The anthem booms in my ears, and then I hear Caesar Flickerman greeting the audience. Does he know how critical it is to get every word right from now on? He must. He will want to help us. The crowd breaks into applause as the prep team is presented. Imagine Kai, Ivy, Neem, and Ace bouncing around and talking ridiculous, bobbing bows. It's a safe bet they're clueless. Then Mica's introduced. How long she's waiting for this moment. I hope she's able to enjoy it because, as misguided as Mica can be, she has a very keen instinct about certain things and must at least suspect we're in trouble.
Teak receives huge cheers, of course, they've been brilliant, had a dazzling debut. I now understand Teak's choice of dress for me for tonight. I'll need to look as girlish and innocent as possible. Willow and Nolan's appearance brings a round of stomping that goes on at least five minutes. I need to be very convincing right now because I can feel the plate lifting me up to the stage.
Blinding lights. The deafening roar rattles the metal under my feet. The audience goes insane when they see me emerge from the ground. Caesar walks me to the victor's chair. It is a single, ornate chair from which the winning tribute watches a film of the highlights of the Games. I tuck my hair behind my ear nervously as I wait for Caesar to say something.
Caesar makes a few jokes, and then it's time for the show. This will last exactly three hours, and it's required viewing for all of Panem. As the lights dim and the seal appears on the screen, I realize I'm unprepared for this. I do not want to watch my twenty-three fellow tributes die. I saw enough of them die for the first time. My heart starts pounding and I have a strong impulse to run. How have the other victors faced this alone? During the highlights, they periodically show the winner's reaction upon a box in the corner of the screen. I think back to earlier years ... some are triumphant, pumping their fists in the air, beating their chests. Most just seem stunned. All I know is that the only thing keeping me on the chair is the weight of my worries. Of course, the previous victors didn't have the Capitol looking for a way to destroy them.
Condensing several weeks into three hours is quite a feat, especially when you consider how many cameras were going at once. Whoever puts together the highlights has to choose what sort of story to tell. This year, they have to tell a story of a girl trying and failing to protect those close to her and then grieving her loss. I know I won, but a disproportionate amount of time is present on me, right from the beginning. I'm glad, though, because it supports the whole grieving girl thing that's my defense for defying the Capitol, plus it means we won't have as much time to linger over the deaths.
The first hour or so focuses on the pre-arena events, the reaping, the chariot ride through the Capitol, our training scores, and our interviews. There's this sort of upbeat soundtrack playing under it that makes it twice as awful because, of course, almost everyone on-screen is dead.
Once we're in the arena, there's detailed coverage of the bloodbath, and then the filmmakers basically alternate between the tributes dying and shots of me. Now I see what the audience saw, how I searched for Monty and killed the boy from 2 just to save him, how I saved Calyptus from the boy from 11 and made an alliance. Then I see the mountain scene, and I mentally brace myself. I see myself fall from the mountain, and now seeing it from this point of view, I am shocked that I survived. I see now that the cannon sounded a split second before I hit the ground, probably making the people think I died. They play the moment I kill the four Career tributes and realize that Monty is dead. I focus on my reaction, the tears and me telling him that I was sorry.
Something inside of me shuts down and I'm too numb to feel anything. It's like watching complete strangers in another Hunger Games. But I do notice they omit the part where I placed his head in my lap and sobbed over his body for hours.
Right. Because even that smacks of rebellion.
Then it shows me walking in the field and falling into the trap. From here, I can see the Calyptus was in the tree line, and if I had been paying more attention, I would have seen her. She runs towards me when she sees me getting to me just in time. My heart aches, she had become my only friend, and she is gone, and I am forced to watch her die again. The birds come next. I watch numbly as the birds tear at mine and her arms, me trying to get her to safety and then the girl from 1 shooting an arrow at her, to the girl shooting an arrow at me and me defecting it with the sword. Then finally, to me killing both of them with the bow I got from the sponsor.
The anthem's playing yet again and we rise as President Snow himself takes the stage, followed by a little girl carrying a cushion that holds the crown. He places the crown on my head, smiling at me but his eyes, just inches from mine, are unforgiving as a snake's.
That's when I know that even though I am to blame for all of this. I'm the one who will be punished.
Much bowing and cheering follows. My arms are about to fall off from waving when Caesar Flickerman finally bids the audience good night, reminding them to tune in tomorrow for the final interviews. As if they have a choice.
I am whisked to the president's mansion for the Victory Banquet, where I have very little time to eat as Capitol officials and practically generous sponsors elbow one another out of the way as they try to get their picture with me. Face after beaming face flashes by, becoming increasingly intoxicated as the evening wears on. Occasionally, I catch a glimpse of Willow, which is reassuring, or President Snow, which is terrifying, but I keep laughing and thanking people and smiling as my picture is taken.
The sun is just peeking over the horizon when we straggle back to the ninth floor of the Training Center. Willow personally escorts me to my door. "Go to bed. You're on the air at two."
