Liar
Chapter 2
My Bully Hero
I kind of lost this file. That's what took me so long to update it. It's been written for a long time and I literally overlooked it and overlooked it. Well, are you lovely people ready for some more drama after a long while, well you're in luck. I would have be devistated if I had lost this file. I'm going to save it in another location just in case this happens again.
After a good long lunch we got in the car and Kaien took me to get my meds and couple small items. I was still on bedrest for about half-way into the next week. I know that would not be a good thing. After all according to my family it was my fault I ended up in the hospital because I started a fight. Again, if I told them the sky was blue… Well, I was a liar.
I arrived home with Kaien stepping in behind me. I prayed he wouldn't open his mouth about that argument or that he fed me. I didn't need to be beaten in my condition. My sisters came running like they were just so happy to see me. My God, they could act. Kaien greeted them happily as they started greeted ever so kindly.
Dad finally walked into the room also with that same fake loving attitude. Kaien I think noticed something was wrong when I showed no joy in greeting them. At that pointed I just wanted to go up to my room and vanish from existence again. After a few minutes Kaien said his goodbyes and I was once again at their mercy.
They soon scattered like flies and I took my own things up to my room. I walked in and shut the door behind me. Hopefully, they would leave me alone for a little while. Just doing that little bit with Kaien had left me drained and my head was screaming at me. I drew the curtains and crawled into bed. I prayed so hard that they would leave me in peace to sleep.
As I was starting to drift off as a familiar figure stood over me. I rolled over to look him dead in the eyes. He was just grinning at me and I tried to bury myself under the covers. I knew no one was there but that didn't stop me from seeing a person. He grinned and lightly laughed at me.
"I see I'm going to have to break you of some fears and habits. This is going to be a hassle to go through."
"Leave me alone," I covered my head and tried the will the vision away.
"Uh, no… I come and go as I please. I can show up anytime and anywhere I choose. Look, Ichigo, I'm your friend. I promise you. I can be your guardian angel if you'd let me."
"I think you're more of an inner demon," I whispered into my sheets.
"Hahaha! Maybe, maybe not. It all depends on you. You would much rather have me with you than against you, I can assure you, Ichigo. Unlike people in the physical world I'm all in your head. I'm with you 24/7 so I suggest you get used to it."
He was right though. I couldn't get rid of him and although he looked like a white creature for like of a better term he really was my saving grace. However, that's was at a later time. At that moment I felt like I was going crazy and this was the result of some sort of psychosis. I started thinking that after all these years everything was catching up to me. My family and the bullies finally drove me over the edge and I was now making up imaginary friends. Worse yet, I couldn't will him away no matter how hard I tried.
"What do you want?" I kept my voice down.
"To help you, you idiot. I'm watching what's going on in your abysmal life and I'm sick of it. This shivering pile of shit that you are is disgusting. You were not meant for this. He's taken your guilt and turned it into a weapon against you. You were nine. You didn't know any better. Chances were that that murderer would have perused the both of you regardless of you getting nosey. Your mother acted like a mother. She would much rather make sure you were okay than let someone hurt you. Your father… That man is not fit to own that title. He can't move beyond what happened and you are a constant reminder."
"If I'm so toxic to him why does he keep me around?"
"Image. It wouldn't look good if he suddenly handed you over to someone else. That and he can let out his frustrations on you. Remember, he blames you for what happened so you are a target."
Every word he said was true. Since my father couldn't find the man that killed my mother the next best thing was me; the person that lead her to her death. Of course, the public image part was true, too. He wanted to look like the doting father when in public. At home though he was a devil and my sisters were little demons that followed his every command.
"So… That's really it…"
"Hate is an ugly thing as you have learned that repeated over these years. I've been sitting in the backroom and continued to watch the tragedy play out in front of me. I'm everything you shoved out of your mind. I'm your common sense, your reasoning, your resolve, your bravery, and your love and hate. I'm everything your family has made you throw away. Well, I'm stepping out of storage and knocking off of the cobwebs. I am your potential."
"I'm going nuts… I knew it… "
"Hmhmhm… Crazy people can be the best kind. Many great people were insane. Vincent van Gogh for example."
"The man cut off his ear…"
"I said he was great I never said he made great choices. Look, the thing is… I'm tired of watching them do this to you. Well, technically us. I'm a part of you so they're doing the same shit to me. Difference is, is that I want to fight back and not cower in my room for hours on end, trying to disappear."
"Better than being attacked all the time."
"Please… You're scared to even walk out to take a piss. When was the last time you actually sat down and watched TV? Or steal snacks from the kitchen? Even when you're alone in the house you just hide away in here. That is the most pathetic thing I've ever seen."
"If all you're going to do is gripe at me go away. I'm tired…"
"Whine, whine, whine… Is that all your good at? Whining and making up excuses for your joke of a family? Is that your only talent? It's a crap talent! You're just going to really hurt yourself if you don't put your foot down and stand up for yourself!"
"Stop it…"
"Why? Because you don't want to hear the truth? Your father is using you as a way to make himself feel better. You he can latch onto you and terrorize you a punishment from something out of your control. He can't do that to the murderer. Your dad never progressed beyond his regrets nor did he have closure for what happened. You want to talk about crazy? Look at him."
