Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I do not own any of the character, places, names, or anything associated with the works of J.R.R Tolkien or the Lord of the Rings (books or movie, whatever). My characters are Anita, Leila, and Arlandria and that is all.
Chapter 45: Until The Day I Die
It hadn't even taken a full two days before the small battalion of Elves had been gathered and supplied for the march to Helm's Deep. The urgency of the fateful message still hung heavily in the air as Haldir oversaw the preparation for departure. It wasn't hard to see why the elf was so good in his position as a leader of Lorien's troops in protecting the border; there was no detail of their venture that wasn't personally checked by the Marchwarden himself. As Anita had watched Haldir and Glorfindel work together to see the men well rationed and armored, the elleth couldn't help but commend the efforts of the two older Elves. Despite her own personal convictions related to fighting for the world, she knew deep down in her heart that no other of her kind had any true obligation to stay and fight with her. Every elf had the option of sailing West to Valinor and leaving this mess with Sauron to distant memory, never to be troubled by it again. And while she couldn't speak for Haldir's motivation (thought the girl doubted it went further than loyalty to Galadriel) , Ani knew beyond any doubt that Glo only stayed for her, her mentor would never have abandoned her to fight alone. She supposed she would have felt guilty about manipulating that fact, hell she had practically blackmailed him with the knowledge of what Elladan would have done had Glo returned without her, but the core belief that what they were doing was right far- overshadowed any sensation of guilt she could have felt.
The dark haired elleth snuck a peek at the elf she was mulling over in her mind as they marched in rhythm with the rest of the gathered battalion. His face had a determined set to it, matching the other Elves he walked beside; in fact, everything about Glorfindel matched the other elves…he looked as though he belonged among them as one of their warriors. It was Anita that was the anomaly. She was just a few inches shorter than the rest, which in a sea of uniformity was obvious, and unlike the rest of the battalion Ani was the only one that was visibly uncomfortable in the armor they had provided her. It had been a difficult enough task to find armor that would fit her since she was more shapely than any of the other female elves that served under Haldir's command. More than the chest plate of shiny metal being fitted incorrectly, Ani was altogether unfamiliar with wearing armor, much less a chest plate layered on top of hauberk. There was no need for such things in Rivendell where the guard was taught stealth, it was very near impossible to be stealthy when weighed down by layers of metal. The glance that Ani had settled on Glorfindel turned into a jealous glare that her mentor was so at home and comfortable wearing the cumbersome outerwear.
"Your eyes would serve you better were they watching where your feet tread." The tall blonde turned his head slightly to catch her eye with a bemused smirk. Ani snapped her eyes forward to focus on the ground in front of her, not realizing that she had been staring for the past few minutes. "Why do you stare at me so?"
Her mouth turned down at the corners as she considered how to answer her teacher. "I guess I was just thinking how grateful I am that you decided to come along, instead of leaving me to my own devices."
"It was not much of a choice in all honesty." Glo's playful smirk took on a suddenly solemn turn.
"I think we both know that for all his big talk Elladan wouldn't have done anything had you returned home without me. If anything he might be glad to have me out of his hair for a while." Anita sneered as she considered her father's reaction to her being gone. She could understand Leila being upset, but it took a far greater stretch of the imagination to think that Elladan would have been all tore up that the more obstinate of his daughters had taken a sabbatical.
"You pass far too harsh a judgment on your father. He loves you, and he is doing his best to look after you, he cannot help that he has had no practice in fatherhood." Anita shrugged off Glo's words in defense of Elladan. "but it was not your father I was speaking of."
This statement drew the girl's dark eyes from the ground back to the face of her mentor. If it wasn't for fear of her father's wrath then why was Glo so determined to accompany her? Curiously she studied the face of her mentor, which held no hints as to his intention. Was it simply that Glorfindel took his responsibility as her teacher that seriously? A twinge of guilt made the elleth frown to think that she had been less than grateful at times for his tutelage. Glo had been good teacher, dealing with her stubbornness and pride, but never once did he treat her like a spoiled child; he had always made her feel like she belonged learning these skills from him. And for however good a teacher he was, he had been an even better friend; listening to her rant and rail against her father when they had an argument, or the handful of times that homesickness had sunk her into depression. Glorfindel had been the one there for her, and it killed her to think she never had expressed her appreciation.
"Thank you." The words spontaneously spilled out of her mouth without pretense, drawing a surprised look from her mentor. "You know for taking me under your wing and teaching me how to wield a blade, it's saved my ass more than once out here. I'll never understand what possessed you to put up with me on the guard, but I am thankful that you took that chance on me. So thanks."
Of all the responses she expected from the Elf at her side, the heavy sigh that escaped him was not one of them. Reaching into his tunic under layers of armor, the elf produced a well-worn folded piece of paper from an inner pocket. Ani only had to look at the slightly frayed paper to know that it had been folded and refolded many, many times. Curiously, she looked from the folded paper to her mentor and back again.
