A/N: So someone noted that I have quite a few typos and mistakes in my story that interrupts the flow while reading. I apologize for this. As those of you who often read my stories know I can often take a long time between updates, I hate keeping you all waiting so when inspiration hits or I find time to actually sit and write I want to get up the updates as fast as possible and don't want to add a day or two onto updating to wait for a beta. Unfortunately this leads to a few grammar and typo mistakes (i am a terrible self proof reader). I apologize but I figure you'd rather have the updates and deal with some mistakes than wait even longer. If this really bothers you my readers I will consider the beta route. For now I will put in extra effort to find my mistakes so that the flow isn't interrupted as much. Thank you for your understanding
As for this chapter, I hope you all like it. I hope you like how Rachel comes to her decision and that you like what she decides. From perhaps after the next chapter on there will be more and larger time jumps. I have a lot of time (years) to cover and I don't want this story to drag on forever. Disclaimer: I do not own Glee or any of its characters. Glee belongs to its creators and FOX.
Please review and let me know what you think. THANKS!
Chapter 5.
Quinn didn't make it that Friday, she called on Thursday to apologize and tell me that she'd been selected by her professor to perform for the Board of Governor's that next Friday. I was so proud of he but I couldn't help but feel disappointed. It was odd how fast something becomes routine, Quinn had be in New York two weekends in a row and it already felt weird not having her here.
The week dragged on. Quinn called a few times to check up on me but rehearsals were keeping her busy. I guess it was good thing to have so much time to myself. I focused on school and every night I sat on my bed creating Power Points for each of my options. I needed to make a decision soon. My presentation for keeping the baby was the longest but had the most questions and unknown variables. The shortest and most heart aching to create was the abortion power point. Adoption lye in the middle as it had since I found out about my pregnancy.
When not working on my power points or doing school work I hung out with Kurt and Santana, it was actually nice and refreshing. I hadn't really spent time with either of them one on one since Quinn came that fist weekend. I felt bad, like I was ignoring them. When I'd said so to them they'd both waved me off.
"It's a difficult time for you Berry. Its understandable that you'd want to be with someone who can relate."
"You're my best friends though."
"And we'll continue to be Sweetie. Neither of us feels abandoned or rejected. We like having Quinn here just as much as you, so no worries." Kurt smiled before suggesting a movie night.
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Finally it was Friday again and like clockwork Quinn was at our front door though this time when I opened the door she didn't seem as excited to see me. Instead she looked to be in shock and near tears. I was instantly worried for my rock.
"Quinn, you alright?"
She didn't respond and glanced down at the phone in her hand.
"Did someone call?" I implored a second time.
"I…umm…" She stumbled for her words. Flagging down Santana and Kurt from the kitchen they helped me move the catatonic Quinn into our apartment and onto the couch.
No one said anything. Kurt sat across from Quinn giving her a comforting smile. Santana and I sat on her left and right holding one of her cold hands in each of ours. Suddenly the phone beeped. That seemed to knock her from her stupor as she frantically lunged for the device and read the message. A lone tear cascaded down her porcelain cheek.
"Quinn?" I ventured a third time hoping she'd tell me what was going on. I was really getting scared now.
"Sh…Shelby called." She finally whispered. Kurt gasped in surprise while Santana gave me a worried look. What had Shelby wanted? Was she taking my advice? I sure hoped so.
"Is Beth alright?" Kurt hesitantly asked.
Quinn nodded, "She, Shelby, she called to apologize to me. To say she was proud of me for making such great strides in fixing my life and going after my dreams. That Beth was proud. She…" Quinn shook her head as if trying to wake up from a dream. "She said she'd been a hypocrite. That I'd done no different than she had when she tried to contact Rachel the first time."
I squeezed her hand as she paused again. There was so much turmoil swirling in her hazel depths yet I could see the beacon of hope shining through.
"She wants me to visit, to be in Beth's life again," Quinn finally chocked out. "If I want to, she texted me the directions to Beth's favorite playground in Central Park. If I want to be in Beth's life, to work things out with Shelby, I should show up there tomorrow at ten."
My heart swelled. Santana gave me a radiating appreciative smile. Shelby was taking my words to heart. She was offering Quinn a second chance and at the same time accepting my offer to get to know her, to try and build a relationship with her.
"What are you going to do?" I asked.
I saw Quinn dip and close her eyes for a moment. Then she was suddenly standing and turning away from me. "S, run?" she asked desperately.
Santana was on her feet instantly, "sure Cap." Within 5 minutes the former Cheerios were changed and out the door.
Pain shot through my chest at the sound of the closing door. What had happened? I'd been supportive, I asked Quinn what she wanted and all Quinn did was throw up her walls, ignore me, and go running with Santana. What the hell. Why didn't Quinn want to talk to me about this? Who better to understand than myself, Shelby was my birth mother after all.
A strong hand came to my should and rubbed it, "Don't take it personally." Kurt's gentle voice reached me.
"How can't I? She ignored me."
Kurt sighed and guided me to sit next to him. "Rachel I know Quinn's been great these past few weeks. She's been there for you but she is still Quinn."
I glared at him, "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means Quinn is great with other people's problems other people's emotions. She gives great advice, she's a good listener, she's compassionate but when it comes to her own problems, her own emotions, she shuts down. She doesn't know how to share or open up. I believe she was taught it was weakness to show emotion, to need help."
I huffed, "But she went with Santana."
"To run. I doubt much talking will go on. Quinn needs to process what's happened. I know she doesn't talk about it, but I'm sure she thought she'd never see Beth again. Now she's been offered that chance. Even if she does talk to Santana you can't be surprised, they've been best friends for years and Santana knows more about Quinn and her life than anyone. I know you and Quinn have this unique strong bond but perhaps right now she needed someone who'd just know without asking or talking."
