A/N: Life has been spectacularly hectic. Man, I hate being productive. I never get anything done ;)
Hope you enjoy and review :D
Reviewers:
Ototoi no Asa – Thanks. I've been waiting for it to come down to this small team for a while. And yeah, it'll be good to have some more Sazh in the story.
Deflow – Revenge will certainly be one of the team's driving factors. And the awakening of power will come soon. It's about time for Castea to start having her ass handed to her, yeah?
Guest – I know, I guess you could say that I'm just being accommodating :)
Guest – Interesting. I'll give it some thought. However, maybe you should give it a spin.
titus1994 – So sweet. It'd be nice for Lightning to have her powers back. Maybe in the future…
kissingdeath01 – Sorry it took so long. Thanks so much.
Guest – Thank you and I'm very happy to hear that you found it so captivating. I try my best.
MagnificentLies – Give it time…
Ivonnebagel12 – A straight shooter, I like that. I agonized over the Cass scene for a good while when I was originally plotting the story. He was killed by around four other people in two other situations before that one stuck. But Lightning was never the one to kill him. I really didn't want that rift between her and Hope to happen at this point in the story, as it no doubt would have. And as for Lightning, her's and Hope's growth in the story has always been as important to me as the main plot line. I'm ecstatic to hear that I'm doing well. Your in depth reviews are incredible. I truly appreciate you taking the time.
Guest – Here you go
LightPhantom742 – No worries, I'm just glad to still have you here. Funny you should bring up Sazh. He'll be gaining a stronger role now for quite a few chapters. And I know I could have done that Castea scene better, whether that's what you're suggesting or not. It lacked some of my usual finesse, but I meant to leave out some of those finer details. More about those soldiers will come up. Great to have you back!
Revised: December 2015
It had taken some serious convincing on Hope's part to get Lightning to sleep. He'd volunteered to take the next watch, though Lightning hadn't readily agreed. He needed the time to think, to process without being watched. He swore to her that it would be okay. It was only fair that he take over some of the burden as watch while they were out on Pulse. It wasn't easy, but he was finally able to sit in peace while the rest of his comrades slept.
The four were still in their little cave in the Argodian mountains. It had been three days since the event in Academia - since he'd been chased out and forced to leave like a scurrying mouse. Although Hope had been able to heal all of their injuries, the group had collectively decided to stay. They all needed their rest and the crystal shards weren't going anywhere. The time would allow them all to fully process what had happened and what was going to occur soon.
Hope knew the real reason why they were waiting. They were keeping an eye on him. They wanted to make sure that he was okay, that he wasn't going to do anything rash.
The extra time was unneeded. There was nothing a little more time hiding away in a frozen wasteland was going to fix. He was responsible for the deaths of so many. Time couldn't change that.
The glowing fire's light shimmered across the faces of his allies. He sat and stared at each of them, wondering how they could stand to stay with him.
Zalera wanted Yeul back. Hope knew that the warrior felt that protecting Yeul had been her one purpose in life. Without the seeress, Zalera was nothing. Just a useless wanderer without a family, without hope, without any ties to this world. Hope was her last chance, or so she had said. If she could protect him, devote herself to him, then she could bear with the pain - the pain of living without Yeul. Zalera needed Hope just as much as he needed her.
Sazh needed his son. The man's motivation had always been his son. Sazh would follow Hope to the ends of Pulse if it meant that he could get Dajh back. Any thoughts that Sazh cared about Hope, as a son or otherwise, were just delusions. Dajh was all the pilot needed. If he had to use Hope to get him, so be it. Hope wasn't Sazh's friend. He was a means to get to his son.
And Lightning... Hope grimaced as he turned his head away from her serene face.
Lightning had no one without him. It was like Zalera, in a sense. Lightning's world had always revolved around Serah. Without her, the role of the ward went to Hope. He was Lightning's purpose. Hope wasn't entirely sure why she had agreed to be with him. Maybe her affection was only meant to amuse him, keep him happy, so he wouldn't keep her from her need to protect. That's all their relationship was; she would always be the guardian and he her charge. The protector and the weakling who needed protected.
Slowly and quietly, Hope stood. He gave one last glance over the group before turning and walking to the cave entrance, his steps light and stealthy. He'd made it four steps out of the cave before he was stopped by a very low and chilling voice.
"And just where are you going?" Zalera was pissed. Did the kid think that he could just slink off? Going to do gods knows what, gods knows where? He was very much wrong. "Lightning's going to kill you. If I don't first."
