Hola, kids. Happy Memorial Day weekend - hope you all eat some BBQ, get out in the sunshine and, most of all, remember those folks who lay their lives on the line for our protection everyday.
I don't have a musical selection for this chapter (because it took me so freakin' long to write it) but I do have a song to recommend if you want to bawl your eyes out: Lisa Brescia performing "I'll Be Here" written by Adam Gwon. It's on Adam's YouTube channel and I haven't been moved by a piece of music as I was by this song in an eternity. Give it a listen and grab some Kleenex.
DAY FOUR - UTAH/COLORADO
When traveling it's good to have the feeling you are all alone on the road without a care in the world, able to top anywhere and nowhere, eat when you want…removal from reality is kind of one of the rewards for stiff backs and boredom.
So the sudden appearance of whatever you call them – bubble gum machines, flashers, holy rollers – yanks you out of your dream and into an embarrassing dose of reality. Flashing red and blue lights are never a welcome sight on a road trip.
They got pulled over. For speeding. In the middle of a deserted highway. In Utah.
Emily's head is spinning with scenarios from the ID Channel, Showtime and Playboy because there was no denying their current situation was the starting point for most of their programming and readership. Thankfully none of those situations were as mundane as the one they're in now, with a state trooper on his radio with Paige's license and vehicle information in hand. Still, it is quite the buzz kill.
Paige grinds her teeth in frustration. "Perfect driving record, all shot to hell."
"Dude, really?" Emily leans up and tries to catch Paige's eyes which purposefully are locked on her rear view mirror. "We're driving what amounts to Chitty Chitty Bang Bang with air conditioning and you were speeding? What were you thinking?"
I was thinking I wanna get the hell out of Utah. This state is bad for her equilibrium. Ever since they crossed the state line two days ago Paige's attention has been locked on Emily like a heat-seeking missile. One part of her is angry for her complete and utter failure in guarding her emotions. All that work for all that time went on a freight train to hell after being with Emily for a couple days. Is she really that weak? Yes, yes she is. McCullers, you are pathetic.
But the other part of her, the one that didn't make Paige feel like a loser, is overjoyed. Once upon a time she was so sure Emily was the one for her – but she let her insecurities grab on and they overrode the little optimism she had. Now they were back together, at least in proximity. Emily gave her signals that maybe things could work out between them…which is at once terrifying yet exhilarating. Okay, maybe you're not so much pathetic as you are whipped.
The look of disgust and annoyance currently on Emily's face signaled that maybe this wasn't a good time for a heart to heart, though.
"Cut me some slack, Fields. It's Utah – do they even have speed limits?"
"Obviously they do because the guy in his squad car behind us isn't a figment of my imagination!" Emily crosses her arms on her chest in a huff. "And you don't have a perfect driving record."
"Yeah, uh, I do."
"No you don't. Remember the string cheese incident?"
"Isn't that a band?"
"No! I mean, it might be, but I am referring to the fender bender at the supermarket in San Jose?"
Of course she remembered. It was late and after studying for most of the evening they missed dining hours at the cafeteria. Emily was craving string cheese so, Paige being Paige, sought to find somewhere around campus that sold that and whatever else Emily decided she wanted. The pair borrowed a friend's car and found the nearest Safeway store and went inside. Once Emily had her string cheese (and Yoohoo and gummy worms) they left the store – as Paige pulled out of their parking space she backed into another car in the lot.
Emily's reaction to the fender bender was pretty similar to now, Paige muses. Pissed and irritated.
"I fought the ticket and won."
"You didn't."
"Yeah, I did."
"Paige, you hit an 80-year-old lady!"
"It was dark outside and she wasn't supposed to be driving at night."
Emily sits in disbelief, just staring at Paige's profile. They hear a door slam and the trooper approaches Paige's open window handing her the paperwork and license he requested earlier. "Okay ladies, beings you're just passing through I'm gonna let you off with a warning today. Keep your eyes open for the speed limit signs, though I can tell you 75 on a county road isn't one you'll find. Good day and drive carefully." He tips his hat and meanders back to his squad car.
Paige starts the truck and throws it into gear. When she reaches 55 she sets the cruise control.
"Paige, she was 80."
"I know. But it wasn't my fault. And it turned out okay."
"Why?"
"I went to her house and I weeded her flowers for her. Then we had lemonade."
Emily shakes her head then just has to laugh at the sheer lunacy of the situation. Only her Paige.
Needing a break Paige asks Emily if she's up for stopping in Grand Junction, Colorado for a late lunch. Her growling stomach and stiffening back answer for her so they pull off I-70 to find a good sit-down restaurant for lunch.
They park downtown and pull out their iPhones, ready to do battle. They both had the Urbanspoon app and discovered in Reno they could never agree on a place to eat. Their solution? An Urbanspoon war, narrowing down their choices by menu and price and letting fate choose their destination.
"Italian?" Paige asks hopefully.
"Ugh. Nothing worse than sitting around in a carb coma. What about Chinese?"
"Nah. We'll have to stop…"
"…in an hour. That's a new one." Emily squints at her phone. "I am so sick of burgers. I think I have red meat coming out of my pores."
Paige thinks for a moment. "We are close to microbrew country. We could always try a brew pub."
"More burgers?"
