Putang has always been a chaotic place, even without the supernatural interferences of angel, demons, ghosts, and sorcerers. But not since the War of the Penis has it reached a level of madness and destruction like it was now. Squads of Crossers backed up by Nullsouled battled the combined forces of the Odd Men and NeoFeds in the streets, bullets and spells flying as cavalry sabers and claws clashed against one another. Down in the sewers, the Moon Goonz, never truly loyal to Helmet to begin with, had sided with Jackboot almost immediately once he showed them the Nullsouled and fought fiercely against the brutish Gator Legion MC and their monstrous reptilian companions. As the chaos below raged on, Flat Cap was flying about the city, acting as air support for the Odd Men and NeoFeds, focusing his fire on the Nullsouled as his angelic ammunition did not harm humans.
Back on the ground, Loincloth was cutting down Nullsouled after Nullsouled and any Crossers that got too close to him would receive a brutal backhand or kick. He would frequently get hit by a few bullets, but his hulking frame just shrugged most of them off and any that actually did penetrate his skin would quickly be pushed back out as his body healed itself.
"This is actually getting annoying." He stated, pulling his axe out of another Nullsouled's body.
"Oh shush, you youngsters need the exercise." Old Man Blindfold said as he walked up besides the giant.
"Youngster? I'm your elder by thousands of years."
"And you have the mindset of a youngster. Therefore you are a youngster." Just then, a Nullsoul appeared behind Blindfolds, ready to devour him before the one-arm sorcerer's phantom hand grabbed the horror by it's skull, crushing it then releasing it, letting gravity cause the Nullsouled to slump down onto it's knees.
"What I really need is to find out where these ghosts are coming from and punch it's source hard and extremely violently." Loincloth said, clenching a fist.
"It's the old FizzJizz factory." Blindfolds stated bluntly.
"How the hell do you know that?"
"These eyes see more than any being. Mortal or spirit." Blindfolds answered with a raspy chuckle.
"If you knew, why didn't you tell us about it earlier?!"
"Trust me, young man. It would have ended a lot worse if I did."
Loincloth grimaced before placing a finger on his earphone.
"Flat Cap. Meet me at the FizzJizz factory. It's the heart of all this and we're gonna rip it out."
"Good!" Flat Cap responded in an angry tone as he turned another Nullsouled into swiss cheese, "I'll 'ead over once I'm done lettin' me anger out on these sleep-interruptin' jackarses!"
'Woof, he sounds extra pissed this time.' Loincloth thought to himself then began hacking and slashing his way to the factory. Upon entering downtown, he was greeted with the sight of a NeoFed firing line, standing off against a rapidly approaching group of Nullsouled and Crossers. The General stood atop a truck, his cavalry saber in hand and holding up a blue flag with red sides and several stars in it's center that formed a cross.
"Take aim!" The General ordered and the first line kneeled down, aiming their muskets at the rushing mob with the second line aiming their's as well, "FIRE!" He shouted and with a single collective and thunderous bang, the bullets ripped through the Crossers and even sent a few Nullsouled down. The General then raised his sword high in the air. "CHAAAAAARRGE!" He shouted once more, swiftly bringing his sword down to a point at the remaining foes still rushing towards them. With the firecest warcry a pack of methed up hillbillies could muster, they rushed at the enemy like madmen, bayonets ready to puncture and rend flesh. Those didn't possess bayonets held like their muskets like one would a club.
The two forces smashed against each other with some Crossers getting impaled in the initial bayonet charge while some unlucky Neofed either missed their mark and were promptly stabbed and whacked in the head or sliced in two by a Nullsouled's claws. As they fought, The General took notice of Loincloth.
"Ah, Loincloth!" He greeted, "Good to see you're still alive. I take it those despicable occultists have secured the west side?"
"Just about." Loincloth replied, "Hopefully they can hold it long enough for me to reach the FizzJizz Factory."
"The Crossers' stronghold?"
Loincloth nodded. "It's the source of these ghosts and I need to get there fast."