"Please don't, Zalera." His voice was weary and tired. He couldn't handle much more. He just needed time to himself. He needed to think without their meaningless coddling and light words of comfort. Hope needed time away from their prying gazes and merciless staring. If he was going to be able to sort out his muddled thoughts, it was going to be by himself. "I need this. I can't be here. I just need to go. Just for a little while," he pled.
Hope's sapped gaze hit Zalera with pity. She could see so much pain inside of his striking green irises and felt herself give. Everything was hollowing him out. If some sort of resolution to this conflict didn't come soon, Hope Estheim would be nothing but a shell of the once great man they'd all known.
"I'll be right back."
Even so, she couldn't just let him wander off by himself. He wasn't in his right mind and he couldn't really protect himself in such a state. Or want to... She didn't quite understand his desire for space. When she'd lost her village, she didn't want to be alone. Because when she was alone, she realized how much she'd truly lost. That the people she really wanted to see, would never come back.
He'd apparently gotten to know the Pulsian a lot more than he had thought. Conflicted viridian eyes stared back at him and he could feel her speculation, her words that were being tossed around in her head. She didn't trust him to go off by himself. She didn't understand his pure need to get away before his sanity was completely shredded apart.
That loaded stare was one of the main reasons he had to get out. He couldn't stand it anymore. Whether she got it or not, he had to leave. "I will be right back," he reiterated with some force. Zalera didn't need to understand, she just had to give him some time. He needed to find a way to fix what had been done. He couldn't do that around them.
Zalera's tense form slowly relaxed. She couldn't keep the kid at her side at all times. He wasn't a prisoner. She had no right to make him stay. Firefly's going to have my head. "You don't go too far," she demanded. "And if you aren't back within the hour, I'm hunting you down and our next chat won't be nearly as pleasant."
Hope nodded while a small smile graced his lips. An hour was more than enough time. "Thank you."
Hope walked away, Zalera watching as his form diminished in the distance. She was stupid. It was foolish to let him walk away. She was gambling with Hope's life by letting him go.
She trusted him, but her trust only extended so far. She knew what grief did to people. It was like a never-ending chasm that led only to madness.
Hope stood in the snow as it fell down upon him. It laid thickly around him, almost swallowing him as it came to just under his waist. He could feel the cold wind biting at his skin, the icy flakes nipping at him as harsh gusts pulled at his body. Bitterly, Hope thought about that leading to his end. Hope Estheim, the great destroyer of the world, killed by the cold. He would almost accept that fate too. If not for the fact of his l'Cie powers being so strong.
It appeared that not even his brand would let him go. Even as he stood in the frigid air, he could feel an intense warmth radiate from the inner core of his mark, spreading throughout his body. His l'Cie powers would keep him alive throughout their stay in the mountains. It appeared that he couldn't even choose his own death. His brand held all the power.
The snow continued to drop around him, on him, and he felt only numb. Numbness welcomed him from the pain and the anguish. He couldn't stand it anymore, so the snow brought him a morbid sense of peace. Instead of feeling the harshness of the world, he would feel nothing.
He felt nothing as he drew his gunblade from the holster on his back. He felt nothing as he tugged up his dirty sleeve. He felt nothing as his blade dug into his skin, tearing at his flesh. His beloved weapon sank its teeth into his arm at his command. Hope hardly flinched. He was passed the pain. He'd given up on it.
The large chunk fell from him with a loud squelch. A brand-less arm was left in its wake. Hope stared at the exposed veins, tissue, and muscle and smiled. He felt... human again. The brand's hold on him no longer existed. His destiny was no more. Without his mark, he was just Director Estheim. He was just a man. He was just Hope.
It wasn't until Hope felt a sudden tug at his arm that his triumphant smile fell. The skin began to regrow. His arm was healing on its own. Hope shook his head frantically, attempting to will away his body's apparent automatic response to his actions.
Nothing changed. Not even as he dug his fingers into his arm, tugging, ripping the newly formed skin away. It didn't stop.
A fierce wave of pain overcame him then, bringing Hope down to his knees, the snow showing him its unending hospitality. How it betrayed him.
The silveret grit his teeth and took shallow gasps of air as the agony felt unreal. The pain brought with it flashes of his time in the Ark and the sharp sting of bile in his throat. The vomit came up, splashing onto the snow, small traces of blood lining it. His head spun and he fell over into the icy fluff.
This was where he would die. This would be his end. Just let me go. The world would be far better without Hope Estheim. Everyone would be safe.
