A/N: So I'm finally back! Thank you everyone who reviewed in my absence. Every single one motivated me to continue. I recently got married and moved across the country to life really has been getting in the way but now it's time to finish up this story! Love you guys!

Chapter 4: All About Buffy

Buffy entered the house feeling almost numb. Spike had left, claiming to need some time to think about everything. As much as she wanted to relish being the one with the power and mostly unwanted knowledge, it was too overwhelming.

She vividly remembered the night she had dreamed of Spike's death that followed the death of girls she had never seen before. When she woke up, there was no doubt as to what she had seen. Buffy knew the First hadn't made the dream happen because the First had never even revealed itself to Spike yet. This dream confirmed Spike was in fact the biggest player in this whole thing, not Willow. Not really.

She knew she had been too hard on him outside but she had no choice. They had to focus. She had to focus and have everyone battle-ready. It was exhausting but losing Spike wasn't an option. If the look on his face was any indication, she might be losing him now in an entirely different way.

Buffy ran her hands over her face. She barely needed sleep these days but somehow she still managed to look tired. When she lifted her head up, Giles was sitting behind the kitchen island stirring is cup of tea with a grave expression on his face.

"Buffy I believe it's time we retrieve Willow. The First has made its move."

Buffy didn't respond. She closed her eyes, tipping her head back, and swallowed the lump in her throat. "Finley said the First had a message for me. It's not enough. I've been driving myself crazy waiting for this battle and now that it's here I have no idea how to beat this."

"Willow doesn't want to come back. I thought she would change her mind before this point so I didn't tell you. You need to go because, for us to be at our best, the two of you need to mend your friendship."

"Giles," she began.

"I understand when she departed it may not have been enough time for you to forgive her. But you've had time and so has she," he said sternly.

Buffy laughed a bit. "Just because you use your dad voice doesn't mean I can forget everything and pretend like she's the same Willow. How can you? She almost killed you!"

"I forgive her because she never will. If you killed Spike, how could you? This is our family, Buffy. She's family."

His words affected her greatly and she pushed back tears. Wasn't she killing Spike now? How long could she resent Willow for this possible future on top of her already shaky feelings towards her?

"I'm still angry," Buffy whispered almost shamefully. "I don't know to justify that feeling without coming across like I regret being here with all of you or saying that I wish I were dead. Or that I'm stupid enough to think that one person is responsible for the choices I've made. But Giles, I can't-" and she clenched her fists, her knuckles almost turning white with the effort to restrain her feelings.

"You can't what, Buffy?" Giles prodded softly.

"When the Master killed me, I wasn't ready. When I came back, I was ready to keep going. I felt like it was too soon for me. I had fights to win, I had school to graduate...I wasn't done here. But Giles, when I jumped to save Dawn, I was ready. I had a piece of myself-Dawn- left here. Some kind of legacy and I knew she'd be safe. I was tired of fighting and when I jumped, the thought in my head was that...I can't wait to see my mom's face again. Or hear her laugh or..."

Giles reached out across the table, placing his hand over hers. His own eyes were shimmering with tears as his heart broke for his Slayer. Buffy took a deep shuddering breath before continuing. "One hundred years from now, will I remember her laugh? Or yours? I'm not the same anymore, Giles. There are parts of me that I don't recognize, feelings that I can't control. I'm feel disconnected from who Willow thought she was bringing back. I don't sleep, I don't dream. The only thing I see when I close my eyes is death. Giles. I want to hunt."

He held her hands gently and rose his eyes to hers. "I recognize you. But I also see your anger towards her and, that, I do not understand."

Buffy withdrew her hands from his. He looked disappointed, she noted. "I'll get her. Tomorrow morning Faith, Robin, and I are going to the seal. I can't leave before we know what's going on with that and then Finley and I will go to England. Can you make that happen?"

It wasn't a request and they both knew that. Giles just nodded and watched her leave the room.

Finley didn't sleep that night. Everything was disorienting to her right now and the most prominent element was having Buffy's blood inside of her. Her mind was beyond emotionally exhausted but her whole body felt like a spark plug. Her anger was all consuming and having that coupled with her current state of helplessness was making her almost crave a good kill.

Her Watcher was dead. She had only been spared so they could trick her to coming to Sunnydale. To give Buffy a message in her own blood from the First. She had always felt a sense of purpose and belonging being a Slayer. There was power in knowing that you were Chosen and a force to be reckoned with.

She realized today that she was a pawn. These people here were the major players.

Her heightened senses picked up Faith's breathing pattern. They were sharing a room while she slept on the floor. "I know you're awake," Finley whispered. She heard the other Slayer rousle the sheets.

"That's right, you're on that good shit. I didn't sleep when I had some of that Buffy blood either. This baddie really gave me a beating and I was too impatient to heal up even with Slayer healing. Feels like everything is buzzing right?"

Finley looked up to see Faith's hair hanging over the bed as she peered at her. "This is all about Buffy isn't it?"

Faith no longer looked amused and sighed at the younger girl's question. "Short version?"

Finley sat up a bit from her make-shift bed and nodded.

"It's about what Willow did. The First is the big bad and Buffy is just the big...good. It's about that balance-"

"But we are losing."

"Honestly, I don't even know what we are fighting. The score is the least of our problems right now."

Finley still looked unconvinced but seemed to accept that answer. "Your Watcher was killed in front of you too, wasn't she?"

"Oh, I guess I'm the cautionary tale in all the slayer after school specials, huh? What do they say about me anyway?"

"That you are strong and dangerous," she simplified. "But what you did-"

"Killed people," Faith completed boldy.

Finley looked confused for a moment and sat up so she could get closer to Faith. "What you did has happened before. And it probably will again. It's the nature of the beast. You shouldn't be ashamed of it," she said nonchalantly.

Maybe this little girl wasn't as innocent as she looked, Faith thought. She laid back down fully in bed and she stared at the ceiling for a moment. "I was always kind of fucked up. The people who were supposed to keep me normal and sane, well they failed epically. I watched my Watcher get killed in front of me too. I watched a lot of things that don't even compare to the things that we might see soon. You aren't a beast, Finley. You're a person and you need to be careful about the paths you go down. Understand me?"

At first Finley didn't respond and Faith sighed at the irony of her giving an inspirational speech to anyone.

"My father died protecting her. Before I understood what all that meant, she was some girl. Even as Slayers, we are disposable so I never saw the point of why he did that. I wished he hadn't done it," Finley admitted. "But she's so important and I want to think that that should make me realize he sacrificed himself for something amazing."

"And it doesn't," Faith concluded.

"No. It really doesn't."