Naruto was in a great mood: the official photographer had told him he'd never taken such an outrageous ninja registration photo in his forty years of work. Naruto had taken inspiration from a picture he'd seen on the back of a book of some weirdo named Jiraiya, then liberally added details from all his favourite manga, until the final product could be guaranteed to instil nightmares, bed-wetting and permanent psychological trauma in anyone under the age of seven. Judging by the reactions he'd got on his way home (after the Hokage had caught him and told him to go wash it off, but failed to specify where or when), it was also capable of paralysing full-grown men for up to five seconds. His face was now a ninja weapon all by itself.
Nevertheless, he knew from long experience exactly how far the old man's patience could be stretched, so he did wash the face paint off before meeting up with Sasuke and Sakura to go see their new team leader.
"Hey, Sakura, feel like going for a date to celebrate our graduation?"
"Get bent, Naruto," Sakura snapped, which told him she was in a good mood.
Sasuke ignored both of them and studied the clouds overhead. Business as usual.
"I still can't believe I'm stuck in the same squad as you," Sakura groused. "Didn't you get disqualified for cheating? How could you graduate when you got disqualified from the exam?"
"Oh, I stole the Hokage's secret scroll of forbidden techniques, and then beat up Mizuki-sensei. They couldn't not let me graduate after that," Naruto said nonchalantly.
Sasuke turned around as if becoming aware of Naruto's existence for the first time. "Couldn't you invent something better, imbecile?"
"Like it or not, it's the truth, greaseball," Naruto boasted, shortly before feeling Sakura's wrathful fist descend right on top of his head.
"Ow! What was that for?!"
"For making up stupid lies," Sakura said in the voice of a judge delivering a final sentence with no right of appeal. "Now come on, our new leader might get mad if we're late."
Happily, the leader wasn't mad, largely because he wasn't even there. The rooftop designated as their meeting point was utterly devoid of any sign of life.
"Figures," Naruto griped. "Knew I should have bought some manga on the way. I'd just finished saving up for the next issue of Ikazuchi Saga, too."
Sasuke pointedly rolled his eyes. "Another one of your loser comics?"
"You got a problem with that?"
"What if I do? What are you going to do about it?"
No greater excuse was necessary. "How about this!"
-o-
Kakashi watched from the shadows as two of his potential new subordinates became lost in a chaotic ball of violence within seconds of arriving at the rendezvous point. The third, after a token effort at separating them which did not involve coming within arm's reach, settled down on a railing, pulled out a hand mirror and began adjusting her hair.
Tomorrow was going to be the shortest final exam in Leaf history.
"Typical," the pink-haired girl muttered, "just my luck to be in a squad where even the captain is some lazy moron who can't be arsed to show up to his own... gaah!"
"I'm sorry, were you saying something?" Kakashi chose that moment to appear in front of her out of nowhere.
"Uhh... no. Definitely not. You must have misheard. Sir."
The commotion across the rooftop finally ceased, with the Uchiha now missing his forehead protector, but gripping his opponent, that boy, in a solid headlock. The two were eyeing Kakashi warily, frozen mid-struggle.
"So," Kakashi continued, unfazed, "let's begin the self-introductions. My name is Hatake Kakashi, and I am a Leaf jōnin. I have no intention of telling you my hobbies, my dreams or anything else about myself."
This was met with a stony silence, but the boys did at least separate and adjust their dishevelled clothing.
"You with the atrocious orange outfit, you can go next."
"My name is Uzumaki Naruto!" the boy boasted, feet wide and hands on hips. "I like ramen, Sakura and manga with cool fight scenes. I hate Sasuke, high prices, spoilers and Sasuke. My hobbies are reading manga, playing pranks and thinking of new ways to play pranks. And my dream... is to become the world's greatest ramen chef!"
Kakashi briefly found himself lost for words. He hoped his silence came across as typical jōnin inscrutability rather than confusion.
"Did you say 'ramen chef'?"
"Sure! I'm going to develop my own secret style of ramen, travel the world, and challenge and defeat the best ramen chef in each country in a no-holds-barred cooking showdown. Then I'll open a ramen dojo and grow a long white beard and make people call me Grandmaster Naruto. Oh, and I'll get badass tattoos, 'cause what's the point of the grandmaster gig if you can't have badass tattoos?"