"Leave me alone… Please… My head is killing me…"
"Tch… Fine. If you want to whine about it so much I'll leave but you know I can never vanish."
Right after that things suddenly grew quiet. I finally pushed the covers off my head to breathe a little easier. He was gone and after a few minutes I was sound asleep. He came back once more around dinner time. He just ran about the space making rude comments about my sisters and my father. A couple jokes were actually funny and I tried not to laugh at those mocking words.
The following day it was back to the usual routine. Since I was home that meant I had to play Cinderella and clean the house while Dad was at work and my sisters were at school. I started promptly as 6:30 in the morning and finally finished about 12. I had to stop several times because my head and body just couldn't handle all that moving around.
Of course, my double kept me company the whole time. He was the complete opposite of me and he was starting to wear on my nerves. He kept trying to talk me into doing things I would never dare do. I was in bad enough shape as it was. I didn't need my condition to become worse if I put a toe out of line. I knew I made him angry but I was concerned about myself.
Around 3 in the afternoon I decided to get some sleep and he was in the room with me. He kept insisting I fight back and not take the shit I've been given all these years. I tried to block him out with my pillow but his voice was just as clear. After all, he was in my head.
He finally left me alone long enough to get a couple hours of sleep. When I got up at just around 5 I finished that last little bit. I had to look busy when he came home. I would be a slouch otherwise. I just put the mop down in the bucket when Dad came in. He just gave the space the once over before looking at me. Karin had football (soccer) practice that night and Yuzu was staying over at a friend's house for dinner.
He started giving the house a deeper inspection just to see if anything was cleaned up. He then started reading off his list of things I needed to do; from cleaning the bathrooms, the dishes, and changing the bed sheets. The list only went on. He seemed a little upset that I managed to get everything cleaned. He couldn't bitch about anything. He then seemed to remember something and turned toward the lamp by the couch. He flipped the switch. I remember that angry face he made when he found the bulb was replaced without being on the list. I wasn't trying to be smartass with that action but…
"I replaced the one at the back entrance as well."
I think it ate at him so bad that I got everything done so perfectly. He just brushed me off and I went up into my room. My job was done for the day and it was time to vanish again. I didn't have much and even though I didn't feel like it I worked on my pass-due homework. It gave me something to pass the time as there was nothing else in my room to do.
I finished up and crawled back into bed. I just started to drift off when I heard Dad call me. I walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs. No doubt he found something I didn't do. I'd just take the tongue lashing and go back to my room after I did the task. He stood in front of me as he lightly fiddled with his phone.
"So… I got a couple message on my cell… Never got a chance to listen to it until now… I was little too angry to really be bothered with them," he said, glaring at me. "The principal wants to talk to you and me both Monday. Also the police had called a couple of times. I hope this isn't your expulsion. Being so close to the end of school, finding a place at another school might not even be possible."
"I understand, sir," I just nodded again.
"Ichigo, why do you have to keep doing this to me and yourself? If you'd stop being a delinquent I'm sure you'd be better off but you're violent and a compulsive liar. I really hope you get into the high school you want."
"I understand, sir."
"You say that but I don't know if that's true or not. Do you really understand or are you just saying that?"
"No, sir, I completely understand you."
"Well, we'll just have to see how things go. I'm not happy about this."
"He's never happy so what the difference, right?"
"I know."
"Get something out of the fridge and go back upstairs."
I made a quick sandwich and vanished behind my bedroom door. Yet again my doppelganger was still trying to talk me into things I didn't want to do. I just wanted to be left alone. What was going to happen tomorrow, I didn't know and I dreaded it.
School was letting out as Dad and I arrived at the principal's office. I got several sympathy looks from class and schoolmates. We were shown into the office and we sat down in front of his desk. The principal had a serious yet sympathetic look on his face. I could see my double standing behind him, grinning. I tried to ignore him.
"Well, I'm sure you don't need me to explain about why you're here," he said, looking between us. "It's about the incident that happened at the beginning of last week."
"Look, I understand my son is impulsive and that his judgement has never been the best," my Dad began as I quietly looked at the floor. "Whatever he did to those boys I would like to come to some sort of agreement."
I looked up at the principal and he looked at my dad with the most stunned and bewildered look. My double was laughing something hard. My dad was still playing clueless because he didn't want to believe that was capable of telling the truth.
"Uh… Mr. Kurosaki, I think you have that backwards. Your son did nothing wrong. I'm sure the police have contacted you by now, right?" he answered and my father tried to brush that off. "It's been an ongoing issue around the school for a while now. Groups of bullies started cropping up and attacking other students and we've been weeding them out as we find them. Your son was the main target for some of the ambushes in the past. That day fourteen boys ambushed him and beat him down. One of our teachers happened to finally see one of the attacks and snapped some photos of the boys before she called the police. From what I understand they quit not long after and split before the police arrived."
"So, this was not instigated?" Dad asked and he turned to look at me.
"No, it was not. Your son hasn't had another incident since that day," the principal said before he turned to look at me. "If anything, he's just faded into the background. He's quiet and isn't involved in any sports or school clubs."
