Atlas

by darlingwrecks

What if you can build something out of the wreckage that you caused? Mark/Addison (and Derek), pre-Grey's. Includes flashbacks to Addison's childhood, Mark's childhood, and works off the fact that the "he was just here" comment was not accurate. Long-term affair. Mark/Addison and Derek/Meredith endgame.

50. Awaken to the Thrashing Stream

FIFTY CHAPTERS. Good lord. Hi! Chapter title is a lyric from the song "Isn't It Amazing?" by Vienna Teng. With the exception of the first flashback (Savvy and Addison!), the flashbacks in this chapter pick up bright and early the morning after Addison and Derek's divorce was finalized (there will be some happier, more kid-involved flashbacks later, but just not in this chapter). The divorce took place in Chapter 41, and as a reminder, at the time they did not yet know Clara was (definitely) a girl, so she was just "Baby."

There are a few italicized snippets from an Addison/Derek phone call that was referenced in Chapter 37.

This is…very long. The longest chapter I have ever written. And definitely longer than any one-shot I've ever written, too. But I didn't want to split it up, and I didn't want to cut anything out, so…here are, gulp, a little under 20K words, comin' in hot (maybe take a stretch break halfway through). I'm very proud of this one though, and I hope you like it!

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Chapter 50. Awaken to the Thrashing Stream

Two Years Earlier

"That's good. Or…" Addison tries not to wince when Savvy blows right through the that's good stop sign she has politely given. Instead, Addison is left with a very generous, close-to-the-rim glass of Barolo when Savvy finally tips the bottle away. "Okay. This is good too. Cheers." Addison lifts her glass, but avoids clinking it against her friend's, not wanting to chance sloshing any red wine on Savvy's hand-tufted rug.

"We never do this anymore." Savvy sighs wistfully as she gestures towards Addison's overnight bag. "Remind me why we never do this anymore?"

"Because between us we have three kids." Addison thinks of Clara and Ruby, who should be in their pajamas by now. Mark will be getting them ready for bed, and even though he is a wonderful father, Addison does not envy the task before him. She just finished sending him a text asking how things are going. Their two-year-old (not their twenty-seven month-old, because Addison is trying not to be the kind of parent who goes longer than necessary with the months classification, but it is emotional since Ruby is her baby) plays hard enough that she will be wiped out by bedtime, but Clara – who will be four soon – likes routine and consistency. And Addison not being there to tuck her in tonight is definitely a change. There is no way she will not be teary-eyed, and Ruby will certainly play off her big sister's mood. Just go. You're always too busy doing things for us to do something for yourself, Mark had insisted when Addison brought up what Savvy had in mind. Weiss was planning to take Phoebe to visit his parents in Scarsdale, and Savvy methodically, lawyer-ishly worked her way out of that daughter-in-law obligation, and then reached out to Addison, asking if she wanted to do a "moms night in" and spend the night on Saturday. It was a tempting offer, and Mark had encouraged her to go. Just go, Addie. We'll be fine.

"Please," Savvy replies. "Three kids between us? Phoebe is basically five kids. There's no way she doesn't see the back of a cop car one day."

"That is not true. Don't say that. But, well, if it is true…at least her mother will be able to get the charges dropped."

Savvy shakes her head, laughing. "I start my new position next month, and already you're bringing up corruption. So…Seattle," she says, and Addison repeats the language Savvy used for the subject transition. So…Seattle. Of course Addison jumped at the chance for a sleepover – wine and junk food and a quick break from motherly responsibilities – but one of the primary reasons for this gathering is the opportunity to discuss the recent trip Savvy took. She attended a winter convening for legal executives hosted at the Washington State Convention Center, and before she left, she told Addison that she might try to see Derek. Addison was touched by the fact that her friend wanted to give her a heads-up, even though it is not as if Addison has ever tried to encourage Savvy or Weiss to sever communication with her ex-husband. And now, the women finally have a chance to talk about Savvy's time in Seattle. No kids, no husbands, no work-related matters, no distractions. Just lots of alcohol.

"How was it?"

"The work and networking part was fine, but obviously that's not what you're interested in." Addison's cheeks flush at this statement. "It was good though. It's a nice city. I can see the appeal. Real kid-friendly, too. And I did see Derek. Well, we did, I mean," Savvy clarifies. Weiss and Phoebe came with her, and they stayed a few extra days to explore Seattle. "We saw him twice." Savvy pauses to take a sip of wine. "Tell me what you want to know," she says, an attorney through and through, not volunteering more information than necessary. And also protecting her friend's heart.

"Is he happy? And still doing well?" Addison knows the answer to these things, courtesy of remaining close with Amelia and posing the questions on occasion, but she asks again anyway. When Clara was a baby, Addison had tentatively asked Amelia how Derek was doing, and when she shared with her that Derek was doing well and was happy, it felt like Addison's lingering wounds had filled with new tissue. She had hurt Derek, and ruined his night, and his subsequent days and maybe even weeks, but she had not ruined his entire life.

"Tell me about him," Addison requests when Savvy provides her with confirmatory responses. With Amelia, there is an unspoken understanding not to discuss Derek specifically. It is all just generalities – nothing revealing, nothing more than, They're all good if Addison were to ask, How is everyone doing? Somehow, perhaps against all odds, they navigate this vagueness with ease. And it is not like their conversations are particularly shallow; they are just mindful of what deep sections they elect to wade into. "Tell me what Derek's life is like. I…I want to know."

"Okay…let's see. He's still the head of his department…no surprises there. He wants to be the chief of surgery, but the current guy isn't planning to retire just yet. He still roots for New York-based teams, which Weiss was happy to hear. He fishes on weekends. He has a nice house. It's stunning, honestly…it's like a fancy version of a log cabin. The second time we saw him, we hung out there. He lives outside the city – and when I say outside, I really do mean outside. He lives in the woods. Or the forest. I don't know…it's like a forest-woods. If he hadn't given us very specific directions, there's no way we would have found the place, even with Maps. He bought the land when he moved to Seattle, and eventually he built the house on it…with a lot of help, although he left that part out in the retelling." Addison cannot help but feel some amusement over this remark. Sharing the credit was never one of Derek's strengths. "And then his girlfriend eventually moved in with him."

"Is the girlfriend…I mean, is she the one…"

"She's the intern. Or, former intern, I mean. She's in her final year of residency. She's a general surgeon, which sounds so…is that like real estate law? Like the easiest sector?"

Addison shakes her head. "No, you snob. It still involves logging a lot of training and critical care cases. And lots of medical management."

"All right, fine. Do you…want to know her name?" Addison nods. "Meredith. Her name is Meredith. She's nice. Quiet at first, but it was a weird situation for her to have to participate in, given that she knew we were Derek's friends from New York, and she sort of had to come face-to-face with his previous life. We had Phoebe with us, so I wasn't sure…the first night we met them at a bar across the street from the hospital. Joe's, or something. Derek and Meredith said they knew the owner, so it was fine to bring the Fee-ster in. I couldn't stop thinking about that quote though…I'm blanking on the movie title. 'Look at you,'" Savvy recites, trying her hand at a southern accent that is too high in pitch. "'You have a baby in a bar.' Anyway. Phoebe liked them both. And Derek…his hair is a little longer than it was when he lived here. And he's grayer around the temples, but he looks the same other than that. You know how men fucking are – they age as well as the wine we're currently drinking. He's a little thinner, too. From walking all those woodsy trails near his house, maybe."

"He did always like being outside," Addison volunteers, wanting to say something. "Fishing, hiking…that sort of thing." Derek also liked Manhattan though. And he never really liked the Hamptons, which had plenty of outdoor activities…which doesn't make sense. But then, Addison reminds herself, a lot of things towards the end of our marriage didn't make sense.

"I went to the bathroom with Meredith at one point…Phoebe has this new thing where if someone excuses themselves to go to the bathroom, and she overhears it, guess what? I hope you like company, because Phoebe Levin will be in the stall next to you. I think she just likes to be included in things; she's totally going to be that girl one day who becomes friends with other girls in a seedy bar bathroom. But I can't not take her. I tried that once when we were at Adventureland – and I had seriously just taken her, and then her aunt Charna said she was going to use the restroom, and I told Phoebe that no, you just went, there's no way you have to pee again, and Charna could go by herself, and…well." Savvy rolls her eyes. "You can imagine how it all ended, and I got to feel like a crappy mom to boot, so that was fun. So, point being: we followed your ex-husband's girlfriend into the bathroom, and of course my four-year-old didn't have to go after all, so we just washed our hands while we waited for Meredith. And when she came out of the stall I apologized for making her entire trip to the bathroom so…invasive. And weird." Savvy grins. "Meredith was cool about it though. She said it was okay, and when we were walking back out to meet the guys – Phoebe ran ahead – Meredith said that some of this was probably weird for us, too, since we knew Derek when he was married, and we were there in the…in the aftermath." Savvy pauses, giving Addison a moment to digest this statement. "She knows what happened. Why he moved to Seattle."

Addison's response is without much affectedness. "I assumed he told her the whole story."

"She said that Derek told her he was married – well, separated – in August. They met the night before her internship started, so he waited…he waited like six weeks. And she said things with him were pretty exclusive by then. They hadn't had a 'what is this' conversation, but it was clear they were only with each other, and when he finally told her the truth, she was furious. You know…hurt and embarrassed. And rightfully so. He tried to soften it by explaining that you guys were separated, and you lived in New York with Mark, and that he…he had…well, you and Derek -"

"He had no interest in reconciling," Addison helpfully fills in so that Savvy does not have to say it. "And I'm sure he also shared – if it was around that time – that he had been served, and lawyers were involved. I can't imagine if I were in her shoes…" Addison tries not to think about how the shoes Meredith was in were because of the shoes that she put Derek in. "I can't imagine I would have handled that well, if I were her."

"She egged his trailer."

"She egged his…" Addison stares at Savvy from under furrowed brows. "Wait, his what?"

"Oh, God. Oh, God, how did I forget this part? You're gonna die. So, he didn't build the house right away, so for a while…for at least a year, I think…he lived in a trailer. Like one of those shiny-looking Airstream things?" Savvy shudders dramatically. "Can you imagine? I'd seriously rather die. Anyway, so a few hours after Derek told Meredith about his marital status, she and her friend…I'm blanking on her name, but she called her 'my twisted sister'…they drove out to the trailer in the dark of the night. And they…they egged it. They egged the trailer. Which…I'm sorry, but that was the funniest fucking thing I'd ever heard. They only had three eggs at Meredith's house, but they drove over with the eggs in cup holders and the twisted sister had the car running while Meredith flung the eggs at the trailer door." Addison cannot help but laugh at this, and she laughs harder when Savvy starts laughing. "Meredith said they talked a few days later though, like really talked, and she forgave Derek for not being honest. And for not sharing information that, had she known when they met at the bar – at Joe's, actually – would have stopped her in her tracks. She said in a strange way it was almost good for them, because they agreed from that day forward, 'no more secrets, share what they're feeling,' and stuff like that. And…she's also…she's still the girlfriend, but there's a ring." Savvy presses her lips together, sobering at this admission. "Derek told me."

"Oh." Addison nods quickly. "Well, good. Good for him. I'm glad he's happy then, and that he and Meredith are in a good, non-egging place." She wonders what it means – and it is definitely a topic worth reconsidering when she isn't drinking, and when she's sitting in Marie's office for her once-a-month appointment – that her feelings about all these updates contain an overall sense of…neutrality. She wants Derek to be happy. It really is as simple as that.

