I hate myself. I hate myself. I wish I was dead. If I was dead I wouldn't have to experience the cold. If I was dead I wouldn't have to experience hunger. If I was dead I wouldn't experience pain. If I was dead I wouldn't be allowed to make stupid decisions. Then again I should be dead. I did die. So why am I here? What is this world? I think I know it but do I? I didn't even bother with the books. I don't know what I'm doing and I don't know what to do.
I feel tears of frustration and self loathing pour down my face as I force myself to eat the raw meat provided to me by the direwolf whose company I've been keeping for who knows how long. I don't even know if this is healthy but every time I've refused to eat it the stupid beast growls at me.
I was currently in what looked to be an abandoned treasure vault underground. There are chests filled with gold and jewels everywhere in the room. I had tried to search for clothing but there was none so I was forced to stay naked. Naked and cold and vulnerable but still I live. I should be dead. Why aren't I dead? Why am I alive?
If I am alive.
I hear the direwolf come closer and lay behind me wrapping its large body around me keeping me warm. Getting tired of eating the meat and figuring I ate enough to satisfy the direwolf I put it down. I snuggle into a ball getting as close as physically possible to the warmth provided by the furry animal. I can't say I don't deserve this but I wish so much I would be found already.
If I'm even being searched for.
I feel my heart tightens at the stray thought. Fresh tears make their appearance and I rub my face into the fur.
The letter Catelyn sent was... I wish I could say surprising but it wasn't it just made sense as much as I wish it didn't. I had the same dream or more like I saw the same thing as the children but still I found it mind-boggling. The information wasn't much help though I didn't know where this place was. All it gave me was that it was a vault, there was treasure, and it was abandoned.
"Anything?" I asked Howland. He shakes his head not bothering with a response. I sign closing my eyes. I feel the throb of incoming pain and brace myself.
"Have you taken anything for the headaches?" I breath shaking my head. They have become more regular and at times I feel myself crippled so much that I can't function for a good hour. Massaging my temples I look at Howland.
"Have any more of the men arrived?" changing the subject to the other matter at hand.
"Mormonts and Glovers are 3 days away. Karstarks troops should be arriving today." he continues listing which houses have responded and how many men they have sent. Most are only sending a third of their men not really having the resources to spare too much. Having to think about winter which is fine as I don't consider the Ironborns too much of a threat.
"Ned, do you want to continue trying?"
"You said it yourself I will more than likely not accomplish it without knowing what animal it is." I sign leaning my head back. "Plus I don't have the concentration needed to dedicate myself to the matter. As much as I wish I did. There are too many problems at hand for me to think about anything else."
"I know I did but we really don't have much time left to keep searching. Wherever your daughter is seeking shelter it sure isn't anywhere known."
I signed again, not bothering to give him a response. "I'll go to sleep early. It's the only way I seem to connect to the animal without difficulty. Pray I have success in seeing something useful aside from my daughter's condition." I stand up at that and make to leave pausing only when I feel Howland's hand on my shoulder squeezing it.
"Have faith, my friend."
Nodding I head out the door and to my chambers.
It was easy to tell what was dream and what was actually skinchanging. When I became part of the animal all my senses exploded. The first thing that would hit me was the smell then the sounds the other three would quickly follow. I could taste blood on my mouth and I could feel something there clapped between my teeth. I ignore the object and focus on my surroundings trying to see a landmark that could give a clue as to the location. There are trees. It's a forest. I stopped and looked up. I hear a sound in the distance. I put down the dead animal and sniff the air for any threat. I smell the different trees in the forest, the different animals that inhabit the area, and in the distance I smell men. My ears perk up at the sound of their voices.
"I tell you I saw a bear lurking here the other day?"
"And I'm telling you you must have been drunk. There are no bears in the area."
"I saw one!"
"You couldn't have, even if there was one. Everyone knows that bears sleep during the winter."
"And how would you know."
"I heard it from a traveler who stopped…" there was a howl in the air. "That's definitely no bear that's wolves. That is." the man's voice trembles in fear. I could smell their fear double when more howls broke the silence of the forest. "It's getting late soon we won't be able to see much. And I have no plans of being food."
"Your right let's go." I heard the sound of clothes rustling and the quick pounding of feet moving through the woods. I pick up the animal which turns out to be a rabbit and continue on. I break the woods and enter the plains. I am running fast. Extremely so. There are no land markings in the distance. Nothing that can say the location. I still search.