That was very true. I just tried to vanish but the bullies wouldn't let me. I made only a couple of distance acquaintances as we were usually broken up into teams when projects called for it. Beyond that, most thought I was weird. I was always been so quiet and people were a little unnerved by that. I was in no way outgoing.
"I see… He came home several days a week looking a little rough and I just assumed he was involved in fights given that one day," was what Dad said in response. "I thought he was causing them."
"In no way was he the cause of anything. Did he not tell you about being bullied?" the looked at my dad and then at me.
"He told me but eventually he just stopped…" Dad mumbled. "I figured he was lying trying to save his own hide."
"No, Mr. Kurosaki, he was indeed attacked without provocation. From what some of those boys have told me he even got to the point where he stopped fighting back and that encouraged them to target him more," the principal explained. "If this last attack hadn't been called in I fear your son wouldn't be sitting beside you at this moment. A couple of the boys, when faced by the police, finally blurted that they wanted to see if they could beat him enough to end his life.
"That's the seriousness of this attack. Not only are those 14 boys expelled but they are also sitting in the city jail for assault and attempted murder. At some point your son will have to testify against them. He never reported any attacks to us directly but the teachers saw the end result if the bullying the following day. He was asked several times about it but he never gave any names or descriptions of the boys attacking him."
My dad at the point didn't respond right away. I don't think he was expecting that as he looked quite stunned by the news. He finally learned I hadn't been lying this whole time and I was in no way causing any of the fights. However, I was shocked to learn that they could have killed me that day. I lightly rubbed my right wrist and looked at my broken finger. The thought of that prospect terrified me.
My solid white double didn't seem to be taking this news well either. He was cussing up a storm at me for not opening my mouth at least to the teachers. He was wringing my father out, too, for not believing me and not trying to stop the attacks. I glanced back over at Dad and his face soon turned impassive. I didn't know what he was thinking at that time and I worried about going home after this meeting.
"His class raised money for him the last few days. He also has several get-well cards and some of his assignments have been waved without them affecting his grades," the principal added and my dad looked surprised again. "They're in my drawer."
He reached down and opened his desk drawer. He pulled out a good amount of cards and some of them were handmade. In a small brown envelope was a good amount of money given the thickness of it. He presented the items to me and I hesitantly took them. I knew I could keep the cards but Dad would take the money for himself. I haven't been given money in years. What few yen I got usually went to line his pockets. I got used to it by then. Once again my double was trying to convince me to keep the money. It was a gift to me and my father shouldn't take it from me. I wanted to keep it, I really did, as my class worked at raising it just for me. I was moved that they would do that for me. I didn't think they even cared as I wasn't a social butterfly.
I was fighting back tears. I didn't get gifts and it was making it harder knowing I couldn't keep the money. I had wanted and needed several things. Like new clothes and shoes and maybe a couple more models to build and snacks for myself. I would have saved some of it for things later on. I briefly looked at a couple of cards. I'd read them later when I got home.
"I would also like to apologize for not acting earlier and not being more aggressive about dealing with the bullies," he bowed to me and I lightly nodded my head. "It's only been the last couple of months we started cracking down on them but clearly we weren't having much impact. We've started encouraging more students to speak up about their abusers. I know this comes too late to help you but again I am still sorry this happened."
"I said nothing… It's not entirely your fault or the school's," I mumbled.
"Regardless, we had no idea that the bulling had become that aggressive. It never should have reached that level of violence. Since none of you have talked to the police I can call an officer down to speak with you. I do find it odd they hadn't been more aggressive in reaching you."
If Dad didn't know a number he ignored it. I had no idea it was that bad. Had I known I was to be murdered I probably would have finally fought back. The thought of it all made my blood run icy cold.
"Mr. Kurosaki, I would also like to apologize to you for letting this continue to your son. His attackers, as I said, have been dealt with. The school is pressing charges and I hope you will, too," the principal said.
"Of course I'd like the press charges. You're lucky I'm not doing the same to the school. I'm just glad you did correct and remove the problem," Dad told him and crossed his arms. "He'll allowed to start back Thursday to attend classes. I hope we don't have another problem like this again."
"Like I said we are taking this issue more aggressively. Several more have been expelled and a good bit more are on suspension," he stated. "The teachers have learned to be more attentive and are learning to look more closely for victims and abusers. Hopefully, we can protect our students better in the future."
"I surely hope so. I don't want a repeat of this," my Dad huffed.
"I don't want a repeat either I can assure you, Mr. Kurosaki," he bowed lightly again at us. "Are there any question you'd like to ask?"
"Not at this time but thank you for bringing it to a better light for me. He didn't elaborate much on it," Dad stated to the principal.
"OH, that's total bullshit. He knew but he just didn't want to believe you," my double screamed at me.
That was, of course, completely true. Dad and my sisters thought I had been lying about why I ended up in the hospital. They even blamed the hospital for believing my so-called lies. Honestly, it felt good to have my dad realize that I hadn't been lying about my beatdowns. I had started to grow worried about what was going to happen when I got home. I pray I could just go back up to my room and read my cards without much interference. I was also glad to hear that my assignments were wavered due to the attack on me and they wouldn't be counted against me.
