When I grow up I want to be empathetic.
Elizabeth dismounted and went to sit on a rock.
They had stopped outside the woods so that the rear, or what was left of it, and whoever was still inside could easily see them.
The previously established meeting point was turning out to be calmer than Elizabeth imagined and she was finally able to take a moment to breathe.
The terrible feeling she had in her chest kept increasing from the moment Levi went to pick up the rest of the team and it didn't seem to diminish. On the contrary, it made her short of breath.
Hange put a hand on her shoulder, smiling slightly at her to comfort her but saying nothing.
The team leader knew perfectly well that she didn't need to say anything.
The Vice Captain didn't know what to think. That mission had been a huge failure on all fronts and lives were thrown away for nothing; for a titan that they had not even managed to capture and that, probably, at that moment could be among her team.
The noise of the hooves came from the direction Levi was supposed to be coming from, but when she turned there she found only the Captain with too many corpses in tow.
Some men were carrying a wagon with bodies already wrapped in brown cloth, stained with blood and slightly smelly from the condition in which they found themselves.
"Where are the others?" Elizabeth asked still shocked, her voice was flat and apathetic and that vision broke the captain's heart. She was already upset about the mission but now he was about to give her the worst news of all, the one he never wanted to give her.
Levi couldn't look her in the face. Shortly before he had taken care to take the coat of arms from their jackets and at that moment they began to weigh as if they were stones.
He knew very well how much she cared about them, they had been a second family to her, the one she had never had, and that same mission had now snatched them away from her without her being able to do anything to avoid it. And he was too late to stop it.
He didn't even know how to feel. He wanted to hold Elizabeth tight to him and take all the pain off her but he couldn't do it yet.
"Levi." she repeated almost pleadingly on seeing that the captain made no sign of giving her an answer. But it was his gaze that gave her an answer, because it was even darker than usual and it wasn't difficult for her to understand what had happened. Asking it had been useless, she understood it very well, but she was only looking in vain for the hope that she was wrong, that they were just left behind and that they weren't inside those damned sheets. "I understand... Is Eren at least alive?"
"Yes, he's on a wagon. He's resting." Levi answered looking up at her.
He had just destroyed her without saying anything.
"Good."
Levi knew that what he was about to say would be useless but it was, instead, proof that, contrary to what everyone thought, he was not heartless and emotionless.
"I'm sorry Liz."
Elizabeth took a deep breath, trying not to cry. Her voice trembled and her left hand with it but she could not show herself weak in front of those who were now her subordinates. Not in the middle of an ongoing mission. "You are hurt."
The Captain did not think she had noticed it but her searching eye had not spared even that detail that he was struggling to hide.
Mikasa, next to the cart on which a sleeping Eren had been placed, looked at them for a few moments before concentrating on her friend again, feeling sorry for her.
"I'm fine. I haven't done anything."
The Captain took a step closer to her, feeling her breath on his skin but dared not fill it the distance between them; he had to hold back, it wasn't the right time and he couldn't even risk their positions. The only thing he wanted at the moment was to go back and hold her in his arms.
"I can't even find anything to say." she murmured, looking right into his gray eyes, the only grip to which to cling at the moment.
Her heart had stopped.
Her mind began to blame herself for the plan, for not being more honest with them and not being more opposed to keeping them in the dark about the plan.
They had embarked on a mission blindly, without even knowing who they were fighting against, and that bastard had taken advantage of it, taking them by surprise.
She had never grown so fond of other people and had never considered anyone of the same importance as Max.
For her brother death had come differently, the pain was such as to prevent her from breathing but she was already prepared. She knew he was on his way to his death.
But for theirs... she wasn't ready in the slightest.
And the worst part was that even that terrible feeling in her chest had dissipated.
The two overheard a discussion nearby.
Elizabeth cursed her own empathy.
