Chapter title is a line in the song "Noble Aim," by Sleeping At Last. (Can't even tell you how many times I double-checked to make sure I was spelling "deserts" and not "desserts")

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Chapter 14. A Thirst Only Deserts Know

Three Years Earlier

"Can you really not even look at me right now?" Addison asks. She isn't sure what the other phrasing options are, short of grabbing her mother's face and yanking it towards her. Bizzy…? Bizzy…? Bizzy, can you please look at me…? hasn't been working.

Addison presses down against the thin hospital mattress with her fingertips, because she can't quite summon the courage to reach out to hold her mother's hand or stroke her shoulder. She feels so tiny and babyish in this moment, but maybe that's normal. Age doesn't matter after a certain point; you are always a child when something tragic happens to a parent. And so Addison quietly chants her mother's name like a prayer and thinks of all those times the motherly attention she so desperately wanted came from a nanny rather than her actual mother. Or the times there wasn't a nanny present and Addison's mother had other things going on, because being a mother wasn't something that defined Bizzy. She sees herself as a six year-old dancing on the staircase landing of the Forbes Montgomery home. At the time Addison wanted to be a doctor and a ballerina when she grew up, so there she was, twirling and twirling and twirling on the landing, spinning herself dizzy until she fell on her bottom with a dramatic thump. Before she stumbled, she had asked more than once if Bizzy could watch her. But it didn't happen. Bizzy just didn't – or wouldn't – take the time to notice or acknowledge those clumsy little pirouettes.

Will you stop making that racket? Bizzy snapped from the floor below when Addison fell. That's what Addison remembers. But she wouldn't change a single thing about that memory – or any of her other childhood grievances – if her mother would just look at her now though.

"Bizzy? Bizzy, can you please just…can you just…?" Addison inhales deeply. It feels like her heart is about to burst wide open from worry, from today's events. "Mommy," she cries out, voice cracking hard. "Please look at me."

There it is. Bizzy finally turns to stare at her, wan-faced and pale, completely drained of any sort of emotions behind her eyes. Bizzy might as well be a ghost. She would have been a ghost, actually, had it not been for Addison.

"What is it, dear?" Bizzy says woodenly.

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. .

March arrives in its typical no-man's land season, both sunshine and overcast, both cold and warm, and Addison thinks of the proverb she learned at some point in school: in like a lion, out like a lamb.

Nothing about her encounters with Mark are innocent, meek. Certainly not lamb-like. They are carnal, explosive. He lights a fire in Addison that she's never felt before, not with Derek or the handful of lovers before him. There is such a lonely, isolating element to the affair though, because obviously Addison can't ever talk about it. Obviously. That time Mark spent the night at the brownstone…it's been two weeks and they've had sex since then, but that night is still constantly on her mind. The sheets – Derek's favorites, the Italian ones with the paisleys – were absolutely soaked. And in Addison's mind it was an electrifying feeling in that it the ultimate fuck you to her unresponsive, absent husband, to let his best friend bring her to countless orgasms in their marital bed, to not object when Mark fell asleep afterwards (on Derek's side), and to be woken up a few hours later when Mark shifted back to her side of the bed and threaded a hand between her legs. It's cruel to be almost happy, almost satisfied about that night. It makes Addison think of all the times when a particular observation or bit of gossip has come to her and she has said to Naomi or Savvy or someone she knows will not judge her, "Can I say something mean?"

But she can't exactly tell anyone this. Or tell anyone anything about her time spent with Mark, really.

The guilt is starting to roar up again though – roaring like a lion – and sometimes it feels like it's shredding Addison's stomach into knots. Her…affair. She tried so long not to assign a name or label to whatever this is she's doing with Mark, but there's just not getting around it. It's an affair, and since it started last October, that will soon mean she's been carrying on with Mark for six months. That number feels significant, even though technically they really didn't start sleeping together consistently until January…as though that somehow makes this more acceptable, less unseemly. It doesn't. An affair is still an affair. This is all so messed-up. She is messed up.