"They offer other things, you know. Chicken. Salads." She doesn't really care about the menu at this point, though – Paige just wants a beer. Badly. Of course she doesn't want to get drunk, they do have a few more hours of driving ahead of them but she just wants to relax. She practically topped Emily this morning at the hotel and hasn't quite figured out what to do with it. Her emotions were all over the place and she'd like to relax for just a bit and try to decide where to go from here. Her heart was kicking her head's ass so she wanted, just for a half hour, to decompress.
Emily can see Paige's wheels turning so she relents on the pub idea. "Sure, let's do it."
Paige guides the truck to a restaurant called the Kannah Creek Brewing Company. They enter the restaurant and Paige instantly relaxes. "Oh look at all the taps," she says. Emily turns to her and grabs the truck keys from her loose grip. Paige gulps at the short contact. "Ah, no problem. But I'm driving then."
Paige takes the keys back and scoffs at Emily's concern. "Don't worry – one beer. With food. And plenty of time to detox after lunch with dessert and a walk."
"Quite the plan you have there." Paige smiles in response, turning to the hostess and indicating they are a party of two.
Party of two. Paige liked the sound of that – party of two. Since she transferred she got used to doing things on her own like going out to eat or seeing a movie. Paige didn't realize how lonely she was until someone infringed – in a good way – on her personal space. She got along fine by herself all this time not seeing how bad a habit it became. Loneliness causes one to withdraw into him or herself. But now? Making plans and compromising with someone was actually kind of nice.
"Holy crap, I love bleu cheese!"
Paige is so into her head she doesn't realize they've been seated and have menus at the ready. She looks up and sees Emily across from her studying the menu and biting on her thumbnail as her face breaks into a huge smile. "Bleu cheese and me – we are friends."
Paige laughs loudly at this odd declaration. Bleu cheese. She looks down at her own menu trying to decide what she'd like but is so transfixed by Emily she just says "I'll have that too" when the waitress take's Emily's order. She hands the waitress her menu and takes in everything around her…the smells, the music on the P.A., the clanking of silverware and the low buzz of conversation are poor distractions from the sight in front of her.
Paige sighs, her chin sinking into crossed arms on the table. Just having Emily there to talk to and knowing Emily understood that need to connect leaves Paige at an emotional crossroads. Emily at 14, 17, 103. The passage of time never seems to matter because Emily is her touchstone. She is the center of her universe. All her plans and hopes had Emily in them – either front and center or on the fringes photobombing Paige's thoughts with her beautiful smile. Everything she's done the past five years was for Emily or because of Emily. She still wanted to be good enough for her – it's a routine she realizes she hasn't quite broken.
"Hey, are you all right?" Emily says. "I'm sorry I blew up at you when we got pulled over."
"Naw, that's okay. It would be nice to make it to Pennsylvania in one piece so it was a good reminder." She gives Emily a small smile only to frown when their waitress brings their lunch of two Caesar salads and iced tea. Paige glances at Emily who can only shrug as if to say, "Shoulda paid more attention."
The girls walk slowly down the street outside the restaurant after eating giving their legs one last stretch before getting back on the road. Emily seems content to soak up the sun and breathe in the mountain air. Things just seem cleaner here and she finds it a welcome change from the congestion of San Jose and the oppressive structure of her college years. Paige on the other hand cannot shut down the swirling thoughts in her head. It's obvious to Emily something is going on but she doesn't really know if she has the right to ask anymore.
Oh, what the hell.
"You've been acting weird since this morning. Did I do something wrong?" Emily ventures.
Paige stops walking and sizes Emily up. "I don't know. I'm just really confused, Em. I mean, what's this thing that's happening here? Are we just friends? Or is it more than that? Because I don't know if my heart can take getting over your again. You've always been it for me but we've been apart and I don't know if you are the same person or if I'm the same person we were. Maybe we should just be friends. You know, see what happens. But then again I know that whether I wait or not I'm still going to feel the same way about you." Paige childishly stomps her foot in frustration. "Ugh! This is exhausting."
Emily takes a moment to get her head around all she said but Paige, flushed from emotion, just wants to sink through the cracks in the sidewalk and die. She never should have put herself out there like that. Once upon a time it would have been okay – but not anymore, obviously. "Oh never mind. I shouldn't have said anything."
Emily grabs her arm and pulls her to a stop. "Wait," she says, "Gimme a minute to process here." After a moment she raises her hand to Paige's cheek and her cool fingers and calming presence bring Paige down immediately, her eyes closing as she feels her pulse drop from the stress but bump up again at the realization that Emily's touch still affects her.
"Listen to me," Emily says. "And look at me." Reluctantly Paige opens her eyes seeing Emily's face reflect warmth – understanding – and a little surprise. "I wish I could tell you how I feel but I am just as confused as you are. When you left me I didn't think I would ever get by – but I did. That doesn't mean I didn't miss you or want you back; I just saw that I could still be okay if things didn't work out like I wanted them to. But now? God I don't know – maybe I was wrong about that because I feel like I've been sleepwalking through my life and everything I was sure about is now messed up. Maybe things aren't okay after all, I just don't know."
Emily lowers her hand and grasps Paige's, weaving their fingers together. "Can we just say we don't know, at least for now? Leave the door open? Because the only thing that's worse than trying to deal with my own stuff is seeing how torn up you are and I don't want that."
Paige feels a burden leave her shoulders - not the entire weight, but at least a small part of it. "Angst sucks, Emily."
"I know – but sometimes it's worth it to get to a happy ending, right?"