Disclaimer: This is a work of fanfiction. I do not own any of the character, places, names, or anything associated with the works of J.R.R Tolkien or the Lord of the Rings (books or movie, whatever). My characters are Anita, Leila, and Arlandria and that is all.
Chapter 52: Away From the Sun
The ride back to Edoras was painfully silent amongst the members of the company, each rider stewing in their own personal feelings toward what had transpired in Isengard that morning. The horses were making excellent time across the plains, their hooves beating out a fast tempo on the golden grass that was spread out like a sea before them. It came as no secret that the horses found strength to spurn them forward in the desire to put distance between themselves and Fangorn Forest, as much distance as speed would allow. Merry had made several failed attempts at engaging Anita in conversation, all of which went unanswered without so much as a backward glance at the little Hobbit. Merry soon gave up, even for him it wasn't difficult to see that the Elven lady was in a foul mood. What the Hobbit could not have known was that Ani's temper had been flaring like sun spots over the past twenty four hours, and that it was in no way related to his presence. The demons kicking around inside of her consciousness were doing well enough to pick away at her fragile sense of control without help from outside influence.
It angered and confused Anita that her opinion had been so easily invalidated outside of Orthanc. Granted, her emotional pendulum had given off the appearance of instability, but she had a valid point and she knew Gandalf knew it. Her own world had made some amazing technological advances; not just for recreation like iPods or computers, but in medicine and other important areas of science, it was something that Ani had always been supremely proud of her home. The darker side to that was the advances in other more sinister areas; genocide, war machines, biochemical weapons… all were the unfortunate side effect of better technology and research. Information pertaining to those darker advancements was readily accessible to anyone that could read, hell even her high school chemistry book had explained mustard gas in depth. Saruman had been able to access that information, and probably more, and there was no doubt that information would find its way to the ears of Sauron. It could mean the easy annihilation of every last person in Milddle Earth. The creation of the black powder bomb had been enough to decimate the defenses at Helm's Deep. By all accounts the breach of the outer defenses should have meant the end of anyone trapped within that mountain fortress, it was only by the miracle of Gandalf and Eomer's well times entrance with the Rohirrim that they had survived. Guilt struck her so hard that Anita nearly lost her control of the reins. By all accounts she shouldn't have survived, none of them should have, she belonged lying in a puddle of her own blood right next to Glorfindel. Hiding like a scared rabbit had saved her, it was a reality that the dark haired girl couldn't swallow without choking on it.
Quite suddenly Edoras loomed into sight, the village built upon a hill seeming to spring from the plains like a prairie dog. Citizens poured in through the main gate to the city along with hundreds of refugees; those who had lost their villages to pillaging orcs. For the most part the city was untouched by the events of the last few days, the orcs main focus of course being to track the humans to Helm's Deep and slaughter them there. Together the company rode through the crowds of people, who in deference to their king parted to make way, up the hill to peak where the Golden Hall sat. Stable hands took their horses for much needed rest, and in silence the small group entered Meduseld and were immediately swept up in a flurry of movement. Most of the refugees from other small villages had made their way to the Golden Hall seeking temporary shelter, the result was utter chaos. At the center of all the upheaval stood Eowyn, barking out commands and giving directions trying to make sense of the madness. When she saw the King and entourage enter through the large wooden doors at the front of the Hall, she abandoned her post and came to meet them.
"What news do you bring from Isengard?" The pale blonde of Eowyns hair fell around her face, highlighting the flush in her skin from the stress of trying to wrangle the refugees.
"None that need darken your thoughts tonight, niece." There was a heavy note in Theoden's evasive response to the girl's question, weariness was apparent in every movement the king made. The past week had laid very heavily on his already world weary shoulders. Giving her arm a comforting squeeze as he walked past her, Theoden stepped around Eowyn without offering her any more information. Gandalf and Aragorn followed behind the king silently, the Ranger taking a moment to spare a long glance with the Lady of Rohan that didn't go unnoticed by anyone. Gimli and the Hobbits went off in search of the kitchens where they hoped to find food ready for consumption. Eowyn turned to watch her uncle, Gandalf, and Aragorn recede into the swirling crowd before turning her attention to the two elves left in front of her. Anita was stuck, unsure of what to do. She had enough of Middle Earth politics for one day, leaving her with no desire to hear the conversation the king and the wizard were having, and her appetite had yet to return to her, meaning a trip to the kitchens would do little for her.
"I saved you a room Anita, I thought perhaps would enjoy having privacy." It would be nice to have something resembling privacy, since that was a commodity she had seen little of since leaving her home in Rivendell. The elf managed to mumble out a 'thank you' before indicating that Eowyn should lead the way. Before Anita had taken a step to follow the human, Legolas gently gripped her wrist.