"See right there, Sav…? Baby is sucking on his or her thumb right now." Addison points this out on the ultrasound LCD monitor. "So cute. I just got a picture of it. Weiss will love that one. And everything is still perfect with him-or-her." The avoidance of pronouns when the situation calls for it with patients – Savvy and Weiss want to be surprised – is typically an easy one for Addison, but she sometimes has to speak more haltingly during appointments with Savvy and Weiss now because the urge to tell some of her closest friends they will be having a girl next month is strong.

"I know you already got some good ones I can show Weiss since he couldn't be here, but can we watch for a few more minutes?" Savvy asks while wearing a dreamy mother-to-be smile, and Addison says of course and keeps the transducer rolling over her friend's abdomen. They have time; this is Addison's last appointment of the day, an on-purpose decision so the two women can grab dinner together afterwards. "I know these sorts of things can't really be planned out," Savvy adds thoughtfully, "but it would be so nice if the baby could come on a day when Derek is here, too. That way Landon-or-Hazel can get a picture with both you guys right away."

"Derek's schedule varies, but he's consistently here for surgeries on Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays, so Landon-or-Hazel should aim for one of those days if he or she wants his or her photo taken with Aunt Addie and Uncle Derek. Are those your guys' final choices, then? Landon if it's a boy and Hazel if it's a girl? I like them."

"The top contenders at the moment, but far from finalized. You really do like them though?"

"I do," Addison confirms. "They're such nice choices. Classic and strong."

"You're the only one I've told, since everyone has an opinion and-a-half about baby names. Especially my mom. She used to be a teacher, so you can't spitball any names without her being like, 'Oh, I had a Jonah in my class who I loved' or 'I taught a Julia who was a total brat.'" Savvy rolls her eyes as she glances away from the display screen. "Anyway, I'm not advertising our potential choices to anyone I don't put my feet in the stirrups for, so I'm guessing you can keep a secret, right?"

Oh. Addison smiles tightly and nods. You have no idea, Savvy.

"We've had a tougher time with girls' names," Savvy continues. "We threw Phoebe into the mix recently. I know it was a long time ago, but do you think the association with Friends is too strong?"

Addison shakes her head. "No, not at all. It's a pretty name, too. You guys have good taste. But I guess Baby Addison isn't a contender if it's a girl?" She quirks up a teasing eyebrow.

"One Addison in my life is plenty," Savvy jokes back. "You know, I wish you could be the baby's godmother, but I wouldn't feel right about not picking Weiss's sister. I'm glad you'll be an auntie though, and one day I'll be an auntie to your kiddo. Plus, you already have a godchild, right? Your friends Naomi and Sam…what's their daughter's name again?"

"Maya. She's ten now."

"Okay. Well, one godchild is enough. We don't want you becoming selfish, Addison."

Selfish.

An unexpected noise rolls through the back of Addison's throat and her eyes fill with tears. She carefully sets the transducer down on the nearby tray and shifts away from her friend. Savvy's fingertips graze against her elbow, but quickly fall away; Addison is a bit too far out of her reach.

"Oh no, Addie." Savvy sits up a little straighter. "Did I say something wrong? I didn't…sorry, I swear my pregnancy hormones have messed with my ability to be sensitive to others' feelings. I was fine for a long time, but the third trimester has sort of…made me a monster? Tell me what I said so I can give you a proper apology. I can't even tell you how many people I've reduced or almost reduced to tears lately at work. It's awful."

"No, it's nothing you said, Sav." Addison shakes her head, and turns back to face her friend with a forced smile. She wipes at her eyes, flustered by this out-of-nowhere reaction. All because of the word selfish. "It's nothing you said or did, I swear. It's just me. It's…" she inhales shakily. She can feel her resolve starting to weaken, because the lies and secrets are just becoming exhausting to live with. "I'm okay. But, also…you're a prosecutor. Isn't making people cry like in the job description or something?"

