"No..." I reach over and switch my bed side lamp on. I don't know how this will help, but my illogical mind seems to think it will make this conversation better. I find it difficult to speak around the lump in my throat. "Is Casey...is she..."

"She's still the same, Alex," Olivia says and I feel a wave of relief wash over me. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you think..."

I close my eyes and then open them again. I look down at myself and realize I'm still wearing the hospital scrubs.

"What happened? Why are you calling?"

"Casey's Mom had a heart attack last night. She has congestive heart failure, and with the stress of what happened to Casey...it was pretty bad." Olivia lowers her voice and then says, "she didn't make it, Alex."

I disconnect the call without even a proper goodbye to Olivia. I drop my phone onto the bed beside me and sink back into my pillow. I feel tears stinging at my eyes but I refuse to let them fall.

Why? Why is this happening? This is so unfair. How can Casey possibly deal with this right now? Does she even know?

This is all my fault; I know as much. I'm responsible for Casey being where she is, and for her mother being gone. I deserve the worst kind of punishment there is.

I have to live with this for the rest of my life. I can't think of any punishment worse than that.

I go to work the next day, despite MCCoy telling me to take a couple days off. I have to keep my outward appearance of a strong leader. I'm falling apart on the inside but I'm so good at hiding my emotions that I know no one will let on.

I stand in front of the mirror in the restroom at the office for about twenty minutes. I'm gripping the sides of the porcelain countertops, staring myself in the eyes. I don't recognize the person staring back at me. Her suit is perfectly tailored, hugging every curve. Not a hair is out of place. One might call her beautiful. I used to; I used to vainly stare at my reflection in this very mirror.

But I'm not beautiful anymore. The guilt has made me ugly and I know I'll never look in this mirror again and like what I see.

I feel like I'm on a reality show. Colleagues and staffers stare at me as I pass them in the hallways. They pause and look at me just long enough and I can hear whispers and variations of "I can't believe she's here."

Neither can I.

I'm on my way to Jack McCoy's office when something stops me. I stand still in place and a wave of panic and nausea washes over me.

The hallway is closed off by crime scene tape and I see a crime scene cleanup crew working. I turn away quickly. If there's any blood remaining I don't want to see it. I can't see it. I can't handle it again.

I feel a panic start to rise up inside me and I know I have to get out of here before I crumble. My hands are shaking and my breathing is become rapid as I rush toward the elevator.

Stay calm, Alex. Stay calm. You have to stay strong. You can do this.

"Alex," a voice calls out from behind me, effectively stopping me before I can reach the safe haven of the elevator.

I grip my briefcase with all my might and turn towards the owner of the voice. It's Jack McCoy.

"I thought I told you to take a couple days off." His tone is stoic and serious.

My rational mind is telling me to get out of here. To go to the hospital and check up on Casey and then go home and stay there. That's what I know I should do.

Instead, I react the way I always do when I know I'm wrong - I lash out. "Why wasn't the hallway cleaned up yesterday? Why are you making everyone come to work and see that?"

I know this is not Jack's fault. He doesn't deserve to be yelled at. My tone is harsh and my voice louder than I intend for it to be. I realize I'm beginning to have an audience but I don't care.

Jack's demeanor softens. "Alex..."

He takes a step towards me and I take a step back. I feel like an alien in my own body. I'm shaking and clutching my briefcase so hard that I'm losing feeling in my hands.

I've never felt what I'm feeling right now. I want to turn and run away but it's like I'm unable to send the message from my brain to my legs to make that happen. Instead I stand there, the pillar of strength and professionalism starting to crumble and fall.

"Why?" I repeat, louder this time. But I'm no longer talking about the cleanup and I think everyone knows. "She almost died for me. She might still die for me. And I don't deserve it. And now..."

I look away from Jack, to the faces of my colleagues and staffers and that stopped to watch Alex Cabot breakdown. Their faces all reflect pity and surprise.

I feel tears wanting to push their way out of my eyes and I choke them back. I can't let them see me cry. I have to get out of here.

I finally make myself turn away and I sprint down the hall, nearly colliding with some of my shocked colleagues. I hear people calling after me but I don't stop.

The tears are coming now. They are cascading down my cheeks and I can't stop them no matter how much I try. I can't stand and wait for the elevator in this condition so I run to the stairs, almost tripping and falling down. It's hard to run down stairs in heels but I manage to do it in record time.

It's not until I'm out of the building and in the safety of my car in the parking garage that I allow myself to fully break down. I smack my steering wheel angrily, furious with myself for not being stronger.

I can't remember the last time I cried. But I think I'm making up for lost time now. I lean against my arms on the steering wheel and sob. I sob for Casey, I sob for her mother and her passing, I sob for myself and the person I used to be. The person I will never be again.

I don't know how long I sit in my car crying but I only stop and pull myself together when my phone rings. I grab it from my purse and see that it's Olivia. I wipe my eyes and blow my nose and shakily answer the phone.

"Hey, it's me. You wanted me to call when the cardiologist arrived. He's here and it looks like they are going to do another surgery tomorrow. I've called Casey's brother. He's coming out to take care of the arrangements for their mom. He and Casey aren't close...he's gotten into some trouble with the law. But she certainly can't handle things right now and he had a right to know what happened."

"How..." I clear my throat. "How is she? Does she know about her mom? Have you seen her?"

"She's still in rough shape. They are keeping her pretty drugged so she's pretty out of it. I'm not sure if she knows what is going on. She's in and out of consciousness. I tried to visit, but..." she trails off and does a fast subject change. "I don't think now is the right time."

I can tell there's something she is holding back but I don't question her any further. I don't have the strength to. I tell her I will come to the hospital within the hour. I use the excuse of having to walk Casey's dog before I can come. Truthfully I just need time to pull myself together.

When I arrive at the hospital I'm almost instantly greeted by Olivia. Before I can get more than two words out, she says, "she's awake right now. The doctor just saw her. He said you can visit if you'd like."

I didn't expect to be faced with this decision right now. I have so much I want to ask Casey, so much i want to say to her. But I don't know how coherent she will be...and if she will even want to see me. And can I handle seeing her? Knowing that I'm responsible?

Olivia doesn't ask again. She pulls her phone out of her pocket and looks at it. "I have to go, Alex. Her brother should be here in a couple hours. Could you stay and talk to him? The surgery they are going to do tomorrow is risky...there's a chance she won't make it. He should be here for it."

I feel like I'm going to throw up but I manage to nod. "I will take care of it, yes."

Olivia nods and reaches out to touch my arm. She starts to walk away but suddenly stops. "And Alex - you should go see her. I think it might help you."

So do you think Alex will have the courage to visit Casey? If so, how will it go?