So... Drama?
XVII: The Fallen Star
Star: Hope, Faith, Rejuvenation
Reversed Star: Hopelessness, Despair, Negativity, Lack of Faith
He decides to skip school.
He doesn't care if he's going to be scolded or whatever later, he just couldn't give two fucks about it right now. All he could focus on is Ryoji, sleeping right here and now. Ryoji (Pharos) (Death), who's saved him, both physically and mentally, from the Shadows, and from himself, from his own pit of despair. If he wasn't there, he would've let himself go and die after being shot. He would've given up on living a long, long time ago. And he wouldn't have gotten to know life like he is now.
Ryoji, who's a Shadow, sealed within him for ten long years, drawing pain and suffering to him in equal measures without the man himself realizing it. Ryoji, who's the guide that would draw in Nyx, the mother of the night, the almighty Death, who would bring forth the Fall.
He wonders; if he'd let himself be drowned by that kid a few years back, could all of this have been prevented? Would the rest of the world be spared from fate inevitable? If he had died back then, would the Shadows lose their purposes? Or would they join together just to create a new Appriser to fill Ryoji's role?
He hears the door opening, but doesn't turn around. Whoever opens the door doesn't do a damn thing, either, so he just sits there in silence. He frowns, hands clasped together, his mind a goddamn mess and his heart torn between believing in this… in his other self, his Thanatos, his Death, or considering him an enemy and just chokes the life out of him right now. He knows he might be able to do it, since it's right outside of the Dark Hour. But Ryoji did warn him that killing him now would make things uncorrectable, irreversible. He can't allow that, not yet.
"…Yuuki," The voice calls, and he turns to see Aragaki standing there, arms crossed. But his expression is neither angry nor resentful, just a bit… undecided, he thinks. When he doesn't say anything, the older boy sighs, scratching his head. "Look… I'm sorry, about yesterday. Emotions were running high, and even if he is your friends, he's still a Shadow. I…"
"You just want to protect us," Makoto murmurs, turning his eyes towards Ryoji again. "I know. You've done nothing wrong. It's all on me."
"…As much as I hate to say, yeah," He murmurs. "It is."
"I'll take all responsibilities," He whispers against his own hands. He couldn't bring himself to think about any of this. He'll just… deal with it after Ryoji's awake. "Just… not now. I'll tell you and Kirijou-senpai when he's awake."
"…Alright," The man mumbles. "I ain't gonna go to school anyways, so… what d'ya want for breakfast? And no, you ain't denying my ass, Yuuki."
He smiles to himself. As bashful and rough as Aragaki is, he still cares like no one else, and he's kind, far too kind for the likes of him. He lied and put everyone in danger. He doesn't deserve this. But he knows better than to refuse the older boy by now, so he just sighs and leans against the backrest of the chair, focusing his attention on the feeling of hard wood on his back instead.
"…Anything's fine, I'm not that hungry. Something easy to cook is fine, too."
The man sighs. "A'ight, if you say so. And hey, kid?"
"Yes?" He says, turning around slightly.
"…Just, I know you have your reasons. But know that I'm still here. You can lean on me anytime, 'kay?"
He lets himself laugh quietly. "Alright. Thanks, Senpai."
And when the man leaves, he's left with his own thoughts once more.
Ryoji looks a bit lost when he wakes up to Makoto by his side.
He forces himself to smile, sitting hunched on the chair, hands still clasped together and resting between his legs. He follows Ryoji's blue eyes that seem to rest at the clock beside the bed, then finally, at him. The emotions in them shift from confusion to worry. Makoto forces his uneasiness away. "…You're awake."
"…Yeah," The boy murmurs, sitting up. He finds himself steading the other boy, grabbing his shoulder, preventing his fall. After a while, he says. "Makoto, why—"
"I was worried about you. Still am," He says, pulling back once Ryoji's properly propped himself up. "Are you okay?"
"You shouldn't be worrying about me, an enemy," He says without making eye contact.
"…I know," He whispers. "But I still do, so… here we are, I guess."