"I should examine the wound, you may not yet heal like an Elf." Anita wasn't in the mood to argue with him, in fact she wasn't in the mood to do much of anything, so if letting him take a look at the cut that marred her arm meant he could leave her to mull in her own thoughts sooner then so be it. Together the two elves followed Eowyn through the dense crowd of people crammed into the hallways and to a set of stairs. There was almost no one on the second floor in this wing of the building, leaving Ani to conclude that these were private quarters, it wouldn't have surprised her to learn that Eowyn's own room was located in this hallway. Following along the line of doors, the trio came to a halt in front of the last room on the floor.
"I hope that when you have finished refreshing yourself you will come to the great hall and help those of us preparing for tonight?" Eowyn's question halted Ani as she tried to enter the room. Pausing, the dark haired elf gave the woman in front of her a quizzical look indicating that she handn't the faintest clue to what she was referring. Catching on, the Lady of Rohan explained, " We are hosting a great feast in honor of those who fell at Helm's Deep, to show gratitude for their sacrifice."
Ani's eye twitched involuntarily. Annoyance bubbled up inside her, fueled by lack of any real sleep and her own poisonous guilt. Legolas opened his mouth to diffuse the situation before it could turn volatile, but Ani was faster, cutting him off before a single sound left his lips. "Did you know them personally? The men who died at Helm's Deep?"
Eowyn was clearly taken aback at this question, and carefully thought out her response before slowly answering, "No I cannot say that I had met them all personally but…."
"Perhaps you wouldn't be so quick to celebrate their sacrifice if you knew who had really been lost then." Anita snapped with more force than necessary, cutting off the blonde mid reply. Eowyn in turn went slack jawed at Anita's chastisement of her, her mouth hanging open unable to form any kind of rebuttal. Not that the elleth waited for one, stalking into the room with a snort of derision. Legolas and Eowyn remained in the hallway, both too stunned by the harshness of Ani's statement to move.
Finally Eowyn regained control of her mouth and form words. " I meant no offense." She whispered, not so much for Legolas' benefit as her own . The lady looked near tears as she brushed past Legolas, her head bent to hide the shame creeping up her face. Legolas watched Eowyn disappear down the hall before swiveling his head around to where Anita stood in the bedroom, unbuttoning her tunic. Her studied her fiercely, but saw no trace of regret on his lover's face for the way she had just spoken. Legolas sighed, this had to stop. Stepping inside the bedroom fully, the elven prince closed the door behind him solidly.
"That was wholly unnecessary." Legolas' voice was level and controlled as he spoke to Anita. As he spoke, the girl finished unbuttoning her tunic and harshly ripped it from her shoulders to toss it on the bed. She started to reply to his accusation but the prince wasn't finished, and he held a hand up to cut her off as he continued, "And your attitude towards your companions as of late is less than appreciated. What ails you?"
Anita was pretty sure that was Middle Earth speak for 'what bug crawled up your ass', and if Legolas wanted to know so badly then she would tell him. "I don't understand how they can stomach the thought of throwing a party," she spat the word out like it was poisonous, " at a time like this ,when the ashes of friends who were killed haven't even been scattered to the winds."
"Tis a celebration to show gratitude , to celebrate surviving."
The girl snorted as she turned to the water basin which sat atop a small chest of drawers. Filling the bowl with clean water from the pitcher, Ani began cleaning her face of all the much from the past few days. "Surviving at what cost though?" She mumbled as she splashed water on her face.
Immediately the prince's stern features softened, easily reading through what Ani had spoken to the heart of what she truly meant. "You still grieve for Glorfindel."
Drying her face and hands with a small towel, the elleth sighed heavily. It wasn't a question of if she still grieved, clearly Legolas was able to see that she struggled even now with her loss. Setting the towel aside, Anita rested the palms of her hands on the top of the drawers and leaned her whole weigh against them, not daring to turn around and look at the elf that stood behind her. "My dad kept saying that my disregard for rules and protocol would lead me to disaster…turns out the price paid for my arrogance and defiance was paid in blood by my mentor and friend."
Legolas stepped forward, but didn't yet reach out to touch the girl's slim frame as she hunched over the washbasin. The elf lowered his voice to barely more than a whisper so no passerby could eavesdrop, "Glorfindel's death was not of your making."
Anita let out a choked laugh as her throat began to sting with the sensation of unshed tears begging to be released. She squeezed her brown eyes shut to fight off any temptation to cry. "Glo didn't want to come here and fight for Rohan. He didn't think it was our problem, wasn't our fight to get involved with. Coming here was MY idea. I practically blackmailed him into coming with me. If it wasn't for me, Glo and I would be safely back in Rivendell, he might have even taken one of the ships to Valinor. He lies dead because he followed me on one of my pig headed expeditions and he paid the ultimate price for listening to me."
