TW: panic attack, violence/assault, insinuation of s*xual assault. Nothing too crazy happens, but if you would like to skip this part then skip the italics and then down to the scene change (4 periods/dots). A summary of what occurred will be at the bottom.
"There's a lot more people here than I realized."
Kaoru stood watching around the corner at the line of girls. They had been waiting for the club to officially open since school ended and had been waiting for roughly half an hour. Kaoru felt the smugness coming from Kyoya who leaned against the wall behind him. Kaoru turned back to him. Kyoya had his eyes closed and a smirk plastered across his face.
"Should I even ask you if you prepared for such a turn out? You did, didn't you?"
Kyoya nodded his head and opened his eyes. There was excitement there as his fingers danced across the back of Kaoru's. It was a call to return to the matter at hand: receiving the food from the cafeteria. They had to have all the fresh food that couldn't be made at Ouran to be shipped in and picked up at the dock behind the cafeteria. Kyoya, of course, volunteered Kaoru to go pick it up with him as the other hosts prepared everything inside the club. They were stuck with moving tables and chairs into a layout similar to a restaurant and setting up the heavy table on which Mori-senpai and Hikaru would make the coffee. It was going to be quite the show, Kaoru realized.
He flushed from the tickling touch of Kyoya's fingertips and followed him to the back stairwell. They took the long way to the cafeteria knowing that they might be stopped by a group of girls. They were certainly hiding out around the school, looking for the hosts to make an appearance. He and Kyoya were in the uniforms that Kaoru had somewhat designed for this event. They wanted to keep the uniforms as a surprise and do a grand reveal once everything was ready.
Kaoru was excited to see something he had a hand in designing finally be worn. It really wasn't his design completely, however. Trying to design and make all the hosts' uniforms in such a short amount of time was impossible. So, he sent his sketches to a uniform company nearby. Luckily for the club, both Yuzuha and Suoh-san knew the CEO personally and said CEO was able to pull some strings and collect the different pieces needed for the event. Despite not being able to fully create the pieces with Tamaki's guidance, the CEO, Kobayashi-san, was still impressed with his sketches. The praise stayed with Kaoru for a long while.
When the uniforms arrived a couple days ago, Tamaki cried with delight when he saw them. They were exactly what he had imagined, Tamaki had exclaimed. He thanked Kaoru with a giant hug, to which Kaoru reminded him that he really hadn't been that much involved. Tamaki hadn't cared, he was too busy suffocating Kaoru.
With a quick fit test a couple of days prior, Hikaru and Kaoru assured the club that the uniforms were a good fit and so, they waited until they could show them off. Everyone was practically antsy with anticipation for club that day. Even Haruhi was excited for the event and didn't nearly complain as much as she would. Once school officially ended, they descended on Music Room #3. Everyone put on their uniforms and took a few pre-event photos for the club's Instagram. Renge promised Kyoya she wouldn't upload the photos too soon lest the surprise be ruined.
The uniform consisted of black slacks, a clean and perfectly starched white button up, a black tie, a dark gray suit vest with a faux chain for a pocket watch, and shiny black Oxfords. Hikaru and Kaoru added their own flair to the outfits without permission, but what was new? A few rings and a simple pair of earrings weren't going to ruin the look. Actually, the twins had carefully selected the few bits of jewelry they did add to make sure it wasn't too flashy. They were supposed to be butler-like and surely a butler wouldn't be wearing extremely gaudy pieces. Though, Kyoya had rolled his eyes at the boys' additions while Tamaki questioned why they even bother. Not that it had really mattered. It wasn't like the girls were going to necessarily care either way.
All Kaoru could think about is how spectacular Kyoya looked in his uniform, but again what was new? Of course, Kaoru thought Kyoya looked good. He looked good in really anything, even with his less than ideal fashion sense. Kaoru knew there wasn't a single shred of hope for Kyoya since he had no idea how to dress casually. He could dress up, but never down, and thankfully he had Kaoru there to help steer him in the right direction. Kaoru absolutely enjoyed when Kyoya texted him at random times and asked for his opinion on what he should wear to certain places. Kaoru was more than happy to oblige. It opened up the fun little banter he loved so much. Kaoru often teased that Kyoya should just hire him as a stylist and he wasn't going to keep doing it for free. Of course, payment was always flexible . . . Or Kaoru wished it was. Kyoya reminded him that they were both supposed to play nice.
