BAKAS&BEHOLDERS
Sponsored by Rei: Shadow Legends
VIII
You Should (Not) Write Too Much Lore
"No-legs lay on one-leg," Asuka repeated the words of the riddle, arms crossed and frowning in concentration "Two legs sat near on three legs, four legs got some."
All across the table, fingers were drummed on chins, scalps were scratched and fingernails were bitten as the players tried to figure out the answer.
"Maybe…" Hikari said. "A snake resting on top of a sleeping flamingo? No legs, one leg."
"I am not sure," Rei rebutted. "A flamingo still has two legs, even if only one of them is visible."
"Besides," Asuka added, "what animal only has three legs?" She glared at her boyfriend. "And you better not be pulling an Oedipus Sphinx's riddle here!"
"I'm not," Shinji said, hands up and smiling sheepishly. "I assure you, it's nothing like that. Well, maybe a bit… By the way, the circle of fire is shrinking."
Kensuke blew air through his lips. Hikari rubbed her temples.
"Perhaps," Rei suggested, "the riddle is not talking about animals?"
Touji leaned back on his chair and looked at the ceiling. Asuka was biting her thumb. A pleased and expectant Shinji watched them from behind the Dungeon Master Screen.
Kensuke snapped his fingers and raised his head, with a wide smile appearing on his face; but he quickly shrunk in his chair.
"Nah, forget it," he said. "I had an idea about who could 'one-leg' and 'no-legs' be; but it was in very, very, very bad taste. Please don't hit me, class rep."
"Four legs got some," Asuka repeated. "Some what? This riddle doesn't make any sense!"
"Dungeon Master," Rei said. "Could we perform an Intelligence or Wisdom roll, to see if our characters know the answer?"
"I'd rather do that as a last resort," Shinji explained. "For now, try to solve it yourselves. Also, the circle of fire keeps shrinking."
Those words sent almost all the players into a frenzy. Rei quickly wrote the riddle in a piece of paper, and began reading it over and over, trying to make sense of it. Asuka scratched her scalps, looking through every piece of knowledge stored in her brain that could help. Kensuke and Hikari did the same, but sadly, most of what they found was long lectures about the Second Impact which, as it turned out, weren't even accurate.
Kensuke raised a fist to the heavens.
"Curse you, teacher from Nebukawa whose name I never bothered to learn!"
Then, Touji, who had remained silent and seemingly absent-minded for a while; slammed his hand on the table.
"I know the answer!"
Everyone fell silent. All heads turned towards him, slowly and in perfect unison. Their faces reflected different degrees of disbelief, but this did little to deter Touji's enthusiasm. In fact, he grinned, quite proud of himself, as he declared, before anyone could interrupt him:
"I walk up to this fire dude and I solve the riddle!"
Asuka hid her face in her hands.
"We're doomed."
The adventurers pressed their backs against each other. Roaring fire surrounded them from all directions, and the heat was so intense that Emma and Baltika feared they would be cooked alive inside their suits of armor. Using his claws, Kenneth shielded his sensitive eyes from the orange brightness.
In the face of their impending doom, Thomas just smirked. He stepped forward and looked at the efreeti, who was now outside and above the ever-shrinking circle of fire.
"I'm ready to solve your riddle!" he declared.
The genie hovered through the flames, which caressed his red skin without causing any harm. He leaned forward, locking his ember-like eyes onto Thomas and regaling him with a maniacal grin. Black smoke escaped from between his yellow teeth.
The valiant rogue didn't back down, nor did he falter.
"It's quite the simple riddle," Thomas said. "No-legs? That's a fish, resting on a one-legged table. Two legs, the man of the house, sat near on a three-legged stool. And lastly, we have the cat, our friend of four legs, who indeed gets something: the bones of the fish."
The party held their breath, waiting for the efreeti's reaction. Even the flames around them seemed to freeze, to hesitate for a second.
Then, the red genie stood straight, a grimace of disappointment in his face.