"Well, you certainly won't get there fast on foot." The General then hopped down from the truck and whistled. A low ranking Neofed soon came running towards him. "Yes, sir?" The private asked. "Private, I need you to drive Loincloth to the FizzJizz factory and want him there yesterday, understood?" The General ordered assertively, handing the private the keys to the truck. "Sir, yes sir!" The private answered with a salute and quickly entered the truck, starting up the engine.
"Good luck." The General said, letting out his own hillbilly warcry before entering the fray. Not to waste time, Loincloth climbed onto the flatbed and held on to the sides as the private slammed his foot on gas and zoomed through the streets and highways. After a few narrowly avoided crashes and attempts by Nullsouled to climb onto the truck, Loincloth and the private neared the FizzJizz factory. However, as they passed over a manhole, a Nullsouled emerged, or rather crashed through the ground with such force that it sent the back of the truck up into the air, flipping the vehicle and landing upside down. Loincloth managed to jump off beforehand and landed hands-first on the ground.
He picked himself up and looked back at the manhole to see Hot Pants burst forth, letting out a ferocious roar. Using his massive arms, he hoisted himself up from the hole and looked around for more enemies to smash. He found plenty. Crossers, Nullsouled, and even some Moon Goonz that emerged from nearby storm drains and subway entrances surrounded him, Loincloth, and the private, who survived the crash, though he suffered a few cuts and bruises.
Loincloth picked up his axe and brought himself back to back with Hot Pants. "Please tell me you lizard brains are winning in the sewers."
"I'd be lying if I told ya we were wiping the floor with them." Hot Pants replied, "The shroom heads are more resilient than they let on. The purple freaks they got with them don't help either."
As one of the Nullsouled stood up on it's hindlegs, no doubt about it let out a shriek signaling it's allies to attack, it was instead assaulted with a hail of bullet fire. It's source? None other than Flat Cap, who descended from the sky in a graceful fashion as any true angel would beside Loincloth and Hot Pants.
"Seems loik ya cunts could use a 'and." He stated.
"The more the merrier." Hot Pants said with a grin. The private soon joined their back to back circle, holding a revolver and admittedly scared shitless. The mob of gangsters and human-ghost abominations then descended on the four heroes and what followed next was an epic display of violence. Flat Cap and Loincloth focused their attention on the Nullsouled, hacking and blasting the horrors to bits as Hot Pants brutalized any Crosser and Moon Goon that came near him and though he dodged more attacks than he fired bullets, the private managed to score a few kills with his revolver. The Crossers and Moon Goonz soon began retreating, realizing this was a fight they couldn't win. The Nullsouled, however, had no such concept of self-preservation and fought to the last ghost.
"Oh, how I wish everyday was like this." Hot Pants said as he wiped the blood off his hands, "Been too long since I've partaken in a real war."
"Yeah well, I'd rather live me afterlife in peace and quiet." Flat Cap commented, "Especially quiet. Reeeeeal quiet. Ya know? So, I can get me beauty sleep."
"Just a few more skulls to crack and you'll get all the sleep you could want." Loincloth said, hoisting his axe over his shoulder, "Now come on. Factory's just ahead."
"You two go on ahead." Hot Pants said, "I haven't gotten my fill of squishing shroom heads." He then hopped back down the large hole in the ground.
"A-And I need to report back to the General." The private added, "Good luck y'all." He then hightailed it out of the area.
With that, the two angels approached the factory, where inside a purple light glowed brightly. Normally, they wouldn't take this whole situation seriously and even remark on the various villainous cliches they encountered, but not this time. Whoever was causing this picked the wrong place and the wrong time to do so and as a result, they were pissed and planned to beat the perpetrator to a pulp and chuck his broken body into a wood chipper. Being the one most annoyed by all this, Flat Cap kicked open the entrance doors and upon entering, they of course found more Nullsouled and proceeded to carve a path through them like one would through jungle vines. They eventually reached the machine room and to their surprise, it was completely empty. The angels were getting a sense of deja vu when they began to hear someone clapping.