"I made two people almost cry during witness prep last week – my people. I can assure you, that's not in the job description. But tell me what's going on. You don't seem like you're okay. Just…we're done here, right?" Savvy reaches for a wipe to dab at the gel on her exposed skin, and then starts to pull her ribbed sweater back down. "I want to talk to you, but preferably not while I'm…presenting myself to you like this."

Addison manages a short, choppy laugh while she helps Savvy scoot off the exam table. "If you think this is bad for me, just wait until you're actually having the baby." She gestures to two vinyl chairs flanking the wall of the exam room, and the two women go sit down.

"True, but…" Savvy wraps an arm around Addison, pulling her closer. "Addie, what's wrong?"

"It's just that…I am becoming selfish. Actually, it's worse than that: I am selfish. Completely and utterly selfish. I've been…" she takes a deep, trembling breath. "I've been cheating on Derek. I'm having…God, I'm having an affair. The first time it happened was last October, but it's been happening consistently since January."

"Wow." Savvy's voice is soft. "I wasn't…okay. Oh, wow. Is it with…another doctor?" This is a reasonable question, because who else would it honestly be with? For as much as Addison gets angry about Derek's absenteeism when it comes to the state of their marriage, her life is also her work and her work is also her life most days.

"Yes. You…you've met him before, actually. It's, um. It's Mark. Mark Sloan. Derek's best friend."

Savvy raises an eyebrow. "Oh. Well…" she begins slowly, because all of this is unexpected, but this detail in particular feels unexpected. Savvy has interacted with Mark a handful of times over the years when they've been at the Shepherds' at the same time for gatherings – Mark is attractive, yes, but kind of an ass, and definitely not Addison's type. It doesn't feel appropriate to point this out right now though…although she is sort of blanking on what is appropriate to say in the wake of this confession. "At least you picked someone hot, I guess. And someone who is probably a good lay," she finishes quietly, which prompts an agreeing laugh from Addison, but then she just keeps on crying into her friend's shoulder.

"Please…please don't tell anyone…I know I'm such an awful person, but please -"

"Hey, I'm not going to tell anyone. I won't. Of course I won't. Don't worry about that. And Addie, you're not an awful person, but…you are doing something awful. I wish I didn't have to say that, but…" Savvy sighs. "There's kind of no way around that, and I know you know that. I don't believe you're doing this to be selfish, because you're a very kind person, but this is…this is just inherently selfish."

Addison nods into Savvy's shoulder. "I know. I know it is. Derek's not…he's not...I don't know. Things have been bad for a while now and I just needed one weekend where…" she shakes her head, knowing she's not making much sense. Nothing makes sense anymore though. "I don't think that's why this keeps happening with Mark though. I didn't mean for this to keep happening. I just…I can't stop. I like being with him. I want to be around him. And I know it's wrong, all of this is so freaking wrong and I swore I would never do what my dad constantly did to my mom, but I just…I don't want to stop, Sav."

"Do you have feelings for him?" Savvy asks quietly.

"Y-yeah. I think so, at least. I'm still trying to work it out in my screwed-up head. It's not just about sex – Mark told me that recently, and I…I'm starting to agree. Or I'm starting to finally let myself agree because I've been trying so, so hard not to feel anything. The thing is, if it was just about sex…I could pick a random person because it would just be to scratch an itch and feel desired for a change. I didn't pick a random person though, and I don't want to have sex with a random person. I just want to have sex with Mark." Addison pulls back when she feels a series of light flicks land against her side. "Your baby is kicking me. He or she is judging me for my life choices."

