck them behind Emily's ear. Paige took in the way the girl consciously moistened her lips, how Emily smelled, and the way the girl's dress accentuated every curve of her body. She's perfect. Paige thought, her throat constricting. She fought the urge to breakdown in front of Emily knowing she will never be able to hold the girl in her arms again. Not the way she wanted.
Emily was about to lean forward to kiss Paige on the cheek to thank the girl but stopped at the last second. "Thank you. For everything." She added softly then opened the door and got out.
Paige watched Emily enter the restaurant, heart in mouth. It took everything she had to look away and convince herself to leave. There's nothing left for me here. She thought as she shifted the gear to drive. She didn't get far, though. When her gaze drifted to the seat next to her and she noticed Emily's textbook, Paige abruptly stepped on the brakes. She left her book. Paige thought numbly. I should probably turn around and give this back. She said to herself as she reached for the book, placing her hand on top of it when she felt her throat constrict. Her vision suddenly blurred and she covered her mouth to control her sobs but it was no use. She's gone. Emily's gone. Paige thought as she finally broke down. She should've known better than to hope. With Jai back, she never really stood a chance.