Bella PoV

It had been really sweet of Charlie to come home this early and even bring something to eat. It had been a burger with fries for him and a salad with chicken for me. He had told me that business had been slow all day and so it had been no problem to quit and check on his sick daughter. He seemed to be very pleased when he saw me nearly healthy again, my cheeks a healthy colour and my appetite fully returned. If only he knew the reason for my quick recovery.

After lunch Charlie went to his room for a quick nap while I returned to my room where I sat on the bed, back against the headboard and let my thoughts run free. Of course, my mind almost immediately turned to Jake and our kiss and how wonderful I had felt.

My kisses with Edward had always been so cold, physically as well as emotionally. He had to constantly hold back so he wouldn't be overtaken by bloodlust and hurt me. My mind had completely understood that even though my body didn't. Every time his cool lips had touched mine, I had involuntarily come closer, wanting to feel more of his body, his lips, him and every time he had backed up too soon. Passion had never even had the chance to grow between us. Maybe that had been one of the reasons I wanted him to turn me so quickly. I wanted to be with him, in every possible way and I knew this could only happen when I became what he was.

With Jacob it was completely different. He hadn't been afraid to accidentally hurt me and he hadn't drawn back when passion overwhelmed us. He seemed to want this as much as I wanted it and God, it had felt so good to be finally able to let all these emotions out.

Felt so good to let these emotions out? I replayed my last thought in my mind and realised with growing horror what I had been doing.

I had been comparing Edward with Jacob. I had compared the cold kiss with the warm, the moon with the sun. Had I done this before too? Was this the reason I had let the kiss go on? To finally kiss someone without the risk of him hurting me. Had I simply kissed Jacob because he was available? Had I used him only for this purpose? To get over my heartbreak. He had been at my side for so long, had done everything for me, so why not this?

I wanted to say no, wanted to dismiss these thoughts at once but the longer I thought the longer uncertainty had the chance to creep up into me. I recalled the kiss, recalled how he had made me feel, recalled how I had felt at this moment.

I had been happy, so happy, but had this been because I had finally a chance to let my passion out or had this been because it was Jacob I had been kissing?

My best friend. My sun, my only constant in life.

Had it been right to kiss him? Had it been fair to kiss him? What if I didn't feel the same for Jacob as he did for me?

I didn't really know how I felt. I really liked him, he was my best friend and the most important person in my life, but could he ever be more to me? A lover, a boyfriend?

This was one of the few times, I desperately wished for Alice to be here. Apart from her I had never been very close with any girls and with her years and years of experience she would have known what to do.

But she wasn't here, was she? She had disappeared without saying goodbye as had the rest of them after she had freely announced that we would become very close friends.

And now, I had no one left. No friends, no family apart from Charlie and René, who lived too far away to be of any use. And Jacob.

Again, guilt banged my heart. Had I kissed him because I didn't want to lose him too?

I was afraid every day that he would leave me too, regardless of what he said and that I would be completely alone. Maybe this kiss had been a way to make sure he stayed?

Suddenly it felt like the walls were closing in around me and I couldn't breathe anymore. I stumbled towards my window, opening it wide and let in the spring breeze but it didn't help.

So, I did the only other thing I could think of.

I grabbed a sweater from my dresser, put on socks and shoes and left the house, careful not to wake Charlie who still snored in his room.

It felt good being outside letting the spring wind pull at my pants and my sweater. My claustrophobia vanished and for a few minutes I simply stood on the front porch and breathed in the fresh air.

After a while, my feet began to walk slowly towards the woods. I knew it was a bad idea, but I would go only for half an hour or so. I needed the exercise after the last two days just laying around in my bed.

Once inside the woods, the familiar scents surrounded me. Earth, leaves, wind, everything that made this place so special.

I hadn't a destination in mind, so I just let my feet wander around idly. Somewhere in the distance a deer roared, and I had to think of the Cullens once again. Deer was one of their favourite meals, Edward had told me.

The roar was greeted with a distant howl. The werewolves? They were constantly on patrol since Victoria had shown up, scanning the whole area for possible signs of her. A branch snapped behind me but when I turned, I couldn't see anything. Except for a moment I thought I saw something flashing between the trees, like a pair of dark eyes, wolfish eyes but they were gone as soon as they had appeared. A sudden breeze let me shiver and I thought it best to return.

Except I didn't really know where I was. I had been so lost in thoughts that I hadn't been paying attention to where I was going.

"Wonderful, just wonderful," I sighed. "That's so me. Lost in the woods again. But this time it is completely and utterly my fault." I turned left and right and tried to spot something familiar. Maybe there? This tree did seem vaguely familiar, like I had seen it once before.

I made my way down the path reluctantly when another snapping of a branch made me turn around. My heart began to beat faster, and my breath was cut short. I felt like a trapped rabbit, looking doom right in the eyes.

When I saw nothing I went on, faster this time. The third snapping I tried to ignore. By now I had begun to jog because I felt too weak to run. Besides if I ran, I would probably attract the attention of the predator.

"Great, Bella, well done. It doesn't take a vampire or a werewolf to kill you, no you are doing a great job by yourself," I muttered as I kept going. The wind had begun to strengthen up and I had to wrap the sweater tight around my body. "Just wait until Jacob hears this. He will laugh his butt off. Instead of staying home securely in your bed you wander around in the woods and get lost and now you'll be eaten by a bear or something. Are there even bears around?" I kept on blubbering, just to keep the fear at bay. I felt like I had been walking for hours now and I feared that I wandered deeper into the forest instead of finding a way out.

By now Charlie would be awake and wondered where I was. His daughter was sick and belonged in bed and not in a cold forest. When I looked around, there was nothing familiar and suddenly my legs gave way. I sank on a large stone and stared at the ground. It was hopeless. I had no other option than to remain here and hope someone found me before it became dark. Again, I cursed me for causing Charlie so much worry and all because I had been stupid enough to wander alone in the woods.

Again, I had proven how utterly weak and stupid I was. Again, I had to be rescued. Again, I was not strong enough… Not enough, not enough, not enough.

I buried my face in my hands and let the tears fall freely on the ground.