Hey mates! Was still feeling like shit for a bit there so sorry for the delays on this story too there lol Antibiotics know how to kick my ass ngl lol That and school decided that my last semester at my community college was going to put three with the longest chapters I have in the same week so yeah... Fun lol

Anyway, I would like to note that I'm a writer that writes from experiences that happen. Either from those I love, those I just simply know, or from random occurrences in my day to day. I'm a realistic writer.

And today, my psychology class asked me to write about a question that is very near and dear to my heart (especially with someone I love a lot), self-harm.

I wanted to use this story as a way to explore my thoughts on this subject, especially since Claire in this one has a history with it. So today's chapter is going to explore that. So if that's a touchy subject for you, go ahead and click off this one. It might not impact the next chapter all that much anyway.

All in all, much love to you all, and keep your health well. Cheers!

When you love someone, you accept them with all their faults and issues.

You take each touchy subject and every bothersome thought that they have and you make something new. Yeah sometimes they'll dwell into the past, we all do, but being accepting and understanding is what makes a relationship strong.

And that idea is completely true when it comes to loving Claire Nuñez.

"I'm sorry." I hold the weeping woman's wrist still as I clean the skin she had stained there. "It's not your fault."

"I know, Claire." I try my best to focus on cleaning her small little wounds as she wiped her tears with the sleeve of the hoodie she's wearing. One that was a part of my own closest originally.

Depression is something that is always consistent. Mix that in with the trauma that Claire has witnessed and you have someone always struggling to keep herself together. In all honesty, they've been really good about keeping her old coping habits at bay. She's been good about taking her meds and even eating consistently, which Douxie told me that she used to not be.

But a lot can change when something happens that makes that trauma come rushing right back. When that feeling of helplessness and worthlessness reemerge.

Seeing the ex that assaulted you would most definitely do that.

I gave Claire a soft smile as I reached up to pull the now soaked hoodie sleeve from her face. Making her see that I wasn't frustrated or upset with her in any way as I brought her injured wrist close to me.

"Claire, you're okay." I brought the back of her wrist up so it pressed lightly against my cheek. The small action seemingly calmed the woman almost instantly. "I'm not mad or anything."

"Y-You're not?"

"Of course not."

"You're not upset or disappointed?"

"Why would I be?" I gave her a curious look as I continued talking. "People mess up, Claire. We're only human. Relapses happen. I'm just happy you didn't hide this from me or anything." Claire simply sniffled for a moment as I brought her wrist back down to how she had it before. My other hand dropped from hers as I went back to work cleaning the small cuts. "You said it didn't make you feel any better either, right?"

"Yeah. It-. It used to be relieving after."

"Then remember how it felt this time whenever you get that feeling again."

"Yeah." I glanced up toward her for a moment as I put the small damp washcloth I was using to clean up the blood on her wrist for an alcohol wipe instead. "Just happy you didn't threaten me with anything."

"Threaten you? Why would I do that?" I gave her a curious look as I opened the package for the wipe. "Has people done that to you before?"

"Steve used to say that if I did it again, he would do it to himself. Mom saw them once and threatened to send me to a hospital to be detained." Claire looked down at her wrist for a moment as she took in a soft breath. "I know you're different and all, but I was still scared all the same. The only people who never reacted that way were Douxie and Zoe but I only ever thought that cause they saw me like family. Even then though, I could see how much I hurt them when I relapsed that time. Felt like I was cutting them to shreds right along with me." I looked down toward Claire's wrist as I thought for a moment how painful those moments must have been for her. Having those you thought loved you say those things. Then only getting what you needed from those who ended up picking as family instead. Must have been rough.

Makes sense why she would panic like that too.

I glanced up toward Claire to see she was looking down at the small little cuts with disgust. As if she now despised that part of herself as she did with those she covered years ago.

But that doesn't mean it has to continue like that.

Without a second thought, I took the back of her wrist gently in my hand before slowly bringing the injured side up to my lips. As gently as I could, I placed a small kiss on the small little valleys there before bringing her wrist back down once more.

"It won't be that way with me, alright?"

"I'm still sorry though." I gave her a small smile as I grabbed the small alcohol wipe once more.

"Nothing to be sorry about. We just gotta find you better coping mechanisms." I started cleaning the fresh wounds as I started to ramble about a few ways to help her. "I heard fidget toys help. Like those bubble popping things. We can look at a few together and see what suits you." I felt her wrist flex a little under my hand so I continued speaking to see if I could calm her. "Toby used to use stress balls. Some weren't even ball-shaped. He had one that was a robot head he would squeeze while we studied together. Though, those might not be your thing. We can look into it though."

"You keep saying we." I looked up toward Claire with a curious look just to see she was staring down in her lap.

"Of course I'm saying we. We're in this together, aren't we?" She raised her head slowly to show her tear-stained cheeks giving a small smile.

"Yeah. Together." I gave her a lopsided smile before tossing the alcohol wipe in the trash.

