Last time on Dragon Ball Z…

Baltika the paladin got drunk, Kenneth the druid was deeply insulted by an angry Scottish dwarf and the party learned the possible location of the stolen brain canister: Medusa's Wrath.

Touji didn't read the pdf.

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BAKAS&BEHOLDERS

From the slopes of Mount Celestia, Gary Gygax is looking at this and shaking his head in disappointment.

IV

You Can (Not) Get a Discount

"Alright," Shinji said. "You exit the tavern of the Dancing Tiefling. Do you want to go directly to Medusa's Wrath right now?"

"Nein," Asuka replied. "I say we buy some supplies first, as we agreed."

"Hey, Ken," Touji called his friend. "You're the one who goes camping. What do you think we should get to survive out there?"

The geek pushed his glasses up before answering:

"Ideally? Guns. Lots of them. But I assume they haven't developed gunpowder in this world yet."

"They have," the Dungeon Master explained, "but it's reserved mostly for cannons. Guns are still in the very early stages. They're scarce, expensive and not all that reliable. Crossbows are much more efficient."

"In that case," Kensuke continued, "and since we already have weapons, I say that we acquire first-aid kits, supplies and some rope. Healing potions would be good too, and I'd even recommend a couple of sleeping tents if we have enough money."

All the players looked at Rei. They had decided, since the beginning, that she would be the one to manage the party's funds.

"Between all of us," the pale girl said, "we have seven silver pieces and thirteen copper pieces. I believe it should be enough to buy most of what classmate Aida suggested."

"Hold on," Asuka interrupted. "We're forgetting something: we might have to rent a carriage as well, and that's gonna be expensive. Shinji, how far away is Medusa's Wrath? Do we know?"

"Roll History."

The redhead threw her die, and succeeded with a 19.

"Yes, you do," the Dungeon Master declared. "You'll need a transport if you want to arrive before sundown."

Worried looks spread quickly through the other players. All of the sudden, seven silver pieces didn't seem enough to buy everything they wanted.

"Oh, well," Asuka shrugged as she smirked. "It seems we'll have to rely on the good old Persuasion skill again. Let's see if we can get us a nice discount."

As luck would have it, there was a general goods store not too far away from the Dancing Tiefling. Kenneth decided to wait outside, in part because his ragged and wild attire wouldn't help with the negotiations; in part to keep an eye on Baltika, who was still under the influence of alcohol and could barely stand on her feet.

Emma, Lilith and Thomas walked into the shop. Right above the door, the words 'Edgar's General Goods' could be read, carved on a wooden sign. Once inside, the three adventurers were greeted by the smell of leather, wax candles, spices, road bread and beef jerky. A vast array of items was displayed in the shelves, ranging from basic weapons to everyday tools such as forks and brushes. A line of first-aid kits had been carefully arranged over a large table, next to a collection of potions of different colors and properties. There were some pieces of jewelry inside a display case, and behind that, on another table, a small pile of books about various subjects.

Behind the counter, a man in green and blue common clothes smiled at them. Judging by his gray hair and the wrinkles on his face, he must've been past his fifties. However, a twinkle of youth still sparkled in his eyes.

"Welcome," he said, with an educated bow. "Edgar Vautrine, at your service. Whatever you need for your quest, I have it. If I don't have it, it's because you don't need it."

"Let me try," Rei said, with a twenty-sided die already in her hand. "Lilith has a high Charisma. It should be easy to convince the shopkeeper to lower the prices."

And she rolled.

Edgar wasn't a stranger to elves and their charms. He couldn't be, not after working for decades in the busiest district of a city like Mindflayers Fall. Many elves and half-elves had passed through his shop, some even from far away and exotic kingdoms. He had met and survived every batter of enthralling eyelashes, every smile from lips glittered with fairy dust, every seductive word whispered to him across the counter… None of those had broken his integrity as a shopkeeper and a businessman.

Yes, Edgar was fairly certain that he had seen everything the elven race had to offer; and yet he found himself mesmerized by the blue-haired lady that approached him. He couldn't take his eyes off that skin, pale but also warm and beautiful, like a welcome ray of moonlight in a dark night. Speaking of eyes, hers could very well have been rubies, so red and shiny that the even greediest of dragons would sell his treasure just for a chance to gaze at them. However, despite possessing such a hypnotizing presence, the elf moved with humbleness. No swings of the hips, no seductive winks or tilts of the head, the legs kept inside the long black shirt at all times. She was elegant, like the most perfectly educated of the noblewomen.

