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Okay, there's a little bit of angst in this chapter.
Also, HAPPY BIRTHDAY SNEK BOI!
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Later that day, Janus heard a knock on his door, and he expected it to be either Roman coming to tell him off or Patton to gently scold him. Or maybe Virgil if he didn't find their little prank very funny after all. However, once he pulled the door open, he found Logan alone on the other side.
"Good evening, Janus."
"Oh. Good evening, Logan."
"May I come in?"
"... Alright."
For a moment, Janus felt a small wave of worry in his mind as he thought that maybe Logan was going to scold him. But he didn't actually have much time to worry about that because Logan started talking almost immediately.
"Apologies for showing up unannounced," Logan began. "I just wanted to be sure that I understand your intentions."
"... My intentions…?"
Janus didn't like the sound of that. It really sounded like Logan probably was angry about the prank. He tried to keep himself from allowing the fear to rise up in his chest by reminding himself of what Virgil told him. They weren't going to start hating him again because of one little thing.
But maybe Logan was mad about other things too? Maybe this was the last straw? Maybe Logan hated him after all, and he was tired of pretending? No, that was too extreme, and besides, he had a good sense of when Logan lied. It couldn't have all been pretend. But still, that didn't mean Logan wasn't mad at him.
The second that Janus started messing with the fingertips of his gloves, Logan noticed.
"Janus. You seem to be experiencing cognitive distortions of some kind," he said. "Though I can't be completely sure of the reason, I will say that I'm not here to lecture you. I merely want clarification and a brief discussion. Is that alright with you?"
Janus stilled his hands, clenching them before he made them lie motionless at his sides. He took a deep breath and nodded, cursing himself for letting his thoughts go out of control again.
"Good," Logan spoke, nodding. "After today's… 'deodorant' incident, I spoke with Virgil, and he had a theory about your true intentions with it. I came to ask you if he was right."
"... Okay…?"
"Virgil says you've been trying to show us that Remus isn't as bad as we believe in an attempt to get us to accept him," Logan stated plainly. "Is this correct?"
Suddenly, Janus felt a spike of defensiveness, though it was for Remus's sake rather than his own.
"And what if it is?" the deceitful side evaded.
Logan sighed lightly.
"I'm going to assume that was confirmation."
Janus crossed his arms.
"He's… Remus really isn't bad. He can be a handful, and he can be disturbing, and he can go too far, but what you've seen of him isn't all he is," Janus explained, even though Logan hadn't asked him to. "He does a lot more than give Thomas intrusive thoughts. Actually, he can't even control that sometimes. Some of his ideas aren't great, but he's just as creative as Roman when he's allowed to be."
He would probably be mortified if Remus heard this, but there was also a part of him that knew that Remus probably should hear this sometime.
"He just… He wants to be heard. And he acted out," Janus continued. "So, I know you all don't have the best impression of him, but…"
"Janus."
He stopped talking.
"I know that already. When I talked to Virgil, he told me that the three of you used to be friends, and he explained that Remus had been a bit more… 'Extra' than usual when he first appeared to Thomas, and it scared him," Logan told Janus. "And I admit that, initially, I mostly felt mild annoyance toward his antics. I have, however, recently started to alter my opinion of him."
What?
"Remus has been coming by my room lately to talk, and he's surprisingly knowledgeable about biology," Logan revealed. "And while his knowledge likely comes from some more… disturbing sources, I have found that speaking with him can actually be rather enjoyable."
"O-Oh."
"So, in conclusion, I actually agree with your attempts to try to include Remus in our activities," Logan finished. "I admit that I'm currently unsure how exactly to further the attempts beyond what you've already been doing. I doubt Remus would want to have a 'heart-to-heart' as we did with you, and Roman doesn't seem willing to give him a chance at the moment. Patton might also be a problem because, even though he tries not to show it, I believe Remus terrifies him. On a more positive note, however, Virgil seems to want to encourage you with your endeavors with Remus despite his own fears. The two of us can try to help convince the others, I believe."
He already knew most of that, but he was surprised about Logan's attitude change. The other side's usual tactics for 'dealing' with Remus typically included ignoring him and pretending that whatever he did didn't matter. At what point had that changed? When did these little conversations with Remus begin? Was it possible that he had misjudged Logan's glances that day he played games with Remus in the living room? Or was this more recent, and that's why Logan hadn't brought it up until now?
"... Alright… That's… good… great."
Logan nodded.
"Well, I've discussed what I've come here for, so I should let you get back to what you were doing before I arrived."
And then Logan turned and started to step toward the door. Without even fully registering what he was doing, Janus put out an arm to stop him.
"Logan, wait."
The other side paused and turned back to him, one eyebrow raised quizzically.
"Yes, what is it?" he asked. "Is something bothering you? Do you need me to stay with you?"
It took Janus a moment to realize that Logan probably thought he wanted someone to be there to keep him from picking his skin. And, while that might not be a terrible idea, it wasn't what he stopped Logan for. No, his mind was stuck on something he said earlier and that, combined with the lingering paranoia that Logan would reject him again at the drop of a hat, made him speak up.
"I… I know I've already said it before, but… I really am sorry about the times I silenced you or excluded you," Janus said.
He meant it. He really did, and it wasn't like this was the only time he'd said it and meant it. But Janus just felt like he had to say it again, to make sure that Logan still forgave him, even though he had no evidence to suggest he didn't.
"Oh. Well," Logan replied, seeming slightly confused. "That's quite alright, Janus. I understand why you did it."
"Yes, but I know you want to be heard, too, so I… shouldn't have prevented that."
He felt uncomfortable at the change in topic, even though he was the one who changed it.
Logan sighed and put a hand on Janus's shoulder.
"Janus, I didn't enjoy being silenced, but I already forgave you for it," he told him. "Because I know that you wanted to be heard as well, and you felt like the only way you could be was by taking the opportunity from someone else. I know it wasn't personal."
The other side gave him the smallest of smiles, but Janus knew it was genuine.
"I think we all struggle to be heard sometimes, and we have all lashed out at one point or another," he said. "But we've all improved as well. All of us. Including you and me. So, let's not continue to focus on it, alright?"
Janus nodded.
"Good. Now, do you need me to stay with you or find one of the others? Or would you rather be alone?"
Deceit felt his chest clench with guilt.
"No, that's… I'll be fine by myself. I was just going to read a book and go to bed."
"Very well. Good night, then."
And then Logan was gone.
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