"I think the baby is just trying to tell you how much his or her mom cares about you and that she'll do anything she can to support you," Savvy says kindly. "Hey, what if instead of a quick bite you come back to my place and we order takeout and talk? For as long as you want. You can even spend the night if you want. Weiss won't be back from his dumb ass corporate retreat until tomorrow, so it'll just be a girls' night, and at least one of us is able to drink. Would that be okay? Or if Derek's home and you want to get back to him then -"

"He's not home yet. I'll text him to remind him I'm getting dinner with you and I can tell him that…" Addison shakes her head, hiccupping sadly. "The thing is that even if Derek was home, I promise you: he won't notice me. And Mark, he – he notices. And…and…"

"Okay." Savvy hugs Addison tighter when her sobs start to pick up volume. "Shh. Let's just sit here for a few minutes until you're a little calmer, and then we'll go."

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Three Years Earlier

"They're going to transfer Bizzy to Glenville now that's she stable enough to be moved," Archer says when he joins Addison and Derek in the hallway. Addison wonders if she should feel bad she wasn't in the room when Bizzy's doctor came in during rounds, but frankly, she's been in that room enough over the past twenty-four hours. She's done enough. Let Archer and the Captain deal with it. "Probably in a few hours," Archer adds.

Addison makes a face at this unexpected change in plans. "That seems unnecessary. Archer, did you push back at all? And why…why Glenville?"

"Because God forbid anyone find out about this," Derek answers softly, and Archer gives him an almost approving look.

"Hey, look who is fitting into the family after all." He claps Derek on the back.

"Archer. None of this is funny," Addison snaps, gesturing aggressively with both hands. "You get that, right? Stop being an ass."

"I'm coping, sis. And what do you expect me to do? Stand in front of the entrance and block Bizzy from going to a different facility?"

"She's out of the woods, and Glenville is a good hospital. Small, but good. Less foot traffic. And the Captain will still be with her, so that's good too, Addison," Derek says. She almost hates how annoyingly reasonable he sounds right now. "Obviously we know now that we need to keep more of an eye on Bizzy for the time being, and your dad, well, I know that sometimes -"

"The eye he keeps on our dear mother is a wandering one?"

"Archer," Addison warns at her brother's interjection.

"He'll take care of her," Derek finishes, clearing his throat. "I was just trying to say that it might not always be a perfect marriage, but he loves her and he'll take care of her. So between him and the staff at Glenville – for however long she's there – she's in good hands."

Addison agrees with this, but she is still glowering at her big brother, not ready to let him off the hook for that last remark. "Daddy isn't the bad guy here, Archer."

"Oh, back to Daddy now, are we?" Archer snarls at her. He is upset now. And he usually isn't. He's the easygoing one, the fun one, the one who finds a way to pour humor into everything about their weird upbringing. "I didn't say he was the bad one, Addison – I'm just saying who he is. And do you really think…" he shakes his head. "Are you seriously implying Bizzy is the bad one here? Because of this…? That's pretty damn cruel of you. She's just…she's Bizzy. She's only ever thinking about Bizzy. She didn't do this to hurt us. Come on. We can judge and resent her for a lot of things, but I don't think this is one of them."

"This isn't what I resent her for," Addison mumbles, too quietly for anyone to hear.

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"I wish you'd told me how tough things were getting with Derek," Savvy says once they have finished their takeout and Addison is noticeably more relaxed. "I could have…I know we're both busy because our careers basically swallow us whole most days and I know this kind of stuff is hard to talk about, but still. And I – I know we text and stuff, but it's not quite the same as seeing each other in person. Seeing each other for doctor's appointments doesn't count in some ways, either. I'll try harder to make sure we get to hang out in person more often. You know, other than my husband, of all the people I'm close with, you're probably the one I'm next closest with. You're my best non-Weiss best friend, and I'm not just saying that because you now see my vagina on a regular basis."

Addison smiles warmly at this. "I'll try harder, too. And I feel the same way about you, Sav," she says, knowing it's true. Naomi will always be her best friend in the official sense, but it's hard with Nai being so far away. Derek isn't her best friend anymore – he can't be, because best friends don't treat each other the way Derek sometimes treats her. And Mark, well – he's one of Addison's best friends too, but it's different now. Clearly it's different now. So in many ways, Savvy is her best friend. "But…" Addison gives her friend a mocking grin. "I know – ever since we met at Columbia – this is all just a long con for you, isn't it? You're using me to deliver your baby and then you're peace-ing out of my life for good."