"That is correct. The doors are open for you, intruders, and you get to live. At least, for a little longer."
And he vanished along with the ring of fire, returning to dwell inside the braziers.
"Ha!" Touji puffed his chest. "I knew it!"
Kyoko applauded, and Shinji made a note to give extra experience points to his old friend. The other four players stared at their rogue with their eyes wide open, and, in Asuka's case, also the mouth.
"What?" she managed to ask, after a while. "How?"
"It rang a bell," Touji explained, pointing at his temple. "I thought a little about it, until I remembered: It comes from a book, one that has this geek stuff ya'll like. What was it called… Ah, yes; The Hobbit."
This time, the whole table erupted into a loud 'WHAT?' Kensuke adjusted his glasses, beginning to doubt that the person sitting with them was Touji Suzuhara.
"You read The Hobbit?" he asked.
"You read?"
"Asuka!" Kyoko gasped. "That's not a very nice thing to say to your friend!"
"He's not my friend, he's Hikari's dumb monkey."
"Hey!" Touji pointed at her. "I'm not a monkey and I'm not Hikari's!"
"I rest my case."
"Well, just so you know, I do read!" he crossed his arms, but refrained from making a rude gesture due to Kyoko's presence. "As for that book, Sakura really likes it, and she often asks me to read it to her. It isn't my thing, all that stuff about wizards and trolls and whatnot; but for my lil sister I'll even read a Math book."
No further attack or nasty comment came from Asuka. She moved in her seat, seemingly uncomfortable. Averting her gaze from Touji, she said:
"That's very nice of you. I guess you are not a monkey, after all."
But, for her sanity's sake, she ignored Hikari, who was looking at the jock with dreamy eyes and rosy cheeks.
Although the danger had vanished, not everyone was eager to abandon that room. As soon as the flames died, Lilith approached the walls, whose hieroglyphs had, miraculously, not been damaged. It wasn't long before their companions, curious, walked next to her. The ruby eyes of the elven warlock were locked onto a particular logograph, much bigger than the others. It depicted a creature that could only be described as 'nightmarish;' an unholy cross between a centipede and a spider. A many-legged, many-eyed and many-mawed worm; surrounded by images of dead armies, dead kingdoms and dead worlds.
The adventures recognized it.
"Rovagug," Emma said, hostility growing in her voice.
"The Eater of Planes…" Baltika tightened her grip on her hammer and shield, seeking the comfort of her god's holy items.
Kenneth snarled.
Thomas spat at the wall.
"It is a tale," Lilith said. "It seems older than the petrified giants outside. Perhaps it is even older than the first human civilization who settled in the valley. It is the story of how our world came to be. A story of the death and rebirth of whole realities."
She ran her fingers down the hieroglyphs as she read them.
"Long, long ago; in a time before our time, there were two universes. One of Paths, one of Spheres. In the Universe of Paths, since its inception, Rovagug the Unmaker lay trapped within the core of a planet. One day, he was released by Asmodeus, the lord of Hell." She turned to look at her companions. "But not our Asmodeus."
The adventurers nodded, and Lilith continued:
"Upon being released, Rovagug devoured many worlds. When gods both good and evil arrived to fight him, several of them ended in his belly. Alas, sowing death and destruction across the Material Plane wasn't enough for the Great Destroyer. Behold."
Lilith pointed at the next section of the wall, at their right. It once again showed that blasphemous, insectoid beast; now facing off against an army of winged, horned warriors armed with whips, flaming sword and tridents.
"After gorging upon an entire solar system, Rovagug slithered through the cracks in the Planes and reached the Abyss. There, uncountable legions of demons tried to put an end to his rampage, but they failed. The Unmaker ate his way through hells and paradises alike, until he reached the Spire of Pharasma."
Kennet's wolf ears twitched at that name, recognizing it.
"Pharasma? The Judge of the Deceased?"