"Well done, angels. Well done, indeed." It was Jackboot, who emerged from the shadows, "You've defeated all the Nullsouled I could throw at you and made it to me. You must feel quite accomplished."
"Damn right we do and we're gonna fuckin'-" Flat Cap started before he and Loincloth were unexpectedly sent flying by a surprise attack from the octopi ghosts towards the machine with one of them opening the door into the Nullifcation chamber, allowing the angels to land inside then quickly shut it.
"Ow…" Flat Cap groaned as he picked himself up.
"HEY! GET YOUR ASS OFF ME, YOU FUCKING GORILLA!" A voice shouted. It was Ruka, who was currently being crushed by Loincloth's sheer weight as he sat on him.
"Ruka? The fuck you doin' here?" Flat Cap asked.
"Isn't it obvious?" Loincloth asked in response, "He's clearly working with that zebra-headed jackass."
"If that were the case, he wouldn't be locked up in here with you." Another voice said, the angels turned their gaze and saw Vest, Choker, and Thong sitting on the opposite end of the chamber, "And neither would we."
"Vest? What the fuck's goin' on, lad?"
"We screwed up, that's what." Vest answered, "We helped Studs build this thing and we're all-"
"FUCKING WHYYYYY?!" The angels shouted in a mix of confusion and frustration.
"We made a deal with the guy." Choker said, raising a hand, "We help him build this Nullsoul machine so he can cure his friend and in turn he works with us in corrupting the-'' She was then interrupted by both Vest and Thong who deliver swift punches to her shoulder and stomach respectively. The angry expressions on the angels' face were replaced with a deadpan look. One that captured the essence of the phrase 'Are you fucking serious'?
"Loincloth, please get us out of here before I end up strangling them." Flat Cap requested, to which Loincloth nodded and stood up, allowing Ruka to breath properly. He walked to the door and wound up a punch.
"Hey, I wouldn't do that if I were-" Ruka tried to warn before Loincloth threw his fist at the door, the resulting clang echoed throughout the chamber. Unfortunately, it doesn't produce the desired effect Loincloth was hoping. Instead, he felt a sharp pain spread throughout his knuckles as they turned red.
"Son of a bitch…" He mumbled with gritted teeth, rubbing his reddened knuckles with his other hand.
"I tried to warn you. This whole thing is made out of Hellinite." Ruka said, leaning back against the wall of the chamber.
"The fuck is Hellinite?" Flat Cap asked.
"It's a new metal alloy they've developed in Hell." Choker answered, "Stuff's so tough, nothing short of a small country's worth of missiles can even lay a dent in it. I thought it was just more phony crud pushed by 'certified experts'. Guess I was wrong."
"Surely our weapons can pierce through it. Ya know, bein' literally made of holy cloud stuff and shite."
"If that were the case, why lock you dumbasses in here where you can tear it apart from the inside out?" Ruka asked.
"A most excellent question, Mr. Cykabylatsky." Jackboot interjected, looking through the small window in the door, "The answer is quite simple: To turn all of you into Nullsouled. We hadn't had the time to properly test the procedure on immortals, but I think now would be an excellent time to do so. I look forward to the results, especially all the screaming." With a twisted smile, he grabbed the activation lever, but just as he was about to pull it, there was a bang and Jackboot felt something pierce and burn his flesh. He shouted in pain and let go of the lever, clenching the hole in his side tightly. He turned and saw a figure standing before him, holding a smoking gun.
"YOU PIECE OF TRASH!" Jackboot screamed, "WHO ARE YOU TO RUIN MY PERFECT BODY?!"
"A man who's sick and tired of all this supernatural bullshit." The figure answered and stepped forward, his gun still aimed at Jackboot. His appearance soon came into view. His dark maroon skin, eyes like fire, his beard black as night, and on his head was a black bandana with a red cross at it's center. This figure was none other than Bandana, who had been radically transformed by the demonic essence in his soul.
"Ruka. Isn't that the human you tried making into a ghost?" Loincloth asked. Ruka got up and walked to the window to take a peek.
