Chapter Twenty
When morning came, Kaiba grumbled before getting himself out of bed. He could remember most of the night before, but it was still rather hazy in his mind. He remembered enough to realize he'd had sex, but none of the rest of his night made him feel too happy about what had happened. He felt really stupid, and groggy. Embarrassed, too. He'd managed to drink a quarter of a bottle of sake alone in his study before deciding to resolve his situation with Jonouchi by inviting him into his bed.
At least Jonouchi had enough sense to alter Kaiba's original plans, but still. Kaiba hated the fact that he caved into his most base desires, but he also wanted the interaction. Needed it, at this point. He wasn't sure what he'd do if Jonouchi decided to just drop off the planet.
However, Kaiba didn't want to think too much about that. He'd already promised himself that he wouldn't get too deeply involved in the relationship, if he could even call it that, and Jonouchi wasn't a suitable long term investment, anyway. It was illogical to humor that trail of thinking.
No, Kaiba needed to focus on getting himself out of the bedroom and back to work. Pulling the sheets off and ignoring the still sleeping Jonouchi next to him, he got into the bathroom and shut the door before getting under the shower and letting the lukewarm water wake him out of his hangover. Kaiba's muscles felt crampy, and he wanted something to drink, but at least he didn't feel like throwing up. Hopefully after some coffee, he could regain some composure and return to the office without appearing worse for wear.
Getting out of the shower, Kaiba took his damn time preening in front of the mirror. His hair was a tangled mess and he worked on combing it out of the knots from sleeping badly the night before. Then he shaved before picking more at his appearance, noticing the apparent dark circles under his eyes.
Was he finally starting to age? God, he hoped not.
His breath was stale. Sake was so bad for him, but Kaiba routinely drank it anyways. He'd have to drink several glasses of water to flush out his system. Taking out mouthwash after brushing his teeth, Kaiba rinsed himself several times until he couldn't taste the alcohol anymore.
Checking a clock, he realized that he was almost an hour late. Rushing out of the bathroom in just a towel around his hips, Kaiba got dressed in the closet before disappearing with his briefcase and heading down to the dining room for a quick breakfast.
As cowardly as it was, he didn't want to speak to Jonouchi that morning.
Jonouchi didn't wake up until he heard the bedroom door closing. He sat up, slightly panicked and distraught as he looked to the doorway. From the state of the room, it seemed that Kaiba had just left. He hadn't even said anything.
Jonouchi sat quietly with the sheets still covering his lower body, his elbows resting on his thighs. He didn't know how much Kaiba remembered about the night before. It was enough for him to leave without saying shit, but not enough for him to kick Jonouchi out entirely. That wasn't very easy to gauge by, but at least it meant there was a tiny chance Jonouchi could approach him to talk over it.
He got out of bed and stumbled to the bathroom to get a quick shower. He had nowhere to go and no reason to get gussied up, but he wanted the residue of sweat and dried cum off his skin. He remembered Kaiba drunkenly saying that cum on his back was sexy. At the time, it had made him feel really good. Even a little giddy.
Now he wasn't sure what to feel over it.
Finding a towel, Jonouchi dried himself off before fishing a spare toothbrush out from under Kaiba's bathroom cabinets. He ran across the dildo from the night before and scoffed. He'd had a great time. Jonouchi couldn't deny that, under any circumstances. But he felt a little resentful, after everything that had been said and done.
Sighing, he stood with the toothbrush, finding some paste and began to brush his teeth quickly. He wanted to catch Kaiba before he left, but he didn't want to offend him with morning breath, either. When he was finished, he found his boxers and then quickly dashed to the guest bedroom, hoping that none of the housekeeping would see him running through the place almost naked.
When he was finished getting dressed, Jonouchi made his way downstairs. If he was lucky, Kaiba was still eating breakfast. Usually he'd take forever and a half to eat, and Jonouchi had performed his morning ritual quickly. He entered the dining room and fortunately found Kaiba at the table, sipping a cup of coffee and glaring at his plate.
Jonouchi froze in the doorway. A small part of him didn't want to talk to Kaiba, and yet at the same time, he felt like he needed to. Things were really starting to become messy between them.