"Yes, that's exactly what's going to happen," Savvy banters back. And then she grows serious, shifting her weight on the couch as she rotates to be able to look closer at her friend. "Addie, I have to ask…you're being careful, right? This whole thing with Mark is complicated enough without adding a third party. Or without needing Valtrex or something."

"I'm being careful."

"Rephrase: are you being careful or are you being as careful as you can possibly be?"

Addison smirks. "You're such a lawyer."

"I should be a presiding judge right now and tell you to 'answer the question, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd,' since you didn't exactly do that," Savvy replies. "But Addie, please make sure you're being as careful as possible. I know you don't need to be lectured about sex education since it's part of your profession, but you're just gonna have to shut up while I say this anyway: the pill is effective when taken correctly, but even then it's still not one-hundred percent effective. And you have a very busy schedule as well as booty calls that probably make you inadvertently stupid and forgetful sometimes because all you're thinking about is having sex…all of which makes it harder to be perfect about taking the pill. And Weiss and I, well, you know – we were planning to try, but I still wasn't expecting to get pregnant, like, practically the second you took my IUD out. Things happen. And as my mom once told me when I was a teenager and we were talking about birth control pills: 'boys have an equal responsibility in preventing an unplanned pregnancy, but they don't technically share equally in the consequences or available birth control methods, so wrap it up, kiddo.' So, all that said: please be careful."

"I can't imagine Bizzy ever talking to me about sex," Addison murmurs. "She never did."

"I wouldn't say so, no. But, Addie -"

"I know, Sav. I know," she interrupts. "Can I ask though…things with you and Weiss…I know appearances can be deceiving, but you seem so happy together, like you're meant to be and you'll always be meant to be. Do you…do you have…I mean, does he ever just…?" Addison sighs. "Sorry. It's like I don't know how to form words anymore. I know no marriage is perfect, so do you have any, like, complaints about Weiss?"

"Every wife has complaints about her husband, babe. And vice versa."

"But…like…what are they? Tell me about them."

"Are you trying to bring my marriage down with yours?" Savvy says, but quickly wraps her fingers around Addison's wrist, squeezing reassuringly. "I'm kidding. So there's those classic things, like he never knows where anything is in the house, he leaves wet towels on the floor, and he's constantly pouring out drinks. Well, you've seen that one with him – when we have people over, it's like they need to glue their La Croix cans or whatever to their bodies so Weiss doesn't dump one that's been left alone for two seconds down the sink. Oh, and when we're talking about our respective work days, he turns into such a mansplainer about his job. He'll mention things like bear markets and knock-in options, and then he tells me what they are in painstaking detail, like I'm a kid and don't know. It's sort of annoying."

"Do you know what those are?"

"Hell no, but it's annoying all the same. But those are all just things, Addie. Things that sometimes drive me crazy, yes, but just…things. I know how I feel about Weiss and I know how he feels about me. I'm guessing your marital complaints are more complicated than that?"

Addison nods. "I think Derek still loves me, but not…not in the way he should. He's definitely not in love with me anymore. When I was young and naïve, I wouldn't have really thought there was much of a difference between the two or that it's something worth packing your bags and moving out over…but I get it now. And Derek, he's…he's miserable."

"Since you're wise enough now to know the difference – I know you love Derek, but are you in love with him still?"

"Yeah, I think so," Addison answers. "I know that's not very convincing, but it's hard for me to feel strongly for Derek at the moment when it seems like he doesn't feel that way for me. I'm so resentful towards him lately. And confused. And I'm sort of miserable when I'm with him, too. Maybe I just need to let him go, or offer him an out, because he would never be the one to leave. You know he wouldn't. Not without a reason, at least."