Minutes that registered like ages in his drifting mind went on until his gaze fell upon his left wrist where he was met with his l'Cie mark staring mockingly back at him. He would never be rid of it. His brand was a part of him, just like his cruel fate to end the world.
Zalera was shoved back against the wall once again, Lightning's forearm keeping her in place. The soldier pushed all of her weight against her, assuring little movement. Not that Zalera really wanted to struggle. There was no real point to. Lightning had to get her anger out and she had been stupid enough to let Hope go off by himself. For that, this treatment was deserved.
"After everything he went through, you just let him run off!" barked Lightning, pushing the Pulsian woman harder into the stone wall. "And on unprotected territory of Pulse, no less. Castea could be lurking around every corner. What is wrong with you? What if he gets lost? What if he gets hurt or taken? We have no way of contacting him out here. We have no working comms. Are you really that much of a moron?!"
Sazh fidgeted as he watched the small battle. Zalera seemed incredibly uninterested, but Lightning was out for blood. "All right, Lightning, I think that's enough."
The minute Sazh's hand brushed her shoulder, Lightning immediately tore herself away from both of her companions as she stared viciously at the man. "Don't even. I can't-" Lightning let out a frustrated cry as she let her fist fly into the wall, the stone cracking just slightly. She remained in a tense stance as she took a few deep, ragged breaths. Why does he always do this? Why must he always put himself in danger? She could never quite understand Hope's impulses. However, that was not an issue to be pondered at that given moment. She had to find Hope. She could demand answers from him later.
Running a hand through his lightly singed afro, Sazh sighed. It was time to defuse Lightning's rage, but that usually required Hope. "I should go look for him."
"No." The soldier collected herself and pulled her now bloodied hand from the rough stone. Icy eyes stared down upon her marred fist and cracked skin. She needed to control her anger better. "I will get him. I'm better at tracking and-"
"No," interrupted Sazh. Azure orbs stabbed into him at his refusal. "I think I get what's going on with him. Maybe a bit of a man-to-man'll help him come to his senses, alright?"
Lightning's gaze flitted to her hand, then back to the wall with the small spider crack. It was probably best if she cooled off some before seeing Hope. Sazh said he thought that he knew what was going on with him. Maybe Sazh talking to him would get him to stop running off. To stop leaving her. "I'm giving you twenty minutes. Get him back here or it'll be both your asses." She turned back to her elder and watched as a broad grin broke out on his face. "Scram. Nineteen minutes fifty-nine seconds. Fifty-eight. Fifty-seven."
"Alright, alright," he sighed as he began to rush out of the cave. He turned tail and ran out, one pistol ready at his side.
Lightning fell into silence, though the count continued in her mind. Was she doing the right thing? Who could know? It wasn't just Hope she had to protect. It was Sazh and Zalera, too. By taking them along, it made her accountable for their lives. She had to trust Sazh. It was about time that she started showing faith in other people.
Turning her back to the wall, Lightning slid down it until she sat slumped against the harsh stone. She didn't know what to do. Not with Hope. Not with the crystals, nor Castea, nor the new world threat. She didn't know what to do with herself. She had no idea what to do.
"You aren't going to kick my ass?" Zalera sat down beside the soldier, eyeing her bleeding hand. It wasn't anything to worry about and Hope would be able to heal it once he got back. It was the pain and rage that had caused the action that was troubling.
Shaking her head, Lightning clenched her jaw as she squeezed her eyes shut. "I don't know what to do. Should we go after the crystals? If we do-"
Zalera placed a calm hand on her shoulder, ceasing her words. "There are a lot of what ifs. A lot can happen. We have to get the crystals. There is no other way to continue without them. If we intend to take out Belphagor, then we'll need the power. You were all l'Cie when you took on Orphan." Lightning immediately tensed and dropped her shoulder, letting Zalera's hand slide off. The Pulsian carried on, knowing that her words needed to be said and heard. "And there were six of you. If we just ignore this, Castea will keep attacking until he has nothing left. And I don't think he has much more to give."
It was true. The blonde attacked ruthlessly, relentlessly. Her legendary power and sly tongue seemed to be marvelous weapons for bringing Hope to his knees. Lightning couldn't keep letting Castea get so close. "How am I supposed to help him?"
Zalera sucked in her bottom lip between her teeth, gnawing on it as she thought. Hope needed reassurance, guidance and faith. They had to try their best to give them to him.