Then, she smiled. It was a tiny one, with her lips barely bent. In any other elf –no, in any other mortal–, it would've been the most boring of smiles; but in her, it was like a gift from the gods. Edgar felt his blood boiling. His youth seemed to return in the presence of that woman.

From the other side of the counter, Lilith spoke; and she did it with a soft, kind voice that not even the angels of the Upper Planes could hope to imitate:

"Would you like to know the exact time, date and place of your inevitable death?"

Frowning, Rei glared at her die and at the 1 it was showing, apparently trying to make it explode with her mind.

"Edgar backs away," Shinji announced. "He's pretty freaked out, but you can still salvage the situation."

"Don't worry, Wondergirl, I'll get this," Asuka grabbed her own die. "Your character isn't the only one with a good Charisma modifier."

And she rolled.

Moving as quickly as her heavy armor would allow her; Emma pushed Lilith to the side and offered her best apologizing smile to the shopkeeper.

"Please, excuse our friend," she said. "She meant no disrespect, I assure you. She's a magic user, and as you know, sometimes the arcane energies make them do funny things. What my dear elven companion was trying to say is: please, give us all your stuff or we'll set the shop on fire with you inside."

A very angry Asuka proceeded to yell German obscenities to her die for daring to roll a meager 3.

"I knew this would happen," Kensuke sighed. "Two natural 20ies were far too much luck, Sohryu. The universe is balancing itself."

"Edgar is losing his patience," Shinji warned. "Touji, it's all up to you."

"Meh," the athlete shrugged. "I pass. I'm sure I'll get a terrible roll and make things worse."

"Suzuhara!" Hikari scolded him. "You can't give up when the whole party depends on you!"

"Come on, Touji," Shinji insisted. "Look, the Difficulty Class for persuading Edgar, even now, is just 17. High, yes; but it could be much higher."

The jock grabbed his character sheet and studied it.

"My Charisma thing is only +1," he said. "If I roll anything lower than 16, I fail."

"Wait," Hikari chimed in, leaning closer and peeking at the boy's stats. "Your skill score in Persuasion is +1 and you have proficiency, which makes it a total modifier of +4. You only need to roll a 13 or higher to succeed."

Still not very convinced, Touji picked up her die and threw it across the table. Five pairs of eyes watched it bounce. Everybody held their breath.

Thomas walked up to the counter, grabbed his crossbow, loaded a bolt and aimed the weapon at Edgar's eyes.

"Give us the goods or I'll shoot."

"GUARDS!"

"See? I got a 2."

Behind the Dungeon Master's Screen, Shinji buried his face in his hands. After letting out a long sigh, he addressed the players:

"The guards arrive and escort you out of the shop. Fortunately, they have been informed of your mission by Drogan himself, so they don't detain you. However, Edgar is furious and he won't let you inside his shop again. Also…" he rolled some dice. "Shit. The surrounding stores and stalls have seen all the commotion, and don't seem too eager to sell you anything."

"Great!" annoyed, Asuka threw her arms up in the air. "How are we supposed to get supplies now?"

"Calm down, I can fix this…" Shinji scribbled something on his notes. "Alright, here's what happens: you explain your plight to the guards. They can't force the shops to sell you anything, at least not without revealing the true nature of your quest; but they give you directions to a certain stall. They tell you that the owner only cares about money, so he'll sell his goods to anyone, no questions asked."

The stall in question, the party discovered, was a small wooden cubicle located in a narrow corner of the district, under the shadow of a much larger store. Not a single plank or piece of wood used in its construction was straight, and all of them had more nails than it was probably necessary. The many, many tiny holes scattered through the entire structure weren't very reassuring. Overall, the whole shack seemed to be one termite away from collapsing. An old and worn-out grey cloth hung from the upper part of the stall, with the following message written on it:

UNCLE QUOTH'S NEST OF STUFF

The adventurers could see wooden crates behind the counter, as well as sacks, jars of dubious content, chests of various sizes and many piles of… things. A varied assortment of things. Unlike Edgar's organized and clean shop, the inside of the cubicle was a chaos of items, a tiny jungle of inanimate objects threatening to swallow anyone who got too close.

As soon as the party approached, the mounds of stuff rustled.

"Ah, welcome, welcome!" a raspy voice cawed.

The stall's owner emerged from within the piles of objects. It was a creature that could only be described as a humanoid crow, five feet tall and with black arms instead of wings. He was dressed in a light grey suit, and his left eye was covered by an eyepatch of the same color. A tiny blue fez rested on his head.

