Chapter title is from the song "Earth" by Sleeping At Last.
Fault lines tremble underneath my glass house.
But I put it out of my mind.
Quick note: Amelia (known as Amy before she made her way onto PP) is the ageless wonder, so ultimately, a lot of things with her character will not add up, math-wise. We're all just gonna make our peace with that now.
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Chapter 5. Fault Lines Tremble
Thirty Years Earlier
It is late summer in Northwest Massachusetts. Seven-year-old Addison and nine-year-old Archer pedal along, babbling animatedly and trying their hand at wheelies (Archer is pretty good, Addison not so much yet) before they reach the vineyard about a half-mile from their country house.
A brisk morning breeze flows down the green slopes, and Archer's words carry along with the wind: Ready, Set, Go! And then the Montgomery siblings are off, racing through adjacent rows in the flourishing vineyard. Since Addison is younger by sixteen months, she never, ever wins. She is competitive about most things, but she doesn't really mind that Archer always whooshes past the end posts and reaches the bottom of the hill before she does. Most of the fun is just in riding with her brother. It's pretty and peaceful at this time of day. Grapevines are knotted elegantly around trellis wires, with sweet grapes hanging low as they continue to ripen.
(Archer's bike – a cherry red Schwinn Sting-Ray Fastback – is more suited for speed, anyway. Addison's bike is a simple Huffy model with silver and purple streamers. She loves it though.)
Addison opens her mouth in a delighted yell as she starts to descend the hill – she can hear Archer the next row over, definitely at least ten feet ahead of her – but then something happens as Addison gets closer to the bottom. She doesn't know what, exactly, but suddenly she is in the air, careening over her rubbery handlebars. It happens so quickly that she doesn't have time to try and protect herself. Her previous sound of excitement shifts into a scream so loud that she almost doesn't recognize the noise as one coming from her. Addison hits the ground hard enough that she is certain she sees fuzzy stars while she slips a few feet further down the hill, dirt and morning dew muddying her clothes. Real stars. Just like what happens in cartoons. Addison's hands hurt the most – they sting – but her face and knees hurt too. She shakily looks behind her and realizes that her front tire is no longer on her bike. Oh. That's why I fell off, she thinks as she pulls herself into a sitting position. The initial shock has worn off though, and now tears are coming hard and fast. She cries out for her brother, feeling her voice go shuddery and shrill like a whinnying horse. Archer must have heard the crash, and he must have reached the bottom of the hill by now. The spokes on Addison's runaway wheel sparkle in the sunlight.
"Addie!" Archer calls, appearing from behind a cluster of grapes. He sprints towards her, arms pumping hard. "Oh, Addie." He kneels down in the dirt beside her. "It's okay."
"I'm bleeding." Addison's fingers tremble when she sees how dotted with blood they are, and not just from the scratches on the heels of her hands. She panics, realizing most of the blood on her hands is the result of touching her face. "Archie, I'm bleeding."
"Yeah, but…" he hesitates, trying to think how to explain it to his little sister without causing more panic. They really are just scrapes. Just…you know. On your entire face. "It isn't too bad, Addie. Really. It's like falling and getting a cut on your knee. It bleeds a little, but then in a few days you can't even see the cut anymore. It's like that."
"I am cut on my knees." Addison points to a scraped-up knee. "On my knees and on my face. And my hands. And my…my bike…the wheel…" she starts to cry harder. "Archer…"
"It's gonna be okay." Archer scoops her up in his arms, teetering for only a moment before his grip feels steady. Addison clings to Archer for support, not unlike the tendrils behind her clinging to the trellises.
"Archie…"
"It's gonna be okay," he repeats. "Don't worry. I'm gonna carry you home, and Ellen can clean you up. And Un-Bizzy will pay for someone to come back here and fix your bike. Or she'll just buy you a new one."