"You saw him, Zalera. He has all but given up on surviving. I don't think he believes in himself anymore." Lightning ran a frustrated hand through her roseate locks, withholding a sigh. She hated this restlessness she felt lingering in her gut. The fact that she needed advice on helping Hope wasn't making her feel much better about their situation either. But she truly didn't know what to do. "I don't think he believes in anything anymore."
Swiftly, Zalera stood and walked over to the cave entrance, her eyes scanning over the white lands around them. It was odd to see Lightning in such a state. She was so very unsure, her confidence in her abilities and her partner waning. What was becoming of their team? Their quest had just started and they were already falling apart.
If they were going to get through it all, they were going to need each other. They were going to need to hope and pray and fight. They couldn't give in to the lingering doubt and the dark cloud of despair.
"What would you do for Yeul?"
Zalera withheld the sting of her name from showing in her features. No matter how much time passed, it never got easier to deal with. "I was her guardian." It was a simple statement that held far too much meaning. At times, Zalera had hated that title, had hated her position. Being her protector kept her at Yeul's side, but it also kept them at an unbearable distance. Zalera's guardianship of Yeul had erected a wall between them that couldn't be breached. "Do you want to be his guardian?"
Lightning didn't know how to answer that. She had never considered herself as Hope's guardian until Castea's followers had insisted on calling her that. However, she supposed that that had been what she had become back when they were l'Cie.
"If you are his guardian, you are supposed to be his strength and his shield. You protect him from any and all opposition. You help him fight. You guide him towards the right path and follow him wherever that path leads." It was almost the exact words she'd heard long ago, when learning of her possible future guardianship of Yeul. It seemed fitting advice for Lightning now. "But also, you are human. You are allowed to feel your own doubts and have your own weaknesses. Trust me, I know weakness well. You just can't let those weaknesses and doubts hold you back. Hope's life is to remain your number one concern. You give up all that you are for him. You give up your body and your soul for him. That's what being a guardian entails."
Lightning stared hard at the ground, contemplating. Hope was already what she held most important in her life, especially seeing as Serah was currently crystal. The soldier knew that she'd give up everything and more for him.
She was going to accept her role. She was just like Zalera, it seemed. She was a guardian and she'd protect Hope, all else be damned. But what of their relationship? How could she be his guardian and his girlfriend? She couldn't be his shield and his partner, could she? "I have to give him up, don't I?" That was the one thing she found herself hesitating on. Now that she'd allowed herself to indulge on expressing her feelings towards him, on accepting their feelings towards each other, could she hold herself back? "I can't be his guardian and his lover. It doesn't work." To be with Hope, she would see him as her partner, her equal. They would protect each other. But if she was his guardian, she could only see him as her charge. She couldn't allow for Hope to put his life on the line for her. And he would no doubt want to.
Zalera had fought with her own feelings towards Yeul for years. It had made her cold. She didn't take Lightning's concern lightly. "The bond between a Guardian and their charge is stronger than anything. It transcends all meaning. A love forms between them and nothing can ever break it. It's your choice what kind of love that is... But there's no doubt that it's love."
Swallowing heavily, Lightning stood, feeling each and every step she took towards Zalera deepen her concern. She would never let Hope die. She'd fight for him with everything she had, but she wouldn't give him up. "Did Yeul know?"
Her fists tightened at her sides, clenching her worn and singed skirt. Zalera shook her head slowly. Yeul's life was limited. Zalera had had no right to hold Yeul back with her feelings, or to mar their relationship with such emotions. Zalera's job was to watch and protect, to console and guide. As her guardian, she could love Yeul, but she couldn't express it. "To truly protect him, to truly become his guardian, you have to make sacrifices. Having to withhold your desires would be one of those sacrifices-"
"Then I won't do it. Screw being a guardian. No offense, but you lost Yeul while you were her guardian. You gave up everything for her and you still lost her." Lightning could feel Zalera's cold stare on her, but she ignored it. She'd finally let Hope in. She had someone to live for again. She wasn't going to give that up. Not again. Her feelings had been denied for too long. "I can protect him and be with him too." Lightning then walked away to the back of the cave and leaned against the wall. "Sazh has five minutes and fifty-four seconds before his ass is mine."
With surprised eyes, the Pulsian turned back to watch for their two companions. Lightning truly cared for Hope. That was what he needed right now, not some cold protector. Lightning had made her decision, and Zalera could only smile.
"Wake up, dude. You'll catch a cold if you stay like that."