"Through thick and thin, Claire." I turned my attention toward her as I let the words fall from my mouth once more. "Through thick and thin."

"I love you." A soft smile took over my face as Claire's free hand reached out and took over my other one.

"I love you too."

"So she had a relapse." I nodded my head as I leaned against Douxie's old little muscle car. His head ducked under the hood as he was replacing the engine's drive belt. "She hasn't had one of those since she moved in with Merlin and me ages back."

"Yeah, she told me as such after I got her cleaned up the rest of the way." I sighed as I slipped my hands into my pockets. "I was wondering though how you got her to stay clean for so long? How's you get her to just stop like that?"

"Honestly? I kept her busy- fuck." Douxie pulled back his left hand and shook it a little before getting back to work under the hood. "Had her do sketch work for me and Merlin gave her a counter job. Merlin was evident on not leaving her alone for a little while too. Made it so she didn't even have a bedroom door in case she decided to try to hide any more cuts from us." Douxie pulled back completely to clean his hands with a rag he had sitting on the side of the open hood as he gave me a small frown. "Probably wasn't the best course of action though. When you're in that kind of state, you wanna be trusted and loved. Not treated like some kind of psyche patient."

"What other methods did you guys use? Ones that do not involve door removing."

"Fidget toys helped her a bunch. Maybe giving her a little cube thing or something will help when that shows up. She had a small stuffed animal too that she would pet when she was having flashbacks and stuff. I think it was the soft texture that calmed her. Maybe a new one of those will do her good." I nodded along to Douxie's words as I thought to myself aloud.

"Fidget toys. Soft things. Got it."

"Stress balls too are good. Or those squishy toys. She used to use some of my clay stuff as some when we first got her to start fidgeting with things so maybe something that's not dryable if left out will do her well." I nodded along as he gave me a soft smile. "It's good to know you don't see her any differently though. I know not many others can say that they stood by their partner through that kind of stuff. For some people, it's too much."

"I love her." I gave him a full smile as I brought my hands out of my pockets. "I wouldn't love her any less cause of some relapse. Even then, I knew what I signed up for. I knew she had a past that still pays a toll on her. If I didn't think I could handle it, I wouldn't have let myself get as attached as I have."

"Still, I'm really glad you're like that, mate. She really did need someone like you."

"And I needed someone like her." I smiled softly as I crossed my arms over my chest with a soft sigh. "Just lucky we have each other then." The older man hummed in agreement before looking at his engine again.

"I fucked this up now, didn't I?" I chuckled at him before leaning over from where I was against the car and taking a quick look.

"Yep."

"Fuck!"

"And this is why you have me around, Doux." I pushed myself away from the car before walking over to replace him from in front of the hood. "Now let me do my magic here."

"Alright, great and powerful Merlin." Douxie wiggled his fingers mockingly as he gave me a cheeky grin.

"Oh shut up before I start yelling your birth name as the old man would."

"NO! NO THANK YOU! That died along with him, alright?"

"Whatever you say." I waited for a second before shooting the tattoo artist a smirk. "Hisirdoux." The older man just stared at me wide-eyed for a moment before giving me a defeated look.

"Why do you wound me so, my dear friend?" He placed a hand over his heart dramatically. "Such a fatal blow."

"See? And this is why you and Zoe belong together." I chucked for a moment before ducking under the hood to fix his mistakes. "You're a drama queen and she's as cool as fucking subzero."

"Now that one was just harsh."

"It's the truth though."

"... You're not wrong."

I always hated the look of new scars.

I swallowed hard as I looked down at my wrist. The bright red cuts stared back at me as if they had eyes of their own.

The feeling of them was much worse. The light itch of them as they scab for the first time. The tightness of my skin around the edges. All of it. Can't even remember why I started doing this to myself in the first place if the aftermath was always so dreadful.

I closed my eyes slowly as I tried my best to pull my gaze away from the cuts.

The relief. That's why. It felt like I had control for once. That I could ground myself in a way. That I could do what I wanted with my body.

But I didn't even have that this time.

I sighed as I stood up from where I was sitting at the side of the tub as I went to get a new covering bandage for the cut.

Jim has changed a lot for me. He came at a time of my life that I wasn't really expecting a change. A part of my life where I never thought I could trust someone any more than I do Douxie.

But he walked right in and messed with everything. In the most beautiful way.

I placed a piece of gauze on my wrist and tapped it down how I used to so I couldn't look at the freshly healing cuts again.

Instead of hurt, he gives me love. Instead of pain, he gives me support. Instead of all the horrible things I was put through, he makes it feel like it was worth it to some degree. That I had to go through pieces of it to truly understand how much his love matters to me.

I left the bathroom and waddled my way into our shared bedroom. Flopping into the middle of the bed in a single motion as I let out a soft yawn.

He's a wonderful little thing. Something that has made a much bigger difference than I think even he knows.

I gave a sleepy smile as my tired brain decided to take the wheel. Driving me slowly into the sleepy land of slumber.

The closest thing to a personal little angel.

And I love him more than anything.