He feels obligated to return the favor. Ryoji saved him, before, and even during his short, blissful time as a student, he's helped Makoto much more than he could've ever repaid. The decision to not tell anyone about what Ryoji is… might've partly been because he's afraid of letting a dear friend, a part of him, go. He's weak, he knows that, and to think that his weakness almost ruined someone else's life (again) (I'm sorry, Aigis, I really am) makes his stomach churn.
He shakes his head and centers himself. Not now, he can't break down just yet. He still has to take the fall for his own mistakes, take responsibilities for his selfishness. But, right now, he needs answers, and while Ryoji'd be more than happy to tell all of the SEES, he needs to hear it first. If he can correct it somehow, then maybe…
"…You want me to tell you everything before I tell the rest of them, right?" Ryoji says, his eyes sad but understanding. Then his cold hand rests on his trembling one (he doesn't even know he's shaking) before he continues. "…If you want, then I will."
"Thank you," He murmurs, inhaling sharply. "So… The Fall? What are you? What's your purpose? What is the Fall, and what's Nyx going to do?"
"I guess I'll have to say that Nyx herself is the mother of Shadows, the very manifestation of Death, the inevitable, the undefeatable. I am the beacon that would draw Nyx to the world, and when she arrives, she'll turn every single human being into the Lost," The boy explains slowly, weighing each and every word on his tongue, as if afraid to upset him.
"The Fall, the end of the world as we know it," He concludes, looking out at the window, at the bright sunlight. "…And by your words, the Fall is inevitable."
"Yes," He murmurs. "My existence is the affirmation of the Fall. The bell has already tolled, and the Fall is unpreventable, since Nyx herself is indestructible. You can't win, Makoto. It's hopeless."
He doesn't reply, instead, he finds his mind reeling, trying to find a solution. Every word must be analyzed and thoroughly dissected. He needs to find a solution, no matter what.
He has to have hope. It's all he has left.
"Makoto," Ryoji whispers, drawing him out of his thoughts. He looks up, and Ryoji's grabbing his hand a little tighter, his smile slight and broken. "I don't want you to suffer until then. Being inside you gave me my humanity, so… I think, if you kill me, you'd be able to forget about everything, and live in peace until the Fall comes."
"…You mean… you want me to kill you?" He asks, voice raw. "To forget about it all?"
"Yes," Ryoji says. "Please, Makoto. The Fall cannot be avoided, so I—"
"Ryoji," He snaps. "If we—if I forget about everything, then the trails I've faced, the bonds I've made, would be reduced to nothing. They would mean nothing. You want me to return to the Broken Fool I once was? Lonely and afraid and unable to face himself, unable to forgive himself?"
Ryoji gapes, but provides him with no answer of his own.
Makoto sighs. "…Alas, that choice is not mine to make. If they want to forget, then that's what I'll do. But for me, I won't. I can't, not after everything they've given me, not after everything you've given me. Not after you saved me from myself and my fears, Mochizuki Ryoji."
"…I'm sorry," He murmurs. "But… I just don't want you to suffer."
"I know," He says, looking at the boy straight in his sapphire blue eyes, then musters up the best smile he could've created. "But you've told me this before, right? Life is painful. It's sorrowful and kind. And Life… is a precious gift, to live is to suffer, to learn, to enjoy. Without pain, there can be no happiness. You tell me this yourself."
Ryoji laughs quietly. "I did, huh? But… yes, I guess so."
"I can't forget," Makoto shakes his head, gripping Ryoji's hand tightly. It's so cold, he notes. But he finds that he doesn't mind it. "If I do, my friendships, my love, will be nothing more than empty shells of what they are now. I can't allow myself to forget about anything, or any of them. Even if it hurts, I want to remember, to live."
"…I understand," Ryoji says. "Then that's your answer. But you said that the choice is not yours alone to make?"
"I have to take responsibilities for my inactions," He says quietly as he pulls back and pulls out his phone, tapping away and sending the SMS to his two seniors. Aragaki acknowledges it instantly with a short OK, while Kirijou doesn't send anything back. But he knows she's already received it. "If they wish to forget, then I wouldn't have minded going back into the hell hole that I've crawled out from."
Ryoji doesn't say anything for a while, his eyes glued to the wall before him. And then, he throws his legs off the edge of the bed. When he looks up at Makoto again, his eyes are still desperate, but… they're freer than they were before. "Are you thinking? Finding solutions?"