Un-Bizzy. It's a current joke between brother and sister, the result of Bizzy's penchant for referring to the things that her children are or the things that her children do as un-something. Unhelpful. Unacceptable. Unbecoming. Unseemly – that was a new one, just yesterday. It's always some sort of accusation.
Addison manages a weak laugh at Un-Bizzy, and finds herself a little bit thrilled that she is still able to laugh. That was so, so scary to fall off her bike like that – she thinks it is maybe even scarier than when Patch locked her in the cellar a few months ago.
She is starting to feel safe in her brother's arms though. She is certain her mother will make some sort of comment about the scratches all over her, especially the ones on her face – how unseemly it would be, for example, if Addison were to have scars – but Addison knows Archer will say that it wasn't her fault, and that he will stay by her side no matter what.
Archer kneels down about halfway up the hill, gasping for breath. "We're going to make it," he says when Addison lets out a fresh whimper, once again worried. "I just need to rest my arms and legs for a second. It'll be easier once we get to the top of the hill."
"I bet…" Addison smiles shyly, feeling more reassured. "I bet even Captain America has to rest sometimes too," she tells Archer. Captain America is his favorite superhero.
Addison marvels at her brother's strength and bravery in this moment. Archer really isn't much bigger than her, but he carries her the rest of the way. He carries her home.
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. .
Mark offered to drive Addison back to the brownstone – but Addison is in no state to face her husband, or, if Derek isn't home, is in no state to feel like a stranger in her home. Because she is a stranger now, right? She does not recognize this version of herself. And then when she declined, Mark himself offered to leave, which might have been for the best, but Addison couldn't actually tell him to go get on the next train. That would be, well. Unseemly. Mark is a guest. And no matter what he says, this is absolutely her fault.
For the second time, Addison reads the text Mark sent her: Hey. Hopefully this doesn't wake you. Just wanted you to know I'm going on a quick bike ride. Won't be long.
It has been about an hour since they went to their separate bedrooms. Addison has been curled tightly under the covers ever since. She heard Mark shuffling around for a bit, and then the sound of the shower running. And then there was more movement, which she now knows was Mark changing into clothes for a bike ride.
Mark wanted to bring his bike this weekend, and was even willing to take the wheels off so it could fit in Addison's trunk, but she waved a hand in dismissal at this. "Derek has a bike in the garage at the Montauk house," she told him on Friday. "You can borrow it."
More appropriate than borrowing his wife, at any rate, Addison thinks in a desperate reach for humor, or at least some Schadenfreude at her own expense. But once again, she feels her throat tighten. Tears hover on her lower lids.
How could you do this to your husband? she thinks, despair tunneling through her. With his best friend. It's cruel. Formulaic and cruel. And not unlike your own parents.
Addison moves cautiously to the window and pinches one of the linen curtains to the side when she hears the muffled noise of the front door opening and closing. The rain has finally cleared. She gets to the window in time to watch Mark hoist himself on Derek's bike and ride off. She notices the definition of his thighs through his bike shorts – powerful thighs, she is certain. A flush works its way over her cheeks at this thought. Of course Addison is aware of what Mark looks like. She and Naomi and Savvy shamelessly stared the first time their group went to Brighton Beach and Mark took his shirt off. Yes. Mark has a certain…effect on women. But Addison was never one of those women. She thought he was attractive, certainly – he was standing next to Derek the first time she met her future husband's eyes over the cadaver they were gathered around. And, unlike poor Mr. Mulligan, Addison's eyes still worked. Thinking Mark was good-looking was no different than looking at a picture of a waterfall: it's just a visually pleasing image, and that's a fact. Addison was never giggly or nervous around him though. He was just…Mark. Derek's friend. Derek's sort of annoying, arrogant friend, yes – but then he grew on her, and now they are friends, too. Family, even. She definitely considers Mark to be family of some sort. But what is he to her now? She can't just unring this bell.