"Hey," Jonouchi greeted from the doorway, standing against the door a bit timidly. As timid as Jonouchi could be, anyway. More like guarded, in case Kaiba happened to be in a really bad mood. They both went to bed angry, and Jonouchi knew better than to assume that Kaiba had gotten over it through sleep.
"You're still here?" answered Kaiba back.
"Of course I'm still here," Jonouchi replied, feeling his body temperature rise from the animosity hidden in Kaiba's voice. Great. "I wasn't going to leave without saying goodbye to you. I know the night didn't end on a good note, but I'm not going to hold a grudge."
Kaiba was still drinking coffee and picking at his food, glancing at Jonouchi with a slight glare before stirring his drink. There wasn't much for breakfast; just toast and some fruit with butter and jam. How Kaiba managed to run on so little, Jonouchi would never know. He'd at least want some meat in the morning. Or eggs.
"I am in a rush right now, Jonouchi. If you're hungry, the cook can get you something in the kitchen and the driver will send you whatever you want to go. I'm driving myself to work, and I don't have time for socializing."
"Are you really that mad?" Jonouchi was slightly taken aback, and pressed himself against the door. "I didn't want to make you upset, Kaiba. I was being a tad irrational last night, I know I shouldn't have said some of the stuff I said to you. Give me a break, it happens sometimes."
He stayed there against the door, determining that it was the best place to be until he could assess the situation. He was more the type to act on impulse usually, but with Kaiba angry with him, it was a bad idea to push his luck.
"...Will you at least talk to me?" Jonouchi asked. It was probably better to check first, even if he was going to talk regardless. "I know you're running late, but it's not like you have a boss to worry about upsetting."
"What is there to talk about?" asked Kaiba, looking at Jonouchi pointedly, "You're still seeing Kitamura, I remember that much of last night. I tried to help you out of that situation, but you just used me, Jonouchi. How am I supposed to feel about that? You proclaim to love me, but did you ever stop to think that maybe you just want me for sex, too?"
Jonouchi felt stunned by those words, his temper beginning to flare up. He couldn't really deny all of what Kaiba said, but he was still wrong about most of it. He could have done better to avoid the situation entirely, if Jonouchi hadn't caved to Kaiba's sexual requests. He leaned quietly against the door while he thought of what he should say.
"I can't do much but apologize," Jonouchi offered, "I wasn't trying to deceive you Kaiba, but things are more complicated than you know. You have no idea what it's like to be around Kitamura, what kind of insane influence he has over me. I try hard to fight it, but he just gets me into these situations and I don't know how to get out.
"But last night wasn't my fault. I even told myself the last time we were together that I would stop having sex with you because of him, but last night you came after me... I'm not taking the blame for that. I'm not that strong."
He sighed. How pathetic was it that he couldn't just tell Kaiba to piss off? A bad combination of not wanting to disappoint him, and having terrible self-confidence, he supposed. There was only so much he could resist, and Kaiba was hard to say no to even when he wasn't being so forward.
Kitamura wasn't the only man who had undue influence over him.
"I fucked up by not telling you, Kaiba. I'm sorry for that. I really am."
Kaiba just rolled his eyes and continued sipping his coffee, crossing his leg under the table. Jonouchi wanted to smack him for being a jerk after he apologize, but that wouldn't really help any. It had been apparent to him for a long time that Kaiba had a mean streak; it just hadn't been directed at him in what felt like a long time.
"I shouldn't have expected any less from you, honestly," replied Kaiba cooly.
Jonouchi felt stung, but he approached the table and sat down anyway. He didn't intend to leave if he could help it.
"That is a really fucked up thing to say to me," Jonouchi replied, "I won't make excuses for still seeing Kitamura. I don't really have any. You know by now that I don't have everything in my life so neatly figured out like you do, so give me a break. I'm still trying."
Kaiba's words were hostile, but his body language was escapist. Jonouchi knew how Kaiba was when he was well and truly sick of someone, and this wasn't it. He was just upset. And instead of actually showing his true feelings, he was deflecting and being angry. Well, Jonouchi could understand that. He'd done it plenty when he was younger.
"I wanted to tell you, Kaiba." Jonouchi sighed. "But last night was not the time. I was really hopeful though that maybe we'd reached some kind of understanding between us. Even though you were drunk... I was going to tell you."
