AN: Um yes, there is a whole lot of depressing crap going on. Hence me avoiding this story like the plague for weeks.
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Chapter Twenty-Nine
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Scarlett began riding out to the mills in the morning when Claire was 3 weeks old. There was hardly enough time for her to accomplish much and Rhett knew from his mother that Claire was fussy for at least a half-hour before her mother returned to feed her. Still though Scarlett insisted on returning to control the mills. He imagined it wasn't long before she reclaimed the store as well.
Rhett was fairly certain Mammy would bring Claire to Kennedy's rather than let the maid who served as Claire's wet nurse originally return to the task. Mammy viewed the wet nurse at night with disdain every time he saw the old woman hand off the baby. Mammy had finally seen what type of a mother Scarlett could be and seemed to resent everyone that prevented her from being that woman.
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"Why is she still crying?" Scarlett asked after what seemed like hours listening to the baby cry in the small nursery that adjoined their room, her gown was beginning to dampen from the unrelenting cries.
"I certainly have no idea," Rhett answered, they were both on their backs on their opposite sides of the bed listening to the month-old baby cry. "I hear the nurse."
"You hear the maid; the wet nurse's children are sick."
"I will see what the issue is my dear," he said flinging back the bed clothing to stand.
"Thank you."
He wondered who he was that he was in bed at 10pm in actual night clothing as he pulled on his dressing gown.
He knocked at the door that adjoined theirs to give the maid a moment to cover up if need be.
The young maid, no older than twenty looked up at him with wide and worried eyes as she sat in the rocker with Claire in her arms, her chest covered by a blanket, "I'm sorry Mister Rhett, she won't feed."
He sighed and held out his arms, "I will bring her to her mother so we can get some sleep."
The young woman was still apologizing as he walked out the door.
"She won't nurse," he announced as he walked back into their room holding the baby.
"Oh honestly," Scarlett said with her fingers already at the buttons on her gown, "as if it's hard."
"If you would like to instruct the maid," he said as he approached her.
She gave him a dirty look as she took the baby, looking up with an I told you so expression as the baby immediately latched on.
He sat in the chair by her bedside, positive Scarlett would not be alright with him going to sleep. Scarlett was sitting upright with her eyes closed, her dark waves falling around her shoulders.
He recalled how she used to nurse Nicky. The affectionate greetings and comments she would give their son, the tender looks, even when she had a blanket over her chest and Nicky as Prissy would be doing her hair. Her eyes would drop down, lips lift up in a smile.
He thought of the times she had fallen asleep nursing Nicky after they had made love, how he would never fail to laugh when he would look over and realize she'd dozed off. He had startled her awake more than once with his laugh.
He couldn't imagine that ever being their life again. He thought back to the last time they had made love, he had thought of it more times than he'd care to remember. Often wondering if it would be the last time they would, sometimes thinking that it should. He knew that everything that would be in their future would pale to their past. They had had so many explosive encounters in their history it almost seemed bizarre that their last time could have been their last time.
It had been three days before their world changed, he couldn't understand why it had been three days. Only he could when he remembered who they had been then. The couple and the life they had been. They had gone out to supper two nights before that awful day; they had stayed out far too late for a woman over five months into a pregnancy and had gone straight to bed upon their return and she had still been tired the next night. Such mundane and ordinary things in their life.
Still though he thought back to that last moment of full marital intimacy. He thought of them both in bed, half asleep, Scarlett pressed along him. His hand refusing to stay still, had it been her hip or her back?
"Go to sleep," she muttered against him.
"I am."
"Stop moving."
His fingers paused for a few moments and then returned to their task.
"Rhett."
"I hardly know what to tell you, Scarlett. The rest of me is perfectly still."
She gave a soft laugh.
"My fingers can hardly be at fault when the skin below them is so enticing."
She was smiling as she tilted her head up to look at him.
His other hand had no choice just the same as its match, it was immediately drawn to the soft skin of her jaw, teasing along the slope. It didn't take long for his lips to find hers after that.
He pushed away the memory. The memory of a life that was no more
He sat in the chair until Claire was done, smiling at Scarlett as he took the baby from her and brought her back to the nursery. Scarlett was on her side clutching her bedsheets by the time he returned.
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"Rhett," was all Scarlett said after they'd both been awoken by the baby crying, the baby that continued to cry.