"Yes." Lilith nodded. "She is one of the goddesses who survived the destruction of the twin universes."
She moved to the next section of the wall.
"Rovagug did not attack the Spire. Instead, he merely climbed it."
The hieroglyphs showed a gigantic tower, and indeed, the cosmic monster was perched on the top, stretching his worm-like body upwards. His many maws were wide open, about to close on… it wasn't very clear what it represented, but it was circle containing a skull. Lilith pointed at it.
"Above the Spire of Pharasma, since time immemorial, floated Groetus, the sentient moonlet. He was the God of the End Times, prophesized to erase reality once the last mortal died and the last soul was judged. Rovagug jumped to meet the dreaded deity and swallowed him whole, and in doing this he grew even larger. Then, he fell, and the Spire crumbled under its weight."
They winced when they saw the next section of the wall. Even Lilith's ever-calm demeanor faltered for an instant. It was a representation of Rovagug, falling, surrounded by complete chaos. From cities on fire to towns being swallowed by wide chasms. There were dragons pierced by lightning, mountains and dead falling from the sky, tornados swallowing people, suns and stars cracked in half.
"Like a flaming comet, the Unmaker fell through the dimensions, until he crashed back into the mortal realm. In doing so, he opened a wound in reality. Fire, water, light, darkness, magic and the essence of death itself bled onto the Material Plane. The barriers between life and afterlife weakened, and many planets were devoured by the Abyss while others clashed against the homes of the gods."
"By Moradin…" Baltika said. "I had heard the story before, but never in so much detail. To think that things got so bad…"
"And they got even worse," Lilith said. "For you see, the Spire of Pharasma had been built at the beginning of history, and it was connected with the flow of time. When the tower shattered, so did the balance between past, present and future. Many of Rovagug's victims were spat back to life, only to be devoured again by the Great Destroyer. Future empires destined to last for centuries rose and fell in a matter of minutes. Entire species of animals became extinct before they even existed. And, on the heart of that maelstrom, Rovagug wriggled, drinking on the blood of a dying universe. And yet, despite of this, there was hope."
Lilith crouched and pointed at a corner of the wall, at a tiny logograph which resembled an old man, clad in white robes and with a long beard.
"Ihys." She explained. "The good god of free will, slain by Asmodeus at the dawn of the Universe of Paths, returned due to the shattering of time. Although reality bled around him and he wept for the billions lost, he rallied the remaining gods and the surviving mortal, hiding them from the Unmaker's hunger. Then…"
She turned towards the next section of the wall, but found it to be blank.
"It seems they didn't record the whole story," she said, her disappointment evident.
Pouting, and holding the notes of the world's lore, which Shinji had passed her; Rei addressed the Dungeon Master:
"I want to read it all."
Shinji offered her his best diplomatic smile.
"It's not good to reveal all of it in one go," he said.
"Besides…" Asuka pointed at the other end of the table, where Touji had fallen asleep. His head waddled back and forth, slowly, while drool threatened to drip from his mouth.
"Suzuhara!" Hikari yelled, startling him awake.
Rei accepted, but her pout didn't disappear completely.
"So," Shinji said, "do you want to inspect the room or something?" After his players shook their heads, he continued: "In that case, you walk through the door and find a set of stairs that go down. There are smaller braziers in the walls, also burning with smokeless fire, so you don't need to fear the darkness. At the bottom of the stairs, you find another door."
"Oh!" Touji snapped his fingers. "I do the thing! To see if there are traps!"
"Very well. Roll."
Thomas examined the gate of stone and determined that not only it was free of any traps, but also unlocked already. He opened it with a gentle push, and the adventurers stepped into their next challenge in the dungeon.
The new room was larger than the previous one, and the walls were made of a much darker stone. In the center there was an artificial pond of blurry waters, surrounded by four marble statues. They depicted tall, female elves; their eyes closed in apparent prayer or meditation. Each sculpture had its arms extended forwards, hands together and palms forming a cup, holding a crystal orb no bigger than a chicken egg.
