The weather was turning colder now.

Masami wondered if Touichirou had remembered to get the kids new jackets. Their old ones would have been too small by now. They needed new ones, Sho especially since he had ruined last year's coat, and they needed new boots now that she thought about it too. New boots and new mittens, and new mitten clips for Sho too since he was forever losing them, and Shigeko needed new tights and leggings, the kind with fleece on the inside since she refused to wears pants….and…and Touichirou would not win that fight with her. She didn't wear pants, she had never tolerated pants at any point in her life, and not even her father was going to wrestle her into a pair of them….and God help him if he tried…not that he would try….

According to Fukuda he just left the children to their own devices.

Literally. She had tried to get them off of their tablets and into playing actual games but Touichirou had always just let them have as much screen time as they wanted. Anything to get them out of his hair. That hadn't changed. Fukuda had said that the kids…they were left alone…and Touichirou was just as hands off as ever. Fukuda was busy with his own work and didn't always have time to be there or a good enough excuse…but he was doing his best, he said, with the kids. The best he could do and he…he was still trying to find a way to get Sho to her…maybe even by Christmas….

Their first Christmas without her.

Her first Christmas without them, well after their birth…well Sho's birth and Shigeko's adoption. She remembered those first Christmases. Sho being not even a month old yet and sleeping through everything….and then Shigeko…she had been two and she had…well she had gotten up early with Sho and then they both made their way into her and Touichirou's bed and shook them awake….'presents mam' they had both said…and it had been that part of the year when their ages overlapped….she wondered if the kids had noticed, yet, that they were only six months apart…and she wondered hat Touichirou would say….

She wondered a lot of things.

She spent most of her day, her week, her life, wondering about things. Even now when she knew that she should not have been sitting there at her desk wondering about things, chewing on them, ruminating until they were ruminated to hell. She loved her children. She missed her children. But loving them and missing them….the more she did it the more she felt like…like there was this space inside of her. This deep, empty space that sucked up everything that she had and left her just…this. This tired husk of a woman….this would have been one of her sleeping days had she still been in the house…but she didn't get to have sleeping days.

Not anymore.

She had to work to support herself and Sho, when he came back to her. He had so many things that he still needed. She had to get him more toys, especially with Christmas coming, and a bigger futon maybe in case he'd grown more than she'd estimated…and also….also as much as she hated I he would need a tablet and….and also he needed a new coat…and boots…because she knew that Touichirou would never have been able to remember these things. Sho would need a coat and boots and mittens, and nice ones too because he deserved the best, and also….and also he'd have a long Christmas list as he had every year….and she would get him everything on that list. She would get him everything on that list and more even though she only had the apartment and not the house with it's endless maze of junk rooms and entire unused buildings and corridors….she would need a bigger space for Sho….she would need…Sho would need….she would need to provide Sho with all the things that he needed….

And she wouldn't be able to do that if she didn't finish up with work.

"Masaoka-san, are you done yet? A bunch of us are heading out together for a little impromptu Christmas party." Said Hirai as he leaned across her desk. She quickly exited out of her email. She needed to stop reading those at work…or maybe Fukuda needed to stop sending her those while she was at work…but he couldn't help it. He was in an entirely different country….and he would be moving again. He would be moving along with Touichirou and the kids and she would be stuck here, waiting, always waiting….

Waiting which was filled with dealing with the people around her.

"We just had a Christmas party last week." Said Masami not looking up. She wasn't stupid, she knew what he meant. The bosses wanted to go out for drinks, probably, and as underlings in the great working machine they all had to go with or their careers would suffer….well fine. Her career could suffer then. She was almost forty and just starting out. Her mother would have been rolling over in her grave if she'd been dead. Masami didn't want….well she….she was tired and she wanted to go home…so that was what she would do.

Go home and wait for tomorrow to happen as usual.

"We did? I can't remember…" said Hirai with a laugh. Masami gave her own laugh right back. She wasn't going with but she wasn't going to be rude either. She still had to work with everyone. She didn't have the luxury of being able to be on her own day in and day out anymore…and it hadn't felt like a luxury then but…

Well it had been.