She was able to perceive all the pain that everyone felt inside their soul, combining it with her own and increasing the load even more. She wanted to go back and avoid someone having to suffer the death of a friend, a companion, but it was not possible. They could only go on.
Erwin had his eyes completely blank; he too felt that they had failed and did not want to go back within the Walls just to avoid the looks and screams of all those people who would have blamed them for the number of those who had fallen, as if they had killed them. As if he had brandished the sword that killed them.
One boy in particular seemed determined to do yet another pain-induced nonsense by arguing with another companion right in front of Erwin.
"We have to retrieve them, Ivan's body was only a few steps away from us!"
"The titans were surrounding us, we would only have risked further losses!"
"In that case it would have been enough to kill them all!"
Elizabeth shook her head; she fully understood, however, that to save the life of a loved one you would be willing to do the impossible.
"Ivan and I are childhood friends from the same village, I know his parents. If nothing else I'd at least like to bring him home!"
Levi looked at Elizabeth for a moment, as if to make sure she was ready to resume her task at least until that damned day was over. They approached the two while the Commander was still listening to them in silence, without the slightest desire to argue.
"Quarreling children..."
Levi clenched a fist; what he was about to say would not only hurt the two of them but also his woman and hurt her was the last thing he wanted. Yet she was smart enough to know it was necessary, the truth, and not addressed to her personally. "If you confirmed he's dead that's enough. Whether or not you have a body, dead is dead. It doesn't change a thing."
"That's..." the soldier looked at him indignantly and Erwin took matters into his own hands.
"We'll say Ivan and the other are missing. That's my final decision. Leave it all that."
Elizabeth swallowed, holding back her tears and just followed Levi and Erwin in silence, but the soldier's voice still screaming at him hit her hard, managing to touch the only nerve she still had.
"You are not the only ones who have lost loved ones. Look around: everyone would like to bring someone back but the body isn't there, or it's so bad that it's not even watchable anymore. And do you think this attitude will bring him back? You have received orders, carry them out."
Elizabeth's voice was the coldest and frightened that had ever been heard, so much that even Levi was shocked for a few moments. The girl turned back to them to resume her position and no longer looked at the two.
"Since becoming vice captain have you forgotten what empathy is?"
"Hey Dieter you're getting too far ahead." his companion warned him, but it was Elizabeth's own voice that ended that conversation, making him feel guilty
"Do you think you're the only one who lost someone in that fucking woods?"
Elizabeth spoke no more.
They all set off again, in the direction of the Walls, in order to officially end the mission.
Elizabeth had been informed of the fight between Eren and the female titan, which is why he was so exhausted, but her ears listened very casually. The only thing she could think of was that there were no companions behind her on the march.
A red flare was fired into the air, breaking the apparent tranquility that had arisen and Erwin ordered them to accelerate with a direct shout.
"I don't see any tall trees or buildings. It will be difficult to fight out here." Levi asserted confidently, riding alongside the Commander.
"We're better off trying to outrun them to Walls." Erwin answered, thus giving the captain and his vice freedom to act, whom he called with a nod of the head.
The blonde moved the horse's reins, prompting it to retreat to the end of the column, where she clearly saw the same soldier who was previously arguing, now running towards them with three titans in tow and a corpse on horseback with him. That had to be Ivan...
"What an idiot." Elizabeth commented sourly as they picked up the pace she was holding at the end as some soldiers thought about what to do.
"I'll circle behind them, when I draw their attention you..."
"No." Levi stepped between them, tightening the bridle harder. "Just abandon the corpses otherwise they'll catch us."
"B- but..." the soldier hesitated.
Elizabeth did not find the courage to look at the captain, although she fully agreed with him. Yet she couldn't sit still, she needed to move and do something, even the most stupid thing.
"On past expeditions dozens of bodies never made it back. There guys will be no different."
Even if they were for Elizabeth. But he couldn't play favoritism.
