Chapter 19: Hospital
"Charlie, you know how she is, she's always been clumsy. I'm sure she just forgot how to breathe." Jacob chuckled standing nearby to my father. It was still black, I couldn't see them, but I could hear their voices. But where was Alice? She promised. She promised to come back, surely Alice wouldn't break that. But Edward promised to love me and he left me too, why should I believe Alice wouldn't break her promise either?
"You sure she was acting okay? She's seemed to be fine lately with you being around. I thought she was finally getting back on her feet again." I could hear the grief in Charlie's voice. It hurt me that he felt so much pain when it came to my mental health. He is my father anyway, but he's never been so engrossed in my life before. He's always been stand by, and never wanted to take too much interest. He found it better to not involve himself in things like this, it kept him sane. But, he's different these past few months since-he- left, and I guess that could be my own fault.
I never really gave much thought to how my actions affected Charlie. How my night torment affected him when he would wake me up from those beautiful dreams of Edward. I never knew I was crying, or screaming. I felt bliss in my dreams at times, and other times they reminded me he was gone. I thought hanging out with my old school friends again would've helped him stand back, and help put his mind at ease, or even me being around Jacob would help him. He's just as worried as ever.
The room was still black, but I could still hear my name being spoken between them, and there was still no beautiful shrill voice from Alice. My only connection to my beautiful family must have escaped and left me again.
Pain- my chest was on fire again, I could feel my lungs closing in, gasping for air.
"Bells, are you okay?" Jacob came over holding his hand against my cheek. I looked up at him and saw him for the first time peering over me with Charlie next to the hospital bed with his arms crossed. Oh, great. I was at the hospital. That's just perfect, having to explain another unexpected accident by Bella Swan to my friends from school. What would I say now? I had a panic attack from missing my boyfriend after all this time? What a coward I am.
"Bells, honey, it's your dad, can you hear me?" Charlie asked, rubbing his hand on my shoulder. "I think she's having a panic attack." Charlie discretely got in the way of Jacob's embrace against my cheek so he could be closer. I just wanted to get up, I want to get out of here. I caught my breath.
"Dad, I'm fine. Where's-" Jacob nudged me and cut my words off. He looked at me with a small smirk.
Charlie knelt down beside my bed and held my hand into his and looked up at Jacob with grief. "He's gone, Bells, he didn't make it. We are.. Uh.. having to set up the arrangements soon. And, whenever you're feeling better, maybe we could both prepare something like a casserole for the Clearwaters. I think that's what you make for those who are grieving." Charlie choked up a bit at the last word, I could tell he was hurt, that was his best friend. I completely forgot about Harry since Alice showed up at the house.
"Looks like I ought to make you a casserole, dad, I'm so sorry. I can't imagine." my words broke off, because I could imagine. I know what it's like to lose someone, to never see them again.
"Don't you worry about me, Bells. I can manage, I'm just worried about you right now, did you have one of your episodes, again. Are you okay? I'm no good in these situations, Bells, I'm sorry. Maybe we could see if there's someone we could get you to talk to?"
"No, dad I'm fine. Really.." I looked over at Jacob as his face fell looking over at the doorway to the hall. I let out a deep sigh and gave Charlie a half side smirk to lighten him up. He got back onto his feet and sighed as well.
"Are you sure you're feeling okay? I can get the doctor in here." he smiled at me, trying to force it for my own sake. "I should get them anyways, since you're awake. I guess I'll be back." Charlie left the room and patted Jacob on the back as he walked out. Jacob turned to look back at me, with a small sign of relief in his face. I guess I knew the answer.
"Where's Alice, Jacob?" The side of his mouth had a small hint of a smile trying to hide behind the grief.
"The blood sucker left. She said she had to go."
The pain hit me again, a stab in the chest. Not a clean cut like a knife would do, but an axe, or a giant mallet with a blade attached to it.
"Wha- what else did she say, Jacob? NO!" I shouted at him in a panic, "She couldn't have left. She promised she would come back! Did she-" My head was feeling dizzy again. I tried pushing myself up to a sitting position against the back of the hospital bed frame. Jacob leaned in to fix the pillow behind the small of my back and he looked at me again, the slight smile more noticeable now.
"She just said she had to go. She told me she's sorry and to let you know that she's even more sorry for coming back into your life or whatever."
I couldn't believe what he was saying. Why would she apologize for coming back? Why would that upset me? I wanted her back home. Even if it was just her that was back and none of the others, I would still feel more content. How could she possibly believe I wouldn't want her here?
"Did she say how I could get a hold of her? An email address? A land line? A burner phone? Anything? Jacob please tell me." I was feeling desperate and I found my nails bearing into the skin of his forearm. Jake didn't seem to notice but he definitely looked annoyed. He got away from my grasp and walked to the other side of the room, slouched against the wall.
I wiped my arm across my eyes, noticing I was crying. I looked down trying to hide my face from him. That was it, I was hurting my friend, again. And there's no way for me to not hurt him without shutting myself down.
