A/N: Thank you for the reviews and hope you enjoy the chapter.
When I got the Raven I felt my heart stop. Sansa was missing, possibly kidnapped. They have yet to find any sign of her or her capturer. How could this have happened? How could Catelyn have let this happen? Suddenly my fear turned to anger. I trusted her. I wanted to rage throw things but I took ahold of my emotions before they could be witnessed by anyone.
I felt a sudden throbbing in my head which caused me to bend forwards in pain. It subsided after a while of steady breaths. "My Lord should I get you a tonic for the headaches?" I hear the maester ask from the side where he waits to know what news the letter holds.
"No, it's fine. They don't work anyways." I lean back on the chair, my eyes closed. "Get my horse ready and gather the best trackers here and tell them to get ready to leave. I'm headed to Moat Cailin. Send a letter to Greywater Watch and ask Howland to send men out to search for Sansa, add a description of her. I also want you to send a letter to Castle Cerwyn telling them to have fresh horses ready so I may continue the journey to the Moat quickly." I stand up at that heading out the solar.
"My Lord, who will manage while you're away. Would it not be best to send the trackers by themselves?" the old maester questions before I could reach the door.
"Robb will be the acting lord while I am away." I pause to think. "Send word to Moat Cailin to have Catelyn make her way to Winterfell so she can be here with Robb while I search. I need to be part of the search if not the men may either not recognize her or they do not do as thorough a search as I expect them to." I tell Luwin before opening the door. Luwin follows close behind to do the task I've set out for him.
"Jorgan, please go and tell Clare to pack me a light bag of essentials." I tell one of the guards stationed outside the solar. With a nod from him I head to the training yard where I know the boys are at.
"Robb. Jon. Over here." I call the boys when I see them. They are both five now, Robb being the taller one by a few. The boys run towards me in excited voices.
"Father! Father! You should have seen Master Rodrik and Jory they were..."
"Amazing! Jory almost had him beat but Rodrick then faked left and Bam! Jory was on the floor moaning." Robb excitedly finished. Jon pouted and crossed his arms.
"No fair I wanted to tell him."
"You were taking too long."
"No I was.."
"Boys, let's not fight, I have news." I interrupt them before they could go off. At this they rise to attention. Blue and gray lilac eyes focused on me the excitement no longer there, instead there was worry at my tone.
"Did something happen, father?" Robb is the first to speak.
"Sadly yes. Come I'll explain everything at the heart tree." I pat his shoulder and make my way to the Godswood choosing the location purely so I can pray before I leave.
It wasn't easy to explain to them the situation I wish I didn't have to but Robb will be the Stark in Winterfell while I am gone and despite his young age I needed him to act the Lord just for a little while and he needed to understand the reason why I have to go. Maester Luwin and Rodrik will of course take care of most everything but Robb would be the face until Catelyn returns. While Robb was upset and nervous about the whole situation Jon was quiet his fist clenched. I take his hand and put my arm around Robb.
"Do you understand how I expect you to act while I am gone?"
"Yes father" both said.
"Good now run along I wish to pray before I leave."
"Can we join you?"
"Of course"
We all bow our heads and for a minute all is quiet. I grit my teeth when I feel a blinding pain in the back of my head.
"Father are you alright?" I hear Jon ask.
"Yes." I take in some air trying to push past the pain. "Yes. I am fine. Just a headache."
"You've been getting a lot of those lately. Are you sure you should be leaving?" Jon asks. I look at him and Robb both are staring at me with doubt. I sign and kiss both their heads.
"I'll be fine. Let us go."
It took me 8 days to reach Moat Cailin, a trip that on average takes 11. I felt some relief when I saw the towers of Moat Cailin. The first person I saw was Catelyn. She was waiting for me right at the gate. I have gotten over my misplaced anger at Catelyn on the trip after some thought. It isn't really her fault. Catelyn loves her children she would never have allowed them to get hurt or taken had it been in her control. I stop right in front of her and quickly get off. A second later I felt her arms around me. Her tears had quickly soaked my clothing and could hear her mumbling against my chest. "Catelyn. Shh. Shh. It's alright." I hug her against me soothing her. I trail my hand to her face and gently tilt it so I can see her face. I push all the strands that are in the way back. I take a good look at her. She was a mess seeming to have aged a decade. "We will find her."