"Very well I'll contact the police and have you talk to them," he said as he reached for the phone. "Please, by all means if you have questions please tell me."
"Oh, I will," Dad said and the principal dialed the police office.
I waited in the office quietly. I read a couple of cards as my dad and the principal talked bit more. A detective arrived and said that they had made several calls but never got anyone at the house. They stopped by once to talk to Dad in person but no one was home at that time. I was but I never answered the door. I was scared for some reason. I was asked several questions by the detective and gave my side of the story of what happened once again. He took every bit of information from me and dad signed some paperwork for the charges. The detective left and we did the same not long after.
We stepped out of the school and headed towards the parking lot. Dad unlocked the car and we got in. My double sat in the back fuming at my father for lying to the principal and supposedly acting like the police never attempted to talk to him. He would get on me for lying but he was just as bad. Of course, he didn't want to tell the principal that he didn't believe me outright.
The ride home was in complete silence. I read a couple more cards to pass the short ride home. We arrived home and I just wanted to go to my room. That was enough action for me that day. We walked in the door and my sisters were waiting to chew me out. Karin started first instantly thinking that I did get expelled given the extra glummy look on my face. She was just bitching at me something terrible. Yuzu used some of her pseudo-sympathy on me and lightly tutted.
I remember my double calling them little bitches. That was an accurate description. What made things worse was that Dad didn't even try to correct them that I wasn't expelled and that I was never lying. I just sighed and handed Dad the money without a word. I turned and headed back upstairs like I did every single day.
I wasn't in the mood to deal with any of them. I was still recovering from my concussion and I didn't need to be fussed at for something I didn't do. I just walked in and closed the door behind me. I sat at my small desk and started reading my cards. Some were simple and others were a little more elaborate. When I finished reading them I just drew my curtains closed and turned off the light. I'd go back downstairs when dinner was ready.
Once more someone decided to start nagging and lecturing me again. I hated hearing the truth that came from his mouth. I lived and learned to accept how things were. He was telling me to go against the grain but I just couldn't bring myself to do it.
"Are you really just going to go back to sleep? I think you should go downstairs and get your money back. Your class gave it to you after all. It's yours and only yours."
"Please stop… I have a bad enough headache without you bitching at me," he groaned at him and covered my head again. "Trust me, I didn't want to give that up but I would get yelled at if I didn't hand it over."
"This is what bothers me about you. You just give up and give in too easily. This shouldn't be happening. You don't deserve this. Hell, your principal and that officer explained that the boys were contemplating your own damn murder! Here you are snuggled down in your covers as if it doesn't bother you!"
"It does bother me but I'd rather not think about it. If mom hadn't protected me the man most likely would have killed me, too… So, I'd rather not think about either one."
"I guess that's fair enough but you really need to stand up for yourself. It's ridiculous that you put up with this. If you want sleep… Fine. I'll bugger off."
He did leave at that point. Everything he said was the truth. I just didn't want to listen. I still believed I had no power over anything. I just resigned myself to my fate. It was my life and I was going to be for quite a while longer.
I fell asleep not long after he left. I guess I was out just short of two hours. I just did hear Yuzu yell that dinner was ready. I walked downstairs as everyone else was seated with their usual portion. I picked up my plate and grabbed what little was left. I sat down at the far end of the table without a word. I was to sit at the table but not with them. They were huddled at one end and I was made to sit away from them. I didn't really engage in conversation with anyone as I was either ignored or snapped at. I don't know why they had me come down as I still didn't exist to them.
I finished first as I usually didn't have much on my plate. I got up and scraped what little bit that was sticking to the plate. I washed my utensils and my plate before heading towards the stairs. It was just a typical night. I closed my door and sat at my desk. I was bored out of my mind. About the only thing I could do was doodle in some old school notebooks.
Once again my double showed up again still nagging at me to better myself. He said I needed to be 'assertive' and tell people how I'm treated at home. He was trying to give me encouragement but I just didn't feel it. Fear stopped me from doing so. He then proceeded to tell me that he came about from my collective thoughts of rebelling and how I wanted to live my life. He was the very thoughts my family wanted to kick out of my head. He was the embodiment of those thoughts and emotions. He took the colorless form of me to contrast us.
It took a while but I finally got him to leave me alone. He was completely right as he usually was. I wanted so desperately to be someone like him. I wanted to be more than a sniveling coward. I wanted to stand up and handle my own life. I wanted to be the king of my own existence but I was so stupid and fear stricken then, that I didn't even want to even try.
The night rolled in and I stripped down to just my boxers to get some sleep. I had a bedtime. I was to be in bed by 9:30 and no later. It was 9:20 if remember correctly. I readjusted my sheet as the corner was trying to come undone. No sooner had I gotten the corner fixed and sat down I heard a knock at my door. I just instinctive slid my body under the covers but remained sitting up.
Dad came in and closed the door behind him. This wasn't usual for him. He'd normally just made sure I was ready for bed, which I had always been. He just stood beside me and looked down at me for a few seconds. I didn't know what I did. I was pretty sure I hadn't done anything but he would always find something to bitch at me for.
"So… You really weren't the cause of your assault?" he asked, clearly he wanted conformation from me.