"Yeah," He says quietly. "Nothing is truly invincible, even a god. Maybe… give me a bit of time, and I might be able to think of something."
"Okay," Ryoji murmurs. "When you do, you can call me. I'm still partly human, after all, even though I'll not be going to school again. I'll be forced to rescind it on the next Full Moon, however."
"It won't take that long," Makoto muses. "When I do, I'll call… and we'll talk this over, before the others make their decisions."
"Right," He hums. "…Right."
He doesn't miss the tenseness and the fear in each of their expressions as Ryoji explains everything he's already told Makoto to the rest of the SEES.
When they all fall silent, Ryoji just gives them a small smile. "You don't have to decide right now. You have until the next Full Moon—December 31st, to make your final decision. Then… goodnight, and please, think over this well."
He turns to leave, but Makoto grabs his wrist first. He doesn't miss the looks of the SEES, although he isn't sure what to make of those eyes quite yet. When Ryoji turns to him, he just manages out, quietly. "…Do take care, Ryoji. Until then."
He smiles. "You really are impossible, Makoto… but yes, until then."
As soon as he walks out the door, Makoto could hear something, like fluttering of wings. And when Yamagishi gasps and says that she couldn't sense him anymore, it's confirmed that he's already gone, disappeared from this place.
Makoto collapses onto the sofa, a hand on his face, not daring to face the member of the SEES. They all seem unsure of what they want to speak or do next, and the silence that's blanketing over them is getting heavier and heavier by the second until he couldn't breathe anymore. He forces himself to sigh, to do something, anything.
In the end, he just sits there, unable to bring himself to move. He pulls his hand away from his face and looks up at his team, at his friends, whose trusts he had betrayed so thoroughly that he thinks there's no way to restore them again. They're looking at him a bit strangely, but he's too tired and too scared to be able to read their feelings.
He isn't sure how long he's sitting there, looking at no where but his own hands, but when he looks up again, they're already gone, except for Aragaki who hangs back. He's about to say something when the older man interrupts him. "Are you okay?"
He blinks stupidly a few times before laughing quietly. "No, I'm not."
"I see," The man hums, closing the large door and walking towards him. Aragaki sits at the sofa next to his, leaning back, relaxing (or at least, trying to). "…Looks like you've already made up your mind."
"The decision isn't mine to make," He murmurs, closing his eyes and trying to pick off every detail he can. He has to find the solution. He must win, for everyone's sake. He's been harboring Death inside him for a decade, so the responsibility of stopping Nyx is his, and his alone.
"But you've already made yours," The older boy repeats.
"…Yes."
"That was quick," He hums. Makoto opens his eyes to see the man looking at him too kindly. He feels like he doesn't deserve it. If he had died all those years ago, maybe none of this would've come to pass. "So? What's your decision?"
"Does it matter?" He says with a sigh. "As I said, the final choice is—"
"—It's all of us to make. Don't count yourself out of the team, Yuuki," Aragaki finishes for him. "You know, we've… I mean, some of us—and by that, I mean me and Aki—have talked a bit about this. While your choice to keep the fact that he is Death under wrap is a dick move, it… the fact that he saved your life before makes it understandable. I dunno about the rest, but I forgive you."
"You shouldn't have," He murmurs. "I could've endangered you, or worse."
"But in the end, that choice makes no difference, right?" Aragaki says with a small shrug. "Well, this is just my two cents on it, though. I dunno what the others think, so… you're going to have to live with the repercussions of keeping secrets, kid."
"I'm aware," He says. After chewing his on his cheek, he murmurs. "…I chose not to kill him."
"Can I know the reason?" He asks.
"I can't forget," He says, his voice trembling. "I can't allow myself to. If I do, all these bonds I've made, all the choices, all the progress, would've been reduced to nothing. I can't allow your efforts to go to waste, nor could I allow myself to back down. Not now, not ever."
"…Hah," Aragaki lets out a small huff of laughter. When he looks at the man fully, he's grinning from ear-to-ear. "You've grown a lot. If it had been you from a few months ago, you would've chosen to forget it all just to escape the pain."