"He asked how you and Mark were doing." Savvy reaches for her phone on the coffee table. "I said you were both doing well. And that's…that's it. I didn't want to elaborate, unless he specifically asked for more information. And he didn't say anything that indicated he wanted more. But he asked." Savvy gives her a small, hopeful smile. "And he didn't have to ask, you know? I have pictures from the trip. Mostly of Phoebe, and a few of the three of us, but I also have one with Derek and Meredith. Do you want to see that one?" Savvy hands her phone over when Addison says that she would like to, and then Savvy excuses herself to use the bathroom, granting Addison a little privacy.

They are all packed together in the picture, bodies hunched away from the booth back rests. Savvy and Weiss are on one side of the table – with Phoebe in Weiss's lap – and Meredith and Derek are on the other. After a cursory glance, Addison takes in the smaller details first, wanting to build her way up to examining the faces closer. The light-up sign in the background advertising some sort of Irish Amber, peanut shells scattered on the table's surface, and a few empty-looking food baskets make it clear this was taken in a bar. Joe's, probably…that was what Savvy thought the bar was called, and where she said they went the first time they met up with Derek. There are beers on the table for the adults, and Addison can see the cherries piled in Phoebe's clearer-looking drink. A Shirley Temple. That's what Phoebe would have wanted – Clara loves those, too. And then Addison sees a single bright red circle in Meredith's pint glass, and for some reason, her throat tightens at this gesture. Phoebe must have shared one of her cherries.

Addison follows the beer with a cherry upward, her eyes tracing a path to the face of the woman who is her ex-husband's girlfriend. Soon to be fiancée. Meredith. She likes the name; it is pretty, and not one she has heard often. And Meredith herself is pretty. Addison enlarges the picture so she can study the woman closer. Meredith's smile is open, inviting. Her hair hangs in loose blonde-brown waves behind her shoulders. Her eyes are a pale blue, small and more almond than round-shaped above long cheek lines. There is a softness to her facial features – nothing sharp, nothing angular. She is closer to the camera than Derek, but it is still a decent enough capture that Addison can scrutinize Derek's appearance as well. She does the calculation in her head; in September, it will have been five years since she last saw him.

Savvy is right. His hair is grayer, and his face looks thinner, but otherwise, he looks the same. Derek has an arm curved around Meredith's waist, and his smile is a relaxed one, not that specific smile-for-the-camera smile he used to sometimes do for photos. Relaxed. And peaceful. And happy. That is how Addison would describe his appearance. And Meredith's, too.

It is not just Derek in the flesh. She has not seen a photo of him – even old ones – in years. There are no longer any pictures of Derek on her phone. Maybe it was an extreme reaction, and it probably did not help that her emotions were so heightened during her pregnancy with Clara, but it hurt Addison to have them on her phone. And, yet, banishing them entirely also felt wrong; she was both tearful and queasy at the thought. Instead, she imported the pictures she had with Derek – both iPhone ones and ones that existed outside the confines of her little screen – to her laptop a few days after her divorce was finalized, and then saved them onto a flash drive, which is now housed in a drawer in her office, surrounded by extra pens and a frayed, no-longer-used charging cord. And her wedding album is out of sight as well. When she and Mark lived at the apartment, she kept it shoved away in the back of their coat closet, but when they moved into the duplex, she put the album in a storage unit along with some other items that realistically, she knows they could donate or throw out: some dated seasonal décor, some vases, old sports gear of Mark's, and an outdoor grill.

Derek is familiar in the picture on Savvy's phone, but he is also anything but familiar. Just like how Addison has made a life without him, he has made one without her. And a good one, from the looks of it.

"You okay?"

"I am." Addison startles at the sound of Savvy's voice. "I just noticed…does Meredith have a cherry in her pint glass?"

"She does. Phoebe reached across the table and dropped it in there – which was after Meredith had politely declined the cherry, mind you."

Addison gives Savvy back her phone. "She's pretty," she observes. "I know I'm pretty, too, Sav." She starts to laugh when she sees her friend draw her shoulders back, as though ready to offer an esteem-building pep talk. "I'm just saying; that's all."

"She's not who I imagined he'd be with," Savvy admits. Addison can sort of understand that – if only from an appearance-based perspective, as she herself has never met Meredith. And as to that, she knows she was the first one to break a trend of sorts. The two girlfriends Derek had during his college years were on the shorter side, and were brown-haired, brown-eyed, and full-lipped. They sort of looked similar, actually. Addison had asked about them when she and Derek were dating, trying not to appear too interested in her then-boyfriend's response. I cared about them both, Derek told her, and I said "I love you" to the one I dated during my junior year – Lindsay – but what I felt for them doesn't compare at all to how I feel for you. You're my first real love. The same was true for Addison. First and only, she added at the time. "But the thing is…" Savvy says, interrupting Addison's thoughts, and the look she gives her is nothing short of meaningful. "People can surprise you. Who they are, and who they can be, and who they ultimately decide they can and can't live without."

Addison knows her own life is proof of this. "Yes. Yes, that's true."

Her phone vibrates. Perfect timing. She needs this. She is okay, but it was still a little disconcerting to receive a detailed update on Derek's life. But Addison's present is now visible on her lock screen. It is a picture of Clara and Ruby seated next to each other on her side of the bed, which is where they will fall asleep, and where Mark will inevitably leave them, even if it means an uncomfortable sleep for him, thanks to sharp little elbows and kicks. Clara has a stuffed animal tucked under her arm, and Ruby is sucking on her thumb while she leans against Clara's shoulder. Mark took the photo from the side, so Addison can tell that the straight-forward look for her girls means they are watching a movie…when their set bedtime has already passed. Completely unsurprising. And tear-free faces, which also does not surprise Addison, even though bedtime might have started with a few tears from Clara. Addison knows she is biased, but no one offers reassurance and kind, comforting hugs quite like her husband does. And then a text from Mark follows the picture: I gave in immediately. I'm an easy "mark" for the ladies in my life.

Addison is beaming as she types out her response. A sense of peace has settled back over her. I know, she tells him. It's one of the reasons we love you so much.

There are so, so many reasons to love Mark. And her girls. And the life they have built from the burnt-down embers of the worst thing Addison has ever done. This love, this life with the four of them…this is what she could never live without.

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"Derek…?"

"Addison." His voice is shaky-sounding when it comes through, and Addison tightens her fingers around the window sill in response, wanting something to do with her unoccupied hand. The cadence, even after all this time, even when it seems colored by some kind of distress, is instantly recognizable. "Hi. Sorry for the barrage of calls. I know…I know it's been…" Derek makes an unintelligible noise and starts over. "Am I interrupting you?"

You're always interrupting. It comes to Addison without warning. She asked a similar question once when she initiated the hardest phone call she ever had to make – and that was the greeting from Derek that welcomed her. She pinches her fingers around the sill hard enough to see the presence of white collecting under the top of her nail plates.

"No, it's okay." She swallows nervously. "What's going on? Is it your mom…?" Amelia would have told her though, if something had happened to Carolyn. And Addison last texted with Amelia about a week ago…surely Amelia is still fine, too? It has to be something family-related though…the Shepherds must have been dealt another cruel blow.

"No, she's fine. They're all fine," Derek says, and she softens at his inclusive use of they're. "It's…it's Meredith. My, uh, my wife."

"Your wife." Addison feels inane for repeating it. She knows they are married. Or assumed, at least. She could never bring herself to ask Amelia – and she long ago reached a point with Amelia where Amelia does not tell her anything about Derek if she does not ask – but Savvy once said that there was a ring. Addison wonders if it is odd that she never considered that the reason for the call might be about Derek specifically…or his wife, as it is.

"Yeah. She's twenty-two weeks pregnant. She has Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome. It was…at first it was…" Derek takes a shuddery breath. Tears in his throat. That is what Addison always thought of it as, whenever he became emotional. "When signs started to develop, the plan was just to monitor it, and we were hopeful it wouldn't progress, but it's getting…it's getting worse. It got worse so quickly. I didn't realize how…it just happened so quickly. She had another fetal MRI and echocardiogram done on Friday and the…the recipient one…her heart is working too hard. Persistent state of hypervolemia. And the amniotic fluid levels are -"

"What stage is it at, Derek?"

"It's stage three now. And stage four…four and five are…"

"I know what four and five are," she replies calmly, not wanting Derek to linger on the thought of heart failure or neonatal morbidity. "This is beyond the skillset of an OB. Whose been helping you out there?" She feels both like herself and so far removed from herself in this moment, to be competently discussing a condition that lies within the bounds of one of her specialties…with her ex-husband.

"Abrams…uh, Bryce. Bryce Abrams. You know, not all hospitals are able to…he's the closest one to us who does laser ablation. And he and his team have a good reputation. He was the one who confirmed the diagnosis…and Abrams, he's great, he's supposed to be great, but he just…he isn't…" Derek's thoughts are still arriving in half-gasps. He is every bit a frightened father-to-be at the moment and nothing of the calm, measured person Addison knows. Or knew. "I've been thinking it over, and he isn't…and, you know, then there's Nicole Herman, and I've met her before and she's a great surgeon, too, but she just isn't -"

"These surgeons aren't me." Addison understands what he is attempting to say.

"Right…right. They aren't you. I just…when it was clear something was wrong, and it hit the point that observation is no longer an option…I can't let just anyone…with Meredith…I know that it's a lot to ask of you, but -"

"It's not," Addison cuts in. "It's really not." It is a lot, maybe on some level, but it also isn't. She doesn't want to think about it, but if, God forbid, something was wrong with Mark or one of their babies and neurological intervention was required, Addison wouldn't let just any neurosurgeon open one of their skulls, regardless of his or her reputation. She would want someone she trusted, even if, at this point, as is likely the case with Derek, it was someone she trusted only as a medical professional. "Can you email me the scans? And then I'll call you back once I've looked at them, and we can come up with a plan. We'll need to act quickly since it's reached this stage, but send me the echo images and MRI scan first. And attach anything else you have on file from her OB. Just give me an hour to get back to you."

"Okay. Okay, yeah, that's good. Thank you. Thank you. And we can fly out as soon as necessary. I'll send the stuff over -"

"Wait. Let me give you my email address." Addison assumes he was probably going straight for the NYP one...or the since-deleted Addison Shepherd address. It probably never occurred to her ex-husband that she might have stopped using the Shepherd one…yet another thing that is the potential plight of the wife in the divorce process. Addison remembered when she created the email account shortly after getting married – she was giddy with excitement over it. "It's my first name, period, then Montgomery, at p…as in penguin…w…health dot org."

"Okay, got it. You're…oh. You're not at NYP?"

"No, I'm not. I still have surgical privileges there, so I'm there a lot, but I went into group practice a few years ago." She hears the reedy crackle of static in response. The sound reminds her of the collapse of her marriage. "Derek…are you still there?"

"Yeah, I'm here. I just wasn't expecting…I guess a lot of things have changed."

It has been years, but Addison can still hear the hurt-laced words, can beckon them as easily as she might a quote from one of her favorite novels: There was a time I thought you were the love of my life. Things change. And you changed everything by getting naked with my best friend. This isn't something I can forgive you for.

"Yes," Addison answers quietly. "For both of us."