"But what if she's already dead?" She despairs and fresh tears fall from her eyes.
"She's not dead." I say firmly. I know she isn't. I could feel it deep inside me. Sansa is alive. I just need to find her.
"It's been 12 days Ned. There's been no ransom note. I...I don't," her voice cracks at the end, her hands running through her hair as if lost.
"Shh. Shh. It's okay. We will find her." I hold for a bit longer trying to comfort her. "Now why are you still here? Did you not get the letter from maester Luwin?"
"No I did. I just couldn't leave. What if I left and then she was found and I wasn't here."
"Catelyn, there's a reason I asked you to return. I didn't want Robb to be alone for more than a few days. I need you to get ready to leave. It is still early you will make a good distance if you leave now."
"But…"
"I want you to be ready to leave. Do not fight me on this. Go home Catelyn. Robb needs you." I turn at this and head into the walls of the Moat not waiting for a reply. I head over to Camren Cassel who was in charge of Catelyn's routine to the Riverlands. "Camren."
"My lord." he bows his head. "I must ask forgiveness for allowing this to happen." shaking my head I stop him.
"No. There is no need. Camren I need you to get the routine ready divided in two. In the first only take the bare needs. I want Catelyn at Winterfell as soon as possible. She should have been on the road by now." I tell him trying to quickly get everyone moving. "I want you and Catelyn to be leaving before the sun begins to lower today."
"Yes, my lord. I will see it done." I nod in thanks and leave him to it. I need to go talk to the Castellan of Moat Cailin.
It has been 5 days since I arrived at the Moat and everyday I would send experienced riders out to search the marshes hoping by some miracle I would find her despite the unlikeliness of it. Had she been taken the person who took her more than likely took the Kingsroad. Which is what Catelyn and Camren had first assumed so had sent riders further south searching the roads and inns along the way.
Getting off my horse I sigh. I had gone out hoping to clear my head from the rising feeling of hopelessness the longer I went without any word of Sansa. "Lord Stark." I heard a voice I hadn't heard for over 5 years. I turn to Howland Reed.
"Howland, my friend." After greeting him I quickly began questioning him on his arrival. "Howland, I had not expected you to come personally? When did you arrive?" I ask as I walk deeper into Moat Cailin heading for the main keep.
"I arrived just this morning and I wasn't but my son said I must. I have to say I am glad." He had a frown on his face as if debating with himself. Worry pools in my belly. What could have brought him here.
"Come let us head inside, you can tell me of your search as we go."
"I started my search around Greywater Watch before slowly making my way north through the marshes. At the suggestion of my son. It was on the fourth day that I found a trace that could have been your daughter." At this he paused frown deepening. "But Ned there was only a trace of one being having gone through there."
I frown in thought. "What are you not telling me?"
"We found the tracks deep in the marshes."
My heart froze at the revelation. Although I had sent people into the marshes I honestly did not think anyone who is not a native to the marshes would be foolish enough to go into them. All travelers know that the neck is riddled with lizard-lions. Due to this, most keep to the Kingsroad, which is the safest route only fools venture off the roads in the area. Then I remembered the first part of what Howland said. Fools and impulsive three year old girls that don't want to go where they are told. When I find her I'll… Once more a pain shoots through the back of my eyes. These damn headaches.
"Ned?" Howland's voice is laced with concern.
"I'm fine. Did you notice anything else?" I wave off. There is doubt in his eyes but continues.
"It was after that that it began to snow. We lost the trail but continued North." Howland once more pauses and closes the door as we enter the room I have taken up as my temporary solar.
"What?"
