So, I lied. Kinda. Anyways, here's the new chapter :D
here's to the ones that we got; cheers to the wish you were here but you're not - Memories (Maroon 5)
o0o0o
"So then I tell this kid, okay, first of a—wait, Karma's here!"
A grin splits Karma's face ear to ear even as she winces at the chorus of her name that nearly blows out her eardrums. "Wow, okay, pipe down before you get kicked out, sheesh."
The big Zoom screen keeps switching back and forth as the others talk over one another in excitement, and something in her heart swells with warmth as their faces flicker back and forth, their familiar voices creating an indiscernible but comforting babbling background noise. Luckily, she had the forethought to wear earbuds, so at least she won't get kicked out of the cafe because they're screaming at the top of their lungs.
"When did you get here?" Kili demands, his unruly curls flopping into his young face like always, and she laughs.
"Just a minute ago," she admits. "I wanted to see how long it took you guys to notice. So how is everyone?" she asks eagerly, pulling up the participants list, feeling as though fireworks are popping warmly in her chest; for the first time since waking up, she feels like she's coming home. "It feels like forever. Who else is here?"
"We're just waiting on Uzala," Sanza explains, stirring his drink with his straw.
"As per usual," Segro snickers from across the table with his own drink. He, Sanza, Fultz, and Muldar all live in the Tokyo area, and the Zoom call had been their idea. Although the rest of them can't meet in person, Karma is already infinitely glad for this. She's been in contact with all of them individually, and they have a group chat called 'Knights of the Coffee Oath' (which is actually what Uzala only half jokingly petitioned for the actual guild to be called at first—turns out that it would've been extremely accurate), but seeing all of their faces all at once is something she treasures.
"What's that you got there, Karma?" Fultz asks, gesturing at his own drink.
"It's just coffee. I'm still nineteen, remember."
Suddenly, a new face pops into the panels at the top. "Boring! Come on, you can totally pass for drinking age."
She scowls playfully at Uzala's beaming face; it's still a little jarring seeing him with plain brown hair instead of bright blue.
"You saying I look old?" she demands over the chorus of the rest of them greeting their affectionately dubbed village idiot.
"I wasn't—I didn't meant it like that! Please don't hurt me."
Karma can't help but laugh. "We're on literally opposite sides of the country," she reminds him, and her good mood falters briefly as she stares at her dark reflection in her drink, sitting alone in the corner of the cafe.
"And god knows you'd find a way anyways," Uzala grumbles. No one refutes that statement, and their laughter peters out into comfortable silence until he clears his throat. "So, Karma, how're you doing?"
He sounds extremely awkward. She tilts her head as no one else responds. "I'm doing alright," she says slowly, not really sure what he's getting at. "What about you guys?"
The quartet at the bar exchange glances; the others not in person look awkward, until Uzala, looking a little more serious than usual, says gently, if still awkwardly, "Y'know. I mean...I know it wasn't the ending we were expecting."
Oh. That. Right...In the moment, she'd forgotten that they were all there, watching them rip and tear each other and themselves apart.
"Yeah…" She trails off, scratching the back of her neck, feeling suddenly numb inside. "I mean...yeah…" A hoarse little chuckle escapes her as she shrugs, at a loss (as if that's anything new). "Y'know. 'S okay." Her voice is more shaky breath than substance, and she can hear it herself.
It's not that she wants to hide it from them. If anything, they are the ones she should trust most to share her grief with. They are the ones who can ask her how she's doing, and whom she would at least try to be honest with, because they lived through it with her, they know what they're talking about, even if they never felt it like she did.
Still, she can try, but it's so, so hard to do anything but hide anymore.
"Are you guys holding up?" she asks instead, clearing her throat, where there's a lump of something that doesn't feel like anything, just...empty. "It's hard on all of us."
A low chorus of mumbles and a ripple of shrugs and so-so head nods goes around the Zoom, and she sighs, remembering that as close as they all are, she's still talking to a half dozen or so guys who are notoriously awkward with feelings.
"I wish we could have a group hug," Uzala says quietly, looking so put-out about it, and she summons a grin she can't feel.
"That would be nice," she admits lightly, and that's about as far as she can force herself to go, and he frowns.
"Are you sure you're doing okay? You always seem really tired all the time," he adds, and she feels half relieved and validated that he noticed, and half annoyed at herself for it.
"Yeah, I mean…" She scratches her head. "Readjusting to the real world isn't easy, but it could be a lot worse."
She feels guilty for even saying it; she has no right to complain to them when she really could have it much worse. And they do have it worse than her; they have—or had—actual lives before SAO. Sanza was some kind of teacher, Fultz worked as an engineer, Muldar owned some kind of business that he'd been running since leaving college, Segro worked in hospitality, Uzala had a job as a bartender (which none of them were surprised to discover), and Kili was in college, which is probably a dumpster fire right now for him. She doesn't know all the details, but she does know that everything was turned upside down for them once when they were trapped in the game, and then again when they were released from it.