"Is that what haunts your dreams?" Legolas took another step towards Ani, as he moved forward she turned to face him, resting her back against the chest of drawers. " You are filled with guilt because you lay the burden of Glorfindel's death at your own feet?"
Crossing her arms over her chest, Anita slowly shook her head as her eyes fixated on a random spot in on the floorboards, anything to prevent making eye contact. "No. This is guilt. You can reason with guilt, talk your way to freedom away from guilt. This…this is something else entirely. I can't reason with myself, I can't tell myself that it was 'out of my hands' or 'not my choice to make' because it won't listen. Every time I close my eyes I…"
The girl stopped to clear her throat as the threat of crying reemerged, creating a lump in her throat that was near impossible to talk around. "What do you see?" Legolas prompted as he leaned close. It took a long moment before Anita was able to finish her sentence.
"I see Glorfindel die, again and again, each time by my own hand," Her voice was hoarse from holding back tears. Raising her eyes to meet his gaze, Legolas was shocked to see her eyes rimmed with red from the effort of holding back. "No…you can't say it's not of my making. It was my choices that led him here to die. The evidence is piled against me and a verdict has been passed; guilty. Now each time I draw breath, every day I wake up from the nightmares I am filled with such loathing for myself. I HATE myself for surviving. I can't stand to look at myself in a mirror, and the thought of taking pleasure in any part of life from here on out sickens me because I don't deserve it! I am unworthy of the life that Glo sacrificed himself to save. I am unworthy."
Silence filled the space between the two elves as the weight of her words sank in, Legolas' gaze never leaving Ani's face. The seconds ticked by, and as time wore on the girl began to feel more and more of herself was exposed under the prince's intense gaze. Finally unable to stand the weight of the silence she spoke again. "You go downstairs and celebrate if your conscience will let you, but I'll have none of it." Ani tried to step around him to reach the bed, but Legolas gathered her into his arms and pulled her into a tight embrace, his arms wrapped securely around her torso and his cheek resting on her forehead. More than anything the elleth wanted to surrender herself to his embrace where she was sure to find absolution from her perceived sins, but the overwhelming sensation that she was undeserving of that forgiveness prevented her from returning the hug.
Just as she was about to try and wiggle free from his touch, Legolas broke his silence. " Glorfindel told me once that the closest he would ever come to fatherhood was having you in his charge. He loved and protected you as his own flesh and blood. Glo would have been glad to offer his life in exchange for yours; do not undermine that sacrifice by regretting the life he saved." Anita bit her lip ferociously as she pressed her face into his shoulder, trying desperately to hide the accumulation of moisture in her eyes. In her heart she knew it to be true, Glorfindel had loved her like a daughter. She thought back to seven years ago when she had first arrived in Rivendell to be united with her father, all the animosity her mentor had shown to her back then. Now it made sense; she was the product of a relationship her mother had forged simply to punish Glo, and she and her twin had been the unexpected side effect of her mother's indiscretion. Despite the hurt he had endured, the ancient elf had taken Ani under his wing; everything the girl knew about being an elf she had learned from Glorfindel.
"Perhaps it is time you returned home to Rivendell." The elf's statement brought her back to the present moment. Moving her hands between their bodies, Anita solidly pushed herself away from Legolas and broke the embrace; abjuring the physical contact and any comfort to be found there. Taking a step back, the girl levelled her stare at the elf in front of her; dark brown eyes meeting blue in a steely gaze.
"I can't do that." Ani said, proud of how calm and level her voice sounded. "I need to try and make sense of all this, I need to use my anger and guilt as the reason to find ways to push forward. As it stands now, Glorfindel's death was in vain because I haven't proven myself, I haven't done anything to have earned a second chance at life. I have to find the answer to that question. If I go back home now, then I have cemented my own doubts and I will never be able to justify his sacrifice. I have to see this through to the very end, to whatever way it ends, because the choice of going back home and pretending none of this is real died with Glo."
Legolas studied the younger elleth in front of him for a long silent moment, his eyes coming to rest on the shallow wound that decorated her upper right arm where the Uruks blade had found her flesh. Even from here he could see it has scabbed over and there were no signs of infection; Ani was healing quickly. Sometimes the prince had to remind himself that she was no weak human girl, Anita was an elf and therefore endowed with all the strengths and abilities of their people. His blue eyes shifted down from her arm to the ring that adorned her hand. She wasn't just any elf, she wore his token, she was the elf that he cherished above all else and who he wanted to spend the rest of his days with. The gravity of the situation spread across him like a heavy cloak, weighing him down even as he tried to understand the path that now lay before them. It was a terrible double edged sword; on one hand Legolas wanted nothing more than to send Anita back to hide behind the walls of Rivendell where she would be safe from harm and exposure to the evil that poisoned their world. The prince knew however that if the elleth standing before him were to return to her sheltered life now without the answers she was seeking it would mean the end of her. The tumultuous flowing river that was Anita's emotions was the reason that Legolas loved the dark haired elleth so, it was also the very thing dragging her into the darkness.