"It's only because I have bonds now. I… they weren't this deep and intricate back then," He reasons.
"Yeah, but only because you want to change that these bonds of ours—of all of us—could've grown this ardent, kid. Be proud. Not many could've achieved what you've done."
It takes him a few minutes for the meaning of it all to sink in, and when it does, he's already crying. He isn't sure if it's sorrow, or happiness, or whatever. He curls into himself and lets the tears flow out. Large hands are patting his head and grabbing his shoulder. He doesn't mind it as he keeps crying, the weight he doesn't realize he's carrying is let go, and now—now he's free.
His choice to live symbolizes the strength of the bonds he's made, that he'd go to great length to preserve them.
And it symbolizes that right now, he's loved. He's loved, and he loves them all.
He isn't sure why this realization hits him this late, but he doesn't care.
He's loved. Even if his choices would cause them to turn their backs on him, he wouldn't have minded. These loves they've shared, these bonds they've made—he'll go through hellfire itself to keep them, to safeguard them.
He'll protect them—their lives, their futures, their souls—even at the cost of his own.
Nyx is undefeatable, and indestructible.
But it's the way Ryoji puts it that irks him.
The Fall is unpreventable because Nyx is undefeatable.
He shakes his head; right now, he has to focus on polishing his strength. He has to get stronger, just to be able to grasp that possibility of saving the world—saving his world—with his own hands. He swings the wooden sword down again, and again, and again, repeating the motions for the hundredth, for the thousandth, time, committing every little bit of the motions to his memories. He'll have to sneak into Tartarus alone tonight again (since everyone's still trying to come to terms with the possibility of their own deaths).
He stops after he reaches the two-thousandth-time marks, sweats covering his whole body. It's already 6 pm, he should be closing up the gym soon. But…
He hears the door creaking open, and thinks for a second that it might've been someone from the Kendo Club, only to see Sanada standing there, his arms crossed. He just looks at the man for a while before turning his attention back to the wooden blade. "…I'll close up when I'm done, don't worry."
"You've been sneaking into Tartarus all by yourself lately," Is what Sanada says.
He puts his arms over his head and swings the blade down in practiced motion, keeping his muscles tensed and his core engaged, not allowing himself to slack off. The door's closed, and then there's footsteps approaching him. He answers once he reaches the tenth swing. "I'll be careful. Don't worry."
"But being alone without a single support is dangerous," The boxer remarks.
He stops the swings and turns back to the man. "As I said, I'll be careful."
Sanada sighs. "Alright, then how about this; you're coming back here tonight, right?"
Makoto looks at the boxer for a while longer. It doesn't seem like he'd be selling him out, but there's something strange in the way he looks. Makoto isn't sure what to make of it, however. "I guess so. I've got nothing better to do, and no one to talk to. Aragaki-senpai is busy today."
"…I see," He hums. "How about this; I'll not tell Mitsuru, but I'm coming with you tonight."
He stops, unsure. He couldn't bring himself to face any of them right now, he… thinks. He frowns, his eyes glued to the single blemish on the gym floor. In the end, he sighs and relents. "…If you insist."
"Great. I'll drag Shinji along, too, since his business should conclude an hour before midnight."
"Wait, you don't—"
"Yuuki," Sanada interrupts. "Trust me, both I and Shinji need to blow of some steams, too. And since you went to Tartarus for—what, three days in a row now, and able to navigate it all by yourself?—then I guess we can trust you to keep us safe."
Trust, huh?
He wants to ask why Sanada thinks he still can be trusted after the damn stunt he's pulled, but refrains from doing so.
He doesn't need to know (can't face) the truth.
The atmosphere is awkward as all hell.
The Evoker is his only comfort as he stands there, waiting for the Dark Hour to begin. Aragaki (you said you were busy!) and the boxer are standing next to each other, exchanging hushed whispers. He doesn't care about the content of their conversation, so he lets them be. It's only a few minutes away, and he had planned on doing the impossible tonight—to face the final, the greatest foe, the Reaper—but it looks like he'll have to scrap that idea and save it for later. He can't endanger them with his own selfish wishes.