He was relatively sure he would arrive home tomorrow to find the nursery moved down the hall. "I am going to check," was all he said as he was already getting out of bed and reclaiming the robe that he suspected he should simply keep on for the rest of the night.
He walked to the door and knocked again before entering. The young maid was pacing as she bounced the baby.
"I'm sorry Mister Rhett, I changed her, but she just won't stop crying."
His hands went out, no longer interested in consoling the maid when he was the one in need of comfort. The loud cry quickly changed to a hiccupping cry and within moments the baby was content. "I think it's best if I just bring her into the room with her mother and I."
"But-"
He shook his head, "There should be space for you to sleep in the room off the kitchen. You may retire for the night." There was a cot in the nursery for servants tending to the baby, but he was fairly sure Scarlett would lose her mind if a member of the staff that was not tending to someone, stayed on the second floor with them. The room off the kitchen was where one or two maids would spend the night, should a family member need them in the middle of the night rather than having them summoned from the servant's quarters outside of the house.
"I'm sorry Mister Rhett."
He shook away her concern and headed towards the door.
"That baby cannot be hungry again," Scarlett said viewing Claire in her father's arms as he walked towards the bed.
"She had to be changed and then wouldn't settle down. I don't believe she likes strangers."
"Oh honestly, so many people hold that baby how could she even know. Well you might as well put her down here, I'll have to feed her again in an hour. You can tell the maid-"
He stopped Scarlett before listening to the many things he expected she wanted to say to the maid, but likely wouldn't because she wasn't part of the original O'Hara staff. "I told her she was dismissed for the night and she could sleep off the kitchen."
"I imagine she'll get significantly more sleep than we will," Scarlett scoffed at the thought.
"I quite imagine you're right."
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"Do not touch her," Scarlett spoke the next morning with her eyes barely open.
He had finished preparing for the day and went to go about his normal routine of bringing the baby to the nursery, "I was going to bring her to Mammy."
"And she'll bring her right back because the next time she wakes up, she's going to want to nurse. So if you touch that baby I will cut off your hand."
"Shall I assume you won't be going to the mills today?"
"Unless you think I should travel around town in my nightclothes, I think not because I do not plan on dressing today." Her eyes closed, "Have a good day Rhett."
He laughed lightly, "Goodnight my dear."
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After returning home and exchanging greetings with his mother who in the sitting room with Nicky, Claire and Prissy, inquiring about the whereabouts of Pauline and Rosemary and what was for dinner because a night of poor sleep had left him famished, he inquired after Scarlett, "Did Scarlett ever make it downstairs?"
"She did and she tried to get Claire to settle down with the maid, it did not go particularly well. Scarlett took tea with us and then retired upstairs to nap in preparation for tonight."
Rhett sighed and sat down, pulling Nicholas up onto his lap as the boy recognized a new opportunity for play. "I suppose we should be grateful the wet-nurse chose to stay home with her children rather than bring the sickness here."
Prissy let out a snigger.
He dropped a look at the servant.
"Mammy would have hunted her down like a rabbit if she got any of the babies sick. Mammy told her from the start to not come if anyone were sick," Prissy supplied from her spot on the floor where she'd been playing with Nicholas.
"I would not be surprised if Mammy had you or I removed to the National if we fell ill while Claire is so fragile," Elizabeth Butler added in agreement.
He let out a laugh, "I am fairly certain you're right mother."
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It was odd when it began. The exact thing he wanted. Scarlett to behave as a mother to Claire. To treat their youngest child as she had always treated Bonnie and Nicholas. Adored and loved.
He wasn't even sure how it began or when.
Suddenly he began to notice Claire holding her mother's finger while she nursed.
Scarlett began to occasionally hum as she fed their daughter.
She began to respond to the baby's gurgles and coos.
They were all such little things, but they crept into his notice.
There had been a few brief moments in that first week of the baby being in their room at night that it felt normal. It felt as if they hadn't suffered an impossible loss. Then it would hit him all over again.
There was something about seeing Scarlett with Claire that struck him far worse than those moments of normality with Nicholas.
With Nicholas it had been a continuation.
With Claire it was something new.
There was something far more crippling with Claire.
It would sometimes strike him and make his knees go weak as they had when he would be alone.
The shame that would have brought, the despair for them to see him as he was. To see how the sight of his family made his knees buckle. Made him want to sob into a chair or onto the floor.