Addison takes a shower while Mark is out on his ride – were you doing what I did when you showered earlier, just running the water as hot as you could and standing under it and thinking you're a reckless moron? she asks Mark in her head during her shower – and she has mostly toweled her hair all the way dry when she hears the soft crunch of gravel signaling Mark's return. She creeps to the window again in time to see Mark wheeling the bike into the garage. She is unsure why, but staring at the bike makes her think about that day in the vineyard so many years ago, and what a relief it was to make it home. Archer carried her home.
Hi, Addison texts. She watches Mark reach into one of his zip pockets when he either hears or feels the notification. I just woke up. I'll be out in a few.
Mark's fingers are quick as he fires back a response: No rush. Take your time. I just got back and am going to hop in the shower.
Addison stays at the window long enough to see Mark tuck his phone back in his pocket and then brush his hands across the front of his shorts. She thinks again of their kiss. It was a few seconds of happiness. Probably the happiest she has felt in weeks. Maybe longer. She snapped back to reality when she felt his hands on her body – God, those incredible hands. And Mark kissed her back. Yes, she considers, it's Mark. He's not particularly discerning, and not particularly full of morals. But still. He is loyal to his best friend. He would never want to hurt Derek. And I wouldn't want to hurt Derek either.
Addison shakes her head when – despite thinking about morality and loyalty – a frisson of desire moves through her.
Mark didn't carry her home. But for a few brief moments, he carried her away.
And somehow that felt even better.
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Twenty-Seven Years Earlier
They ran, pelting across the frozen ground, which crunched under their feet, Meg and the twins and –
Addison glances up from her new book at the sound of laughter echoing down the hall. She scowls, and then refocuses on the page again. Liar. You aren't working, she thinks. If you were working, then I wouldn't have to tell Bizzy about the ice cream.
"You're almost done with that one…" Rachelle said mere minutes ago, nodding towards the open book cradled in Addison's hands, most of its pages tipped to the left. She looked at the Captain, and then back at Addison with a wide smile. "You must be so smart."
Ten-year-old Addison is smart. Smart enough to know that Rachelle is being patronizing. And also smart enough to know what exactly her father and Rachelle are doing when they go down the hall into her father's office. Well, Addison might not know exactly what they are doing, but she knows enough to know that it would break Bizzy's heart if she knew.
So Bizzy can't know.
Addison didn't bother to tell Rachelle – her father's secretary – that she always reads the last chapter first, and then goes back to the beginning. Yes, that meant Addison knew immediately that Colin Craven could walk, the tragic fate of Leslie Burke, and how Buck became a legend in the Klondike, but it filled her with a sense of relief to know what was coming. She hates surprises. Today is a perfect example. She didn't think that a few hours at her father's office would mean she now has to lie.
She is supposed to tell Bizzy she and Daddy went out for ice cream. She thinks she'll say mint chocolate chip, and maybe when the Captain takes her to get ice cream for real tomorrow (because he said he would), that's the kind she will get. Addison nodded and agreed to comply when the Captain talked to her about this. Your mother's feelings would be hurt if she knew I was spending extra time working with Rachelle, so when she asks, you'll tell her we went to get ice cream.
Okay, Addison said. But that is not what she thinks. I hate you is what she actually thinks. And she has never thought this about her father before. Bizzy, yes. More than once. But not the Captain. Addison feels guilty for lying, but she feels other things too in that moment – and she is so smart, and knows so many words, but she can't figure out what exactly the word is for what she's feeling. So instead she just focuses on the hatred for her father while she finishes chapter twelve, and then goes back to the beginning.
(Years later, Addison would recognize that the words she was looking for to describe how she felt that day were dirty and cheap.)
She keeps reading, turning the pages as the words take her to a better, more truthful place than the one she currently lives in. There had been pain, and darkness, and all at once the pain was relieved, and light touched his lids…
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"Hi," Mark says when Addison quietly enters the living room, dressed casually and also completely bare-faced, which is almost startling – he rarely sees her not put together. Mark sets down a copy of the East Hampton Star he picked up on his ride to have something to apathetically flip through while waiting for Addison to make a reappearance.