One white. One red. One green. One yellow.
Beyond the pond, the adventurers saw a hole in the floor, perfectly circular and as wide as a hill giant. The bottom, if it had one, was shrouded in darkness.
And beyond that, a door. Only one exit, like before.
And like before, it was sealed shut.
Lilith was quick to inspect the statues, and found inscriptions in their bases.
"It is a puzzle," she said. "We need to drop the orbs in the pound, in the right order, and the door will open." She nodded towards the large hole. "If we fail, the monster appointed to guard this room will emerge and attack."
"How are we supposed to know the right order?"
"Roll Perception, everyone," Shinji instructed.
Dice were thrown, and in an unusual kind gesture of Lady Luck, all of them succeeded.
"You notice that the statues' clothes have strange reliefs. One has flowers, other has withered leaves that seem to be falling. Another has an imaga of the sun carved onto its back, and in the fourth one you can see snowflakes."
"Aha!" Asuka snapped her fingers. "The four seasons!"
A sad sigh escaped Kyoko's lips.
"I remember when we had seasons… I miss snow."
"So," Kensuke said. "Which one should go first? Winter? That's when the year begins, in January."
"Isn't it also when it ends?" Hikari pointed out.
"I would recommend starting with spring," Rei suggested. "It is, after all, the time when new births happen among animals and plants."
After sharing brief looks, all the players nodded.
Four of the adventurers stood around the pond, and each took one of the crystal spheres from the statues' hands.
Emma went first.
"The red orb of spring."
She dropped it, and the waters turned the color of blood. They waited a little, to see if there was any negative reaction, any sign that they were doing it wrong.
Nothing.
So, Baltika went next.
"The white orb of summer."
The waters became like liquid marble, if there could even be such a thing,
"The green orb of autumn."
The pond shone in an emerald light as Kenneth stepped back.
Lilith turned her hand, and the last sphere fell.
"The yellow orb of winter."
The colors began to flash in the waters, in the same order the orbs had been dropped. Red, white, green, yellow; faster each time. The light illuminated the whole room, and the adventurers were forced to shield their eyes, for it was too bright and it changed its coloration far too quickly.
Then, it all stopped, and the waters of the pond became black as a starless night. Before the party could even begin to theorize what had happened, an inhuman bellow rose from the depths of the hole.
They heard the noise of something climbing up.
"What the Hell?" Asuka protested. "What did we do wrong?"
Shinji sighed as he massaged his forehead.
"I thought you would notice that the colors of the orbs don't correspond with the seasons."
There was a brief moment of heavy silence. All the players stared at their Dungeon Master before speaking a dry "what" in perfect unison.
"You were tricked," Shinji said. "The orbs had been swapped long before you arrived; none was in its correspondent statue. The correct order was green spring, red summer, yellow autumn and white winter."
"Come on, dude!" Touji protested. "That's not fair! How were we supposed to notice that?"
"I mean…" Shinji shrugged. "I thought it would be obvious? Green isn't exactly an autumn color, for example."
"How would we know? It's always summer in here!"
"Touji, the pre-Second Impact seasons were part of our last exam."
"You know that I forget everything after each exam!"
As they argued, Rei leaned closer to Asuka and asked:
"It does seem a tad unfair. Are you not going to complain?"
"Nah," she replied, playing with a lock of her hair, without taking her eyes off her boyfriend. "I like it when he stands his ground like that."
"I see." Rei smiled. "Indeed, it is very reassuring to see Shinji being more assertive."
"Also, he's hot."
Rei looked at Shinji for a few seconds before declaring:
"I am fairly sure that his body temperature is the same as ours."
Asuka's palm met with her own face.
Meanwhile, Shinji had put an end to the discussion already, appealing to his authority as Dungeon Master.
"A monster emerges from the hole, and that is final," he declared. "Now, let's roll to see what type of creatur–"
He noticed that Kyoko was holding a sheet of paper next to his face. She was also smiling, and that was what worried him the most.