"And…are you trying to give him a reason? Even if it's just subconsciously?"

"I'm not sure."

"Weiss's sister, Charna – you know, she remarried a few years ago. And she and Nate are so happy together. Annoyingly, stupidly happy, and it's not just for show. And her first marriage wasn't bad or anything…she and Jared still stay in touch a bit, actually. I was shopping with Charna a few weeks ago and she picked out a receiving blanket to send to Jared and I'm-completely-blanking-on-her-name -now; he's remarried now too, and his wife is due in the summer. I'm just saying, regardless of what happens down the road and whatever it is you end up wanting to do…some love stories can be good ones, but they just aren't meant to end with that whole forever 'and they lived happily ever after' thing, you know?"

"They probably aren't supposed to end with 'and then she started screwing around behind her husband's back,' either."

"No, definitely not," Savvy murmurs in agreement. "But I mean…things were good for a long time, right? You married the first boy who ever told you he loved you, and honestly – because there were some real duds there in college for a hot minute – the first one who was ever worthy of your love. And maybe things can be good again, but if not, you're still going to land on your feet and none of the good stuff has to be cancelled out. You and Derek survived med school and your residencies together, you had a blast at your wedding – we all did – and you're both these hotshot doctors who in some ways probably needed each other's support to get to this point in your careers, and you've created a lot of nice memories along the way. You're not just husband and wife; you've been friends, too. So even though things are a certain way now and if you decide you don't want to fix it or wait around for Derek to take an active interest in fixing things, you don't necessarily have to harbor regrets about all the time you've had together and the life you've made. It's just…maybe it's not meant to be a whole life with Derek. Maybe it's just a chapter, you know? That's all I'm trying to say, and I'm saying that as someone who loves both of you and would be sad if things don't work out. And I'm not saying it's meant to be a whole life with Mark instead, if that's even something you want, but Addison…follow me for a sec. Hypothetically, if there were no repercussions or judgments and no one would end up getting hurt…like, if you could wave a magic wand and everything would be okay…what would you do? Would you want to be with Mark more than Derek? Maybe it's close, like fifty-five versus fifty, but there's no way you want them the exact same amount. And you can't have them both, anyway. Even though that would be kind of amazing, honestly. But, anyway. What would you want to do if no one could get hurt? Who would you want to be with?"

"I'm not sure," Addison admits. Different question, same answer as before.

"Well, then I think you need to work on figuring that out."

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Mark says yes and gives Addison a sort of adorable, one-shouldered shrug when she asks if he wants to go back to the Hamptons with her sometime soon. He can tell Derek whatever he wants regarding his whereabouts, Addison informs him – it's not like the guys see each other every weekend anyway – and she will tell Derek that she and Savvy are having a girls' weekend. The Hamptons weekend was Savvy's idea, actually, and although Savvy said she wouldn't really feel great about it, she'd willingly serve as an alibi for Addison.

"There was supposed to be an ulterior motive to the Hamptons trip other than this for once not having to be a cross-Central-Park booty call with specific times where I leave to go back to my regular life. My friend Savvy – she knows about us – suggested we use the time to shut everything out and discuss what the hell this is we're doing – still doing – and where we go from here, but the thing is that I'd rather just…I'd rather just be able to relax with you, to escape that equally exciting and terrifying feeling of being found out. I don't want to have to talk about what it is we're doing…" Addison hesitates when Mark guides her backward until her legs are pressing into cabinet drawers and her lower back is against Mark's kitchen counter. "Mark," she murmurs when his hands reach for the zipper on the back of her pencil skirt, coaxing it down in one smooth, purring stroke. "You're listening to me, right?"

"I'm listening to you," he confirms. And then his thumbs are looping under the material, dragging both the Dolce & Gabbana skirt and her panties down. "I can multitask, Addison." He slides his palms along her bare legs. "And I'm fine with a non-ulterior motive weekend with you."