"Correct, sir," I answered dully.
"You didn't even fight back?" his face scrunched up as he asked that.
"No, sir."
"And you never reported them in the past?"
"No, sir."
"Why didn't you?"
"I was scared of getting in trouble if I fought back and that they would retaliate against me if I reported them."
"So, you're telling me you'd rather be beaten to death than fend for yourself?"
"You instructed me not to fight for any reason after I punched that one schoolmate. I tried at first just to get away when it started but you didn't believe me and got mad for my self-defense. So, I stopped telling you and just let them do what they wanted. When I raised a hand they would only hit me harder. If when I complied to their demands they still beat me."
"So, you're telling me you just let them beat you down day after day for the last couple years?"
"Yes, sir, I just gave up after a while. I figured it was better not to bring it up even if you reprimanded me for coming home with bruises."
I got accused of being a troublemaker for creating fights but I was actually the victim of ambushes. When I tried to prove I was a victim I was accused of being a liar and made into the bully. So I thought why should I even try to stop this? I had too many fears to fight against. Somehow, I thought that making myself an easy target that they would tire of someone that wouldn't put up a fight. I had totally miscalculated that idea. Learning that I could have been killed that day scared me more than anything. I never thought they would take it that far.
Dad gave me this look that I couldn't really read. There was some anger in there and disappointment. I knew those two quite well. There was something else. I don't know if I'd call it worry per say. I certainly didn't see any pity in him and regret was highly debatable. It was just an uncertain look. I really don't think he knew what to make of that situation. He saw me as one thing but at that moment he was seeing me in a different light. It completely blindsided him.
"You just gave up like that… Are you really that stupid and weak?" he bit at me.
"I didn't know what else to do. I was following what to told me to do."
"You're telling me that you were damned if you did and damned if you didn't?"
I said nothing and just looked at him. Yes, that was what I pretty much said. I knew better that to actually say it. I would rather have one form of abuse than two. At least the bullies I could leave but I could never leave my family. I thought I was picking the lesser of two evils. Clearly, my judgement had been poor. Even though my father thought I was scourge of the planet he would never kill me. I never once thought that they would have taken it so far.
"That's what you're saying, isn't it?" his face scrunched up again.
I reluctantly gave him a single nod. I was a little hesitant to be around him at the moment. I didn't trust him not to hit me for hiding everything or proving he made a large mistake. Of course, he denied I was telling the truth back then so a lot of this was on him. He'd never admitted that he caused part of my school problems. His pride was too high to let that happen. I was at the very bottom of the pecking order in this family so why should he worry too much about me anyway?
Then he turned and walked out the door, closing it behind him. I just stared at the door for a few moments before turning off the light beside me. That was the end our discussion. I just pulled up the covers and fell asleep, thankfully my double didn't bitch at me.
A week passed and I was in my room studying for finals. I really had to push myself to make sure that I got the grades to get into Karakura High School. It was the biggest high school in town and was pretty easy to get into but I still had to have stellar grades. Because of being bullied so badly some of my grades had slipped dangerously low and I really needed to pass the exams.
My "voice of reason" was still hanging around and giving me advice I needed but didn't want. Oddly enough he was good at coaching me on some of the homework. He was retaining some of the information that I kept forgetting. He wasn't all that bad to have around when it came to that. He helped me through the school days when I was falling behind in class. He'd snap at me every time my mind would drift off or when I didn't understand something.
The week after that were the finals and I knew I needed to do my best. I really put all I had into the exams. He didn't help me until I really, really needed it. He told me it wasn't fair that he should answer everything for me. That was true. By the end of the week I was exhausted but I felt confident enough that I would pass the exams with no problems.
Even though my class had been kind enough to raise the money and make me all those cards I was still withdrawn. Not a one would attempt to come near me. I was used to it so I wasn't bothered by it. Yet, someone kept insisting I try and make some friend before the school ended. That didn't happen.
When the results of the exams came in everyone crowded around the boards trying to see where they ranked. I remember looking at the boards and found my name in the top 50. I was 29 which of course that meant I was headed towards Karakura High. I was proud of myself and so was my double. I decided it was a little birthday gift to myself. I was getting else so I was latching on to that. Hell, no one would even acknowledge my birthday.
I returned home that evening feeling fairly good about myself. I was in the 20's so that was pretty damn good. I walked in and headed straight for the stairs. I wanted to say something but if it wasn't an emergency I really never said anything as it was only my sisters were home. Dad was still at work and I knew my sisters could care less that I passed.
When Dad did come home the first thing he did was come into my room to ask for the results of my exams. I told him where I placed and he seemed a little surprised by it. Given most of my other grades I was just barely passing. I had hoped for something positive from him. Just a congrats. Nothing more but he just turned around and walked out the door.
My good mood quickly deflated and my copy was cussing him out. All that hard work and he didn't even seem to care; I was really disheartened. Just once I had wished he would have said something good about me. Well, I knew I did well and I tried to use that to boost my mood again but it was too far gone.