It was pretty clear last night that Kaiba hadn't given a fuck about much of anything he was saying while he was trashed. It had made Jonouchi distressed now, knowing that he thought so many things that he was keeping from Jonouchi while sober. Finding out that Kaiba hadn't thought much about his true feelings... well, that wasn't wholly surprising, but it still hurt. A lot.
"Understanding of what exactly?" demanded Kaiba. "I never gave you any indication that I wanted something more than a friendship with you, Jonouchi. I was only offering sex because you had been begging for it in the past, and nothing else. If you took that for something entirely different, well, let me just clear that up for you now. I'm not asking for anything more than what you were so willing to give these past nights.
"But forget it, I'm not even interested anymore. Not if it's going to turn into some emotional drama like I first assumed it would."
"That didn't bother you much last night," Jonouchi scowled, "You seemed pretty keen on having me around, with or without sex. Just because you're sober enough to realize I was making sense now doesn't give you any high ground over me."
Jonouchi had told Kaiba the night before that it was a bad idea. In hindsight, Jonouchi probably should have tried to avoid fooling around at all and just escaped to the guest bedroom... he would have if Kaiba hadn't been so adamant about them being together. Not that he regretted the sex itself, but the emotional repercussions were staggering. They wouldn't be in this situation if Jonouchi had just left Kaiba to get over his drunken horniness alone... Or loneliness. Whatever he was going through, Jonouchi no longer wanted to be apart of the solution for him.
"I would have just shut you out like I wanted to in the first place," Jonouchi muttered, "But I wasn't prepared to have you drag me to your bed and come after me that hard. I didn't even think you were that interested. You might think I deceived you, but you keep plenty of secrets from me, Kaiba."
Kaiba snorted, but didn't reply to any of that. He just worked on getting his toast dressed before stuffing it into his mouth and staring at his black coffee.
Jonouchi watched Kaiba for a few moments, noting his deliberation. Kaiba didn't usually eat as quickly as he was getting through his toast. He kept staring into his coffee, but didn't take sips of it between every bite like he usually did. He seemed so completely off that it was almost funny.
"You probably don't remember," Jonouchi spoke, knowing Kaiba heard him even if he wouldn't speak, "But last night, you kept telling me to break up with Kitamura so I could have sex with you without feeling guilty. I don't know if you said it because you were horny, or because you were concerned about me, or both. That wasn't why I wouldn't do it, though.
"I said no because you just want me for sex and 'company' as you put it, but that's it. I'm flattered that you like having me around, Kaiba, and I'm glad you're attracted to me, really I am. But that's not enough. It won't be any better for me to let you get your kicks from me while I'm desperately in love with you than to continue seeing Kitamura and be humiliated by him. There's no real difference between those two things. Seeing you like that would be no less shitty than what I'm dealing with now."
Jonouchi sighed, feeling tingly in his chest. It was hard being sincere. Getting lashed at when he was joking was bad enough, much less if he was spilling his guts.
"I'm not going to do that. I'm trying to do something about Kitamura, but I'm not going to do it for your benefit.
"That said, you can stop brooding over there and acting like it's going to make me disappear. I'm not some spirit you can wish away. I'm still your friend, and furthermore, I do really love you. So you're stuck dealing with me, sorry."
He sat and waited to see if Kaiba would say anything. He was starting to feel hungry, and there wasn't a plate for him yet. Jonouchi glanced at Kaiba's now ignored coffee, which he took for himself. After adding milk and sugar, it was no longer black. Jonouchi picked up the mug boldly, cautiously tipping it and taking a very small sip of the creamed and sweetened drink. It was far more tolerable now. It was almost like a dessert.
Jonouchi snatched little bit of Kaiba's food for himself too right after drinking. He knew it was rude, and Kaiba might smack his hand bitchily for it, but he was hungry. And they were still friends, otherwise Jonouchi would have been kicked out on his ass already.
"You give me a headache," mumbled Kaiba, pushing his plate away as he watched his food being snatched from under him like it was the most normal thing in the world to do, "And I wish you'd just leave already."
"If you really didn't want me here, you would have kicked me out already," Jonouchi grinned before snatching another piece of Kaiba's breakfast. He was doing it more to keep Kaiba talking than anything now. His stomach was satisfied enough that he could wait for more. "You don't want me to leave. You're just being sour because I finally told you off. Don't make such a face about it, I'm not picking on you. I think it's very sweet, almost."