When the half moon is high in the sky I see towers in the distance being illuminated by the light of the moon. The closer I get the more clear I see. Moat Cailin. I don't go there. I turn and head west towards the marshes.
I slow down to a trot when I arrive. I stop mid step. I hunch low. I could feel the danger. Someone is watching. Waiting. I look around. Searching for the threat. My ears perk. I try to smell but the smell of the rabbit in my mouth smothers anything else. I go forward slowly alert. Then I jump back, dropping the rabbit. A lizard-lion circles to face me after a failed attempt to trap me in its sharp jaws. My heart is hammering in my chest. I create space between us and try circling him. He follows my movement not allowing me to get in his blind stop. My muscles are tense preparing for an attack. A powerful growl escapes my body. The lizard-lion once more lugs at me.
I wake startled from my dream.
"Lord Stark, the Karstarks have arrived." I stare at the wall in front of me not comprehending the voice behind the door. "Lord Stark?"
"I'll be down soon" I hear them leave the door and walk down the hallway. Letting out a breath I shuffle out of bed. I quickly wash up with the water in the basin placed in the corner of the room and head out the door.
At the entrance of Moat Cailin I encounter the lords who answered the call greeting Karstark.
They all grow silent in my presence. "Lord Stark" Karstark proceeds forward and kneels before me.
I quickly accepted his greeting and formality and waited for him to rise before addressing him further. "How was the road? Any difficulties?"
"None my lord" he answers before looking away as if debating something. "My condolences on your daughter." I looked down, hiding my expression at his wording knowing that to him it was a lost cause to keep hoping Sansa was alive after so many weeks have passed.
"Thank you but I still have hope I'll find her" he looks at me pitfully but I ignore it in favor of changing the subject. "Go fresh up and rest. The Mormonts along with the Glovers should arrive soon and once they do I will explain the plan to everyone together." I say.
"What of the Umbers?" Rickard asks. His dark brows frowning at no mention of them.
"They will not be coming. A blizzard has trapped them in Last Hearth." I say sadly but my lips twitch at the letter that arrived with the news sharing the lord of Last hearth's displeasure at not being able to slash the head of cowardly "Ironcunts". He had been very descriptive in the letter more than like his inability to leave his keep giving him ample time to imaging all the things that he could have done in the battle field.
"Ha. He must be boiling with rage sitting in his keep." Karstark smiles at the thought.
"That I'm sure he is" I watch him leave the rest of the lord's following to their assigned rooms. Only the lords where being housed inside the walls of Moat Cailin, their men having to sleep outside in tents.
"How was your rest, Ned?" I hear Howland ask meaningfully. I turn to him and join my hands behind my back.
"I was expecting Karstark to arrive earlier, why was he delayed?" I asked.
"He gave no explanation and I didn't ask." I nod my head in response.
"If you could have your men arise at first light. I wish to search west of here." I tell him before going in search of the Castellan.
When the morning came I met with Howland and his men right outside the gates of Moat Cailin. There are twenty men that make up Howland's people and all of them are dressed in the regular crannogmen assemble. Howland stands in front of them hood down.
"We think it best to not take any horses with us. If that's alright with you my lord?" I nod my head.
"It's fine. It shouldn't be that far from here." and with that we make our way out. We passed the tents of the men. It was still early so there were hardly any men about. It was a little past noon before I finally saw any sign that what I saw yesterday in my dreams is true.
"Well that's not a common sight to come by." Cregon Fenn, a short sandy haired man with hazel eyes barely past his twenties says. I couldn't agree more with him. Before us was the carcass of a lizard-lion. It's underbelly mauled and ripped. It's inside flowing out and spilling in the ground. "It doesn't look a day old." he proceeded to get closer and with his spear poke at the large animal. I grimaced at the sound it made and the disturbance it created to the flies buzzing around it. None of this seemed to matter to the young man who continued to muse over the discovery out loud. "What do you suppose killed him? Another lizard-lion? Territory fight? It's rare but one never knows?"
"Stop Cregon..."
"It's not another lizard-lion the bite's to small for that." Howland says, interrupting Jorgen Cregon's uncle from scowling at his nephew. "Whatever it was it was big. Look at the distance between the slashes."
"Well I doubt the other animal got away scratch free, my lord." Cregon said while searching the mouth of the beast.
"I believe it did." I say looking away searching the area for any sign that could reveal where that animal I keep skinchanging to might have gone or hidden. "Search the area. Look to the ground."
