XXX
So, these next two chapters cover the conversation with Virgil that was mentioned in 'Movie Night'. It takes place shortly after 'Aftermath' (and before 'Movie Night' itself).
XXX
It hadn't been long since the others came to talk to him, saying they wanted to try to include him more. At that point, Janus mostly just talked with Remus and Patton still. The others were no longer really outright villainizing him or going out of their way to be mean to him, but they hadn't really started seeking him out yet either. Specifically, Logan was usually busy, Roman couldn't seem to decide whether he really wanted to forgive him or not, and Virgil was avoiding him.
Janus himself was trying to be friendly, trying not to be antagonistic, but it was hard. There were times he had to hold back a scathing remark or a cruel joke or two. Once, he'd even had to quickly silence himself, hand over his mouth, to avoid saying something that would have certainly made Patton cry (he hadn't even really meant it, not what he was about to say- he was Deceit- but there was a good chance that Patton would have forgotten that in the moment).
It was just difficult to suddenly have to behave differently, even though he had a good reason to do so. He did want to be accepted- really accepted- by not just Thomas but the other sides as well, and he knew that would take time, but sometimes he wondered if it was worth the effort. Of course, whenever he thought that, he would shake the thought out of his head. It was worth it. Rather, the issue was more that he feared that all his efforts would go to waste. Sure, the others said that they wanted to include him more, give him a chance, but what if he screwed up? What if he wasn't able to hold himself back, and he ended up saying something he shouldn't? What if the others got tired of him, or what if they realized that giving him a chance was a mistake? Roman was already balancing between the two options, and Janus never knew when the creative side would plant his feet firmly on the side of rejecting him once again, maybe forever this time.
Once he started going down that particular rabbit hole of thoughts, Janus would usually find himself locking himself away in his room and removing his gloves. Which wasn't new. Sure, he picked at his skin regardless of how he was feeling (especially if he looked at it too long), but he always did it more when that tight knot of unpleasantness made itself known in his chest.
He hated this.
Was this how Virgil felt when the others had only just started accepting him? Did he spend the day wondering when the other shoe would drop, when the others would realize their mistake and cast him out again? Or had he just been glad to be accepted, glad that Thomas and the others wanted him around? Had he been relieved to finally be away from Janus, to finally have a place he belonged, a place where he could be happy and loved without paying the price of dealing with him and Remus?
Janus knew that the situation wasn't entirely the same. Yes, both Virgil and himself played the role of the villain to be heard, but Virgil had Morality on his side practically from the start, and even before Virgil was 'officially accepted', Thomas had already started to like him. Janus didn't have that. The closest he got was Roman, who he manipulated through compliments and who hadn't even really been on his side. From the start, Roman hadn't actually liked him- he'd just wanted to be praised, and he wanted Thomas to go to the call-back. And sure, after that whole fiasco with the wedding, Patton had begrudgingly accepted that Janus could sometimes be needed by Thomas, but even then, Patton didn't like or trust him as he did with Virgil. Patton had screwed up, and he was upset that Deceit, of all sides had to be the one to help Thomas. It had taken Patton turning into a giant frog and attacking Thomas for him to realize that he could be a bit too strict with Thomas's morals sometimes. If Patton hadn't taken it too far, he doubted that the man would have ever even tried to accept him, and by extension, the others probably wouldn't have either. Even Thomas wouldn't have listened to him if Morality hadn't eased up on him after he realized how badly he'd messed up.
Okay. Enough of this. All he was doing was sitting around and making himself feel bad. It was fine. They said they wanted to listen to his input, and he hadn't detected any lies when they said it. He would just have to show them that it wasn't a mistake to listen to him sometimes. If he could do that, then they wouldn't change their mind, right? And so what if being nicer was difficult for him? Janus was a great actor, so until he was able to hold back his sarcasm more naturally, he could just pretend. Play the role of a nicer Deceit, one who didn't feel like lashing out at the sides who cast him out and only hadn't condemned him to a lifetime of loneliness because they also cast out Remus and Virgil and-
And he was still doing it.
With a deep breath, Janus stood and went into the bathroom, pointedly not looking in the mirror as he washed the small smears of blood off his hands. Once they were clean and dry and bandaids covered anything that stubbornly decided to keep bleeding, Janus replaced his gloves. There. Good as new.
"Maybe I haven't spent too much time in my room," Janus muttered to himself as he exited the bathroom.
He went over to the heating rock where Snakey was sleeping, gently petting the reptile so he didn't wake it up.
"I suppose I probably shouldn't go out for a bit," Janus sighed.
Truthfully, he actually didn't want to leave his room. He was usually content to be in there for days, if not weeks, on end, only getting dragged outside by Remus every so often. But part of him knew that wasn't really healthy, even if he often ignored that part of him in favor of hiding anyway. Part of self-care included going outside sometimes, so he knew he should leave his room, right? Self-care was, ironically, not really his strong suit, but maybe he should try. That didn't mean he wanted to, though.
Perhaps he could go read a book in the commons living room. At this time of day, there was a chance that Patton might be in the kitchen, but the others probably wouldn't have left their rooms yet. Logan would probably be working, and Roman liked to sleep late. Virgil was usually the kind of person to stay up all night and then wake up more toward afternoon. So, there was a good chance that no one else would be in the living room quite yet. He could go and read his book outside his room for a bit, just until the others would start showing up. Maybe he would have a quick chat with Patton about something unimportant. It's not like he had to stay down there all day or anything.
And so, Janus squared his shoulders, standing tall with his head held high as he grabbed a book and left his room.
XXX