They had lives and goals and aspirations that got put on hold or completely derailed in the last two years. What was she living for before SAO anyways?
They don't look convinced, and she sighs, trying to force some determination to match her words. "Look, I—I got another chance at life, and I'm gonna have a go at it. Honest."
"We know," Muldar finally says with a brief flicker of a smile. "You were always a trooper. Never did anything half-assed."
"We're here for you," Kili agrees, his young-looking face all sincerity. "We're all here for each other, always, right?"
A soft murmur of assent goes up, a far cry from their raucous exuberance earlier, and Karma's heart beats a little stronger as she tries to forget that once, his voice would've been among theirs too.
Uzala clears his throat and beams at the camera.
"Anyways, you guys wanna see my puppy?"
As one, they all groan in exasperation, but their protests fall on deaf ears as Uzala whistles. "Here, boy! I got some friends here who wanna see you-"
"You've literally sent us an entire album of pictures on the group chat," Muldar says in exasperation, "we really don't need-"
"Don't be silly!" Uzala's disembodied voice exclaims cheerfully as he moves off screen, quickly devolving into baby talk. "C'mere, boy! Who's a good boy? There's a good boy-"
A wriggling mass of golden fur fills the screen for a second before Uzala readjusts the camera, grinning with his golden retriever puppy in his lap. "Isn't he adorable?!"
Karma rolls her eyes so hard they might just roll out of her skull, but there's something indescribably lovable about seeing Uzala so ridiculously happy about his dog. Save for earlier, everything about this half-virtual meet-up makes her heart feel lighter. Everyone looks good, if a little gaunt and tired. There's light in their eyes.
They talk about anything. If she doesn't think too hard about it, it almost feels like Aincrad again. They try to use their real names for all of two minutes before deciding it's too much trouble and to simply use their handles. Karma doesn't hesitate to jump right in when she wants to; they've always listened to her, as subordinates, as comrades, as friends and family. And talking with them is easy, in a comfortable, unchallenging way. They all know enough about each other that they can certainly talk for hours and hours without fumbling for things to talk about, and they know enough to know what topics to stay away from.
In a nonverbal agreement, none of them really bring up what happened in the boss chamber on Floor 75 again.
"Hey," she says, suddenly curious, "what's the best part about SAO being over?"
The call lapses into a rare moment of thoughtful silence. To no one's surprise, Uzala breaks it first.
"I get to see my puppy again!"
At the following bombardment of half-hearted exasperation, he laughs, absently fondling his puppy's ears affectionately. "Okay, okay, okay...I guess it's nice to be able to step outside the city without being afraid of being mauled by monsters," he says with a grin, and Karma tries to laugh, she really does.
It's just that...she liked it. Well, she despised it in the sense that it put them all in danger when they walked out of a safe zone, but she liked it in the sense that when it was just her, when it was only her life in peril and no one else's, it was nothing but thrilling to risk it all. The stakes were so high, but that just meant that her actions could mean something.
And even though she knew that it wasn't what really made the difference at the end of the day, it gave her a strength that could be quantified in numbers and experience points. It was reassuring; all illusions are.
(This world is too real, that's all)
She stirs when Uzala adds, in a sort of petulant tone, "I fell down the stairs the other day, though...that hurt."
Karma gives a little laugh with no substance to it, and Muldar says sarcastically, "Of course it did. Can't exactly go around tripping over your own two left feet anymore and not expect it to hurt."
"But it's really annoying," he whines, like a little kid complaining about some inane little thing. "I forgot how much I hate splinters, and paper cuts, and I forgot you can't touch coffee mugs right after you pour steaming hot coffee into it, and that you also can't drink coffee right after it's made without burning your tongue." He lets out a heavy sigh to punctuate his complaints.
"Oof, I do that too," Karma says sympathetically to distract herself. "Pain. What a nuisance, am I right?"
"Exactly!"
The night whirls on. Everyone (except Karma) gets a little tipsy, between rounds of games and hours of talking. The atmosphere is like an amber warm bubble of familiarity. She's got her family all around her; it feels good.
"I was thinking of visiting Godfree's family soon."
All attention is directed to Uzala's screen in silence, and Karma slowly breathes in.
"Were you," she sighs, grief permeating that easy atmosphere at the mention of someone else they left behind there in that floating steel castle.
"It's a bit of a hike, but he lives—lived here up north too," he explains, clearing his throat bracingly, "so I can make the trip."
"Sounds good," Karma says, but she hears her own voice like it's someone else speaking.