"We went all the way to Saltspear and trailed along the river. I found clothing on the bank." At that he pulls out a brown gown from the satchel he carried. Giving it to me I inspect the material. At a closer look I notice that under all the dried mud peaks of blue are seen. I see a small stitch of trout's in the hem.
"These are Sansas." I confirm.
"Ned, before we found the clothes. While we were traveling east along the river the direction of the current changed." Howland finally revealed what had been disturbing him. I frown at him in disbelief but I have no choice but to believe him. Howland would never lie to me.
"What does this mean?" I ask him knowing he had something in mind.
"I think the gods are involved?" I stare at him in shock but not suprise. Why would the Gods be involved with my daughter?
"Are you sure?"
"I am sure and add to the fact that your daughter survived wandering through the marshes without getting eaten by lizard-lions. The shift of the water is the confirming factor that the gods are involved." Howland said.
"I just don't understand. Why my daughter?"
"Have you noticed anything strange about your daughter? Anything out of the ordinary?" He asks.
"Other than the fact that she disliked her mother from birth understands the atmosphere in certain situations and can already speak clearly without any stutter or a mixing of words? Oh what about a foreign accent that I can not possibly place anywhere from here in Westeros or Essos. No, there is nothing out of the ordinary about my daughter. She's a perfectly normal three year old who runs away from her mother." I say sarcastically already frustrated with Howland's constant pausing and mysteries air. "Howland, speak and say what you have on your mind. Stop pausing and leaving me coming to conclusions of my own. You have heard the rumors about my daughter I am sure. So speak."
"I think your daughter may have been sent here by the god's as a champion of sorts." I stare at Howland in disbelief.
"I'll believe that when my daughter stops being a lazy, selfish, and idiotic."
"You said it yourself. That she is strange and rumor has it she is very intelligent and quite good at understanding what others say to her."
"Yes but that doesn't stop her from acting like a child and very much doubt that the god's would place any sort of responsibility upon her."
"But you must believe the gods are involved somehow?"
"Oh, I believe but not for the reason you have in mind."
"What reason do you think it is for?"
"I don't know but I know it is not because my daughter is meant to be some sort of hero." with that I get up and head outside leaving Howland and his infuriating need to be dramatically mysterious behind.
I had a lot of time to think over the course of the trip between Moat Cailin and Winterfell. The trip was much faster this time since I didn't stay more than one night at Castle Cerwyn and due to the fact the small wheelhouse was left behind with the second group we had little delays. Seeing Winterfell again after a moon was a bit of relief. Seeing Robb waiting in the court yard to greet me brought me back a little bit of joy I had lost when I woke up to Sansa not being asleep next to me in the tent.
Sansa. My little flame. My beautiful daughter who I loved from the moment I heard her healthy cry. My daughter who hates me. Who rejects me. Who gives everyone but me a smile as bright as the sunniest day.
Sometimes I think the gods were punishing me. Giving me a daughter to love but making her hate me with a passion. Not that she is always opposed to my presence. When she sleeps she is very accepting of my touch. Snuggling into my arms her warmth would emit from her tiny little body to me. Making me feel as if everything was peaceful and alright in the world. Sansa always emitted a warmth like a bright sun on a cold day. Even when angry the warmth she emitted never ceased in fact burning ever brighter. During the night when she was asleep I would go into her rooms and run my hand through her silky red hair.
"Mom?"
"Shh. Go to sleep?"
"Love you, goodnight."
Ever since that first night I had done that. I would go every night hoping for the little glimpse of a loving daughter. Not every time was the same. Some nights she wouldn't wake up at all and others she would just say "okay" but still I went every night.
Getting off my horse I turned to Robb who had lost all restraint and allowed himself to run towards me at full speed. I picked him up not caring that he was five already and held him to me desperately.
"I missed you. Please don't leave again." He says clutching at my neck.
"I'm here. Don't worry." I felt him sag and lose all tension. As if a great burden has been taken off him. "Let's go inside. I fear the weather will be frightful."