"Hey, yeah! That's Bandana!" Ruka answered, "And he looks more pissed than I am."
"After what you did to him, can't say I blame him." Vest commented.
"SILENCE!" Jackboot shouted and turned his attention back to Bandana, "So, you're Studs' childhood friend? The one he betrayed? Yes. You heard me right. Betrayed. He was the traitor and used you to kill Chain for him. How does that make you feel, hmm? To know that all those years of friendship and trust meant nothing to him? That he chose his own personal gain over you?"
Bandana said nothing and simply kept walking towards Jackboot. When he reached halfway through the distance between him and the demon, the octopi ghosts made their move, lunging themselves at Bandana. But in a single, fluid motion, he pulled out a second pistol and fired a single blessed bullet into each of the ghosts, making them explode into goop mid air. Jackboot was surprised by this, to say the least and started to get nervous. He had sent most of the Nullsoul to aid the Crosser and Moon Goonz, keeping only a small reserve in the factory, which Flat Cap and Loincloth had decimated, along with his now dead cephalopod bodyguards. But he quickly reaffirmed himself. This mortal possessed some aspect of demonic physicality thanks to the essence in his soul, but only a small portion. A full-fledged demon like himself should have no problem putting this mortal in his place.
Jackboot took a small step to his right, Bandana quickly aiming a pistol at his foot and firing a round, but it was a ruse. As soon as Bandana pulled the trigger, Jackboot dashed to the left, entering the shadows. Bandana then unloaded his pistols in that general direction and he did not stop until the clips were completely emptied. He quickly reloaded his pistols as a sinister chuckle echoed throughout the room.
"You still haven't answered my question, Bandana." Jackboot said as Bandana looked around the area for any sign of the demon's location, pistols at the ready, "Tell me, do you feel any cracks in your heart? Perhaps a sudden sunken feeling? Or are you just as uncaring for him as he was fo-"
"Just shut yo damn mouth and face me like a man!" Bandana shouted.
Jackboot chuckled. "Very well, if you insist!" As he said this, Jackboot lunged from the shadows behind Bandana, like a viper at it's prey, delivering a hard punch to Bandana's jaw. He followed it up by grabbing Bandana's arm and flung him upwards, hitting the roof. Bandana then fell but managed to grab hold of a catwalk, halting his descent.
"Awww, don't want to come back down~?" Jackboot cooed, sprouting his ethereal wings and floating up to Bandana's position, "Maybe you wish to go higher? Is that it?" He then grabbed Bandana by the throat and skyrocketed through the roof, going higher and higher as Bandana held the arm clenching his throat for dear life. When Jackboot finally stopped, they had reached an altitude where the air was quite thin, making it difficult for Bandana to breath.
"Is this high enough for you?!" Jackboot exclaimed with a laugh, "Oh how weak you humans are! So dependent on measly things like oxygen! Why God even bothered creating you is beyond me! Any last words before I end your miserable existence?"
"Y-Yeah…" Bandana answered between gasps for air, "Get...fucked!" He quickly took off his namesake, which transformed into a sawed-off shotgun, aimed it at Jackboot's head and pulled the trigger. The force of the shot sent Jackboot's now faceless body flying backwards before following Bandana in his rapid descent. He then watched as Jackboot's body slowly disintegrated into embers that scattered themselves across the wind. With that taken care of, Bandana looked down to see the whole landmass below him, which got closer and closer as he fell. It seemed to be the end of the line for him.
There was no way he could survive a fall like this. So he accepted his fate and closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable splat. In that brief moment, he realized something. He was technically half-demon. Well, one fifth really, but he could create weapons from his clothing. If he could do that, then maybe he could sprout wings like Jackboot did. But how exactly did demons do that? He wasn't really sure how he even transformed his namesake into a gun. There wasn't any thought to it. He just...did it. He had to try at least.