Hope's eyes fluttered open at the sound of his best friend's voice. A disgruntled noise came from him as he sat up, shivering at the light, cool breeze that caressed his tired body. Bleary green eyes opened to be met with amused violet. "What, Cass?" His groggy words came out slowly before he yawned. He looked around, soon recognizing his surroundings. He was in the field he'd woken up in, with the friends he'd left behind.
A light laugh sounded through the air as Cass chuckled. "You have some grass on your face, dork."
Hope pouted at the laughing runt beside him. For a thirteen year old, he was quite a pain in the ass. Of course, that was just Cass. The two years since the fall hadn't done much to change him. Not that he'd seen anyway. Hope's hand came up and wiped away the small blades of grass that clung to his cold cheek. "What happened? How'd I even get here?"
"You don't remember?" Cass' brows knit together as he sat beside Hope, resting back on his palms with his legs stretched out before him. "You had another little quarrel with the sperm donor. I called you to see if you wanted to come to my place and hang out with me and Kori, but you said you were too pissed off. It's been three hours since then." Cass shook his head at Hope's bewildered expression. He really didn't remember. "I tried calling you again a little while ago, and came looking for you when you didn't answer. I knew where you were. You're not all that hard to figure out."
Hope fell back into the grass, expression solemn. He remembered now. His father wanted him to become his successor. It meant that in the event of his father's death, Hope would be the new director. But he had no idea how to be a leader. And he couldn't lose his dad. Not now. Not after he'd lost everyone else. He could handle the constant bickering and never being enough for his father, but he couldn't handle being alone.
That had been the reason he'd come back to where he'd been found. To where this whole part of his life began. He'd run off to come back to the family he'd left behind. Because even though they couldn't see him or hear him, even though they were lost in the deep dreams of stasis, he didn't want them to be as alone as he felt. He took comfort in their presence, and he hoped that his presence helped them.
Hope's hand slid across the grass until it brushed against Cass', their fingers soon interlocking. He couldn't keep living in the past. He had family and friends that needed him in the real world. Hope was alive and out of stasis. He could live. It was time he started doing so. "Thanks, Cass."
Cass snorted at the contact, but neglected to move his hand away. Instead, he squeezed his best friend's hand tighter. "Yeah..."
The cold air passed over Hope again and he snuggled deeper into the ground. He didn't want to leave yet. He couldn't just leave them behind. The elder teen closed his eyes, ignoring the world for only a little while longer. If he stayed just like that, cocooned in his ignorance and denial, everything didn't seem so heavy.
"C'mon, Hope. You gotta get up."
Hope tried to ignore Cass, though he knew he was right. He couldn't stay there forever.
"Get up, dude. The world's waiting."
Hope sat up, the world around him a blinding white while a dark gray loomed over him, the heavy clouds promising only more falling ice. He could hardly feel any part of his body, it having gone almost completely numb a short while before. And as Hope stared across the large expanse of snow, he attempted to numb his heart as well. His best friend was dead. The self-preserving haze lifted, making way for the soul shattering truth, decaying what was left of his heart.
He was losing everyone. Slowly, Yeul's vision was coming true. It would only be a matter of time before this world died allowing for a new one to be reborn from its ashes.
With much strength, Hope managed to stand and drag himself along to a small, iced over river bank. His stiff hand wiped away the snow as he knelt by it. He could then see his reflection staring back at him.
He could hardly recognize the worn out husk in the ice. The extreme red flush of his skin. The harshly chapped blue lips. The blood shot, hopeless eyes. No, this was a Hope he recognized, it was just one he hadn't seen in a while.
Dull eyes looked back down at the exposed brand on his arm. Hope could only feel pure hatred as he stared at his fate. It held all the cards. As it always had.
Before, Hope had liked his brand. Once he'd gotten past the devastation, he found that his l'Cie powers made him stronger. He could fight. He could protect.
Now, he was just a tool of destruction once again. He was the l'Cie menace, just like six years prior.
Drawing up his blade, Hope brought it back to just under his mark. He couldn't let it all continue. This war had to end somehow. Hope was going to keep cutting his brand off until either it or he didn't exist anymore.
"What are you doin'!"
The loud call jolted Hope out of his state. Quickly, he threw a massive thundara towards the voice. With a large crack, the bolts struck through a tree, bringing most of it down beside a very startled and wide-eyed Sazh.