Letting him down I look up in the sky which has grown cloudier and cloudier over the course of the morning.
"I agree, milady. Much has happened since the Lord has left." Maester Luwin said seriously Rodrick Cassel was right behind him emitting an aura of direness. "Many raven's have arrived."
I frown in thought. It was clear none of the raven's were about Sansa or they would have said so by now. Instead of coming to assumptions I just nod at them. "Let me get settled and I'll meet you in my solar." looking at Robb I take his hand and make my way inside to the main keep.
I saw a glimpse of the bastard before I entered my chambers; his head had popped out from his rooms then had quickly retreated. I grind my jaw in undeserved anger.
"Well I'll leave you to rest, Mother." Robb says getting on his tiptoes to give me a kiss on the cheek as I bent down to him before running off down the hall.
Quickly I go inside my room not wanting to see where he headed. A maid is there, not my usual one that came with me from Riverrun. She had stayed with the second group.
"Drew a bath for you milady." Barely giving the girl acknowledgement I begin working on the ties of my gown. The maid comes forward and helps with the unreachable ones. I step out of it and allow myself to relax in the tub just for a moment and once I hear the door close behind the maid. I allow myself to cry at my misfortune.
I was glad for my small moment as it gave me time to gather myself. As if things weren't difficult enough the Greyjoy's had thought to launch a rebellion. While I was on the road a raven was sent with the news that Lannisport was attacked. Three days after that the crown sent a raven calling all the major lords and their bannerman to come.
Damn the Greyjoys. Damn them to the seven hells. My daughter was missing and now my husband had to stop the search for Sansa to lead the North to battle against them. Damn them. It has been three days already since I have returned and since then I have had to manage the food supply in storage in order to provide the northern army with provisions. The good thing is that since the men are leaving for war. Food distribution amongst those staying will be easier though not by much. I have also had to manage the influx of small folk that had sought refuge in Winter town. As well as do the daily routine of hearing the people under Stark rule come to give their complaints and grievances.
Honestly, it was very selfish of the crown to ask the North to go to battle when winter had just begun. It is common knowledge that the North is always hit the hardest out of all the kingdoms.
Sadly It was decided that Ned would search for Sansa for as long as possible until the troops arrived at Moat Cailin. After that the search would be abandoned. I only pray we will find her before then. Winter was already here and the days will only get shorter and colder. Sansa will not survive the Winter out there on her own even if she has managed to survive for this long.
I find myself lying awake most every night. My thoughts plague by nightmares of various ways my daughter could die or has died. I was also plagued with thoughts and fears of Ned dying in battle and leaving me alone with just one son and his bastard. Then I think about everything that has happened since Sansa was born.
Before Sansa Ned's and I relationship was on friendly terms we might not have loved each other but we were friends and that's something most people can't say about their marriages. That all changed and it started a few months after Sansa's birth. When Ned took both Sansa and the bastard to his study. After that we had the biggest fight in our marriage. He just wouldn't understand that he couldn't keep his bastard here. He wouldn't understand how insulting it was for me. How hurt I was when I found him here already taking up residence in the nursery that rightfully belongs to OUR children.
And I couldn't understand why he was so set with his bastard staying here. Every time I ask the question on why here when he could foster him anywhere else all he would say is the same damn thing.
"He is my blood and his place is amongst family."
After years of hearing that same answer, never have I hated Ned more. Always the same damn thing.
"He is my blood…"
"He is my blood…"
"He is my blood…"
As if I don't know that as if I don't know the damn reason I find his presence disgusting. I tried to ignore him in the beginning. I tried so hard to but then I would notice little things. Such as his mannerisms, which are similar to Neds, or how he excelled in his studies just a smidge above Robb. The one above all else that I noticed was that he looked the most like Ned.
Robb and Sansa were all Tully in coloring. From there hair to their skin to their eyes. The bastard was born everything Stark or everything Ned for aside from his delicate frame he was Ned Stark through and through.