Mark can indeed multitask – months of intimacy with him has absolutely taught Addison that – but soon all words stop and he's on the floor in front of her and one of her legs is folded over his shoulder. It's a little unfair, she thinks, how unreasonably good he is at this (his unreasonable amount of practice and also his enthusiasm for female anatomy in the past two decades helps, and this crosses Addison's mind from time to time, though she always tries to push the thought away). Mark just knows though. In general, but with her, too. He knows to build up the pressure slowly – consistency rather than speed for her, at least at first – and then when it gets to a point, that point, he doesn't let up. He knows, somehow, just how much Addison can take, and she is continually amazed over the fact that when her body stops clenching around him, Mark keeps fluttering his fingers and pressing his mouth against her anyway, knowing he can get more out of her. And it's incredible. Derek always stops once Addison's hips stop jerking and he feels her start to relax (not that they've done anything like this in a long, long time). And so did the men before Derek. Not Mark though. Whatever Addison thought the boundaries of her pleasure were – Mark has driven her past them, and there's no looking back now.

"Mark, I can't…I can't…" Addison eventually gasps out when she feels her knees start to buckle. Her hands grab tighter around the edge of the counter, knuckles tensed and white-dappled.

"Relax." Mark's mouth barely pulls away from the current task he's taking quite seriously (and she's certainly not complaining about that), but he does readjust one of his hands, gripping the back of her thigh a little tighter. "I've got you," he murmurs, nuzzling his nose against her pubic bone. "I won't let you fall."

It's not just practice and an inestimable amount of experience with the fairer sex. And it's not self-indulgence or Mark's staggering hubris, or it's at least not entirely or only those things – it's caring about her body. Caring about her, Addison knows, which makes her involuntarily shudder. And then Mark rubs his tongue over her a little more forcefully and she keeps shuddering and then she's tossing her head back and groaning.

"Wow," Addison mumbles exhaustedly when Mark eventually pulls back. She slides slowly down to a sitting position, limply stretching her still-quivering legs out, and Mark scoots sideways to sit next to her, waiting peacefully while she works on catching her breath.

He lightly nudges her shoulder with his. "You're welcome," he says, which makes her snort.

"About the Hamptons," she says, looking over at him. "It would have to be soon. I was thinking next weekend, actually, if that works for you. Savvy is due in seven weeks. I don't anticipate an early arrival, but I'm her doctor and I promised to deliver that kid, so…"

Mark nods. He also realizes he didn't bring it up earlier, so he circles back to it now: "You told Savvy," he states, placing a hand on Addison's bare thigh.

"I had to. I just needed someone to…" she sighs and doesn't finish the thought. And Mark doesn't ask her to. "Savvy won't tell anyone," she adds.

"Attorney-client privilege?" Mark says with a grin. He's only met Savvy a handful of times - and couldn't tell you her name unless Addison or Derek said it first - but he does recall what she does for a living. He remembers her joking that she'd represent him free of charge for his first divorce. What makes you think I'm crazy enough to fall in love and get married? he asked her with a chuckle. Derek and Addison had laughed, too.

"More like friendship-privilege," Addison answers. "We each get one, I guess. You told Lynette. Who still hates me, by the way."

"My receptionist doesn't hate you. She just…she's just not really that fond of you."

Addison grins weakly. "Right. Thanks for that; that's definitely so much better. Can I ask you something though?" She ducks her head when she says this, and Mark registers the expression of shyness creeping over her feature. "Can we…this is…" she shakes her head, giggling. "Sorry. I'm nervous," she admits.

"Don't be," he murmurs, leaning forward to kiss the top of her head. Mark wants to lift her face back up and kiss her properly, but he gets the sense that she doesn't want to – or maybe just can't – make eye contact with him when she says whatever it is she's going to say. He feels a slight jolt of fear that maybe this is it, Addison's ending things, but then he realizes this is irrational – or irrational in this circumstance. Why would she ask him to go away with her for a weekend and why would she have looked so excited when he said he'd go? No. It's not that. Not yet. "Just tell me, Red," he says. "Besides, I've said some pretty nerve-wracking, embarrassing shit to you about my feelings recently. The least you could do is return the favor and share whatever it is you're nervous about," he concludes with small smile, and this makes Addison smile back.