"Jacob, I—"
"No. Stop," he held his hand up to me, quivering his lips. "I know I told you I don't expect you to show affection for me in that way. I understand you see me as just a friend, even though I don't believe it, but seeing you still cry over a few blood suckers? That's— that's just it, Bella." He lifted himself up off the floor, and turned himself against the wall, hitting is fist against it, startling me. He stood there for a minute leaning his head down.
"I didn't mean to upset you."
"I shouldn't be so surprised." He paused again, "I should just—-"
"Jacob, please don't leave." My face fell, the tears kept streaming down my cheeks as I tried to make the words, "You know I care—"
"Give it a rest, Bella. I'm not leaving. Just leaving the hospital. I need to go for a minute." He took in a few more breaths. It seemed he was trying to calm his own self down. He took another heavy sigh and continued. "But no, I would never leave you, Bella. I made you a promise, and I plan to keep that promise, unlike some of the types of filth that you appear to love so much."
"Jake, please—" But he already had left the room; turning down the hallway. After a few minutes, Charlie came back in asking what was wrong, but I didn't speak. I didn't know what to say that Charlie would even understand. Luckily the doctor came back in the room to break the awkward silence to tell us I should be fine, and to keep me at home for the next 24 hours to rest.
Following that night, I caught up with some early reading. Spring break was almost over and I might as well get caught up on the book assignments that I have been procrastinating. Books I've already read, but I wasn't as familiar with them since the last time I've read them. I ended up starting on the final paper that wasn't due for another few weeks, but it was best to do something to distract myself. I heard Charlie on the phone downstairs talking to Sue Clearwater I presume about the funeral arrangements for Harry. I feel bad that my little incident was getting in the way of an obviously more serious issue. Never really did get to talk to Charlie about it. But he didn't seem to be bothered by my lack of communication. He's used to dealing with this stuff on his own.
A few days have passed, and I haven't tried to contact Jacob and he hasn't tried to contact me. I hurt him, and I didn't know what to say to make him feel better. I can't expect him to understand. He's young, he hasn't been in love before. I don't know if in love is what I can describe what me and Edward had. It was more like we belonged together. I belonged in his world. I've always felt awkward and an outsider in my own. The days went by and I always felt unattuned to them, but in his world I felt alive. It was that feeling when a girl finally becomes an adult and is making her own way in life, making her own decisions. That confident feeling. That's what it was like being in their world, but even more. Of course Jacob couldn't understand that, he's always loved his life, and he's seemed to have very much gotten comfortable with his new one as of that. I just need to give him some more time, surely he won't leave me. I shouldn't hold him to his promise though, I have hurt him enough. I don't mean to, I love him. I've always loved him, but more as a brother. More as someone who is around to make me laugh. Like my closest friend, but maybe that's what relationships are. Your partner is supposed to be your best friend, the one you can feel comfortable around, the one that makes you feel normal, well in my case, almost normal.
Charlie has been home for these past few days. I keep urging him to go out fishing, I really don't need him around. I try to assure him I'm fine, but I'm sure my company also is good for him since Harry's passing. The funeral is in a couple of days on Saturday at the reservation grave site where many generations have been laid to rest as one could say. I've been making sure to meal prep his breakfasts and lunches so he's never having to eat a boring meal. Not that my meals are any kind of fine cuisine, but home cooked meals from me cheer him up. I've been prepping him egg and sausage breakfast burritos, along with BLT's and spaghetti for lunch. He mentioned the other day at the hospital that he wanted to bring the Clearwater's casserole, so I should probably look into some recipes online that they would enjoy. I found a few online that looked pretty appetizing. Broccoli and squash casserole with shredded chicken is a pretty comforting food. I used to make that for Thanksgiving with my mom, and we always enjoyed it.
I went over to my old computer, and sat there for a little while to wait for it to reboot. I sorted through a few pieces of mail on the desk of post cards my mom sent me. They were all from Florida, but I think she's just trying to coax me into seeing how great of a time she is having down there so that I would come too. I don't want to leave Forks, it's my home. It's where my life felt real for the first time. It's where Edward was, where my family was. But it's also the place they had left behind. Where they had left me behind.
The computer ended up booting up and I got an email from an unknown sender that doesn't have a return address.
Dear Bella,
I'm so sorry to have left you after I promised to come back. I had some things to deal with, and I made a mistake coming to see you. I can't say much more on the situation because it is not my place to, nor am I presumably allowed to. You're my sister, and you always will be, and I'm greatly sorry to have come back in your life. It was never my intention to hurt you this way, but I can see you will be fine —based on my future sightings of you — but please heed the warning that wolves are not good company to keep. They can be dangerous, so please be as careful as a Swan can be. I don't see your future causing you any trouble so far, but this will be the last time. Please forgive me,
Sincerely,
Alice Cullen.
P.S. Esme says she loves you immensely and she's so incredibly sorry.