Currently, Kaoru had his eyes on Kyoya and continued to mull over how great he looked. The tight-fitting slacks were going to be the death of Kaoru. He didn't stop his eyes from lingering on Kyoya's backside as they walked. He slowed down enough to keep the view and bit his lip. There was a hum of appreciation caught in his throat, but he wouldn't let it out for fear of getting caught. But he must have been obviously ogling since Kyoya reached for him and forced him to walk side-by-side with a tight, guiding arm around Kaoru's shoulders. Kaoru fought back by placing his hand over Kyoya's left buttocks, squeezing lightly. He liked what he felt.
There was amusement coming from Kyoya as well as faux annoyance. "Troublesome devil," Kyoya rumbled into his ear.
He didn't let Kaoru hold his hand there for very long, instead pulling Kaoru's hand to his waist by the wrist. It was fine by Kaoru as it allowed him to press himself again Kyoya as they walked, Kyoya's arm around his shoulders and Kaoru's around Kyoya's waist.
Kaoru let his bottom lip go from between his teeth and smirked. He looked at Kyoya from under his eyelashes coquettishly. "Don't tell me you dislike it?"
"You're being unfair."
Kaoru huffed, "Fair is subjective."
Kyoya slowed down which caused Kaoru to slow as well. Kyoya had his eyes closed again and took a deep breath. Kaoru watched as Kyoya's face showed his struggle with patience. Kaoru might have felt bad if he were a different person. However, he was a Hitachiin through and through. He liked teasing Kyoya. He liked draining his patience for the sole purpose of trying to make Kyoya cave and do what Kaoru wanted. It was like a game, a very fun game. Kyoya didn't have too much patience, but he did have resolve, strong willpower, and stubbornness. It meant that Kyoya would direct his frustrations elsewhere to avoid giving into Kaoru.
"You're not going to win." Kyoya sounded murderous, but Kaoru could tell he was trying to scare him away from misbehaving.
"Winning is what Hitachiins do best." Kaoru reminded Kyoya. "I've heard I can be persistent, even from you."
Kyoya groaned. His grip on Kaoru's shoulder tightened. "I'm not going to make it through the school year at the rate you're going."
Kaoru's devilish smile appeared. He couldn't be happier with the honest confession.
"Please," Kyoya pleaded softly. Kaoru wasn't sure what he was asking for. He knew Kyoya probably meant it to be a request to stop, but it sounded like a plea for more. Kyoya couldn't deny how much he wanted to do something. Kaoru saw it written across his face, whether it be to kiss, embrace, or more. He saw it in Kyoya's body language, all the way down to his dilated pupils.
"Please?" Kaoru taunted. "Please, what?"
Kyoya's eyes were dark. Kaoru was suddenly aware that he might have pushed too far. The air around them changed drastically. Kaoru swallowed nervously, feeling his throat click dryly. "Kyoya?"
Kyoya half-turned, his head swiveling around as if he were looking for something. Kaoru being as dull as he was sometimes realized too late what his dear Kyoya searched unluckily for Kaoru, they were near one.
Kyoya latched onto Kaoru's wrist and dragged him into an empty classroom. He quickly shut the door and locked it behind him. Kaoru felt chills down his spine as Kyoya briefly looked over his shoulder at him. He couldn't tell if the chills were from fear or anticipation. All he knew is that he shook, so much so his knees buckled for a moment. He caught himself on a desk and leaned against it heavily. "Kyoya?" He tried again weakly.
Kyoya was silent as he slowly turned and made his way back to Kaoru. Each step felt like a punch to Kaoru's gut. He wasn't getting enough air and gulped like a fish out of water. Kyoya was about half a foot away when he stopped to regard Kaoru. His eyes were no longer the cold, dark brown-gray color. His irises were almost completely swallowed by his pupils, black and hollow. Kyoya reached out to him and Kaoru's breath caught in his throat waiting for an impact that never came. Kyoya's hands didn't touch him, but hovered over Kaoru's thighs. Whether it was a threat or promise, Kaoru couldn't tell. Kaoru couldn't tell much anymore. Kyoya had pulled a mask and Kaoru was shut out. He only saw the stony expression Kyoya wore when he was being serious, but wasn't being taken as such. It startled a whimper out of Kaoru.
"Kyo-," He breathed.
