Jacob PoV
I didn't know what to think. What to do. What to say. So, I did the only thing that seemed to make at least a bit sense to me. I stood up and left the room. I didn't know what else to do.
I waited for emotions to turn up, anger, sadness, disappointment, something, but my mind was completely blank.
Like a machine shutting down I sank down against the wall, hiding my face in my hands, trying not to scream. I felt so tired. It was due to the fact that I had been up all night and most of the day, keeping watch over Bella but it was not only that. I felt bone-tired, bare of any emotions, bare of any thoughts, bare of any life.
I tried to think about everything she had said, to make sense of her words but I couldn't. All I saw was her pale face, forming words I didn't understand.
I should have known it wouldn't be this easy. She just falling for me after this bloodsucker had left her. The kiss, her reaction, had been too good to be true.
My father had told me that claiming her was only the first step. Well, it seemed like I hadn't even succeeded in that. For one brief moment I had been in heaven only to fall to hell.
I didn't believe for one second that what she had said was true. She would never use me like that, kissing me because I had been there, like I've always been there for her.
What troubled me most was the fact that she still wasn't sure of herself. How could she for one moment think that she was not enough? Too weak, too stupid, too everything. How could she think so little of herself that she doubted her feelings? How could she even think that she would kiss me without feeling anything? Use me, she had said. Bella would never use me, not like this. Everything I had done; I had done out of my own free will. She knew that but she didn't want to believe it.
She wanted to wrap herself in her guilt, driving everyone away because she thought she was not good enough. Her self-esteem was at its lowest and it was up to me to build it up again. She needed me, she had said, depended on me. She was afraid of losing me. It didn't matter that I had said time and time again that I would always be there, at her side, no matter what. She still didn't trust me enough to believe in this promise.
And I didn't know how else I could convince her. And honestly, I was tired of doing so. I had done everything within my power to show her my love, my devotion and now I was out of ideas.
I wanted to go back inside, hold her, kiss her, tell her again how much I loved her, but I didn't. This time, it was up to her to make the first step.
I would be there, waiting, like I always had. But this time, she had to come to me.
I heard footsteps approaching. It was Charlie. He was wearing his police uniform, bloodstained, and torn at some places, but I guessed he hadn't had an opportunity to change yet. He had a bandage across his forehead and looked really, really worried. When he saw me sitting on the ground, he frowned. "Everything okay there, son?"
I nodded weakly. "Yeah, just tired. She woke up several minutes ago."
But Charlie didn't enter right away. Instead, he looked at me, a thoughtful look on his face. He knew something must have happened and tried to figure out what that was. "Wanna tell me what happened?"
"Sorry, Chief but I have to go. My father's waiting for me." I stood up and managed an apologetic smile. "She is really worried about you." I nodded towards the door, praying that Charlie would get the hint.
He did but I could see that my behaviour still bothered him. I had no doubts that he would call my dad as soon as he got home and then my dad would come ask me and so on. I didn't look forward to this conversation. I waved goodbye and left, almost running across the corridor, getting away as fast as possible before I would do something stupid like getting back inside and forgive her. Again.