"You promised, Shinji."
The Dungeon Master sighed, defeated before the fight had even started. Indeed, he had promised.
"Change of plans," he said. "The type of monster will be decided by Mis–Auntie Kyoko's table for random encounters. Could someone roll a d100, please?"
Hikari did the honors.
"37."
Shinji checked the number in the table. Then he looked at Kyoko, who giggled.
He checked the table a second time.
He sighed again.
A hand emerged from the darkness. An emaciated arm, pale and dirty, but seemingly human. Five fingers felt the edge of the hole, scratching at the stone with long and broken nails.
A second arm followed, and then a third, and then a fourth. More and more kept appearing, until they formed a ring of limbs. In perfect synchronization, they slammed their palms against the floor and pushed.
An unholy body came out of the hole. A towering and bloated mass of skin and muscle, an amalgamation of pink, fleshy orbs grouped in pairs.
"Wait," Asuka said. "Is that a butt monster?"
Shinji cleared his throat, a light blush appearing on his cheeks.
"Let me finish with the description, please."
There were no mouths, and yet the beast groaned, hissed and moaned.
There were no eyes, and yet the thing seemed to know where the party was. It crawled towards them, dragging itself with the many arms which sprouted from between the fleshy spheres.
Oh… Oh, those orbs of skin and muscle… Those blank, round surfaces. No faces that could be recognized as human or animal, as demon or mortal. No muzzle of beast, no scales of dragons, no fangs of blood-thirsty predators, not even the compound eyes of eerie insects. Just pale flesh, spherical, always in pairs.
"It is a butt monster, isn't it?"
"Asuka, let me finish."
Some of the organic globes had wrinkly, old-looking skin; and they were flaccid and weak. Others were firm, strong, as if made of pure muscle. Some had hair, pimples and rashes; while others were without taint, as soft as the cheeks of a young elven princess.
Yes. In fact, they looked very much like inflated cheeks, but without a face between the–
"Oh mein Gott, it is a butt monster! Mom, what the Hell?"
Kyoko's laughter filled the table. Head low, Shinji resigned himself to the whims –and honestly worrying imagination– of his future mother-in-law.
"Roll Initiative, everyone."
To be continued…
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AUTHOR'S NOTES
As far as I know, there are no butt-monsters in D&D. Kyoko made it up.
That's one of the things I like about tabletop roleplaying games in general: if the base game doesn't have what you like, you can do it yourself. You can create new monsters, new magical objects, new playable races and even new classes.
Anyway; my original plan was to explore the lore of Shinji's world in the Interludes (from now on "special chapters"); but when I tried to do it again, I hit a wall of writer's block. Plus, some readers mentioned that they found the previous Interlude a bit hard to follow. Too much lore exposition. So, I've decided to change it and experiment with a new method that, hopefully, is easier to read for everyone. What do you think?
Special thanks to Su Exodus for giving me the idea of the butt-monster, and to the awesome people of the Asushin Discord for their constant support and love. And thank you for reading :)
Till next time!
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OMAKE: Nerv Explains Alignments – Part 2: Neutral Alignments
The lights turn on, revealing a theatre we're familiar with. Once again, YourBlandestNightmare walks to the center of the stage and addresses us.
"Greetings, my friends. Welcome to the second part of our show, where we explain D&D's Alignment System with the help of our friend from not just Nerv, but the whole Eva franchise. Without further ado, let's delve into today's alignments. "
YBN walks away, and a message appears in the big screen over the stage:
LAWFUL NEUTRAL
The curtains open, and one more time we see the enclosed artificial habitat behind a glass. Pen-pen waddles around. The sign reading 'Experiment P-34N. Termination scheduled for (the data is illegible)' is still there.
The new element this time is a grown man, perhaps in his early forties or late thirties, playing golf in the middle of the stage.