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Seven Years Earlier

Be gentle with her, honey. It is one of those things that pops into Mark's head sometimes as an adult. Not the entirety of the memory each time, but just his mother's soft, soothing words: be gentle with her, honey. Mark was seven years old when he found an injured baby bird in their backyard, listless and droopy-winged. They could not find a nest to return it to, and it did not look like the bird was able to hobble away, so Jenny lined a tea towel inside a casserole dish, and Mark held the dish in his lap while she drove them to nearest vet. He quietly stroked a finger over an oily-slick feather during the car ride. Be gentle with her, honey. Mark cannot speak to what ultimately happened to the bird. He recalls crying though, when they walked out of the vet's office without the bird. Jenny told him the bird was not their pet; it was the vet's job to fix her, and the vet would decide what to do after she was healed. But what if they don't bring her back to her family? What if they can't find her family? Mark had cried on the way home. In hindsight, he realized that even then, he was desperate for any semblance of a family. A safe, stable, ordinary family. Then maybe she'll have a new bird family, Jenny said. She won't be alone, Mark. They'll find someone for her.

Mark does not seem to have control over when these words from Jenny filter through him, but it makes sense that they would arrive this morning. He is up a few minutes before his alarm is set to go off. He peeks over at Addison, who is still asleep. In the lines of morning light pushing through their curtains, Mark can make out faint shadows curved beneath her eyes. Be gentle with her, honey. When Mark reaches out and drags his hand along Addison's arm, she feels every bit as fragile as that baby bird he once wept over.

"Hi…" he greets when her eyes open blearily. Her lower lids are as swollen and red-rimmed as he expected them to be.

Addison sounds a little congested when she tells him, "I didn't…I didn't hear the alarm."

"I turned it off. I woke up a few minutes ago." Mark does not follow this up with How did you sleep? or How are you doing? because there is no way she slept well and there is no way she is doing particularly great. Seeing Derek yesterday and signing the divorce papers was difficult enough, but then seeing Derek again in the courtyard and exchanging words only added to Addison's anguish. "I'm going to start getting ready," he says instead. "Do you still want to come with me?" They had talked about this yesterday – she is off today, and he just has two appointments this morning – and she seemed in favor of this suggestion.

"I think I'm just going to stay here…and sleep some more." Addison's voice is a notch above a whisper. "I'm really tired."

"You sure?" He does not particularly want to leave her alone, even if it is just for a few hours. "You could always nap in my office. The pillow couch is pretty comfortable." He watches a flash of recognition sweep over Addison's face; she understands the context. Lynette had been Mark's receptionist for all of three weeks when he came into his office and found her settling a variety of brightly-colored throw pillows on his couch with inspirational, beauty-is-from-the-inside-out type quotes that practically made his skin crawl. I don't care that the two-seater is shoved in the corner and it's just for you to take cat naps and you're not actually going to have sex with a patient on it, Dr. Sloan! It has a creepy feel to it, Lynette told him when he protested the presence of the cheerful pillows. If the pillows go, I'm going, too.

"I'm sure. Even though I'd love to knock all those stupid pillows off, I just want to sleep some more. You should start getting ready though," she adds. "And when you go into the kitchen, you can flip the calendar over." She looks a little happier upon saying this. "New month."

Mark gives her shoulder a light squeeze. "Yeah. There's going to be some good things in October." Well. One, specifically, since they will find out whether Baby is a girl or boy this month, but he knows that there have to be other good things, too, now that the divorce is in the rearview mirror. It will be different – and not necessarily easy – to walk this new terrain as a non-married, non-adulterous couple, but at least the prospect of Addison seeing Derek in person (and him too, accidentally) is no longer weighing over her.

"Yeah, you're right. And there's Halloween," Addison says. "But you probably…you probably don't get trick or treat-ers here, do you?"

"I don't think so, no." Mark would not know for sure though. Nothing about his front door – or anything inside his apartment – has ever indicated he would want to be disturbed on Halloween. "I'm assuming the kids who live in the building probably go somewhere between Park and Lex." He feels a stab of regret. Of course something like this would matter to Addison. She loves holidays. He can picture the brownstone at this time of year. She and Derek did not go all out for Halloween – not like some of the row houses near theirs that have enough decorations and draw enough of a crowd that Mark knows certain access ways on Central Park West get shut down for the night – but there were still enough pumpkins and festive decorations on Addison and Derek's stoop and handrails that costumed kids would come bounding up the steps to their door each Halloween.

I took things from her when she decided to be with me, Mark told Olivia once, words shredded with ruefulness. It wasn't just her husband…I took practically everything about the life she had. Like, holiday traditions. Stuff like that.

"There's that family who just moved in a few doors down. Remember I was telling you about them? They have two little kids. I could…I could maybe bring them a little something before they go out for the night."

"Red…" he can see a single tear caught in the space between her nose and right eye.

"It's okay." She rolls to her other side. "I'm just gonna go back to sleep. You should get ready."

. .
. .

"Sorry about that." Addison makes her tone sound sing-song cheery and relaxed when she returns to the kitchen. "I was talking with someone I used to work with. His wife is pregnant with twins, and I'm going to be her doctor." She peers across the table at Mark as she takes her seat; it is enough information to give him a hint of what is going on, since she does not want to discuss it openly in front of the girls. "What did I miss?" She hates how Stepford wife-ish and fake she sounds, even though being back in the presence of her favorite people brings her some comfort. This is where Addison wants to be. In front of her, there are puzzle pieces still scattered everywhere. Some put together, but most not. Broken and whole. She knows there must be some sort of metaphor in there for this unexpected turn of events.

Clara and Ruby start giggling at her question, and Addison raises an eyebrow. Both girls are staring at their plates, refusing to meet her eyes. "Well." She grins broadly. "It seems like I did miss something." She looks at Mark first, but he just offers her a neutral-faced shrug, so she turns her attention to Ruby next, who will surely crack.

"Hey, Ruby Jo…tell me what's goin' on."

"Nothing," Ruby chirps out, making a "ttt" sound through her teeth that sometimes comes out when she laughs. "Mommy…" she points at Addison's plate. "Mommy, aren't you going to eat your dinner?"

"Wow. My goodness." Addison glances at down at her plate. The chicken and roasted potatoes are barely visible beneath the extra helpings of carrots and asparagus that she knows did not originate on her plate. "Well," she says, as her girls laugh harder, delighted with their prank. "That is a lot of vegetables."

"Okay." Mark is quickly back on his feet and at Addison's end of the table. He takes her plate, and tips some vegetables back onto Clara and Ruby's plates. "You've had your fun," he adds when both girls grimace. "Now, come on. Orange and green foods are good for you. They help you see better and they make you stronger."

The rest of their evening with the girls is perfectly ordinary. More play time, then bath time, then a little more play time, followed by a bedtime routine that is lacking in excuses because Clara and Ruby are too tired from this weekend's events to indulge in any of their usual "just a few more minutes" acts. The only disruption in ordinary is when Addison briefly retreats to the office. She trades a few more snippets in a quiet voice with Mark after the girls have had their bath – enough that he understands what led to the phone call, and what Derek and Meredith need his wife's help with – but it is not until they are getting ready for bed themselves that they finally have the chance to talk about it.

"They're figuring out their flight stuff. I can't imagine they'll have any difficulty booking a red-eye though…and if not, they'll get something for tomorrow morning. Derek is going to text me once their plans are in place – I'm sure it will be like any minute now – and then from there, I'll be able to tell him what time to come to the office," Addison informs Mark while she finishes rubbing moisturizer on her arms and elbows. He is already in bed, propped up against the headboard. The slow movement of Addison's hands gliding over her skin is a noticeable contrast to how speedily her words are being delivered. "Luckily my schedule is wide open since we're off…so I'll see them at some point tomorrow. And then I'll have her in the OR the next day. It all has to happen pretty quickly, given the circumstances with the twins. Basically the abnormal blood vessel connections make it so that blood can't flow evenly between the babies, and when that happens, one baby ends up donating blood to the other one. The donor becomes dehydrated, and can experience slower-than-normal growth – which is definitely the case here from what I've seen, because Baby A is measuring smaller than Baby B…like a fifteen-day discordance in size. And the other twin is now at an increased risk of heart failure because of the extra volume of blood she's receiving. Doing nothing when TTTS progresses…" she stops there, knowing it is enough information for Mark to complete the thought.

"You said they're both girls?"

"Yes. TTTS only happens in cases with identical twins."

"Right. That makes sense. I wonder what it says about us that we only make girls…" Mark trails off apprehensively. The thought initially entertained him, but he realizes he probably shouldn't think of it that way. There is no us with him and Derek. Not anymore. "C'mere." He pats the space in front of him, and Addison shuffles between his stretched-out legs. He would have offered to rub her shoulders anyway, after time spent in Connecticut, in the same way she would have looked for additional ways to offer him support if they had just returned from his dad's place. These trips to Greenwich, to Syracuse – they are really for Clara and Ruby, not for them. And now, after all this, Addison's muscles are more knotted up than ever.

"I don't know if you remember…" she begins quietly. "But when Richard Webber called me and asked if I could come out to Seattle and treat his patient – you know, around the time we found out I was pregnant with Clara – the patient actually had TTTS. Long-term foreshadowing at its best, apparently."

"I remember it had something to do with twins, but that's really all I remember. I was listening, back then, when you talked about it, but I think blood was also rushing in my ears whenever you did, because I didn't want you to leave." He circles his arms around Addison's waist when she leans back against his chest. "Hey, Addie? Why was…why was Derek's name like that in your phone? Like…like a cartoon word bubble, kind of." Zzz Derek. That was what Mark saw on the screen when she showed him one of her missed calls before fleeing the kitchen.

"Oh, right. My 'z' additions." Addison is faintly embarrassed when she explains, "I didn't want to delete Derek from my contacts, but I also…I also didn't want to see him in my contacts if I had to scroll through them. So moving him to the end of the alphabet sort of helped with that. I know it's weird."

"It's not. And I guess for me…apparently I have enough A, B, and C people that I never see him right away if I open my contacts. It's probably just that way because Savvy is still ADA Jacobs-Levin in my phone." He smiles when he hears Addison let out a short, choppy laugh at this.

"That's Executive ADAand Chief of the Trial Division Jacobs-Levin to you, bud. This week though…you and the girls can still head up to Westhampton without me and -"

"Addison." Mark shakes his head as he cuts her off. "Absolutely not. We'll figure something else out." Clara and Ruby know they are planning to take a trip to the Hamptons soon, but as usual, they have not gone into the specifics of the itinerary. They have learned as surgeons that it is best to not share departure dates too far in advance. "You nervous?" He asks quietly. "To see him again?"

"Yeah, I am. But this time, at least…this time I have power over the situation, because they need me to help them." Addison cringes. "God, I know how awful that sounds, but -"

"I get what you mean." He touches his lips to the side of her head. "Just remember though…everything is going to be okay. It'll be okay."

It is the core of hope that has gotten them here.

Addison twists around in his arms. "Everything is okay, Mark." She gives him a reassuring smile. "This is just…an odd little bump in the 'everything is okay' road. But everything is still okay."

. .
. .

Seven Years Earlier

Addison is still awake – eyes exhaustion-filled, but open – when Mark returns to the bedroom. He rushed through his morning routine, shortening the length of time in the shower and not bothering to put anything in his stomach other than coffee so that he can have ample time to check in with Addison before he has to leave. And time to convince her to come with him, hopefully.

Mark sits down on the edge of the bed. "Hey…" he drops a hand onto her blanket-shrouded thigh. "You sure you don't want to come with me?"

"I'm sure."

"There's still plenty of time. And you don't have to get dressed up or anything. I don't have to leave just yet, so you could -"

"Stop babying me," she snarls, words harsh enough that Mark nearly recoils.

"I'm not…I'm not babying you, Addison. I'm just…loving you." It sounds so stupid – and overly-saccharine – but he cannot help it. He feels vaguely wounded by her accusation.