"Welcome," he repeated, "to the stall of Uncle Quoth, your friendly neighborhood kenku! How may I help you today?"

The adventurers got the impression that, if he had teeth, he would be grinning from ear to ear. Emma shook her head, to dispel the horrifying image of a teethed smiling crow, and spoke:

"Well met," she said. "We would like to acquire some supplies for a journey."

"Ah, you're on a quest, right?" Quoth winked with his good eye. "I can tell! I went on my own fair share of adventures back in the day! That's why, if you want really good equipment, you come to my Nest of Stuff! I've been out there and I know what young lads like you really need to not end up in an ogre's stomach!"

"Alright, then this should be easy. First and foremost, we need healing potions."

The shopkeeper opened his beak, wide, and cawed a cackle.

"Just 'healing' potions?" he asked as his voice turned theatrical, not unlike the one of a snake oil salesman. "That might be good enough for newbies and losers, but let's be honest; you ain't neither of those things! Nu-uh, you deserve something worthy of your skills, something that you can't get in any run-of-the-mill store, something more… exciting…"

Moving fast, Quoth disappeared between the many items piled up inside the stall. When he returned, he was carrying a small wooden box in his hands. He left it on the counter and opened it.

"Here it is!" he said. "The best bargain you'll find at this side of the Drowned Kobold River: a dozen potions without labels! A new adventure in every flask, at a very cheap price! Who knows what will happen? Perhaps you'll heal, or perhaps you will get Giant Strength, or Clairvoyance, or even Water Breathing!"

Alas, the adventurers didn't seem too thrilled by the idea. They exchanged worried looks with raised eyebrows.

"That is no bargain," Lilith declared. "I do not see how such a product could aid us in our travels. It would be insanely risky to drink an unlabeled potion, both inside and outside of combat."

"What's wrong with a little risk?" Quoth shrugged, maintaining his cheerful demeanor. "That's the spice of life, you know? Think of these potions as your own personal lottery. A pinch of randomness to make your quests all the more interesting!"

"How do you know that one or more of them are not poison? After all, they lack labels."

"Madam," the shopkeeper turned serious for a moment and raised a finger. "I can assure you, with a 100% guarantee –marginoferrorofninetyeightpercent– that none of these flasks contain poison of any kind!"

Lilith's right eye twitched. Emma noticed this, and decided to, once again gently push the pale elf aside and take control of the conversation.

"Okay," she said, "we'll think about the potions. In the meantime, do you have some food we could buy?"

"Food?" Quoth returned to being happy and theatrically excited. "Of course! And I've got something special, just for you. An exotic product that'll satisfy your stomach and send your taste buds to the Upper Planes with each bite!" he grabbed a brown sack and opened it, showing its contents to the party. "Behold! A culinary marvel like none you've ever seen! The queen of tropical fruits! A delicious treasure from faraway lands: yellow oranges!"

"They're lemons."

Quoth laughed, while Emma fought the urge to unsheathe her sword.

"Lemons?" the kenku repeated, wiping off a tear. "Oh, that's a good one. 'Lemons…' With all due respect, my good fighter; I know a thing or two about plants, and lemme tell you: these are genuine yellow oranges. I mean, not to brag or anything," he brushed away some imaginary dust from his shoulder, "but I have a PhD in botany, so I know what I'm talking about."

"Really?" the red-haired warrior raised a skeptic eyebrow. "Where did you study, if I may ask?"

"Do you know Diustic's University?"

"Yes. I graduated there, summa cum laude, when I was fourteen."

"Great, because that wasn't where I studied! In fact, my university is as far away from Diustic as humanly possible. And it was demolished three years ago. And I forgot the name just now."

Emma's hand hovered dangerously close to her weapon's handle, so Kenneth pulled her away from the counter before things got out of control.

"No fruit, thank you," the druid said. "We can find plenty on our own out there. What we need is something that resists spoilage, like road bread or beef jerky."

"Bah!" Quoth made a dismissing gesture with his hand. "Beef Schmeef! Food for losers! I have something else that's much, much better," the raven-man showed Kenneth a plate filled with strips of meat.

Green meat.

"Goblin jerky!" he announced. "It takes months for these babies to go bad, even if you leave them out in the rain! Have them in your bags, and you won't die from hunger!"

"Wait, wasn't there a guy who got food poisoning and kicked the bucket immediately after eating one of those?"