"Hello there," he says, not taking his eyes off the ball. "I'm that politician from Episode 7, the one who wouldn't allow Miss Katsuragi to know the password she needed stop a rampaging Jet Alone. Not without written authority. I've been told that I'm Lawful Neutral, to which I quite agree."
He swings, and the ball exits the stage.
"I follow the law and the proper procedures," the politician declares, setting another ball. "That's all that matters. I don't care if a nuclear robot is about to suffer a meltdown and destroy a city, or if an Angel is knocking on Central Dogma's doors, or if Godzilla himself emerges from the ocean and eats our fleet. I won't authorize any action without the proper paperwork."
Another swing.
"Chaos, my friends, is our true and most dangerous enemy. We need order to survive in this world, and that's all I'm about. Speaking of which," he looked at Pen-pen. "Sorry about this, buddy; but I can't get you out of there if I don't see a written authorization first. In triplicate and signed by the Prime Minister and by the Commander of Nerv, of course."
Beak wide open, Pen-pen grows pale as a shiver runs down his avian spine.
"Well, I'm afraid is off to termination for you," the politician says. "Nothing personal, buddy. It's just the law."
He swings again, and the curtain closes.
TRUE NEUTRAL
The curtains open, and we see the same set-up from before. Pen-pen, upon realizing that his demise hasn't arrived after all, puts a flipper on his chest and sighs, relieved.
Until the ceiling bursts and a gigantic red drill enters the stage, spinning downwards. The penguin shrieks and runs around the place in panic, flapping its flippers, while the drill goes through the stage floor, into the depths.
The camera zooms out, exiting the building, and we see Ramiel, the Fifth Angel. A large, white sign has been stapled to one of its sides. The letters are big enough for us to read the following message:
Hello. I am Ramiel and I am True Neutral.
Much like a wild animal, I care nothing for Law, Chaos, Good or Evil. I simply follow my instincts. I don't care about the penguin either.
After giving us enough time to read the whole message, Unit-01 approaches, but there is no fight. Instead, with a light push, the Evangelion spins Ramiel around, until we can see another sign stapled on the opposite side of the geometrical body:
Some people interpret "True Neutral" as adopting an existential neutral stance, with the moral obligation to keep Law, Chaos, Good and Evil in eternal and perfect balance.
Unit-01 spins Ramiel again, and a third sign is showed to us:
Here in B&B we have nothing against this interpretation, since everyone should be allowed to play the game as they wish; but we do not share it. Therefore, we shall not speak further about it.
"Alright, we're done," Shinji's voice comes through the speakers of Unit-01. "Ramiel, we have to go. You know you can't reach Central Dogma."
The Angel protests with an unnatural screech as its body twists into a floating ring of spikes, pyramids and rhomboids.
"Misato and Rei will get angry at you if you do it. Come on, let's go home. I'll read you that Math book you like so much."
More geometrical screaming.
"Shinji!" Asuka's voice booms as Unit-02 approaches. "You need to be more assertive! Watch this."
The red Eva rolls a giant newspaper and hits Ramiel with it.
"Bad Angel! You can't dig here! Bad Angel!"
Ramiel withdraws its drill and, screeching some more, floats away. Spikes sprout from its blue surface at short intervals.
Unit-01 hunches his shoulders.
"Now he's gonna be grumpy all day…"
CHAOTIC NEUTRAL
The curtains open, and as always we see the artificial habitat. All damage has been miraculously fixed, but Pen-pen is chugging down a can of beer, trying to calm down. YBN returns to the stage and addresses us:
"Finding an Eva character for this alignment isn't easy. In fact, you could argue that, technically speaking, none of the characters fit any of the alignments due to their complexity; but that's a topic for another day. So, I have hired outside help for this one. Please, welcome our guest, who will explain what is, perhaps, the most controversial of all alignments."
YBN exits through stage left as another person enters stage right. His whole frame is hidden by a dark cloak, and his face is covered by what looks like a modified gas mask.