I make my way west Howland at my heels two of his men follow and the rest spread out in groups. "You saw this yesterday?" he asks.
"Yes, but that was all. I was woken before I could see the results and where the animal ran off to." We searched for a while encountering a lizard-lion here and there. Thankfully the crannogmen are experienced in dealing with them and the animals remained a small nuisance.
The sun got low and it wouldn't be long before it got dark. I reluctantly prepared to call the search over till the next day when a shout was heard.
"I found something." called Cregon who had separated from his group sometime during the search and was further South.
"Cregon stop going off on your own!" came the angry shout of his uncle. I ignore it and quickly make my way to Cregon.
"Slow down Ned. There are still lizard-lions about we need to be cautious." Howland grabbed my arm before I could go any further.
"Yes, of course."
We proceed at a slower pace making our way avoiding the lizard-lions hiding from view.
"What do you see, Cregon?" Howland calls.
"It looks like an underground tunnel. Parts of it look caved in. It seems to go to the east but I'm unsure. I would have to go down there."
"Don't you even think about it!" Jorgen calls out but it was useless. The young man fell into the tunnel with a shout. "Cregon!" the pace is picked up in order to get there faster.
"I'm alright. Just a bump in the head." We finally reached him and looked down into the widened hole. "Someone have a torch up there?" We looked down at him.
"This is why we don't let you out." His uncle growls in frustration.
"Pease Jorgen. Cregon since you are already down there search further and see if you find anything." Howland says tossing a small torch. The sandy haired man catches it and quickly lights it.
"Aye, my lord."
The tunnel was flooded and the walls wet but as I continued further the water level seemed to lower. The tunnel must be at an incline. I finally seem to reach a chamber. It was large with three separate openings heading in different directions. Which should I take? I was about to head straight but was stopped by the sound of a voice.
"There was once an old lady who swallowed a dog. What hog to swallow a dog? She swallowed the dog to catch the cat. She swallowed the cat to catch the bird. She swallowed the bird to catch the spider. She swallowed the spider to catch the fly. I don't know why she swallowed the fly. Perhaps she'll die!" I frown at the rhyming tune. I shake my head at the words and decide to follow the sound which was coming from the left. Making my way into the tunnel I walk slowly keeping my feet light and silent. Just as I reached the tunnel exit the tune seemed to be coming to a close.
"She's dead of course!" I hear a sign follow the ending. "Like I should be with all the damn animals that stupid beast forces me to eat." I could hear the pout in her voice. I reach the door which is closed and push it. It wouldn't budge. "Who's there?" I hear on the other side. I debate if I should respond or not but think it better too.
"My name's Cregon Fenn and who might you be?" I hear a clatter on the other side.
"Umm… Sandra. I'm Sandra."
"I see and do you happen to know where we might be Sandra." I ask the girl behind the door.
"No"
"I see. Well can you open the door?"
"I don't know how?"
"How did you get in there then?"
"From the water."
"What water?"
"I don't know. The water. River. I don't know. There was a hole in the room leading that way."
"Is the room flooded?" I ask, confused by her explanation.
"No."
"Then what water?" I ask again, feeling frustrated with her answers.
"I can't explain."
I sign. "Okay wait here." I begin to say but get interrupted.
"I can't really go anywhere now can I." I clench my jaw in annoyance.
"I'm going to go get help and hopefully we can get you out of there."
"Okay but can you hurry. It's really dark in here and I don't know how long I've been here."
"I'll be quick. I promise." With that I hurry back to the others to inform them of the girl named Sandra ignoring the shouted 'Thank you'. It didn't take long to make it back to where the tunnel opening was since I knew where I was going.
"Lord Stark! Lord Reed! I found someone." I yell up at them.
"Who?" came the immediate question of Lord Stark.
"Sorry my lord, it was not Sansa." I say feeling awful that I couldn't bring him good news. "Its a girl named Sandra. she sounds to be about ten namedays or older but she's trapped in a room and I can't seem to open it. I promised her I wouldn't be long. She sounds frightened."
"Very well then we can't leave her there. Did you see anything else?" asks lord Stark.
"No, it was empty."
"Is it good enough to spend the night?"
"Yes my lord. The water lowers and ends further down the tunnel."
"Very well then lets go help the girl and rest for the night. In the morning we will head back to the Moat." Lord Stark says before by the light of the fire I see him shuffle into the hole and land on his feet. The rest follow.