"Sorry." Addison's eyes are brighter now. "I know that you're not…you're not trying to…" her lips crumple and part open, and tears follow. If Addison were not so upset, she would probably be able to laugh at the irony of having just proclaimed that she does not want to be treated like a baby. "I'm sorry," she chokes out again, her sobs anxious and pitchy.

"Addison…I don't have to go until seven fifteen. Is it okay if I stay with you for right now?" Mark cannot imagine it would be a no from her at this point, but he wants to tread carefully, given her initial reaction. She reaches out for him immediately, arms trembling when she starts crying harder. Mark settles in beside her and gathers her close. He hugs her against him, and tries to express words of comfort while she cries. He can feel her breath travel over his throat when she mutters another sorry.

"Don't be. It's all right." In this circumstance, he knows it is more about Addison snapping at him than it is apologizing for her emotional state, but there is still some overlap. "You don't need to be sorry. Listen, it's not like I thought…it's not like I thought you'd sign the papers and everything would be perfect once that was done. This is a really sad thing, and you're allowed to be sad and show that you're sad. Although…you did a pretty good job yesterday of at least not apologizing for crying."

"I know." Addison pats sheepishly at her eyes. "I know it's okay to cry. I just…I think I need to special order a thicker skin, or something."

"No, you don't. Your skin is perfect."

"Okay, Buffalo Bill."

Mark pulls away, just enough so that he can see her face again. He guides his knuckles along one of her wet cheeks, and waits until she is a little calmer before he speaks again. "I'm not trying to baby you," he tells her gently. "I just hate leaving when you're hurting this much and…questioning the quality of your skin. I feel bad I have to go in when I'd rather -"

"I know you want to be here with me," she interrupts. "But it won't be that long, and I'll be fine. I promise I'll be fine. You have to see your patients. Their breasts need you, Mark."

"It's actually just one pair today, and then a consultation on a deviated septum – and not the Hollywood version of a deviated septum, but a real one. I appreciate the support though." He rubs a hand over Addison's stomach, and she burrows closer in response. "And I know you'll be fine…but is there anything I can get for you guys while I'm out?"

"Well, since you asked…we're out of peanut butter."

"I can get some. Anything else?"

Addison is able to emit a pleased smile at this. "Nope. The only thing I'll need for the peanut butter is a spoon, and we have plenty of those."

. .
. .

Gradually and then suddenly. It has been so many things for Addison, and for Mark, and with that in mind, it makes sense to her that this is what the arrival of her ex-husband and his wife would feel like. The pace of Monday morning was leisurely, at first. Peaceful, even. She emailed her colleagues as she soon as she was awake to explain that she would not, in fact, be on vacation this week as planned, and would instead be arriving in the office later this morning in preparation for an eleven o'clock appointment, but otherwise the first half of her morning felt calm. The girls were up early – frustratingly early in the way that little ones often are – but they played nicely together, and were sweet and affectionate, which gave Addison some time to sit on the couch with Mark and enjoy their coffee, and marvel over these beautiful creatures they made together.

The process of getting ready was also gradual, and Addison appreciated that Mark's comment when she returned to the kitchen was a simple, "You look nice," which made it no different than any other ordinary morning when he might share this with her. Surely he noticed how much longer it took her to go through her routine though, and Addison felt a little ashamed of herself for caring so much…there was the extra time she spent primping, and then combing through her wardrobe to find the most flattering item she could. She curled her hair, and applied her makeup more carefully than she typically does, and also utilized a bit more eyeliner. She ultimately decided on a dark blue dress that fell a little below her knees and hugged her curves in all the right places, and cinched it with a thin, shiny black belt.

And once Addison was dressed and had stepped into a pair of black heels that Mark once referred to as her "kicking ass and taking names shoes," that was when suddenly set in motion. Suddenly she needed to grab her things, suddenly she needed to leave if she wanted to arrive at the practice in advance of Derek and Meredith, suddenly her cab had pulled up in front of her office building on the Upper West Side, and suddenly, her eleven o'clock appointment was almost here.

Addison thinks longingly now of her daughters and husband as she hovers in the hallway nearest to the reception area, craving nothing more than being back home with them. She said goodbye to Clara and Ruby first, and then Mark walked her to the door. He murmured reassuring words, and then gave her a quick kiss that reminded her of the exchange they shared before she walked into a building on Lexington and signed away her first marriage.

"Just so you know…there's history between me and the patient and the patient's husband," Addison explains to Noelle, who is her favorite nurse at Premier Women's Health and Wellness, and will be assisting her today. Noelle is excellent with her patients and impeccably professional in their presence, but the two women have worked together long enough now that Noelle feels comfortable being herself around Addison, and Addison finds herself grateful for this, especially on a day like today. Her phone vibrates, and she looks down to see a text from Derek: Two blocks away. "Primarily…well, primarily with the patient's husband," she shares, and then gestures for Noelle to follow her into the reception area. "He's actually my ex-husband. It should be fine, but the ending was kind of messy, and…people got hurt."

"Okay." Noelle seems mostly unfazed by this information. "So if the general vibe is weird as fuck…that's why?"

"If the general vibe is weird as fuck…that is exactly why."

Addison thinks fleetingly of the picture Savvy showed her after her trip to Seattle. Derek, with his slightly grayer hair and thinner face. Meredith, with her light blue eyes, rounded chin, and waves in her hair. When the door to their practice opens though, of all the things Addison thought she would see, she did not expect to find a child cradled in Derek's arms. A little boy – around two years old is her guess – is asleep on Derek's shoulder. A son. They have a son. Addison is not sure why she had not considered that maybe the twins are not their first children. And as for all the ways in which she did not need an actual visual to confirm this…well. She is vaguely horrified about that part; she read the available notes from Meredith's OB so carefully. Surely the fact that this was Meredith's second pregnancy was mentioned somewhere…did Addison somehow miss the G2 listing, or did she read it and then immediately block that information out?

It throws her, for a moment, but then she recovers.

"Meredith?" Addison greets her first, although she thinks it was undoubtedly obvious that she was gaping at Derek and the dark-haired boy before that. "Hi." She holds her hand out, and offers what she hopes is a friendly, welcoming smile. "I'm Dr. Montgomery. It's nice to meet you."

Meredith takes her hand. "It's nice to meet you, too," she says, voice a little raspier than Addison was expecting. "Thanks for seeing us." She draws her hand back and rests it on the swell of her stomach.

"Derek," Addison acknowledges, and he repeats her name in the same hushed, somber tone. She had been uneasy about what greeting him might look like, and what she should do, or if she should wait for him to do something first, but it turns out, there is nothing either of them can do. Not when Derek's arms are occupied with keeping his dozing son supported. "This is Noelle." Addison indicates the woman next to her, and while Noelle says hello to Derek and Meredith, she decides she will have to ask the nurse later if the general vibe was noticeably weird as fuck right off the bat. "Noelle is going to take you back to the exam room, and get your vitals, and ask you some questions…you know the drill. And then I'll join you in a few minutes."

Take a breath, Addison reminds herself.

. .
. .

Seven Years Earlier

Mark hears Addison call out a soft greeting when he opens the front door. He finds her on the couch, a blanket draped loosely over her legs while she pages through some kind of fashion magazine. When she looks at him – specifically, at his empty hands – he almost chuckles. Apparently, this is not the sort of pregnancy food craving he can mess around with.

"I know." He sits down beside her. "I'm going to get the peanut butter, I swear. You know how crowded that bodega gets around lunchtime though, so I thought I would stop home first…" he hesitates, wanting to be mindful of his word selection.

"To do a loving-not-babying check on me?" Addison offers him an unexpectedly bright smile. "I get it. I still want peanut butter, but thank you, for coming to see me first. That was thoughtful of you." She swallows, as it brings back a memory she was not anticipating she would have to revisit. What a thoughtful whore you are. "He…" her throat is instantly thick, words water-strangled. "I'm going to start crying," she warns, holding her hands over her face as tears begin to fall. She lets out a sad, mewling sob. Mark tugs at her waist until she is resting in his lap.

"And you know that's okay." He tucks the blanket back around her. "And therefore you don't need to feel guilty or apologize for it. What were you going to say? 'He' what?"

"He…" she takes an unsteady breath. "He called me a whore."

"Yesterday?"

"No. In July…it was when I called Derek and told him the truth. Do you remember? I called him while you were out, like at the gym or something, and I…I told you about it later?"

Mark nods, though they both know she was not particularly share-happy when she talked about it. Addison let him know that she told Derek the truth, and she reported it had not – understandably – been an easy call, either for the speaker or the listener, but Mark was left to fill in his own conclusions about what Derek's responses were like.

"And now it just…now I'm thinking about it, and apparently now it's h-hurting…hurting my feelings." Addison makes a deep, croaking noise when she inhales, and it knocks too close to the border of hyperventilating for Mark's comfort. "Maybe I deserved it, but I acted like…I tried to act like the phone call sucked but it wasn't too bad, but the truth is, it was that bad. It w-was fucking awful. Mark, I…I just…"

"I've got you." Mark makes a soft shushing noise and guides her head to his chest. "Take a breath, bunny. Take some slow breaths, and then we can talk about it some more. There…there you go." He nods when he can both feel and hear the way Addison has been dragging in air become less frenzied. "Keep doing that." His hand moves over her hair in short strokes, in time with the rhythm of her exhales. "And…sorry," he adds once Addison has gone slack in his embrace. "I know the 'bunny' thing is really cheesy…and embarrassing for me. This is what you've done to me." He presses his lips to her hairline when she giggles. "You've made me very cheesy and embarrassing."

"It's cute cheesy," Addison corrects, still sniffling a little. "And better than your original suggestion that I'm a gopher. I like it, actually. It's something that's just…just ours." She adjusts her head so that she can press a lingering kiss against his shoulder. "I'm feeling a little better. I might just…I might stay like this for a bit longer though."

"Stay as long as you need. Hey…you're still allowed to cry, but we gotta do what we can to make sure it doesn't turn into anything beyond that, okay?" Mark watches her nod solemnly. "I'm sorry though, for how hard that call must have been for you. Both to share all that with him, and to…experience his reaction."

I'm so sorry, Derek. For all of it. I'm truly, deeply sorry. I'm just trying to be honest with you. I want to be honest with you, even though I know I should have been honest a long time ago, when it first started. Addison was standing alone in the kitchen and feeling so utterly vulnerable as the truth of everything from last October and onward spilled from her lips. Well, thanks, Derek had snapped back, just shy of yelling. Thanks for your honesty, Addison. What a thoughtful whore you are. You and Mark…real class acts, the both of you.

Mark cradles her cheek in one of his hands. "You are not a whore, Addison." He is close enough that he can still see tears clinging to her eyelashes.

"What else would you call someone who cheated on her husband?"

"Someone who…who did a bad thing. We aren't bad people. We just did a really bad thing. For a bad, long stretch of time. That's what I think, at least. And you're…you're honestly the kindest person I've ever met. And I just feel like, in the same way everything is going to be okay for us, everything is going to be okay for him, too. Maybe it already is okay, aside from yesterday being rough for both of you. And the thing is, Derek made his choices, long before you filed: to move, to stay out there, to meet someone else, to say in more than one phone call he didn't want to work it out with you. And I know we drove him to make choices like that, to make him feel like those were choices available to him, but…still. Those were his choices. Don't let his words – the cruel ones – stick with you." He nudges her shoulder. "Okay?"

"Okay," she confirms. "I want you to stay with me right now, but I still…I still really do want peanut butter. That's going to happen, right?"

Mark kisses her cheek. "I promise that's going to happen."

. .
. .