"Okay. While we're in the Hamptons…can we pretend that we're together-together? I don't want to have the whole 'where is this going and what does this mean' discussion, but when we're there can it just be like…like it's just us and we shut out the entire world?" Mark notices how wide and scared her eyes look beneath her thick, dusky lashes when she asks this. "I know that's not fair to ask, Mark, since you've said things to me that I haven't said to you and we're not a couple, but I just thought maybe…and I – I know it's kind of cheesy and maybe -"

"A 'just us' sort of way sounds good, Addison," Mark cuts in to spare her more anxious babbling, and the look of relief that settles over her features makes him want to hug her. And Addison is right, of course. It's not fair of her to ask this; it's astoundingly insensitive, actually. But ever since last fall, Mark foolishly will take whatever she is willing to give him. "Speaking of…let's have some more 'just us' time right now," he adds, and Addison smiles playfully, clearly in agreement. "And for the record," he adds when he pulls her on top of him, "I would like to point out that when we were done a few minutes ago, that was you sinking to the floor afterwards…not me letting you fall."

Addison kisses him after he says this, long and slow, because it's easier than speaking and sharing. Mark didn't let her fall. He held her up earlier, she knows. He kind of always does.

Speckles of light waltz behind her closed eyes when her lips cover his.

Addison thinks maybe she is falling though. Has fallen.

For him.

. .
. .

References:

In Grey's 2x08, we were introduced to a one-episode and never-mentioned-again character named Savvy. And I absolutely love that an entire fandom (mostly those of us with an active interest in Addison/Derek), came together and without any discussion, we all just collectively decided about said character, "This girl is cool. This girl is funny. This girl maybe has a dirty sense of humor. This girl gets it." I have never read a fic with Savvy in it that was sayin' otherwise, at least. YAY US. Reminder: none of my Savvy stuff in this fic is canon compliant.

A nod to the sheets: Derek's favorite sheets were actually the flannel ones, but Addison THOUGHT his favorite ones were the Italian ones. Below is an exchange in Grey's 2x03. Izzie was also present, and looked about ready to sink into the floor.

Derek: "You slept with my best friend in my favorite sheets."
Addison: "The flannel sheets? You hate the flannel sheets."
Derek: "No, I loved those sheets."
Addison: "You liked the Italian sheets with the paisleys -"
Derek: "Would you just stop talking about the sheets?"

Other things. So, as we all know, the timeline on Grey's (and PP, by extent) has never made sense. We all know that, and I've said it before: I almost respect the writers' commitment to not getting bogged down with a timeline. Here is what I'm working off of for the purposes of this fic though:

- Meredith's internship started July first. Derek said around this time (within a few days of knowing her) that he'd been living in Seattle for six weeks – it was in a scene in early season one. That puts him in Seattle in late May.

- We know he left the morning after catching Addison and Mark in bed together…well. We sort of know that. The original story was Derek caught them in bed together, walked away without saying a word, and got in the car and drove across the country. We learned from a flashback in 3x01 that Derek stayed long enough to throw Addison's clothes and their comforter and HER outside, and eventually said he'd come back the following morning to get his things.

We know from Private Practice that Amelia once caught Addison and Mark (that's coming, btw). It isn't mentioned in what sort of STATE Amelia found these two knuckleheads, but she certainly didn't walk in on them baking cookies with enough space for Jesus in between them. Soooo Mark and Addison were absolutely fooling around for a bit before Derek caught them. My guess/belief is no more than a few weeks/maybe three months tops, but I went with a longer time period for this fic to build up more of the emotional component. Thanks as always for reading. Happy 2021, all!