"Oooh-kaaay... next."
"My name is Haruno Sakura. I like... um... well... I like..." Sakura squirmed while glancing meaningfully at the boy to her side.
Would the high pay and manifold perks of being a jōnin squad leader really make up for having to spend this much time around an adolescent girl?
On reflection, yes. Barely.
"I hate Naruto," Sakura added in a burst of certainty. "As for my dream, I... um... it's..." She blushed and began to mumble something incoherently romantic.
There was only so much of this Kakashi could put up with. "Next!"
"My name is Uchiha Sasuke," the black-haired boy said with what could have been ominous significance were it not delivered in a twelve-year-old's unbroken voice. He paused as if waiting for a reaction. Kakashi, naturally, gave him nothing.
"There are few things that I like, and many things that I hate," Sasuke pressed on in the same tone. "I have no dreams, but there are two things I will achieve without fail. I will revive my clan... and I will defeat a certain man."
It should have been nothing more than a child's posturing, effortless to brush off, but those last few words carried a bloodlust worthy of the battlefield. Kakashi could see Naruto give Sasuke an intent, narrow-eyed look that seemed odd coming from the boisterous boy, while Sakura was close to swooning.
At last, the truth dawned on Kakashi. This was all a horrible nightmare, a fever dream brought on by overwork. Or more likely still, it was a genjutsu prank from someone with a particularly twisted sense of humour. Yes, all he had to do was use his Sharingan, and this entire situation would instantly go away.
"Kakashi-sensei? Kakashi-sensei?"
Kakashi reluctantly forced himself to face reality.
"Moving on," he said as much to himself as to the three children, "there is something you haven't been told yet. There's one exam left before you can become genin. Only the very best of you will pass. It's also possible that all of you will fail, and no one will become genin. I don't intend to sugarcoat it for you: this final exam is hard."
"What?!" Naruto exclaimed. "What do you mean, there's another exam? Then what did I beat Mizuki-sensei up for?!"
"Good job on that, by the way. The smug little snake had it coming."
Sasuke and Sakura's jaws dropped.
Kakashi went on as if he hadn't been interrupted. "In answer to your question, the graduation exam proved that you had the basic skills and competencies needed to become genin. The final exam tests whether you are ready to be one. Genin go on difficult, dangerous missions, many with a risk of death. We'd rather send you back to the Academy—as many times as it takes—than let you throw your life away, as you definitely will if you're not prepared.
"Meet me at 5 a.m. tomorrow at the Training Grounds. Bring whatever equipment you like—within reason—because you won't be able to leave once we start."
Naruto livened up. "Kakashi-sensei, Kakashi-sensei, what does 'within reason' mean?"
Kakashi felt a sharp sense of impending doom.
"It means you can only bring things you'd expect to be able to bring on a normal mission. There's a list of objects which are forbidden outright, such as rare chemicals or siege weaponry, plus the examiner has final say over what you can use."
Naruto nodded with a thoughtful expression Kakashi didn't like at all. The sooner the test was over and this trio failed as they inevitably would, the better.
"Dismissed!"
-o-
"I see you all made it. Let's get started!" Kakashi-sensei announced upon his arrival at 6:23 a.m., cheerfully ignoring both the yawns and the death-promising glares.
"Here is how this works. I have here two bells. To pass, you have to get one of these bells by noon. Anyone who doesn't have a bell come noon will fail and be sent back to the Academy. Any questions?"
Sakura raised her hand. "Why are there only two bells when there are three of us, Kakashi-sensei?"
"Because one of you will fail and be sent back to the Academy," Kakashi-sensei said simply. "Make sure it's not you.
"Now, if there's nothing else, I'm going to go over there and read my book. Come at me whenever you're ready."
Huh. Discovering fiendish traps concealed in seemingly ordinary tests was routine for Naruto, but never before had the trap been designed to catch everyone rather than only him. His original plan, after a night of intense preparation, had been to apply his unique pranking expertise to the challenge. He would make creative use of "reasonable" equipment to overwhelm an unsuspecting Kakashi-sensei, while ensuring that the other two got caught in the crossfire because it would make the whole thing so much more entertaining. But if the trap was what he thought it was… it was time to rethink his strategy from the ground up.