"But captain..." a soldier tried to fight back but Elizabeth threw them all, including the captain, finally turning against them and screaming.
"You've heard the Captain's orders! Now move!"
The apathy that had struck the vice captain up to that point was soon replaced by anger and frustration.
"Damn..." Levi murmured, touching his pocket where he had put the badges of what was now his dead team. She had taken them for her, so that she could remember them as she had done in keeping, of all possible things, her brother's jacket after his death.
But that idiot was putting everyone in danger for that fallen comrade, which showed how much he cared about him.
"What are we waiting for?" the soldier on the chariot unloaded the corpses, letting them jump on impact against the ground and then rolling towards the feet of the titans slowing them down, just as Levi had predicted, and making them gain ground.
In the act the cloth that covered them moved away, revealing their faces, and Elizabeth, who had allowed herself to look at them to honor their memory for the last time, could no longer hold back.
With her feet she climbed onto the horse's saddle, turning in perfect balance and activating the ODM Gear before anyone could even realize it.
"Vice Captain!" a soldier yelled at her, stopped by the captain who fully understood her.
She was devastated, she needed to do that thing, and he understood it right away, without stopping her; on the contrary, he just reached out and pulled her horse back to him, grabbing its bridle and holding it for her.
Obtained the green light from his doing nothing, the blonde hooked her device on the forehead of the first titan, using the remaining gas to advance to where he was and jump on his head.
Cut off the first nape, she launched himself on the second and then on the third with a ferocity never seen before.
She wasn't just killing them with a single sharp blow, she was torturing them; first by striking their eyes, then cutting their hands, causing them wounds upon wounds without giving them time to heal, and then striking at their weak point to leave them helpless on the ground.
Levi looked at her, he couldn't help but do it. That single gesture was enough to emphasize that he was equally supporting her, despite being completely dominated by her emotions at that moment. She needed to let off steam.
When he saw the last titan on the ground as well, Levi urged the horse to back away to join the blonde, under the shocked eyes of most of the soldiers. For the new recruits that was incredible, they had never seen such ferocity against them, not even Armin and Mikasa when a cannon was aimed at them.
The Captain stopped beside her, handing her the horse he had kept for her, and waiting for her to ride it, without ceasing to look at her.
What struck Elizabeth most was not seeing the slightest anger towards herself, but only so much sadness and sorrow.
"I'm sorry." she murmured, settling into the saddle and waiting for him to start marching to follow him, but he took a moment to be able to speak to her with no other ears to hear them.
"It's not necessary. You are right. Just... don't forget that I am there for you despite all of them."
The journey continued again as far as the entrance to the Walls, where the smiling and confident citizens who awaited them changed their tone completely as they saw their faces downcast. Many of them poured out sour words of reproach, while others looked at them equally with admiration and devotion for their work and still others prayed silently for the fallen in their lines. Because it was evident that the fallen were not few.
Elizabeth marched a little behind the Captain, without finding the courage to look at anyone.
Those faces now recognized her, they knew who she was and some, as she passed by, called her as if asking for explanations.
And what explanations should she have given them? That she had failed?
She just kept her head down and marched until they finally reached their destination. That was the worst part: that parade in the city was always the part she hated the most, all those faces looking at them and judging without knowing anything often got on her nerves.
A man approached the Captain and Elizabeth was strangely drawn to him. It reminded her somehow... of Petra.
"Captain Levi! My daughter is in your squad, I'm Petra's father. Before I see her I wanted to talk with you."
That sentence was a straight blow on the back of the head for Elizabeth, and the same for the Captain. Of all the people who could approach, did it have to be him?
"She sent me this letter, she said you respected her skills enough to allow her join your squad. She swore she'd to devote herself to you. Well, I guess she's too starry-eyed to consider her father's feelings."
Petra's father walked quickly, following the rhythm of the horse which Levi wanted to give a heel to spur him to run.
Elizabeth was right behind them and was listening to him.