"Hi," she answers, eyes trained downward as she curls her toes into the carpet.
"I ordered pizza. I know it's barely five and you're probably not in the mood anyway, but…" he shrugs mildly, and waits a few more seconds. Nothing though. "So…you're eventually going to be able to look at me, right?"
Addison raises her eyes, and tries to smile.
"Okay," Mark says quietly. "That's something."
"Pizza sounds good," she replies before moving her fingers to tuck her loose, uncombed hair back behind her ears. "I'll pour us some wine, too. I'm, um…I'm sorry for kissing you, Mark. It wasn't appropriate. And I'm sorry for crying all over your shirt."
"It's okay. And I think we both know that I own like a million black shirts."
"True."
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Thirteen Years Earlier
The second time Addison spends a portion of her winter break with Derek's family, she takes thirteen-year-old Amy to get her ears pierced as a Christmas present. Like the boundary-respecting person she is, Addison asks Carolyn first if she can. Carolyn seems fine with it, and advises her on how to get to the local mall. Addison would prefer to take Amy somewhere more professional – or at least to a place that doesn't have a food court next to it – but she knows Carolyn would probably have some sort of disparaging comment if Amy told her they went somewhere else. Addison talks Amy into getting basic, uncomplicated studs for her first earrings, but she also picks up a pair of unicorn earrings to surprise to Amy with (Amy loves unicorns).
"So…" Addison says when they get back in her car. She smiles as she looks over at a freshly-pierced Amy. Right as they were leaving the mall, a woman and – presumably – her son were walking the other way. Amy and the boy waved to each other.
A delicate smirk unfurls across Amy's pale, heart-shaped face. "You're gonna ask me about that boy," she states.
"Yep. Does he…go to school with you?"
"Uh-huh. His name is Casey. Casey Prince."
Addison is utterly delighted by this. "Casey Prince."
"Yeah," Amy tells her. "We have Homeroom and Social Studies together. We sit near each other in Homeroom, but I don't always know what to say to him. Like, one time Casey looked at me, and there were butterflies in my stomach. I thought that was just an expression, but I really felt them." Amy glances over at Addison, her expression growing funny. "Don't tell me if you feel that way about Derek, because I might throw up in my mouth."
Addison laughs in response. She adores Amelia so much. And hell, if Addison is honest, she can very nearly make herself throw up in her mouth, so strong are her feelings for her boyfriend. She loves Derek. And she knows that butterfly feeling all too well, even though they've shifted from concentrated, lustful love to a more pragmatic, enduring love (still plenty lustful a lot of the time though). They have been together almost two and-a-half years. They are no longer falling for one another, but standing close beside one another – beside one another no matter what. Is he the one? Naomi asked her a few months ago, fingers framed under her chin. Yes, Addison answered. Derek loves her. Derek will be a good husband (will, because it's just inevitable at this point). He wouldn't ever hurt her – not on purpose, at least, and he'd never do anything spiteful. It's hard to believe though that there is just one one out there, because Addison thinks life is so circumstantial, that everyone is just two or three turns away from being an entirely different person in terms of likes and dislikes and dispositions and desires. If soulmates are real, then people probably have many soulmates. She loves Derek though, more than she has ever loved anyone. And she can't imagine ever loving anyone else, or ever wanting to love anyone else. So, yes. Put it that way, Derek is the one. And, really, given the kind of childhood Addison had, the fact that she can feel this strongly about any man is truly incredible.
"Well…" Addison says to her future sister-in-law. "If you're not sure what to say, starting with a smile always helps. Smile and say 'hi' when you're back in school in January. And you can ask Casey what he was going shopping for the day you saw him at the mall. And, just remember…" Addison reaches across the center console to playfully poke Amy in the shoulder. "Boys are probably more nervous of talking to you than you are of talking to them."
Amy smiles thoughtfully. "I hope Casey looks at me again. I want that butterfly feeling again."