Once Kakashi-sensei was safely out of hearing range, Naruto beckoned the other two into a conspiratory huddle. "There's something I don't get."
"What's that?" Sasuke narrowed his eyes.
Naruto told them about a conversation he'd had with Iruka-sensei the previous year.
-o-
"Iruka-sensei, Iruka-sensei, I have a question!"
The lesson was over, and usually Naruto was gone by the time the end-of-class bell (or, on occasion, something that might plausibly be misheard for the end-of-class bell) finished ringing. Iruka almost suspected an incoming prank, but if by some miracle Naruto was expressing academic curiosity...
"What is it, Naruto?"
"How come there are always three people to a genin team?" Naruto asked with his usual expression of optimistic confusion. "Why isn't it two, or five, or nine? Yeah, nine would be great! You could get missions done four times as fast!"
It was no surprise that Naruto was starting to wonder about team composition. With their graduation on the horizon, many of the children in his class were speculating about their future teams. Not a day went by without boys fighting over who deserved to be chosen by the top jōnin instructors, and girls performing age-old "charms" to make sure they ended up with their best friend or the boy they liked.
And yet in his ignorance, Naruto had ended up asking a question none of his peers ever did, a question that hadn't occurred to Iruka himself until his first time working on team assignments as an instructor.
"The reason we have small teams is simple. Our village survives by getting money from doing missions," he explained, "and that means we want as many teams successfully doing missions as possible. You wouldn't want to send six ninja on a mission three could do when you could split them up and get money for two missions instead. With me so far?"
Naruto nodded uncertainly, which Iruka knew from experience was the best he was going to get. "But why three?"
"Well, you see, Naruto, ninja have known for a long time that three's the minimum number you need to make an effective ninja team when you can't count on any given member having more than one well-developed skill. For example—"
"Wait, I don't get it."
Fortunately, Iruka was an old hand at dealing with children like Naruto (probably because he lacked seniority and so tended to be fobbed off with the "problem cases"). When a student didn't understand something you thought was simple, it was time to try an indirect approach.
"Well, you play those role-playing video games on your TV, right?" At least Iruka thought that was how it worked, never having owned a TV or played a video game. Mizuki kept mocking him for being "out of touch with the youth of today", but there were only so many hours in the day, and only so many ryō in a junior teacher's wallet.
"Um." Naruto gave Iruka a helpless look. "I've never had any high tech-lonogy. But I've played video games at Kiba's house before."
Iruka mentally kicked himself for his insensitivity. Yes, many of Naruto's classmates, some of them from Leaf's wealthiest ninja clans, would have access to such luxuries. But Naruto himself was living on the Hokage's Orphans' Fund allowance, and Iruka knew from his own experience how pitiful that was after it got split among the countless orphans of the Night of Tragedy.
"Sorry, I forgot," he said awkwardly. He racked his brains to recall what kids like Kiba talked about in the playground. "Look at it like this. Your warrior monk can beat up tough monsters with his staff, but he can't reach anything that flies. Your archer can shoot down flying enemies, but his arrows go right through evil spirits. And your sorcerer can purify evil spirits, but he's frail and has to run away from tough monsters. None of them can do very much on their own, but when you put them together, you have a team that defeat any enemy. Does that make sense?"
"Hey, it does!" Naruto exclaimed as if astounded at his own understanding.
"It's the same for ninja. For example, one of the so-called ideal formations is having a taijutsu user up front, a powerful but vulnerable mid-range ninjutsu user in the middle, and a flexible long-range ninjutsu user at the back. The taijutsu user keeps enemies busy and stops them going after the others. The mid-range ninjutsu user takes out tough enemies without getting put in danger himself. And the long-range ninjutsu user keeps an eye on the battlefield, using his abilities to stop anyone catching his allies by surprise, and coming in to help whenever someone's in trouble."