It was overwhelming the despair that could course through him at a moment's notice. It took everything within him to keep it hidden.
But oh the sight of Scarlett with Claire in her lap and their daughter's little hand wrapped around her mother's finger.
Such a small thing.
An innocent thing.
Something that should have brought him joy.
It brought him to his knees when he would leave them.
There was envy as well. At the sight of Scarlett starting to heal and move on.
There was anger at the audacity of his wife to be able to move on from Bonnie.
Still though. He smiled at his family and made the obligatory small talk required as a husband, father, brother and host.
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Scarlett smiled as she looked at the family as they sat together in the parlor in the early evening.
Her only dignified in appearance husband was on the floor with Wade, Beau and Ella. He was attempting to teach them a card game that she was sure would only get them into trouble later. Her aunt was seated off to the side by the windows. Mother Butler was off in the sitting room returning correspondence. Rosemary out of the house with new friends.
Scarlett let out a small laugh as she saw Nicholas clambering into the circle of people on the floor, his interest in his own toys suddenly forgotten. The easy way his father caught him up in one arm.
They were beautiful together. That small little group. Her small little family. She dropped a glance to Claire in her cradle; the baby contented in sleep.
There was a beautiful simplicity in their family.
What had seemed so impossible only weeks ago now seemed within her grasp once more.
She loved him so. Just the sight of him. Especially with Nicholas on his lap that large hand of his covering their son's width as he held him in place.
There was such relief in having Rhett. Someone who would always love and protect her. Someone to shelter her from the darkness. To bring light into the often dark world they lived in.
They would laugh again. They would dance again. They would make love again.
She gave another look at Claire. She thought of her midsection. Even with her interest in food non-existent the first few weeks, the flesh showed no signs of truly decreasing to what it had once been. More angry purple lines streaked up her body than they had with any of the other children. She had certainly never grown as large with any of the other children as she had with Claire, likely because she had moved far less those final months. She understood the matrons now with their waists nearly as large as they were tall. Her vanity paled to her children.
It paled to things that would make Rhett happy. The children made him happy. He oddly enough had seemed to appreciate her body more after their two children than before. She imagined he'd be more than fine if her waist ever approached her height. Why he'd laugh at her as he always did when she'd try to extinguish the light.
There was such comfort in his love. She longed for the days she could put her arms around him again. Feel the roar of his laugh under her head.
In time she told herself. She wasn't quite sure why she couldn't take that first step towards him. It was simply so soon after the baby and Melly.
In time though they would do more than find their way back to each other. They would be what they should have been from the start, what they should have been since Wade was a toddler and he had first declared his love.
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Rhett approached the nursery, the peels of laughter drawing him in.
Scarlett was young. So very young. It was his first thought as he looked in from the doorway and saw her on the floor with Nicholas.
She was 28 to his 45. Sixteen and a half years hadn't seemed so sweeping when she was 21. Back when he was still full of life and he could see a future with Scarlett and her young children.
Seeing her now though. The harsh black of her dress, the high collar, the large cameo at the base of her neck. There was thankfully no lock on Bonnie's hair on her person, he imagined he wouldn't be able to face Scarlett if she had embraced that custom.
Everything about her attire signaled that her world had ended with their daughter. Only her face, the brilliant smile on her face as she played with her favorite child, her eyes greeted Rhett's with a sparkle, no attempt at muting her present joy. "Nicky has learned a new word."
Rhett smiled, Nicky seemed to be learning a new word every day, he recalled this stage with Bonnie how she had seemed to go from a baby to a child overnight. The boy was on his feet, heading towards him saying "Daddy" the moment his mother directed his attention to the door with her words.
"And what new word is that?" Rhett asked bending to pick up the toddler.
"Cat-a-pil," Nicky smiled waving a green knit snake creation.
"It may need a little more refinement still," Scarlett smiled.
"Sounds perfect to me," Rhett smiled. "This is new," he touched the segmented green creation Nicky still clutched.
"Ella got Aunt Pauline to knit her the caterpillar in Alice."
He remained smiling despite feeling as if he had taken a punch to the gut hearing the name. Recalling Bonnie on his lap through the stories of Alice. The children even Beau had adapted to their new world so effortlessly. They had lost Melanie, but gained three other women eager to dote over them.