She had been trapped, of course, in the house with the kids. Every single day was exactly like the day before. get them up, get them dressed, get them fed, get them to school, get herself home, get the house clean, get to prepping for dinner, get the kids from school, get homework done, get dinner on the table, get them in the tub, get them in bed, get herself into bed, and then rinse and repeat. That had been her life and…and it had been a tedious and lonely one….but at least she hadn't had to deal with anyone…not even her own husband.

No, he hardly ever even acknowledged her existence unless he needed something.

"Yes, it was quite the party. I think I'm all partied out, actually, from that. Yes, I think that I'll just finish up here and head on home." Said Masami. She knew that she was being somewhat rude…but she just…she had no idea why she would have even wanted to go. She didn't have any friends here, she had never been Miss Popularity but now she didn't even want to try, and she just…she had to get home and…rest. Sleep. She had to get home and get back to sleep even though there was nothing left to dream about….aside from her son coming back to her…

Something that was looking more and more like the stuff of dreams with each passing day.

"Come on, come out with us. You've been here for almost six months and you never come with." Said Hirai

"I don't really drink all that often." Said Masami. She could have just said a flat out no…but that would have been rude. So she told the truth. She didn't really drink, and she couldn't really drink, because it was a waste of money. She needed to save all the money she could for Sho and the things that he needed. When he came back to her…and he would be coming back to her…Fukuda had promised her that he would find a way to bring Sho back to her…

And she had her son back things would be better.

Maybe if she had Sho back then this feeling would go away. This feeling like she had swallowed a black hole, like it had become one with her, and it was feeding off of every single good feeling that she had ever had, that it was leaving her with this feeling of being…tired. She'd had this feeling for her entire life though never in this amount…and she had…she had thought that it would have gotten better if she had left the house….but in leaving the kids she had only made it worse…

So maybe it would be better once she had the kids back….once she had her son back….

"They have soft drinks." Said Hirai. Masami…well she didn't want to go. She didn't know what she wanted to do. She wanted to go to bed but…but she knew that once she went to bed that would just mean that she'd be closer to waking up and doing it all again. She wanted to go home but she knew that home meant eating whatever had been on sale that day at the store and then passing out in front of the TV in her mostly empty apartment….or worse. Finding her way to the room her son had never once stepped foot in…full of toys he had never played with….and a bed he had never slept in...that he may never end up sleeping in…

She didn't like to think about that.

She didn't like to think about how…how it was looking. How Touichirou…how he would never let even Sho go. How he would never leave Sho alone with Fukuda long enough that he could be brought to her. How Fukuda….how there were some promises that it seemed like he couldn't keep. He had promised to bring her Sho and…and it had been six months almost…the air was cold and there would even be snow on the ground soon…and how they had gone this long in this city without any snow she would never know…and she just…she needed to get Sho some new boots and a coat and mittens and a hat too and…and not waste her money on herself….

But also…also she didn't want to think about the fact that he might never even end up wearing the coat and boots and mittens and hat that she would get him.

"….well…alright." said Masami. She just…needed to forget about life for a little bit, she decided, just for a night. She had been ruminating too much and ruminating….it would lead to a bad sleep when she got home. It would lead to dreams where her children shook her awake telling her that they had missed her. Begging her not to leave them alone, begging her never to leave them again, asking why she had left them in the first place….dreams where she rolled over and Touichirou was there and he was looking at her in that way he did sometimes…with his pupils down to nothing and his eyes mostly irises…in that way that said that no matter what happened he would never let her go….those were the dreams that came from rumination…bad ones. So it was better, then, for her to just….shut off her brain for a little bit.

Going out with her coworkers seemed like just the way to do it.

Between the blaring Christmas music, the loud conversations around her, and the never ending stream of 'I'm so glad you came out with us' and 'wow, so you don't turn into a pumpkin' and other such well wishes she didn't have enough space left in her brain to think about much of anything. She just smiled, and nodded, and sipped her tea. She wasn't much of a drinker, hadn't been since university, and she didn't have the money to be wasting on drinks anyway. She really shouldn't have been wasting any money at all…but…

But it was nice.