And this just made me fearful because if I noticed it that means others have as well. What if he becomes another Blackfyre.
'You doubt that very much'
So in my fear I sabotaged his learning going out of my way when I had time to send him away from his studies. I even tried to keep him away from his siblings though it was much more difficult to keep him away from Robb then it was Sansa.
Ned noticed this of course and he was furious but damn if I would back down. So despite my fear at his icy wrath I allowed myself to forget all my upbringing and what it means to submit to your husbands will and yelled at him. It went on for months, neither of us giving an inch until I lost all control and I threw a heavy paper weight at him. After that I knew I had truly lost all my senses and I could no longer keep myself together.
I had sunk to the floor and allowed myself to cry in front of him. Ned being the compassionate stubborn man that he was sat on the floor next to me and gathered me in his arms. Cradling me on his lap as if a child. He apologized for his yelling and rocked me back and forth until I calmed down. After that I said I need time and it would be best if I went to Riverrun.
I am brought out of my thoughts by a light coming from the hallway. In the silence I hear the door to Sansa's room being pushed open. Getting up I put on my boots over my layered socks and investigated who would enter my daughters room.
I look into the room from the ajar doorway and there by the window looking out is the bastard. I bite my tongue before anything could come out of my mouth. I had not seen him at all since the glimpse I got of him the day I arrived and I found it easy to forget that he existed amongst the chaos that was my life right now.
Taking in a deep breath and forcing myself to act cordially towards him despite the fact that I didn't like him or his presence in my life. I refused to act anymore unseemly because of him.
"What are you doing in here?" I managed to say. The boy jumps and whirls his face around to face me. "Well?" I prompt looking down at him. I see him cast an uncertain look around as if looking for an excuse or an escape. When doesn't see one he exhales and turns his eyes to the floor.
"I was dreaming about Sansa and I missed her so I came here. It still smells like her and if I close my eyes I imagine she is here and not out there alone." He admits. I pressure my lips. To think we share something in common makes me shudder. I latch on to his dream about Sansa. Hoping to see what he dreams about her and if they are as terrible as the ones I have had.
"What did you dream about?"
He shrugs his small shoulders before looking out the window still not meeting my gaze. "The first time I dreamt about Sansa it was dark, it's always dark but I can see as if it were day, and I saw her jumping from lizard-lion to lizard-lion in the marshes as if they were logs. After that it became a nightly occurrence. At first I thought I was dreaming because I missed her but then Robb said he had the same dreams." I hold my breath waiting for him to continue. Robb had the same dreams. The word 'skinchanger' passed through my thoughts. "And I thought maybe I wasn't dreaming and I'm actually seeing Sansa. Because how can me and Robb have the same dream every night?" here he pauses and looks at me as to confirm his theory that he was actually seeing Sansa. In that moment I forgot that this boy was the source of much of my unhappiness with my life and all I could think is that he knows where Sansa is. He knows if Sansa is alive. He knows how she is.
"What did you see of Sansa that made you come to her room Jon?" I ask him as I sit down on the bed facing him but keeping my distance for fear I would grab a hold of him and shake him in my desperation to know more about Sansa. In the back of my head my thoughts are saying that magic isn't truly really anymore and that it's time has long since passed but my desperation for any news of Sansa has pushed out any logical thought or explanation I could have had on why Robb and Jon are sharing dreams.
"I saw what I have been seeing for the past several days. I saw her naked and dirty. I saw her in a dark place with lots of treasures lying around her. Today she was trembling in the corner forcefully eating raw meat." He says. I shake at the thought of my daughter being naked out there and cold being forced to eat uncooked meat. She should be here with me. With her family not alone. I choke down a sob.
"Go to bed." I tell the boy before getting up and leaving. In the morning I will confirm with Robb whether he had a dream about Sansa Similar to Jons. If so I will send a raven to Ned and maybe he will listen to it and not think it nonsense. A sense of hope fills me at the thought that Sansa may yet be found alive.