The summer was dull as it usually was and of course very muggy. I was home all the time so more chores were placed on me while my sisters went to pool parties, birthday parties, hung out with friends, got to go to the beach a couple of times, shopping, and so on. Nothing I was invited to. Dad even had a few nights out with some his old friends and work buddies.
It wasn't that I was forced to stay home but without friends or any money my options were extremely limited. I couldn't even get shaved ice in the park and that bugged me something terrible. I also had a curfew be to home by 7 every night if I went out. I only had a 5 minute leeway to be in those doors. If I was late I was grounded for a week not that there was anything I was missing. It was the same thing I did every day so there was no actual punishment anymore.
Around the end of summer I went to take a tour of the high school with Dad. It seemed to be just as I had hoped. Dad wasn't impressed when it came to me. If Karin or Yuzu went to a new school he was exuberant. The paperwork was filled out, my uniforms were handed to me along with other papers such as a generic list of school supplies.
About the day before classes started the whole family went out to get new supplies. I got the cheapest items I could find while the girls picked out a lot better items. I would still have to use my backpack from middle school and I was to use some of my old notebooks that still had a fair amount of paper in them. Dad made me recycle most things if I could. Once again someone was spitting firing as we watched the cart fill up with pretty folders, notebooks, pencils, pens, and so on. I only got two notebooks, one super cheap folder, and some cheap pencils. Everything else belonged to Yuzu and Karin.
I had often contemplated how things would be if I went to school one day and never returned. Gone without a trace. I'm sure if they didn't get in trouble for letting me vanish they most likely wouldn't care. I mean after Dad found out that I could have been murdered that day he hadn't shown much concern. He asked those few short questions and it was never brought up again.
Honestly, I was getting tired of seeing my sisters live in the lap of luxury and I was the poor beggar locked away in his room. If it wasn't for the fact that I had a roof over my head and food every day I might as well be homeless.
On my first day of class everyone had to introduce ourselves. As my luck would have it the boy I beat down 3 years ago was in my class. His name was Abarai Renji. Thankfully, we were set at different ends of the room. I hoped that he would keep his distance and not cause trouble for me. The first day went on without much trouble. I just sat in the distant corner by myself. I kind of wanted to see if someone would dare come to eat with me but that wasn't the case. I ate my small lunch and just looked over at my earlier notes. Only my double was talking to me and keeping me company.
When school was over a lot of classmate started talking about clubs and what sports they wanted to be in. Some were even making plans to hang out that evening with new friends. I just walked out of the building and headed towards home. I already had homework and I wanted to stay on top of things compared to middle school.
I went home, started my homework, ate dinner, finished my homework, and went to bed after a short bath. I was once again in bed at 9:30 as my dad stopped by to make sure I was where I should be.
I repeated this for about 2 weeks straight without much trouble. For once I was keeping up with classes, thanks to a certain someone. I kept to myself and others did the same. I was still lonely but I wasn't being beaten every day. I could deal with this.
On Friday of the second week on the way home my troubles finally started again. Abarai and a couple new friends of his blocked my path. I tried to go around them but they wouldn't let me. I knew better than to lash out at Renji again given our past encounter. I asked him what he wanted and that I just wanted to be left alone. He and his friends started to buck up to me and put me into a corner. I knew it was coming. I just balled up on the ground and covered my head.
One of the boys referred to me as being a frightened turtle. I only wished I had a turtle's shell. They quickly started kicking me to try and break the ball I was in. Renji once again called me a "mother killer" and was trying to get me to fight him. He wanted me to lay my hands on him again so I would get into trouble. I made him angry I wasn't reacting to him or his goons.
By the time they finished I was covered in dirt, footprints, swelling bruises, and a few minor scratches. One of the boys asked me flat out why I didn't fight back. I never answered and just remained curled on the ground. Renji took another hard kick at me but I did nothing to stop it or take action against him. I know he didn't like that I wasn't responding to him or anymore.
He and his friends finally left and I headed home. When dad saw me he instantly started to ask me if I started a fight. I told him no but he still couldn't let go of the fact that I was capable of telling the truth. I wasn't allotted dinner that night. Fine, I just stayed in my room and did my homework.
The following week it went okay for the most part. However, word got around about how weak I was in a fight and that I once pummeled Renji bloody. My homeroom teacher heard some of these rumors and I just kept my head low. I continued to eat by myself every lunch and I still didn't sign up to any clubs or try out for a sport. Only my sisters could have that luxury. I was to just keep my grades up and my head down.
By the end of the second month I was back to having bullies and all manner of rumors were being spread about me. I hadn't even done anything to anybody. My mood took a sudden dive and I started to lose interest in things. My grades were starting to slip and with that, more trouble at home.
My double tried to help bring my grades back up and to get me motivated again. Nothing he said worked and I was reaching a really low point. A lower point than ever before. I had hopes that a new school would be a whole new world for me. Instead it was the same shitty world with a different cast of people. I had started to become sick from the stress I was in. My whole body hurt constantly and I was eat less than ever. My nerves were constantly on edge and I didn't sleep much.
I came into class looking more haggard every day. Of course, a few people started a rumor that I was doing some sort of drug. That helped me none. My double kept trying to get me to seek help from someone. I didn't feel like sharing anything with anyone. I felt like no one could help me. They would either ignore me or make things worse.