They stared at each other for a few silent moments until Sazh coughed at the slight smoke wafting off from the now ripped apart tree. His eyes gazed over it, taking in the fact that if Hope had hit him, he'd be the one in such a state or most likely much worse.
Hope stared down at his hands, watching the last remnants of the spell fizzle off of his fingertips, the vapid energy dying out and fading back into his veins. It was Sazh. It had been Sazh that he'd just attacked. He lowered his head, attempting to calm himself down.
Sazh scrambled up from his spot, clumps of snow falling from his clothes as the stun wore off. The pilot watched as Hope shook, his long, deep breaths puffing out into the bitter air. The gunblade that had been previously perched atop his young companion's arm laid on the frozen snow, resting innocently despite its owner's intentions for it moments before.
What the boy had been about to do could only be guessed and what Sazh was thinking had him storming over to the quivering Hope. Enraged, he snatched up the blade and tossed it carelessly away, soon kneeling before the silveret as he desperately searched for an answer within Hope's eyes. Once brilliant green orbs were clouded with such heart wrenching despair. "What are you doin'?" he repeated in a breathy whisper. Never before had Hope resorted to such actions. Not to his knowledge. No matter what opposing forces he'd met or dark influences he'd encountered, Hope had always found a certain resilience. This incident had Sazh questioning just how deeply lost Hope had found himself.
His urge to run and his urge to retch fought only to end in a stalemate as he remained deathly still. Sazh was not supposed to see that. No one was supposed to see him in those moments of distress and desperation. He needed the brand gone. That was all. But he would go to great lengths to relieve himself of his mark.
"If it just went away..." Trembling fingers traced over the bright blue symbol on his forearm. It was smooth and blended perfectly into his skin as if it had always been there, like a birth mark. "Not just the brand, but the fear, the pain, the anger, this... unbearable ache in my heart..." If all of the past mistakes were gone, if he didn't feel any of it, then he could carry on and continue with the mission. But it wasn't going to happen.
Sazh rubbed his forehead as he settled beside the director. So he was trying to cut off his brand... Never even thought of that. There was dried blood all over Hope's arm and in the snow where Hope's weapon had previously laid. I guess it didn't work.
"Why, Sazh? Just tell me why," Hope spat, his anger broiling. He couldn't figure it out. He never could. Why did it have to be him? "Why me? I never wanted to become... this." He was nothing but a monster. Someone who should just be put down.
"To become what? A hero?"
Hope's face contorted into confusion as he looked toward Sazh. The man just smiled softly at him and put a comforting hand on his back. A hero? That's not what he was. He was a monster intended to be used only for wicked purposes. A slave to a fal'Cie's fancy. A hero he was not.
"The way I see it, you're the only person who could do this." Hope was a brilliant, strong and extremely gifted young man. He had a tremendous amount of compassion for everyone and everything on the planet. He felt more than anyone and fought hard for what he believed in. "You can fight this, Hope, I know you can."
"But-"
Sazh shook his head. "You're one of the strongest people I know. You can fight through this battle. I don't think that anyone else could go through everything you have and survive. It has to be you." A chilly gust of wind had Sazh pulling Hope into his chest and wrapping his coat tightly around them both. It was freezing. With Hope's condition, it would be amazing if he didn't catch hypothermia.
"You've fought through loss, loneliness, hatred, extreme bigotry, heartbreak. You've survived assassins, torture, and the viciousness of battle. You even won over the girl o' your dreams and seriously, no one could've thawed her icy heart like you have," he added with a laugh. Hope chuckled lightly in return as he seemed to be returning to his old self little by little. "You've overcome so much and you've grown into a better man than any of us could've predicted." With a tight squeeze, Sazh hugged him closer to his body, joy filling him as Hope wrapped his arms around him as well. This was such a nostalgic moment. He remembered consoling Hope many times over the years when his father was too busy. He'd always made sure to be there for Hope when he needed him. And this was one of those times.
Hope cleared his throat. His lids were heavy with tears, but he tried to keep them at bay. Sazh saw only the good in him. He was proud of him. "But all of those people... How do I live with the deaths of all of those people? Of my people..."
His eyes slid shut as he heard Hope's raspy voice. He sounded so small, so young. It was like Hope had become a child again in his arms. Hope sniffed and Sazh could tell by his harsh breathing and the quaking of his form that he was breaking down.