It wasn't great but it was better than watching TV until she fell asleep. Watching other people's lives play out in front of her. Little bits and pieces of their lives that went together in some grand narrative that she hadn't been paying enough attention to, hardly any at all, to even begin to be invested in. It hadn't been like that when she had been younger. Back when she'd been a kid and she'd watched and taped her shows obsessively, spending hours living the exciting lives of those characters, full of drama and intrigue and big houses and fancy clothes and…and things that she never thought that she'd ever have….she had been different then…now she just…

Well now as she had was a soda and the company of people she didn't even know…which was better than nothing she had to admit….but worse than…well what she should have had….

"Masaoka-san, are you alright? You've been really quiet this whole time." Said Hirai as he scooted over closer to her. She nodded and looked over across the table in an attempt at pretending to be engrossed in the mystery of who had been using all the toner in good copy machine for their own personal use. She didn't much want to talk. She didn't have anything to talk about. Sure she could have added that she had seen so and so spending a lot of time in the copy room, or she could have turned to the left and joined the conversation about who the slowest student in the entire program was, her money was on the guy from California that spent most of his time eyeing the female staff, or she could have gotten up and sat at the other table and joined the discussion about the previous kendo season, she knew enough thanks to Touichirou to be able to hold up a conversation about it….

But that would have required her to get up and talk to someone…and she didn't much want to do that.

"I'm always quiet." Said Masami. She took a sip of her soda then, a nice little way of saying that she didn't want to talk. She tried her best not to make a face as she drank. Nonalcoholic eggnog flavored soda….someone had invented this. Well then. Shigeko was probably the only one who could have stomached this. She loved eggnog, nonalcoholic of course, and she had declared it to be the second best thing about Christmas.

The first best thing, she had said, was that sometimes her dad came home for Christmas…

"I know, it makes me curious about you actually." Said Hirai

"Does it?" asked Masami. She made sure that her voice gave nothing away. Curious? What did that mean? And what was she supposed to say to that? I ran away from my family and now I'm going to live out the rest of my days tearing myself apart for the mistake I made? I love my son and I know that I may never see him again? My daughter is going to end up growing up without a mother? There's an esper conspiracy to take over the world and my husband is their leader?

Yeah, no, none of that.

"Yes. I've worked across from you for months now and I barely know anything about you." Said Hirai

"There isn't much to know. I go to work, I come home, and then rinse and repeat." Said Masami with a shrug.

"There's got to be more to you than that." Said Hirai

"Well what about you? What's there to know about Hirai Eiji?" asked Masami. She smiled, leaned in, and tried to look interested. People loved to talk about themselves. That was what most questions were, in her opinion, just people looking for opportunities to talk about themselves and their own lives. Well that was fine. As long as she got him talking she didn't care what he talked about just so long as he stopped taking any interest at all in who Masaoka Masami was.

"Honestly not much. I go to work, I come home, on the weekends I head over to see my parents….sometimes my ex-wife calls…" said Hirai with a shrug. She knew why he had dropped that in there, that strategically placed 'ex wife' and also the thing about his parents. She wasn't some naïve schoolgirl, she knew that he was interested and she….could not be. Sure he was good looking and nice to her but….well she had her children to think about and…well she hadn't been thinking about them before but…well there was Fukuda….but that was over now…and Touichirou….even the tan line from her wedding ring had faded….

The feelings had faded, of course, long before the tan line from the wedding ring had.

She wasn't sure exactly when they had faded but they had faded down to nothing by now. She had been so in love with him before…when they had met. The handsome but odd red haired man she'd met at the train station. He had been…well it had been cute, when she had met him, the sheer strangeness that was Suzuki Touichirou. The way he stared at her like she was the only thing in his world. The way he made it his mission to learn everything that there was to know about her. Even the way no matter where they went or what they did he always found a place that sold omelets….and he always drowned them in ketchup….even that had been weirdly adorable…and endearing….and she had loved him so much….