But Kyoya had taken that final step towards him. They were on course to collide, but Kaoru didn't want it to go so far. He was about to hop onto the desk to put space in between them. However, Kyoya caught him before he could do so. Kaoru's world spun violently as Kyoya whorled him around and pushed him into the desk. He had a split second to catch himself with unsteady arms or he would have landed face first onto the wooden top. Again, he was left paralyzed. His body waited for Kyoya as if it were it was trained to do so.
Kaoru's view was limited to the desktop. He saw his hands with his fingers splayed out from when he caught himself, the grain of the wood, and nothing else. Though, there was a new addition creeping in. Kyoya's hands were coming into view. Kaoru had thought they were reaching for his own, but he was wrong. Instead, Kyoya's hands slid to the edges of the desk beside Kaoru's. His long fingers wrapped around and gripped tightly. It was then that Kaoru was hit with a very vivid fantasy. He imagined Kyoya pushing him further into the desk. He imagined Kyoya's breath at the nape of neck, groans and growls being ripped from Kyoya's throat. He imagined lips, teeth and tongue. Kaoru wanted Kyoya to take and take and take from him until he had nothing left.
The emotions balled up inside his chest and it was a ball and chain that pulled him to the floor. His knees gave way and he crumpled inelegantly to Kyoya's feet kneeling and mostly slumped over. Tears began to prick in his eyes as he tried to make sense of what he just thought of. Certainly, now was not the time to start spiralling, yet he couldn't get his mind to stop. He longed for the profound emptiness that often took him when he started having more vivid fantasies. He supposed shutting down was his mind's way of keeping him from breaking down like he started to, simply disassociating to keep from cracking. It was the best case scenario for him normally. Anything negative was a reaction he wasn't able to shake and really, he wanted to be able to be able to think past holding hands and chaste kisses. Yet, going beyond that often meant diving into a bottomless pit of inky self-hatred. There were very few times that Kaoru had gotten past that barrier and finally got to breathe and feel for those fantasies, and when he did, he saw stars. But habits were hard to break and he was trained to associate those thoughts with fear.
He had been lucky so far that his fear hadn't consumed him when Kyoya stated his promise just months ago, when Kyoya leaned in to kiss him while they were in his bedroom or at the karaoke lounge but just didn't get to, or when Kyoya finally got to kiss him in the rose garden. It had been absolute bliss. His mind went pleasurably numb and he couldn't think of anything outside of him and Kyoya in those moments. They may have been heated, and increasingly so, counting the make-out session in the garden. But it was different this time. This time it felt like he was getting a taste of Kyoya at last. He was happy, truly. He wanted to be with Kyoya in every sense of the word and he was so willing to do whatever it took to get his taste. And that while scary in its own way, not to mention overwhelming, it wasn't what spooked him. It was how he responded, that he was terrified of his own emotions, and the dread that he was going to have to face something he hadn't had to face in a long time. Kaoru felt the chip in his defenses and it was starting to crumble his carefully bricked wall inside himself. The fear was cold and sharp along with the twisting, painful misery. It brought back a memory he pushed down inside himself to forget.
Kaoru was only going to the bathroom for a minute. Nothing too long, and he was sure his twin could make it for the time it took him to go. It was one of those rare instances where they were separated. They usually went to the bathroom together, however they were in the middle of PE. The instructor had called on Hikaru to participate in doing one-on-one's with another classmate in their warm up drills. Kaoru watched with the rest of his class as three sets of two began kicking the soccer ball back and forth between each other down the field and back again. So Kaoru took the chance to ask him for a bathroom break.
Now, Kaoru was lightly jogging to the outdoor restrooms that sat far on the other side of the sports complex. The building itself was small and unassuming, painted in the color as the other Ouran buildings. It was surrounded by tall shrubs and hedges, away from the view of most of the complex. The only thing marking its existence was the obvious sign stating that it was indeed the restroom.
Kaoru was too busy focusing on how long he had been gone that he hadn't noticed the smell of cigarettes. He almost ran into a rather large figure head on, but skidded to a halt just before making contact with the guy's back. Dumbly, he looked up to the guy who towered over Kaoru. This guy was not a middle schooler like Kaoru nor was he wearing an Ouran uniform. He smelled like cheap cologne and gasoline. Kaoru gasped.
"What the- ?" The guy said turning.