"I must show you something." The grave expression and tone he donned made Anita's steps falter with trepidation, nearly causing her to fall out of line. "I have had this letter in my possession, knowing that I should show it to you, but knew neither the appropriate time or place. I have carried it with me every day, but never had the strength to show you… I suppose now is as good a time as any."
Carefully he handed the paper to her as though it were a precious gem or a fragile keepsake. Ani took it between her fingers, studying it before turning back to Glo. Whatever is was, it had a strong emotional hold over the older elf, the struggle to hand it over was written clearly on his normally calm face. With meticulous movements, she unfolded the paper along the creases until it opened to its full size. The script was Elven, neatly written across the page with a steady hand. A letter. It took great pains for Ani to be able to read elven script, since she had been a less than astute student when it came to Elven languages, so she quickly scanned the length of the letter for anything that stood out to her. Nothing about the letter seemed extraordinary or out of place until she got to signature at the very bottom, Anita could recognize that flourished curly-cue A anywhere…it was her mother's signature. A letter that her mother had written to Glorfindel. Ani yanked her eyes away from the letter she held, if it was from her mother to Glo then it was personal and none of her business. Glo patter her shoulder, drawing her gaze up to him, and he nodded his head giving her permission to pry into a very personal and private conversation. Taking great care with her steps as she continued to walk with the battalion, Anita dove into the letter sounding out each letter until she had translated the entire page.
My Dearest Glorfindel;
It is with a heavily burdened heart that I write this letter to you. Surely you can be at no loss for why I write you now, certainly if word has reached ME of my daughter's misconduct then you too must be well aware. I tell you Glorfindel that I fear for the wellbeing of my child if this is allowed to continue. I know, dear Glorfindel, that I have you hurt beyond measure, and I am sorry if this letter and the favor that I must ask of you cause you more undo pain. Please believe that it is not my intention. Elladan may be the father of my children, but I fear that he is ill-prepared to handle Anita's strong and independent spirit. If the news I have received from him is to be believed then my fears about sending her to Rivendell were not unfounded. Anita needs strong guidance, she has always depended on others, looked to others to know when her behavior is unacceptable. Without someone she trusts fully there to help her, to guide her, I fear that she will unravel and be lost to us all forever.
Any trespasses I have committed against you, however you may feel towards me after the last time we spoke… I ask you to lay them aside. Do not judge my child on my actions, for she is guiltless in how our past played out. I beseech you Glorfindel to help my daughter now when she is most vulnerable and desperately needs a friend and a mentor. There is no one else I would trust more with this task, no one else that I could trust Anita's safety to. I know your heart, and if there is even a glimmer of the love there that you used to hold for me, perhaps you can find the will to see this task done.
Yours Eternally,
Arlandria
Anita checked the date at the top of the letter, sure enough it was written days, mere days, before Glorfindel and her grandfather had worked out an arrangement for her to study under the captain's training. If Glo had needed time to consider her mother's request, he hadn't needed very much time. Her eyes were still trained on the paper, but the elleth's mind was a million miles away. If things had been different, if her mother and Glorfindel had never had their falling out, if he was their father instead of Elladan…how her life would have been different. Her mind was filled with images of a happy family, a complete family. Her and Leila would have been born and grown up in Rivendell, her mother and Glorfindel raising them together in a picturesque loving household. Leila would have grown up a proper elven lady, and Anita would have trained with Glorfindel from the time she was big enough to hold a sword, training to take his place as captain of the guard. There wouldn't have been secrets about the past or who their father was, because Glo would have been right there to raise them from the start. As improbable and unrealistic as the day dream was, it was an image that burned itself into Anita's mind, there to taunt her every time she closed her eyes.
Slowly, the elleth refolded the letter into a perfect small square and handed it back to her mentor, who was watching her closely for a reaction. How could she react? How should she react? Her loving mother who was always looking out for her children had been the driving force behind Glorfindel taking her on as a student. And Glo's actions in response to her mother's request spoke for themselves.
"You should go visit her," Ani finally spoke after a drawn out moment of silence. "You know when all this craziness finally settles down and no one is trying to take over the world… you should go and visit my mom in Tucson."
Glorfindel shook his head so definitively that his pale blonde locks waved back and forth across his shoulders as he tucked the letter back into his tunic. "It would not be honorable of me to seek her out. She is betrothed to Elladan."
Ani gave a derisive snort, " Obviously she isn't too keen on following through with that or she would have come back with Lei and I. She chose a different path in life than just being someone's wife. And I'm not saying go and sweep her off her feet, but you guys deserve the chance to fix whatever problems exist between you. My mom gave up her life for Lei and I to grow up in a place far away from the limitations and expectations of this world, of our kind, she did everything to let us grow up as independently as possible, to make our own choices and learn from our own consequences. She never really had or did anything for herself. Mom deserves as much a shot at being happy as we do."