Legolas gave a short huff, a great sign of exasperation from an elf with such control over his emotions. He had no answer for Ani, not that it would matter since the girl would follow her own choices down whatever path regardless of what he said. The tall elf stepped forward and closed the short gap between their bodies and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead. "Consider coming downstairs, perhaps it will sooth your conscience to pay a final tribute of farewell to Glorfindel." A sharp rap at the door interrupted Anita before she could say a word in response to Legolas' suggestion. Eowyn let herself in the room, her arms laden with clothing which she set on the vanity without making eye contact with the two elves in the room. Seeing the human woman in his periphery, Legolas gave the smaller elleth in front of him a very pointed look that filled Ani with remorse for what she said earlier. "It would do also do you well to eat something." And with that Legolas turned and swept out of the room, leaving Anita to stare after him filled with envy at his natural grace. He was right, it would be nice to eat something since the girl couldn't recount the last time she had put sustenance in her body. But that wasn't really the most important thing at hand.
Eowyn had finished her errand in the room and had begun to make her exit when Anita called out to her. "Eowyn!" The sound of her name brought the woman to stop just within the room, though she didn't turn to look at the elleth. "I'm sorry, about what I said earlier. It was really shitty of me. War is hard for everyone, it was selfish of me to try and rate my losses as more important than yours when we are all hurting."
The thin woman turned her freckled face to look at Anita with a sad look, "You are most fortunate that you are allowed on the battlefield, to fight beside those you care for, to protect them and to defend this land; you are not forced to hide like cattle being saved from wolves. You proudly stood by these soldiers in their final moments of life. Of this I am most envious."
"Yeah," Anita sneered, "Don't believe all the great fables, and songs, and poems about war…it's not really as glorious as they try to paint it."
Eowyn's gentle voice was a whisper as she inquired, " What is it like then, to wage war and raise sword in defense of our people?'
The girl looked down at her hands, hands that had fought against an angry horde of Uruks, hands that had defended her twin and town against invading goblins. A dark feeling crept into her mind as she understood what Eowyn was really asking of her; What had it felt like to take a life? She clenched her hands into loose fists, and shut her eyes as images of the last few days assaulted her mind in perfect clarity. What words were there for such an experience? " When you are in the heat of battle, it doesn't feel like anything – it's all instinct an adrenaline," the words begin to flow forth from Ani's mouth, bubbling up from within her unconsciously, "You do what you have to do in order to survive , to see another day. But in the quiet hours if the night, before sleep can take you, it's easy to relive every kill…to feel the blade sink into flesh of an enemy beneath your fingers, to watch as the life leaves a friend and ally as they bleed on the ground. It makes for some very disturbing dreams."
It is clear that this is not what Eowyn expected to hear, and her eyes glaze over in fear as Anita speaks. The Lady of Rohan slowly let out a breath neither person in the room realized she was holding and she turned away from the look of raw agony covering Ani's features. The only response she was capable of giving was to nod her head in acknowledgement before changing the subject entirely. "There is suitable clothing on the vanity if you choose to join the celebration tonight," she indicated with a flick of her wrist to the pile of clothing she had deposited a few moments before. Anita forced herself to thank her host as graciously as she could, even if it did sound robotic. Both women turned away to return to their previous activities; Ani picking up the damp cloth to scrub her arms clean as Eowyn walked towards the door. The woman stopped just within the door frame, her pale hand resting on the wood.
"If I may ask an impertinent question," Eowyn chewed on her lip as she thought over whether to continue or not," who was he?"
Ani turned back to look at the human before her, cloth still in hand as she continued the motions of cleaning the blood and dirt from her arms. " Who was who?"
"The elf you buried at Helm's Deep." Anita sucked a sharp breath in through her nose, but Eowyn continued, "Everyone speaks of the care you took, and how you treated him with immense honor even in death. "
The elleth's hands stopped moving as a flash from one of her nightmares, her covered in crimson blood plunging her blade into Glorfindel, filled her eyes for only a second. The question hung in the air between in a long stretched out moment before Ani found the strength to answer. "His name was Glorfindel, he was my teacher and my greatest friend."
Eowyn cast a glance back at the elleth over her shoulder and their eyes locked briefly, there the woman could see all the pain and turmoil that raged within the dark haired elf's heart since the loss of her mentor. "He must have been a very good teacher indeed, for it is the sign of excellent tutelage in a battle when the teacher is outlived by his student."
It took every ounce of strength the girl possessed in her slim body to not burst into tears then and there, but she kept her composure and swallowed back the sting of tears at the back of her throat. "Yes, he was a great teacher indeed."
Away from the Sun- 3 Doors Down