The injuries from the previous night still sting a little, and he isn't sure if he should bring it up to the other two at all. He's been… a bit reckless, if he is to be honest with himself. Throwing his life into the fray like he did last night wasn't something he'd usually do, but found himself doing it regardless. He sighs; he really is starting to think and act in circles like a dog chasing its own tail. He really needs to stop.
He shrugs and puts the Evoker back into the holster as the sky turns the sickening shade of green, the moon still bright in the sky. He watches as the school twists and turns, reshaping and remaking itself into the maze that is Tartarus, the tower that exists for no particular purpose except for housing humanity's greatest foes, the Shadows.
"So," Sanada begins as he stretches and punches the air, while Aragaki seems more or less ready to join the fight. Makoto isn't sure what he should make of that, so he just… doesn't. "Which floor were you last at?"
"214th, at the very end of the fifth block."
"Wait a sec," Aragaki says, almost growling. "We were last at the 201st, weren't we?"
Oops.
He doesn't say anything, only shrugging a little. That is exactly when Aragaki almost stomps over to grab him, but Sanada gets in the way first. The older boy doesn't stop with his words, however. "Yuuki, what the actual fuck!? You were climbing up the damn tower alone!? I thought you were just training on the previous floors!"
"I've got nothing better to do," Is what he ends up saying, trying his best to keep his voice leveled and his heart steady. "And I'm confident enough not to screw myself over."
"Kid, what the fuck?" Aragaki snarls. "This ain't 'bout whether you're strong or not! Are you trying to make me worry to death or something!?"
He stops, frowning, before turning to the older boy. "What do you mean?"
"Climbing alone means you're facing new enemies, new dangers, alone! You could've gotten your ass killed!"
"I was—"
"Makoto!"
The usage of his first name by the senior stops him cold. He turns to see Aragaki, to look into the man's eyes as he tries to calm himself down. Only then does he realize that the man's worried sick, and he thinks it's not just about his body, either.
Aragaki sighs, pushing Sanada away before walking towards him. Much to his surprise, the man just puts his hand on his head and ruffles at his hair. "Just… I'm worried 'bout you, y'know? You're precious to me, much like Aki and Mitsuru are. So please… just don't take more risks than necessary. I don't want to lose someone so close to me."
He flinches, and for the second time in his life, he's reminded that his life is not his alone, not anymore. He's already given parts of him to his friends, his confidants, and theirs to him.
He sighs before smiling. "I'm sorry, Aragaki-senpai."
"…Shinjirou," The man says, scratching his cheek. He thinks he sees Sanada snickering. "Call me Shinjirou, or Shinji, or whatever already, brat."
He allows himself to laugh at that. "Alright. Then, I'm sorry… and thank you, Shinjirou-senpai."
"It's as you said, Yuuki," Sanada muses, grinning at the older boy as he tries to stop the boxer from using his shoulder as an armrest. "He really is a Tsundere, huh?"
"I don't need to hear that from someone like you, dude!"
"Um, Sanada-senpai?" He asks as the boxer grabs Ara—ahem, Shinjirou by the shoulder and ruffling his fist over his hair through the beanie. When the man looks up, he says, "I… why are you still trusting me, after…"
"I know the feeling of wanting to repay a debt, Yuuki," He says, letting Shinjirou go. "And from what Shinji told me, it isn't just saving you from a stray dog or anything. He saved you from your despair and your fear. I'd understand that, and I know you didn't mean to put us in harm's way. So yeah, I forgive you, and I still trust you."
"…You guys are unbelievable," He murmurs, shaking his head and smiling minutely. This kind of faith in him… he doesn't deserve it. "Thank you."
"Well! Enough about the depressing stuffs," Sanada claps his hands together. "Let's kick some asses for shits and giggles, shall we?"
"Right," He hums, brandishing the blade in his grip experimentally. "Let's."
He finds himself staring into the ceiling once again.
The little outing with Sanada and Shinjirou proved to be quite… liberating. Letting his mind relax and forcing himself away from thinking about their impending deaths or the trusts he's lost (and the trusts he still manages to keep, somehow) or everything that exists in between is nice. He sighs and sits up, his hand absently palming his desk until he finds the book he hadn't been able to finish for the past week.
He's not going to be sleeping anyway, so why the hell not, right?