Levi felt guilty. Not only had he lost his team but he was also allowing his woman to hear the last man she wanted to hear speak and just in view of that visit Petra had so insisted on making. She wanted Elizabeth to know him, present her to them as the sister she considered, and now they would have to tell him that she was one of the fallen that day.
"Anyway, as her father, I think it's still too early for her to marry, she's still so young, with so much left to experience. And then there's Vice Captain Elizabeth, sir. She defines her as a sister, writing to me that she would have liked to introduce her to me and in a certain sense I already consider her a daughter..."
If Levi had the strength to listen to him and to hold it all, Elizabeth couldn't, marching towards the Commander to get away from that conversation she didn't want to hear.
Back in the Captain's office, the girl didn't even stop at the desk.
She just backed up the papers she was supposed to fill out for her part of the report and headed for the room which, as Levi had confirmed, now belonged to her too.
With the promotion she had been given a small office with a personal bedroom but had not yet arranged her things there. That room had remained unused, preferring to enjoy the captain's company.
But she wasn't looking for him right now for that reason.
At that moment the only thing she wanted to do was throw out everything in her chest until she was completely drained, cling to him and share his pain.
She leaned her back against the door to the bedroom, unable to hold back any longer.
With the titans she had vented her anger but now the frustration remained.
She slowly slid down to sit on the ground and burst into tears.
Sobbing was the only thing that could be heard in the room and Levi could not stand still and look at her. Not anymore.
He took her in his arms, lifted her to her feet again and squeezed her tightly, sinking a hand into her hair so that she hid her face on his neck.
He didn't care that she was wetting his shirt collar, he just wanted to be able to take all those sensations out of her body and never make her feel pain again.
If he could, he would have taken it all for himself.
But he also knew it was the same for her.
She was not just being consoled but also holding him, as a foothold but also as a consolation for him who had lost his team.
He would never have told anyone but Levi was also fond of those people, they were the team that he had chosen, he had seen them grow as soldiers but also as people and not even he was ready for their death.
True, death was always around the corner for the task they had chosen to do, but that awareness didn't make the load any lighter.
The captain buried his face in her hair, inspiring the smell that made him feel at home, regardless of the fact that they were still dirty from the mission: For the first time he didn't care.
He let one tear run down his face, followed by a second, as if hoping she wouldn't notice.
But by now she had become part of him and, as if she had seen him, despite the impossibility given by her eyes closed, she squeezed him even closer from his back, opening her palms as if to help him in the enterprise.
Levi did not know how much time passed, whether a few minutes or hours but after a while he heard her stop crying and the sobs dissipate leaving only a slight tremor on her shoulders, which he began to caress delicately.
The blonde moved her face to raise it slightly and make it match his, with the tips of their noses barely touching but her eyes too broken to consider that embrace something romantic. He raised a hand to wipe her cheek still streaked with tears.
"I know how much you cared about her, she was like a sister to you. I wanted to leave you their badges but that brat... " he began, trying to explain the gesture he had made a few hours before, but she stopped him for the moment, pulling a half smile and shaking her head. She wasn't ready to talk about it yet.
"Thank you."
"I'm sorry Liz." he repeated and this time he could do it by resting his forehead against hers and giving her all the support he wanted to give her before.
"I know. I'm sorry too." she replied closing her eyes and letting the whole world stop for them. But the hands still showed no sign of letting go the grip. "Undress me."
Levi swallowed, stroking her face one more time before bringing his hand behind her neck and pushing it against himself, bringing their lips together.
"Come here."
That night it didn't matter to play with her. He didn't want to.
That night he did not force slowness to torture her but to, like wolves, lick each other's wounds and lighten the load they carried on their shoulders.
He did not stop holding her even when she fell asleep, with another lonely tear that ran down her face and hands that pressed on his ribs as if afraid of seeing him go too.
And he silently swore to her, once again, that he would never leave her side.