Glorfindel appeared thoughtful, turning over the possibility in his mind. But Ani could see in his eyes that he had gone to some far off place in his head, probably his own personal version of imaginationland that she had visited not but a moment ago. "Perhaps," he said quietly after a moment of quit contemplation, "perhaps I will pay her a visit. As a friend of course."
"Oh of course." Ani said with a wide grin, not believing him for even a second. The topic never crossed between then again as they marched for days towards Rohan and Helm's Deep. Glorfindel instead chose to drill her about what she had learned over the past few years, how to block attacks, what she knew of orc weaponry and how they fought. Glo had taught her very well, and she had an answer for every question and scenario he posed, even once or twice earning a look of pride from her teacher. Glorfindel also took the time to supplement the knowledge that Anita already had with additional information about fighting with a whole battalion as well as how to fight in confined fortresses. While Ani was ever thankful for the extra tutoring she was getting before jumping headlong into a massive battle, she wished she had the gall to bring up Legolas' proposal. If there was one person she could trust to give her sound impartial advice on such a matter is would have been her mentor. But somewhere inside, the girl was embarrassed to ask him his thoughts on such a topic. It felt like it should have been cut and dry; did she or didn't she want to marry him? But in her heart it didn't feel that black and white, the choices weren't really that clear. Silently she cursed her newfound abashment and quietly suffered within her own mental prison on questions.
It took a few days but finally Glorfindel informed her that they should be reaching Helm's Deep by the time darkness fell that night. Ani didn't know how he could possibly know that since the landscape hadn't changed even a little bit since they had left Lothlorien, but she trusted the older elf's instincts and kept a sharp eye out for a castle. They had been marching for quite some time, stopping only when it became absolutely necessary…which in elven terms meant once, and Anita's knees would be grateful for a break from the repetitive motion. As the sun set and the mountains grew closer with each step, Ani knew they were nearly to their destination. Clouds had started to gather overhead, dark angry clouds that looked heavy with rain, stealing the last remaining rays of the light as the sun disappeared. In the fading twilight, Glo pointed out Helm's Deep far ahead of the marching Elves, and Ani was surprised to see that it didn't look anything like she imagined. It wasn't a free standing castle like she had pictured in her mind, but a great fortress carved in the stone at the base of the mountain, as much a part of the range as any rock or stone. For how concerned Galadriel had sounded while talking about the people of Rohan hiding here, it looked pretty sturdy to Anita, the girl was quite convinced any army would need a tank division to roll over the high thick walls.
They marched onward, the darkness quickly covering the land and snuffing out the light. Glorfindel suddenly grasped Anita's arm and pulled her out of the line of soldiers and she yelped in surprise. Placing a hand on each arm, Glo steadied the girl on her feet and turned her so she face him fully and he could look her in the face and she back at him. "Anita are you certain this is what you want to do, this is the last opportunity to change your mind."
The dark haired elleth was touched at the look of protective concern that was etched into her mentor's face. He would follow her to whatever end if it meant keeping her safe, and he would just as soon run her to safety if that's what she wanted. But this wasn't about what Anita wanted…it never had been . She decidedly nodded her head a few times before she spoke. " This isn't about me Glo, this is about right and wrong. I know what the right choice here is, and If I don't make the right choice then by default I am in the wrong. I can't live with myself knowing I could have helped and saved someone but didn't because I didn't 'want' to."
Glorfindel released her arms and together they followed after the battalion falling into step behind the others. Up ahead she heard Haldir give the command to herald their approach and the clean sound of a horn broke apart the silence that hung heavily over the group of soldiers. Their boots sounded in unison on the stone walkway leading up to the great wooden doors that opened to let them into fortress. As a unit they stopped and waited for Haldir to give them a command, but unlike the other elves in line, Anita couldn't stop herself from looking around at Helm's Deep. The girl marveled at the massive stone work around her, knowing that it would have taken years to carve the parapets, the stairs, the walls, and great hall. As she looked around at the fortress around her, she also studied the world-weary faces of the men and boys and had come to see the sight of an Elvish Army. Some were far too old to be fighting in such a battle, and some were far too young to know how to hold a sword. Seeing the mix of people and the look of fear on their faces, fear of the night that lay ahead of them , Anita knew beyond a doubt she had made the right choice to come here and help them survive.
That feeling lasted a whole of five minutes as she continued to study the faces, occasionally catching the eye of a young boy and giving him a reassuring smile, until she felt a burning sensation on the side of her head that she had come to associate with Elladan's scalding look of disapproval. Turning she met a pair of blue eyes that she was very familiar with. A surge of joy jolted through her, making her heart skip to see him again. But just as soon as joy flooded her, it turned to dread as she understood he didn't have the same expression on his face. In fact if anything he had the exact opposite look on his face, and as their eyes locked and she saw the look of unbridled fury across Legolas' features, she questioned what she was doing at Helm's Deep.
Until the Day I Die- Story of the Year