From around his tall, broad frame, Kaoru saw three more guys. The group was probably around high school age or older. They were all smoking with small white cigarettes hanging from their fingers or lips. Kaoru was sure now, none of them were Ouran students, not even students who changed into their casual clothes and left early. No, these guys were not supposed to be there.
"Holy shit, it's one of those Hitachiins!" One of the other guys exclaimed merrily. He was awkwardly tall and scrawny unlike the beefcake that stood directly in front of Kaoru. The scrawny guy flicked his butt to the ground and pressed the toe of his shoe to smother it. "I heard you two are really up each other's asses."
"Yeah," the large guy laughed. His voice was several octaves deeper than any other voice Kaoru had heard before. "I heard the Hitachiin twins were a bunch of assholes, too!"
Kaoru wasn't sure how they knew anything about him. How did they even know what he and Hikaru looked like? He didn't peg them for fashion fanatics so he they weren't leisurely flipping through any of the magazines he and his brother had been in. So maybe they were related to someone who went to Ouran? His thought process stopped when the other two guys stepped from behind the towering figure in front of him. One was short for his age, just a little bit taller than Kaoru and wore a red hoodie. The other guy wore a baseball cap low over his eyes.
"What should we do to him? After interrupting our little session?" The Cap guy asked.
The skinny guy norted, "Maybe we could pummel him?"
Kaoru's stomach knotted up with terrible anticipation. Though, he knew deep down in his gut that would probably be the best of the worst case scenarios.
"No, no, no." The Red hoodie reached into his pocket and pulled out a modified box cutter. The razor stuck out much farther than it was supposed to and looked like it had been serrated by hand. "I have a few questions for this young man."
Kaoru knew where this was going. The fear threatened to spill over in the form of tears on his cheeks but swallowed them down viciously. He knew it would only encourage them to keep at him.
"I heard one of you likes boys." Hoodie drew out slowly with a puff of smoke to Kaoru's face.
Kaoru felt icy hands on his heart at the statement. It was already bad enough that he had kissed a boy from his class simply as a way of experimenting. Kaoru hadn't expected the boy in question to press further into him while in the small storage closet at Ouran, the pungent smell of the commercial cleaners enough to make him gag. He couldn't deny he liked the kiss therefore he had proved to himself that what he was feeling wasn't just random. He actually had an interest in guys. However, Kaoru wasn't interested that much in this particular person. And Kaoru was painfully frank. Of course, this unnamed classmate blackmailed him for attention and when Karou didn't follow through, he spread rumors about him. Funnily enough, the boy Kaoru kissed hadn't known whether he was Hikaru or Kaoru.
Hikaru didn't care. He was perfectly straight and he had no doubts. It wasn't like he minded by called gay. Kaoru was terrified. The school already had a strong dislike for them, no it had tripled. Not that everyone was homophobic or cared, though the ones that did made up for those who wer indifferent. There was a short streak of harassment and bullying, but the twins stopped that in its tracks. Everyone knew that the Hitachiins were the true bullies there, and if you messed with them, you got what you had coming for you twice over. While Kaoru appreciated Hikaru's tenacity since he knew he couldn't possibly fight the other students on his own, it always made him worry. What if someone had outsmarted them or took them by surprise? What would happen to them? The answer was unfolding before his eyes.
"But which one? I can't tell you two apart." Hoodie nodded at the beefcake who grabbed Kaoru by his gym shirt and threw him up against the side of the building.
It wasn't too hard, but it was enough to knock the breath out of him. He heard their laughter at his suffering, but his heartbeat was starting to thump heavily in his ears.
"Or maybe you both are sissies." Hoodie pushed the knife against Kaoru's throat. "So it really doesn't matter. What does matter is 'Kawa's cousin didn't like your little pranks. He especially didn't like how you two broke his little crush's heart. Now, I usually don't care what sort of stupid drama goes on when it comes to middle school crushes. However, what really has me interested is the fact that you play the girls, then fuck the guys."
Kaoru moved his face away when Hoodie leaned closer to his face.
"What exactly are you playing at?" He hummed. "You think you're going to get somewhere by playing both sides of the field?"
The heat rolling of this guy was suffocating. Kaoru couldn't understand how he wore that hoodie in the middle of summer in Japan. Regardless, it was making sweat roll down his back from the fear and the humidity.
"Well? Are you gonna say something?" The human equivalent of those walking stick bugs asked.