No, that was too complicated. A brighter student would recognise whom Iruka was talking about at once, but Naruto, on the opposite end of the spectrum, required more careful handling. Iruka was about to start looking for a different example when he realised that, to his surprise, Naruto was nodding along with a serious look on his face.
"There are lots of different combinations, all designed so you get a balanced team that can take on any challenge—even if they're all genin who can't do much on their own. But you need three. Two won't cut it, and if you have many more than that, it's better to split them into separate teams for flexibility."
"So that's it. Thanks, Iruka-sensei! Hey, are we still on for ramen tonight?"
Iruka smiled. "Well, you did manage to scrape a pass on the test like you promised, so I guess I'd better hold up my end of the bargain."
-o-
"So if Iruka-sensei's right, a genin team has to have three people no matter what. What's going to happen when Kakashi-sensei fails one of us and ends up with two genin?" Naruto asked, face screwed up like he was trying to balance multidimensional equations for a space-time ninjutsu.
The three genin candidates looked at each other.
"I see it now," Sasuke said in a low, intense voice. "Only having two bells means we have to fight over them instead of working as a team. It's all part of his plan. He's not trying to pick two out of three—he's trying to set us against each other!"
Sakura's eyes widened. "Oh, that makes sense! You're so smart, Sasuke!"
"So what do we do?" Naruto asked.
"If we want to win, we have to combine forces, because it'll be the last thing he expects," Sasuke said. "I looked him up in the public records yesterday. He's failed every single genin team he tested. He must have manipulated them like he's trying to do to us, and then failed all three for lack of teamwork!"
"But we can't charge in headfirst," Sakura added, clearly keen to make a contribution. "I asked my parents about him. They say he's the famous Copy Ninja. He knows a thousand different techniques and he was a hero of the Third Great Ninja War. If we try to fight him as if this was a normal combat test, he'll wipe the floor with us."
A heavy, pessimistic silence settled over the area.
After giving it a little time, Naruto spoke up. "Hey, I've just remembered, there was a scene a lot like this one in chapter twenty-seven of Ikazuchi Saga! Saga and his two friends are facing the Dark Flame Master, and he's got these Orbs of Horror that make him immune to Saga's Judgement Thunder. So what they do is this..."
His explanation was a tour de force worthy of Uzumaki Naruto himself, as he waved his arms wildly to indicate different tactics, mimed special moves and struck a variety of dramatic poses, and finally even pulled out some paper and started drawing diagrams.
"It's the most absurdly crazy plan I've heard in my entire life," Sasuke commented when Naruto was done. "But that might be exactly what we need. No sane person will ever see this coming. I need a minute to fix all your mistakes, and then it'll be time to teach Kakashi-sensei not to underestimate us."
"What mistakes?" Naruto asked petulantly, while inwardly thanking the Sage of Six Paths that Sasuke had spotted them. Sasuke was pretty smart, even if Naruto would eternally foreswear ramen before he admitted it out loud, and even Sakura had her moments, and Naruto had been counting on this when he came up with his plan. Any strategy coming from him needed to be full of holes so as not to arouse suspicion, but at the same time it would be a disaster if they ended up being overlooked.
Some discussion later...
"Oh, wait!" Naruto exclaimed. "I'm so dumb! This plan won't work—we don't have anything like Miki's Gates of the Void technique to let us swap places with nearby objects!"
Sakura sneered. "You really are a moron, Naruto. We can use the Substitution Technique for that. I'm actually pretty good at it."
"Oh. Then I guess we're good to go. Can I be Saga?"
Sasuke rolled his eyes. "Of course you're Saga. It's obvious from the plan who gets what role. You're Saga, the loudmouth hero, Sakura's Miki, the kunoichi full of hidden tricks, and I'm Ogun, the mysterious sage who always saves your ass."
Naruto gave Sasuke a funny look. "I thought you didn't read manga because it was for losers."
"I don't. Shut up."
-o-
"Your reign of terror is over, Kakashi-sensei! Feel the lightning fist of justice!"
Without looking up from his book, Kakashi deflected Naruto's punch with his free left hand. Then the kick. Then the three-punch combo, followed by a low leg sweep. Hmm, this was getting interesting. Osamu had just proposed to Izuna, not realising that Izuna was really Eri in disguise. What was Eri going to do, knowing that Kanagiri the butler was due to come home any minute?