One day I just reached that breaking point after another lashing from my father. I started to walk to school before ducking into the local park. It was quiet there and I wasn't around a lot of people. My double was yelling at me to snap out of my daze. I just brushed his voice into the background. A found a nice area mostly surrounded by bushes out of sight of people. I just sat down in the grass and pulled out a small paring knife. I didn't have a razor I could use so I figured this would still serve its purpose.
My double kept telling at me more and more to stop. I just wasn't listening. I looked at the small blade and took off the coat of my uniform. He was pleading with me to stop. I didn't want to. I was tired of everything; being blamed for things I didn't do and not given credit for the good things I did.
I had only made it as far as pressing the tip into my wrist before I was grabbed from behind. A pair of arms wrapped around me and pinned my arms to my body. They then picked me up and slammed me hard onto my stomach. The little knife I had landed somewhere in the tall grass. I struggled to get the person off me. I didn't know who it was but I wasn't happy about things not going as planned. I was crying hard knowing that I couldn't get what I wanted—yet again.
The person on top of me said nothing and just held me to the ground. I knew a good bit of time lapsed before I calmed to a more rational state. I told myself as soon as he got off me I was going to bolt. I didn't want to deal with anyone or be stuck in a mental hospital. He sat up finally getting off me. I instantly went to bolt but I was knocked to the ground again. I was getting angrier and angrier at this person. Finally, he spoke and my blood to turned to ice.
"I'm not about to let you get up so you can run off and try it again!"
It was Renji. He had followed me out of curiosity and discovered what I was about to do. Clearly, he wasn't going to let it happen. I just didn't understand. I had broken his face all those years and he was back to bullying me again. I just couldn't wrap my mind around why he wanted to stop me. He was one the last people that should care about what I had planned.
"Let go of me," I bit out into the grass.
"Like hell I will! I might not like you but if you think for one damn second that I would let you go through that idiotic stunt…!"
"It's because of people like you I want to die! Day in and day out all I ever do I get picked at school and my damn family would most likely love to see in a coffin! I'm ignored anyway and treat like trash! I wouldn't be in their way anymore and they could live their fucking lives like I never existed! I wish those bastards had killed me that day just before graduation! It would have spared me from staying in this fucked up world!"
I never meant to blurt all that out but I was just so distraught and caught up in the moment. I just let it all out in front of my bully no less. I struggled but I was so weak that I couldn't fight back. I was super thin that point and my body just wasn't in the best of health. He had strength and weight on his side.
He didn't say anything again for quite some time. I just had to deal with him pinning me to the grass. I wasn't dealing well with this but I just didn't have the strength. It was a good while more before he tried to let me sit up again. I knew if I suddenly ran he'd catch me again. It was well past time for school to start and I knew I'd get written up for skipping school. It was something I couldn't avoid and explaining the truth to the school would only cause me more problems at home.
"Care to talk like a rational person now?" he asked me and he kept a firm hand on the back of my shirt collar.
"I don't want to talk to someone like you," I just growled at him.
"You were just spitting out everything a little while ago. You're family ignores you or beats you, huh?"
"Leave me alone… Let go of me!" I tried to pull his arm off me.
"Not happening. You're staying put right here."
"Let go of me dammit," I tried to stand up but he pulled me back to the ground.
"No. What the hell is wrong with you?"
"You!" I screamed.
"Me? Why because I stopped you?"
"No, because you're one of the reasons why I was trying to do it! You pick, pick, pick! You call me a mother killer without even knowing what happened that day! You have everyone scared of me because of that one time. The second week in school you and your little pack cornered me and kicked me over and over again! And because of that day in middle school I'm now scared to fight back even to protect myself. My dad for years after thought I was always starting the fights! You were the only fight I ever took the first swing in!"
He said nothing as I finally broke down completely again. I didn't care about anything more. I retold the story of what really happened to mom and that day. Then how Dad blamed me and my sisters followed in behind him. How I lived in my room with nothing. I had to watch my family act like one without me. How I was not allowed to get anything when we'd go out. How 9 times out of 10 I'm not even invited to family trips. How he told my cousins that I was not to be trusted and to stop giving me things. I was never rewarded for anything positive I did.
The strict rules put on me had been constantly enforced. How Dad thought I was still getting into fights and that he didn't believe I was a victim. How I finally gave in and let them hit me without fighting back. I told Renji about that day I admitted myself to hospital and how Dad was claiming I was just wasting money for being there. Even after Dad found out I could have been killed he just blew it off. I also told Renji that Dad took the money my class had raised for me and none of it went to me. I told him everything that came to my mind.
Renji said nothing the entire time but stare at me, his mouth dropping a couple of times. He was the only person outside my family to know what had really being happening to me. When I stopped we just sat in silence behind the bushes. I don't think he really knew how to respond to what I told him. I don't know why I even told him to begin with. Maybe because he was the one that stopped me I thought he'd listen to me. However, it wasn't long after that I realized I gave him all manner of material to use against me.
"Why didn't you report any of it?" he finally spoke up.
"I'm scared that Dad will somehow get out of it and I'll be handed back to him."