Kaoru didn't say anything. There was nothing he could say that would make the situation better for himself. He had to wait and see if silence was the best option.
"Or are you gonna take it like a sissy? When we find something you like? You know, something we can put right snug inside you?"
Kaoru instantly felt even more ill at the words. Despite the heat, his hands and feet were as cold as ice. His vision swam as he bent over and threw up onto Hoodie's shoes.
He felt several hands at him with a growl of anger.
"You fucking fa-!"
Kaoru was spun around against the wall to face it. Vicious fingers grabbed his hair yanking back harshly only to slam his head into the brick wall. His nose took most of the force followed by his jaw. It was so painful that he had thought his nose was broken. He grunted as he fell to his knees. His trunk wobbled as his head tried to figure out if he was still upright or not, not like it could tell after hitting the wall. Dazed for a moment, he could only look up and back at the guys that had formed a semicircle behind him. There was no chance of escaping now. He should have ran while he could.
"You're going to fucking pay for this." Hoodie snarled. "I'm going to rip the spine out of you."
Kaoru tasted blood from his nose as it gushed and panicked. He tried to stand before Beefcake's hands weighted his shoulders, preventing him from doing so. He felt that knife against his throat again and his only thought after the sudden certainty he was going to die was that he loved his family. Despite having misgivings for leaving Hikaru on his own, the thought surrounded him like a blanket and made him less afraid. He stopped struggling against the hold on his shoulders and stilled. He took a deep breath in and held it.
Baseball cap came up behind Hoodie and laid a hand on his shoulder. "Easy, T. We've already done enough."
"Enough? Enough?" Hoodie, or T as Baseball cap called him, shrieked with laughter. "I ain't done shit yet."
"We're gonna get flushed out in a minute. We've already missed our time."
T hissed as he looked down to the watch on his wrist. "FUCK."
Kaoru felt a slap against the side of his head. He fell over onto his side and didn't get up.
"If you say anything about this," T murmured into Kaoru's ear, "You're fucked in more ways than one."
Kaoru's whole body shook as he heard them walk away. Not too long after, he heard the fence behind the hedges rattling as the group climbed over and probably ran off. He didn't move for a long time. It was only then he realized he was laying in his vomit. He decided that he was going to lay there forever and pretend he didn't exist.
Kaoru dug deep inside himself looking for something to hold onto and found nothing. The floor dropped out from under him and his head was spinning. He needed to breathe, but when he tried to, he choked on tears. God, why now? His panic attacks were usually quick and had very few symptoms. He knew how to handle his usual: a few breathing techniques and counting forwards and backwards from one to ten did the trick. However, this was one of his worst. His mind was scattered too much to even begin to think about numbers. His diaphragm was out of his control and seemed hellbent on letting him suffocate.
Kyoya was more than concerned. He was at Kaoru's side instantly trying to his best to soothe him. However, it wasn't enough.
" I'm sorry, I'm sorry ." Kyoya was scared, Kaoru realized. He shouldn't be and he shouldn't be apologizing either, he did nothing wrong. "Breathe, Kaoru, breathe . Please ."
Kaoru felt pain in his scalp and whined. It was his fingers, they had gripped his hair and pulled hard. He didn't see anything, only felt. The tunnel vision was clouding his sight, growing and growing with every breath he failed to take.
"Kaoru," Kyoya tried, "Breathe with me."
Kaoru barely heard him over the sound of blood rushing and his heart stuttering over its beats. He felt gentle fingers alongside his, they were trying to untangle his fingers from his hair.
"In and hold." And Kaoru hiccupped a breath in and held it until Kyoya said to release it, wanting to be good for Kyoya.
Kaoru's hands fell like dead weight into his lap once Kyoya successfully removed them from his hair. Kyoya quickly took them up again into his hands. He rubbed and squeezed them with a great deal of pressure. It was grounding and soothing in a way he hadn't thought would work. They stayed like that for a long time, Kyoya guiding his breathing and rubbing his hands thoughtfully.
Eventually Kaoru's breathing returned to normal, but the fear clung to his skin. He had the urge to find a shower rinse it off of him with the hottest temperature it produced.
Kyoya hands cupped his face, thumbs wiping away the tear streaks. He had stopped crying a while ago. "Kaoru."