"Oh, I'm sure he'll look at you like that again. It sounds like he likes you, and boys always look again if they like you. You'll definitely feel that feeling again, Amy."
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"How are you feeling?" Mark asks as he refills Addison's wine glass. It's a casual (early) dinner, with a greasy pizza box, a Pinot Noir, and two wine glasses on the coffee table between them as they sit on the living room floor. Addison has managed to eat two slices, and having some food and wine in her stomach has helped her to calm down a little.
"Better. I think." She inhales deeply. The sky has darkened outside the window behind Mark's head, and rain is now beating steadily. "Mark, we can…we can still be friends, right?"
"With benefits?" His teasing smile turns into a wince at the look on her face. "I'm kidding. That was a joke. Yeah, of course we can still be friends. Good friends. We are friends, Addie. I feel like…I feel like the sooner we start laughing about this, the easier it's going to be. People make mistakes, right? Especially people who grew up in households like we did. Let's, uh, just make sure it's a one-time mistake."
"A one-time mistake," she echoes. "It's just that I was thinking…"
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Eleven Years Earlier
"I think this is the kind I'm going to get," Naomi says, holding out a sample graduation announcement for her friends to see. Her fingers skim over the parchment-like feel of the card. "Are your parents making you do announcements?"
"My mother is making Susan do custom ones…" Addison rolls her eyes. "Susan is her assistant – her social secretary," she adds, feeling embarrassed. She could have just said yes.
"Yeah, I'm definitely doing them…" Derek plows ahead, sensing that Addison regrets how she mentioned a social secretary. Not that any of them judge her for her upbringing. "Because…" Derek makes a delicate rubbing gesture with his fingers. "Money, hopefully."
Naomi points out the Latin words printed on the ribbon beneath Columbia's shield. "I'm not even going to take a stab at pronouncing that, but I'm just realizing…I have no idea what our school's motto is. Should I know that?" She glances around, meeting a bunch of blank stares. "None of us know what it is, do we?"
"I'd say it's more important that you knew enough to pass step two of the licensing exam," Mark says. "We were a little busy with that this year."
Addison shakes her head. "I feel like I should know it though." She did her undergrad here too, after all. "I mean…I've been here eight years."
"I know what it is," Sam says, rubbing at his head with a sheepish expression. Of course he knows, they all think. "The English translation is 'In Thy light shall we see light.' I don't remember hearing anything like that in CCD, but it has to be biblical. Anyway. Nai, you know what we could do -"
"We are not doing an engagement announcement, graduation announcement, and a save-the-date all on the same card, Sam."
"I actually remember my undergrad one," Mark says. "Laws without morals are useless."
Derek smiles winsomely. "Definitely the perfect motto for someone with occasionally questionable morals."
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"You're thinking what?" Mark asks with a heavy swallow.
"It's just that I was thinking…" Addison continues. "I promised myself I would never be like the Captain or Bizzy." She puffs out a weary sigh, and then looks at Mark as he nods in response. He knows what the Captain is like, of course. Bizzy not as much though, at least not in that way.
"You're nothing like them," Mark says. "I know I don't know them that well, but I suffered through the same gardening event thing with them that you did, and trust me: you are absolutely nothing like them."
"You're nothing like your parents either, Mark. Do you…" Addison hesitates, wondering if she should even ask. He is the only one she is close to who she suspects would have the same answer as her though. "Do you hate them?"
"Sometimes."