"Ah, but he didn't die from hunger, did he?"

"You know, I'm pretty sure that, if our paladin wasn't suffering from a hangover right now, she would ask if all this stuff you sell is legal."

"I'm offended by that, friend. I'll have you now that all my products are perfectly legal in at least one place of the Prime Material Plane or the Outer Planes."

"Alright, REUNION!"

The adventurers huddled together at a safe distance from the stall.

"We can't buy that garbage!" Emma whispered. "It'll get us killed before we even reach Medusa's Wrath!"

"I agree," Thomas said. "Look, the merchant district is very big, why don't we walk around until we find another shop willing to sell to us? There's got to be at least one!"

"I would not recommend it," Lilith declared. "Time is of the essence and we should avoid delays as much as possible. We do not know what the thief is doing with the canister. They could be trying to resurrect the illithid brain through necromancy, or perhaps they plan to use it as an ingredient in some unholy ritual," a shadow of concern appeared on her face. "Worst case scenario, they are engineering an artificial brainstealer dragon as we speak."

Thomas gulped as his face went pale.

"What's that?" he asked, although he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

"Exactly what it sounds like: a psychic dragon that eats brains."

Faced with such unpleasant possibility, the adventurers decided that they couldn't afford any further distractions. Thus, they bit the bullet and accepted the products of Uncle Quoth. They ignored the food, rationalizing that they could do some hunting themselves, and bought the box of unlabeled potions. Also, two ropes of dubious quality and two and a half first-aid kits.

The only good thing about the whole situation was that the prices were fairly cheap. Two silver pieces, that's all it cost.

"A pleasure doing business with you!" Quoth cawed. "You know lads, I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young. Except the paladin, she reminds me of myself on every Sunday morning. Anyway, I've decided to make you a one-in-a-lifetime offer!"

"Thanks," Emma said quickly, "but no thanks. We have all we nee–"

"You're going to love this one! For only three extra silver pieces and thirteen copper pieces, I'll throw in two more unlabeled potions, the missing half of that first-aid kit… and the most important thing: a genuine, tax-free, one of a kind Deck of Many Things!"

Asuka grimaced at her boyfriend.

"No," she said. "You didn't put one of those in this game."

"I'm afraid I did," Shinji replied with a sheepish smile.

"It's going to break the campaign beyond repair," she warned.

"I know there's a risk, but I really want to use it."

Touji turned to Rei and asked:

"Ayanami, what's a Deck of Many Things?"

Much to his surprise, the blue-haired girl seemed as confused as he was.

"I do not know," she said. "There was no mention of it in the pdf."

"It's a magical object," Asuka explained. "A set of 22 cards that can alter reality, each one with a different effect. Some are good, some are bad. You can only use it once, and first you must announce the exact number of cards you want to draw."

"But this one is different," Shinji added. "It's a personalized deck I've made for the campaign, with entirely new effects and new rules. Each of you can draw as many cards as you want, and there's no need to announce the number first; but you can only draw one at a time. Then, you have to pass it to another player."

"That sounds fun!" Hikari exclaimed. "I say we buy it. What do you think, everyone?"

With the exception of the former pilot of Unit-02, all the other players nodded.

"Hold up," the German teenager called for attention. "You do realize that, if we buy it, we'll only have two silver coins left. That might not be enough to rent a carriage."

"Well, we can just try Persuasion again, can't we?"

Asuka shrugged, not wishing to go against the will of the party. She merely leaned back on her chair while mumbling a 'You'll be sorry…'

Rei subtracted three silver pieces and thirteen copper pieces from their collective funds. The Dungeon Master put a deck of twenty-two homemade cards on the table.

"Can I draw one now?" Kensuke asked.

"Sure," Shinji shuffled the deck and passed it to his friend.

Confident in his luck, and with a wide smile of anticipation, the geek pulled the first card. He turned it and lifted it… and his grin vanished as soon as he read the flavor text:

ABISMAL JOKER

Summons an indestructible Pit Fiend that can only be seen or heard by the party.

The Pit Fiend proceeds to tell bad jokes for 1d6 hours.

The card in Kenneth's hand burned away in harmless green flames, leaving nothing, not even ashes. Instantly, a large circle of red fire appeared on the ground, right in front of the party, but it didn't provoke any reaction in the passerby. Just like the card had indicated, they couldn't see it. The people of Mindflayers Fall walked around it, avoiding the crimson flames just by a few inches, as if a supernatural hand was guiding them.