"Your son is beautiful." Addison cannot help sharing this when she approaches the side of the exam table Meredith is situated on. It is the first thing out of her mouth, other than a hasty give me one second when she entered the room and scanned the numbers and comments on the chart Noelle handed off to her on her way out.

The son in question is currently stretched out along two backless, connected leather chairs a few feet from the end of the exam table. Derek has eschewed the remaining single chair next to the storage area in favor of standing by Meredith's shoulder, on the opposite side from Addison and the ultrasound machine. The son is a beautiful boy – just stunning, really, to the point that it is difficult for Addison to want to look away. His hair is a pile of dark curls that look silky-soft, and his eyelashes are long enough that they hover on his cheeks during slumber. He looks so much like Derek, both now, and in all those baby and toddler pictures Addison can remember seeing. He also looks – even with some of his features hidden thanks to a small blanket he has circled a fist around and drawn near his face – well-rested. In contrast, Meredith and Derek appear rumple-clothed and exhausted in a way that goes beyond having just gotten off a plane a few hours ago.

"Thank you," Meredith says, straightening a little at the compliment. "His name is Theo," she shares. "Theo Christopher."

Addison feels that Meredith's gaze is telling when she meets her eyes. Christopher. Derek's middle name. His father's name. From another perspective – one where Addison could be pettier, meaner, on the defensive – it would have felt like Meredith was marking her territory by sharing that extra piece of information. But in this circumstance, it feels like some sort of peace offering, as though it is okay that Addison has the past, and that Meredith has the present and future.

Christopher. If she and Derek had a son, that would have been his name without question. Addison understood how important it was to Derek to honor his father in some way, and she liked how strong and classic a choice it was. She was absolutely certain their first child would be a boy, which made the fact that Derek did not like the same girls' names as she did something of not much concern. Plus, Addison figured when the time came – and of course, it didn't come – they would find a compromise, which was helped by the fact that she liked most of the names Derek brought up, even though there were ones on the in-her-head list she liked better. It has been so many years, but she can still recall what Derek liked most: Hannah, Rachel, Emma, Julia. She wonders if any of those are being considered for Baby A and Baby B.

"That's a nice name," Addison says to Meredith. "How old is he?"

"He'll be two in November."

"Oh, really? What day? My younger one was born in November." She says it so quickly that she does not pause to consider that Derek probably does not want to hear anything about her children. It is such a parent question though – maybe even just a person question – when you find out that someone shares your child's birth month.

"The eighteenth." Meredith pauses for a moment, and then reciprocates. "What about yours?"

"Ruby is the third," she answers quietly.

Meredith nods. "I never really put much stock in astrological signs and horoscopes, but raising a Scorpio…" she grins faintly. "It's something else."

"I definitely agree." It is enough to make Addison chuckle. Whether it is astrology-influenced or not, raising Ruby is absolutely something else. "So…I've looked over everything available to me, and I exchanged a few emails with Bryce Abrams last night – we know each other from having attended a lot of the same conferences – so I'm up to speed. Given how recently your specialized images were taken, we can go ahead and just do a nice, basic ultrasound today." Addison reaches for the gel bottle on the tray table, but as she does, she sees Meredith's eyes lower. "Or…do you need another minute, before we get started?"

"No." Meredith takes a deep breath and looks at her again. "I'm ready. You know, I wasn't…" she hesitates, which is enough to make Addison not proceed just yet. "When I was pregnant with Theo," she continues, "it wasn't really a 'love at first sight' thing when I saw him on the ultrasound monitor. Even when we could finally make out ten fingers, and when we knew he was a he, and when he started kicking…I cared, of course, and I wanted him to be healthy, but as far as having a connection, that feeling of magic or love lighting up your life or whatever…it wasn't really there during the pregnancy. I felt that love and connection after he was born, but it still…took a minute, even after he arrived." Meredith turns and offers Derek a warm look before she focuses on Addison again. "It was more instantaneous for Derek."

"That can happen," Addison acknowledges, voice carved with compassion. "It happens to a lot of women, and it's not a reflection of who you are as a person, or what kind of mother you'll be. I felt that way with my first one, for a bit." God, shut up. It is not the first time Addison has said it. It might have only been a two to three-week window where she struggled after finding out she was pregnant with Clara, so it feels disingenuous in a way, compared to the experience of many new mothers and mothers-to-be, but the truth is she did struggle – no matter how all-consuming the love that followed was. And in Addison's experience, sharing this has seemed to comfort some of her patients who have made disclosures similar to Meredith's. Hearing you are not the only one is sometimes more powerful than just being told you are not the only one. In this context though, with Derek and Meredith, it is something Addison thinks she probably did not need to reveal. "Has it…been like that for you this time around with the twins?"

"Kind of." Meredith shifts on the exam table. "I think it's different in the sense that once I felt 'it' with Theo, I knew what it was and could be like. What it would be like." She lies back and pulls up her shirt, which serves as confirmation for Addison that she is ready. "So that sort of put me at ease, in a way. It's just…we weren't expecting there to be two heartbeats. That was a shock. So it…it took some time to adjust to that. I think I was still adjusting, honestly, and then we found out the babies are basically trying to kill each other in there, and now everything…yeah."

"I feel like it's safe to assume that when most parents realize they're having multiples, 'How are we going to do this?' is a more common first thought than over-the-moon happiness," Addison says as she applies the ultrasound gel over the slope of Meredith's stomach and pelvic area. "You understand though that…whatever you were feeling when you found out there were two, and whatever you're feeling now…that's not why this happened. You know that, right?"

"I do." Meredith bobs her head. "But, thank you, for saying it." She turns towards the display screen. "When I think about the twins, it's mostly in relation to their brother, actually. I have this vision that a year from now, I'll be telling Theo to stop poking his little sisters." She smiles, and Addison returns her smile.

"We're just going to look for a bit before we get into the particulars." Addison moves the transducer slowly, allowing Meredith and Derek a few minutes to look at the babies, one at a time. "They're beautiful." She sets the transducer aside and then hands Meredith a few wipes for the excess gel. "For next steps…I know by now you've heard ad nauseam how each twin is doing, and what needs to happen so that we can keep both babies safe and keep them growing, so I'll try to be concise. As you know, we need to cauterize the abnormal placental vessels so your babies can develop independently from each other, which should resolve the problems and allow Baby A to catch up to her sister in size. In order to do this, I'll make a small incision in your abdomen, Meredith, and insert a fetoscope into your uterus. I'll use the scope to examine your placenta and map out the blood vessel connections. You'll be given IV sedation and local anesthesia for the procedure. And once I've identified the connected vessels, I'll insert a tiny fiber laser into the scope, and use it to disconnect them. Then I'll drain the excess amniotic fluid – and that'll help with the extra bloating you've been experiencing lately. And then…that's it. You'll be given medicine to prevent uterine contractions, and be wheeled to a recovery room for a bit so we can monitor you before we bring you up to a regular patient room. You'll stay there until the following day, and then you're free to go back to your hotel and just take it easy there. We'll schedule a follow-up for five days out so that I can do another ultrasound and fetal echo. And then if everything is all good, you three will go back home. Your OB will monitor you closely, and will keep me in the loop. And Dr. Abrams and his team will be right there, if your needs become more…immediate. I spoke with Dr. Patel – her name is Nina…she's the Chief of Surgery at NYP. We're on the board for ten tomorrow. My receptionist will give you all the pre-op information you need – nothing you don't already know though – and that will include what time you need to check in. So." Addison clears her throat. "How you doing with all that?"

"Doing okay," Meredith replies. "I don't have any questions about the procedure or the prep stuff. For the follow-up though, do we come here for that, or does it take place at the hospital? I wonder if…" Meredith keeps speaking, not waiting for Addison to answer. "Maybe two Sagittarius babies is easier than one Scorpio baby…but I know twins usually don't hang around for forty weeks. And I know with how things currently are…" she shrugs uncomfortably, and Addison understands. Separating the blood vessels is the part within their control. Not much else is.

"Your OB will do everything she can to get you as close to your December fifteenth due date as possible. Most babies who are successfully treated for this live normal, healthy lives. And your babies…this isn't an ideal situation, but they look like fighters. I'm not at the point where I'm worried about them. We'll just need to keep a close eye on their development for the rest of your pregnancy. And you'll come to this office for your follow-up, but if you need anything…the beauty of group practice is that house calls are not out of the question, so if anything comes up that isn't necessarily a go-to-the-hospital-first situation, I can come to you guys. And you have my contact information, of course, if anything comes up. And you'll need to take it easy. Hopefully your hotel is comfortable?"

"For what we're paying, it better be," Meredith jokes. "It's off First and…something. Close to the hospital where you'll do the procedure." She shrugs when Derek murmurs the cross street and the name of the hotel to Addison. "But, yes, I think so. It's a two-bedroom that has a kitchen and enough space for Theo to run around. And for Derek to run around after him since I -"

"Since you will not be running just yet," Addison finishes with a thin smile. "You'll experience mild discomfort after the procedure, but it won't last too long. You'll definitely need to decrease your activity through the remainder of the pregnancy…with any sort of fetal surgery, you're at increased risk of pre-term labor and delivery. Your OB will keep a close eye on you though, and she can consult with me if she needs to."

"Addison…" Derek clears his throat. "Will I be allowed to watch from the gallery?" From his tone, she recognizes that he is not asking for general permission – as in the hospital's permission – but her permission.

"Yeah, you can. That's fine. Have you thought about childcare though? It's a short procedure – usually no more than a half hour once I'm in there, but afterwards…" Addison can feel regret hanging over her features as she looks at Theo. "Nina won't let him in the post-op room while Meredith's sedation is wearing off, let alone in the gallery." She studies Derek closer. Nina will not want him in there either, honestly, given his closeness to the situation. "And getting you -"

"I know she won't like me observing either," Derek says, finishing her thought. "I was hoping to try to gently reason with her though, as someone who used to do a lot of work there, and just…try to do some sort of charm thing if I have to." Addison hears Meredith mutter something that sounds like dreamy, in a sarcastic tone. "I just…I have to be able to watch, if I can, and be with her afterwards. But we didn't…we really didn't think about the childcare aspect." His cheeks are flushing a little. "Like…at all. We just grabbed Theo and left." Addison nods without judgment. They absolutely love Paulina – their nanny is a part of their family, really – but she and Mark still would not want to be separated from their children during a crisis. "The hospital still has a daycare program though, right?"

"They do, but they're usually at capacity during the summer, and I…I know they are right now." Addison sighs. "We called about our kids this morning and asked about their availability for the week because our nanny is off and our plans were…well, we wanted to see if they could fit them in at all this week, just for a few hours here and there if we needed to, but they said they were at capacity, and there was a waitlist." She watches Meredith and Derek exchange a concerned look. "I can give you their number and you can you call just in case something has changed. If nothing has changed though, and you wanted to keep Theo occupied while on hospital grounds, NYP has a few family rooms outside of the peds unit and outside of the ICU, so maybe you could utilize one of those. I'm sure Nina would be fine with reserving one for you. The rooms are really nice, and they usually have a decent toy collection in them."