"I just stopped you from killing yourself… I'm sure they'll be more inclined to listen to you than him. I can testify that much for you."
"I don't want you involved!"
"It's a little late for that! You just told me your whole damn life's story and I stopped you from ended it! If you think I'm just going to let you go back to them you're crazier than I first thought! Tell the school or the police. If not, I'll do it for you!"
"Don't you are dare! Just butt out of everything! I never should have told you anything about it!"
"It's far too late for that! Either you tell someone or I will! If that was how your father really acted when he learned you could have been killed… He should never do something like that! Can you move out and stay with someone?! One of your cousins at the very least! Just get away from him and your sisters! They'll put you in an early grave if you don't put yourself in it first!"
"NO! Dad fed them all kinds of crap about how mean and destructive I am. I'm a liar and I'm violent. They don't want someone like that to care for!"
"You're the farthest things from those! Go to one of them tell them you can't live under his house anymore!"
"I'd have to tell them why. They aren't just going to keep me because I ask them to. They'll never believe that my father is that way. My dad is like only 10 years older than Kaien. They grew up together. With all the lies my dad has fed him and the others…"
"Then don't help yourself at all and continue to sit in that—that shithole. You either tell the police or you move the hell out of there. Resigning yourself to this life is stupid! You didn't know that was going to happen to your mom. Your dad blaming you for that is just… It's disgusting! He ostracizes you from everything because your mom did her damn job to protect you. Clearly he can't do his job as a father!"
"Just leave it alone, dammit! Shut up! Just shut up!" I hurried to my feet. "Don't tell me what to do!"
"You don't like hearing the real truth, do you? Are you still hoping that one day your father will suddenly change and take you back into his life? Give me a damn break," Renji got to his feet as well. "If he can't even show you actual sympathy when you could have been murdered chances are he's not going to accept you. Get that through your head! Get away from him!"
"I can't!"
"You can't or you won't, huh? Which is it?! Are you that damn terrified to ask to live somewhere else? If he's gotten to you that bad then fucking do something about it! I don't want to hear that you killed yourself and your family not face any charges. Just do something!"
"I can't!"
"'You can't?' Stop saying that! I'm going to the school and reporting this!"
"No! No, please! They'll put me in a mental hospital!"
"At least you won't be six feet under."
"Please, no! Abarai, please, don't do this!"
"Then what are you going to do then? I told you before if you won't I will."
"Don't! Just… Just… Just don't, please!"
I was crying mess once again. I was too terrified about what was going to happen to me when Dad found out. He was already going to be mad that I was skipping class. I feared that if I ratted on him he'd come after me. Renji just sort of growled at me in anger and fustration.
"I can't believe that you are the same asshole that once beat me to a bloody pulp! You clearly had some fight in you then so where the hell did it all go? Has your father really taken everything away from you?"
My silence was my answer. His face at this point was the same color as his hair. I knew I had pissed him off. Every time someone wanted to legit help me I always threw it back at them. I didn't want to get hurt and I didn't want them to be involved. To a good degree I was embarrassed about it. Shameful, in fact. The social workers, Kaien, and even my own school bully tried to help me out. I had three chances and I had blown them all.
"Stop being a coward! If you won't have me do it then you need to! Stop making up excuses for them and yourself," snapped at me. "I could feel that you're nothing but skin and bone under your shirt! You're just going to waste away if you stay the way you are!"
"Don't tell me what to do!"
"I'm trying to save your damn life! Look at you! You'd rather defend him then remove him from your life. Kurosaki, your father is low-key killing you whether you wish to see it or not!"
I knew it but I just didn't want to hear it. I had had enough and I wasn't going to listen to him anymore. If I went to school now I wouldn't be counted absent for the whole day.
"We're not finished yet," he had grabbed my arm and jerked me to a stop. "Don't keep avoiding this!"
"I don't need some damn advice from my bully! Now let go of me!"
I yanked my arm free and quickly hurried on my way, grabbing my uniform coat and school bag off the ground. He didn't directly follow but we did share the same classes so… We both arrived late and got punished for it. I know I looked like crap as I had been crying and my clothes were covered in dirt and grass-stains. Renji and I never spoke again for the rest of the day.
I went home and performed my usual routine. Did my homework, sit in my room, have dinner, shower, and then bed. That whole time, however, my double was just talking my ear off saying that I blew yet another chance. He was right but I didn't want to openly admit it to him. One of my own enemies had wanted to help me and I refused him. He kept me up about half of the night just lecturing me over and over again. He was constantly beating a dead horse.
Come morning I got dressed and gathered my things. I was ignored as I made my own lunch with what little they allowed me to use. I promptly left before they did as I wanted very little time around them. I hadn't even gone a full block yet when I saw Renji and his two friends waiting by a bench. One was muscular and lean with a bald-headed and the other I wasn't sure if he was metrosexual or gay. I still don't know to this day. They were just sitting around waiting for me to walk by. I felt this wasn't going to go over well and I was trying to find an area to cross the street. I just knew I had to get away from them.
Well, this is one is a lot to take in as I just dropped 17 pages. I really took some time to write this down. Please, feel free to tell me what you think of this chapter. Thank you ever so kindly.
The Mermaid Reaper