He closed his eyes again and focused on his back muscles. "Come on...wings!" He shouted. The ground got closer. "Wings!" He shouted again. Putang's burning buildings soon came into view. "Wings!" He started to smell the smoke. "WINGS!" Two ethereal shapes slowly began to form on Bandana's back, but before they could manifest fully, he fell through the hole in the roof of the factory and as he hit the floor, everything went black.
Bandana eventually regained consciousness, slowly opening his eyes. But rather than gazing upon a golden gate surrounded by clouds, or more appropriately, a realm of fire, he saw a simple white wall. He looked down and saw that he was laying in a bed.
"W...Where am I?" He asked.
"The hospital, Brother Bandana." A voice answered. Bandana slowly turned his head and saw a familiar man sitting next to him, reading a bible.
"He...Helmet?"
"Yes." The knight said with a nod, closing his bible, "I'm pleased to see you've finally awoken."
"I...survived?"
"Indeed. Dare I say, Twas the greatest miracle since the resurrection of Lazarus."
Bandana then slowly sat up and remembered the demonic essence in his soul. He looked at his hands and they were...normal! Back to their original color! He began feeling his face when Helmet handed him a mirror. He quickly took it, examined his face and sure enough, it too was normal again. His eyes, his teeth, everything. He was human again. No wonder he was so calm when he woke up.
"B-B-But how?" Bandana stammered.
"After I had pacificed the city and slayed all those foul purple ghosts," Helmet began, "I entered the FizzJizz factory to discover the horrid machine used to create them along with your body. It was...a little mushed, but it was slowly regenerating so I knew you'd survive. After freeing my charges and your compatriots, I attempted to destroy the machine but they convinced me to wait until they used it to cure you. I did not believe them at first, but once your body restored itself, we tossed you in, adjusted the settings, and to my surprise it worked!"
"Seriously?" Bandana asked in disbelief and Helmet simply nodded once more. Bandana took a brief look around the room. "Where are they?"
"Who?" Helmet asked, tilting his head.
"The angels and the other demons."
"My charges are currently being punished. Ser Flat Cap for partaking in the conflicts between the Five Houses in exchange for narcotics and Ser Loincloth for manipulating you into continuing your association with a demon so that he may earn himself some easy Heaven coins. As for the 'other demons', I know not what you mean. Unless, there was something more to your compatriots that I should know?"
Bandana hesitated to answer, realizing that this was Helmet. Stick-swinging maniac and bane of all ghosts and demons. It was certain that Ruka and the others disguised themselves as humans to avoid getting mutilated. "Uhh, no. I must be thinking of something else." He finally said.
"I see. Now then, I hate having to burden you with matters related to the houses so quickly but it must be resolved with all haste." Helmet leaned forward in his chair, "The Lead Crossers need a new leader. Currently all of their territory is occupied by the Gator Legion, Odd Men, and several independents fending off the former two. Not only that, but now that the Moon Goonz have revealed their true colors, the Gator Legion now have full justification to oust them from the city's underground. I fear that should the Gator Legion keep all their gains, the balance of power within the city will be completely in their favor and another war will eventually break out with the entire east side of the city being in chaos in the meantime."
"Can't ya just use your divine powers or whatever it is people say you have to keep them in line?" Bandana asked.
Helmet shook his head. "Despite them being sinners, my God-given mission is to prevent the servants of Hell from taking over the city and watch over my charges. The Legion as it stands has and currently is not doing anything that would lead to such a thing, but it would make it much easier for the demons to wrest control of the city if only one house controls it's streets."
"So you want them all in a stalemate. A couple conflicts, maybe even a short war between them every now and then to settle all the bad blood. Some gains and losses in turf, but ultimately no real change in the balance of power."
"Exactly, which is why I need you." Helmet then reached into his pockets and pulled out a bandana and handed it to the bed bound ex-gangster. It was much like his old one, only this one was more detailed with extra crosses and laurels, "Chain is gone, Studs is gone, and any other worthy candidate was either killed during the many conflicts in the city or destroyed themselves in their own sin. You, Brother Bandana, are the sole surviving senior member of the Crossers. You survived the War of the Penis and all other battles that followed. You are the only one the Crossers will follow willingly."