He snickered and left Kaiba's plate alone for the time being.
"I'm anything but sweet... You can have the rest of that too, I don't want it anymore."
"Why not?" Jonouchi wrinkled his nose. "Because I touched it? I didn't give it cooties or anything, promise. I even washed up before I came down here. Besides, all I've touched since last night is myself and you. And you've had both on your mouth before and never complained about it."
Jonouchi smirked as he took the plate anyway. Kaiba wasn't going to eat it, he knew that. He was such a spoiled rich boy sometimes. Kids in Jonouchi's neighborhood wouldn't waste food like that. What a luxury that must be. Not eating something because of imagined contamination.
Although Kaiba had been poor before. Clearly the experience didn't leave much of an impact on him.
"Now that you're done trying to glare me away," Jonouchi spoke after a few bites, using Kaiba's discarded knife for jam since he had none of his own, "Can we be friends again?"
"Can that really work out when you want more than that?" Kaiba asked seriously as he glanced up at Jonouchi's eyes, "I am not looking to be with anyone for the foreseeable future, so if you can't handle that, then we certainly can't continue on like before. I don't see the point in hanging around each other if it's just going to make you miserable."
Jonouchi averted his eyes momentarily, looking down at the plate. He didn't want to lose Kaiba's friendship. It meant too much to him.
"I can handle just being your friend if you don't come after me again so hard," Jonouchi smirked, "I can control myself. I can even stop myself from chasing you... I won't like it, but I can do it."
He ate what was left on the plate. How did Kaiba survive on so little food? Jonouchi was going to need more once he got home. His stomach was grumbling.
"I do want more than a friendship with you, but I can't have it," Jonouchi spoke clearly. "That's easier to live with than having sex with you and pretending to have something I don't. I'm not as resilient to that shit as I thought I was."
"You should have fallen for somebody else better."
"No, I shouldn't have," Jonouchi refuted this matter-of-factly, "I made a fantastic choice by you, if you can call falling in love a choice. The shitty thing is that you don't feel as strongly as I do, but that kind of thing happens. At least you're not kicking me out."
Given the situation between them, it seemed more likely to Jonouchi that Kaiba was purposely stopping himself from getting into a romantic situation with him. Based on how he felt about sex and romance, it seemed unlikely that he wouldn't have some kind of feelings by now. It seemed like much more than just claims of 'like' when Kaiba was trying to seduce Jonouchi while drunk. Knowing better than to start another fight, Jonouchi chose not to call Kaiba out on it, since it would only piss him off and likely make him more determined to resist this true feelings.
"Are you really going to leave Kitamura?"
Kaiba stared Jonouchi down, taking his coffee back before drinking the majority of it. He didn't like what was going on, it felt bad to him. Like he was leading Jonouchi on, only he didn't see this happening. Not really. Honestly, he thought it was only a crush, and it would go away with time.
"I'm trying to cut it loose," Jonouchi muttered, tapping the pad of his index finger against the table distractedly, "It's really fucked up and complicated, but I'm trying. I don't want to put up with it anymore..."
Yet he continued to do so. Jonouchi couldn't understand himself. It seemed that his determination to put an end to things was easily deflated, and he hated that. He'd never been so beholden to someone before.
"... I'd just be very disappointed in you if you still saw him after all of this," mumbled Kaiba under his breath.
"Sometimes you disappoint me, too," Jonouchi spoke a bit harshly before he could stop himself, and immediately felt bad over saying it. He checked himself before he continuing,"I'm sorry. I'm just being a dick. Don't worry about him, Kaiba. I'm glad you care, but don't get too concerned. This is just something I'll have to fix myself."
Jonouchi didn't like being so sour. It wasn't like him. Sometimes he would have rather cruel thoughts and uncomfortably dry humor, but it was always in his head and never things he would actually say. At least, not since he grew up after leaving the gang. He felt like he was letting everything get to him too much. Like it was some kind of infection on his personality. The last thing Jonouchi wanted was to regress back into that person he didn't like.
"Why would you be disappointed, anyway?" Jonouchi asked, raising an eyebrow curiously. "Are you just that worried about me?"
"Should I be?" asked Kaiba in a serious tone.
"Not anymore than usual," Jonouchi laughed, but it wasn't as cheerful as it should have sounded.