There was a glint of light from the edge of Kakashi's vision. In one smooth movement, he noted the page, closed his book, put it down on the grass next to him, drew a kunai and moved to block the shuriken coming at him.
However, the shuriken was a clone, and disappeared into smoke on meeting his defence. At the same time, Naruto redoubled his attack. His attempts to take advantage of Kakashi's distraction still weren't enough to require more than one hand.
Kakashi glanced up. Sakura was running towards him. It was an underwhelming attempt at deception—there was no one else who could have thrown a shuriken from that angle, so if the shuriken was a clone, Sakura was as well. Kakashi reached for his book...
"Substitution Technique!"
With a poof, Sakura—not a clone—replaced his beloved signed first edition volume of Makeout Paradise. But this was not Kakashi's main concern. His main concern was that his hand, instead of holding the book, was now resting solidly on a supine Sakura's chest.
"Kyaaa! Kakashi-sensei, you pervert!" Sakura shrieked.
Kakashi jerked his hand back. He could already see the headlines.
RESPECTED JŌNIN CAUGHT MOLESTING UNDERAGE GENIN GIRL DURING EXAM
LEAF NINJA SEX CRIME TRIAL: "ACCUSED REGULARLY READ PORN IN FRONT OF KIDS"
WORKS OF PERVERT-INSPIRING WRITER JIRAIYA BANNED IN ELEMENTAL NATIONS AFTER "NUMBER ONE FAN" LEAF NINJA JAILED FOR CHILD MOLESTATION
He was snapped out of his panic by the sudden sensation of hostile intent on a scale he hadn't felt since the war. Naruto had transformed into several hundred shadow clones, all with kunai in their hands and flames of the purest homicidal fury in their eyes.
"Don't you dare touch Sakura, you bastard!"
The clones dove at him from every direction—left, front, back, even above. Their numbers blocked out the sunlight, and Kakashi calculated his options with lightning speed. Should he go full-on taijutsu and try to eradicate the clones before they overwhelmed him with sheer mass, or should he dodge through the remaining opening, on his right, and pop them with shuriken once he'd moved out of strike range? He'd decided at the start of the test that he wouldn't let mere Academy graduates push him into using ninjutsu.
However, at that moment...
"Fire Element: Great Fireball Technique!"
The mass of superheated chakra zoomed towards him from the only open direction. If he stayed to destroy the clones, he'd be incinerated. If he moved, he'd be incinerated faster.
Kakashi gave an inward sigh of resignation, changed plans, and began to form seals faster than the eye could see.
That was when Sakura reached out and grabbed the bells off his waist.
"Substitution Technique!"
"Earth Element: Subterranean Escape Technique!"
When the smoke of three hundred clones simultaneously popping cleared away, all that remained was the charred remnant of a log.
-o-
"Well, gentlemen, it was an impressive effort," Kakashi-sensei said, looking across the field at Naruto and Sasuke. Sakura, tied and gagged at his feet, had her right hand closed in a death grip.
"But Sakura has both bells, and I have Sakura. It seems that either way, you two lose."
"Not so fast!" Sasuke retorted. "You may have a hostage, but we have something you value even more." He held up Kakashi-sensei's book. "Give us Sakura and the bells, and you can have your book back. Otherwise..." he smiled, "I feel another Fire Element technique coming on."
Kakashi-sensei raised his visible eyebrow. "Well, now. A magnificently underhanded move. You might have ninja potential yet. But the battlefield isn't a supermarket—you don't get two-for-one deals here. If you want Sakura in exchange for the book, you can have her—but I keep the bells. Maybe I'll give you another chance to get them, but you won't be able to catch me off guard again.
"Or I could offer you a deal." Kakashi-sensei looked them in the eye, one after the other. "You take the bells, and I keep Sakura. She's a prisoner of war, and since she's the one who got herself caught, she's not your responsibility. With those two bells, there's enough for both of you to pass. Sakura will go back to the Academy, and everyone will live happily ever after. What do you say?"