Soon, an enormous claw emerged from inside the circle. Grabbing onto the stone pavement, it pushed the rest of itself up. The thing was around 12 feet tall, its whole body covered in red scales. Two massive bat-like wings sprouted from its back, and a prehensile tail cracked like a whip against the ground, making a noise only the party could hear. The devil raised his horned and hideous head, his sharp fangs dripping with poison and acid. His eyes, which glowed like embers, analyzed each and every one of the heroes. His mouth opened, releasing black smoke and a menacing growl.

There was a tiny imp on his left shoulder, accompanied by two drums and a cymbal.

The Pit Fiend pulled some old-looking glasses from nowhere and put them on his inhuman nose. Then, a book, apparently made of human skin, materialized out of thin air and landed on the devil's claws. He opened it, clicked his forked tongue and read:

"My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction. So I packed up my stuff and right."

And the imp on his shoulder played a rimshot.

The players let out a collective groan. Even Rei broke her usual zen-like calmness and threw a reprimanding glare at the Dungeon Master. Asuka facepalmed and mumbled some German bad words. However, Shinji noticed that, under the hand, his girlfriend's lips were…

"Are you smiling, Asuka?" he asked.

"I am, and I hate it."

Many things could be bought in the merchant district, but transportation wasn't one of them. The party had no other choice but to go to the outskirts of the city, beyond the walls, where the stables were located. Thankfully, the trip was peaceful and uneventful.

"I once made a pencil with two erasers. It was pointless," and the imp played a rimshot.

Mostly peaceful and uneventful. In a moment of desperation, Emma drew her two-handed sword and tried to slash the Pit Fiend to death; but the blade just bounced back, not leaving a wound and not getting a dent. Other than that, nothing important happened. The adventurers gritted their teeth and did their best to ignore the seemingly endless supply of unholy jokes. Instead, they focused their attention in reaching the Three Winds Stable, which the guards had recommended.

The establishment was located right next to the city's northern gate. The horses were in the yard, happily eating grass and not caring about much else. All of them had thick legs and were considerable muscular, and taller than Emma herself. It seemed that just one animal would be more than capable of pulling from a cart, even with the whole party on board, and the adventurers celebrated their luck. Renting just one steed would be much cheaper.

It didn't take them long to locate the owner of the stables: a half-orcish woman named Mazoga, green-skinned and built like an ox.

"Two silver pieces?" she asked once they told her what they wanted. "That's not enough. Not by a long shot."

"I'm on a seafood diet. I see food, I eat it." Cue rimshot.

The party let out a collective sigh of not-quite-unexpected disappointment.

"Look," Thomas tried to negotiate. "We just want to go to Medusa's Wrath and back. Give us your cheapest animal, the most average one. We don't need anything fancy."

Mazoga rolled her eyes in a clear gesture of exasperation. She extended an arm towards the yard and pointed at a brown horse.

"See that one?" she asked. "That's our cheapest, most average animal: a pure-breed I-Shpanian mare. A little feisty, but if you treat her with respect she'll become the most loyal creature you can find. She also resists the heat well, and can survive for weeks with only half the water other horses would need. The prices only go up from her."

She crossed her arms in front of her chest and looked down at the party, both literally and figuratively. Thomas gulped, fearing that he had just offended the wrong person.

"What has two butts and it kills people? An assassin." Cue rimshot.

"You say you don't need anything fancy?" Mazoga continued. "Good, 'cause we don't sell fancy here. Our horses aren't the prettiest in Mindflayers Fall, but by the gods, they're the best. Sturdy, trustworthy and strong. Same with our carts. I wouldn't sell anything in these stables for less than three gold pieces."

"What about renting?" Emma asked. "As my colleague said, it's just to Medusa's Wrath and back. It shouldn't take us more than a day."

"Renting my cheapest horse and my cheapest cart for one day costs five silver pieces."

The red-haired fighter threw a deadly glare to her companions.

"See?" she growled. "I knew buying that stupid deck was a bad idea!"

"I once had a job crushing tin cans. It was soda pressing."Cue rimshot.

Baltika, who had been cured of her hangover by the aberrant jokes of the Pit Fiend, stepped forward. She took off her helmet and addressed Mazoga with education:

"My friend, I understand that you need to put food on your plate; but we're on a mission, one tasked to us by Drogan Brasshelms himself. I can't give you any details, but I can tell you that it's of vital importance for the city's stability. Now, I'm not asking you to give us transportation for free, far from it. On my honor, I swear that we'll pay you; but it'll have to be once our quest is done. We lost too much time already, and we need to reach Medusa's Wrath as soon as possible. When we return, I'll see to it that you receive your five silver pieces, plus an extra compensation for your services," she bowed her head. "So please, my friend, let us borrow one of your steeds and one of your carriages."