Kirijou said they'll talk tomorrow night in order to determine their next course of action. It's unwise to stay lost and without goal like they are now, and he agrees. Although, their choices don't matter much in regard to what he wants to do. He'll still prepare to fight, regardless. But if they choose to forget and live blissfully until the end comes, then so be it.
He can't. But he has already given up the power to make a choice about all of this the moment he kept Ryoji's true nature a secret, anyway.
He sighs and pads his way down towards the lounge, only to almost immediately backtracks when he hears voices. But then again, he's going to run in circles if he keeps to his own room, so he decides to just screw it and walks down.
Kirijou and Yukari (or should he have referred to her as Takeba, now?) are talking, two warm cups of chocolate on the table before them. He doesn't greet them and heads straight for the couch, only to be stopped by Koromaru barking up at him.
He ignores their stares and kneels down to play with the canine a little. "Hey there, Koromaru. Did I wake you up, boy?"
The dog barks and wags his tail, following after him as he sits down on the couch and turns on the TV, not even caring what kind of show is on. After he's settled down, he lets Koromaru rests his jaws on his thigh and starts reading the damn thing; Kafka's Metamorphosis.
Before he even gets two sentences in, Kirijou is calling, her voice flat and controlled. "Yuuki, do you mind coming here a second?"
He doesn't look up, furrowing his brows a little. "I doubt you'd need me close at hand to speak your mind, Senpai. What is it?"
Hushed whispers. Exasperated sighs. He looks up to see Yukari looking straight at him. He finds himself unable to hold his gaze against her and looks away, his eyes glued to the letters on the paper. And then, Kirijou murmurs. "…How have you been?"
"I'm alright," He says, keeping his voice leveled.
"That's good," She mumbles, uncharacteristically so. And then, "Why are you down here this late?"
"Couldn't sleep," He replies truthfully.
"I see," She hums. "Have you made your decision yet?"
He weighs between telling her that his choice does not matter, or to say that he already has. He decides to go for the latter. "Yes."
"…That was fast," He hears Yukari says.
He simply gives the two of them a shrug before going back to his book, trying his best to keep his mind off the things he needs to do. He'll think about Ryoji's cryptic words more tomorrow, but for tonight, he's going to try his damn best to push it all back down and not worrying about it.
He ignores all the other things excepts for Koromaru and his soft, warm fur. He absentmindedly rubs his coat of white and gray with one hand while using the other to flip through the pages. And soon, he finds himself in the zone, everything around him no more than background buzz.
He isn't quite sure how long he's stayed there, but when he finishes the final page and looks up, the dog is already fast asleep, the lights in the kitchen gone, the only sound that accompanies him are soft puffs that Koromaru breathes out.
He smiles and pats his head a little before standing up and stretching himself. He's still wide awake, for some reason, so he just sighs and tries to find something else to do to pass the time—
"You're way into books sometimes, you know?"
He turns to see Yukari sitting at the other end of the couch, her hand playing with the small plush on her phone. Makoto blinks before murmuring. "…Sorry,"
She hums. "How was it?"
He looks down at the cover, then back up at her as she keeps her eyes on the plush and not at him. This much should be expected, he guesses; she's already lost her faith in him, after all. He inwardly sighs and replies. "Existential nihilism is fun."
She doesn't say anything to that, so he lets her be.
But before he walks out, she stops him with a few words. "…I want to know your choice, and the reason."
He tilts his head. "What for?"
She ignores his inquiry. "Can I?"
He looks at her for a long while. She's keeping her face straight and neutral, exceptionally hard to read, even though he could see through her just a few weeks ago. But… then again, this is something he should be expecting, after all.
He then weighs the options in his head. After a while, he decides to only answer a part of it. "I chose not to kill him."
She hums again, brows furrowing. When he doesn't add anything else, she looks up. "…And?"
"The reason doesn't matter. My choice doesn't matter," He says, giving her a tired smile as he waves his hand. "…See you tomorrow."
She doesn't return his goodbye, and it hurts a bit (it hurts like he's dying), but he understands.
So he just leaves it at that and returns to his room.
(Even if he deserves it, it still hurts).
(He wants to cry).
That's it, folk! See you soon!