The young man in his arms didn't know what to do with all of his grief or how to deal with all of his guilt. Sazh didn't have answers for him. He could relate in some ways. He hoped his next words would be enough to help Hope see that it wasn't his fault. That he could bear the pain until he could clear all of the tragedy Castea had created. "If I didn't have the pain of my late wife, I probably wouldn't be so depressed all the time. After she died, I thought about givin' up Dajh." That wasn't something Sazh liked to admit, but he had. Raising Dajh had seemed impossible without Wilda. Living was tough enough.
"If I didn't have the grief of losin' my son to all this, I wouldn't've put my gun to my temple. Some days, I can hardly breathe when I think about him... But that grief and that pain are there to remind me of what I have and what I live for. You can't change what's happened, only what you'll do." A few tears slipped from Sazh's eyes as he let Hope sob into his chest. Hope had been holding it in for the last few days so Sazh just let him cry.
As much as he hated to admit it, this was all he could really offer the teen. His words and a shoulder were all he had to give. Sazh would remain by Hope's side, he would fight, but he knew that most of the future relied heavily on Hope. He couldn't protect Hope from what was coming. He couldn't guarantee Hope would even survive.
It killed him to admit that.
Lightning had been about ready to jump up and storm out of the cave when she saw Hope and Sazh approaching from the distance. Hope was huddled against Sazh, practically hiding in his coat. Fury rose within her, but she snuffed it out, bit her tongue, folded her infuriated hands and remained where she was. Hitting and scolding Hope wouldn't change anything. She was angry and hurt that Hope had run. She wanted to know why Hope had wanted to be away from her so desperately. But he'd gone because he needed space. So she would let him come to her.
"Gods, Hope." Zalera helped Sazh bring Hope into their small cavern. The young director shook in her arms causing her great alarm. Why Lightning wasn't helping or even showing concern stumped her.
"I'm f-fine." Hope truly didn't feel cold at all. All he felt was a burning warmth inside of him that he knew was from his l'Cie mark. He wasn't worried. The mountains were the least of his problems.
Sazh and Zalera set him down against the wall by the fire. Despite Hope's persistent words that he was fine, Sazh took off his jacket and wrapped it around the frozen child. He then stepped back, standing beside Zalera as they both looked down on Hope who stared down at the fire. "We stick together from here on out. Got it?" He meant it mostly for Hope, but everyone in the cave needed a reminder. They were a team. They were going to act like one.
"Yeah," Hope breathed as he snuggled deeper into the olive jacket surrounding him. He could feel the chill slipping away as the warmth of his brand grew, but the comfort of Sazh's jacket kept him grounded.
Zalera nodded and gave a curt verbal affirmation as well, her focus still on her nearly silent companions.
"You too, soldier girl." He received a slight glare which had him smirking and shaking his head. "Rest for now, Hope. We'll talk about this all later."
Sazh laid himself down by the fire. Deep brown eyes gazed at the ceiling. These kids are gonna be the death of me. He looked over as Zalera laid herself beside him. She ran her hands down her face before meeting Sazh's eyes. Her weary green orbs and despondent expression cast worry within the afro haired man. Zalera just closed her eyes and put a hand over her heart. Sazh understood then. He knew loss and the misery that it brought.
Zalera jolted at the light touch of Sazh's hand. She looked down at it on her forearm. The gesture, warm and reassuring, let her silently know that he was there. It brought a spark of happiness to her. She really felt like a part of a family.
He brought his lips to her forehead and gave it a light peck. It was what he always did when calming Dajh. He'd even done it to calm Vanille. He remembered it being the last kiss that he'd given his wife before she'd been taken from him. When he was laying in bed with her, assuring her that everything would be okay.
Sazh laid back against the ground and looked over each of his teammates. These people, these kids, were his family and he was going to keep them safe. He wanted them all to meet his son when Dajh woke up. Sazh grew quite excited at that thought. When his son came out of crystal stasis, their little family wouldn't be so small and broken anymore.
When Hope had sufficiently thawed, he made his way over to Lightning, his movements a tad stiff. He sat in front of her and stared at her. She had her eyes closed, but he knew she was awake. He knew she knew he was there. Her muscles had tightened as soon as he'd sat down. She was ignoring him. Or she was waiting for him to make the first move.
Hope's eyes caught her injured hand and he straightened up at the sight. She'd gotten hurt... or hurt herself. She got angry again. She hurt herself because of me, huh? Hope carefully took her hand in his own and kissed the injury apologetically. He hated hurting Lightning. He despised himself for it.