And now she didn't really give a damn about him…and hadn't for a while…since being with her was so pointless after all….pointless unless they were making another child….

She took a drink even though she knew that there was no alcohol in it. She needed to get off of those dark thoughts. She was being chatted up, she knew that she was being chatted up, and she knew that she needed to shut this down before it went anywhere else. She knew that…well she wasn't some naïve teenage girl. She knew where this would most likely lead…and where it would most likely not lead past. She wasn't…she should have warned Shigeko about boys and what they would want from her….and Masami had to warn herself about men and what they would want…and also she had to warn herself about what she would want. She wanted…it had been a long time since she'd been with someone. Since she'd be held. Since she'd been the center of someone else's world. She had been the center of Touichirou's world…until she wasn't…and she had been the center of Fukuda's world…until she left him….and she knew that she would never be the center of Hirai's world….

Not in the real way, anyway.

"You're divorced?" asked Masami as she put her drink back down on the table. She…well she knew…she knew and didn't know…this was just….this was better than sitting alone in her dark, empty, apartment waiting for tomorrow to happen.

"Divorcing. It's…a long process. Complicated. The kids are taking it…alright. They're with my parents. My wife…well things are complicated with her and…well it all just sort of fell apart at the end. You know how it is…or at least I hope you never will. Just…there's this distance that starts out small and just gets bigger and bigger until one day it's like you're trying to shout at someone from the other side of this chasm and you look down and then it's like….sorry. Sorry. I've…had a few too many tonight. I'm sorry to dump all of this on you." Said Hirai. He certainly looked like he'd had too many. His face was flushed for one thing…though that may have just been because he had dumped all of that personal stuff onto her. That would have made sense…and she knew that the thing to do when someone told you things like that was to politely excuse herself….but….

Well she didn't want to.

"No….it's alright. I know how you feel. I mean I'm…coming out of a long relationship too…I know what its like to be lonely like that. To wake up next to someone but to feel like you're alone and…sorry. I shouldn't have put that on you…and I don't even have an excuse. This is….I don't even know what this is." Said Masami with a laugh as she swirled her think around in her glass. There. Something lighter. Something that was not…all of that mess. She didn't even know why she had said all of that…and to someone she hardly knew nonetheless. Maybe because she hardly knew him. Maybe because she had wanted to talk about this…but she'd never had anyone to talk about. Fukuda…well he had been a good listener…but there had only been so much that she could talk to him about and Touichirou….well she had tried and tried and tried to talk to him about how she felt but he was so clueless that it all went over his head…if he wasn't just purposely being dense…

Why would he even have listened to her about anything anyway? Being with her was pointless, wasn't it?

"Eggnog soda?" asked Hirai. He scrunched up his nose when he said that, the sort of exaggerated motion which was designed to make her laugh, so she did…and she hoped that it hadn't sounded as fake as it had felt….though not as fake as usual…as from before.

"That's what they call it but it's like some kind of thin custard…or custard thinned with carbonated water." Said Masami with another laugh, this one a little less forced. This one a little more natural. Not totally natural, no, she couldn't remember the last time she had laughed naturally…but…well this was….

This was alright.

"So I guess that you'd be offended if I offered to buy you another one." said Hirai taking her glass in his hand. She shook her head. She knew what that meant, what it would lead to, and she didn't….she knew that she could kick herself for this later, she didn't even have the excuse of having been drunk, but…well…she wanted what she wanted and…

And maybe she didn't need an excuse….though it would have helped….

"If you offered to buy me another one of these, yes. If you offered to get me a real eggnog, no." said Masami. There. Now it had been started…whatever this was…and she wasn't going to go back on it. No. She just…this was what it was and she was what she was and this was going to be…what it was going to be and…

And at least, if she was asked, though she had no idea who would ever ask her, that she'd just…had a little too much to drink. That was all….which was more than she could have said about what had happened with Fukuda.