Kaoru met Kyoya's eyes. They both were wide-eyed and shaken. Both asking themselves what happened. It had been completely fine until then . . .
Kaoru was embarrassed. He wanted to be strong for Kyoya and didn't want Kyoya to see this side of him. It was his plan to overcome this side himself before ever beginning the conversation Kyoya proposed they should have. Kyoya wanted to help Kaoru, but Kaoru needed to get these tendencies under control before talking with him. He didn't want to scare Kyoya every time a memory came back and triggered his attacks. There wouldn't ever be a conversation with Kyoya until he was able to keep them at bay.
"I'm sorry," Kaoru rasped. "It's not your fault. You didn't do anything wrong."
"Kaoru, I caused an attack. Something was obviously wrong."
"No, I realize you were only teasing me and I really wanted it," Kaoru started to sob again. "I really wanted you."
Kyoya swallowed wetly, "You're not afraid?"
Kaoru shook his head and reached for Kyoya. He tucked his head into Kyoya's chest. "I'm not scared of y-you," He hiccuped. "I-I was scared of what I f-felt, what I imagined you d-doing. I was scared of what I- what I wanted you to do to me."
Kyoya tensed up at Kaoru's confession but Kaoru hadn't noticed. He kept talking between his sobs in a barely coherent stream of words, running and running like a faucet had been turned on inside him and he couldn't turn it off.
"It wasn't your fault, I s-swear. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry, Kyoya. Please, p-please. I'm sorry."
Kyoya's grip was strong as he took Kaoru into his arms. Kaoru latched onto the lapels of Kyoya's uniform and lifted his head higher. He felt embarrassment rear its ugly head again as he cried like a child into the neck of his beloved.
.
.
.
.
Kyoya had a lot of feelings swirling incessantly around inside him. It was similar to his maelstrom anger, but it felt more icy, like a blizzard of cold hatred, guilt, despair, and a pervasive hollowness. He was trying to stay calm for Kaoru, he needed to. Kaoru needed him. He held Kaoru as he sobbed and tried to think of what to do. They had gone to fetch the delivery from the cafeteria, but getting the food was at the very bottom of his list of priorities. Next up from that was hosting. He pushed Tamaki out of his head, knowing he was going to be frantic to find his Vice President and the other half of his 'Brotherly Love' act. How he would even begin to broach what had occurred to the host club was lost on him. Kaoru couldn't host today, which by extension meant that Hikaru couldn't either. How were they even going to hold the event? After all those girls paid for tickets to the event? Kyoya pushed that out of his mind as well.
At the forefront of his focus, Kyoya dreaded what he had drudged up from Kaoru's mind when he did his little stunt. Did something happen? Did someone - . . . ? He couldn't finish the thought. It made him sick with worry, with anger, with anguish. If someone had hurt Kaoru, there wasn't anything that could stop Kyoya from maiming them. But what really weighed heavily on him was his guilt. He had done this to Kaoru, all to top Kaoru's teasing. It was overboard, being too rough and aggressive. To see Kaoru, who is usually so well put together, collapse in front of Kyoya with eyes wide and frightened but unseeing, shaking hands gripping his hair, lines of tears down his face, and wheezing trying to draw in air was terrifying. Kyoya never wanted to see Kaoru suffer like that again.
He shook his limbs into action to try and rub Kaoru's back, but they felt numb. It felt wrong to hold him like this, as much as he wanted it. Kyoya thought his touches were unwelcome to Kaoru, especially if . . . He nearly growled at himself, mind beginning to run the train of thought he was avoiding. Kyoya reminded himself that Kaoru had reached for him and clung to him tightly, never pushing away. It was the only giving Kyoya hope at this point that he wasn't doing anything wrong.
Eventually, Kaoru's sobs hiccuped and became less frequent. He quieted and wrapped his arms around Kyoya's neck. Kyoya took his weight and copied his actions around Kaoru's waist. Neither of them moved just feeling content with the warmth between them. Kyoya took the time to text both Tamaki and Haruhi who sent many texts asking where they were. Kyoya only answered with a simple ' Kaoru's very ill. I'm taking care of him .' After, Kaoru buried his face further into Kyoya's neck. Kyoya leaned away to look at him as best as he could. His breath caught at the dazed and utterly lost look Kaoru wore.
"Kaoru?"
"I have the biggest migraine in the world right now," He mumbled.