I toss and turn for a few hours then I slip into the hall. My first thought is to go to the balcony, but I stop. That was the last place I saw Monty before the arena. I go back to bed but I still can't sleep and go back to my door. I find my own bedroom door has been locked from the outside. There's a fear in the back of my head that the Capitol may be monitoring and confining me. I've been unable to escape since the Hunger Games began, but this feels different, much more personal. This feels like I've been imprisoned for a crime, and I'm awaiting sentencing. I quickly get back in bed and pretend to sleep until Mica Blake comes to alert me to the start of another "big, big, big day!"
I have about five minutes to eat a bowl of hot grain and stew before the prep team descends. All I have to say is, "The crowd loved you!" and it's unnecessary to speak for the next couple of hours. When Teak comes in, he shoos them out and dresses me in a white, gauzy dress and pink shoes. Then he personally adjusts my makeup until I seem to radiate a soft, rosy glow. We make idle chitchat, but I'm afraid to ask him anything of real importance because, after the incident with the door, I can't shake the feeling that I'm being watched constantly.
The interview takes place right down the hall in the sitting room. A space has been cleared and the chair has been moved in and surrounded by vases of red and pink roses. There are only a handful of cameras to record the event. No live audience at least.
Caesar Flickerman gives me a warm hug when I come in. "Congratulations, Ember. How are you feeling?"
"Fine. Nervous about the interview," I say.
"Don't be. We're going to have a fabulous time, he says, giving my cheek a reassuring pat.
"I'm not good at talking about myself," I say.
"Nothing you say will be wrong," he says.
And I think, Oh caesar, if only that were true. But actually, President Snow may be arranging some sort if "accident" for me as we speak.
I sit somewhat formally on the chair as I wait for the interview. Someone counts backward and just like that, I'm being broadcast live to the entire country. Caesar Flickerman is wonderful, teasing, joking, getting choked up when the occasion presents itself. I smile a lot and try to speak as little as possible. I mean I have to talk some, but I keep my response short.
Eventually, though, Caesar begins to pose questions that insist on fuller answers. "Well, Ember, we know that you made a few allies in the arena, and you fought so well."
I am not sure how to answer to that, "I promised my mother that I would try to make it back home, and I made a promise to Monty and Calytpus as well." I spoke softly.
"But, Ember, what a ride for you. I think the real excitement was watching you fall from the mountain." He pauses for a moment. "Everyone here in the Capitol fell quiet. We thought you were dead because of the perfect timing of the cannon."
I force a smile, "So did I." I reply honestly, giving a faint, breathy laugh, and look down at my hands.
"So tell me your thought process during those moments." he insisted further.
"Well, when I hit the ground, the breath was knocked out of me, and I thought I had died. But when I realized that I was still alive, I climbed out of the snow."
"Yes, that moment was fantastic. Everyone here cheered." He commented.
"I knew they were probably still up on the mountain, so I knew that was where I needed to go. I knew from earlier that day that all the weapons left in the Cornucopia were weapons that I am not good at, but I grabbed them anyway. I knew that I would probably die, but if I was going to die, then I wanted to take out a few of them as well. I never expected to come out of it alive." I say, not speaking out about the moment that I found Monty.
"Is it true, Ember, that in a couple of months, you will be sixteen?" He asks, and I can tell that it has a double meaning. I just don't know what it is.
I nod my head a little unsure, "Yes." I reply.
"One of the youngest victors." He says more to himself. I can't help but get an uneasy feeling about this.
Caesar signs off, and it's over. Everyone's laughing and crying and hugging, but I'm still not sure until I reach Willow. "Okay?" I whisper.
"Perfect," she answers.
I go back to my room to collect a few things and find there's nothing to take. They drive me through the streets in a car with blackened windows, and the train's waiting for us. I barely have time to say good-bye to Teak, although I'll see them in a few months when I tour the districts for a round of victory ceremonies. It's the Capitol's way of reminding people that the Hunger Games never really go away. I'll be given a lot of useless plaques, and everyone will have to pretend they love me.
The train begins moving, and I'm plunged into the night until we clear the tunnel, and I take my first free breath since the reaping. Mica is accompanying me back and Willow and Nolan, too, of course. We eat an enormous dinner and settle into silence in front of the television to watch the replay of the interview. With the Capitol growing farther away every second, I begin to think of home. Of my mother. I excuse myself to change out of my dress and into a plain shirt and pants. As I slowly put my hair back in a ponytail, I begin transforming back into myself. Ember Graves. A girl who lives in the poorer part of District 9. I stare in the mirror as I try to remember who I am and who I am not. By the time I join the others, the pressure of the Capitol is gone.
When the train makes a brief stop for fuel, we're allowed to go outside for some fresh air. There is no longer any need to guard us. I walk down along the track, and I can't find anything to think about other than returning home. I pick up some of the wildflowers, knowing that my mother would like them.
I continue walking, past the end of the train, out where even I'm fairly sure there are no cameras hidden in the scrubby bushes along the track. Willow startles me when she lays a hand on my back. Even now, in the middle of nowhere, she keeps her voice down. "Good job. Just keep it up in the district until the cameras are gone. We should be okay." I watch her head back to the train. I follow behind her. By the time I've climbed abroad, Willow has disappeared into her room for the night. When we pull up to District 9 the next morning, I feel relieved.
I stand there silently, watching the grimy little station rises up around us. Through the window, I can see the platform's tick with cameras. Everyone will be eagerly watching my homecoming.