"Let us know when you're going," Kili chimes in, sounding more subdued than usual.
"Yeah, for sure."
Karma wonders how silence can sound so different sometimes. It's different when she's stealthily making her way through a dead silent dungeon, every nerve drawn taut while waiting for something or someone hostile to come at her. It's different when she's on the verge of falling asleep in some random, rickety inn room, thoughts buzzing, anxieties gnawing.
It's different when she's with friends, during a sleepy lull in the conversation, when they're not really searching for anything to talk about, just content with the presence of family.
It's different when they're mourning.
"I'm really glad we did this," Uzala says aloud, words more than a little slurred at this point. It's past midnight, and Karma has returned to her apartment already. "I missed all your pretty faces."
Sanza snorts quietly. "Love you too, buddy."
Karma hums in accordance, not tipsy but more than a little sleepy despite the three cups of coffee she's had tonight. Tonight has been more than special.
This is family. This is home.
But the more complete their circle is, the more glaring the gaps are.
When Sanza finally closes the Zoom call at two in the morning, Karma pulls out her earbuds and leans back in bed and stretches with a quiet groan, exhausted, her mind full of new memories and heart empty from remembering the old ones.
Godfree should've been there, boasting that he could totally drink them all under the table and utterly failing when challenged to do so. He should've been there, telling the absolute worst dad jokes and making them all threaten to hit that red 'leave meeting' button (but not quite). He should've been there, laughing his booming laugh with the rest of them; he deserved to keep laughing and living.
Asuna should've been there, making the occasional witty remark that would completely rip apart the guys with a cool smirk on her face and in her copper eyes. She should've been there, carrying their two collective brain cells and putting her foot down with a tone that no one dared to disobey when the others were about to do something catastrophically stupid. She should've been there, grinning as they happily made fools of themselves; she deserves to be free.
Karma would trade her life for either one of theirs in an instant (but then she wonders how much of that is truly selfless).
And as Karma listened and danced along to the others singing terrible karaoke, as she muffled her cackling, tears streaming down her face, while watching everyone's faces grow more and more red with every drink they downed, as she joined them in playing shiritori and online pictionary and a dozen other silly games over the internet, every passing second was just another that she feels his absence more and more strongly where he should've shouldn't have been.
Where his dry humor and soft chuckles and broad shoulders and warm hands and the place against his side just for her and the quiet, genuine (or so she thought) smile that he wore sparingly but just for her-
Did it mean anything?
-should've been.
"What's wrong with me?" she wonders out loud, the words dissipating unheard in the dark, and before she realizes, she has her NerveGear in her gloved hands, staring blankly at her barely visible reflection in the dark, translucent material.
Shouldn't she be happy with what she has? Shouldn't she be content with the friends and family that are alive and here and will never betray her (at least, she thinks so)?
With a long breath, she draws a hand back through loose strands of hair; someone empty stares back at her in the visor's reflection.
"It's human nature to want more than we can ever have."
He shouldn't have been there. He didn't deserve to be there. It's good that he wasn't there. It's good that he's gone. They're better off without him. They should be better off. She should be better off
but she sure as hell doesn't feel like it.
And Karma knows that things should be better, knows that she's better off without someone who didn't want her enough to care, but the part of her that mourns the man they call a villain doesn't understand why he had to go.
o0o0o
yesterday's gone and tomorrow never comes, still I'm living like they're all that I got - Into the Infinite (Nathan Wagner)
I don't wanna be an island; I just wanna feel alive and get to see your face again - Echo (Jason Walker)
So I said I was going to bring back an old character at the end of last chapter...and I guess the KoB counts, kind of. But I was editing, and writing, and before I knew it, I'd accidentally written like an extra thousand words or so (y'know, As One Does) and it got long enough that I could split it in half and have two coherent chapters...And if it was just the fact that it was longer than the first chapter, which I already thought was going to be the second longest chapter in this thing (which, now that I think about my tendencies, probably won't be true anyways), I probably would've kept it, but I actually found a good stopping point. The two halves didn't quite match up anyways, so I just decided to split it.
(Also, another chapter means an extra three song recommendations I can throw at you guys :D)
Lmao speaking of stopping points, I'm looking through my rough drafts and there is a shockingly (well not really) low number of chapters with an ending that isn't blatantly depressing :P
The Zoom hangout was quite reminiscent of current conditions, huh? XD I debated on having one of the KoB be skeptical of/against Karma and wondering if she was with Kayaba the whole time (like an idiot), but then I decided maybe that's a bit much, and out of character for them XD But I'll, uh, definitely be keeping that idea in mind for the future ;D
So the character I was talking about last chapter didn't appear here. No, it wasn't Uzala, or any of the KoB. You can decide what that means ;) But I promise the character will be in the next chapter! It's gonna be great!