Kyoya wasn't able to stop the hand that came up to Kaoru's face to gently cup his cheek. He wiped at the wet skin with his thumb. "What can I do?"
Kaoru met his gaze and Kyoya saw exhaustion among defeat. "I don't know." He said looking away.
"How about some water?"
Kaoru thought it over, but responded, "I don't want to leave."
Kyoya sighed, "Okay."
They lapsed into silence. Kyoya fought the urge to swallow knowing it would be deafening in the room. Kyoya stole another quick look at Kaoru. He was extremely pale, even more so than the slight blush across the bridge of his nose could cover. What frightened Kyoya was how distant his gaze was. It was like Kaoru wasn't there, at least not fully. Kyoya understood that part of it was the attack and the immediate exhaustion, and that was understandable. The other part was Kaoru was slipping away from dealing with whatever he was thinking about. Kyoya rattled his brain for the word he was looking for, feeling utterly useless when it failed to materialize. It was something he had heard before from his brother when he was studying psychology and neuroscience. It described a state where people essentially took a step back from themselves, almost like they were having an out of body experience while remaining in their body. There was a disconnect somewhere.
It was exactly how Kaoru looked. He was nothing more than a body in Kyoya's arms.
Angrily, Kyoya bit the inside of his cheek. Kaoru was still there, he told himself. It's just a state of mind. Kyoya wanted to pull Kaoru out whatever depths of hell he was in, but he didn't know how to approach Kaoru when he was like this. Could Kyoya even trust Kaoru to make the right decisions for himself when he was like this? There was too much uncertainty swirling around and Kyoya didn't have anything or anyone to turn to. He could try to pull up something from a mental health website. Kyoya knew the ones from the US, Canada, and UK were decent. They might give him some idea as to what to do.
For a few minutes, he scrolled through the articles. They weren't what he was looking for, though quite a few of them said water and s distraction could be helpful.
"We can't stay like this forever." Kyoya began.
He waited for Kaoru to respond, but he never did.
"Kaoru?"
Kaoru didn't stir until he put a gentle hand on his cheek. Kyoya felt him jump and then settle against him. Kaoru groaned and refused to pull away.
"We need to get you some water."
"I'm not thirsty." Kaoru sounded muffled against Kyoya's uniform.
"Doesn't matter. You've lost fluids and you need to rehydrate."
Kaoru groaned. Kyoya was about to launch Kaoru into action when he whispered something into Kyoya's skin.
"What did you say?"
"I didn't want you to see me like this." Kaoru repeated still muffled. "I'm weak."
"You're not weak, Kaoru." Kyoya chastised quietly. "You're one of the strongest people I know."
"Don't say that to say it. You don't mean it."
"You don't see it." Kyoya kissed Kaoru's temple. "You don't see your strength. You carry around people's emotional baggage and somehow find a way to smile through it."
Kaoru sighed, "That's a dumb example."
"You love your brother when no one else will. It takes strength in character to do something so charitable."
It startled a chuckle out Kaoru, "Dummy."
Kyoya kissed his temple again. He gently cupped the back of Kaoru's neck and rubbed. Kaoru seemed to like it because he sighed and sank back into Kyoya. Kyoya was starting to feel relieved when Kaoru's color returned to normal, a soft blush on his cheeks and the tips of his ears. Kyoya kissed the tip of Kaoru's left ear just because he could.
"I think . . . I do want that water."
Kyoya nodded and let Kaoru pull away. They stood and drifted to the cafeteria. It seemed that someone had come down to pick up the delivery of food for them as the cafeteria was completely empty. There weren't any workers nor any place that wasn't locked up for the day. Luckily, Kyoya was able to find a stack of disposable cups and used one at the water fountain in the corner of the room. Kaoru gratefully took the cup and downed half of it in one gulp.
"I needed this more than I realized," Kaoru voiced.
"Are you starting to feel better?"
Kyoya's fingers found the wrist of the hand hanging limply at Kaoru's side. His fore and middle finger looked for Kaoru's pulse and located it easily. It was about where it should be, though it was a little fast.
He protested, "Dr. Ootori, I'm feeling better, I swear."
"I'm just making sure."
Kaoru flushed beautifully looking over the cup. He then used the water cup to cover his face as he looked away. Kyoya swooned inwardly.