"Justice is a dish best served cold. If it were served warm it would be justwater." Cue rimshot.

Mazoga listened to every one of the paladin's words, and her expression turned softer as she did. The half-orc scratched the back of her head and sighed, apparently caught in a dilemma.

"For the safety of my city, I'm willing to lower the price, just this time," she said. "However, it's not just about the money. These horses are my greatest treasure. I raised them all since they were foals. I feed and clean them myself. I nurse them back to health when they're sick. If I can't be sure that they'll be safe with the clients, I won't sell them. I don't care if they're paladins, wizards, clerics… Even if Ihys himself were to come down here and offer me a chest full of gold, I wouldn't give him anything until I was sure that he would take good care of my steeds. You won't believe how many good deals I've refused because I could smell that the buyer was a bastard. The same goes for you, I'm afraid," Mazoga took a deep breath. "This is what we'll do: approach my horses and try to connect with them. If they accept at least one of you as a friend, I'll give you a transport for those two silver pieces."

"Aha!" Kensuke exclaimed, grabbing his die. "Now's my time to shine! I want to roll Animal handling!"

"Okay", Shinji said. "Roll with disadvantage. 2d20, pick the lowest number."

"What? Why?"

"The horses can smell the werewolf under your skin. Your mere presence makes them uneasy."

Kensuke grumbled something, but he recognized that the Dungeon Master had a point.

"Doesn't matter," the geek declared as he grabbed a second die. "I have proficiency in Animal handling, which gives a total modifier of +6. I'm sure I can make it!"

And he rolled. The lowest number was a 5.

"Alright, not bad," Kensuke smirked. "That's an 11 in total. What's the Difficulty Class for this action?"

"12."

"Oh, come on!"

After almost having his hand bitten by a stallion, Kenneth backed away, leaving a considerable distance between him and the horses. For the first time in many years, the half-elf didn't think too fondly of his lycanthropy.

"Well, it is a curse, after all," he sighed, with sad acceptance.

"Do not punish yourself," Lilith said, placing a friendly hand on his shoulder. "You need not suffer alone. We all have our burdens, our own curses that we must carry."

"I don't trust stairs. They're always up to something." Cue rimshot.

Once again, Baltika pleaded to Mazoga:

"Could we try again? Perhaps I, or our fighter friend, would have better luck with your animals."

The half-orc gave a side-glance to the horses, which were now tense and didn't take their eyes off Kenneth, and shook her head, much to the adventurer's dismay. However, before they lost their last ounce of hope, she added:

"We'll try something different. Come with me."

Mazoga turned around and started to walk towards the main building, and the party followed.

"If a child refuses to sleep during naptime, are they guilty of resisting a rest?" Cue rimshot.

"I wasn't entirely honest," the half-orc explained as they walked between the empty stalls. "We do have a steed that's cheaper than the I-Shpanian mare. I didn't say anything because I didn't think you would want it. I've been trying to rent him for years, but nobody seems interested. Nobody that wasn't an asshole, anyway. It's the last offer I can make. If you can gain his trust, it's yours."

They reached the stall at the very end of the stable. Mazoga opened the door, revealing a humped creature, as big as an adult horse. Its back was protected by a red carapace and it had four insect-like legs, as well as two long, hairy antennae coming out of its head. Its tail, seemingly prehensile, ended in what looked like a double ended paddle. This strange animal was munching on a small pile of rusted iron, and it seemed quite content with the meal.

Rei's eyes widened.

"Is that a rust monster?" she asked.

"Yes," Shinji answered. "They're normally the size of ponies, but this one is unusually large."

Immediately, Ayanami grabbed onto Asuka's shirt with both hands.

"Can we please get that one?" she begged, looking at the redhead with big puppy eyes. "Please? Please? Please? Please? Pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease?"

The former pilot of Unit-02 responded with a trembling and nervous smile. She had gotten used to Rei's quirky behaviors long ago, even the ones that had surged after the war, such as her unexplainable love for heavy metal and horror stories. Asuka was no longer unnerved by her calm demeanor or by her philosophical ramblings.