Scarlett extended a hand, a signal that he was to help her off the floor. She was likely cinched to the point she couldn't take a deep breath, certainly not able to easily get up and down off the floor with her corset, the stays, the bustle and the skirt.
Her dresses were Scarlett once more, the noticeable touches to be on trend, the finer weave of the fabric, dresses no longer coarse and simple as they had been when Melanie, his mother and the aunts had selected them. Life had gone and Scarlett had done what she had always done, adapted to the situation and made it her own.
He crossed the room and still holding their boy in one arm, he effortlessly pulled his wife up with the other one.
"Thank you," she smiled and lifted up to kiss his jaw, "how was your morning?"
"Uneventful, yours?" He answered. She had returned to the basic domesticity they had eased into after Nicholas. It had been so precious when Nicholas was a baby, but now all it did was remind him of what they were not.
"Brighton's building several new houses, he seems to think this crisis will be over within a year."
"Well he's a fool. Do not extend him any credit."
"Is it really that bad? I mean-"
"It is and the same foolish men will bury their heads in the sand just like they did with the war and their families will suffer just the same."
"It can hardly be as bad as the war."
"It will be a different type of suffering, but do not doubt me these next few years will be-"
"Years," Scarlett repeated in a raised voice.
"Yes, Scarlett years. We'll be fine. This wasn't unexpected. The signs have also been there for years."
"Only seen by Rhett Butler and not the masses?" Her brows lifted up.
"The country saw what they wanted to see. Growth and rebuilding. Never put your faith in one thing." He was amazed at how instantaneously he thought of her faith in Ashley Wilkes.
"Is that your way of telling me I should take Kennedy's back over and not trust our family's well-being to only you?"
It was utterly bizarre how despite the serious set of her lips, her eyes sparkled as she spoke to him, she was teasing him.
"Mama cat-a-pil," Nicky said holding out his toy to his mother.
"Yes, it is my brilliant boy your sister is going to be so excited when she gets home from school."
It would be Ella who would be excited. Not Bonnie who had taught her brother to walk on the floor above them. It would be Ella, who would tell him the story of Alice Through the Looking Glass as only a child could. She was in a stage where she would likely have one of her porcelain dolls mixed in with the various stuffed and knit creatures to fill the major characters. Bonnie would have for sure forced her cats into the story.
They had been such vastly different older sisters to Nicholas, but Nicholas would only grow up, only know one older sister for the rest of his life. Far too young to recall the little girl with bright blue eyes who would crawl on the floor with him, the peels of her laughter ringing through the air. Lost to him at an age he had only been able to call her, "Ba," oh her eyes would have sparkled just like her mother's when he was finally able to say her full name, but she never lived to hear that and he would never truly understand the person his older sister was.
"Shall we join the family downstairs?"
"I would not be displeased if we called for tea," Scarlett suggested.
"Dinner is two hours away-" he pointed out. Dinner would be served the moment the children returned from school, they quickly learned not to delay or face the wrath of their famished mother.
"Whenever your mother calls for tea they only bring bread and fruit."
He smiled slightly, "You are the woman of the house Scarlett, you can call for more food."
"I can hardly call for more food with your mother, sister and my aunt."
His lips lifted with her concern for appearances. "You are still feeding two people Scarlett, your appetite can be attributed to motherly concern and not un-lady like behavior." She was decidedly un-Scarlett with their family. She displayed a breeding she tossed to the side years ago. Manners she had only returned to outside of their house with the development of Nicholas.
"I will hardly survive until the children return, will you take tea with me or will I be forced to hide in our room-"
"I will take tea with you and loudly inform the room that I require something more substantial than bread or a biscuit."
"I would be more than happy with a biscuit if it had something on it."
"Would you like tea my boy?" Rhett asked as he turned to walk out of the room.
"Tea!" Nicky's dark eyes lit up as tea often meant he would get something and possibly a sweet something.
Rhett escorted them downstairs and Scarlett informed a member of the staff that they would take tea in the family parlor.
He wanted to stop her and have the refreshments sent to the sitting room with his mother and her aunt, allow the women to control the conversation and not be forced to maintain one with his wife.
It had once been so easy to take tea with her. To take tea with her with a toddler about his legs as there would be again today.
Being with Scarlett had once been as natural as breathing. He knew that there would be moments during the meal when it would be once more. They would be as blissful as they were painful for there could be no break from their reality that was not accompanied by the realization of their loss.
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