He looked down at Sakura. Her eyes glistened with tears. She looked at Sasuke and Naruto, seemed to come to a decision, and then slowly, very slowly, she opened up her hand to let Kakashi-sensei take the bells.
"Hold it!" Naruto made a cutting gesture. "You can keep your bells. Give us Sakura. No matter what he's up against, Uzumaki Naruto doesn't abandon his friends! That's my way of the ninja!"
"Is that your final answer?"
Sasuke nodded gravely. "The three of us stole those bells from you before, and we'll steal them from you again. We're swapping the book for Sakura... and then you're going down."
Kakashi-sensei gave them a look of severe disapproval. "Well, that was your one chance to make the right decision. And I'm afraid to say that all three of you...
"...pass!"
-o-
"In the shinobi world, those who don't obey the rules are trash," Kakashi told them back at the entrance to the Training Grounds. "But those who abandon their teammates are even worse than trash. You showed excellent teamwork back there, and more importantly, you showed loyalty. Starting tomorrow, you will be Team Seven under my leadership."
"Yay!"
"All right!"
Even Sasuke was unsuccessfully trying to hide a smile.
Kakashi felt like smiling too. How many would-be genin had he watched turn on each other the instant their bonds were tested? He would not in a thousand years have expected these three to be the ones to break his streak, but in a crisis situation they'd set aside their obvious differences and presented a united front. Not only had they combined their strengths and covered each other's weaknesses, but all three of them had sacrificed certain victory in order to save their comrades. That mutual trust and strong resolve would keep them alive through the hell of the shinobi world. And what a team like this might mean for Kakashi himself…
"So clear up some things for me," Kakashi said, refocusing on the present. "Where did the clone shuriken come from?"
"I hid a clone in the bushes," Sakura explained, "and had her throw a shuriken past me as I ran forwards so it looked like I was throwing it."
"And the log?"
"That was me," Sasuke said. "I brought it in range of Sakura while you were busy freaking out about groping her."
"Ah." Kakashi hesitated. "I now realise that it was an ingenious stratagem on your part in order to throw me off balance, so would you mind never mentioning it again? To anyone?"
The chorus of agreement was a little too quick for Kakashi's comfort. He made a note to himself to get blackmail material on the three as quickly as possible—for his own protection.
"And Naruto, three hundred shadow clones? What possessed you to spend so much chakra? You could have died."
"Don't be silly, Kakashi-sensei!" Naruto laughed. "After the first couple of rows, those were all normal clones. Even then, I only summoned that many because they were meant to last a few seconds and then I'd get the chakra back."
Kakashi shook his head. "You three are full of surprises."
The aloof Uchiha prodigy, the moronic yet indomitable pariah, and an ordinary girl who somehow stood in the space between them without being overwhelmed. How had the Third Hokage foreseen that this improbable combination would lead to triumph and not disaster?
"I have to go and fill out genin team paperwork," Kakashi told the three. "I'll be in touch tomorrow with your first mission."
-o-
As soon as he was gone, Naruto turned to Sakura. "That was amazing acting back there, Sakura. I can't believe you were able to cry on command."
Sasuke nodded in agreement.
Sakura blushed. "Thanks. You guys were good too. Or Sasuke was, anyway. Naruto, you were totally overdoing it. 'Uzumaki Naruto doesn't abandon his friends'? 'Way of the ninja'? That's so not you."
"Aheh." Naruto rubbed the back of his neck in embarrassment. "I was quoting Ikazuchi Saga for most of that. It seemed so appropriate, and besides, when else am I going to get the chance?"
"The important thing is that he bought it," Sasuke observed. "We just outplayed a jōnin on our first day as genin. Maybe this team has a future after all."
"That reminds me," Sakura said in a deceptively sweet voice. "Naruto, why didn't you tell me that getting groped by Kakashi-sensei was part of the plan?"
"What? But—"
The force of her uppercut was a wonder to behold.
"What did I dooooooooooo..." Naruto screamed as he vanished into the stratosphere.
"Hey, Sasuke, want to go on a date to celebrate our victory?"
Sasuke didn't answer. He was busy watching Naruto's trajectory with a thoughtful look on his face.