However, getting used to those sudden outbursts of childness, or to the fact that Rei had chosen her as her de-facto 'honorary big sister forever' –a quote by the blue-haired girl herself–; was going to take a little more time.

"Yes, Wondergirl," the German girl said, smiling sheepishly, as she patted Ayanami's head. "Of course we can."

Mazoga took a few iron nails from her pocket and gave them to Lilith.

"Go ahead," she said. "Try feeding him. See if he likes you."

The elven warlock stepped into the stall. The straw on the ground cracked under her feet, attracting the attention of the rust monster. He turned to face the blue-haired visitor, tilting his head, trying to determine if it was friend or foe. Lilith approached very slowly, not doing any sudden movements. She crouched and extended her arm, the iron nails on the palm of her hand.

Using his antennae, the monster examined the treat that was being offered to him, not unlike a puppy sniffing a piece of meat. At the mere touch of his feelers, the nails rusted. The creature approached and nibbled the ruined metal just a little, testing if it was safe to eat from the hand of that stranger. He lost the fear after the first bites, and soon he ate the rest. Lilith scratched the underside of his head with the other hand, and the rust monster chirped. His hairy antennae touched the elf's face, tickling her, and she giggled.

Even after finishing the meal, the creature allowed Lilith to keep touching him. She scratched him behind the base of the antennae and patted his head, and he emitted more chirps of joy. Outside the stall, the rest of the party looked at Mazoga with questioning eyes. Smiling, the half-orc nodded.

Lilith's elven ears caught the sound of two silver pieces changing hands, and her face lit up with joy. The rust monster had his head on her lap now, and he was demanding cuddles. The warlock was more than happy to comply.

"I am going to call you–"

"Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff." Cue rimshot.

The table sunk in a tense silence. Ayanami closed her eyes and took a long, deep breath through her nose.

"Dungeon Master," she said. "I want to roll Intimidate to scare the Pit Fiend Away. Can I? I have proficiency in that skill."

"I don't know, Rei," Shinji replied, skimming through his notes. "He's not here by his own will; he's enslaved by the deck's magic. I don't think he can return to his plane of origin even if he wanted to," after thinking about it for a few seconds, he shrugged and opted to use the Dungeon Master's trademarked traditional answer to everything: "If you roll a Natural 20, I will allow it."

Rei picked up her die and threw it across the table.

Guess what she got.

"Why can't you hear a psion go to the bathroom? Because–"

Before the devil could finish the joke, a pale hand grabbed his throat and pulled down, forcing him to bow until he was face-to-face with a very upset elf. The imp and the tiny drums fell off his shoulder and vanished in a puff of black smoke. Lilith stared daggers at the Pit Fiend's cinder-like eyes.

"Shut up," she said, and although she didn't raise her voice one decibel, each and every word was brimming with hostility. "Shut. Up. Do not dare to finish that sentence. Do not even think of mumbling another single word. If you do, I will summon my eldritch patrons and I will break my pact with them."

"I… What?"

"Once my soul is no longer bound to the Far Realm," Lilith continued, "I will perform acts of unbelievable orderly cruelty, and those vile actions will ensure that, when I die, my spirit goes directly to the Nine Hells of Baator so that I can look for you."

The Pit Fiend gulped when the warlock's red eyes turned purple. She wasn't blinking.

"You will know of my arrival when your fellow devils screech in terror at my presence. My hatred for you will burn with the might of a billion suns, so much that my mere touch will melt the Iron City of Dis. My loathing of your very being shall be so cold that the fiery, magma-filled wastes of Phlegethos will freeze when I walk across them."

Lilith's eyes were now completely black, except for a tiny… something in the middle of each pupil, something that was spinning slowly, growing dimmer by the second.

"No matter what you do or where you go, no matter what archdevils you swear loyalty to in exchange for protection; I will find you. Even if it takes me a hundred eternities, even if I have to raise an army of souls and topple Asmodeus himself from his very throne; I will find you. Once you are mine, I shall subject you to horrors so unspeakable that you will beg to be recruited for the Blood War, but I will not let you. Every second of your endless agony shall be under my absolute control. I will not give you the mercy of insanity. Your tears will be my wine. Your wails, my lullaby. Your eternal suffering shall be my masterpiece, and the souls of the dammed will sigh in relief, for although they burn in the pits and drown in the lakes of boiling blood, they will know that, at least, they have been spared from my anger."

Galaxies. The Pit Fiend realized that the tiny things spinning in Lilith's pitch-black eyes were two dying galaxies, their stars going out one by one.