Meredith voices what they are all thinking: "That does sound nice, but the problem is that Derek can't be in two places at once. So, Derek, honestly, I'll be fine." She shakes her head at him, but his eyes are wide with concern. "There's no other option; someone has to be with our son. So, stay with him in one of the family rooms, and I'll see you guys once I'm brought back up to a regular patient room. I don't want -"

"There could be another option," Addison interrupts. "My husband is off this week. He could…he could help. He could bring my kids to one of the family rooms, and Theo could join them. They could have a play date. And that way Derek could be in the gallery, and be with you immediately afterwards, but he could also be close to Theo." It is another thing where it is out of Addison's mouth so fast that she barely has time to process it. She doesn't want to take it back though; there are so many situations in her life now where she would present an offer similar to this one to a parent who is in a bind, and from experience, she knows the parents of Clara and Ruby's friends do the same with her. But she does, of course, recognize how different this is. "Sorry." She shows them a tense smile. "I know that's a weird offer, given that…well. I know it's weird. It is an offer though, if you wanted to take us up on it. Theo would be in good hands with Mark, and I'm sure my girls would love to play with him. I can give you the contact info for the hospital daycare though, if you wanted to check in with them anyway."

"He'd probably do better in that sort of situation – something smaller – than a daycare anyway," Meredith says. "Especially since he won't know anyone. And this way…this way he'd still be close by, and you could go back-and-forth." She looks at Derek, who appears wary. "We don't have any other options, since we didn't think this through. So unless the daycare magically has an open spot, or Leslie – our nanny in Seattle -" she pauses and clarifies this for Addison. "Unless Leslie can suddenly drop everything and get here in the next twenty-four hours…which we know she can't…this is the option that's available to us. But, Dr. Montgomery -"

"Addison," she corrects, surprising herself. "Addison is fine."

"Addison," Meredith repeats. "You're…you're sure it wouldn't be an inconvenience though, for you or for your husband?"

"It's only going to be an inconvenience if Theo happens to think girls are icky."

"He doesn't. Not yet, at least. But…wait. Your childcare plans…" Meredith's eyebrows cinch together. "You said your husband was off this week, and when we were being taken back to the exam room, we passed by another doctor, and I heard him say something to you about not knowing you were here…you weren't planning to work today, were you? Did you guys have vacation plans, or something?"

"Yes." Addison knows she cannot craft some sort of different explanation in a two-second window. "But that's okay," she assures quickly when she sees Meredith's saddened expression. "We'll reschedule. We were just going to the beach. It wasn't anything like…grandiose, or anything we can't push out further. And you can get down, if you'd like. We're all done here."

"Thank you." Meredith's voice is a little smaller. "That was…thank you, for doing all this for us."

"You're welcome. If the situation was reversed, and it was…it was one of my kids…" Addison lifts her shoulders. "I feel like you guys would have been willing to help." She frames it more as a statement, but knows it could be a question, too.

"Yes," Meredith replies firmly. "We would have. Oh…he's waking up. Derek, can you…?"

Addison's gaze shifts towards Theo, who has suddenly careened upward, knife-straight and startled as he takes in his surroundings. Addison has to press her lips together so that she does not laugh at his reaction. It reminds her so much of Ruby at that age, who would wake up from a nap wide-eyed and frantic, as though she was both confused and offended that the world didn't just stop while she was asleep.

"Hi, buddy," Derek soothes as he kneels in front of Theo, who seems calmed by his presence. "It's okay. Uh, no…let's not. Not right now." Derek gently tugs down on the bottom of Theo's jungle animal-themed shirt when the little boy starts to try and lift it up over his rounded belly. "We're going to keep this on." Derek shoots Addison an apologetic glance, and in the curve of his lips and bared teeth, she realizes this is maybe the first time Derek has truly smiled at her today. "We're currently in the middle of the 'take all your clothes off' stage." He sets Theo's feet on the ground.

"I remember that one. It eventually passes." Addison completes a small wave of her hand in Theo's direction. He buries his face in Derek's shoulder in response, but she catches the twitch of his mouth first, showing a hint of a now hidden grin.

"I think it's also because of where we are…all exam rooms sort of look the same," Meredith adds. "He probably thinks we have a change of clothes for him. Sometimes when we bring him to Seattle Grace – where we work – we put him in this little pair of blue play scrubs that have Dr. Theo Shepherd embroidered on them. Yeah." She rolls her eyes in a self-deprecating way while scooting the rest of the way off the table. "We're those parents."

"I like that you're those parents," Addison says softly as Theo toddles past her on his way to Meredith. His arms are stretched out, and she picks him up as soon as he is close enough, hoisting him on a hip to accommodate the curve of her stomach.

"You guys should stay and talk." Meredith says this to Addison, but then she gives Derek a look that to Addison implies that they have talked about this. "I can take him…I saw there was an ice cream place like two doors down. I think that was going to be my next stop anyway. The humidity here…I guess you get used to it…" she pauses, and Addison finds herself sharing another smile with Derek. You don't, really. "Anyway," Meredith tacks on. "Theo, you want to come with Mommy and break all the rules and have ice cream for lunch? Or breakfast, really, given the time change. You're a lucky boy."

"Meredith?" Addison says. Apparently this is happening, whether she wants it to or not. She takes another quick glance at Derek – who is now sitting in one of the chairs Theo was previously sleeping on – before redirecting her attention to Meredith. "We won't be long, but if you need something else to do, if you go up a block towards 91st and then cross Central Park West, there's a playground there. Hippo Playground." Addison watches as Theo peers curiously at her upon hearing the word hippo. She grins when he points at the corresponding animal on his shirt – smart boy – and she wonders if her ex-husband's son feels as passionately about hippos as Clara felt about ducks at his age. "Technically, 'Safari Playground.' It has these cute hippo statues though, so that's why…" she shrugs lightly. "There's also a sprinkler feature, if you wanted to let him cool off a bit. Just stop at the front desk first. The receptionist will hand you a copy of your pre-op instructions, and some post-op information. But you have my number, and my email, so feel free to reach out if you have any questions."

"I will. Thanks." Meredith's attention is completely on Derek and Theo now, and that softness in her eyes – it is exactly how Addison looks at Mark, Clara, and Ruby. "Hey, Tee-Tee…you wanna get ice cream and then go see the hippos with Mommy? Daddy will meet up with us in a little bit."

. .
. .

Seven Years Earlier

Addison returns to the kitchen after taking a long, hot shower that has left her skin soft and her emotions soothed, and she feels a rush of happiness when she discovers what is waiting for her. The jar of peanut butter is there as promised – and bless him, he picked out a comically large jar, and bless him again, he already put a spoon out for her. The miniature orange pumpkin next to the peanut butter is a surprise though.

"You got me a pumpkin?" She asks softly as she drags a finger along one of it ribbed sides.

"I got you a pumpkin," Mark confirms. "They had a pretty decent selection at Fairway. A lot of sizes. I figured I'd start with an easy-to-carry one. But we can get more – a lot more – if you want. I don't know where you normally go…or how you…well…" he lifts a shoulder, uncertain. "It's just that I don't, you know, I don't -"

"Are you nervous right now, Mark Everett Sloan?"

"No." He starts to chuckle. "I'm just really awkward. I'm trying to say that I'm on board with however you want to decorate, and however much you want to decorate. This…all of this is going to be new for me. I've never been any good with the holiday stuff, but I want to learn, and I want to help, because I know holidays are important to you, and I'm sure Baby will love holidays, too. So whatever you want to do…I'm awkward and I'm on board."

"Thank you." Addison circles her arms around his neck. "I love my pumpkin. And I love you."

"And you love your jumbo-sized peanut butter."

"I also love my jumbo-sized peanut butter." Addison lifts her head to kiss the underside of his jawbone. This combination of gifts is somehow, even though it might seem silly, the kindest and most romantic thing she has ever received. "Everything's going to be okay," she adds.

"Yeah, it is." Mark knows she believes it, but this still feels significant to him, because he is usually the one who says it first. "Everything's going to be okay."

. .
. .

It is just the two of them. The hand circling the wall clock is the sole sound pumping through the exam room. It has only been seconds since Meredith and Theo left, but in the way that silence can often warp the line between perception and reality, it feels like so much longer. Addison has taken a seat in the single chair, which is diagonal from where Derek is seated. She changes the positioning of her crossed ankles, uncomfortable. She is about to ask him if he actually wants to do this, or if he is doing this because Meredith wants him to do this – and Addison is willing to offer him an out, if it is the latter – but her ex-husband speaks before she can. His voice is just a murmur when he states, "You've always been this way."

Addison studies him with some wariness. "What way?" It comes out more tentative-sounding than she would have liked.

"Incredibly kind," Derek says, words measured and soft. "Even when…even when it would be understandable if you weren't."

Did you honestly think I wouldn't be nice to you guys? Addison wants to retort, but instead she gathers every sliver of calmness she has at her disposal when she tells Derek, "Meredith Grey is a patient. And even if she wasn't, I have no reason to be unkind her, or unkind to you. And there is no reason for me not to help you. Is it…is it Grey though, or Grey-Shepherd? Her chart says 'Grey,' but…" Addison shrugs, not sure why it really matters to her.

"Just Grey. She kept her last name. We're planning to use Grey as one of the girls' middle names. We're having a tough time agreeing on names. And now…" Derek's shoulders jerk uneasily. "With all this…we'll probably just wait until we see their faces before we set the names in stone. Did you, uh…hyphenate again when you got remarried?"

"No. I stuck with Montgomery." That had been an easy decision. Clara was always going to be styled as Montgomery-Sloan, and so would any future children; they never considered any option other than that. I'm thinking about keeping my last name, she had shared with Mark a few days after he proposed. Not because I don't want yours. And realistically, I know I'm going to get called Mrs. Sloan a lot because you know the parents of our kids' future classmates will automatically assume you're the doctor in the family, not that we're both doctors. And I love that I get to be Mrs. Sloan, even if it's not on paper or on my lab coat. I love it. It's just that with the Clara – and our next one on the way – this way I'm a Montgomery and you're a Sloan, and together we have two Montgomery-Sloans. I like that, and I also like the idea that even though I have all this – everything I could ever want – I like the idea that 'Addison Montgomery' is enough…that who I am on my own is enough. So, would it bother you, if I didn't take your last name? And Mark shook his head. Keep Montgomery, he told her. It doesn't matter to me what your last name is. It just matters that you're my wife.

"And you have two girls," Derek continues. "Ruby, and then the older one is…Clara, right?" Addison's eyebrows rise up. The name of her younger daughter slipped out during Meredith's appointment – when they were talking about their November babies – but Clara's name did not. "Amelia," Derek says, answering her unvoiced question. "She came out to Seattle when…well, it was the summer after I moved there, so I guess Clara would have been a few months old then. And I asked about…the baby. She told me it was a girl named Clara, and she was healthy, but if I wanted to know more than that, I'd have to ask you myself." Derek grins. "So, my littlest sister does have a filter, it turns out. It's just a selective one. And then when I was at Nancy's place a few Christmases ago," Derek adds, "Amelia told me you guys had gotten married and that you had a second kid. I mean, it's not like…" he closes his eyes briefly. "I was angry at you both, and maybe on some level I hated you both, for what you did, but it's not like…it's not like I actually wished you ill will, or for…" he cringes. "For something bad to happen, you know?"

"I know. And I know that we hurt you beyond words."

"There were a lot of words in your letter though."

Addison's head cocks to the side. "You read the letter I sent?"