Bandana stared at the cloth as Helmet spoke, letting out a sigh when he finished. "Helmet, I...I can't. I abandoned that life for a reason and you know it. Besides, a lot of the Crossers consider me a coward for leavin', so I doubt they'll follow me."
"Perhaps, but there are still those who would. Those who placed God before anything else. Plus, no one said the Crossers have to be what they are. You could reform them." Helmet placed a hand on Bandana's shoulder, "Bring the house truly into God's light. Sure, it will not be easy but as the Bible teaches us: Nothing good or worth doing is ever easy."
Bandana continued looking at the cloth, considering his options and their consequences. He had two. He could either refuse and risk the city falling into more chaos, which he didn't care about at first since he had planned on leaving for good after he avenged Studs, or he could assume the mantle as leader of the Lead Crossers and help fix the damage that's been done. Looking back at all that's happened with The War of The Penis, Chain's usurpation, his breakup with Hoops, his deal with Ruka, and dying nearly twice within the same year, he began to wonder if this was his true path to redemption. Assume the mantle, help rebuild the city, right all the wrongs committed by Chain and Studs, and regain favor in the eyes of God and, hopefully, Hoops as well. That had to be it. What else could this be? Bandana then placed his new namesake on his head and tied the ends together.
Meanwhile, down in the pits of Hell, a certain pink-haired demoness was laying her head on her desk. Her four employees: Ruka, Vest, Choker, and Thong were all present and a bit scared. She had been like this since they entered her office and she hasn't said a single word. They weren't sure if she was dead or just so mind-numbingly angry that she couldn't think of any other way to express her rage. Suddenly, she lifted her head, startling the unlucky hellspawn, revealing the throbbing veins throughout her head, though her expression was almost lifeless. Like any emotion or feeling she had was completely drained out.
"I just don't get it." She said, her voice equally as emotionless as her face, "Why come...every time...that I conduct things in the most rational and logical fashion...it always bites me in the ass?"
Ruka wanted to say something, undoubtedly a rude remark as was his tendency as a Wrathion, but seeing Trenchcoat's empty gaze was the most unsettling thing he had seen in decades and the fear of what Trenchcoat may do if he followed through on his comment drowned out his urges, though he would not admit it. Vest was trying to maintain his composure and not break down in tears, begging Trenchcoat to forgive him for fucking up this hard. He was supposed to be the smart one. He should've known that Jackboot would be watching them. How could he forget such an important and simple thing?
Choker would normally comment on the silver lining to a bad situation and there certainly was, but while she was Trenchcoat's best friend, she dared not draw her ire. She had a feeling that no silver lining nor years of friendship would lessen her rage or spare her from punishment. And Thong...Thong was just straight up hiding behind her chair the moment Trenchcoat began talking.
"I follow Hell's rules and protocols to the letter and this is what it gives me. Failure and illusions of victory. We had one of the five most powerful gangs in our pocket, then it was snatched away from us." She lightly tapped her desk with a fist, but this was enough to make the four jump. "On top of that, the new leader of the Crossers is one of the most devout people in the city and thanks to Ruka, now carries a disdain towards demons even greater than Chain did. One step forward, twenty steps back. You should all be very, very thankful that Jackboot is dead, because if he lived, he and Beret would've pinned the Nullsoul procedure on us." She sighed and laid her head back down. "I'm too…upset to bother punishing any of you. Just...leave." With that, the four slowly, one by one, without a word, got up from their chairs and exited the office. From there, they made their way to the cafeteria floor via elevator. Still not a word between any of them.
They entered the cafeteria, which was packed full of demons as it was lunch time, and sat their usual table in the corner. The silence between them stood as the people around them chatted and ate.
"How…" Ruka said, finally breaking the silence, "the fuck...did we survive that?"
"You mean the Nullsoul shit or the meeting?" Thong asked.
"Both."
"...We need a vacation." Choker commented as Vest's face slammed onto the table.