Everything Kurt was saying is absolutely true and I know it. As the words spilled out of his mouth I knew it was so, that Quinn needed a process to think before talking about the situation. She could do that with Santana. Santana wouldn't push. I would have. It was just the nature of our relationship. We challenged one another, forced each other to see the truth no matter how much it hurt or we weren't ready for it. Kurt was right but that didn't me I wanted him to be.
"I'd just listen." I retorted in vain as he cocked an eyebrow at me. Damn Quinn and her eyebrow raise, now everyone used it on me. "Fine I wouldn't. Come on let's get dinner ready."
Quinn and Santana returned and hour and half later and instantly disappeared behind Santana's partition. Santana was the only one to reappear.
"What's to eat Wonder Twins?" She asked as she sniffed the kitchen air.
"Chicken and rice," Kurt replied.
"Yummy." Santana made a disgusted face as she went about getting the dishes.
"Is Quinn joining?" I asked nervously.
"No."
"She should eat." I reminded the Latina.
"She'll just throw it up. Leave her be Berry, she'll come to you when she's ready."
"Did she make a decision?"
Santana sighed, "Yeah, the wrong one. Damn Russell and his brainwashing. I think I got her to see reason though. Now we just wait to see who wins, Old Quinn who feels she isn't good enough or New Quinn who knows her Dad was wrong."
I bite my lip and look towards were Quinn is hid, "I could…."
"You could nothing Berry. Nothing you say will help or matter. Q needs to make this decision on her own or she'll never go through with it, so leave her."
I acquiesced to Santana's plea. Santana knew Quinn best and if she needed space and time then I'd give it to her.
That night I stared at my power points. Pros and cons from each option right next to one another.
Keeping baby
Pros: Love, hold, and care for my child
See my child everyday
Provide for my flesh and blood
Be the mother to my child that Shelby never was to me.
Have Quinn's support.
Cons: Drop out of school
Lose Broadway dream
Expensive, can I afford it?
Move back to Lima
Disappoint my parents
End up in a dead end job.
To young, fail as a parent
Judgment of others.
Abortion
Pros: Stay in school
Continue my dream
No one else needs to know
Cons: Kill my own baby
Expensive
Possible complications later in life
Guilt
Quinn's (unexpressed) disappointment.
Adoption
Pros: Don't kill my baby
Experience of my baby's birth
Stay in school after a year deferring
Keep my dream
Least expensive
Provide a worthy family with their dream of having a child
Stay in touch if open adoption
Cons: Giving up my child, know Quinn's pain.
Disappointing my parents
Guilt, being like Shelby
No contact if closed adoption
Judgment of others
Media finding out one day
Ugh this was too hard. I didn't want to make this decision, why was this happening to me. I made one mistake, one night without protection and this happens. I've been good all my life, followed the rules, never stepped out of line once and now I'm being punished for one mistake. I grunt in frustration before shutting down my computer and going to sleep.
Someone jostling my body wakes me long before my internal clock is ready. "What?" I look around to see Quinn gazing down at me. "Quinn?"
"Hey." She said tentatively and quietly.
"What's wrong?' I push myself into sitting position.
She looked away before facing me, "Nothing, I um I have a question for you."
"Okay."
"Will…I want to see her, I need to. But and I'll understand if the answer is no…but will you go with me?"
I was shocked by her request. Just last night she shut me out and now she was here asking me to go with her to meet Beth. She took my silence the wrong way though as she began to back track.
"I'm sorry it was insensitive of me to ask. I know things between you and Shelby are shaky. I'm so sorry Rach. I…"
I placed my pointer finger against her lips to quiet her. "No, I mean I'd love to go with you. I was just shocked that you'd ask me and not Santana."
"I need my courage with me." Quinn replied.
My heart jumped but I pushed it aside because I was curious to what she meant. "Your courage?"
Quinn nodded, "You're the bravest person I know. Whenever times go tough, to hard I'd think of you and how you walked around with you r head held high no matter the torment you received. When I want to run I think what would Rachel do? I don't always do it but I think it. You make me brave Rachel I need that today."
"Then I'll be your courage Quinn." She smiled brightly and tackled me in a hug, "Good we leave in an hour."
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I sat on a bench next to Shelby as I watched Quinn play in the grass with Beth. Quinn had been a complete mess the entire way over here. Twice I stopped her from getting of the train. When we'd seen Shelby and Beth from a distance her feet staled and her breathing quickened. "You okay?"
She nodded before taking out her inhaler and taking two puffs. Then she took my hand and we continued to our destination.
Shelby had been kind and greeted both of us with a hug. Then she reintroduced Beth to Quinn. The two blondes hit it off instantly and soon Shelby and I weren't needed as buffers so we retired to the bench I currently resided on.
"Thank you." I said sincerely.
"For what?" Shelby turned to me.
I gestured to Quinn whom was pushing Beth on the swings, "For this. You have no idea what this opportunity means to her."
"Oh but I do. I'd like to start over Rachel, with you."
I took her hand in mine, "I'd like that." For the first time I really meant it. I wanted Shelby in my life; I needed her in my life.
"Have you made and decision about the baby?"
My eyes moved from Shelby to Quinn and Beth. I laughed as Beth play tackled Quinn. Identical giggles floated on the serene breeze to my ears. I felt a peace and contentment settle in me as I watched Quinn bond with her daughter. The smile that graced Quinn's angelic face was one I'd never witnessed before. She was truly beautiful when happy. Beth looked equally as happy. My hand slid to my stomach, I knew what I wanted, what I'd wanted from the beginning but was too afraid to admit.
"I'm keeping it," My voice resolute, confident, happy. "I'm going to be a mom."
As Quinn blew a raspberry on Beth's tummy I smiled, I wanted that.
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