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They made it back to the club as Tamaki opened. He announced briefly that Kaoru wasn't going to be able to host due to illness, the girls groaned but wished for Kaoru's swift recovery. In fact, in the event post made by Renge on the host club's media, many of the girls tagged him with the messages. He answered a few of them with his gratitude asking the girls to be patient until next week when he could host again, Kyoya could see the notifications popping up on his phone screen.
Kyoya was surprised to see Hikaru stand by his decision to continue hosting. He took the job very seriously as he and Mori made cup after cup of coffee. The two of them stood at the table in the middle of the room, demonstrating the process of doing it by hand. It was certainly mesmerizing to see hot water poured slowly and surely over the ground and to watch it drip into the cup below. The air was filled with the aromatic and bold coffee. Kyoya could close his eyes and imagine he was in a cafe, a very good sign of immersion. He hoped to do this again before he graduated in April.
The rest of the hosts served the food and chatted with the girls. Kyoya did the same, but his mind was elsewhere. He wondered if Kaoru was at home in bed by now. He hoped so. Kaoru needed to relax for a few days, though Kyoya knew better. He was probably going to internalize a lot of what happened today and not talk about it. As much as Kyoya thought Kaoru needed to see a therapist or someone certified to help, he knew he had to give Kaoru space. It wasn't Kyoya's decision whether or not Kaoru saw someone. Though, he couldn't stop wishing. Kyoya recognized something had happened and maybe it was why Kaoru carefully redirected conversations and avoided talking too much about himself. It may explain why Kaoru never did talk to Hikaru about his sexuality until now, and even then it was only to come out. Kyoya wanted to know what Kaoru was hiding.
It was a pretty self-absorbed wish to know everything about Kaoru, but Kyoya argued to himself that it wasn't out of personal curiosity. He wanted only the best for him. Kyoya struggled with the balance between pushing Kaoru to what he thought was right and letting Kaoru have his deserved autonomy. Not to say Kaoru ever said Kyoya was too pushy or too involved. Perhaps, it was a fear of Kyoya's that he might smother Kaoru unintentionally. His emotions often got the best of him around Kaoru and made him act so irrationally that Kyoya questioned a lot what he did for the Hitachiin. He questioned how intense the emotions were, if this was normal.
Of course, he might have found it funny how cliche it was. But to experience falling in love with his friend like something out of a rom-com, Kyoya finally understood how wonderfully awful it was. Yet, no rom-com could ever prepare him for the minefield of being in a relationship, especially an undefined one.
"So, Kyoya-senpai, you said that the club might do this again?" Aya-san asked.
Kyoya snapped his attention back to the present. He smiled at the short-haired girl, "Yes, of course. We're planning to do a much larger cafe event next year sometime."
"Oh, how wonderful!" She melted under Kyoya suave words. "I hope Kaoru-kun can come next time!"
"Indeed." Kyoya purred, trying to cover how sick he felt. He sat a cup of coffee in front of Aya-san while her and her friend chatted. "Would you like something to eat, mademoiselle?"
Aya-san nodded and asked for Hani-senpai's recommendation for dessert.
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Kyoya locked the door to his room and leaned against the door. His eyes were tired and his head began to pulse with the dull ache of an oncoming migraine. He was back in his school uniform after wrapping up the event, but his skin craved something soft and comfortable. There was work to do, yet he had no drive to do it. He was exhausted.
On the the coffee table in front of his couch, university magazines and brochures were piled up in messy stacks. He didn't want to think about going through them now. Eventually, he would have to apply somewhere, but that was a job for another day. Right then, Kyoya had his mind on his bed. He stripped his clothes lazily from his body and threw them into the hamper inside one of the many doors to his closet system. He hesitated, his thought about taking a shower abruptly stopped. A hand gently touched the boxes of cufflinks stacked inside one of the shelves. Kaoru's birthday note and the sketch were folded neatly on top.
Kyoya knew it might have been strange to be standing there completely nude while touching Kaoru's gift. However, when he reached out to them, it was comforting. It was a reminder of their connection; modest, yet deep and meaningful.
He sighed and pulled his robe and a towel out, leaving the closest door open. He needed to wash away all of what went on today.
AN: For those who skipped, Kaoru has a panic attack and relives a memory where a group of assholes rough him up for being "supposedly" gay.
This isn't going to be a super heavy fic so please don't get the wrong idea. This chapter will probably be the worse of the panic attacks.