AN: Remember how all the Eden capes had a physical deformity? The original inspiration for this short was pondering on what sort of minor defect Contessa ought to have had.

AN: The other divergence is that Weld and Browbeat worked as rogues for a while before falling into the employment of a bad guy.

ooOoo

I came back into consciousness all at once, with none of the usual sort of blurry "just waking up" feeling. One moment nothing, the next I was staring into two unpleasantly familiar faces.

"Whatever you two are trying, it won't work. I beat you both before and I can do it again!"

I leapt to my feet as I issued my challenge. At least, that was the plan. Instead my head only lolled forward slightly as the rest of my body refused to obey my commands. I reflexively reached out for my swarm, but I couldn't sense anything more than a few feet away from my body. I wasn't going to get anywhere with the handful of midges that fell under my control.

"What have you done to me?" I tried to keep the fear out of my voice, but I don't think I was completely successful.

"Panacea was able to fix your physical injuries, but she couldn't treat the mental trauma," the metal one, Weld, explained. "That will recover on its own, but it will take time. By the time we got you to her you were in bad shape... mostly dead, I think she called it."

"That she was able to heal you at all was a miracle," the other one, Browbeat, chimed in.

Now that I was able to get my bearings I realized that I was lying on my back, cradled in his arms. In other circumstances I might have simply enjoyed the experience-guys with builds like his didn't usually spend much time cuddling girls like me-but I had other concerns on my mind. The only thing currently in my field of view was the night sky, but I doubted these two would have rescued me for a social visit.

"Not that I'm not grateful," I said, trying to turn my head to face Weld directly. Browbeat sensed the motion and placed a palm on the top of my head, rotating it slightly. "But I have to assume that you have an ulterior motive here."

"I will explain," Weld said, before shaking his head with a slight sound of grinding metal. "No, there's no time. I will sum up: the PRT has captured your teammate Grue. Director Tagg has announced that he will be executed if the rest of the Undersiders refuse to turn themselves in."

"What? He can't do that."

"He can after the governor declared martial law," Weld said. "Tagg came up with his ultimatum after a meeting with a woman with six fingers on her right hand."

That explained Weld's interest. I tried to nod, and he seemed to get the message.

"They're all holed up in the PRT building. We need to get in, rescue your friend, and kill the six fingered woman. I knew if anybody could come up with a plan that would succeed, it would be you."

Well, that was flattering. It was nice to be recognized, but this was a tall order. Not to say I had never played around with the idea of attacking the PRT building, but it had been designed to avoid just that kind of thing.

"Which capes are on duty?"

"Tagg has called up the whole Protectorate. The Wards too, I think," Weld replied. "He also has three full squads of PRT guards on the ground floor."

"And what are our assets?"

"Your bugs, Browbeat's strength, and my steel," Weld said, tapping himself on the chest with a soft clanging noise.

"Impossible," I said, shaking my head. "If I had a month to plan, maybe I could come up with something, but..."

"You just shook your head," Browbeat said. I stared at him, perplexed. "That doesn't make you happy?"

"Your strength, his steel, and my brains against the whole lineup of the Protectorate... it's going to take more than a little head jiggle to make me happy," I said, exasperated. "I mean, if we at least had a hoverboard, that would be something."

Weld cocked his head to the side and addressed Browbeat. "Where did we leave Kid Win's hoverboard?"

"Where we left Kid Win, I think."

"Why didn't you list that in our assets?" I asked, then shook my head. "Not that it makes any difference. What I wouldn't give for a holocaust cloak..."

ooOoo

Earlier...

Coil watched the figure sitting across from him with a wary eye. Skitter had proven herself to be a dangerous opponent. Fortunately, her sentimental attachment to the girl seated next to him had proven to be her fatal flaw. She had now entered herself into an inescapable trap of her own devising, represented by the pair of wineglasses sitting on the table.

"You're stalling, trying to get me to give something away," she said, her tone level. "It won't work."

Coil concentrated briefly.

"No need for any further delay," he said. "Let's drink, me from my glass and you from yours."

He picked up his glass as Skitter did the same. He slowly brought the glass to his lips, watching as she mirrored his actions. They each pulled up the bottom of their masks and prepared to drink.

"No need to stall, there-good heavens, what on earth is that?" Coil exclaimed, pointing over Skitter's shoulder. When she turned to look, he switched the places of the two glasses.

"What? Where?"

"Oh, nothing," Coil said, waving a hand dismissively. "It must have been a trick of the light."

He watched carefully for any treachery, but Skitter didn't do anything but swallow the wine, as did he. Judging by her actions, he knew the result before she even said anything.

"You chose wrong," she said.

Coil simply kept a close watch on her until his death collapsed the timeline.

"I have made my decision," he announced. "Let's drink, my from my glass and you from yours."

Once more, they took up their glasses, and once more they drank.

"You chose wrong," Skitter said.

Coil couldn't help it. He threw back his head and he laughed.

"What's so funny?" Skitter asked, obviously confused.

"I switched the glasses when you weren't looking," Coil said. "You've fallen prey to one of the classic blunders. The most famous, of course, is 'never get involved in a land war in Asia'-but only slightly less well-known is this: 'Never go in against a Thinker when death is on the line'!"

Coil threw back his head again and laughed, and laughed, and laughed, and-

ooOoo

AN: Technically, canon never says Coil doesn't sound like Wallace Shawn.