"I did. I wanted to throw it away when I got it and saw what it was, to be honest, but Meredith convinced me not to. She said even though I didn't want to read it then, I might change my mind one day. I read it about a year after the divorce was finalized, once I was a glass and-a-half of scotch deep. And I…I thought about reaching out. Not just because of that…I thought about it a couple of times over the years. It's not like either of you stopped existing or meaning something to me…but I'd made a new life, and the further I got away from my old life, it sort of felt easier to just…to keep things tangle-free. My life in Seattle was everything I didn't know I needed, and once I had that, it was – not right away, but eventually – eventually like I didn't have any space left to stay angry or resentful over what had happened. Especially because what happened is the very reason I have Meredith, and Theo, and…and the girls." Derek leans forward. "And I know that…you were right, about the things you said in the letter. I was absent and indifferent in the last few years of our marriage. I was doing the bare minimum as a husband. And, that night." He shakes his head woefully. "I'm not proud of how I reacted. It felt like I was having an out-of-body experience, but I still…it's not excusable. You know, a few months ago, I shut the door on Theo. Not in a mean way," he says quickly. "We were all in our bedroom, and I went to use the attached bathroom, and I shut the door, and Theo started crying because I dared to not let him hang out with me when I was trying to pee – you know how toddlers are. And I know it's not the same thing, but it did…it did make me think of you, for some reason, when it happened. So, I am sorry for how I reacted that night, Addison, and for how scary it was for you."

"Thank you," she says hoarsely. "And I'm sorry that you had to find -"

"There were also things I could have -" Derek stops, realizing he has cut her off. She gestures for him to continue. "I could have been more gracious about the divorce stuff, no matter what the catalyst for the divorce was. The real estate…like, leaving you to have to handle all that. Thank you, for going through everything, and sending my stuff, because a lesser person might have just burned it all. That was too much to stick you with though. It was mean."

"I definitely had 'lesser person' thoughts sometimes," Addison reveals, "but I tried not to give into those. You were right though, to be angry with me, and even though I thought you were selfish and cruel for leaving me both properties, I think even then I understood on some level that it wasn't just cruelty or indifference, or an area in between the two. I can understand why you would have wanted a clean break from everything that tied you to New York." Addison is not sure how much to apologize for right now, if each blended stroke on the canvas of her marital indiscretions and mistakes needs to be verbalized. She felt like she said everything she needed to say in the letter, and surely the guilt that lasted for such a long time – for both her and Mark – was a penance all its own. "And I…it's nothing I haven't already said either verbally or in writing, but I am sorry, Derek. For…for so many things. I really am. And all the things I put in writing to you, if you want me to say them out loud, I can." She sees him shake his head. "Okay," she says, regrouping. "And I just…I know that me being pregnant, and having to tell you that over the phone…and then you having to come back here to sign the papers and see the two of us together, when I was showing…I know none of that helped."

"When I saw you both in the courtyard…you talked about it in your letter, but it felt like in that moment that he was trying to rub it in my face – that's what it felt like to me when you guys were sitting together and he was holding your hand. And I know the pregnancy wasn't planned, but there was this element to it that just…it was like you'd have his baby, but not mine. I know." Derek shakes his head again. "I know that's not really what it was. The houses…did you end up selling? You mentioned the beach to Meredith, so I figured you kept the Montauk home."

"I sold both. The Montauk one went quickly – you know how those vacation homes get snapped up – and then the brownstone sold about two years after our divorce was finalized. The beach in question though…that is Hamptons-related. We have a place in Westhampton."

"Ah. And the four of you are at…are you still at his apartment?"

"No. We're in a duplex off Park and East 76th…which isn't too far from the old apartment, really. And it's technically six of us, because of the fish." Addison feels a little silly for sharing this extra detail. "Goldie and Moonbean."

"Wait…Moonbeam or Moonbean?"

"Bean. There are approximately fifty-seven battles to choose from when it comes to raising Ruby, so trying to convince her she's saying it wrong is just something I've had to let go of."

"Why Ruby? I like the name," Derek adds hastily. "I was just wondering. I don't hear that one often."

"Maybe it doesn't have as much traction in Seattle yet," Addison shares. "I've definitely yelled her name at the playground before and she hasn't been the only one to turn her head. Her name just…there's no story behind it, not really. It wasn't even a name on my list, but we were talking about names one night, and for some reason I threw that one out there, and then Clara started repeating it…although it sounded more like 'roo-wee' at the time." She smiles at the memory of little Clara happily smearing her dinner around her tray and whispering roo-wee under her breath in between bites. "And that was it for us. She was Ruby or Roo-Wee from that moment on. Her middle name is Josephine though," she adds, and when Derek grins, she knows that he picked up on the literary reference.

"It's a nice name," he concludes. "Like I said, we haven't settled on anything other than 'Grey' as the middle name for one, but we both like Mia. Although of course you know if we do that, Amelia is going to think one of the babies is named after her or something, since Mia can be a nickname for Amelia."

"Yes, she definitely will think that. Derek…can I ask you a question?" She takes a deep, courage-gathering breath. Maybe she shouldn't do this. Their current conversation is going well. But then, maybe forging ahead is what Addison is meant to do. There were so, so many times when she retreated into herself throughout her first marriage – or didn't feel comfortable expressing the full extent of her feelings – and now therapy, Mark, motherhood, and a personal resilience she never felt in her thirties have perhaps led her to this very moment. "And you can be honest," she adds. "It won't…I'm not trying to stir the pot or anything. I just have to know. So I'm asking you…" she lightly touches her chest. "Were you still in love with me, at the end of the marriage, before you caught me with Mark? I just…I need to know. Please."

"Okay. I loved you…" he begins, and then Addison knows for sure what is coming next. "But I don't think I was in love with you in the last two or so years of the marriage, no…or at least not as in love with you as I was when I married you. I wasn't as in love with you as I was supposed to be. And I'm really sorry for that." Derek looks pained when his eyes settle on hers. "It wasn't anything you did. If nothing else, please know that. And I don't think it even occurred to me that I wasn't in love with you anymore. It was really only when I met Meredith that I realized…I don't think I would have fallen for her so quickly if I was still in love with you. I think the two of us just…I think we grew apart. I checked out though. I checked out of the marriage and checked solely into work. And it's not like I didn't want to be around you, but my desire to be around you wasn't…wasn't as strong as it once was. And the growing apart…it happened slowly, at first, but then all of a sudden…all of a sudden it was…I don't really know how to -"

"Gradually and then suddenly," she contributes.

"I think you'd be happy to know that Meredith also isn't a Hemingway fan." Derek's tone is quietly teasing, but then he grows more serious. "You're right though; that was what it was like. And I think back then – when we first got married, I mean – I thought of love as being static. We had all these changes, like normal, expected life things: we had our specialties, our fellowships, situations with our families, professional and personal losses…things like that. And I honestly don't think I ever thought, as foolish as this sounds, that love is supposed to evolve and change…that it should evolve and change as your lives evolve and change. And I see now that love…love has to have movement to it."

"Thank you for being honest." Addison swallows tightly. All these years later, and she is glad to know she was right, but oh, does it sting on the inside to hear it. A lot. "And…sorry." She shows Derek another feeble grin. "I guess I have one more question about that. I know that you loved me, and that at one point – for a long time – you were in love with me." She waits, and he nods. "But it's different with Meredith, right? Love has movement, and the way you feel about her…I can just tell, from how you look at each other…it's different, right? And more? It's different and it's more? I was just…wondering."

"It's different and it's more, yeah. We have to work at it, of course, but I think part of the 'different' difference is that we want to work at it. Is that…" Derek hesitates. "Is that what it's like for you, too?"

"Yeah. It is."

"I wouldn't have left." He lowers his head. "Something would have had to have happened for me to leave, which it did, but otherwise...I just wasn't the kind of person who would leave you, and would leave our marriage. I used to think – especially when I was unhappy – that that was something to be proud of, that I stuck with things, that I didn't quit, that I was honorable…whatever that means. But those qualities I saw as strengths, I think in reality they might have been weaknesses in disguise, at least for that specific situation. Not that…not that I was happy about how things ended, but I wouldn't have left without some sort of justification. And in a way…I pretty much had to walk in on you guys exactly when I did for everything to work out exactly how it did. Like, if you had told me about the affair that winter, or something…Richard had a fully-staffed neuro department at that time, so I wouldn't have had any reason to go to Seattle. And Meredith only moved back to Seattle like a week before her internship started, so the timing there, too…" Derek looks at her again. "Tell me about your girls. What are they like?"

It is an abrupt subject change, but not an entirely surprising one, and Addison takes it in stride; talking about the girls is always a joy.

"Clara is really sweet and loving." It is always where Addison starts when she is asked about her oldest girl. "She's just a gentle, thoughtful kid. Smart, too. She loves to read, and I'm sure you know who she gets that from…she's a total bookworm. She just learned how to ride a bike without training wheels, and she's so proud of herself – and we're proud of her too, of course. She's a little shy, and kind of adapts to things at her own pace, so we do our best to not rush her into new situations, but she's a total love to anyone she warms up to. She plays soccer, and does ballet, and likes all things arts and crafts. She'll be in first grade when she goes back to school in September. I have a feeling she's going to be a frequent recipient of the 'a pleasure to have in class' comment on her report cards. Which…" Addison points at herself and then at Derek, and he smiles his understanding. The praise they received from teachers throughout their respective childhoods was pretty similar.

"Right. And your other one?"

"Ruby is my…spirited one. She's sweet too, she really is – but she's also loud and feisty and keeps us on our toes. She does pretty much anything Clara does, but soccer is what she seems to like the most. She's starting a gymnastics tumbling class in the fall though, and she's excited about that. She loves to make people laugh; I swear she already understands how comedic timing works. She's really creative, and likes to build things: blocks, magnetic tiles, marble runs, Lego sets…things like that. Theo is probably too young, but speaking from experience, doing a preliminary sweep of whatever floor surface you're about to walk over is always helpful. I can't tell you how many times I've been in a darkened room – either because I just turned the light off or I'm about to turn it on – and the bottom of my foot has connected with tiny Lego shrapnel. It's a unique sort of pain that I had no concept of before I had kids." She grins when Derek lets out a soft laugh at this confession. "And while Ruby might also be 'a pleasure to have in class,' because she really is a great kid and is kind to everybody, it's hard to imagine she won't wind up in the Head of School's office once or twice during her time at Spence." Clara is like you and Ruby is like Mark. Addison remembers Savvy saying that once. It is the obvious answer, perhaps the overall answer, but the truth is she sees herself – and Mark – in both their children. "Ruby is a bit like Phoebe," she adds. "And you know Phoebe, of course."

"I know Phoebe. No. Well, yes…" Derek sees Addison freeze mid-nod, confused by his statement. "Sorry, what I mean is that yes, I know Phoebe, but I was also going to say, that after I met her, in my head I thought of her as 'I-Know-Phoebe.' She was so cute. When we spent some time with them in Seattle, I would tell her how smart she was, or how good of a color-er she was, and she would respond with 'I know' each time."

Addison laughs. "No lack of confidence with that one." It is part Phoebe's personality – Ruby is similar in that way – but Addison knows it to be the result of parenting, too. Clara is more likely to just smile, or shrug her shoulders in a bashful, pink-cheeked sort of way when she is praised, but she feels the "I know" feeling on some level, too. How can you not think that you are smart and brave and capable when you have parents who tell you that you are these things? "About the childcare thing with Mark…sorry." Addison gives him a contrite look. "I wasn't trying to make you feel uncomfortable or to put you on the spot. It's just – well, I'm sure you know since you are one – that parenting thing where you automatically offer to help another parent. And the 'parent thing' usually trumps the potential weird vibe thing."

"I know. I get it."

"I could see if Lynette could come too, and bring her grandsons. I'm sure the older one won't be interested, but the younger one is around Clara's age. It might be fun for Theo to have a guy to pal around with. And that way…" Addison hates herself for thinking it, and even more for preparing to say it, for trying to create all these twisted accommodations that undercut her husband, who does not even know yet what tomorrow might potentially involve for him. "Well, I know you'll probably want to wait until the last possible minute to drop Theo off, but I'll need to be on the OR floor well before that…but if Lynette was there, then there could sort of be a…third-party presence when you drop Theo off, if you aren't entirely comfortable doing much conversing with Mark." She draws in a nervous, guilt-ridden breath. "Do you remember Lynette?"