The eldest Farron opened her eyes at the light contact on her abused knuckles. She could see the sincere regret and anguish in the young man's eyes as he regarded her hand. Soft fingertips traced over her wound tenderly, a cure spell dancing off of them and into her torn tissue. Lightning's lips curved upward into a smile at how gentle he was. This was her Hope.
He gave her hand another soft peck when he was done before looking up into his mentor's eyes. The light gleam in them made him blush and sheepishly rub the back of his head.
"You done worshiping my hand now?"
Hope laughed quietly, taking the joke as it was. He held onto her hand tighter, never wanting to let go. He was going to keep Lightning at his side. There would be no losing her. "I'm sorry, Lightning. I'm right here. I'll always be right here."
Hope's sincere words caressed her heart more than she could express. He'd hit the nail on the head with that one. She was always so afraid of losing him. If she lost Hope, she lost everything. She knew it was wrong to depend so much on him, but he was all she had.
"Thank you for allowing me some time and thank you for letting me come back on my own. I'm going to do better. For everyone. For you, Light."
Lightning's throat felt constricted, all words getting caught in the enclosure. So instead of talking, instead of using words that she wasn't too good with anyway, she pulled Hope in, encircling him with her arms. Her tight grip on him kept her together. She could feel herself melting under that gorgeous gaze. Her name on his lips sounded so right. She never wanted anyone else to say it.
Light...
He was her savior. Not the other way around. The way she had always seen it was that, without Serah, Lightning would have faded away, drifted into nothingness. She would hardly be a person. Just as she had begun losing Serah, losing her purpose, losing herself, she had gained Hope.
Hope showed her that she was more than just an older sister. She was more than just a soldier. Hope helped her begin again. Serah could have her own life.
And so could she.
Lightning didn't have to become a pitiful shell. She didn't have to hate and envy Snow for stealing her sister away. She didn't have to believe that being human made her weak. Hope liked who she was. He liked who she really was underneath all of the masks and lies. He saw her for who she was and he stayed.
Pulling back from her and stealing a quick kiss, Hope beamed at her. Things were going to be okay. He was going to make it all okay.
"Pulse's castle is a little over a two week's journey depending on our speed and on the opposition we face. Now, I need to ask this question one last time. Are we doing this?" Zalera stood in front of the fire, her three comrades sitting around it. Her stance was tense with worry over everything to come. This was not going to be an easy quest. They all needed to be completely sure about their decision.
Sazh held his hands by the flames as he sat still in the questioning of their coming journey. All he could think of was Dajh. His son was sitting in a broken building in a decimated city, protected only by the barrier that sealed him from reality. If they succeeded, he could have his boy back. But if they failed... The pilot glanced over at the teen to his right. If we fail... I lose both of them.
Putting on a broad grin, Sazh leaned back on his palms. "What are we waitin' for? We've made it out this far, might as well go all the way." He would just have to make sure that they didn't fail.
Cool azure orbs studied Hope, who seemed oddly, yet unsurprisingly withdrawn. Lightning abhorred the thought of tomorrow. She knew that this excursion would cause only more pain for Hope. They were going into enemy territory. They were likely to encounter hundreds of vicious creatures, if their last visit into Pulse had taught her anything, and Castea's l'Cie, as well. They were going after mythical crystals that contained god like powers, and Hope was expected to consume and control those powers.
Lightning had always been a realist, especially as a soldier. She knew things were going to be bad. She knew that most likely some of them wouldn't make it. That was what war and sacrifice guaranteed, right? "It's up to Hope." She let her tone lay flat, as if she really were giving him the say. Really, they had no other option but to go. Living in a cave until the end of days wasn't all that appealing.
And then all eyes fell to him. He who only a matter of years before had been the weak link of the group. The bottom of the food chain. Now, he decided if they ran or fought. If they lived or died. Now's not the time to second guess yourself. This will take down Castea. This will save your city and possibly Cocoon.
This will bring back your friends.
"We are getting the crystals." Hope looked into the eyes of his team mates, solid determination flowing through his veins. "This is for Academia. For Cocoon. For Snow. For Serah." His gaze caught Lightning and he knew he couldn't back down. "For Dajh." He looked at Sazh, seeing such pride in the man's eyes. "For Fang and Vanille." His eyes fell to the entrance of the cave, Hope holding back the ache in his heart. "For Yeul." Zalera caught his attention next as she gasped, a small tear sliding down her cheek.
"I will fix this." No, that wasn't right. He was not alone. "We will end this." They didn't need to restart in a new world. They could begin anew in the world they had when the battle was over. Because they would survive.
"For our future."