She released the monster from her grip, and the devil began to cry like a kid who's just been scolded. A circle of fire appeared at his feet and he was sucked down, back into the Hells which had spawned him. All that remained were his whimpers, echoing through the air.

Lilith's eyes returned to normal. She smiled, happily crouched back next to the rust monster and resumed petting him.

"I am going to call you Pinchy."

To be continued…

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AUTHOR'S NOTES:

I wish I could say that I'm sorry for those jokes, but I'm not.

Edgard Vautrine is based on an NPC from the videogame The Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion, who sells discount spells. Likewise, the name 'Mazoga' comes from an orc character of the same game.

Quoth the Kenku is based on Grunkle Stan from Gravity Falls, both in personality and attire. His name, 'Quoth,' comes of course from the 1845 poem The Raven by Edgar Allan Poe (there's also a talking raven in the Discworld novels named Quoth; but I only remembered that after the chapter was finished)

Last, but not least: Rei/Lilith has named the rust monster 'Pinchy' in honor of Homer Simpson's pet lobster (Season 10, episode 7, "Lisa Gets An A"). Rust monsters don't have pincers, so the nickname doesn't really make that much sense; but I just couldn't resist.

And yes, brainstealer dragons are a thing.

As always, many thanks to everyone who favorited, followed and/or reviewed; your support means a lot to me. Special thanks to Lexarius for his help and suggestions. I hope you've all had fun reading this chapter.

See you in the next one!

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GLOSSARY OF D&D WORDS:

Kenku: A race of raven people.

Pit Fiend: One of the toughest types of devils. I would like to say that they kinda look like the Balrog from LoTR; but I think that honor goes to the Balors, a type of demon.

Rust monster: One of D&D's iconic creatures. Although they are feared due to their ability to destroy any object made of metal, they're mostly docile and can even be tamed. If I'm not mistaken, rust monsters are classified as 'aberrations.' Since Lilith is a Star Pact warlock, I thought it would be funny to have one as the party's pet.

Blood War: An eternal cosmic conflict between devils and demons. The former want to conquer everything while the latter want to destroy everything, so obviously they don't get along very well.

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OMAKE: Rei's Game

Shinji closed the Dungeon Master's Screen and picked up his things.

"We'll leave it here for today," he said. "Rei wants to try DMing, and I told her that she could have the last couple of hours."

The two exchanged seats. Asuka wasted no time in scuttling to her right and grabbing a hold of Shinji's arm. Meanwhile, Ayanami raised her own screen. To nobody's surprise, she had personalized it with drawings of green, tentacled alien heads.

"Are we going to play Call of Cthulhu?" Asuka asked.

"No," the pale girl replied, with a sad shook of her head. "I would love to, but I have not read all the rules yet. Instead, I want to practice by running a short adventure in a more standard, simpler setting."

"That's a great idea," Shinji said. "Can you tell us a bit about it?"

"Very well," Rei took a deep breath. "You will begin your quest on the planet Erech, which is under assault by an army of zombified cybernetic unicorns sent by the evil wizard Pharazôn. He commands his forces from the Dark Matter Tower inside Caribdis, the Living Black Hole. The only hope to stop him resides in the darkest depths of the Anansi Asteroid Belt, home of the dreaded Nebula Spiders. It is rumored that in that place slumbers Illuyanka, the last hybrid of dragon and starship. Only she has the power to fly to the center of the Amalthea Galaxy and reach the home of the last Starmakers. These titans were the architects of the cosmos, and from a neutron star they shall forge a weapon mighty enough to slay Pharazôn once and for all."

Her monologue was followed by a silence of surprise as the players stared with their mouths hanging open.

"Wow," Asuka said. "If that's what you call 'standard and simple,' I have got to see what the more complex ones look like…"

"Shinji," Kensuke called, "no offence, but I believe I speak for everyone when I say that we want Ayanami to be our Dungeon Master now. And forever."

"Um…" the former pilot of Unit-01 cleared his throat. "That's a very... creative setting. How did you come up with it?"

"I got the idea after listening to the entire discography of Gloryhammer for twenty-two hours straight. Which reminds me," Rei placed a boombox on the table. "That is what we will listen during the game."

She pressed a button, and the players were blown away, quite literally, by a blast of symphonic power metal:

FOR THE KING WE WILL RIDE

THROUGH THE DARK GALACTIC SKIES

TO DEFEAT OUR FOES

WHEN THE CHAOS WIZARDS RISE