"Hello," he says. "I don't know much about this D&D stuff, but I've been told to play the part of a Chaotic Neutral character. That means that I'm pretty much a mercenary. I care not for good or evil, only my survival, and I have no use for laws. I'm a free spirit, trusting no one but myself and the mighty gold."
He walks, stopping right in front of the reinforced glass. Pen-pen gulps, and his green eyes follow the movements of the masked individual.
"Now," the man continues, "that doesn't mean that I have no principles, or that I will do anything for money. Senseless mayhem isn't my game. I'm not a butcher. I might even reject a job, regardless of how good it pays, if I don't like what my employer asks me to do. But I'm no hero either, so don't expect me to save you unless you can pay me. Or unless I really like you," after saying this, he chuckles and shrugs. "Although who knows. I might be having a good day and save you anyway; just don't count on it."
He pulls out a large hammer from under his cloak and grabs it tightly, with both hands.
"Some people believe that playing Chaotic Neutral is playing a crazy character; but that's an oversimplification, often a cheap excuse to derail the campaign."
He swings his hammer in the air, but it never touches the glass. They're calculated movements, slow. One swing, two swings, three…
"Think of the Vikings. Were they crazy? Perhaps in the heat of the battle, but not constantly. Sure, they killed people and attacked villages, but they were just surviving in their own way. That's what being Chaotic Neutral is all about. Surviving, you alone against the world. Care not for laws, and not for morals other than your own. A solitary path of blood and gold."
The next swing is fast and mighty, and it shatters the reinforced glass. At first, Pen-pen takes cover behind a rock, but when the masked man doesn't move from his spot, our avian friend dares to take a peek. Little by little, he waddles closer, until he jumps out of its containment area, careful to not step on the many glass shard.
Man and penguin look at each other.
"The job was your freedom," the former says. "Now go, while I receive my payment."
Pen-pen nods and runs away, exiting through stage left and almost bumping into YBN's legs. The author shares a look and a silent nod with the cloaked stranger, and then he snaps his fingers.
A large wooden crate drops in the middle of the stage, breaking upon impact and releasing a very confused Ryoji Kaji.
"Wha… What am I doing here?"
The mercenary takes away his cloak and mask, revealing deathbringer374, author of Redemption Song and Relapse, among others. With a smile, he cracks his knuckles as he approaches his ponytailed and badly-shaven payment.
"Who are you?" Kaji asks.
"I'm gonna Chaotic Neutral the shit out of you, you son of a bitch!"
Db's first punch sinks into Kaji's stomach, making him double over. The second hits him right in the jaw, and the wannabe spy spits many bloodied teeth as he falls to the floor. Before he can react, db is already on top of him, raining blows down on his face. His nose is broken in a matter of milliseconds. His mouth is red, flooding with blood.
Then, there's a loud cracking noise.
"Ooops," db says, standing up, knuckles soaked in crimson. "I think I've killed him."
YBN approaches and looks at Kaji.
"Yeah, I believe humans aren't supposed to have that much gray matter outside of their skulls. But don't worry, this is Dungeons&Dragons!"
From under his shirt, he pulls out a book. We can't see the title, but the cover is adorned with runes which glow in an eerie green light.
"Let's see… a little necromancy and a multiplication spell, and… presto!"
The stage is swallowed by a spectacle of supernatural lights and clouds of purple mist. It settles after a few seconds, revealing a group of identical ponytailed zombies shambling around.
Pen-pen appears from stage right, walks next to db and handles him a chainsaw. Our guest looks at YBN.
"Have fun."
Db wastes no more time and pulls the cord, jumping into the action. The chainsaw roars as it tears through the putrid flesh and the rotting bones, transforming each zombie into a fountain of blood and guts.
YBN turns to us, and after ducking to avoid a flying severed ribcage, he says:
"That's all for now, friends. Return next chapter, when we'll finish this series of omakes by looking at the Evil alignments!"