"Me too, sometimes," she admits. "And I think they did the best they could – they parented in the way they were parented. I don't think that's how I would ever parent, but at this point…" she shrugs limply. "Well. It's not like I can have a child when my marriage is this bad. So maybe I won't be a parent after all." This has been hitting her more and more lately. Next spring was her decided-upon deadline to start trying with her husband, and maybe she still will, but God, how could she when this is where she's currently at with Derek? The idea that Addison might not get to be a mother though – she shakes her head, unwilling to think about it further, at least not right now. "Anyway…" she tells Mark before he can assure her of anything related to potentially have a kid. "Their parenting. It left a lot to be desired. I think most mothers and fathers can own up to the fact that they've made mistakes or that they've had days where they aren't their best selves, but not the Captain and Bizzy. Especially my mother. It was – is – constant criticism and a need for propriety with her. But since they're WASPs, they can talk themselves out of feeling bad about things. Transgressions don't come with guilt. It makes me…it just makes me think of morals." She grimaces and meets Mark's eyes. "Laws and morals. Laws without morals. Not that…not that I should be talking about morals at the moment."
Mark shakes his head. "Sure you can. It was just a kiss, Addison. Just one kiss, just one time. And we know it was wrong and we feel bad about it. We aren't trying to brush it off as no big deal or justify our behavior, you know? But it was just a kiss…we didn't go any farther."
Addison bites her lower lip, deep in thought. Morality can so easily be tossed aside when a certain moment presents itself…when a person is feeling a certain way. Life is just vineyard hill after vineyard hill, moment after moment, isn't it? And that's what this morning was with Mark: a moment. But more and more of Addison's moments lately are starting to highlight the feeling of desperation that stems from a crumbling marriage.
She and Mark stare at each other now, for a moment. A long moment. A moment. Addison is certain he is wondering the same thing she is: would it have just been a kiss, if she hadn't stopped it?
"It was just a kiss," she repeats quietly.
Mark says it once more, voice gravely this time. "Just a kiss."
Addison keeps thinking though. She remembers a line from a book she read as a little girl: as long as it hasn't happened, there's a chance that it may not happen.
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References:
Addison to Archer about falling off her bike: "We were going downhill and my tire came loose and I went over the handlebars. Scraped up whole face. We were about a half-mile from home and you...you picked me up. You told me it was gonna be okay and you carried me home. You weren't even that big. But you were my big brother. And you knew I was scared and you carried me home." (Private Practice, 2x15)
Addison: "I've always been the kind of person who reads the last chapter of the book first. I like to know what's coming. It used to drive Sam crazy. He'd say to me, 'getting to the end is supposed to be a surprise.' I hate surprises. I like to know what's coming." (Private Practice, 5x13. Earlier in the episode, Addison talks about how she hates surprise parties. Mark also hates them. I can't remember what episode of Grey's it's mentioned in, but he describes them as "hostile." Not liking surprise parties isn't exactly a fresh take, but I do like that both Mark and Addison aren't fans.)
Addison to Archer: "You are making me feel dirty and cheap, and I'm ten years old again telling mother that I went out for ice cream with Daddy, when really I'm sitting in his office while he's screwing his secretary down the hall." (Private Practice, 2x17)
Bizzy's save-your-tears-for-the-pillow approach was mentioned in Private Practice 4x14. Also mentioned that episode was the cadaver that (at least) Addison, Sam, and Derek worked with/on in med school. They named him Mr. Mulligan (after Derek's favorite math teacher). Derek and Addison also met while working on (presumably) this cadaver (Grey's, 5x15).
In episode 4x19 of Private Practice, Addison said it would have been "unseemly" to have Mark's baby. And I know there were other reasons she decided to not proceed with the pregnancy, but I can definitely see her upbringing playing a part in this (I also highly encourage you to watch episode 4x21 of Private Practice around the 31-minute mark if you haven't before).
Book references: some italicized lines are pulled from A Swiftly Tilting Planet, by Madeline L'Engle, the book I decided Addison was reading while the Captain was down the hall doing Captain ThingsTM. I have the trio as all being born in 1968 (Almighty Canon disagrees, I am sure), and by that math, this would have been one of the more popular books released when Addison was ten (I'm not rewinding "current time" with Addison, Derek, and Mark back to 2005 though. We can all just deal with that part). Other books referenced (though not by name) in the ten year-old Addison flashback: The Secret Garden, Bridge to Terabithia, and The Call of the Wild.