"Yeah." Derek smiles. "His mom-receptionist. She still works for him?"

"She does. And she's pretty involved in our lives. She's an honorary auntie to the girls." The mention of family stirs something in Addison. "Derek…do your mom and sisters know what's going on with Meredith? With you guys?"

"They know Meredith is pregnant with twins. But as far as the TTTS…not yet. I'm working on that. I don't want to worry them. I know." He sees the look on Addison's face. "I know I need to tell them. Are you…about to nag me?"

She nearly laughs at this. "I guess since I'm not your wife, I've lost that right."

"Mark is…is he a good dad?" Derek asks it slowly, and it occurs to Addison that this is the first time he has mentioned Mark by name.

"Yes. He's a very good dad. I know that probably sounds surprising to you, but he's a great dad. Theo would be in good hands with him. I promise. He…he misses you." Addison's teeth sink into her lower lip. "Just so you know. It's gotten easier with time, but he does still miss you, and he's sorry for his role in what happened, too."

"I never thought of Mark as a dad," he admits. It is not lost on Addison that he did not address the second part of her statement. She often wondered if in some way, Mark's betrayal hurt Derek more than hers did. "Not seriously, anyway, because it seemed too far-fetched at the time. I always figured…well." He scratches at the back of his neck. "If I had thought of Mark as a dad, the words I would have used to describe what I thought he would be like wouldn't have been…flattering." Addison can hear the assumption-based descriptions that go unannounced. Lazy. Uninvolved. Disinterested. Irresponsible. Immature. They come to her easily, because before she fell in love with Mark, and before she realized how much Mark wanted to be a parent with her, Derek's assumptions were her assumptions, too.

"But, if I had thought of him as a dad…" Derek's lips curl into a half-smile, and his words coax Addison back. "No matter what I would have thought about his day-to-day parenting choices…I would never have doubted for a minute his ability to protect his kids, and to keep them safe. And it probably would be better for Theo. He's pretty strong-willed, but large groups – if somehow something were to work out with the daycare, I mean – tend to overwhelm him. And I guess…I mean, it's already weird enough to be reconnecting. Might as well go all in with it. Addison…I know you can't make promises, but just…do you…do you think…?"

She can see the pressure-filled tension in Derek's throat as he tries to swallow.

"You're right. I can't make promises," she reminds him gently. "But, that said, you have every reason to be hopeful that two years from now, you'll be telling your girls to stop poking their big brother."

. .
. .

"They have a son." Mark's words are an echo of what Addison shared with him a few minutes ago. They have made it to the bedroom and he is waiting by the dresser while she shucks off her dress in favor of something less form-fitting. He thinks this might be a record for how quickly she has gotten changed upon arriving home. Why would you wear it if isn't comfortable? is no longer something Mark says aloud, because he knows there is more than one answer to that, and also because the fashion choices of women – the ones who live in this household, in particular – are not to be questioned. And, of course, today of all days, the question of why does not enter his stream of consciousness. He can understand how empowering it would be to look your best when you see your ex-husband and his new wife.

It is just the two of them, so the conversation about how the appointment went, and what happened following the appointment is playing out slowly. The girls are with Savvy and Weiss's nanny, and Phoebe. Mark felt bad about pawning his kids off when he is home and available, but he figured it might be a good idea to have some alone time with Addison, so he took the girls over to Savvy and Weiss's around noon. Once he called Savvy at work to loop her in on what was going on, she told him not to worry, to just drop the girls off, and that they could hang onto them for as long as needed.

"A son who looks like Derek," he continues. Addison told him she thought about the timeline on her cab ride back, and determined that when Savvy visited Seattle, that would have been just a few weeks before Meredith became pregnant with Theo. "Amelia never mentioned…Red, please tell me Amelia knows her brother has a kid. And two more on the way." A lot of things have surprised Mark lately, but Amelia potentially not knowing some of the bigger happenings in Derek's life honestly would not be one of them.

"She does." Addison emerges from the walk-in closet in pajama pants made of a soft viscose fabric, and a Yankees shirt Mark relinquished custody of years ago. "She knows. Not about the TTTS, but yes, she knows about Theo and the girls. It sort of makes sense though…she never brings up her family unless I do, and I…I usually don't."

This is not news to Mark. He knows the women find other things – deliberately find other things – to talk about. It is a dance they have perfected in all the years since Addison's first marriage ended. At first it was about guilt. Addison – and him, to some extent, though she was the one doing the communicating with Amelia – did not feel she deserved to know about Derek's life. And then it was self-preservation. A healthy choice or not, it was easier for them both to just stay in a present-only bubble, to not conjure any feelings of hurt by poking around for too much information.

"I'll text her after all of this is over and give her a hard time," Addison tells him. "I can hear her now: 'Addie, you never asked. And the first rule of the Ex-Husbands Club is you don't talk about the Ex-Husbands Club.' And she'll have a point, of course. So…yeah." Addison folds her arms over her stomach. "And Theo…I think he has Meredith's coloring, but he looks so much like Derek. If you lined up pictures of Derek and Theo at the same age, I don't know that you'd be able to tell them apart at first glance."

It is another no-words-needed situation for them both. Mark takes her hand and brings her to bed with him. She follows willingly, trustingly. Long, quiet moments follow while they lie side by side, looking at each other. He can tell the rhythm of Addison's breathing is off; this is what she sounds like when she is trying not to cry.

"Talk to me." He wonders if he is being unfair by issuing a directive when his wife would probably prefer to just cuddle and release her held-back tears. "It doesn't have to be all of it, but just…tell me something about how you're feeling. This morning must have been a lot for you. Even if your conversation with Derek was 'good,' like you said…that was still a lot. Go ahead, bunny," he adds when Addison's mouth parts open. "I'm listening."

"Okay. I don't…I don't think Derek would have ever reached out, and said sorry for…for the things he was sorry for if…if something like this hadn't happened. But he just…he stopped." Addison's voice is a little sharper as words continue to pour out. "He loves Meredith, and the way he feels about her…the thing is, he felt that way about me once, too. And he looked at me like that once, too. And maybe it's different, and maybe it's more special with Meredith than it ever was with me, and I get that, of course I get that. I get that because what I have with you is more than what I ever had with Derek, but he still…he still did love me once. And then he just…stopped loving me. Well before the marriage was over. He stopped feeling…that way about me. He admitted it." Her eyes are shining with unshed tears now. "There's more to tell you, but I think that's all the 'about anything' I can handle right now. But…I know, Mark." She offers him a small smile. "I know what you're going to say."

He places a hand on her cheek. "I know you know what I'm going to say," he intones. "Is it all right if I say it anyway though?" Her facial muscles twitch beneath his palm when she nods. "Well, I still feel that way about you, Addison. And I won't ever stop feeling that way. I love you, and I won't ever stop loving you."

"I know. And I love you, too. I'm not jealous, or like...I have everything I could ever want, with you and the girls. I think it just…hurt my feelings a little."

"Of course it did. I get it."

"Make love to me," Addison whispers. It fits. In any other situation it would feel too soppy, too dramatic, and it would maybe even embarrass her more than saying something dirty to him might. It is just not the kind of thing either of them would think to say, no matter what variation of physical intimacy they are engaging in. Addison feels bold in this light though, in all this painful honesty. "Please," she adds when she sees a flicker of hesitation from Mark. "I want this."

He moves closer at her affirming nod, and kisses her, first lightly, and then more probingly, slinking his tongue around hers as clothes begin to come off.

It feels both healing and intimate when their bodies are finally joined. Mark rocks slowly as he moves inside her. Her limbs are wrapped around him, vine-tight in a way that is nearly restricting, but he knows just how to rotate his hips so that it feels good for them both. The sounds Addison is making close to his ear are soft and breathy.

Mark pauses at one point, drawing back and taking a moment to cup the side of her head in one of his hands. "You're so beautiful," he whispers, and then he kisses away a tear that is clinging to Addison's cheek. Her legs relax around him, and he resumes thrusting, enjoying the heat of her, the feel of her, the shape of her. Her body strains beneath him, hips rising up when he alters his tempo with longer, deeper strokes.

He guides a hand between them and offers her more pleasure, encouraging her to let go. She comes first, with a few more gasps and a husky moan, and then Mark follows, panting her name and burying his face in her neck as he feels the tension leave his body.

"That felt…that felt really fucking good. I needed that," Addison mumbles later when her head is resting on his chest, and it makes them both laugh.

She blinks tiredly when Mark's fingertips glide in figure-eights along her upper back. They can wait a bit longer before they go get the girls. They can wait a bit longer before she tells Mark about the potential childcare arrangements for tomorrow, and how he is at the center of those very arrangements. They can wait a bit longer before she expresses how in many ways tomorrow's procedure – a minor one for her to perform, all things considered – feels even more high stakes to her than when she operated on Susan. They can wait a bit longer before she tells him the rest of about anything. For right now, lying in Mark's arms and being loved by him is enough.

"Everything's okay?" He asks quietly, and he feels her nod against his chest.

"Everything's okay," Addison confirms.

. .
. .

---

Notes/Nods to Various Episodes

The "Look at you. You have a baby…in a bar" quote from Savvy was a nod to the movie Sweet Home Alabama, which Patrick Dempsey was actually in. Ha.

I used a lot of Grey's references, but I don't feel like doing a lengthy listing (you noticed how fucking long this chapter was, right?), so here's a quick-style version. 1) Twist on season 2 "There was a time I thought you were the love of my life. Things change." 2) Easy mark for evil redheads, season 3 (have used this one more than once). 3) Special order a thicker skin comment, season 2. 4) "Got naked with my best friend." - season 2. 5) Slight twist on the divorce/nagging exchange, season 3. 6) Meredith's "love lighting your life up" remark about her son is a variation on something she said about motherhood in season 8. 7) "You're always interrupting." - season 2

And then, one I will talk about in detail. I did some tweaking of the dialogue (and I imagine most readers invested in these specific characters picked up on this quickly), but in the final scene, the inspiration for what Addison shares with Mark came from Grey's 3x17.

Addison, RE: Derek/Meredith: "We never had that. He never felt that way about me."
Mark: "I did."

Trust me when I say this is my *abbreviated* rant about this. I hated that exchange. It was such a disservice to all the characters. Like, really, Derek NEVER felt that way about Addison?! Bull. He fell in love with her, married her, said he thought she was the love of his life, considered her his family, and ultimately, they were married for eleven years (and not all those years were terrible). That is an indelible history to share with someone. Come on…even if it's different/more/etc. with Meredith, it's still a crappy take on a relationship. Meredith and Derek could still be considered an ~epic couple without that exchange of dialogue (and there still could have been a nice Mark/Addison moment without making her marriage feel utterly meaningless). Anyway. That was a painful scene to bear witness to, and I hate the Grey's writers for this take.

A Twin-to-Twin Transfusion Syndrome (TTTS) case was what led to Richard calling Addison and asking her to come to Seattle for a consult (and dropping a dime on Derek in the process), so I liked the parallel of this pregnancy condition surfacing again. The first time around (in this fic, but canon too, I imagine), it was a contributing catalyst for potentially driving Mark and Addison apart, and Addison back to Derek (no such shake-ups in this fic though).

Thanks for reading! I know this was a long one, but hopefully it was worth it. Mark kind of had a backseat this chapter, but he'll be featured more prominently next time.

May we all keep some semblance of calm when the queen herself returns to our screens this Thursday (we won't).